All language subtitles for The Two Ronnies s05e01

Hello, and it's good to be with you
again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And

a packed programme tonight, a well
-known patriotic gambler will tell us

he's backing Britain.

He's getting 2 ,000 to one against.

And we'll be talking to a breeder who
crossed a dog with a hen and got a

that cocks its own noodle.

And later, a Scottish vicar will be
telling all children to say their

night. because you can send messages at
the cheap rate after six o 'clock.

Then a very lovely physical education
mistress will do a novelty dance covered

only in blackboard chalk, but the
novelty soon wears off.

And in our new series, Medical Hints by
Well -Known Actresses, tonight, your

very own Googie Withers, and what to do
if it does.

Catholic missionaries in Matabeleland
are reporting progress with a tribe of

cannibals. They're not completely cured,
but they are improving.

On Fridays, they eat only fishermen.

And Sir Hartley Chinst, the famous
upholstery expert, who yesterday fell

fabric loom, is said to be almost
completely recovered.

Tremendous results have been achieved by
a team of British scientists.

who made 10 laboratory rats smoke 20
cigarettes a day for a year. For this,

team has been awarded the Nobel Prize,
and the rats have got a colour telly

the coupons.

And now, tomorrow's weather.

The sun will be killing them in
Gillingham.

It'll be choking in Woking, dry in Rye,
and cool in Gould.

And if you live in Lissingdown, take an
umbrella.

But now a sketch which is set in
Frankenstein's castle in which I take

important part of the monster and I make
him put it back.

Good morning. Morning.

Dr. Diaz? Death. Death?

Yes, death. Don't worry, don't worry.
No, it's all right. Old family name.

There have been deaths in Ryslip Gardens
since time immemorial.

Well, my name is Billet. Yes? And I
strayed my way. I thought I'd like to

and register as a patient. Really? As a
patient? Good heavens. I mean, you're a

doctor, so I thought I would register as
a patient. Oh, I see. Well, now, I'll

try and fit you in, Mr. Boddy. Mr.
Billet. Oh, Billet. Oh, I'm awful. Did I

corpse? I'm awful.

Just the slip of the scalpel. Well, I'm
an awfully popular man, you see. I'll

try and fit you in, but a lot of people
are trying to get into my practice. Have

a look at the admissions file here.

Oh. Oh, dear.

Has he been having a nibble?

Well, if he has, he's gone a bit too
far.

I'll file him under M here.

That's it. Now, let's have a look at the
medical card. There must be something

here. Let's have a look. Oh, yes.

Name dropper.

Name dropper.

I'll just make a note of that. Name
dropper.

Have that dropper three times a day in
your ear.

Now then, we've got... Who have we got
here?

Oh, it's old James Tompkins. Yes, you
can have his card. Well, won't he be

needing it? Not anymore, no. Oh, dear.

Why, has he passed away? No. Oh, yes,
absolutely dead as a doornail. Yeah, he

was perfectly all right one minute, you
know. The next minute, crash, bang,

wallop. Oh, dear, what happened to him?
He fell down a laundry chute. Oh. Yeah,

still, we all have to go somehow, don't
we?

Now, then, just tell me a little bit
about yourself while I feed the

will you?

I'm an animal lover, you know.

I've got great healing in my hands.

Yes. Now, tell me, when were you born,
and what do you enjoy, and how often?

Well, this is going to take rather long
time, because, you see... Part of the

problem is that I was born... My father
was a tea planter, and I... I went...

I... I didn't... I went to sleep.

Is he asleep, or, uh... fainted, or
having a thorn?

I think he's drowned, you know.

Well, he won't go. Look, he won't go.
I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll, um...

I'll give him to the cat.

I know that's what he would have wanted.

Come on, Tiddles.

Tiddles. Tiddles, wake up, Tiddles.

Does the cat always sleep on its back
with its legs straight up in the air?

Well, it has done for the past three
weeks, yes.

I'll just file it with the mouse here.

I tell you what, now you're here, I
might as well show you around all this

boring old paperwork. Now, over there
are the medical histories, you see.

Now, here we have the doctor's
certificate.

Uh -huh. And, of course, here we have
the death certificate.

Ah. Hello.

Oh, sorry.

Hello. Death speaking.

Oh, hello, Mrs.

Murgatroyd. Ah, how nice to hear from
you. Yes.

How's your husband?

Oh, dear, I'm sorry to hear that.

Oh, when's the funeral?

Would you like some fudge? No, thank
you.

No, well, I at first thought it was
fudge poisoning, a food poisoning.

But it turned out to be tennis elbow.

Yes. Well, no, it's not usually fatal.
No, it isn't. Well,

I'd love to come along, but I'm afraid
I've got another function on the same

afternoon. Yes, at the same cemetery,
funnily enough. Yes.

Old Mr. Grundy, you know, yes.

In growing toenail.

Yes, well, there were complications, you
see, yes.

Well, he died. That was one of the
complications.

I tell you what, why don't we combine it
and have a sort of do together? I mean,

have a bit of fun. I could dig up a
couple of friends and bring them along.

Oh, well, look, I'm sorry to hear about
your old man.

Second husband, too, wasn't he? What?

Oh, third husband, was he?

Oh, my congratulations. I didn't know
you'd know.

Hello? Oh, she's rung off.

Is that the time? No, that's the
barometer.

Well, in that case, it's high pressure I
was going. No, no, no. Come on.

Thank you, Mr. Billet. Plenty of time to
kill. A few more details.

Are you single or buried?

I'm buried.

Married.

My wife's expecting a baby. I must say.
Oh, your wife. I'm a widower myself.

Yes, I thought you would have been. Yes,
I've been a widower for years.

Cuckoo, dead on time as usual.

It's only 12 .30.

No,

I tell a lie, it's one o 'clock. He
always goes to lunch at one o 'clock.

I'll see you soon, Doctor. Yes, you will
see me soon. That's the broom cupboard.

That's for filing.

What's the matter with that?

What's the matter with everything you
touch? I'm not coming to you, do you

understand? I'll see myself out. No need
to come down.

No, I won't. That's the laundry chute.

Miss Fosdyke, any more patients?

Miss Fosdyke?

Now, many of you here tonight will know
that Cain and Abel and Hampstead Heath

are Cockney rhyming slang.

Cain and Abel means table and Hampstead
Heath means teeth.

We are glad to welcome tonight a large
group of Cockney worshippers to Evensong

and it is to them that I wish to address
my sermon.

I want to tell you a story.

A long time ago, in the days of the
Israelites, there lived a poor man.

He had no trouble and strife.

She had run off with a tea leaf some
years before, and he now lived with his

eldest bricks -and -mortar, Mary.

And being very short of bees and honey,
unable to pay the burden on Trent, he

was tempted to go forth into the Bristol
city and see what he could half -inch.

He would say to Mary, his bricks -and
-mortar, I will take a ball of chalk

the town.

and buy some tobacco for my cherry ripe.

And he would put on his almond rocks and
his dicky dirt, and his rounder houses,

and set off down the frog and toad until
he reached the outskirts of the

Bristol.

And people would stare at him for his
dicky dirt was torn.

His howdy -dos were full of holes.

And his coat was very Westminster Abbey.

He was also somewhat unclean, being too
poor to purchase any cape of good hope.

His bushel and peck was extremely 230.

And people passed by on the other side
to avoid the pen and ink.

He was truly an ugly man. His north and
south drooped. His mince pies were

watery.

And he had a big red, I suppose.

One day, his bricks and mortar gave him
some money, saying, here is a saucepan

lid. Go and buy food.

a loaf of Uncle Fred and a pound of
Standard Ease.

But do not tarry in the town and bring
me back what is left of the money to buy

myself some new underwear.

I need a new pair of early doors.

For my present ones are full of holes
and I am in a continual George Raft.

But instead of returning with the bees
and honey for his bricks and mortars

early doors, he made his way to the
rubber dub for a tumble down the sink

indulged himself freely on the bottle.

And he became very elephant's trunk in
Mozart.

And with the landlord of the rubber dub
called Bird Lime, the man set off back

towards his cat and mouse, reeling about
all over the frog and toad and

drunkenly humming a stewed prune.

And it came to Khyber Pass.

As he staggered along, he saw on the
pavement a small brown Richard III.

And he stared at it, lying there at his
plates of meat.

And he said, oh, small brown Richard
III, how lucky I did not step on you.

And he picked it up.

put it on top of a wall where no one
could step on it.

And a rich four -by -two -ish merchant,
who witnessed the deed, put

his hand into his skyrocket and took out
a Lady Godiva and handed it to the man

saying, I saw you pick up that Richard
III and remove it from the pavement, and

that was a kindly act. Take this Lady
Godiva for your froth and bubble.

The man took it and went on his way.

And the Richard III flew back to its
nest.

When the man arrived home, his daughter
was sitting by the jerrymire on her

favourite Lionel Blair.

She arose angrily and said, Once again
you come home, elephant's trunk and

Mozart. I have spent all the money I
gave you. Now I cannot have my new pair

early doors.

Neither can I have wine as you do.

And the man said, Fear not, here is a
Lady Godiva which I earned by a kindly

act. And the woman was overjoyed and
said, Thank you, Father.

Now I can have my pair of early doors.

Verily, that kindly act has ensured that
I have more than enough to cover my

bottle and glass.

London, 1898.

This story starts on the night of
Tuesday, October the 3rd.

Good evening, sir. May I assist you?

Yes.

Is the Prime Minister in?

He is, sir, but he doesn't see anybody
without an appointment, except Miss

Maureen, body.

In that case, please to give him my
card.

Why has it no name upon it, sir?

Modesty forbids it.

But it has no address either, sir.

I'm never at home.

Is there a message I may give to the
Prime Minister, sir?

Yes.

Tell him this.

Inspector Corner, Scotland Yard, and I'm
Sergeant Bowles.

How do you do? How do you do?

That's quite late.

I wish to interview Mr.

Butler. Butler?

Yes, of course. You can come in now,
Inspector, but you must be quiet.

You must be quiet!

How long will you be?

Just a minute.

Well, but not a minute longer.

Good evening, sir. I am Corner of
Scotland.

Yard.

And I am Sergeant Bolt.

We are hoping you are going to be able
to help us with our inquiry.

That's all for tonight, Inspector.

Very well. I'll come back tomorrow.

I realize I'm pressing you, nurse, but
it must be obvious that I have very

little alternative.

I didn't even notice.

Now, did you see the man's face?

No, no.

It was very dark.

A dark face, I think.

But it wasn't his face.

Then whose face was it?

It was the noise.

The noise. Could you give us a rough
idea of this noise?

Oh, no, I couldn't. No, no. Oh, no, no.

Oh, the disgrace. No, no, no.

You must try.

This noise might be the breakthrough we
are looking for.

Oh, very well.

Now, the screens.

It sounded like... He went... Yes, yes,
yes, yes. He went

what? He went... He went... Oh, my wife,
that is

great. I didn't quite get that, sir.

He said he went...

That ain't just a book.

What's the point of such an attack,
apart from the shot?

It's pointless.

He must be a madman.

I know this sort of criminal well,
those.

Lifetime of frustration.

One desperate act.

After that, nothing.

Do you think he's blown himself out?

Possibly.

I don't think we'll hear from this
attacker again.

We seem to be taking a devil of a long
time to reach the embankment.

I didn't realise this road was so long.

Well, it has to be, sir, otherwise it
wouldn't reach.

What do you mean?

Cabby, are we on the right road?

Don't worry, sir.

Just put yourself in my hands.

I'll look after you.

Sure you will.

British cabby is the salt of the earth.

Inside that dim, handsome cab, the dim,
handsome face of Inspector Corner of the

Yard looked dim and handsome in the dim
light of the handsome cab's dim light.

Was the wind of change about to blow
through the land?

Had he trodden in more than he could
chew?

Little did he realize the world was to
hear more from the Phantom Raspberry

Blower. of Old London Town.

Ladies and gentlemen, Barbara Dixon.

Why'd you see it your way?

Run the risk of knowing that our love
may soon be gone. Oh, we can work it

We can work it out.

Think of what you're saying.

You can get it wrong and still you think
that it's alright.

Think of what I'm saying.

We can work it out.

Why'd you see it your way?

There's a chance that we might...

Now here is the late news.

Mr. Horace Whipsley, the world's most
superstitious motorist, who has a lucky

horseshoe dangling in his rear window, a
sprig of heather on the wipers, a St.

Christopher suspended from the
dashboard, and a rabbit's foot in the

compartment, was today run over by 13
steamrollers.

In the High Court today, a woman gained
a divorce on the grounds that whenever

lightning flashed in the night, her
husband jumped up shouting, I'll buy the

negatives.

And it appears that master criminals in
this country who specialize in smash and

grab have now come up with the answer to
double glazing.

Two bricks.

Later in the show, we'll be talking to
the man who crossed the clock on the

of England with the leaning tower of
Pisa and came up with the time, the

and the inclination.

But now, a sketch featuring Mr. Ronnie
Corbett, who only today was presented

with an illuminated address by his
neighbors. They set his house on fire.

Where's the food, my dear? We seem to
have been waiting an extraordinary

of time. Honestly, this new butler's a
damned erratic.

Wait for hours, then all the food seems
to come at once. He's damned impudent to

boot as well, so that's... Oh, do you
think so, dear? He's always very polite

me. He may be to you, but he's damned
impudent to me, dear.

Your game, milady?

I say, please... Thank you, sir. Will
you hurry along with my roast pork?

That'll do, sir. And make sure it's a
nice fatty piece, will you?

See that? Damn well, ignoring me,
ignoring me.

Don't make such a fuss.

He's very efficient.

Maybe to you, dear. To me, he's damned
impudent.

You're fat, my lord.

See what I mean, dear? I shall have to
sack him.

Steady on.

We've enough fervent trouble as it is.

The handyman about to leave us and the
plumbing's in a terrible state.

Reminds me, dear, I must talk to you
about the lavatories. They've all gone

draw. You're sweet, milady.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

You're nuts, milord.

Cheeky swine. How am I supposed to open
these?

You're crackers, milord.

Ed does it, dear. Start... Shortage or
no staff shortage, he goes.

Well, you know best, dear.

What were you saying about the
lavatories?

They're broken, dear. Up the border. Up
the spout, down the drain.

What? And we've stacked the handyman.

How are we going to manage?

You're pale, milady.

You're potty, milord.

Good evening.

Actually, I don't know why I said that,
because I already said good evening at

the beginning of the show, didn't I?
When we did the funny bits.

But it just slipped out.

I just said it.

Two good evenings.

Well, one for the colour sets and one
for the black and white.

What other show gives you all that?

But enough of this ad -libbing. I expect
by now it'll be panic stations in the

control box.

Red alert.

That's when they wake up the producer.

And put his teeth in.

And he gets very upset if he wakes up
during a show.

Upsets the whole rhythm of his day.

Tears, tantrums, mascara.

Not a pretty sight.

But I'm not worried. I mean, if I get
the sack from here, I can always go to

America. Because let's face it, that's
where it's all happening.

Do you know I was reading a story about
an enormous factory in the USA where

there is only one man working?

I know what you're thinking. You're
thinking we've got enormous factories

where nobody's working.

And don't think I won't get letters
about that.

But this one is different.

This one has got an end product.

It's completely automated to make torch
batteries.

And there's only one employee, an old
rabbi, who stands at the end of the

conveyor belt, and as the batteries go
past, he says, I wish you long life, I

wish you...

No,

actually, I have got a lot of contacts
in America, you know, through my wife's

family, the Dillingers.

Would you believe that her great -great
-grandfather...

That would be on her mother's side, you
know, looking from the front.

He remembers landing in America and he
met some Indians.

He gave them a string of beads and they
gave him half a buffalo, Manhattan

Island, and two tickets for the first
Frank Sinatra farewell concert.

But seriously, it is good to be back in
the old chair again, you know, even

though it is getting a little bit
tattered and torn.

Actually, I sent a note, to be honest,
asking for a new chair.

to the controller of BBC.

He's a bit of a mystery man, you know.

The Howard Hughes of television.

Some say he's been dead since 1946.

And others say he's the port from the
left in the black and white minstrel

I personally only believe half of it.

He is half dead and he's second from the
left.

As you can see, as you can see, I didn't
get a new chair.

All I got was this memo.

Would you believe this?

Fail to understand why you're asking for
a new chair.

Has that Angela Rippon been stirring it
again?

Actually, I did show this to Angela
Rippon, and she simply said what she

everybody, you know, give us a kiss and
I'll buy you a Guinness.

And when I can't get to sleep, I always
tell myself old jokes, you know.

Sort of bore myself to sleep.

And this is the one that did the trick
last night. So it's worth knowing, you

know, as long as you don't become
addicted.

Anyway, here it is. Listen to this. It
concerns a young parlour maid.

It's a rather posh start, isn't it? A
young parlour maid who goes to see her

mistress one day, you see.

And she says, Faith and begorrah, madam,
but I'd be leaving you and going home

at the end of the week and all and all
and all.

Think she was Irish.

You can never tell with me.

Could be from anywhere, anyway.

And her mistress said, but Bridget, you
can't leave us after all these years.

Wherever would we find someone like you,
dear?

So cheerful, hardworking, and cheap.

So the maid said, well, it is like this.
I'm going to have a baby, and who is

going to care for me father, his little
child, the girl, and all, and all, and

all.

I like that bit, and all, and all.

Feels a little comfortable there. Then
the lady of the house, The lady of the

house said, that's simple.

She said, the master and I will adopt
the baby. Your troubles are over.

Now go and get stuck into the ironing.

Or words to that effect. Now a year goes
by and along comes Bridget again.

Madam, she says, I'll be leaving you at
the end of the week because I'm going to

have another baby and all and all and
all and all.

There are one or two dozing off in the
front here already.

There we are.

And her mistress says, oh dear, we shall
have to come to the same arrangement.

As we did with the other one. And this
happens every year until about the tenth

year.

Bridget says, Madam, she says, I am
afraid I've got bad news for you.

I am definitely leaving, and on and on
and on.

And don't ask me if I'm in the family
way, because I'm not.

I found out what was causing it.

And the mistress says, then why are you
leaving? Oh, sorry, I got them mixed up.

The mistress says, then why are you
leaving?

She said, then why are you leaving?

Fantastic difference, isn't it?

She said, then why are you leaving? I
thought you were so happy working for

And Bridget said, so I was, but that was
before you had all those bloody kids.

Thank you.

Thank you.

We have our reservations.

We have our reservations.

We told when we come, do not fall down.

A big, white, medicine man calling on
total power.

We go to a restaurant, quite dear. Here,
Chinaman say in Negrosia. We don't

serve colored people here. Then we have
a reservation.

Then we have a reservation.

A big white bird flew across the sea and
brought us here to the land of the

free. Now the big white bird is living
with me. She's an air hostess from

Houndsville.

I met a painted English maid with a bow
-wow down in Soho.

I paid ten pound and she asked me around
for a bow -wow and some cocoa.

My luck was in that night, but I was
done, I know so.

For the yo -ho -ho was a no, no, no, and
the bow -wow drank my coke.

We blood brothers. We blood brothers.

I swear it. We yell across the prairie
the yell of the blood.

Blood yell.

Blood yell.

I have sworn.

I think so.

Now we tell the story of Hiawatha.
Written by Henry Wadworth Longfellow.

Or in his case, Shortfellow.

Or in your case, Spotfellow.

By the shores of Kitchikumi, far...

across the shining water, lived a mighty
Blackfoot warrior, lived a mighty

warrior chieftain, bold in battle,
strong in valor, by the name of Des O

'Connor.

Nearby stood a modest wigwam, worn and
dirty was its outside, plain and bare,

its shabby inside, no TV or running
water.

Where lived Hiawatha's sweetheart,
daughter to old Minnie Ha -Ha? Laughing

maiden Minnie Cooper.

Tall she was and brown as berries and
her limbs were straight and sturdy.

And her clothing strained and jutted
like a bag of ripe tomatoes.

Muscular and strong was Minnie.

Minnie Cooper splashing water like her
brother Henry Cooper.

She'd splash it on all over.

Laughing Minnie came to England for to
seek her higher water.

Many moons since he had left her. Many
moons since he had kissed her. On the

mountains of the sunrise and in other
pleasant places.

So she journeyed across the water.

Sailed across the shining water.

To the sprawling mighty river.

To the Thames in all its glory.

After Wigwam down at Putney.

In the high street near the court.

Many moons travel.

First to heavens, many suns delight the
water.

Ere her lover Hiawatha found her in the
Putney High Street.

Crouched inside her gleamy, gleamy
teepee. Crouched behind her brand new

She'd become the proud possessor of our
colored 23 years.

Come, oh mini laughing water. Come with
me to Kitchikumi. We'll return across

the ocean.

Not tonight, she said. It's Kojak.

World of sport and upstairs, downstairs.
The survivors and the brothers.

On the buses.

Up the workers.

Horridge. Mash.

And Fanny Craddock.

Now the realms of color, Telly, have
enveloped me forever.

Now I make my monthly payments to the
land of never, never.

Farewell, land of plains and prairies.
Farewell, land of silver birches. So

farewell, my higher water. From now on,
it's higher.

Here now when we speak of an evening
quite unique when the world and his wife

turned up last week at the Redskins
annual dinner.

People just like he or you, red and
white and black and blue. All different

shapes and sizes do what the Redskins
annual do.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

He, Baby Goldstein, treated his squaws
to a small lemonade and four deets.

was left a paddle in the oar, and a heap
good time was had by all.

There were poor leaf -backed feet and
sore knees, flat feet, fleece pipes

burning, bagpipes churning. Now the hose
paddled those, some of these and some

of those, two said, you're on your most
big chief running oars. Many other big

chiefs dressed in fig leaves, some with
small leaves, some with big leaves.

¶¶ ¶¶ ¶¶

¶¶

Let the Redskins manual through.

All eight of one. Let the Redskins
manual through.

Well, that's all for this week.

Next week we shall be talking to a male
ballet dancer who crossed a trot with a

polo mint and got a nutcracker sweet.

And to a hokey -cokey champion who has
just been disqualified for putting it in

when he should have been shaking it.

Until then, it's goodnight from me. And
it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.