All language subtitles for The Two Ronnies s12e04

Good evening. It's wonderful to be back
with you once more, isn't it, Ronnie?

Indeed it is. And in a packed program
tonight, we shall be introducing you to

the waiter who served a CID inspector
with eight hard -boiled eggs and a lump

suet pudding.

He's been charged with obstructing a
police officer.

And then Sir Keith Joseph will be here
to tell us how he loves whiskey but

teachers.

But first, the news. Midland coach
drivers voted today never to speak again

the depot manager who said they had no
knowledge of local geography.

Announcing the decision, the shop
steward said, we are sending him to

There was further evidence today that
the old customs of the countryside are

dying out, when instead of being burnt
at the stake, a witch was sentenced to

two sessions on a sunbed.

Acting on a tip -off, customs officers
at Heathrow this morning, while

for a consignment of hashish, looked up
the kilt of a Mr. H. MacDonald.

All they found was a little Hamish.

Finally, good news of the progress of
sex change patient Beverly Lamont. Today

he was transferred from Guy's Hospital
to the Dolls Hospital.

But now a sketch featuring Mr. Ronnie
Corbett, whose mountaineering career got

off to a very bad start in his Swiss
hotel when he failed to scale the north

face of the Eiderdown.

Come in, Daz. What is it?

I come to see you, sir, about the cows.

Cows?

Cows?

Cows, sir.

You know, big things with a leg at each
corner.

kind of bag thing I'm hanging under.

I know the ones you mean, yes.

We've got some of those, haven't we?
You're the cow man, aren't you? That's

right, sir, yes. I was until today, sir,
but I'm leaving, sir. Oh, no, you can't

leave, Giles. What's the matter?

Well, it's just the cows, you see. They
just, they won't stop doing it, sir.

With what?

I don't like to say, sir. You know, they
just...

They won't stop doing it, sir.

What do they do? They do chewing the
thing, the cud.

No, not that, sir. No, not that. What
else? I know what they do. They give

Are they giving milk again? No, you're
getting there.

Oh, no, they're not doing that, are
they? They're doing that, sir, yes.

Oh, dear. They're still doing that?
They're still doing that. They do all

the place. So they're doing it on my
clean straw.

They're doing it all over. They just
don't seem to care. Well, I don't

understand it. I mean, we install
facilities.

We install flush toilets for them.

I know, sir, but they won't use them,
sir. Why ever not?

Well, they just refuse it. Well, I can't
comprehend this at all. I mean, I

wasn't informed of this. Giles, you
know. Did you know about it? No, I

know any about it at all, sir. I never
said anything about it at the job

sir. Did they not? No, no, no.

And it's never referred to on the
arches, you know? No, that's why I'm

No, but you're not to go. You're not to
go, Giles. After all, you and I are

partners in this, aren't we? I mean,
we've been farming this land since...

long is it? Last Tuesday, sir. I mean,
we can't possibly stop being cow

simply because the cows won't use the
flush toilets, can they? Well, no, sir,

don't suppose so, but that's another
matter, because I just feel I can't cope

anymore. No, well, you are not to leave,
Giles. You are not to leave. The cows

can go.

The cows, sir? Yes, I shall speak to
them in the morning.

I shall ask them to leave.

Well, sir, how can you have a farm, sir,
without cows? But I have an idea, you

see, Giles. We don't have to have a cow
farm.

We can have a trout farm.

A trout farm, sir? Yeah.

They're fish.

Oh, fish? Oh, fish?

Oh, well, that'd be all right, sir. They
will look after themselves. They'll

just swim about. You won't need my help,
sir. Oh, but I will, Giles. Of course I

will. You can't leave me now. Why not,
sir? Well, who's going to milk them?

Now, Barbara performs a song which,
incidentally, she wrote herself and is

featured on her new album.

It's called Another Good Day for
Goodbye, so here she is to sing it.

Barbara Dickman.

I represent an organisation of people
who say everything twice. I represent an

organisation of people who say
everything twice.

And I'm speaking to you tonight for
twice the normal BBC fee. And I'm

to you tonight for £1 .50.

Now, saying everything twice guarantees
that what you're saying is fully

comprehended and not confusing.

Saying what I just said twice guarantees
full comprehension and less confusion

than saying what I just said once
instead of twice and simply leaving it

that.

asking yourselves, why do we say things
twice? Whereas I'm asking myself, why do

we say things twice? Why do we say
things twice?

We say things twice because no one ever
bothers to listen to us the first time.

I said, we say things twice because no
one ever bothers to listen to us the

first time. Are you mutton Jeff or
something? Are you mutton Jeff or

Although it's fun, it can have its
snags. Although it's fun, it can have

chastity belt.

Like parties, for instance. We never get
invited to any. Like parties, for

instance, Oliver Reed.

party I went to, I bumped into a lovely
couple. The last party I went to, I

bumped into Samantha Fox.

And between you and me, I felt a right
one.

And between you and me, I did it again
and felt a left one.

The only time I never said anything
twice was in a crowded Australian sheep

farmer's bar. The only time I never said
anything twice was in a corrugated

lunatic asylum.

When I asked for a pink gin and a packet
of cheesy puffs.

when I ask for a good hiding and a
flying doctor.

Of course, sometimes we do have a day
off when we only say things one and a

times. Of course, sometimes we do have a
day off when we only... Then there are

bank holidays when we only say things
once. We only say things once.

This day is usually used for asking
difficult or dangerous questions, like

put the slits in my sheepskin shirt
because my sheepskin shirt's got slits.

Fortunately, today is a bank holiday.

In summing up, then, saying everything
twice can be lots of fun. Saying

everything twice can be Joan Collins in
a hammock.

If you wish me to enroll you in our
organization, simply ring our head

As I say, if you wish me to put you in
the club, simply ring me at this number.

001166883355779944. Good night, night,
night, toodle -pip, tiddle -poo.

Do you know how to avoid falling out?

Eh?

Do you know how to avoid falling out?

Yeah, get out the way.

You're going a bit bald under that
balaclava, ain't you?

I'm not bald.

I've got flesh -coloured hair.

Go on, you can't fool me.

I've got wavy hair.

You used to have.

Now it's waving goodbye.

My advice is to stop worrying about it.
I know a lot of people go grey worrying

about going bald.

The eyes are not what they was either.

Why, what was it?

You know what I mean.

I can't see things close to unless
they're a long way away.

The paper said they can cure short
-sighted now with a special herbal

Ah, that's just a lot of eye wash.

I'm going to get a monocle.

You'll sit on that and break it.

No, I won't. That's not where you wear
it.

They've invented... They've invented a
new lens that can be hit with an hammer,

dropped 100 feet and jumped on. without
it breaking.

Oh. Yeah, straight up.

As a final test, they're going to let
the post office have a go at it.

Do you like to eat crisps?

No, no.

I've got popcorn here.

No,

neither. I wouldn't prefer either.

I'm trying to watch the film. Oh, yes,
sorry.

I've seen this film.

See that dark bird up there, the one
that looks like Audrey Hepburn a bit?

that one?

No, no, she's up there. It's no good
looking at me. Look, up there.

See her? Well, of course I see her.

She gets murdered to death.

About halfway through, she's strangled
by her own pair of tightsies.

Did you have to tell me that?

Eh? Did you have to tell me that?

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't
realise you're one of these people who

like to know what's going to come next,
are you? Yes, I am. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm

sorry. Yeah, my apologies.

Yes, anyway, it's not crucial to the
plot. It doesn't affect the film,

mean, it won't affect you. It won't
spoil your enjoyment.

I say it won't spoil your enjoyment.

It won't spoil it for you. Good.

It would have spoiled it for you if I
told you the blokes he was with were

stabbed down in a bath. That cameras
a... Won't now, will it? Eh?

I say it won't come as a surprise now.
You have told me. You've just told me.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Don't keep saying
sorry in that empty way. I'm just trying

to watch the film. Yes, OK. I'm sorry.
You will not know... I'm sorry. You will

not know I'm here.

Is that a mole?

Is that a mole on your... in shape like
a question mark, is it? Is that a mole?

Is that a mole there?

He's got one just like it. Who, who,
who? Him, the bloke in the film. The one

that gets sucked out of the aeroplane
after he explodes.

He lands on his tidal wave, he's
swimming away, he nearly gets to the

he's eaten by his giant sharks.

Terrible. Thank you very much. Thank you
very much. What?

What do you mean, what? You have just
ruined the entire film for me. I'm

I keep forgetting. I'm sorry, but it's a
terrible film anyway. It's a dreadful

film, honestly.

Not worth watching. I've seen it twice.

It's not worth watching.

Honestly, you'd be much better employed
reading that book you've got there,

Murder at Mallory Manor. That is a good
book. That's a very good book, that.

I've read that. It's a very excellent
book.

No, it is. It's a lovely book, that. It
really keeps you on your toes. It keeps

you in your suspense until the very last
minute. That's lovely.

The butler did it.

I'm leaving.

Oh, don't go. Hey, I hope you have a
nice dinner anyway.

You're going to have roast lamb, roast
potatoes and peas.

Yeah, and don't plan anything for
afterwards because your wife's got a

Keep up on the ride.

Snorgy down the dirt road.

Looking for adventure.

Rolling down the milky.

Heavy, heavy, and grindstone Randy.

They tell me he's much too tired.

But brother, he comes in handy.

He'd be ten every night.

to be back here.

Good luck with this in silence.

Where to keep your black gear?

Rubbery with violence?

Don't bother with love and marriage.

We're at three o 'clock.

Each week I go up the garage to change
the oil.

Must be biking freaks.

Ain't had a wife for weeks.

Freaking down to Bognor.

Making all the weird scenes.

without doubt and tomorrow we'll still
be braving if I bump

that down we'll still be wise

tonight

tonight

is rather

After 15 years, it looks as though the
time has come to say goodbye to the old

chair.

Oh, that's very nice. Thank you very
much.

Owing to mounting financial pressure,
the BBC is having to sell off many of

prized assets.

And as from next week, I am to be
rehoused in Dave Allen's ashtray.

By the way, for anyone who doubts that
the BBC are in deadly earnest, I've

actually got... hear the official estate
agent's blurb for this chair.

Listen to this.

Ronnie Corbett's chair, television
centre, West 12th. We are pleased to

this much sought after little property
nestling in the idyllic surroundings of

Studio 8's scenery store.

Situated within easy walking distance of
the floor and just

And just the stones throw away from
Terry Wogan.

Stones not provided, it says.

Comprises one sitting tenant of mature
pre -war type with ample

scope for extension downstairs.

How dare they. And he jokes in need of
some modernisation.

Realistically priced at 29 ,000, but
we'll take a tenner. Now, I can tell you

intend to fight this through the courts.
And I'm quite confident because I have

got a very, very good lawyer.

Barrister, who happens to play golf with
me, who can work miracles.

I mean, he was the one who got me
compensation for unfair dismissal from

Harlem Globetrotters.

Well, everyone is on the make these
days. Actually, talking of lawyers

me there is still one or two legal
hitches over my sensational new

autobiography. I've got this, you know,
it's called The Secrets of a Super Stud.

Rambo Ronnie reveals all.

No, no, at long last, I have decided to
kiss and tell.

No, I think it's high time people knew,
you know, the other Ronnie Corbett for a

change. You know, Ronnie Corbett the
swinger.

You may scoff, but many is the night I
can be glimpsed mixing with the jet set

down at Tramps in my tight clinging
jeans with my big gold medallion, my

coat open down to the navel, bopping
away, you know, till three, sometimes

four minutes past seven.

admit, it hasn't always been like that.
I haven't always been as physical with

the ladies as I am today. I was quite a
late developer emotionally.

I used to have this dream that I was
alone in a dressing room with five

dancers playing This Little Piggy Went
to Market.

I suppose it all stems from being very
small as a child. I mean, when I was

born, my mother demanded a recount.

Anyway, as I say, We are having some
legal trouble over one controversial

passage in my new book about the time I
spent the night in Brit Eklund's bedroom

and got arrested for loitering in a
public place.

So if the book fails to appear, you will
know why. But on to tonight's story,

which is a true tale.

True life tale that actually happened to
some very close friends of mine. And

since it's a bit personal, I'd be
obliged if you didn't let it go any

Now, they're a bit of a strange couple,
these two. Every so often they invite us

round for dinner to the chic little pad
in Hampstead. It's all very open plan,

you know.

They've just had the goldfish bowl and
the budgie cage knocked into one.

And it's a very exclusive neighbourhood,
I'll tell you. I mean, where they live,

they don't have morning papers.

No morning papers at all.

Alistair Burnett comes round and chokes
the letterbox.

Anyway, here we come to the interesting
part of the story.

And not before time, I can hear you say.

Incidentally, this story was reminded to
me the other day by Peter Alice at a

little informal bonfire I threw.

After my golf lesson.

It wasn't much of a bonfire. I don't
know if you ever tried to burn a set of

golf clubs.

The woods go fairly well, but the irons
tend to hang around for a while.

Anyway, this, for 20 years, this is the
story, 20 years, the husband has kept,

this husband, has kept a big wooden
trunk at the foot of the bed.

And he has made his wife swear on a
blinding oath on her grandmother's

which is not easy because she was buried
at sea.

that she will not, under any
circumstances, try and open it.

And being a loyal wife, she keeps her
oath until one day it's the wedding

anniversary. Now, she comes downstairs
expecting to find something on the

breakfast table, a card or some flowers
or, you know, something. Nothing.

Nothing. Not a sausage.

So she thinks, well, there is one
sausage, yes.

And a couple of fried eggs and some
toast.

But no present.

So after he's gone off to work, you see,
she thinks, right, just for that, I'm

going to open that damn trunk upstairs
and see what is inside it once and for

all, which she does. And when she opens
it, there inside she finds four golf

balls and 800 pounds tied up in an
elastic band.

What can that possibly mean, she
wonders. Well, that night her husband

home, full of remorse, loaded with
flowers, boxes of chocolates, a bucket

Chanel No. 5.

He says, how can you ever forgive me?

Happy anniversary, my petal, he says, at
which his wife is deeply moved.

I am deeply moved, she said.

There you are. I told you she was deeply
moved.

She said, I have a confession to make.
He said, you know that crowbar I use to

get the skin off the rice pudding?

Well, she said, while you were out, I
used it to open that trunk upstairs. Now

now know what is inside.

Four golf balls and 800 pounds.

Oh, my God, says her husband.

Well, he says, there's nothing for it
now. I will come clean. You see,

throughout our marriage, every time I
have been, as it were, unfaithful to

I've opened that trunk and I've put a
golf ball inside.

Now you know. Oh, dear, she says.

She still, I suppose, she said, four
golf balls in 25 years, not so bad.

But tell me, what about the 800 pounds?

He said, well, every time I got a dozen
together, I sold them.

Yes, here I am again, Auntie Claire,
solving all your painful problems with

and compassion.

And if I can't solve a problem, I sit on
it for a while and it disappears.

I'm going to sit right here and read you
all a letter.

I'm getting piles of mail from you.

Like this one here that simply said,

My better half hogged all the bed.

She's a love but far too chubby.

Oh, that one's from my hubby. May I
quote a note from poor, perplexed

My mate ignores me all night through.

Well, sweetie, go right out and buy a
see -through sweater.

And show your man a thing.

Or two.

There's a postcard from Daisy.

She says, I'm going crazy. My husband
put three neighbors' wives up the spout.

This man is a nutter, dear. Show him the
gutter. While you make the butter,

he spreads it about.

Oh, do help me, Claire Chuck.

I love Lionel Blair, Chuck.

Writes anxious and puzzled.

From West Birkenhead, love.

Stop it with Lionel. He's married.

That's final.

You'll never find his tap shoes under
your bed.

Here's a card from Mary Hughes.

I've got a thing about tattoos.

I've got them everywhere.

My boyfriend's going spare.

My viewers of Spain.

Drive him insane as the plan of Milan on
my Unaware.

He loves to stray along the road to
Mandalay.

Each night to go too far, he'll try.

So, Claire, what shall I do? Tell him if
he marries you, he'll get the rest of

the world by and by.

Oh, Mrs. Raynor, what can I do?

My husband Jack has lost the knack, says
Mrs. Fruit from Crewe. Try some indoor

sports, love, I told Mrs. Fruit. Now
every night she winds up playing Trivial

Pursuit.

This one's from a man called Rambo.

Six foot four and loves to mambo. Need
abroad to love me night and day.

Someone I can call my baby.

Am I much too macho, maybe?

Lovey -dove, who cares?

I'm on my way.

Don't forget to write Big Bear a nice
long letter.

If you're simply -pimply pregnant, sad
or gay, I have to tell

you, loves, my problems don't get
better.

To advise you how I toil.

But my plans all seem to spoil.

So I write to Katie Boyle.

coat, Miss Goodbody?

Oh, I do, I do.

You're such a darling.

And the necklace?

Oh, it's beautiful.

I can't wait to express my gratitude
properly.

The first of many times.

Look out!

You trying to kill everybody?

My secretary is very, very sensitive.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

That's the fourth little giddy we've run
into today.

Right. Where is this hotel?

450 yards ahead. Turn right and it's
second on the left.

The Smith Hotel.

You are so efficient, Mr. Body.

And for a temp, too. What a lucky day
for me the day you arrived.

One way or the other.

Right. Smiths Hotel, here we come.

Shall we call ourselves Mr.

and Mrs. Smith?

I'll be Mr.

Very nice.

Very discreet.

How about being carried over the
threshold?

Well, I think I'm going to be a little
too heavy for you.

Smith's option, where is one?

Smear, Smith.

Look, Miss Goodbody, would you mind
slipping this on the old journalist?

What does this mean?

It means, dear, I always carry a spare.

Very nice indeed, eh?

Very suitable.

What for?

Precisely, for a bit of what for.

Here? No, not here, dear, not here.
Upstairs, isn't it?

Shall I order the drinks for the
interval?

You must be Mr and Mrs Smith.

What? How do you know that, then? Well,
everybody is round here.

We were wondering, my wife and I... Oh,
yeah, where's she then?

This is my wife here. And we were
wondering if you had a room.

Room? Double bed?

That is it, double bed.

And another little bed in case your wife
turns up.

This is my wife here, you see.

In fact, we're celebrating our
anniversary, aren't we, dear?

Oh. We... Have I read? Have I... Have I
lost anniversary?

Well, congratulations.

If you care to sign in, Mr Smith. Smith?

Oh, sorry, it's me, isn't it?

And this is Mrs. Dobbs. Smith.

So borrowed, eh?

Yes, she is, isn't she?

But I'm worried, you know. I mean, she
has got a ring. Have you seen the

gentleman with the ring? Of course she's
got a ring, yes. Very nice indeed,

madam, yeah.

It reminds me, I was hanging them
curtains up in the snug.

Oh, by the way, my name's Smith as well,
you know.

Sylvanus Q. Smith at your service.

Ah. Oh, well.

Sorry, you'd better...

Yes, very wise, yes.

It is nearly five o 'clock.

I'm putting you in the Smith suite, sir.

This hasn't been slept in since Mr and
Mrs Smith.

I would go and get your luggage for you
from the car, only you haven't got any.

No, but this all came up a bit suddenly.

Oh, really?

You didn't know you were going to have
an anniversary.

Well, not such a nice one.

They signed in as Mr and Mrs Smith.

Beautiful.

Right up in the ivy.

I feel like a bird.

So do I. And you're the bird I feel
like.

Now, listen.

You slip into your nightie. You have got
a nightie, haven't you?

It's in here.

if they do oysters.

I'll nip downstairs and see if we can
rustle up a couple of dozen oysters, you

see.

You put yourself on hold.

Tread water remote.

Have you got any oysters?

Better than that, sir. The Smith
special.

There we are.

When it comes... When it comes to
putting lead in pencils, that makes a 4B

a 3H.

Cheers.

Oh, you know, it's strong, isn't it?

Still very quiet here, isn't it? You're
the first person I've seen here. There's

nobody in the street at all.

Oh, well, all the regulars will be in
later on, yeah.

Jim Smith, the Smith family, the three
boys, you know, the Smith triplets,

Larry, Barry and Harry.

And then the oldest in Aberdeen, Old
Smitty.

Not a Smith's? Well, not really.

Be quiet, Smith.

Who's this, then?

That is the first man, Adam Smith.

And this here?

Oh, that is Eve Smith, offering him a
Granny Smith.

And the picture hanging up in the loo is
the relief of Lady Smith.

Have a crisp.

Don't have to ask you what kind of
crisps those are.

The cheese and onion.

Oh, giddy.

Oh, gone all right, eh?

Good

morning,

Mr Dobbs.

Did you sleep well?

Well, well, well. Oh, look, lovely day.

The chambermaids, they're a day off,
sir.

No, no, not chambermaid.

Chambermaid? Miss Goodbody, my temporary
second... My temporary second wife. My

second wife.

It's all going to be, you know... We
were going to, you know.

We were going to.

Why haven't we? Why?

Well, this isn't a Smith suite.

Smith suite? You say we haven't got a
Smith suite.

Well, this is not my room. This is a
room you books are one single room.

room? What is a single room to me? What
are you going to do in a single room,

eh? Where is she?

Where did she go?

A kiss.

This is it.

This is it. This is it.

You're not going to use all them, are
you?

Where is it? Where is it? It's just
along the passage.

The time of Athelred the Unready.

Where is my crumpet?

I can warm you one up.

She was already warmed up, thank you
very much. Now, where is she? Where is

lady I arrived with? You arrived alone,
sir.

We arrived together. We signed the book
together. Come with me and I'll prove

it. Come on.

There you are. Look, no Mrs Smith there,
is there?

It's got Brian Dobbs there. Of course it
has. You signed it.

Yeah, but Mrs Smith was standing there.

Mrs who?

All right, then, my secretary, Miss
Goodbody, was standing there.

Any distinctive features?

Well, she was wearing paper knickers.

And you were hoping to catch up on your
paperwork, were you?

I'm going to see the police about this.
There's obviously something at the

bottom of this.

Yeah.

Paper knickers, I dare say.

Deceptive thing, traffic.

Three days, nothing, then two come along
all at once.

Oh, I'm off duty now, sir.

PC Smith, at your service.

Last night, I stayed at Smith's Hotel.

When? Last night. Oh, I don't think so,
sir. Now, this here church is the church

of St. Smithing, see?

Now, you come and have a look at this
here gravestone.

My dear dead brother.

Sylvanus Q. Smith died in 1983, but he's
alive.

I mean, I've just been speaking to him.
I stayed there last night. Would you

come with me, please, sir?

This ain't been an old tale for more
than eight or nine years.

Condemned they were.

Water in the milk and dry rot in the
beer.

What's impossible, I mean?

My secretary, my car, my diamonds, my
fur coat.

I must be going batty. I think you ought
to go and see my other brother, Dr.

Smith. Where will I find him? Well,
that'd be the short way and that'd be

long way, but I don't advise you coming
the short way. It'd do too longer.

Smith's disease, all right. You've got a
bad case of it.

Well, is there a cure?

Yes, but it has a side effect. What's
that?

It doesn't work.

That's her.

That's Miss Goodbody.

No, no, you're seeing things.

Very lovely things, but you're just
seeing.

It's me, darling, you know.

Ballylux. You know, it's Gojum.

Inky dinky.

I'm sorry.

I never saw you before in my whole life.

Miss Dizzy, I'm going to start raving
bonkers.

There you are. A second opinion. That
confirms it.

What you need is plenty of fresh air and
cold showers.

Take all your clothes off and walk home
in the rain.

Good night.

Right -o, girls.

Mission accomplished.

All inside for a debriefing.

Well,

I think we all deserve a drink, don't
we? Here we are, one fur coat, one

necklace, and, of course, one Jaguar.

Well done, Sandra.

Aha! The late Mr Smith. I know what you
do.

You run a temp agency, don't you? Every
girl you send out has to ensnare a boss,

eh? Then he buys her expensive gifts and
all that. Then she lures him back here.

Then she disappears, doesn't she? Eh?
And you drive him mad then, don't you?

Thank you, thank you.

Right, you've made your match now,
Smith.

I'll go to the police. Not B .C. Smith.

Alias Dr. Smith, alias you.

Nice work, Dobbs.

There's just one thing.

You tell the police, and we'll tell Mrs.
Dobbs.

Get on the phone, Sandra.

No, no, no, no, please.

What are you going to do now, Dobbs?

Customers, action stations, girls.

You must be Mr.

and Mrs. Smith.

Welcome.

What seems to be just about all we have
time for, but before we go, a few late

items of news.

Yes, at a ceremony at the Town Hall
today, Mr Alfred Smelly, lifelong

of bad eggs and old cabbage leaves, was
named as the person who'd done most in

the past year to make Orpington a
cleaner and better place to live in.

moved to Surbiton.

The owner of a Sinclair C5 was involved
in a nasty accident today on the B101

when he was run over by a fast -moving
hedgehog.

Fourth news, and in tonight's
catchweight contest between Big Bill

Brixton Bruiser, and Tiny Tim Thompson,
the Tottenham Terrier, Tiny Tim was

disqualified for using his head. He
didn't turn up.

Finally, the winner of tonight's gay
football final by six goals to three was

ACDC Milan.

In a packed show next week... I should
be talking to the expert in aerodynamics

who crossed an aborigine with a plumber
and got a boomerang that says it'll come

back in the morning.

And I'll be talking to the extremely shy
rhubarb grower who used to hate meeting

people, but now he hides under an old
bucket and forces himself.

It's goodnight from me.

And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.