All language subtitles for The Two Ronnies s11e02

Good evening. It's wonderful to be back
with you once again, isn't it, Ronnie?

Indeed it is. And in a packed program
tonight, we shall be talking to a

lumberjack and his mathematician bride
-to -be who plan to use the logarithm

method.

We'll also be meeting a man who sat down
on a lavatory that wasn't there.

And he'll be telling us that with the
benefit of hindsight, he wouldn't have

done it.

But first, the news.

Mrs. Thatcher has announced a new plan
for dealing with the EEC butter

She's inviting all her friends around
for sandwiches.

Bad news tonight, though. From the
financially embarrassed Winchelty dogs'

they've had to call in the official
retriever.

At a buffet lunch at the Savoy Hotel
today, Sophie Caldicott was declared

Britain's most elegant woman, whilst F
Dashwood Stumblebum, who fell into the

mayonnaise, became Britain's best
-dressed man.

News has just come in that Professor
Quentin Grubb, the Blackpool

who specialises in reading between the
lines, has just been run over by a tram.

News of a forthcoming happy event
tonight from the home of recently

teabag heiress Arabella Mazzuati and
sugar king Rodney Sprong.

However, doctors can't say whether it's
going to be one lump or two.

An American gossip columnist revealed
today that Dolly Parton has lost two

in weight all from the same place.

She's thrown away her wig.

It's been a frustrating week for Lizzie
Lumpsharf, the sorry woman who can't

tell the difference between Tupperware
and underwear.

She can't get the lid off her knickers.

And now a sketch about ice hockey in
which Mr Ronnie Corbett stars as Puck.

What ho, Bagley? How are you diddling,
you dirty old devil?

Well, fair to middling. Is there any
more?

Middling, diddling. Jolly nice. Yes,
very nice. Who is the lovely? I, on the

other hand, find things getting on top
of me at the moment. Oh, me too.

Yes, really? Are things getting on top
of you? Oh, no, sorry. We haven't been

introduced yet. Oh, I'm awfully sorry.
This is Arthur Bagley. This is Annika

from Finland.

Ah, hello.

Nice to meet you.

Don't get something to eat, will you, my
dear? That's right. Up there. Up there

somewhere. Yes.

Forgive my... Go easy on the garlic
bread, though, won't you, darling? Go

on the garlic bread. That's a bit of a
giveaway.

Well, you know what they say. A moment
in the mouth and a lifetime on the

breath. Is she then... Is she... Are
you... What? Are you and she... What do

mean? Are you and she... What?

Close? Close?

You and she, are you going around
together?

I mean, are you together?

What? Are you together? Together? Are
you... What?

Are you and she... Are you linked?

What do you mean? Index link? I mean, is
she with? Are you with? Is she with?

Is she with you?

No, no, no. No, she's over there, you
see.

She doesn't mind. She can go anywhere.
She's struck out on her own, you see.

There she is, putting her cigarette out
in the avocado dip by the look of it.

No, you're not with me. Yes, I'm with
you, and she's over there.

No, you're not grasping my meaning. Ah,
well, what do you mean? I mean, are you,

you know, are you a couple? Are you...

A couple of what?

Are you going around?

I mean, are you... I don't think so, no.

Not to put too fine a point in it. Yes.
Try and spell it out in words of less

than two syllables. Are you... Are you
walking out?

Just arrived, old chap.

No, no, I don't mean that. I mean, are
you...

Don't you understand? You and she...
Yes. You and she are obviously... You

you're obviously... You get on. You
fond... Are you... Have I got to draw a

diagram? Well, it seems it might help,
yes.

After tonight's party, when it finishes,
the party, you will leave it with

Annika. Yes. You will leave together.

Mm -hmm.

Yes. You will go home together. Oh, yes,
yes, yes.

Yes, yes. You will climb the stairs
together.

Yes, yes, we will, yes. And at the top
of the stairs, you will turn in the same

direction. Well, you have to. If you
turn the other way, you fall out of the

window.

Then you will go through the door
together.

No, no, no. Why not?

We take turns to go into the bathroom.

After the bathroom, you will go into the
bedroom together.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Then you will... You climb on the bed.

Oh, we might, we might. Yes, we might.
What do you mean, you might? We might.

Well, all right, we probably will. Yes,
we will. Well, we will. Yes, I will.

Yes, we will. Then you'll climb with me.
Then you will extend an arm. No.

No? No, no, no. What do you mean? What
do I do? I shall go straight to sleep.

Oh, sorry. I'm not going to believe that
for one minute. No, I do. As soon as my

head touches the pillow, I go straight
to sleep.

Well, I just... You mean you don't... I
mean, you... With all that... I mean,

no... You won't... You don't... Well,
why not?

Well... I'm like you. I don't know what
you call it either.

This is Elaine King's one of those songs
that we all seem to be able to hum, but

can't quite remember the title of.
Perhaps its simple theme makes its

everlasting.

Unchained Melody.

Oh.

in the 21st century. What will it be
like? Well, we in the government have

together various economic forecasters
with their crystal balls and one or two

with glass eyes to look into the future.
Now, over the next 20 years, high

technology will gradually replace
natural manpower in all walks of life.

Now, here, for example, is the new
microchip Tom O 'Connor.

Very simple to operate, and at £20 each,
only twice as expensive as the real

thing.

Of course, by reversing the current, it
becomes John Inman.

Now, the new generation of

metallic performers will replace the
wooden ones currently in use on

All actors will have to be oiled before
going on stage.

Or in the case of Oliver Reed, well
oiled.

What else can we expect in the way of
entertainment? Well, Bernard Manning,

who's always been in the way of
entertainment.

The advent of cable and satellite TV
will give you a much wider range of

television programs.

By the year 2000, you'll be able to
choose from 567 different channels using

this handy remote control device.

© BF -WATCH TV 2021

Recreation? Well, research shows that by
the end of the century, sex will be

replaced by snooker.

As man's favourite pastime, that is.

This won't make a great deal of
difference, although some men will need

rest.

Others, of course, will need a longer
vest.

But what about the elderly? Now, 85
-year -old Mr Arthur Cretis of Didcot

to me here, as follows.

Sir, when are the government going to...
Stop ignoring Britain's old -age

pensioners.

Next.

What will be left of Britain's green
belt? Well, here, over here, is a bird's

-eye view.

Oh, no, sorry. That's a bird's -eye pee.
I'm always... Now, as

you can see, all that's left of our
unspoiled countryside will be this

25 -acre golf course here in my back
garden in Surrey.

will be shot, but only if they're in
season.

What can we expect from the National
Health Service? Well, due to stringent

medical standards, no one will be
admitted to hospital unless they are 100

fit. This will unfortunately lead to
slight delays in treatment.

Migraine sufferers may have to put up
with a little pain in the head, and

lumbago sufferers will have to put up
with a little pain in the back.

Hemorrhoid sufferers will receive...
They will receive a visit from John

McEnroe.

politics will become much more
commercialised, and by the end of the

could see a House of Commons sponsored
entirely by Andrews Liverthorpe.

This will greatly speed up the passing
of amendments.

Parliament will be dissolved every four
hours in a glass of water.

Office conditions throughout Whitehall
will be vastly improved.

It's estimated that six out of every ten
civil servants will have their own

polished mahogany desk.

And four out of ten will have a
secretary on top of that.

and by then, of course, will be replaced
by clockwork models, so their

secretaries will each be issued with one
of these keys.

And that just about winds it up.

And if it doesn't, you may need a bigger
key.

Goodbye.

A day at

the races is such an oasis of pleasure
and frolics and fun.

We pick out the fillies in their summer
frillies, parading around in the sun.

We visit the best of the British race
courses, but we don't waste time on

inspecting the horses. There's more fun.

Oh, there's a nice one. The one with her
skirt grown a lot.

She looks for all round, so whatever the
ground, the going is bound to be soft.

I said to her mother once, care to go
flat racing? She said, certainly, your

flat or mine.

I lay six to four. She's been hunting
before. Don't her wiggles and fetlocks

trims. Yes, but don't get too cocky.
She's here with her jockey. I must say I

don't fancy him.

With that nose and that chin, he looks
non -compassmentous. I'm sure she's

that he's just an apprentice.

Ah, too true.

But there's others on view. Number
three's wearing blinkers, I see.

She's here with Lord Melding. I think
he's a gelding. That leaves the field

for me.

I think I'll take along my camera in
case she fancies the photo finish. Oh,

the one in the spot is Miss Caroline
Potts. She's an 18 -year -old and

Been out once before.

Has good teeth. They say she's a
promising ride.

She's parading. My God, she looks
stunning. I saw her at Windsor. She

of running and, by God, goes well for a
lad, though her breeding's not really

top draw.

Out of Mrs. Potts? Right. By her dad?
No, not quite. We all think it's the

bookie next door.

Spent the night with her Auntie Susan,
you know.

Slept, you mean?

Not a wink.

The one in the blinkers, that's old
Henry Tinker's young maiden. She goes

fast. She's quite a nice filly. Until
she gets silly, then always falls flat

the lock.

She just can't hold her back. When she
goes, you can't stop her. A real racing

certainty, she'll come a cropper. Her
name's Pam.

Takes after her dam. Good breeding. It's
all in the blood. I once knew her

mother in somewhere or other by George.
She went well in the mud.

Can I tell you, my wife caught me with a
young filly behind the hedge.

Beecher's broker, as a matter of fact.

Took me to court over it. Really? What
happened? I asked for seven other fences

to be taken into consideration.

Just look at that cutie. A thoroughbred
beauty. She must be the favourite. It's

plain. Her form, it looks great. Just a
bit overweight.

Look, her breastplate is feeling the
strain.

She's too much to carry. I wouldn't say
that, sir. You wouldn't describe her as

one for the flat, sir? I say that. She's
adjusting her straps. And she's hanging

a bit to the right.

Now she's started to cough.

Good Lord, are they off? No, no, but
they will be tonight.

cold outside.

The coldest summer we've had since last
winter.

I saw the gardener in the vegetable
patch.

He was frozen to the marrow.

Took the fire up, Ivan Sanovovich.

I heard a kalinka as I was crossing the
square.

I think it was the brass monkeys on the
town hall gates.

Never mind this door.

We'll keep the cold out.

It's a wonderful door.

Came all the way from Vladivostok.

I know. I carried it myself.

You should be doing the fetching and the
carrying and the logs. I'm so tired.

You are more masculine than me.

That's not what the Olympic selection
committee says.

A bunch of old women. Who gives a shot
for what they think?

Let us have some tea.

You know, Ivan Sinovich, life is like

a cup of tea.

Why, dear?

Why what?

Why you say life is like a cup of tea?
How do I know? What am I, a philosopher?

Where is our daughter, Tanya?

She has gone for a sleigh ride with
Sasha Skrachanich. But the chemist's

The chemist's son from the village.

I don't like him.

He's a nice boy. He's honest, polite.
He's a good match for our daughter.

There's nothing wrong with him. You're
forgetting one thing. He limps.

Only when he walks.

I prefer Dossa Diggadidge.

The council worker?

I think he is a spy.

He asked me what I thought of Red China.

What did you tell him? Well, I thought
maybe on a yellow tablecloth he would be

very pretty.

find my spare pair of socks.

I have put them in the safe place.

Where have you put them? I can't
remember.

No matter, they were dirty anyway.

This tea is good. It's warm, it's
strong, it's brown.

Just like my old socks.

Now I remember where they put them in
the summer.

There we are, look.

You like another cup?

I must go and feed the chickens. And
what about the pigs?

I have no food for the pigs. But the
pigs are hungry too.

I will think of something.

It's still snowing out here. It's very
cold.

We'll shut the door.

We'll freeze to death.

What are you doing?

I said shut the bloody Vostok door.

We're not on the phone.

Sir, did you see the chickens?

Yes, I fed them to the pigs.

But what about the eggs? Pigs don't lay
eggs. Chickens don't lay bacon.

Have you noticed it's stopped snowing?
Yes. The storm has passed over. Yes,

passed over to this side now.

Sir, I think it's time to settle down
for the evening. Such long winter

we have, Ivan Sonovovich.

What shall we do this long winter
evening?

The same as we do every long winter
evening, my little mamushka.

Call me Moosh.

Come, let's say goodnight to our little
children.

Goodnight, Vanya.

Goodnight, Anya. Goodnight, Andre.

Goodnight, Lubin. Goodnight, Leon.

Goodnight, Solent.

George Ringo.

Good night, Andrew. Good night, Lloyd.
Good night, Weber.

Good night, Freeman.

Good night, Hardy. Good night, Willis.
Good night, Ken.

Good night, Livingstone.

Good night, Janet. Good night, Street.

Good night, Porter.

There's no night, Porter. Oh, I keep my
own shoes.

Thank you very much and welcome.

to Ronnie Corbett's world of comedy.

I know, it's a small world, isn't it?

No, cynics may scoff, but I am actually,
to be honest, held in very high esteem

within this company. I mean, here at the
BBC, I'm rather sort of placed on a

pedestal.

So they can see where the voice is
coming from, I suppose.

But that's really the wonderful thing
about working for the BBC.

You get this feeling...

you know, of status.

They give you the total respect with
which they treat your work.

You get this deep feeling of reverence
and respect for what you're trying to

do. And that indefinable sort of sense
of warmth and courtesy, the deep

veneration, which, let's be honest, they
don't give a monkey's.

So much for status.

You think I've got problems. That was
the controller of BBC One.

Here it is.

Here it is. A very funny joke by the
Scotsman.

And by the way, a little wave to my own
relatives up in Scotland, because all

this folk in Gillan up there, because
we've just had another sad death in the

family, I'm afraid.

I don't know why I'm waving, but anyway,
just my great -uncle Hamish, who was 35

years a local bus driver.

At his funeral, we had to wait 47
minutes for the coffin.

Then three came at once.

It was in a very remote area.

The local branch of Express Dairies was
a cow and a skateboard.

I remember them all very vividly. My
young cousin, Gloria, who went to London

search of a sugar daddy, came back with
a jelly baby.

There were two jokes there, I didn't
realise.

My old grandad, he was a local coal
miner.

And as he got older, he could only stay
underground for very short periods of

time. They eventually had to lure him
down the pit on a yo -yo.

In those days, they were so militant,
they wouldn't pick their noses without a

productivity bonus per patient.

In his early days, he had been a very
famous explorer in India.

Out of a party of 20 people, he was the
only one who managed to get over the

rapids.

I blame all the curry myself, but
anyway.

Now, back to this joke.

Back to the joke which my agent picked
up for me while he was in Bournemouth

watching the Crankies.

Now, why he was at the Liberal Party
conference, I don't know.

He is actually a very remarkable man, my
agent. Very careful with money.

As a child, he taught his piggy bank to
sit up and beg.

In his younger days, he used to manage
the Dagenham Girl Pipers.

Now he can only manage three or four of
them.

See?

See, it was worth waiting for. Now, I
must tell you, yesterday, I was out in

garden, ascending the north face of the
rockery.

I'll be honest, our front...

Our front lawn has not been much to look
at lately, since five of our garden

gnomes took early retirement.

My wife had just finished unloading 25
sheets of glass from the back of the

She said to me, don't you think it's
time we found a window cleaner who makes

house calls?

Takes a little while, that one, doesn't
it?

Now, I know why she was a bit upset.

It was that two -week holiday in
America.

Didn't agree with her at all. She was
moody and miserable the entire

Next time I'll have to take her with me,
I suppose.

The reason I went to America, I'll be
frank, the reason I went to America, I

actually taking part in the finals of
the Mr. Universe contest.

I know that is hard to believe.

It's very hard to believe, because I'm
not what is generally thought. You know,

I was an American beefcake. Or a
Scottish shortcake.

This was actually the Little Mr Universe
contest, sponsored by the magazine

Munchkins Only.

I digress.

Now, and back to the joke I was going to
tell you, which concerns a little

Scottish chap who goes on a train to
Falkirk to stay with some relations, you

know. for Hogmanay.

And he's determined to have a good time.
He's just splashed out in a reel of

cotton to sew last year's crackers
together.

And he's all ready to celebrate in
style. So at 10 .30, he boards a

She complains to the guard and he's
thrown off.

I see the sort you're after. Anyway, no.

No, he didn't do anything of the sort.
No, he's travelling along in the train,

minding his own business, when at this
moment the door slides open and in comes

the guard and demands that he see the
Scotsman's ticket, which he duly

Just a minute, the guard says. Just a
minute. He says, the ticket's out of

Out in date, exclaims the Scotch chap.
Out in date.

What are you talking about? He says,
I've been talking to Steve Farley for

ticket and it's only been used once.

I said, have I had it specially this
morning? He says, good as new, I tell

The guard says, come on, come on, you
can't travel on this train without a

ticket. Cough up the money.

Well, at the mention of the word money,
the Scotsman comes all over Fane. He

says, OK, he says, you can't do this to
me. He says, I'm not at all well. He

says, I've got this terrible, terrible
pain. He says, oh, it's absolutely

terrible, terrible, this pain.

Well, the guard is... just unimpressed
by this pathetic piece of acting.

I'm not too impressed with it myself.

And he immediately snatches up the
Scotsman's suitcase and he opens the

and he says, now look here, he says, you
tight -fisted old scrooge, either you

pay up now or I'm throwing the suitcase
of yours straight out the window. And

the Scotsman says, oh, he says, my God,
he says, that's a typical Sassenach

trick. First of all, you try and rob me
of all my money. Now you want to kill my

only son.

I wish I had enough money to buy an
elephant.

What do you want an elephant for, then?

I don't. I just want the money.

What is the largest known diamond?

The ace, isn't it?

No, diamond.

Jewelry, isn't it? Oh, yeah.

Koh -in -oh.

Koh -in -what?

Koh -in -oh.

Oh. Of course, you might know it'd be
Jewish.

It's Indian.

Oh, yeah?

Nice to own that, wouldn't it?

Well, you'd have to be Rockefeller to
own that, wouldn't you, eh?

You know, if I was as rich as
Rockefeller, I'd be richer than

Oh, is that it?

I'd do a bit of window cleaning on the
side.

to present ourselves are me. And it is
him.

My name is John Dean.

And his name is Jim.

Same cords and same pants. Now that
isn't by chance.

And before we go on with the show, there
is one thing that you ought to know.

We're alike as two peas from different
sized pods.

We differ in similar ways.

He plays to the gallery. I play to the
gods.

I get the cat. And he gets the phrase,
ah, Milan, he's bitter.

He's joking, I'm cheese.

And even though never at odds,

we're like different apples from
different -sized trees or two peas from

different -sized pods.

We're alike as two peas from different
-sized pods.

We differ in similar ways.

He plays to the gallery.

I play to the gods. I get the cackle.

You've done this, my reading act. I
can't remember how it goes. Yes, you can

remember it.

It's the first letter of every word that
I say spells out the object. Now, for

instance, if I've got a comb, I say,
come on, my boy.

C -O -M -B, see? Comb.

You think you can handle this? Well,
have I ever let you down? Yes, you did,

when we did that memory manor. Don't
remember that. It was yesterday.

First letter of each word that counts,
right? I know, I know.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, in an amazing
display of thought transference, my

partner, Mr. Jim Lockstock, will attempt
to identify various ordinary objects

while completely blindfolded. Thank you
very much, my partner, Mr. Jim

Lockstock. Now, sir, what about you,
sir?

Something, anything at random. Give me
something that you have in your

possession, sir. Thank you very much
indeed.

That will do fine.

Now, witness his incredible telepathy,
everyone.

His...

Natural, kinetic, intuitive energy.

Oh, it's coming now.

White honky.

Well, he can't spell now.

Try again. Nearly right, sir. Try once
more, please.

White with four corners.

Tablecloth. Smaller.

Hunky. Absolutely correct.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Now, an
object at random from the table.

Now, be accurate now. Answer nice and
slowly.

Um... Bandanas.

They're yellow and they come in bunches.

Japanese tourists.

of something long and thin and fruity.

It's not that Chief Stewart again.

There are seven letters that start with
B and rhyme with piranhas. Banana!

How did we do?

It's a miracle, ladies and gentlemen.
Mr. Jim Lockhart.

Yeah?

They do nicely.

Oh, why, Honky?

I haven't been so embarrassed since we
did that hypnotist act at the Downing

Street Christmas party. You put Sir
Geoffrey Howe into a trance.

That was ten years ago. I know. And
sooner or later, someone's going to

Shall

we

finish this cruise?

We're going to get ourselves a brand
new... Routine, there we are. A thousand

quid should buy us some decent material
when we get back to London. Here, where

did that come from? I've saved it,
haven't I? I've just saved it.

Saved a little bit every job while
you've been blowing yours on that

wheel.

Well, my lad, that is our future
careers. So hands off it, right?

Now, come on, we've got an hour before
we're on again.

I'm going for a jar, come here. No, not
tonight, no.

I'm a bit short.

I've practised this sescapology routine.

OK, leave yourself.

I'll see you later. Yeah, all right.

I thought you were brilliant on that
stage tonight.

Oh, not very much.

It takes real courage to stand up there
with an act as terrible as that.

I thought you were marvellous. Oh, thank
you.

Oh, look, your little friend has popped
out.

Oh,

yeah, I know where he's going. He's off
to the casino.

I thought he didn't have any money.

It's so noisy in here, isn't it?

Why don't we go back to...

That is a key.

I'm 38D.

Can you remember that? Oh, I'll never
forget a fact.

You carry on. I'll join you in a second.

Nice work, dear.

Got the stone?

Voila.

Are you sure this is the only way we can
smuggle it off the boat?

Nobody's going to suspect those two
plonkheads are carrying around a stolen

diamond. Just plant it inside Porky's
jacket lining and then stitch it up.

We'll get it back later when we're
ashore.

Then we'll stitch them up.

That's nice.

You're terrific.

I've never seen such an animal.

I call it my sausage dog.

Would you like to see my dog build
platypus?

Oh. Don't take a minute.

Oh, I can't wait.

Oh, dear.

I'll, um, I'll just hang up your jacket.

I used to do a whole act like this, you
know, with balloons.

I once made a full -size model of Dolly
Parton entirely from balloons.

Oh, yeah?

Trouble is, two of them went off bang.
It finished up as Boy George.

I've been ordered by my superiors to
search for a ship.

We're looking for the moon of Bangalore.
Moon of Bangalore.

One of the most valuable diamonds in the
world, Captain. Really?

We have reason to believe that the
thieves were on this yacht.

I'm afraid my officers will have to
search every one.

Very well.

What have you done with it?

What? I've just been back to the cabin.
The money's gone.

You've blown it all on that flaming
wheel, haven't you? You're wittering,

wittering. I can explain everything.

I'll swing for you. I'll tell you. I'll
swing.

What's that?

Where did that come from?

That's the moon.

Bangalore, that is.

The moon of Bangalore? What's that, some
kind of open -air brothel or what?

Merchandise, that is. The police are
looking for that, just had them say so.

They're searching everyone on the boat.

with a little something in my cabin
tonight.

This is my lucky day.

It's only a trifle. It may be a trifle
to you, sir, but it's all the world to

me.

I'd just like that one brought to my
cabin tonight, all right? My pleasure,

They all say that.

Oh, hey, there's another one of them.

Oh!

I don't like policemen.

This calls for a change of plan.

Neville? Yes, Captain?

We've got to get that stone back before
the law do.

Come in.

Tribal, sir. Ordered for this carriage.

Oh, very kind. Thank you.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Don't mess me about, Paddy.

Neville here can turn very ugly when he
wants to. Pretty ugly now.

What a joke, Neville. I hit it in the
trifle, honest.

Get it.

Oh,

God.

or wherever you've been, you're
absolutely dreadful.

Oh, dear, I swear there was something in
that trifle. Just brought the whole lot

up over the side.

Sweet, sir.

Don't start that again.

Unordered.

That's my trifle. They're ever so
popular tonight.

Your colleague ordered one himself
earlier on.

He did?

I love you.

Ladies and gentlemen, they've been great
sports. They've given us great laughs.

Give them a round of applause, please.

Excuse me, sir. This had to be you, was
it? And is that your wristwatch, madam?

And excuse me, sir, is this your
cigarette case?

And your necklace, madam. There we are.
And your bracelet. There we are. And, of

course, your wristwatch again, madam.
Thank you very much.

And is that your bra?

And, sir, are these your braces?

And tell me, madam, is this your
diamond?

Gatlin, he's found the diamond for us.
You great, painless, boneheaded fuck!

We're alike as two peas from different
sized pods. We differ in similar ways.

He plays to the gallery.

I get the cuckold.

And he gets the praise. He's mild and
I'm bitter.

He's chalk and I'm cheese.

Uneven but never at all.

We're alike as two apples from different
size trees. Or two peas from different

size pods.

We're pepper, we're mustard.

We're rhubarb and custard.

We're two peas from different...

Well, that seems to be just about all we
have time for, doesn't it, Ron? Yes,

indeed it does. But before we go, a few
late items of news. Due to a mix -up in

a spare parts operation today, the
patient emerged half man, half woman,

half comprehensive school math teacher.

There was a great welcome today for the
Brighton man who has just returned from

a sponsored walk to the Arctic.

He sat down for three days at the North
Pole and has come back with some very

well -developed Polaroids.

And there's a novel twist in the plot of
the new British Western, premiered in

the West End tonight, starring Larry
Grayson, Russell Grant and Kenneth

Williams. Nobody gets the girl.

Tommy Boggs, the man who tonight scored
England's first goal for eight games,

will not be available for next week's
match against Hungary. He's out of the

game for three weeks with multiple love
bites.

And finally... A divorce was granted
today to comedian Stan Waggis on the

grounds that his wife kept asking him to
participate in an unnatural act. She

wanted him to team up with Hinge and
Brackett.

In the next week's programme, we'll be
meeting notorious shoplifter Fingers

Pushkin, who last week stole a very
heavy safe and bankruptured himself.

We shall also be looking at where the
stars go for their holidays.

We'll see Victoria Principal in the
Windward Islands because she's into

windsurfing. Dolly Parton in the Swiss
Alps, because she's into mountaineering.

And Joan Collins in the Virgin Islands.

Because she's into nostalgia.

Until then, it's goodnight from me. And
it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.