Original subtitles

"The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet," starring

the entire Nelson family.

Here's Ozzie.

Here's Harriet.

Here's David.

Here's Rick.

Here they are, America's favorite family, the Nelsons.

There you are, Wally.

Another Wally Burger?

And just in time, too.

Yeah, I won't even have to watch this one.

- Oh, can I have my check, Jack? - Yeah.

This one's yours right here.

Would you mind taking a look at Rick, please?

Why? Is he doing something special?

He's reaching for his wallet.

You'll notice whenever he gets his check,

he reaches for his wallet. What's so unusual about that?

So do I.

Yes, but he reaches for his wallet.

You always reach for mine.

Well, he can afford it. He's got a job.

Well, is there any law that says you can't get one?

Well, I better get going.

It wouldn't hurt you to get a job, you know?

How can I get a job when I'm going to school?

So is Rick.

You can get a part-time job.

Oh, come on, honey.

What are you trying to do, ruin my hamburger?

Don't you think he ought to get a job?

I think I'd rather stay out of this.

I'm with you.

Well, you better start thinking about it because I'm

giving you fair warning.

From now on, you're going to start

picking up some of the checks.

- Umm, honey. - I mean it.

How would you feel if you're going out with a cheapskate

all the time?

Let me get out of here, will you?

Come on, Rick.

You can't leave now.

That's right.

You haven't paid for his check yet.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm paying for my own.

You are?

If you lend me some money.

OK, if you go out and get a job.

OK. OK.

I'll go out and get a job.

Ginger.

Ginger, honey.

Ginger, honey.

Honey?

- Hi, Mom. - Hi, Mom.

Oh, hi, fellas.

Hope you don't mind if we drag Pop down to the bowling alley

tonight. No, not at all.

As a matter of fact, I'm glad to get rid of him.

I've got some laundry to do.

David isn't so sure he can beat me anymore,

and since he's my boss I don't dare beat him.

So we need Pop to pick up the tab.

Well, no fair taking advantage of him like that.

Well, we might as well get going.

Where is he? He's in the den with Wally.

- Wally? - Yeah.

He came over a little while ago.

He wanted your father to write a letter of recommendation

for him. What for?

Well, he's thinking about getting a job.

- You're kidding. - No.

He was talking about it at lunch today.

I seemed to have run out of pie, Mrs. Nelson.

Hi, fellas. Help yourself.

Oh, thanks. Hey, Dave.

You're just the guy I've been waiting to see.

I wanted to talk to you about getting a job with your law

firm.

I've got an excellent recommendation

as soon as your dad finishes writing it.

I'm sorry.

We just don't seem to have any openings.

Oh. Well, that's OK.

I'm throwing my talents on the open market tomorrow morning,

and I thought I'd give you first chance at him.

Oh, I appreciate it.

I wish there was something I could do to help.

- Oh, hi, fellas. - Hi, Pop.

Ready to go?

Yeah, just about.

I have to get my bowling ball.

Did you finish the letter, Mr. Nelson?

Oh, not quite.

I didn't want to hold the boys up.

Oh, gee.

I kind of wanted it for tomorrow.

Say, maybe Dave could finish it while you get your stuff?

- Well-- - Sure.

He could just pick up where you left off.

Let's see. To whom it may concern.

I really didn't get very far.

Uh, my pencil broke.

Oh. Well, that's OK.

When there are so many things to say about a person,

sometimes it's a little difficult

to know where to start.

Yeah.

That's-- that's true.

Here you are, Dave.

Just say anything that comes into your head,

but don't overdo it.

I mean, don't be too flattering.

I'll do my best, if you guys don't mind waiting.

It's OK with me.

We're supposed to be down there at 8:00.

Oh, well, that'll give them plenty of time.

He doesn't have to write a book.

Uh, what kind of a job are you looking for?

Oh, I'm not particular-- just anything where I can make a lot

of money and not do too much work.

Come on. Write it, will you, Dave?

Give me a chance.

Writing a good letter of recommendation isn't easy.

Well, it can't be that difficult.

OK. Give me an opening line.

To whom it may concern.

Uh, thanks.

Pop gave me that.

Well, use your imagination.

I'm going to have to if I'm going

to write anything favorable.

How you doing?

Here.

To whom it may concern.

Is this as far as you got?

I just thought I'd add, sincerely yours, David Nelson.

Oh, come on, now.

He's not that bad a risk, is he? Well, let's put it this way.

He's a real nice guy and a lot of fun to be with,

but recommending him for a job is something else again.

Well, why don't you just put down a few ambiguous statements

and let it go at that?

He'd catch onto that right away,

and I don't want to hurt his feelings.

Well, let's try listing his attributes.

Well, he's helpful.

Right now he's out in the kitchen

helping Mom clean up that apple pie.

There must be something.

If a guy is extremely careful about his money, would you say

he's thrifty or a cheapskate.

Well, how about a guy who has a talent for falling

asleep anytime at all?

Is he relaxed or just plain lazy?

Why don't you just give them a multiple choice.

How are we coming, Dave?

Oh, pretty good.

Hey, listen, I think I'll finish it up at the office tomorrow

morning if you don't mind.

It'll look a lot better typed up on business stationery.

Oh, that'll be fine.

I'll stop by and pick it up in the morning.

Uh, I don't like to rush you guys,

but if we're going bowling we'd better get started.

Gee, I haven't been bowling in a long time.

Would you like to come along with us?

Oh, thanks, Mr. Nelson. Hey, just one thing, though.

I'm not going to let you pay for everything.

I insist on tipping the pin boys.

OK.

They don't have pin boys anymore.

Oh. Doggone it.

I keep forgetting.

What size bowling shoes do you wear?

Here's a quarter.

Rent your own shoes.

How's he doing?

He's still working on it.

Well, maybe we ought to warn him.

We've got a few things to do around here this morning.

Boy, you're not kidding.

Why don't you go in and tell him?

Well, not me.

I'm just a clerk here.

Don't look now, but I think he's finished it.

Save your cheers until you hear it.

Do you want me to type it up for you?

Oh, that's OK.

Maybe I better read it out loud to you first.

To whom it may concern--

Uh, my father wrote that.

I have known Wally Plumstead for a period

of approximately six years.

We are both members of the same fraternity

and were roommates for one semester.

He has an excellent personality and is most enthusiastic

about anything he undertakes.

I would unhesitatingly classify him

as a leader rather than a follower.

Sincerely yours.

That reminds me of the guy whose uncle

was a leader of men.

He was an usher in a burlesque house.

Help me here, Ricky.

I'm trying to finish this darn thing.

He's your friend, you know.

Well, he's your friend, too.

You said so in the letter.

Well, what do you think? How does it sound?

Well, it sounds a little bit like you're

trying to sound like you're saying something

without really saying anything.

Well, that's just about it.

I don't want to go too far out on a limb.

Well, you know, it's just possible you're

wasting your time anyway.

I wouldn't be surprised if he's forgotten the whole thing

by now. I hope you're right.

Good morning.

Good morning, Mr. Farnsworth.

Oh, I didn't realize we had an appointment this morning.

Actually, we don't.

But I was in the building, and I thought

I'd drop in and discuss the contracts with you.

That is, if you have a few moments.

Oh, sure. Won't you come in the office?

- Thank you. - I put them in on your desk.

- Oh, thanks. - Hi.

Oh, hi, Wally.

Mr. Farnsworth, this is Wally Plumstead.

- How do you do, sir. - How do you do.

- I'm a little busy, Wally. - That's all right, Dave.

I'm in no hurry. I'll wait in your office.

Oh, OK. Fine.

I'll be right with you.

The contracts are on my desk in case

you'd like to look them over.

Fine.

Nice meeting you, Mr. Plumstead.

Oh, thank you.

Same here.

Say, Dave, if he's looking for a job, remember I asked first.

Are you kidding?

That's Walter Farnsworth.

He's one of the owners of the Emporium.

Really?

Look, Dave, about that letter of recommendation.

Oh, well, to tell you the truth, Wally,

I haven't quite finished it yet. Oh, don't worry about that.

That's why I'm here.

The idea of going to work kind of scared you, huh?

No, not at all.

I thought you guys might be kind of busy this morning,

so I typed one out myself.

You wrote your own letter of recommendation?

Well, sure.

After all, I figured who knows me better than I do?

Now, if you'll just sign it,

I'll get out of your way.

Go ahead and read it if you want to.

I mean, if you're worried about what I put in it.

Not necessarily.

I mean, you don't have to sign it if you don't want to.

Oh, that's OK. I'll sign it.

Oh, thanks a lot, Dave. And don't worry about a thing.

I'll try my best to live up to all these wonderful things I've

said about myself.

- I can't believe it. - What do you mean?

Well, you're the guy who always says never sign anything

without reading it first.

Well, what did you want me to do?

He was standing right there.

If I'd have read it, it would look like I

didn't trust him or something.

I forgot about Mr Farnsworth.

Oh, Dave, before you go, would you mind signing this?

Yeah. Me, too.

- What's this? - Oh, a raise or vacation.

Who knows?

Mine's an IOU for $1,000.

What's the matter?

Don't you trust us?

- Oh, hi, Rick. - Oh, hi, Wally.

Say, I just wanted you to be the first one

to hear the good news. Don't tell me you got a job.

- Well, practically. - That's great.

Doing what? Part-time bookkeeping.

- Bookkeeping? - Yeah.

I got an appointment for an interview this afternoon.

- Well, good luck. - Oh, thanks.

I really think I got the job since just

on Dave's recommendation alone.

- Where is it? - Down at the Emporium--

Mr. Farnsworth. You remember.

Dave introduced me to him.

Mr. Farnsworth?

Mr. Farnsworth?

My, gosh.

I wonder what that crazy Wally wrote in the letter?

Don't ask me. You were the one who signed it.

Yes. Yes, I know.

The point is what am I going to do if Mr. Farnsworth hires him

on my recommendation and he starts goofing off?

Look, if this is any help, I don't think

Mr. Farnsworth has seen it yet.

Well, then get over there as fast as you can

and get it before he sees it.

Well, how am I going to do that?

Well, I don't care. Do anything.

Just get it.

If we lose the Emporium account, you and I

can start looking for another job.

Of course, there's always the possibility

that he wrote a very sensible, conservative letter.

Do you really think so?

I'll get over there as fast as I can.

What do you mean it's not returnable?

It is a policy of the store, madam.

We cannot make a refund on merchandise you purchased

on sale.

But I keep telling you, I didn't purchase it.

My husband did.

Now, are you going to exchange it or not?

I'm very sorry, Madam.

Uh, Madam?

How do you think this horrible monstrosity looks

on the top of my beautiful mahogany table?

I wouldn't know.

Now, this is a fine way to treat a customer.

I have had an account at this store for over 20 years,

ever since I was a little girl.

Madam, this article was not purchased at this store.

It came from Delaney's.

Well, why didn't you tell me that in the first place?

Uh, pardon me.

Ahh.

Oh, yes.

May I-- may I help you?

Yes, sir.

I'm looking for Mr. Farnsworth's office.

Is that all?

Yes.

It's the first door on the left.

Thank you.

And bless you, sir.

- Hi. - Hi.

May I help you? Yeah.

I'm from Dobson and Kelly's law office.

I think you received a letter of recommendation

for a Wally Plumstead. Oh, yes.

You're a little early, Mr. Plumstead.

Oh, no.

I'm-- oh, yeah.

I guess I am at that.

Say, I wonder if I could take another look at that letter.

I think Mr. Nelson might have gone overboard just a little--

you know, said too many nice things about me.

Oh, I'm sure he didn't.

I hope you get the job.

Your office will be right across the hall from mine.

Oh. Well, that's nice.

May I? Mm-hmm.

Certainly. Oh, hi, Rick.

What are you doing here? Oh, hi.

I just stopped by on a little business.

- May I help you? - Uh, yeah, honey.

My name is Wally Plumstead.

I have an appointment with Mr. Farnsworth.

You're Mr. Plumstead?

Well, yeah.

Oh, thanks.

You can go right in, Mr. Plumstead.

Thanks, honey.

Well, wish me luck.

Good luck.

Well, didn't you get to take a look at it?

Well, yeah. I had it right in my hands.

What did it say?

It said "to whom it may concern."

And what else?

Well, that's as far as I got, then Wally walked in.

Well, I guess it's too late now anyway.

Hello.

Oh, yes.

Just a minute.

Mr. Farnsworth.

Oh, boy.

He'll be right with you.

Uh, yes, Mr. Farnsworth.

I just wanted to tell you, Dave,

that friend of yours Wally Plumstead

was in to see me this afternoon.

Oh, yes, sir.

Frankly, I wasn't very impressed with him at first,

but then I took a look at this letter of recommendation

you gave him, and I figured I'd better

take him on before somebody else picks him up.

He admits he doesn't have too much bookkeeping experience.

But after all, any man with this kind of IQ,

this amazing scholastic record, I'm

sure he won't have any trouble.

I was especially impressed with the fact

that he speaks five languages fluently.

You know, Dave, that's liable to come

in very, very handy with our foreign clientele.

Oh.

Well, I hate to recommend anybody quite that lavishly.

Nonsense.

I'd rather take your recommendation than somebody

else's.

After all, if a man can't trust his lawyer's judgment,

he'd better find himself another lawyer.

Well, I just thought I'd keep you up to date, Dave,

and thank you for sending him around.

Uh, yes, sir.

Bye.

He hired him, huh?

Yeah.

Well, that's too bad.

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm hungry.

Let's get a sandwich.

OK.

You take the elevator, and I think I'll take the window.

Hi, Wally.

Oh, hi, fellas. Sit down.

Have a malt, a hamburger, anything at all.

Jack says my credit's good now that I have a job.

Well, uh, look, Wally, that's what

we wanted to talk to you about.

Oh, don't worry about that, Dave.

I've been telling everybody you're

the one who's responsible for my getting the job.

That was a beautiful letter.

And believe me, I'm grateful to you.

Look, I didn't write the letter.

You did.

And if you don't mind, I'd just as soon not take the credit.

Oh, but I insist.

Look, I'm not going to be a part-time bookkeeper there

forever.

I'm going to move right on up that ladder.

And believe me, when I do, I'll throw

plenty of business your way.

Well, if you're talking about their legal business,

we've got most of it now anyway.

Yeah, what we're worried about is keeping it.

What do you know about bookkeeping anyway?

Where do you get the nerve to take this kind of a job?

Well, I got all I need to know right here--

"Elementary Bookkeeping," "Bookkeeping for Housewives,"

"Handmade Rugs."

Wait a minute.

How'd that get in there?

It must have been out of place at the library.

That's right.

How can you take a job when you don't know anything about it?

What do you mean, don't know anything about it?

What's so difficult about bookkeeping?

It's just a matter of a little adding and subtracting.

We could break his leg, and then he couldn't show up.

Or maybe an arm and a leg.

Then we'd be sure.

Oh.

You guys and your jokes.

Oh, I know you're kidding.

Holy smokes. Look at the time.

I've got to go.

Getting any work done?

No, not much.

Can't keep my mind on what I'm doing.

Every time the phone rings, I think

it's Mr. Farnsworth calling to cancel his account with us.

Why?

Did Wally start there this morning?

Yeah, he's supposed to.

At least he must have shown up, or they'd have called us.

Uh, you want me to give that to Miss Edwards?

No, that's OK.

I have something here I have to explain.

Oh, that's OK.

Goodbye. What was that all about?

That was Wally.

I was just checking some figures for him.

He thinks there's something wrong with the adding machine

down at the Emporium.

Oh.

If that's Mr. Farnsworth, I'm not in.

Hello.

Oh, yes, Mrs. Nelson.

It's your mother.

Just a second.

That was $2,917.38 and $14,586.90.

Oh, just a second.

Dave wants to talk to you.

Line two, Dave.

Hello, Mom.

Oh, hi, dear.

What's going on?

Well, I'm not supposed to tell you, but I'm helping Wally.

He phoned a little while ago and asked

me to check a couple of figures for him.

Look, Mom. Don't worry about it.

Oh, that's OK. I'm glad to help out.

I just wanted to make sure I was right.

I'm sure you were.

OK.

Oh, thanks, Mom.

Bye.

Look, I'm going to have to face this sooner or later.

Would you get Mr. Farnsworth on the phone for me, please?

OK.

Don't you think you ought to at least give Wally a chance?

Who knows, he might be able to bluff his way through.

At least he's trying.

You talked me out of it.

Will you see if he can get Wally on the phone?

I'd like to speak to Mr. Wally Plumstead, please.

He's a new employee there.

He works in-- oh, thank you.

They already know him.

I don't know whether that's good or bad.

Accounting department, Plumstead here.

Line two, Dave.

Oh, hi.

This is Dave.

I'm almost afraid to ask, but how are you doing?

Oh, great, if I can get these accounts to balance out.

They've got a brand new adding machine down here,

and I think there's something wrong with it.

It doesn't get the same totals I do.

Look, Wally, don't louse me up down there now, will you?

The Emporium is our biggest account.

Look, why don't you quit or get sick or something?

What are you talking about? I'm doing great.

If you don't believe me, ask Ginger.

- Ginger? - Well, yeah.

She's down here helping me out.

I better hang up now.

The boss is liable to walk in on me any minute.

Wally?

Wally?

He hung up.

- What's going on down there? - Everything.

I have a hunch we better get down there fast.

Well, I don't know anything about bookkeeping.

That doesn't matter.

It doesn't seem to be necessary.

- Good luck, fellas. - Thanks.

Thanks.

Hey, how about this poor sucker.

His wife spent $575 on a new coat last month.

Hey, it's Dean Hopkins.

Where does he get that kind of money?

You're not supposed to read all the cards.

That's personal information. OK.

OK.

Just look at this seam.

Your salesman told me it would last a lifetime.

It hasn't even lasted two weeks.

But Madam, we haven't carried this particular item

in over five years.

Don't you get fresh with me, young man.

I bought this here two weeks ago, and look at it.

It's ready to croak.

Hey, look who's here honey. Come on in, fellas.

Hi, Dave. Hi, Rick.

Hi.

Boy, this is worse than I thought.

How'd you manage to get trapped into this?

Are you kidding?

She's taking accounting in school.

I thought I'd give her a chance to get

a little practical experience.

He got me down here to bail him out of the mess he's in.

- What mess? - This mess.

Hey, be careful.

You'll get blueberry pie all over the book.

Yes.

Yes, that's a shame.

Well, I'll think of something and get back to you.

Meanwhile, do the best you can.

Somebody sick?

Yes, McPheeters in the complaint department.

They just had to send him home--

nervous breakdown.

He's the third one this week.

Must be pretty rough down there.

Yes, I'm afraid it is.

A man has to have the hide of an elephant.

Well, if anybody calls me, I'll be right back.

I want to see how Plumstead is working out across the hall.

Yes, sir.

OK, come on, now. Let's have the truth.

How bad is it?

Well, I told you over the phone, everything's great.

All I got to do is get these little figures over here

to match up with these little figures over here,

and then straighten out a few of these files that

seem to have gotten mixed up.

How bad is it?

I think somebody had better declare it a disaster area.

That's what I was afraid of.

Well, look, you can't expect me to organize

the whole operation in one day.

Why not?

You made a shambles of it in about two hours.

The sense of humor this kid has.

Come on, Wally.

This is serious.

OK, I shouldn't have signed that phony letter of recommendation

without reading it, but the least you could do

is quit before we lose the account.

David, I didn't know you cared.

Hold it.

So I've got a good mind to punch you right in the nose.

You do, and I'll bleed all over you.

What are we wasting our time for?

You know you can't insult him.

He's got the hide of a rhinoceros.

The only way we're going to get him out of here

is carry him out bodily.

Let's go.

Now, just a second, fellas Hey, put me down.

Put Mr. Plumstead down.

Oh, Mr. Farnsworth, I'm sorry.

In fact, I'm sorry about a lot of things.

I owe you an explanation. No, no.

Just a second, Dave.

If you had to write out a recommendation for Mr.

Plumstead, could you honestly say that he

has a happy, jolly disposition?

Well, that's about the only favorable thing

I could say about him.

And would you also say that he's a--

let's see, how shall I put this.

He's a phony baloney.

He's full of hot air.

A master of the snow job, would you say?

A past master.

That's it, folks. I don't know what to say.

And I believe you mentioned that he

had the hide of an elephant.

A rhinoceros.

Plumstead?

Yes, sir?

How would like to move to another department at twice

your salary? Are you kidding?

I've never been more serious in my life.

We just happen to have a position open

that calls for your peculiar--

that is, particular qualifications.

Mr. Farnsworth, when do I start?

Right now.

Just follow me.

This is a faulty piece of merchandise,

and I demand my money back.

I don't know what's happened to this store lately anyway.

Now, just a minute. I was here first.

Now, now, girls.

I'll take care of you one at a time.

I believe you're in the wrong section, my dear.

They hire the fashion models on the second floor.

Oh, well I--

That's the second floor.

Now, my dear, what was your problem?

Oh, pardon me.

What a stunning outfit that is.

Did you buy that in our teen department upstairs?

Oh, no.

This was a gift from my husband.

Your husband?

Oh, a child bride.

There's no question about it.

That's the perfect job for him.

It's really a beautiful thing to see a master at work.

I kind of wish I had something to exchange.

He's the best man we've ever had at this job, Dave.

I don't know how to thank you.

Oh, it's a pleasure.

Any time at all.

Well, if you really want to return it, my dear,

that's up to you.

But if you want my personal opinion,

I think the hat looks beautiful on you.

It goes so well with your eyes.

You know, you probably get this all the time,

but I can't get over how much you look like Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Oh, really?

Dinah, is there anyone finer in the state of Carolina?

If there is, and you know her, show her to me.

Dinah, with her Dixie eyes blazin', how I'd love to sit

and gaze into the eyes of Dinah Lee.

Every night, why do I shake with fright?

Because my Dinah might change your mind about me.

Dinah, if she wandered to China, I would hop an ocean liner just

to be with Dinah Lee.

Dinah, she wandered to China, I would hop an ocean liner just

to be with Dinah Lee, Dinah Lee.

Tonight's "Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet"

was brought to you by your Your Gas

Company, which helps you live modern for less with gas.

That's what we Nelsons do.