Original subtitles

"The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet," starring

the entire Nelson family.

Here's Ozzie.

Here's Harriet.

Here's David, and here's Rick.

Here they are, America's favorite family, the Nelsons.

Hey.

Look who's here. Oh.

What's the matter, Rick? Have a fight with your wife?

No, it's nothing like that.

I'm just a bachelor for tonight.

Anybody want to go bowling? Not me.

I've got too much studying to do.

- Me too. - What about you, Kent?

Sorry. I've got a date.

What's the matter with you guys anyway?

Why don't you get Wally?

He's probably just goofing off tonight.

Come on in.

And where is Wally?

He said he was going over to the library.

Are you kidding?

He doesn't even know where the library is.

Look who's talking.

What do you mean by that?

Hey, come on.

Somebody get the door.

I'll get it.

OK.

OK.

Don't knock the door down.

Yeah?

- Is that you, Rick? - Wally?

Yeah. Is the door open?

Yeah. Come on in.

Oh, thanks. I was just about to drop these.

That's beautiful.

I'll give you 9.6 for that dive.

Oh, very funny.

I have a possible fracture of both legs.

What happened?

Wally just dropped in.

All right, wisecracks.

- What are all these for? - Well, to study.

What do you think?

- Who's going to study? - I am.

That's the best joke I've heard all week.

Do you think he's running a temperature?

OK.

You guys think I'm kidding, but you just wait and see.

You're the world's biggest goof-off, and you know it.

Oh, no, not anymore.

I must admit there have been times in the past

when I've been a bit lax, shall we say,

in applying myself to my studies.

But from now on, you're going to see a new Wally Plumstead.

I'm really going to hit those books and bring my grades up.

Good for you, Wally, old boy.

How about a little game of poker?

OK. Deal me in.

No.

No more poker games.

I got to go upstairs and study.

- I think he's serious. - Well, don't bet on it.

Give him 15 minutes with those books,

and he'll be down at the malt shop goofing off.

Oh, yeah? That's what you think.

From now on, you're not going to catch me goofing off

at the malt shop or anyplace else.

Come on, Rick. Let's go.

Wally.

Wally.

Hey, come on.

We got a big poker game going on downstairs.

Yeah. We've been waiting for you.

Look. I told you guys I got to study.

Now will you leave me alone?

Your IOUs are good.

Well, they're not really, but we'll accept them.

Come on, you guys. Leave him alone.

Can't you see he's trying to study?

- I didn't think he could read. - Can he?

He's got a book open.

He's probably just looking at the pictures.

- Get out of here. - Oh, OK.

But if you change your mind, come on downstairs and join us.

Not a chance.

Oh. Thanks a lot, Rick.

I sure appreciate you sticking up for me.

Well, that's OK.

They were just putting you on anyway.

Come on. Let's go down to the malt shop.

What do you mean malt shop?

I thought you were on my side. Are you kidding?

Look. It's me.

You know as well as I do you're not serious about this.

Well, of course I am.

You think I'd carry all those books upstairs just for laughs?

Well, you've got a point.

Well, you're darn right I have.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll get to work.

OK.

Say, would you hand me that pillow there, please?

Oh, thanks.

Maybe you better get that one on the bed.

Just put it right here.

Doggone you, Rick.

What did I do?

Oh, you mentioned the malt shop.

Now my stomach's starting to growl.

Naturally.

But I'm not giving in to it.

Oh, I know that.

I'll see you later.

OK.

Wait a second.

I think I'll go with you.

A guy's got to take a study break once in a while.

Say, do you mind if we kind of sneak out?

I'm afraid if the rest of the guys

see me they're liable to think I'm goofing off.

Exactly five minutes and 35 seconds.

All right. OK.

You guys, pay up. Hey.

What's going on?

He won the Wally goofing off pool.

Ah, I got four quarters.

Hey, Bruce.

You got change for a five?

Right here, Charley, but none of your Confederate money.

Very funny.

Very funny. Come on, Ray.

Let's go. Yep.

Yep.

Oh. Hi, fellas.

Come on in. Hi.

- That you, Rick? - Yeah.

Hi, Mom. How you doing?

Oh. Just fine, dear.

Thanks. Hi, Wally.

Hi, Mrs. Nelson.

We were just down at the malt shop.

We thought we'd stop by and say hello.

Good.

Besides, I didn't want to go back to the fraternity

just yet. What's the matter?

No poker game tonight?

Yeah, there's a game all right.

That's part of my problem.

All the guys have been kidding me.

They say I'm paying too much attention to my studies.

Well, forgive me for laughing,

but for some reason that struck me funny.

Come on now, Mr. Nelson. You know me better than that.

I mean, I'm not a complete goof-off.

Am I? Oh, no.

No, of course not.

After all, nobody's perfect.

- That's not fair. - No.

I'm afraid he's right, Mrs. Nelson.

I'm a lazy bum.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Oh, of course you wouldn't.

You're too polite.

The truth of the matter is I sat down with all my books

open tonight with every intention

of doing some serious studying.

Then I was on my way down to the malt shop 10 minutes later.

Five minutes and 35 seconds later.

Well, something like that.

I must admit I wasn't much help.

Oh, that's OK, Rick.

You can't take all the blame. It's me.

Every time I open a book, I start looking around

for somebody to interrupt me.

Then when nobody does, I go out and find somebody.

Well, of course, everybody has that trouble.

It's just a question of self-discipline,

learning how to concentrate.

Say, how would you fellas like some ice cream?

Uh, just a sec, Harriet.

See, there's no such thing as a natural student.

Everybody has to learn how to eliminate distracting thoughts

and concentrate on the subject at hand.

Just have to experiment until you find the system

that works best for you.

I know when I was in school I used

to find it helped my concentration

to turn out all the lights in the room except one small light

shining right on the book.

I remember when I was in the seventh grade.

I think it was.

I had to learn a complete poem in one night.

Did I ever tell you about that, Harriet?

Yes, I believe you did.

Well, I recited it in assembly the next morning.

And I think I remember it to this day.

You know, we French stormed Ratisbon.

A mile or so away, on a little mound,

Napoleon stood on our storming day, with neck out--

well, I won't bore you with the whole poem.

Oh. What kind?

Strawberry and chocolate.

If you'll excuse me, Mr. Nelson.

I'll be right back.

Oh.

Yeah.

I hate to say this, but I don't think he heard a word I said.

Well, after all, mom did mention ice cream.

And you can't expect miracles.

Yeah.

I guess you're right.

Maybe you get him right after he's eaten, that is

if you can catch him before he falls asleep.

Hey, you guys.

Attention, everybody.

Now hear this. Attention, everybody.

Take a look at that.

Charley, did you see that?

Hey, look at this.

Hey, Rick. Look.

I got a--

You got an A.

An A?

- There must be some mistake. - Yeah.

That's what I thought, but the reader checked it.

The professor checked it. Even the dean checked it.

It's a genuine authenticated A.

Oh, I don't believe it.

Say, you're in the wrong field.

You ought to be forging checks.

That's a beautiful job.

- It's real, and you know it. - How'd you do this?

Study, young man, hard, diligent study,

self-discipline, concentration, and perseverance.

I think you're right. This must be a counterfeit.

Oh, yeah?

If you don't believe this, then wait till the next test.

I've got a study system worked out that can't miss.

OK. What's the gimmick?

- It's called dumb luck. - No, it isn't.

Come on, Rick. Tell him about it.

What do you mean? I don't know anything about it.

Well, sure you do.

Your dad was the one that gave me the idea.

You were right there. Weren't you listening?

Well, yeah, but I didn't think you were.

Of course. I heard every word.

OK. So what's the big system?

Well, Mr. Nelson explained that the whole secret

of studying was to work out some specific method of forcing

yourself to concentrate and eliminate

all distracting thoughts.

Sounds good so far. Now, how do you do it?

Yeah. Tell me.

I could use a couple of A's very nicely.

Well, now just a second, Kent.

I can't guarantee it'll work for everybody.

Well, let's put it this way.

If it works for you, it'll turn the rest of us

into Phi Beta Kappas.

Let's hear the gimmick, and get this gag over with.

OK. OK, but I can't stay.

I got to get to work. Work?

What's this about work?

Well, now the studying is coming so easy for me.

I got time for a part-time job over at the administration

building.

An A and a job too?

Come on.

This is one system I've got to see.

Come on, Rick.

You want to hear this too. Don't you?

Yeah. Sure.

Well, actually, fellas--

just a little added precaution.

If word of this gets around, it's

liable to raise the averages in the entire school.

Then I'd be out of luck again.

Come on. Let's get going.

How does this thing work?

Well, actually, there's nothing to it.

I just made a study of how to study, like your father said,

and combined all the best features of everything

I found out.

Now, first of all, I discovered that most books

are printed black on white.

Very good.

Now, in order to cut down the glare

from this extreme contrast, something

was needed to eliminate the resulting eyestrain.

When the eyes get tired, the words start to dance,

and you lose your concentration. Hey.

Speaking of dancing, have any of you

guys seen the new show down at the Purple Pussycat?

Come on.

Stick to the point, will you?

Oh, yeah. Where was I?

You were talking about eyestrain.

Oh, yeah.

How to eliminate it?

One pair of dark glasses.

Now, this has the added advantage

of dilating the pupils and permitting more words

to enter your eyes at one time. What did he say?

Never mind.

He doesn't know either.

You guys want to get A's or not?

Sure. Of course we do.

Come on. Quiet, you guys.

Go ahead. OK.

Step two.

I hold here in my hand a can of sardines.

I think I'm going to be sick.

Come on.

Let's have a little more respect here.

Now, everybody knows that fish have always

been referred to as brain food, food that stimulates the brain.

An old wives tale?

Perhaps, but then again, perhaps not.

And sardines are the smartest fish of all.

- They are? - Well, sure.

They must be.

How else could they swim into those little cans so

systematically?

Do you want to hear this or don't you?

Go ahead.

Therefore, nothing could be more natural

than to eat brain food while you're studying.

I guess that's another advantage of the dark glasses.

You can't see what you're eating.

About my next point.

Everybody knows it is of utmost importance

to eliminate distracting noises in order

to concentrate properly.

We now come to the most important phase of all,

the Wally Plumstead blood bar.

I am going to be sick.

Your thinking processes are stimulated by the increased

flow of blood to the cerebellum, the cerebrum, and the medulla

oblongata. What'd he say?

It makes the blood rush to your head.

Then why didn't he say that?

Uh, hand me that book.

Will you?

Well, what do you think?

How can we think?

We're not hanging upside down, eating fish.

And the dark glasses.

If you ask me, he just got lucky on that test.

Either that or the law of averages caught up with him.

After all those C's and D's, he

got an A in spite of himself.

Hey, Wally. Oh.

Hi, you guys. I'm down here.

Hey.

They just posted the grades on that test you took.

Yeah. We know.

He got an A. Oh, I know about that one.

This is another one. Oh, yeah?

What did I get?

A minus.

- A minus? - A minus?

Oh, doggone it. I was afraid of that.

I ran out of sardines about midnight.

Can't win them all.

Hey, Sledge.

Hurry up with those sardines. Yes, sir.

Coming right up.

Hi, Jack.

Hi, Rick.

Would you bring a chocolate malt over to the booth for me,

please? Sure.

And would you take this over with you?

- A glass of crushed ice? - Yeah.

It's for Kent.

OK.

- Hi, Rick. - Hi.

Is this is for you? Yeah.

What's the matter with him?

He got a headache from hanging upside down.

Are you kidding?

Do I look like I'm kidding? It's not funny.

Fred's got a stomach ache from eating too many sardines.

Some study system.

- Did it help anybody? - Not that I know of.

Well, it gave some of the other fraternities

a pretty good laugh at our expense.

There you are, fellas.

Thanks, Jack.

And I just thought I'd remind you

we're having a special on sardine sandwiches.

You know, I don't see how that system could

have possibly helped Wally. Maybe it didn't.

What do you mean?

Well, I hate to say this, but, you know,

he started getting the good grades right

after he got the job at the administration building.

What's that got to do with it?

Well, that's where they keep copies of all the tests and not

only that.

That's where they mimeograph them all.

And you mean you think he's been cheating, getting hold

of the tests ahead of time?

Well, you must admit it's a possibility.

No.

I'm afraid I can't go along with you on that.

OK.

So he got his A's by standing on his head and eating sardines.

I don't know he I got him.

And I admit he's got a lot of faults,

but I don't think he's dishonest.

I didn't say he was, not exactly.

But then, again, on the other hand,

I don't think he'd ever be given a medal for ethical conduct.

Well, he's working over at the office right now.

Why don't we just casually drop in on him?

Yeah. That's a good idea.

Well, don't you think that's kind of like convicting him

without a trial?

Well, who said anything about convicting him?

We're just paying a social call on a fraternity brother.

Yeah.

And while we're over there, we'll

give him the third degree. Or maybe a lie detector test.

Well, you can count me out.

I don't want any part of it.

Say, by the way, next time you guys see Wally,

tell him I'd like to have a little talk with him.

Will you? Is something wrong?

Well, there's a little financial matter

I'd like to discuss with him.

Last time he was in here, he cashed a $5 check that bounced

and left me a lead $0.50 piece for a tip.

Come on.

I'll drive you guys over there.

I don't know.

I still don't feel right about this.

Well, it's for his own good.

Some of the other guys are getting suspicious too.

Well, look at it this way.

It may be our chance to clear him,

unless you think he's guilty.

No, of course I don't.

Well, is this it?

- Yeah. - Oh.

Hi, fellas. Hi.

Hi.

Give me a hand here. Will you?

What are you doing?

I want to see if he's in there.

Can you see him?

He's not in there.

Are you sure?

Well, if he is, I don't see him.

Hiya, fellas.

Oh.

Were you looking for me?

Oh, yeah.

We just dropped by to see how you're doing.

- Just a social call. - Yeah.

Oh, gee.

I'm kind of busy, but come on in.

I'll show you around.

Actually, there's not too much interesting here.

Somebody said they keep all the tests in here.

Yeah, right over there, but you can't see them.

It's against the rules.

Well, you must admit it's pretty tempting, though.

I mean, all the tests filed in here

and you sitting right over there.

Well, yeah.

But even if it was, you can't get into the files.

They got a special lock on there,

and the combination's locked in the dean's safe.

Nobody can get this open.

How about that?

That's usually kept locked.

It is, huh?

- Looks pretty convenient to me. - Yeah, it does.

Doesn't it?

What are you talking about anyway?

Are you usually alone in here?

Well, yeah.

The secretary's here sometimes.

Oh, now wait a minute.

You aren't suggesting I'm getting the test questions out

of the files.

Are you?

Are you kidding?

I never cheated on a test in my life.

All you got to do is take one look at my grades,

and it'll prove that. That's just it.

Your grades have been pretty good lately.

Well, I like that.

I try to give you guys my secret study system,

and you all turn against me.

Well, we kind of figured you might

have left one of the secrets out,

something to do with the exams that are filed here.

Look.

The only class I ever cheated in was gym.

So I bent my knees a little when I touch my toes.

- Would you file this, please? - Yeah.

Sure. What is it?

It's a test for advanced biology, Professor Clokie.

OK. Hey.

I'm taking this test tomorrow.

OK, wise guys.

I haven't seen this yet. Have I?

No, not yet.

And I have no intention of looking at it

till the proper time comes.

And just to prove it, Rick's going to stay right with me

for the next 24 hours. Me?

Why me?

Because you didn't believe him.

- Hi, fellas. - Hi, Mr. Nelson.

- Hi. - Sorry.

You just missed dinner. Oh, that's OK.

We just finished.

Of course, if you haven't had dessert yet,

we might be coaxed into having a little something.

OK. How about some ice cream?

Well, if you insist.

I was just wondering whether you and mom would mind

having a guess for tonight.

- A guest? - Oh, he means me.

Rick and Chris are going out tonight,

and I don't want to be left alone.

What's the gag?

Well, there's no gag.

See, Wally wants to prove to the fraternity

that he hasn't been cheating on his exams.

Well, what do you mean?

Well, ever since I got A's on a couple of tests,

there have been some ugly rumors going around the campus.

Ace. Hey.

Congratulations. Oh.

Well, thanks.

Actually, you deserve part of the credit.

After all, you were the one that encouraged

me to develop my study system.

Now, why would they think you were cheating?

Well, for one thing, I don't exactly have a reputation

for being a straight-A student.

The same time he started getting the A's,

he got a job at the filing office

where they keep copies of all the tests.

Oh.

Well, that's what the guys at the fraternity said.

And you're wrong.

I believe you.

Well, I'm going to prove it to him beyond a shadow of a doubt.

I have a biology test tomorrow, and I'm

going to have somebody with me every minute

until I take that test tomorrow morning.

That's why he wants to stay here with you tonight.

And I'm not going back to the fraternity

until those guys apologize.

I don't blame you. Here.

Sit down.

Oh, thanks.

Oh.

Say, before I forget it, I was talking to some of the girls

at the women's club about your conversation with Wally,

you know, about the right way to study.

Oh, yeah.

In fact, they were wondering if you'd recite

your poem at our luncheon. Well, what poem?

You know.

The one you memorized in one night.

You mean, you know, we French stormed Ratisbon.

A mile or so away, on a little mound,

Napoleon stood on our storming day.

Yeah, that's the one.

Well, that's such an old chestnut.

I can't recite that in front of the women's club.

Well, I've already promised you would.

Well, what'd you do that for?

Well, I don't know.

Some of the girls were bragging about their husbands.

And I just started bragging about you.

Oh.

Well, I guess maybe I could get up on it.

When is the luncheon?

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Well, I can't learn it by then.

Well, why not?

You learned it in one night before.

Well, I know.

At least that's what I said, but--

I'm out of practice. Hey.

Wait a second.

Here's a great opportunity for both of us.

You can learn your poem and vindicate my system

at the same time.

Do you think I could learn it in one night?

Standing on your head.

And he means that literally, too.

Now, this may seem a little--

- Idiotic? - Yeah, but it works.

Now, where's the bar?

You mean you have to get drunk?

Not that.

The-- oh, here it is.

I'll help you.

What are you doing that for?

Well, I could tell you, mom, but you

have to see it to believe it.

- Hey, be careful. - Oh.

Don't worry, Mrs. Nelson.

I've got this down to a science now.

That's your study system?

Yeah.

This, and a book, and a can of sardines, and I'm all set.

Uh, maybe I can sing a song or do a little dance or something.

How do you think you'll do?

Well, just between the two of us, lousy.

What do you mean?

You used your study system, didn't you?

Yeah. That's the trouble.

I'm afraid those sardines finally caught up with me.

And hanging upside down all night didn't help either.

I thought that was the best part of your system.

Yeah.

That's what I thought, but let's face it.

The only part that really worked was opening the book

and reading it.

I realized for the first time in my life

I was actually concentrating. And believe me.

It wasn't easy hanging upside down

with the glasses and the earmuffs

and eating all those sardines. Well, stop worrying.

You'll do great. I doubt it.

There's too much pressure.

You realize I got to get an A on this test,

or the guys will think I was cheating on the other test.

I was so nervous last night.

I don't even remember what I read.

Uh-oh.

Here comes the jury. OK.

OK.

You'll notice I'm still under guard.

So we see.

And I have a signed receipt from the Nelsons

stating I spent the entire night there.

OK. We believe you.

We just came down to wish you good luck.

Yeah. I'll bet you did.

And don't forget to apologize when I get an A.

Look. I told you.

We're on your side. Yeah.

Good luck, Wally. Oh, it's not a matter of luck.

This is a situation that calls for a cool, clear head

on the shoulders of a man who knows what he's doing.

Wrong room.

Well, I sure hope he makes out OK.

Yeah.

We really put him on a spot, the poor guy.

Oh, we sure did.

The more you think about it, it was pretty silly.

And he's too much of a goof-off to go to all the trouble

to cheat. What test did he say it was?

Advanced biology? And Professor Clokie.

He can be really tough, too.

Well, it's too late for him to get out of it now.

- Watch it, you guys. - Hey.

What happened? What's the matter with him?

I don't know. He just passed out.

- Well, how'd it happen? - Nobody knows.

The professor wrote the first question on the blackboard.

And Wally turned white as a sheet and keeled over.

The first question?

Yeah.

Illustrate a cross-section of the digestive system

of the Sardinia pilchardus. A what?

A sardine.

At least he's alive.

We'll put them in the car, and you can take them back

to the house. OK.

Thanks.

Oh, thanks a lot.

Well, how do you feel?

Oh, not too bad.

We talked to Professor Clokie.

He said you could make up the test next week.

Oh, great.

He said if it'd make you feel any better

you could use a mackerel instead of a sardine.

Oh, that is good news.

Oh, and it might interest you to know

that apparently your study system worked for my dad.

You mean he learned the poem in time for the luncheon?

Yeah. That's what I understand.

In fact, he should be over at the women's club

reciting it right now.

Ladies, may I have your attention, please?

It's my pleasure to introduce to you at this time

Mr. Ozzie Nelson, who will favor us

with a recitation of that delightful old poem, "Incident

of the French Camp" by Robert Browning.

Mr. Nelson?

You know, we French stormed Ratisbon.

A mile or so away, on a little mound,

Napoleon stood on our storming day.

With neck out-thrust, you fancy how legs,

wide arms locked behind--

I didn't know he was going to recite.

Well, of course.

What did you think he was going to do?

Well, I thought he was going to play "My Country,

'Tis of Thee" on some horns with his nose.

What ever gave you that idea?

Well, he asked me to drop one of these fish in his mouth

after every stanza.

How strange.

Tonight's "Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet"

was brought to you by your gas company.

Which helps you live modern for less with gas.

That's what we Nelsons do.

A forest fire is a terrible thing, but it can be stopped.

Here's what you can do to help.

One, crush out cigarettes, cigar, and pipe ashes.

Two, break matches in two after using.

Three, drown all campfires then stir and drown again.

Four, find out the law before using fire.

Remember only you can prevent forest fires.