All language subtitles for The Two Ronnies s05e08

Good evening. It's nice to be with you
again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And

in a packed programme tonight, we shall
be talking by long -distance phone to a

Scotsman who found an Australian penny
and emigrated.

Then we'll have three contrasting pieces
of choral music, sacred songs from St

Martin in the Fields, rather less sacred
songs from St Christopher in the Woods,

and some positively revolting songs from
St Vitus in the Long Grass behind the

glue factory.

Our special guest is a very shy lady
impressionist. Her petula clock is

extremely good and her cilla black is
fantastic, but no one can touch her

But first, the news.

The health service stated today that
they are getting so behind hand that for

the pregnancy testing service there is
now a ten -month waiting list.

It was announced today in Dublin that
the Irish Doomsday Book is in fact a

forgery.

This was the conclusion after a six
-month study of it by typewriting

In Hatfield today, the prototype of a
mammoth 50 -foot -high food mixer went

completely out of control. The entire
company has gone into liquidation.

And we've just heard sensational news
from Whipsnade. The male panda, who's

developed a passion for music, has mated
with the head keeper's harmonium.

Experts say this may create a
pandemonium.

Now a sketch in which I play the
schoolboy expelled for smoking, and I

boy who set him on fire.

Excuse me, didn't I see you at the
festival hall last week?

Um, no, I don't think so. Oh, you're not
Corsetti, the cellist?

Oh, no, no, I'm not. Oh, I do beg your
pardon.

I'm sure I've seen you somewhere last
week.

Um, he... Could it have been the garden?

Sorry? The garden at the weekend?

Yes, I was in the garden at the weekend.
It was lovely.

Really lovely. Yes, wasn't it
magnificent? Yes, um, which performance

at?

I'm sorry?

Which performance did you see at Covent
Garden? Oh, sorry, Covent Garden.

Yes. Oh, sorry.

No, I wasn't at Covent Garden last
weekend.

Oh, you weren't there last weekend. No,
no. I think it must have been the

weekend before.

Oh, that was magnificent too, wasn't it?
Oh, truly.

I thought Catercino was in superb form.
Oh, yes.

What a magnificent... What a
magnificent, you know, piece of

form he showed.

The chorus of harlots was absolute...
Oh, quite.

Yes, yes.

And when Gutenheimer sang, Oh,

yes.

Oh, yes.

No, wait a minute. That wasn't last
week, was it?

Wasn't it? No, no, that was the week
before.

Of course it was. It was the week
before. Yes, silly of me.

Well, how could I have thought it was
that week? No, quite.

What was it that week?

Um... You said you were there that week.

It was... Strauss? Strauss? Strauss!

That's awfully good. Strauss, yes. Yes,
Gellivetti is far too lyrical, isn't it?

But I must remember that Strauss,
Gellivetti, yes.

Talking of Gellivetti, do you know
Cornwall at all?

Yes, sir, I must be honest. Yes, we went
there for our holidays this year.

St Ives for a fortnight. It was awfully
nice. We had a little...

Brian Cornwall, the novelist.

Oh, I must recommend his fascinating
article

in this month's edition of Brain.

Oh. On the mock Middle Byzantine facades
that they're sticking on to poor old

Doncaster Library.

In Brain? I must make a note of that.
Yes, and also a fascinating series of

articles on Tilakut in there somewhere.

What do you think of Reading?

The novelist.

Novelist? No, I don't know a novelist
called Reading. No, I don't know a

novelist. I'm sorry.

The plane.

No, the new system for dating
crustaceans.

What do you think of it, really?

Well, I... What do you think of it?
Well, I don't know. It's awfully... It's

awfully, awfully difficult, isn't it? It
is awfully difficult. I think it's

awfully difficult. You see, on the one
hand, you've got Zuckerman.

And on the other hand, you've got...
What's his name? You have got... Yes.

What is his name?

What is his name? His name is... Don't
tell me.

It's... It's Bennett, isn't it?

Do you read at all?

Oh, I read an awful lot. You know,
coming up on the train every morning

Maidstone. Maidstone? Yes. I come from
Maidstone. Really?

Well... Well, well, well, well.

Well, this has been one of the most
stimulating conversations I've had for

time. It's so seldom one meets anyone
with whom one's got anything in common.

Maid's love.

How wonderful.

Catechini comes from maid's love.

Good evening, and welcome to the day
after tomorrow's world.

Tonight we show you something smooth,
streamlined, functional and fast.

But that's enough about me.

I'm standing here in the kitchen of the
future. The kitchen that's got every

labour -saving device you can think of,
apart from the Liberal Party.

Let us look around, shall we? First of
all, here is the special eye -level

grill.

Designed by Ronnie Corbett.

And then in this one multi -unit, there
is a mixer, the oven, and the washing

machine all in one. Well, how does it
work? Well, supposing, you see,

supposing... Supposing I want some
crumpet at tea time.

Well, supposing I do.

What I do after five o 'clock is my own
business.

Now, what about a cake for my birthday?
Now, I shall need some cake mix.

Now, over here, you see we have cake.
There, that's the shortcake.

And, of course, that's a very long cake.

We'll take the shortcake, I think.

We put it in there.

Add the eggs.

And the milk.

Icing sugar.

And, of course, 21 candles.

There we are. Now, we mix for only a few
seconds and simply pop it into the oven

like this.

But remember, of course, that this oven
and mixer is also the washing machine

and I'm doing some laundry for the
weatherman in the next studio at the

time.

Now, what do we get when we turn the
dial? Oh, well, we get a small electric

shock.

We'll ignore that for the moment. Now,
let's just check the time on our digital

clock here.

Well, either it's two o 'clock or
they're still on strike.

This exciting innovation I have here is
the new kitchen cup.

There it is.

Right, now we simply put the grass in
here, like this.

And the milk comes out here.

Now this, of course, entirely replaces
the milkman.

Unless you're the woman at number 44
with the bow front.

Now then, what about...

What about the food of the future? Now,
for a start, it's going to be bigger.

Now, let me demonstrate. We scientists,
we have found that the old vegetables

were too small, far too small. For
instance, what can I do with this

Thank you very much, madam. But
seriously, I tried carrots as

bought my wife this 18 -carat ring.

Now, here, on the contrary, here is a
single section from the giant super

of the future.

Now, there it is.

Now, if you ate all that side, you could
see Muhammad Ali in a dark room with

your eyes shut.

Even if he wasn't there.

On this side, you see, there's Matt
Monroe singing, I'm in the mood for

Of course, it doesn't end there. Here is
the new BBC radish.

Here we are.

With 13 guaranteed repeats on BBC Two.

Thank you. Here is the shredded wheat
for the woman with two men in her life.

Here's one for the woman with 20 men in
her life.

Ladies with larger appetites than that
should see their doctor.

He'll probably give them one of these.

the mouse trap of the future.

Here it is. It consists of a piece of
cheese, a Jimmy Young record, and a

The mouse smells the cheese, he comes
out of his hole, play the Jimmy Young

record. When the poor little son puts
his paws over his ears, you creep up

behind him, hit him with the brick.

And here we have, ah, here we have the
new egg -laying machine, the kitchen egg

-laying one. What makes it light up, you
ask? Simple.

Inside is a battery head.

Simple. You take one of these pellets.
Now, in this pellet, there is enough

concentrated hen food for six months. I
put it in there, load it in the special

gun, and by means of this aperture in
here, I shoot the pellet straight into

mouth. That's it.

Ah,

there's another hole on this end.

until the eggs come out cracked.

Well, now, before I leave you, it's just
time to remove our cake from the oven

and also to see how the weatherman's
laundry is getting on.

Now, here we are.

Ah, yes, there we are.

There it is. A very nice cake in a wool
rayon mixture with a zip front. There we

are.

And, of course, here we have a fine set
of beautifully iced underpants. There we

are. Now, the weatherman should be very
pleased with these.

When his wife blows out the candles
tonight, there'll be a cold front and a

following wind.

London, 1899. The threat continued.

The Phantom was still at large, wreaking
havoc in society circles with his

shocking attack on people in high
places.

Inspector Corner of the Yard, terrified
that the Phantom would attack Her

Majesty Queen Victoria, agreed to a
midnight assignation in the graveyard.

At midnight.

Only to be attacked from behind by a
half -praised monster.

And so the chase was on.

For month after month, the inspector
tirelessly pursued his man to the far

corners of the earth, defying death a
thousand times.

Phantom fled.

leaving chaos and destruction in his
wake.

Finally, in despair, Inspector Corner of
the Yard returned to dear old England,

just in time for Queen Victoria's
procession through the streets on New

Eve to celebrate the dawning of a brand
new century.

Worn out, exhausted, his nerves
shattered, and his energy completely

away, the inspector accepted a cup of
tea from the faithful Sergeant Bowles

soon felt much better.

arrange for us, Bowles?

I do my best, sir.

What a pretty procession.

Awfully nice idea to do it completely in
black and white.

Would you like a flag to wave, sir? Oh,
thank you.

Inspector Bloy of the Crystal Palace
Division. They've cornered the Phantom.

Where, sir? In the sewers at Bullseye
Crescent.

I shall go ahead. You follow with six
good men and the equipment.

Very good, sir. And hurry!

The possession is heading that way.

Now look here, naughty phantom raspberry
blower of old London town.

We know you're down there.

Give yourself up now.

Otherwise, I'll play back your own
devilish recording with the new electric

police horn.

Do you hear me?

He can hear you, sir.

Place the equipment.

You will count up to ten. You will never
take me alive.

I'd rather my weapon was turned upon
myself.

We will not bargain with you, sir. Come
out.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

century dawn and London at last freed
itself of the dreaded phantom raspberry

blower.

Never again would law -abiding citizens
be subjected to terrifying attacks from

the rear.

People could return to their innocent
pleasures, safe in the knowledge that

and order had been restored.

Throughout the land.

England. Could once more.

Live in peace.

The phantom.

Was dead.

Or was he?

Ladies and gentlemen, Barbara Dixon.

If you had a plan On what to do when
you're a

man You could be lucky In giving
yourself a good time

At this point, we have to announce that
after further objections about West

Indian bouncers, we've cancelled
tonight's demonstration by the Trinidad

go -go dancers.

And we were to have had Jimmy Savile
with us.

but we've just heard that his suit has
been disallowed by the Noise Abatement

Society.

But here is the late news. The longest
ever swearing in of a witness ended in

the High Court this afternoon after six
and a half days, when the witness, Bert

Osby, instead of holding the Bible and
reading out the card, held the card and

read out the Bible.

And news, news has just come in from
Magalumbu, the primitive Pacific island,

where a man has been condemned to death
for cannibalism.

This morning, the day of the execution,
the condemned man rose, got dressed,

cleaned his teeth, and ate a hearty
water.

There was chaos at King's Cross today
when a consignment of 93 tortoises from

Indonesia escaped from a guard's van and
made off along the platform.

When asked how they managed to get clear
away from the station, a British rail

spokesman said, we tried to stop them,
but they were just too fast for our

portals.

This will make you laugh.

It's actually about the owner of a
holiday camp who is driving along one

she's driving along one day, and he sees
a rather poor -looking old lady, a

rather poor -looking old man, sitting on
a bench, you know, by the seaside.

And, by the way, I don't want you to
think, I don't want you to think that

going to try to get a laugh out of
somebody, you know, just because they're

poor, you know.

Oh, no, because, believe it or not, you
know, I have known what it's like to be

short.

So don't be alarmed. I'm not going to do
what most comedians would do at this

point, you know, go off into contrived
routine about my life and hard times,

know, that sort of thing, don't you?

You know, a tramp came to the door and
said, any old clothes? And my mother

said, yes, please, you know.

You know, we were so poor, my brother
was made in Hong Kong, you know.

Although, to be serious for just a
little while longer, this story...

that I'm going to tell does rather take
me back a bit because it is the first

joke that my old dad ever told to me
when I was five years old.

That's more than, you know, 20 years
ago.

Easily. So if you don't like the joke,
perhaps you can applaud the feat of

memory involved.

Not now.

Not now.

Wait until you've heard the joke. Now,
where was I? Oh, yes. Actually, I

remember I was five. I remember because
I was five.

because it was my fifth birthday, and
my... Well, I'm very quick like that. On

the wavelength. And my parents had just
given me an old bra and told me it

was a double -barrel catapult.

Very valuable experience, because
nowadays I can spot a loaded platex a

away.

Actually, I shouldn't criticise...

parents because they were going through
rather a sticky patch at the time. My

father had lost all his money in his
latest venture, you know.

London's first drive -in do -it
-yourself sheep dip.

Then he tried selling broken light bulbs
to people who had no electricity.

And even now he hasn't had a job since
he was a deck chair attendant in

of Arabia.

Very, very hard times. He was too proud,
you see, to beg in the street, you

know. So he used to beg indoors.

had to cook with was two candles under
an old fire bucket.

And every night, no, every night, every
night she used to cook a meal for 17 of

us.

There were actually only three of us in
the family, but she loved entertaining.

And, you know, I shall never, I shall
never forget that Christmas Eve when

crept into my little room in his Santa
Claus outfit and stole my socks.

I must be fair, I don't want to get my
parents a bad name and didn't actually

steal them, you know. He reclaimed them.

It was something to do with the fact
that I'd fallen behind on the repayments

from when they sold me my first pram.

Which, incidentally, I still pay them
five shillings a week.

Well, it may sound ridiculous, five
shillings a week for 40 years, but you

how it is. When you're only one year
old, you'll sign anything.

Even then, it wasn't really a pram. It
was a trolley stolen from a supermarket.

A change of wheels, a quick re -spray.

There I am at the age of one, riding
around town in a hot basket.

Now, I've remembered the joke, which
concerns the elderly.

An elderly lady and gentleman, you see,
who were, as I say, resting.

on one of those benches on the front of
the seaside, you know, when a big car

pulled up and the chap in the car said,
he said, excuse me, but I am the owner

of the St.

Typhoid's Bay Holiday Company.

Don't start laughing whenever I just try
and do a funny voice.

He said, I am the owner of the St.

Typhoid's Bay Holiday Company.

I think he was from Arbroath as well, as
well.

He said, I'd be honoured, he said.

If you two would come and spend a free
holiday, an absolutely free few days, I

was going to say, but a free holiday for
you.

Come and spend a free holiday with us as
our millionth visitor, you see. Well,

the old lady immediately suspected it
was a trick by white slave traders, you

know, to abduct her and sell her into a
life of sin and debauchery.

So she ran across and jumped into the
car.

there, you see.

So he took them back to his holiday camp
and installed them in a nice double

chalet with the best view in the camp,
you know, facing the gate.

And he left them there, you see.

The next day he saw them sitting outside
the chalet and he said to the old lady,

he said, are you enjoying your stay with
us then? She said, well, I'm having a

great time. She said, absolutely lovely
time. She said, I've played bingo. She

said, I've watched the men building the
swimming pool.

And she said, tonight I'm going to the
fancy dress ball as Des O 'Connor.

She said, by the way, can I ask you a
question? She said, who's the little old

man?

The making plays, how sweet the sound,
she

played upon a whistle, to show

you how she jobbed.

And they made us take part in the races.

Oh, I tossed the chamber. And I put the
shot.

And you put it in some damn funny place.

Oh, next to me he was 16, don't read.

And we stood side by side.

out to dry on the line and now it's
gone. I think someone

enticed it with a biscuit or a bone and
I hope in my

heart it has found a decent home. It
never attacked strangers

or chased the next door's cat.

I'll just pay the license fee.

Oh, no, very poor.

drinking whiskey on the rocks.

I was a soldier, a youth soldier, who
wandered far away from Dolder's Green

day. He went by army and joined the
army, the Queens on Highland, four by

He worked in the cookhouse there, with
his knees all bare, cooking kosher

fare, serving a lot of suits to the
hungry troops.

Yiddish soldier, a man so bold and
brave, lies in a hero's grave. Some far

corner of somewhere foreign, at last his
foreigns come for him.

He sailed away for to fight the foe, at
some highland show, up in

Scarpa Flow, a flying haggis in a
cookhouse bro, cause a poor young lad to

fall. But like I told you, a Yiddish
soldier...

Never be forgot wherever soup is hot.
His name will linger on every finger

pickled herrings are passed around.

But nevermore will he serve a lobster
bowl. He has answered now that final

call. There's a brown mutt on the
cookhouse wall where the haggis did it

Now he's up there and he's thrown some
wings and he's throw...

I don't think...

Well, that's all for this week, but here
are two items of late news. At the

Royal Air Show today, Luigi Bregonzi,
the famous drunken Italian airy, was not

permitted to do his celebrated dive
through the sound barrier.

The controller said he could not
endanger the crowd with a high tiddly

Boom, boom.

In a very serious case in the High Court
this afternoon, an 18 -year -old

secretary in the Foreign Office
confessed that she disgraced herself at

embassy reception by entertaining a
Russian spy on the bedroom carpet, the

of Helsinki in the garbage can, a
Chinese attaché in the washbasin, a

officer in the fuel receptacle, and an
African chief in the downstairs toilet.

She had a red under her bed, a fin in
the bin, a chink in the sink, a junker

the bunker, and a Swazi in the car.

Now, the trailer for the BBC's Film of
the Month, to be shown next Thursday.

film that broke all box office records,
the film that everyone is talking about.

From the studios that first dared to
bring to the cinema stories of the

magnitude of Moby Dick, The Old Man and
the Sea, The Poseidon Adventure.

Now comes the supreme, definitive drama
of the Predator Man in his age -old

battle with the D.

Now the spine -chilling horror that has
shocked America comes searing across

your screens.

Before we go, we have just time to
reveal that since the previous series,

us has had a sex change.

But we are not saying which it is.

It's goodbye from me. And it's goodbye
from her. Goodbye.