All language subtitles for The Two Ronnies s11e04

Good evening. It's wonderful to be back
with you once more, isn't it, Ronnie?

Yes, indeed it is. And in a packed
programme tonight, we shall be talking

distraught golly who says his career is
in shreds.

Also a slimming expert who's devised the
G -Plan diet, where you get so hungry

you eat the furniture.

And we'll be meeting a farmer who keeps
his black bull looking young by using

Frisian 2000.

But first, the news.

The woman who was squatted with her
husband in Buckingham Palace while the

was away was put on probation today. The
judge said this was a tragic case since

the poor, deluded woman already had a
perfectly nice home of her own.

Number 10, Downing Street.

British Airways announced today that
they are working on a plan to give all

their passengers window seats so
everybody can watch their luggage being

onto another plane.

Unveiled today at the Tate Gallery was
David Hockney's latest masterpiece,

Life with Potato.

It's so realistic that the eyes follow
you around the room.

There were complaints today that the
Upper Tidlington Meals on Wheels service

has now had more breakdowns than
anybody's had hot dinners.

Agatha Snodglass, known as the most
repulsive woman between London and

has at last received official
recognition.

She appears on this year's AA map as the
biggest turn -off on the M1.

Finally, there was a steward's inquiry
after the Irish 10 ,000 guineas today

when the horse that won the race lost
the action replay.

But now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie
Corbett, a man who doesn't need a

he jumps into the pop -up toaster.

Oh, hello, Bert. Oh, Charlie. What can I
have for you? That's very kind of you.

I'll have a pint of... What, a pint of
light? No, a pint of... A pint of brown?

No, a pint... A pint of mardy? What? No,
a... A pint of bitter, is it? A pint of

bitter, yeah. A pint of bitter. A pint
of bitter, Alan, will you?

So how are you? I haven't seen you up in
the factory lately, then. Well, you've

been almost sick, have you? What? No,
no, I chucked it in, didn't I? Oh, did

you? Oh, yeah, chucked it in. Well, they
want me to change my... What, change

your hours?

No, change my... Change your what?
Change your habits?

No, change my... Change your socks more
often.

change my duties, didn't they? Oh,
change your duties.

Yeah, they want me to change... Oh,
thanks, Alan, yeah. Cheers, all the

Cheers. Oh, dear.

They want me to change my duties. Well,
I didn't want to do that, did I? I've

got a very good job there, you know.
I've got a very, very cushy number.

Well, exactly what's your job there,
then? Well, the same job as I have for

years, wasn't it? Is it? Yes.

I always work with, um... With pride?

No, with, um... Within reason. No, no.

With your overcoat on. No.

With Harry Hawkins, didn't I?

Hawkins, always.

He used to give me his, um, what, his
old -hearted support, didn't he?

He used to give me his, um... His
athletic support.

No, his ginger nuts.

Nice, yeah, yeah. He used to give me his
ginger nuts, and I used to dip him,

uh... Dip him in his tea for him.

to dip them in the chocolate, didn't we?
Oh, chocolate. Oh, that was the job,

was it? That was the job. Oh, I see.
Yeah, that was the job. Yeah, Harry

and I were the two who made all the
chocolate ginger nuts. Oh, didn't I?

that was our job. Then they realised, or
they decided, they didn't realise,

actually, they decided a woman could do
the job as well. Oh, yeah. So, of

course, then they put me on... Short
time?

No, on... Short cake?

No,

on sherbet fountains.

I mean, on all the sherbet fountains.
Now, that is a real messy job, because

that sherbet gets everywhere.

You know, yes. I mean, you strip off and
then find you've got a coating of

sherbet all over the... All over the
weekend.

Yeah, that's... No, and the wife don't
like it, you see. Oh, that makes it

worse, because you can't even... No,
exactly.

Well, this woman decides that she cannot
work with Harry Hawkins. She doesn't

like his way... His ginger nuts.

His machinery.

Oh, his machinery.

She doesn't like the way he handles his
machinery. She thinks he's...

Nuts. No.

No, no, she thinks he's... What, ginger?

Yeah!

She thinks he's incompetent. Oh,
incompetent, yeah. That's even worse,

That is right.

Yeah. So you went back and started
working with him again, did you? No, no,

started completely.

I went back home and discovered the wife
was up... Up to her knees in

Sherbrooke.

No, no, discovered the wife was up... Up
to her old tricks with a milkman.

No, no, discovered the wife was up her
mother, did you see? Oh, up her mother,

yeah, yeah.

So I thought to myself, I thought, go
down to Jobcentre, I thought. Oh, yeah.

Because if you want a really decent job,
that is the place to steer clear of.

Now, come on, be fair. Some of them are
very nice. These jobs are very good.

Now, my brother went to one for a job as
a removal man.

Yeah. And within a week, they'd already
given him a fortnight's holiday.

No, they'd given him... His own set of
teachers?

Oh, given him a hernia. Oh, no.

Anyway, this is a very... It's quite
interesting, this place. I walked into

this... Yeah. I walked into this job
centre. Yeah.

And there is this girl... Yeah.

...behind the grill.

Yeah. You see, filing... Filing an
answer.

Filing... What, filing the bars, trying
to get out?

No, filing these jobs, you see. Oh,
yeah, yeah. In the folders, you see what

mean? Yeah, yeah.

And she's sitting there. She's a very
nice girl, man. Yeah. You know, a big

girl. Oh, yeah, yeah.

She's got these two... Yes, I'll get the
picture.

Either side.

Well, they would be, obviously.

And I asked about the job, and these
two... Yeah, I know. They sprang up.

They sprang up? How was that? Well, they
don't know. Just a natural excitement,

I suppose.

Then they came towards me. Did they
really?

And then I... I asked about the job, and
these two, um, what do you call them,

two, uh... Clarks. Oh, Clarks. Oh,
Clarks.

I got the wrong picture entirely.

I was barking up the wrong, you know.
Oh, right, yeah, well, I thought you

I'm glad enough, yes. Anyway, these two
fellas, these two Clarks, they said,

they said, they said, now wait a minute,
they said, just like that, let me

handle this, they said. Oh, yeah.
Because apparently she was a trainee,

Oh, yeah. And she just got off the,
um... Off the train.

No.

Off the course. Oh, of course, of
course, of course. They say, we have a

that may very well suit you. Oh, yeah.
You see?

They say, we want someone who's with
short... Short what? Short legs? No, no,

short... Short shirts?

No, no, no, no.

Short... Short cummins?

No, no, no.

Do you mind, please?

No,

they want someone with short -handed
typing. Oh!

They want someone with short hands. They
want someone with short hands because

they... They're short -handed.

They don't understand.

Oh, well, yes.

And the labour exchange is another
place, you see. Now, I don't have short

hands, and actually I didn't get the
job, did I? So you're out of work still,

are you? Oh, no, I took a job. They had
one job available. I took that. Oh, go

on. What was that then? Well, I got this
job with the sweet... With the sweet

factory again? No, no, no.

I got this job in the city with the
sweet... What, with the sweet smell of

success?

Hardly. I'm in charge of the gen...
Waterloo Station.

The lyric of Elaine's song this week
started its days as a poem in Life

magazine. It was later set to music by
the great Hoagy Carmichael. Here it is

then, sung by our special guest.

I get along without you very well.

I get along without you very well.

Of course I do.

Except when soft rain falls and drips
from leaves,

then I recall the thrill of being
shared.

to hear your name or someone's laugh
that is the same

Should I fall once more? No, it's best

that I stay.

perhaps in spring but I should never
think of spring

for that would sure

My name is Lucifer Hornsby, and I am the
Grand High Wizard of the Emetic Order

of the Golden Rivet.

Hendon Branch.

And this is me out of uniform.

Thank you.

In our secret order, we swear three
sacred vows.

Not to reveal to any man the secret of
the Golden Rivet, to practice absolute

chastity on Thursday.

sound this duck quacker every minute
until 1999.

I am, in fact, a witch.

Warlocks, I hear you cry.

And you're quite right.

Now, this chart here, this was drawn up
in the 16th century by the great mafia

prophet, Lacosa Nostradamus.

He laid down, which he often did, except
on Thursdays, of course, a high wizard

must be born under either Castor or
Pollux.

Now, which is my sign?

Yes, you're right again.

Last night I was scanning the heavens
through our washing line and I noticed

Venus was on the cusp of Mercury and
Pisces was in trine with my wife, Purple

Bloomers. What does this forebode? Well,
tonight I hope to get Pisces with Venus

rising and Bloomers falling.

But it's not Thursday, so tally -ho.

What about magic potions? Here, seething
in this pot, is the aphrodisiac of

Mandragola, the most powerful love
filter known to man.

And to women.

And to others.

It is now being stirred up a bit by my
apprentice, Miss Exotica Stormtrooper.

As indeed I am.

for this love potion.

Have you a pencil and paper?

Well, you put those in first.

Also, a pint of milk, half a cup of
flour, three dried prunes, and the

chitterlings of an albino warthog
collected by full moon in Market Harbour

there's a K in a month by a virgin who's
a member of the STP.

Can I find a member of the STP?

So, if you find this last item tricky,
an oxo -cube will do just as well.

Now, any man who drinks this potion
becomes sexually irresistible.

There. Told you so.

I am not allowed to reveal any of the
secrets of the golden rivet. If I do, my

head will be cut from my body and kept
for... all time in a box labelled

canned peaches.

But I will say this. Our secrets come
from decoding Egyptian hieroglyphics.

me show you.

Now, here is an easy example. Here we
are.

A bird in the hand is worth two in
Shepherd's Bush.

But this one here is a love story.

Shall we see what it means? Let us
decipher it.

Saw. Dear ear.

Dear ear. Ear -ole. Ear -ole.

Oh, yes.

This morning I saw dear -ole John.

Or it could be dear -ole Lou, of course.

We'll stick to John.

L -O, son, I said.

and pull a couple of birds.

This'll be ace.

At the bush, we saw a couple of birds.

I said, fancy a date?

No way, they said, knickers to you.

is what happened.

Good night.

The ladder of life is full of splitters,
but you never realise it till you start

sliding down.

Do you know that the only time you're
allowed to spit in a policeman's face is

when his beard's on fire?

My brother has slid down it. He's got
the splinters to prove it. Look at his

head.

His head?

Splinters off a policeman's truncheon.

Oh, cos he spat in his face when his
beard wasn't on fire.

He's in prison now.

Bit of a slur on the family name, is it?
Not really.

Family name is Pentonville anyway.

What's he in for?

He was imprisoned for his beliefs.

What beliefs?

He believed in night water with the
sleep.

Yes? Mr. Squills, sir.

Yes, 20 minutes.

Ah, Squills. Yes.

I'll come straight to the point. It was
you, was it not, who organised the

recent tour of the Odingo Dongo
Swampland by the Dagenham Girl Piper?

Thank you very much, sir. No, not thank
you very much, Squills. Well, it was a

howling success, sir. Yes.

Unfortunately, they don't like howling
out here in Zimbotsiwana.

Especially Scottish howling.

Now, all your cultural products have so
far been unsuccessful, haven't they,

Squills? Well, sir, Dolly Parton was a
big hit. Yes, but only because out here

there is a shortage of shade.

The upshot of it is, Squills, that this
embassy and we here have got 24 hours to

leave the country. 24 hours, sir? What
about my trailing Ljubljana? Oh, well,

she'll have to follow on later.

As you know, Squills, diplomats travel
first class.

Yes, sir, thank you very much, sir.
Yeah, well, some.

Diplomats. I have my tickets here, you
see.

Five to eight. Oh, very nice early
flight, sir. No, no, no. Those are the

numbers of the seats. Five to eight, you
see. I do have my golf clubs, after

all. Which means, girls, that there's no
room for you in first class.

Oh, don't worry, sir. Second class is
good enough for me.

I'd put it rather stronger than that,
girls.

You mean I'm travelling tourist, sir?
Well, yes and no.

Travelling, yes.

Tourist, no.

Bring it in, would you?

Tell me, Squills, do you smoke?

Yes, I do. Yes, I thought you did. You
look a nasty colour.

Ah, yes, thank you very much.

Thank you, Grey, to just put it there,
would you?

Thanks very much.

Now, Squills, this is for you.

Oh, well, this will be absolutely ideal,
sir. I'll get all my stuff in there.

All my... What is this, sir?

Well, you want to sit down, don't you?

Now, look, Squirrels, if there's
anything you're unhappy about, let's

it. Oh, no, sir. No, sir, you've been
more than thoughtful in most ways. I

wondered if, um... What about a window,
sir?

Don't be silly. Who'd want to look at
you?

Air holes, I mean. Now, just watch your
language, please.

Air holes, sir, to breathe, sir. Oh,
breathe.

Must you?

I mean, I could hold my breath, sir.
Good man, good man. Then that way

won't bother you, you see.

Diplomatic baggage.

Yes, leave my secretary out of this,
will you, sir?

Now, something to read upon the journey.
Here we are.

One set of encyclopedias. Oh, gosh, sir,
that'll last me for months.

Yes, well, a sea trip can be very
tedious, can't it?

Oh, I shall be going by sea when I owe
the romance and bustle of the Suez

sir. Yeah, well, around the Cape,
actually.

Which one?

Both. You're going the pretty journey.
Oh, sir, you've been more than

thoughtful. I must thank you for the
consideration you have shared. What is

sign here? I notice this says Umbada.

Is that, what, fragile?

No, that's ice cream.

Ice cream? Yes, well, I can't get you in
a refrigerated ship, otherwise, can I?

I'm pleased you said that, sir, because
I suffer from terrible prickly heat down

there. Down where? Round the Cape, sir.

all that sort of smutty talk, Squills.
Get in there and let's try it and see if

you're comfortable. Yes. Only be very
careful because these wooden crates

go on trees, you know.

You have to put your head in. I'm sorry,
you're much too big, Squills. Thank you

very much, sir. Perhaps if I stretch my
legs a little. Yes, always thinking of

number one, aren't you?

Well, I wasn't. Now you bring it up. Is
there a toilet or more?

What I mean, Squills, is that you can't
expect to have this all to yourself.

Oh, no, sir. Oh,

that's wonderful, sir. He'll be somebody
to speak to. No, it's not a he,

Squills. Oh, it's not Miss Thaisley of
Cypher, is it? No, it's not Miss

of Cypher. No, I've co -opted Miss
Thaisley.

Twice, if you're interested.

No, I just mean that it's going to be
slightly more of a crush than that. It's

your own fault, Squills. You brought it
on yourself.

You brought them out here.

You all jolly well have to smuggle them
back, won't you? Come on.

We took to the fly.

Step so neat and jump so high.

Kick each other in the eye. Dancing
marionette.

Legs forever tangling.

Jokes we can't resist.

Little arms are dangling.

Fleet of foot and limp of wrist.

Now you know just why we're keen.

Keen to show you what we mean.

Take you through the tap routine of the
dancing marionette.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I did shopping.

Just made.

Got no matches.

Eh? You sure?

Of course I'm sure.

I could have sworn you've got some.
Check your pockets, see if you've got

I haven't, I tell you. I haven't got any
matches.

Oh, dear. Well, I'll just have to use my
own then.

Dear, that is mean, isn't it, eh?

That's what I call a really stingy,
dirty trick.

Well, that's not as stingy and dirty as
my sister's husband.

Now, he really is stingy and dirty.

He went to stay with my mum for a
fortnight. He arrived with a spare shirt

par note and never changed either.

So and so he was at all. Even when he
won the sweepstake down at the pub. You

don't look very cheerful, I said.

Considering you won the sweep, I said,
no, I'm not, he said. What annoys me is

bought two tickets.

Tonight, I have had a special request
from a lady in Bromley.

So I want to be away a bit earlier, if
you don't mind.

But before I go, I have got something
very exciting to show you.

Just to fill you in a bit on the
background about this, I was chatting to

producer the other day after one of our
weekly rugger matches, and I forgot

to tell you, I was recently elected
captain of the BBC rugby team.

I won't pretend. I won't pretend. I
won't pretend we're a great side, you

Last week we lost at home to the
Beverley sisters.

I was never much good at athletics, to
be honest. I was once lapped in the long

jump.

Anyway,

after the match, the producer came up to
me, you see, in the showers, to

compliment me on my tackle.

me a playful wink with his frosted glass
eye.

He's a bit of an introvert.

Ronniekin's lovely, he said.

Ronniekin.

To be honest, he's been a bit on edge
just lately, ever since he heard there

a big strapping convict on the loose in
his part of London.

And he took it all very seriously and
had his front door fitted with a daisy

chain.

He said, I just thought you'd like to
know that the BBC have finally agreed to

give you a new set on the show.

Lovely, he said.

I must say, it did cheer up my wife,
Anne, when I told her, because she was,

know, feeling a bit low at the time. The
night before, to be honest, we'd held a

dinner party, which was slightly marred
when my Auntie Ethel shot herself during

a game of Happy Families.

I was actually heartbroken, I can tell
you.

I only wanted Mr Snip the Vasectomist
for a full set.

Anyway, the top and bottom of it is that
the

BBC's top scenery designers have been
working right into the early hours of

afternoon to come up with a swish new
setting for my chat spot, and this is

result.

A brand new Ronnie Corbett set, that is.

Are you impressed?

Now, I know what you're thinking. You
know what you're thinking. Isn't that a

bit small even for him? I know you're
thinking that.

This is not the actual set, obviously.

I mean, this is just a model.

My goodness, even the BBC aren't stupid.
You know, they wouldn't think that I

could work in something actually this
size, obviously.

I mean, that would be quite silly. You
know, because if you imagine that.

I... Excuse me a minute.

for long. I've got some people here.

All right. All right. Thank you. All
right. So much for that.

Another dream gone.

Anyway, actually, to be honest, I think
I'll cover it up, you know.

Actually, to be honest, I don't know
why. I'll just leave it there, a bit of

company.

Not much company, but some company.

Actually, to be honest, that is, that's
not so very different from the house I

lived in when I first got married.

You know, it was so small that when we
left, they demolished it with a conker.

But I digress. Now, on to tonight's
story, and it is a true story which

a great classical violinist, Yehudi
Menuhin, who one night arrives for a

at the Royal Festival Hall, Bingley,
and... It's not the greatest venue in

world, but let's be honest, live
entertainment is becoming a thing of the

these days. I mean, even as I speak,
there are plans before the GLT.

to pull down Bernard Manning and build
an amusement centre.

And I know what it's like to get lumber
with some very dodgy bookings. I mean, I

shall... Well, I've never got over that
last Far Eastern tour I did a few years

back when I went to Polynesia.

I was appearing under my pigeon English
name, you know, Shortfellow Belong

Knackersyard.

And I...

I well remember the night I was booked
to perform in front of a tribe of

cannibals. The manager showed me to my
dressing room and I saw it had three

stars on the door.

I said, does this mean I'm top of the
bill? He said, no, it means you'll keep

for two months in a frozen food
compartment.

Anyway, there is Mr.

Menuhin just getting ready for his big
concert. The entire London Philharmonic

Orchestra are up there on stage.

And as they strike in, the intro, out
walks the great maestro onto the stage,

you know, to take his bow.

And as he...

Actually, he didn't walk quite as fast
as that.

I, you know, he walked more sort of
slowly.

I just walked fast like that just to
sort of save time, you know.

No, what I mean, no, if I'd walked, you
know, if I'd walked really slowly.

Well,

well, honestly, if I walked really
slowly like that, you know, we'd have

here all night.

So I walked fast, just, you know, just
so as not to slow up the action.

Anyway. I don't know why I'm telling you
all that, but I think it is what I'm

saying. As he walked onto the stage, the
audience rose as one man.

Let's be honest, the audience was one
man.

To his utter horror and dismay, Mr.
Menuhin looked across the footlights and

sees that the entire theatre is empty
except for this one podgy little man in

flat cap and bicycle clips, sitting at
the back of the row, eating a bag of

chips and rolling himself a black
pudding.

Mr. Menuhin is absolutely speechless.

I am absolutely speechless, he said.

I told you he was absolutely speechless.

I cannot possibly, he said, give a
recital under these circumstances.

I'm afraid the concert is off. To which
the chap pipes up. Oh, no, you don't, he

says. I'm not budging, he said, till
you've done your turn.

He said, get a piggy and move on, he
said.

No, you're wrong. It wasn't Richard
Baker. No, no.

Well, again, Mr.

Menuhin is adamant. I am adamant, he
said. There you are. I told you he was

adamant.

I must reiterate that I cannot perform
to an audience of one man. The chap

all right. He says, all right. He says,
I'll tell you what I'll do. He says,

just sing us one song and then I'll go.

This is the final insult.

But by this time, Mr. Menuhin is so
desperate to get rid of him, he'll do

anything. So he swallows his pride and
proceeds to give a rather feeble

rendition of...

The only song he knows. Show me the way
to go home.

When he's finally finished, the chap
gets out of his chair and looks up and

says, well, he said, if that's the way
you sing, he says, no wonder the bloody

place is empty.

Sadly, good do, isn't it? Mm, lovely.

Who did the food? Did his sister do it?

He hasn't got a sister.

Who's she ever done?

Oh, that was her sister. Oh, poor thing.

Well, he seems to be enjoying it.

If you were asked to pick out the
bereaved husband, you'd hardly pick him,

you? He's not sorry.

He was glad to see the back of her.
Well, he was certainly never very

with the front of her.

Oh, hello, Harold Sandwich. No, thank
you, Jim. I simply wanted to express my

condolences. Oh, don't bother, Harold.
I'm not going to miss her.

I couldn't have stood much more of her.

Well, I knew that.

Everybody guessed it, but I knew it.
What?

Well, you know, being psychic, you know.
Oh, yes, of course, yes.

Somebody's dropped a vol -au -vent on
the floor.

It's a maze.

And you know that just because you're
cycling?

No, no, I'm standing in it.

At least it's not the front room carpet.
Jennifer was terrible about that. Her

mother bought it for her, you see.

Great big ugly blotchy purple thing.

Her mother?

Absolutely.

It was her mother.

who instituted the blackboard in the
kitchen.

Jennifer used to write the orders of the
day on it in chalk.

Things she wanted me to do, or messages
if we weren't speaking. That sort of

stuff. Big ugly black thing hanging
there. Spoilt the look of the kitchen.

Still, you're free of her now. Go as you
wish, do as you please.

You didn't kill her yourself by any
chance, did you? Of course I didn't.

Being psychic, you should know that. Oh,
we don't know everything.

Otherwise, I wouldn't, for instance,
have to ask you where your lavatory is

I need it, which I do now. Oh, sorry.
There's stuff for you there, on the

Hello and good luck.

I've had enough of you, Jennifer.

I'm not going to let you rule me
anymore.

I'm finished with you.

Oh, yes, I have, Jennifer.

You and your rotten mother.

Hello, Harold.

Jim.

Listen, can I see you down at the pub?

It's urgent.

Yes, I know you've just got in, but
you'll have to come out again, won't

Well, something's happened.

No, I couldn't tell you at the funeral
because it hadn't happened at the

funeral.

Right. Five minutes?

Okay. Bye.

Oh,

no, I'm not, but I will be shortly. I'm
going to the pub.

the nuts.

Did you ask for nuts? No, but I just had
a feeling you would bring some.

Oh, it was a psychic feeling? No, a
greedy feeling.

Well,

what am I going to do, Harold?

Have you heard of the astral body?

Like the psychical research of that,
isn't it?

No, no, no, no. The astral body is what
some people believe rises from your real

body while you're asleep and floats
about. You know, have you ever had that

feeling in dreams that you're...

floating above yourself, and your real
self is down below, looking up at

yourself, looking down at yourself. Have
you ever had that feeling?

Yes, I think I have. Well, that is the
astral body.

Either that or it's a drink.

So you mean... I mean that Jennifer's
astral body is rising from the grave,

floating about your kitchen, and
throwing things at you. I mean, she has,

fact, become a poltergeist.

What am I going to do about it? Stay out
of the kitchen.

She'll eventually run out of crockery.
And then?

Then she'll start in the bedroom.

You'll just have to hope, eventually,
she becomes tired of it.

Not Jennifer. She's relentless.

Well, then, unless you can stop her
astral body rising from the grave, I'm

afraid you're lumbered.

You have to buy a tin helmet and don't
bend over in the bath.

There. Get out of that, you old bat.

And don't give a hoot.

Well,

you can please yourself.

What's that?

Oh, bonfire, right, of course.

Bonfire.

God, supposing somebody...

Thank you.

I finally got out of there and I
thought, what a good idea.

So I had the body exhumed and cremated.

As it worked, like a job. Guess what I
did with the ashes?

Sprinkled them all over the front room
carpet. How do you know that? I'm

psychic, remember?

That seems to be just about all we've
got time for, doesn't it, Ron? Yes.

Yes, sadly it does. But before we go, a
few late items of news. A thief in a

Croydon supermarket was thwarted today
by assistant Miss Teresa Quilp, who

attacked him with a labelling gun.

Police are now looking for a man with a
price on his head.

We have just heard...

that in a bid to keep their forthcoming
marriage secret, two British rail

employees had it announced over the
speakers at Victoria Station.

The vicar of St Gargles, Plumstead,
announced today that he'd had so many

potatoes in his collection for the
church roofing fund that he's got a

builder to do the job.

Mr Herbert Flagg... Britain's leading
masochist was buried today. As

his last wishes were totally ignored.

And the patient who received this year's
biggest organ transplant has been

awarded the Wurlitzer Prize.

In next week's programme, I shall be
talking to the man whose bathroom is so

cold his rubber ducks fly south for the
winter.

And a final newsflash.

there was a double celebration yesterday
at the home of Mr Ebenezer Scroggins of

Winchester. Not only did he reach the
grand age of 100, but he also got

for the very first time.

The Queen sent him a telegram, and
Prince Philip sent him a diagram.

Until then, it's goodnight from me.

And it's a very goodnight from him.
Goodnight.