All language subtitles for The Two Ronnies s06e01.eng

Good evening. It's good to be back with
you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is.

And in a packed programme tonight, we
shall be meeting the runcorn woman who

married a gasboard fitter and complains
that on her wedding night, three of them

turned up.

One to estimate the job, one to do it,
and one to pick up the bits in the

morning.

Then I'll be talking to a tinsley man
who got into the headlines yesterday

he sat on a lathe and gave himself a
nasty turn.

But first, the news.

After three years of hard work, Irish
intelligence experts today cracked

Britain's highway code.

At the indoor horticultural show today,
first place in the all -comers

posy class was taken by Mr. T .A. Rose
with two bunches of pansies.

The second place was taken by two
pansies with a bunch of roses.

And trouble at Dartmoor Prison today
when a bomb destroyed the toilet block.

Local residents have complained that
since then at least 20 inmates have been

seen going over the wall.

French wine growers fear that this
year's vintage may be entirely spoiled

the great tread of sit -in.

But now, a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie
Corbett.

who recently gained a degree in
mathematics from the Open University and

looking out for a job as a pocket
calculator.

Hello?

Anybody there?

Ah, good morning.

I'm sorry, I meant... Oh, sorry, sorry,
sorry.

I meant to...

I meant to... Good morning, Miss

Prendergast. You're early.

Ah, good morning.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Good morning, sir. Good morning.

Could I have two pounds of potatoes,
please?

No, no, no, sir. This is an optician,
sir.

What? Opticians. Look, it says so over
the door. Oh, sorry.

It doesn't matter, because I was coming
in here anyway, because I've got it down

on my list.

Greengrocer's an optician, you see?

Oh, I see, yes.

It was the wife's idea, actually. Oh,
yes. Do sit down, will you? Thank you

much.

You're new here, aren't you? Yes, I've
been here about six months, yes.

Yes, I thought I hadn't seen you before.

Yes, the other lady left to get married.

But you're not a lady, are you?

No, no, no, no. I just took her job, you
see.

Would you care for a cup of tea? I just
made one. That's very nice, yes.

Now, tell me, what seems to be the
trouble?

Well, I've just got the feeling that my
sight isn't quite what it used to be,

you see.

Yes, yes, yes.

Whatever makes you think that.

I started bumping into people at the
office, you know. People I work with.

really? Yes. What sort of people? Well,
the people I share the office with, you

see. I kept bumping into them and
realised I hadn't seen them properly for

long time. Oh, dear.

Do you take sugar? No, no sugar for me.

Right, there we are, then.

You have that. Do sit down, and we'll
see if we can work something out for

Thank you. Thank you very much.

It can be rather inconvenient, you know,
spectacles, and I don't know, do you

wear them at all?

Well, I must confess, yes, I do wear
them, yes, but only for reading and for

seeing things, you know.

Yes, well, I was passing by, so I
thought I'd just sort of pop in, you

Yes, yes.

Well, you obviously need something a lot
stronger.

Yes, I do. Thank you very much.

Well, I'll tell you what we'll do. Yes.
We'll just have a look at some eye

charts, shall we? Yes. And we'll test
your eyes. Right, yes.

Is there a

dog in here?

No, no, no, that was me. I was just
scratching myself.

Right, now then, let's start.

Before we start, would you take off your
glasses, please? Yes.

Are they off?

Yes. Oh, good. Yes, well, let's start.

Start here from the top, would you,
reading? Right.

I'm sorry, could you wave your arms
about? I've lost my sense of direction a

bit.

I'm over here. Oh, yes, sorry. That's
it.

That's completely stumped me, that
chart. I'm sorry.

Don't worry. We've got plenty more. Try
the one on the back.

A.

I say try the one on the back. No, A.

Oh, A. No, no, not A. B.

No, C. D.

No, E.

E. Very good, yes, E.

Try the next line, would you?

No, sorry. Don't worry, I'll give you a
clue.

What do you see with?

Your eye. Eye. Eye.

And what do you do with your eye?

See? See.

Try the next line on your own.

I'm sorry, is there a next line?

No,

probably not, probably not.

You know, I'm sorry, I have to say this.
I almost didn't see any of that last

chapter. Don't worry, it's just a
question of trial and error.

Don't worry about it.

Now then, let's have a look.

What about that?

Eh? And I didn't help at all with that
one.

No, I don't. No, I've got... I... No,
that's the hat stand.

H... No, you're reading all the
furniture.

See if you can grab the end of this long
pole. Yes, I've got it. Have you got

it? Yes. Thank goodness for that.

I'm just going to get the test frames
now. We'll try a few less. Right.

Yes, here we go.

Right. Right, here we are.

Now, we just... Just put these on.

All right.

That's it. Are they all right? Yes.

Good. Now then.

First of all, we have to black that one
out, you see? Yes, yes. Now, let's have

a look one at each other. Uh -huh.

Tell me, is that better or worse?

That is worse. Oh.

Well, let's see now.

What about that?

How's that?

That's fractionally better.

What about if I do that? No, that's
worse.

All right, that's it. Well, that is your
prescription. Then I'll just... All we

need now is to find out what sort of
frames you would like. Yes.

Off you go. Follow me. Right.

I... Sorry.

Now, let's see what sort of frames we've
got here.

Now, here we are.

Try this nice red pair on. There we are.

Let me have those.

Thank you.

Try those. Have a look at those. There
you are. Look in the hand mirror. See

what you think.

I think this makes me look a little old.

Oh, yes, it does, doesn't it? Oh, wait a
minute, this is not a mirror. This is a

photograph of an old lady. Oh, they're
no good at all. Have you any others at

all? Well, there's these.

What about these?

These are... Oh, wonderful!

I can see everything as clearly as I...
Oh, they're mine, they're mine. No, no,

these are yours. There.

Are you sure? Yes, you... Good gracious!

things become clear to me. Wonderful.

Isn't that lovely? I trust you just send
me on the bill? Certainly not. I

wouldn't dream of such a thing. No, no,
no. I mean, you've helped me just as

much as I've helped you.

Last

year

I spoke to you appealing for help for
those who, like myself, have trouble

worms.

They can't pronounce their worms
correctly.

Now, I am the secretary for the Loyal
Society for the Relief of Sufferers from

Pismonunciation.

Now, the reason I am once more squeaking
to you tonight is that many people last

time couldn't understand what I was
spraying.

So I am back again on your little queens
to strain it and make it all queer for

you.

It's a terrible thong to be ting -tied.

It's even worse when your weirds get all
mucked up and come out in wakase that

you dick -knock what you're thugging
again.

Like I did just then, only crutch much
nurse.

Now, it can be cured by careful draining
at special draining stools, which the

society has fed up all over the Twittish
Isles.

And for the really dicky -felt cases, we
have a three -week bash course on the

Isle of Fright.

The doctors can get to grips with the
patients, and the nurses can get to

with the doctors, and everyone has a
dolly good climate.

Except the patients, of course, who find
it dudley dell. A dudley deal. Dilly

doll.

Or, in other words, bitefully flooring.

People have tried to cure themselves.
They stand in front of their bod room

mirror and say, every day, in every way,
I get bitter and butter.

But it doesn't cure them. You can bot
your wife.

And most of them usually do.

The disease is spreading. It affects
people from all walks of life.

Members of the swivel service, lawyers,
silly sodders.

Commercial dribblers, cock keepers and
whackery furkers.

Especially on the nightshirt.

And, of course, famous piddly -titions
like Widdly Hamilton.

Not forgetting Peanog Owl.

Stars of Screege and Stain like Black
Migraine, Frantic Howard and Peculiar

Clark.

And, of course, rude old Nuria for the
Barry Dangler.

How can you help? Well, for a tart, it's
no good... It's no good simply trying

to correct people when they suffer from
this complaining distress.

My wife does it to me all the time.

Lucky old you, I hear you swear.

No, no, I mean she corrects me when I
get any ring thong, and it makes me

and ingrate.

Last time I backed her up the kick side.

We need money.

Your money.

You may row ashore that it will be put
to the best possible use by myself and

large and loyal stiff.

Send your chocks or pistol orders today.

Smash open your baggy pink.

Dip your hand into your wife's bags and
send us a few cod hoppers.

Why not simply slip a pond newt into an
envelope?

Send your donations to me, Popter
Poggesmish.

My new address, 51 Doobly Road, Kiddling
Dorset.

I'll just repeat that, Dr Smidger Posh,
Wifty Fun Doobly Road, Kiddling Dorset.

Thank you for glistening. Good night and
a crappy Christmas to you.

The tourist season in London.

Excited foreigners pour in from all over
the globe, lured by London's glamour,

its unrivaled pageant of history, and
its shady night spots, where anything

might happen and hardly ever does.

But this particular season has its own
special grisly extra attraction.

Murder.

A dead yokel.

One of a long line of dead yokels.

whose bodies had been appearing with
increasing frequency throughout the

Police were mystified. At Scotland Yard,
they were twiddling their thumbs and

fidgeting with their feet. And a few
miles away, in Neasden, Charlie Farley,

important half of that well -known two
-man team, waited for the other one -and

-a -half, Iggy Malone, to return.

My search was completely fruitless.

All the greengrocers are shut.

Never mind greengrocers, read this.

Never mind, never mind greengrocers.
I've got to get fresh fruit if I'm going

stay on this diet.

It's the only thing I fancy.

Well, read that. That'll make your mouth
water.

Well, what is it?

Real front page stuff. That's what it
is.

Where? It's a real inside story, this
is.

Well, make your mind up. Is it on the
front page or inside?

Next page.

You will notice there, side by side, two
almost identical features.

Yeah. Nice, isn't it?

Not page three, page two.

Two stories. Both murders, both young
men, both in London, both with their

trousers tied with string.

What are they trying to hide?

I don't know.

What would you be trying to hide if you
tied your trousers up with string?

My point in a nutshell.

Well, there you are.

Both men were identically dressed, and
the railway tickets and the possessions

in the pockets proved that they both
come from the same village in Devon.

Drake's Bottom.

Drake's what?

Exactly.

Funny name, isn't it?

Sounds like a polite way of describing a
haircut.

Is that really a village? Well, I've
looked it up in the railway guide. The

train leaves 8 .30 in the morning.

Train? You're not suggesting we get on a
train to Devon, are you? Well, I'm not

going all the way on a tandem.

And you wait in my butterfly equipment
bouncing around.

No, I mean, are you suggesting we take
the case?

Certainly. This village obviously holds
a secret.

These two men were murdered because they
were about to spill the beans.

It's exciting.

All right, all right.

But I shall travel as Mickey Dunn, the
famous crime novelist.

What will you wear?

What I'm wearing now?

Well, what's the point of changing your
name?

Look, who you are has nothing to do with
the clothes you wear nowadays, is it,

eh? I mean, some of them writers are
very scruffy, you know. Oh, I think

be all right.

Of course, you, you will have to travel
as Algy, my schoolboy nephew.

Ah, why's that?

Oh, fair, isn't it?

room for two in here?

Oh, I think so.

We're both small ones, aren't we?

No, I mean two more.

Me and my uncle.

He's a big one.

Oh, I see.

And yes, I'm going to the restaurant car
in a minute anyway.

Oh, fine.

It's all right in here, Uncle Mickey.

There's only one person in here. It's a
very old lady. She won't be with us for

very much longer.

Oh, yeah, I see what you mean.

Oh!

You all right? Yeah.

One of your balls is rolling out the
door, look.

Take the net out, that's it.

There we are.

I don't know why you brought this at
all.

Could you go and just sit over there,
please? You're making the place a bit

untidy.

Sorry, sorry.

I think I'll go to the restaurant and
call now.

Oh, I wouldn't want you to go before
your time.

to the restaurant car now.

We already just got that.

Lucky the barrier was still open. Yeah.

The trouble is I didn't have time to get
any tickets.

Still, it's all money saved, isn't it,
mate?

Look at that cow.

It's all right for you saying that, but
of course I'm in double trouble, aren't

I? How do you mean?

Well, not only am I trying to travel
half fare, but I'm trying to avoid

that as well.

So if the inspector catches me for not
paying half fare, then he can catch me

again for trying to pay half fare,
instead of the full fare, as opposed to

who are only paying full fare.

Well, that sounds fair.

Well, half fare, anyway.

There's another one.

What? So what are we going to do, then?
I mean, he'll be here soon. He's in the

next carriage.

Tell you what, I'll disappear, and you
tell him that your uncle, Mr Mickey

has got the ticket fee.

The name might impress him. Perhaps he's
read my book.

Oh, don't forget to use your little
schoolboy voice, though. Otherwise the

disguise means nothing, doesn't it?

What are you going to do?

I'll lock myself in the loo.

Great heavens!

Tickets, please.

My uncle, Mickey Dunn, has got my
ticket, sir.

And where is he?

He's popped out for a moment, sir.

OK.

You're not going to make a catapult, are
you?

Oh, no, sir, it's just I've got a
terrible cold.

And I'm going to Devon for the conker
season, sir.

And what is your uncle's name?

Mickey Dunn, sir. Well -known crime
writer, sir.

Okay. Hey, are you done?

Not yet, no.

I dodged him.

Look at these, Chief.

Our two heroes stood amazed,
dumbfounded. What was the significance

grisly clues?

Was it murder on the Exeter Express?

What was up at Drake's Bottom?

Find out next week in the second
exciting episode of Stop.

You're killing me.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Nolan sisters.

I think I'll have a pint of, um... What,
light? No. Brown? No.

Marge? No. Bitter? Bitter. Have a pint
of bitter. A pint of bitter. Yeah.

Well, how are you doing, eh? All right.
Marge and Grumble.

Marge and Grumble.

Just been at the, um... Up club? No.
What, the donk's one? No.

Fish shop? No.

Only I've been having a bit of trouble
with my, um... Chest?

No. Ears?

Waterworks?

No, wife.

Oh, wife.

No.

Only she's got it in her head that I'm a
little bit, I'm, um... Uh, what,

annoyed with her? No, no, no.

What, a drunk?

No, um... What?

No, uh... No, a bit under the weather.
Oh, I see.

The doctor's examined me thoroughly,
says nothing to worry about at all.

So it's all right. Yeah.

Got me to drop my... Oh, yeah.

Had a good look at my... Go on.

He told me there was nothing to worry
about at all. He said, on the contrary,

said I was very... First class? No.

Fascinated? No.

Not friendly? No.

Fit, fit, very fit.

You know, very fit for a man of... 90.

No, no.

It's nice to know, really. Yeah, yeah.

Of course, I only went up there on
the... On the bus? No.

On the off chance. On the off chance.

You been up there lately?

No, I haven't. No, no. We changed it up
there now.

Oh, dear, yeah. He's got this marvellous
great big new... Rolls Royce? No.

Receptionist? Receptionist, yeah.

Marvellous great big new set. Oh, she's
got it all... All up here? No.

You know, I just stood there in a... In
a queue?

No.

What, in a vest? No.

In a draught? No.

In amazement. Oh, amazement.

But I could compare a belt up there now,
you know.

So now all this sexy quality business,
you know, none of them cubicles anymore.

You know, all the fellas had to take off
their shirts and they stood against

that wall over there. And all the ladies
took off their dresses and sat in...

Sat in blouses? No.

You're not sat in panties? No, no.

Rose, sat in Rose.

Oh, sat in Rose.

Rose up there now, that young, um, that
young Julie.

Julie? Yeah, you know, her mother's got
them two big, um... Teeth? No.

Bay windows? What?

Alsatians. Oh, Alsatians.

She keeps taking them on the common and
they keep biting people in the, um... In

the leg? What,

in the front entrance? No, no, no.

In the evenings. Oh, in the evenings.

Yeah. Julie.

Yeah, you know her, don't you? What was
she doing up there? Well, she was...

Well, apparently she went with this
young fella one evening and they fell in

duck pond and now she's... Pregnant? No.

Stagnant? No.

Pregnant? Pregnant. No, no, no. Now
she's off work with a cut foot.

Yeah,

doctor said she was very lucky with that
duck. I mean, it could have been a lot

worse. It could have been a septic...
Septic tank, yeah.

Septic toenail. Oh.

Shoes up there and... Yeah. Well, I'd
better get going off here.

Are you off? Yeah.

Thought I might go home tonight and give
the wife... Evening off from the

washing up.

Yeah. Bought a stout and a fish supper.

A night she'd never forget.

There's an idea, though.

Thanks for the suggestions. I might give
her all three.

Thank you very much, studio audience.
Thank you very much. You're lovely,

are lovely.

Here we are. We were just saying
backstage there, aren't they a fantastic

audience? And what have we done to
deserve them?

And who's going to tell them the coach
is gone?

No, it hasn't.

I just said that, you know, to sort of
bring the atmosphere down a bit.

Now, if you're too happy, you know, the
people at home will think they're

missing something.

And except for the orgy scene, you know,
and the topless wire walkers, they've

seen everything.

Anyway, it's good to be back here and
back in the old chair, even though it's,

you know, it's getting a little bit
uncomfortable.

I did actually phone the controller of
the BBC and ask if I could have my chair

stuffed. And an unfortunate phrase, I
suppose. And it's not my fault that he

doesn't like the show.

I may to tell you a very funny story
about a chap who goes out to shoot a

By the way, in case there are any animal
lovers looking in, you know, or anyone

else for that matter, I must tell you
that he doesn't actually shoot the bear.

It's a perfectly harmless little story.

When it was told to the queen, she
laughed.

And so did Albert.

There is this chap.

There's this chap in America.

And all his life, he's wanted to shoot a
bear in the Rockies.

Now, why should... Do

you mind if I say that again and see if
I can see the funny side of it?

Why he should want to do a thing like
that, I don't know.

Personally, myself, I couldn't kill a
fly. I tried it once and it got the

of me.

So this chap gets himself a gun, and off
he goes to hunt bears in the majestic

grandeur of the Rocky Mountains. A
bonus.

If you don't like the joke, you can
admire the scenery.

You see now, don't you, that these jokes
are specially stolen, sorry, selected,

for their utmost entertainment value. I
mean, I could have told you any old bear

joke, such as the one where the baby
polar bear said to his mother, Mother!

All right, we're done.

We can't all be Percy Edwards here.

Mother, he said.

Mother, he said. Am I really a polar
bear?

To which she replies, of course you're a
polar bear. What else?

Suddenly we've got a Jewish polar bear
there.

I don't know how that crept in, I'm
sure.

I haven't done a bar mitzvah for a
month.

A bit later he says, are you absolutely
sure I'm a polar bear?

She says, what are you trying to do,
break your mother's heart?

There I go again.

I should never have had lunch with my
agent, you know.

Well, I'm Scottish and she's Jewish, you
know.

Such an embarrassing scene about the
bill.

In the end, the waiter paid it.

So the mother bear said, the mother bear
said, what makes you think you're not a

polar bear?

He said, because I'm bloody freezing.

I'm sorry, a naughty word. I'm sorry
about that. It slipped out.

I'll bet there'll be a few letters about
that.

But I don't mind, to be honest. I've had
so little fan mail lately.

I think our letterbox has healed up.

You know, at one time, I used to think
that perhaps all my fan letters were

going to the wrong address, to be
honest.

I even started learning Hindustani, you
know, so that I could have a chat with

our postman about it.

But I only got as far as the pen of my
aunt is up the Kaiba and I gave up.

I'm sorry to burden you with my
troubles, you know, but if you switch

the other channel, you'll only pick up
in one of the middle of one of those,

know, underwater films, you know, with
the crew of the Calypso searching the

reef for the giant groper, you know.

Anyway, if it's giant gropers you want,
you know, we've got a seven -foot scene

shifter back here who's frightened more
chorus girls than old Jack Custer that

has frog legs.

But I digress. Back to the story. This
chap sets out to shoot a bear.

And when he gets near the mountains, he
meets an old prospector. You know, he

says, hey, four eyes, he said.

He said, where's all them bears? Come
on, you tell me where all them bears

or I'll chuck your hat in the puddle.

Yet another voice.

Well, a gift like mine, who needs
talent, I'll tell you.

Jewish gestures and an American voice.
And the old man said, all right, he

All right, slightly different American
accent. He said, all right, he said, you

go up there in that mountain tonight and
you'll find a big cavern. You stand

inside the entrance into that cavern and
you shout, woo, woo, until you hear an

answering call. Then you get your gun
ready.

You get your gun ready and you get it.

So anyway, the hunter went up. I'm
getting carried away. Once I find the

I like to talk it into all the time.

So the hunter went up to the mountain,
and he stood at the entrance of this

cavern, shouting, woo -woo, and suddenly
heard, woo -woo, back.

And he got his gun all ready to shoot,
and he was knocked down by a train.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, as this is our very first visit to
this country, I would like to say that

it's wonderful to be with you all once
again.

Is it not? Is it not, John?

Oh, sure, Celsius.

We've got some brand new songs for you,
too. In fact, they're so new, I haven't

heard them ourselves yet.

We sincerely hope you're going to enjoy
them anyway, so here we go, then. Four,

five.

It was on a Monday morning in the middle
of the night. I dreamt that I had woken

up. It gave me such a fright.

I thought I got insomnia. It nearly made
me weep. But luckily, when I woke up, I

found I was asleep.

Thinking I'll have a drink with you.
Yes, I'll have a beer. But if I catch

with the wife, I'll dunk you in beer.

It was on a Tuesday morning, and the
woman I was with, she said that she was

thirsty, and she asked me for a quid.
Oh, I could drink the river dry, says

I do declare, says I, the river's got a
bank, so borrow a quid from there.

Singing, I'll have a drink with you,
I'll have a gin, but if I catch you

about, I'll bash you right in.

It was on a Friday morning and it really
was a trial.

The wife, she craved affection, but I
couldn't raise a smile.

Me get up and go has got up and went,
but I don't care no more.

When I think the places me get up and go
has got up and been before.

Singing, I'll have a drink with you,
I'll have a stout. But if I catch you

your wife, I'll bash your brains right
out.

Thank you. Now, before we carry on, I
would like to introduce both of the trio

to you.

First of all, my name is Pete Cutter,
and I'm a Pete Cutter.

And these two here is called the
Boggers, on account of they both work in

bog, cutting the feet.

Now, this here is Sean, and he is the
champion Bogger of the South West.

Ah, he's a marvellous little Bogger.

He has learned to clog dance in the bog,
haven't you, Sean? Oh, indeed, yes, I

sure have.

He spends his whole day dancing in the
bog, and that's not easy, is it, Sean?

Oh, no, it's not.

Because you get your feet very, very wet
in the bog when you're dancing, don't

you? Oh, you do indeed, very wet, yes.
Especially if somebody pulls the chain.

Now,

in his next number, Sean is going to
give us an example of his dancing. Now,

usually play the bones during this
number.

But I've got a terrible headache this
evening, so I'm going to play two sticks

of rhubarb instead.

Here we go now, and the song is called
Thump Thump. Thank you.

I love the girl. I take him behind the
chair.

I don't know what to say to them because
I'm simple in the head.

But I've got a little trick. The place
is there I found.

I just lift up me left leg and dump it
on the ground.

So if you're with your lady and you
don't know what to do, just remember

little voice that I am giving you.

If she's 18 or 80, you please her or
you'll be bound. You just lift up your

and your thumb beats on the ground.

I met a girl in Liverpool.

I thought that I would try to give her a
quick relax.

as she was passing by.

I heard once. I heard twice.

She stopped and gave a smile.

We're married now, and so I can...
Hurrah!

Come on now, we're going to do a bit of
a dance now.

Ah, the old shillelagh is now.

Finally, here's a little sad song with a
moral. Its title is, It Pays to Listen.

And that's what it's called and all.

Here's a corner of old Ireland that is
all the world to me. And I visit it as

often as I can.

And all I have to do is catch a bus from
North West 3 to Camden Town to see me

Uncle Dan.

He's an ugly man, his uncle.

With a face like a carb uncle.

I'll tell you why, says he, it will
break your hearts.

The fact is, I must mention that I
didn't pay attention when the angels

-handing round the parts.

When the angels gave out praise, I
thought that they said trains, and I

mine as I usually do.

When they handed out the eyes, I thought
that they said toys, and I asked for

one of brown and one of blue.

When they passed out the chins, I
thought that they said gins, and I

double one for me.

When they gave out the noses, I thought
that they said roses, and I chose a

great big red one, as you see.

Oh, what a mess I'm in.

Oh, what a mess I'm in.

If only I had listened to the angels
when they spoke, I'd not be in the mess

that I am in.

When the angels gave out hair, I thought
they said fresh air, and so I asked for

plenty up me nose.

When they gave out the bellies, I
thought that they said jellies, so a

pink and wobbly one I chose.

I thought that they said beer, so I
ordered mine with handles on instead.

When they gave out the next, I thought
that they said sex, and now I'm old I

can't hold up my head.

Oh, what a mess I'm in.

Oh, what a mess I'm in.

If only I had listened to them angels
when they spoke, I'd not be in the mess

that I am in.

I had to listen to them angels when they
spoke.

I did not be in the mess that I am in.

Now here is the late news.

Arriving in London tonight was the
somewhat confused Japanese pilot who

December the 12th takes a sentimental
journey and bombs Pearl Bailey.

And the Family Planning Association's
weekend course for reluctant women has

been cancelled.

They've all got headaches.

Also cancelled due to the lack of
support are the Agoraphobia Society's

Day, the deeply

introspective person's Open Day,

and Eunuch's Ladies' Night.

Last -minute fashion news. French
designer Pierre Matelot has designed a

with three cups.

Fashion experts say it has a two -to
-one chance of catching on.

Whilst the nationwide survey of British
women's underwear preferences reveals

that the most favoured garment is pants
enhanced, stays in haze, knickers and

twickers, and in rock hole, nothing much
to speak of.

Next week we shall be meeting the
world's greatest inverted snob. He

his head so he can look up his nose at
people.

And I'll be telling you of my
experiences when I was a guest.

at an all -nude wedding ceremony.

And I came within an inch of being the
best man.

But until then, it's goodnight from me.
And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.

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