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I wish you'd give over that sulking, Sadie.

We did everything for the best.

It was your interest we had at heart.

I shall never love anyone else as long as I live.

He was nothing but a fortune hunter.

He was not, he revered me.

Your income, you mean, he just wanted your money.

Bother my beastly money, I wish I never had a penny.

I wish I didn't have a rag to my back,

then maybe I could get some fun out

of life and not treated be like a convict.

I wished you were like your sister, Laurie.

If I was, I'd drown myself.

She's a good daughter to a fine man.

That's more than you can say, Ms. Saucy.

She's a sloppy frump.

Don't you talk about your sister like that!

She'll make a good wife for some good man one day.

Yes, if he's bedridden so he can't run a mile

when he sees that squint of hers.

That's right, get it all over the ship,

we've got a cock-eyed daughter!

Laurie is not cock-eye!

- I wish it were opening time. - You've only just drunk your lunch.

Don't talk back at your father.

Well, he's always wishing it was opening time.

Serves him right if he has one too many and goes off bang.

I don't know where you get your manners from.

Well, it ain't me, so that only leaves you.

Do shut up, everybody's looking.

Oh, I wish this rotten old ship was at

the bottom of this rotten old ocean.

- Hello, Pat. - Hey, darlin'.

It's a shame every mother's son should be,

workin' a rusty old bum boat like this

that should've been scrapped the day I was born.

I'm going up topside for a breath of fresh air.

Don't forget to be blowin' the ladies a kiss in passing, Pat.

That, I will,

provided there's one shapely enough to deserve it.

- Ooh! - Sorry.

You sound it.

Well, if you didn't leave your big feet sprawled all over

the deck, people wouldn't fall over them in the first place.

You're not exactly what would would call

fairly footed yourself, are you?

My, quite the gentlemen, aren't you?

Well, you were bound to meet one eventually.

- Hey, miss. - What?

- Are your parents on board? - Yes, they certainly are.

Well, throw your mother a bone, will you?

And now shipmates o' mine, the piece de resistance

of the evening, Professor Gibble himself.

Civilization.

You, I, he, she, and it has become over-civilized.

We need to start again.

Imagine a desert island where there are no trains,

no jet planes, no nightclubs, where every prospect pleases.

Where a man is his true, noble, simple self.

How to achieve this perfection?

We must throw off our shackles.

We must go back to the simple life.

We must seek out and find Mother Nature again.

As I was saying.

Welcome back, Mr. Carrol, did you enjoy the lecture?

Yackety, yackety, yack.

He hasn't shut his yap since he came on the boat.

That's modern intellectual society for you, Angus.

That's modern culture.

It gives me a pain in the arteries.

- What's your job, Mr. Carrol? - Journalist.

I suppose you must see the human race

from a lot of funny angles in the newspaper business.

The human race, Angus, are nothing but a bunch

of carnivorous anthropoids,

all wanting something for nothing and killing

- each other to get it. - You've just been fired.

- Yes, how did you guess? - Say, have a wee half on the house.

First kind thought since I came on board.

I say, Angus.

Now then, what are you gonna have?

Any jolly old thing you fancy, just say the word.

- Gin and ginger beer, I think. - One gin and ginger and one rum.

I say, it's jolly warm in here, isn't it?

- Yes, it is a bit really. - Abso-bally-lutely boiling.

I say, you are a smasher you know.

Oh, Mr. Smithers, I'm sure you say that to all the girls.

Oh nonsense, I've never said that to any girl before.

Midshipman's honour.

Oh thanks, thanks Angus. Charge it on my chit, will you?

Well, here's mud in your eyes.

- Tally ho. - Cheers.

I thought perhaps that if you felt the heat,

we might take a jolly old stroll around the decks, don't you know.

It's jolly cool on deck.

It's a terrific night, all those stars winking away like billy-o.

And tonight, as matter of fact, as luck would have it,

you can see the whole of the great bear.

The whole of the great bear what?

Extraordinary fellow.

Some people think they're awfully funny, don't they?

Oh, rise above him, he's beneath your dignity.

Thank you.

- Who is that glad ragdoll? - Ms. Sadie Patch.

Her old man invented the crosspatch bottle opener.

- Millionaire. - She revolts me.

- Oh, woman hater too? - She's no woman.

She's the type I used to meet at Happy Hampstead on bank holiday.

They spread tin tacks on the garden path,

- then lead you out in barefoot. - Aye, I kin the type well.

Cold as a polar bear's footprint.

Which is the great bear?

Great bear?

Oh, well it's a bit hard to tell now.

I think there's some fog coming up.

Still, it means good weather tomorrow.

- Angus, you got a light? - Aye.

I'm gonna smoke myself to death as well.

That's a good way of goin' as any.

What's up now?

Probably started the next flaming war.

That'll be the electrics.

They're so out of date, I'm surprised they didn't all go out

before the first World War.

And next to go will be the plumbing.

Hey there, Mr. Whiticomb.

Where was our commodes when the light went off?

Under the bed looking for their lodger.

You'll be in irons if you sack up on your job.

Just the main fuse blown, that's all.

Stick to your post or I'll skin the hide off the lot of you!

Alright, alright ladies and gentlemen, no cause for alarm.

Just the main fuse gone, we'll have it fixed in a jiffy.

No cause for alarm, just the main fuse gone.

Should be ideal for Mr. Smithers and frozen Flossy, eh?

I hope they've fallen overboard as their one small

contribution to a better world.

Oh, thank goodness, here's Professor Gibble.

What has happened?

Calm yourself, calm yourself.

I am assured that the fuse will be repaired

in a moment or two.

Meanwhile, I will continue talking in the dark.

That'll make a change.

How dare you, you foppy pressed thing you?

Now don't panic, darling, don't panic.

The old tub's only been rammed by a sardine.

Don't take up all the door!

Assemble all passengers at emergency stations!

All hands to emergency stations.

All hands on deck!

Now don't panic, me buccos.

Remember what I told you, thankful it's a long bar.

Oh glory be, will you look at that now.

Five-star brandy.

Come to daddy, you darling thing.

Yee!

This way, quickly.

Help, Mr. Smithers!

Mr. Smithers, help me, I'm over here!

One gentlemen to me, last orders aboard.

Where I go, I don't know.

Party without me!

Help, help!

Oh, help, help!

Please, help!

Give me your hand, quickly.

Help, help!

Help, help!

Help, help!

Don't just sit there, yell for help too.

Help!

I can't, I've got a frog in my throat.

Well, croak then.

Help!

Help! Help!

Render assistance speedily!

Help! Help!

Give us a hand.

Hang on to me, my darlin'.

Oh, I swallowed half the ocean already.

May as well swallow the other half.

Come on, Joe, don't panic now, don't panic.

Hey, mister, give us a hand out here, will ya?

Come on now, come on, big boy.

That's right, that's a fella.

He's all but done.

That's right, me boy, now get up there.

Up, up, up, there we go, me darlin'.

Oh, steady man, steady man, steady.

Are you alright, you alright?

Thank you. That's real nice of ya.

Are you alright?

Oh no.

- Are you a sailor? - No, miss, I'm a stoker.

Well, get us back to the ship at once.

What, and be sucked down with her?

That'll be the foggy Friday.

But you've got to try and get us back.

Tryin' is all it'll be in a boat without oars.

What, no oars?

Oh, calamity.

Even without any oars, somebody's bound to pick us up.

Can you hear anything?

I don't like this, help, help!

We must keep calm.

I'm persuaded we'll be picked up in the morning.

Persuaded of it.

Eh, you're easily persuaded, and that's a fact.

Yeah, this'll warm you up.

Drink hardy, all of ya.

Come on, I've got another in me pants pocket.

I just so happened to reach into the bar in passing.

Always forgetting me manners, I am.

Would you care for a drop yourself now, miss?

'Course they'll pick us up.

They wouldn't dare go away and leave us.

Don't put yourself in a lather now, miss.

I was born in luck, but that was in Bull Inn in Dublin.

Could say I was the luckiest man alive,

the other things you could tell about myself.

- I'm glad somebody was lucky. - Then here's my luck against yours,

and that's luck for both of us.

# In Dublin #

Come on, let's have a song now.

What's the matter with you, come on, sing.

# In Dublin's fair city #

# The girls are so pretty #

# I push a wheelbarrow #

# Through streets wide and narrow #

# Singing cockels and mussels #

# Alive alive #

# Oh #

Not a sign of a ship, not a sign of anything.

We're lost.

How sordid.

He's happy enough, and so he should be

with three bottles of brandy inside him.

Are there any drinks left in the emergency stores?

Yes. A bottle of rum.

Well, hide it before he gets his hooks into that too.

Where shall I put it?

Under the floorboards.

There are only enough supplies for 10 days. What will happen then?

We'll be picked up long before then.

Famous last words.

Hey, top of the morning to you all.

- Sit down you fool. - Have a care.

Gee, what a lovely sight after that perishin' engine room.

Free as a bird, I feel, if a little thirsty.

Would there be a little old bottle of rum in the ship's locker now?

There wouldn't, we looked.

Imagine that, 'tis out of luck, I am indeed,

for a man that was born in luck.

Blimey O'Reilly, me luck's changed!

'Tis land, my dears, oh ho, 'tis land already!

Don't talk such...

- So it is. - We're saved.

Oh, I call it providential. Providential.

It certainly is, Professor Gibble.

We won't have to eat you after all.

My bag, where's my bag?

Everything in my bag's absolutely soaking wet.

I can't even powder my nose.

Aye, you'll need to be primped to the nines

when you step ashore, miss.

- Just in case. - What do you mean just in case?

- Just in case there's people on it. - You mean it might be uninhabited?

'Course there'll be people on it.

Don't talk poppycock.

Sure, what'd we wrong with a nice desert island now?

You mean, just the four of us? I'd sooner drown.

You probably will, we're in for a dunking.

Oh what guff, I can see a perfectly clear beach.

Aye, and what you cannot see is the rocks

stickin' up all around, such of which is called a reef.

That means we lose the boat and all the provisions in her,

so sit back and take a dunking in comfort, my dears.

- Is he still alive? - Sure he is.

Pity.

- My shoe, where's my shoe gone? - Down in the water.

You're alright now, come on now, that's it.

And now let's see what we've saved from the wreckage,

'cause it's all for one and one for all, my dears.

Now that's my contribution, one jackknife.

Now there's a blade for the shaving of our whiskers.

There's a corkscrew for opening the darling little bottles

of rum we haven't got.

And there's a pair of scissors for the cuttin' of our locks.

Now what have you got, Carrol me boy?

Four cigarettes, a box of wet matches,

notebook, and a pencil.

A comb, seven of six, a piece of string, and...

- And what are those? - Indigestion tablets.

The Swiss family Ramsbottom.

We must put these matches away in a dry place,

and our fire must always be lighted.

It'll be our symbol.

It must never be allowed to go out.

Right, we'll detail you to sit and fan it.

I'm only being practical.

If we don't adhere to a rigid system,

there's no knowing what slovenly

habits we might deteriorate into in time.

Well, you should know.

You talk as though we're going to be here forever.

No, no, no, only till we signal a ship.

But meanwhile, we must fashion some sort of rude shelter.

How rude?

Refuse to answer that on the grounds

of incriminating yourself, Professor.

I mean some sort of primitive hut for Ms. Patch.

She is, after all, entitled to privileges

commensurate with her sex.

Well, what's commensurate mean?

If she had a lawyer on this island,

he'd give Gibble six months for that.

Is this to be the level of conversation

I'm to expect on this island?

Well, we can't very well bring it down to your level

with a lady present, can we?

I do wish you'd all shut up

and do some organizing around here.

Now, there's sure to be people on this island.

Go and find them, and something to eat.

If the gentlemen are agreeable to my taking the helm.

Taking the what?

The faculty for leadership sometimes dwells behind

unsuspected exteriors, Mr. Carrol.

- I suggest we explore the island. - No, you explore it.

If you don't come back, we'll know there are

cannibals on it.

Cannibals?

Ah, come along now, and I'll go with ya.

And don't be put down by our friend's talk of cannibals.

You're as safe as houses.

- They're fussy what they eat. - In that case, I'll come to.

And what are you going to do?

I'm going to stay here and get some privacy for once.

Alright, well don't forget to pull down all the blinds.

Well, there's nobody else on the island except us.

- That's certain. - Not a living soul.

Not so much as a blue swung monkey.

Tut, tut.

Ye gods, what a sobering thought.

We're alone on a desert island, three men and one woman.

- It could be worse. - How much worse?

No woman.

Fortunately, we're all gentlemen.

- We are? - Sure, sure.

Our whole salvation depends on our never forgetting it.

Gibble's right, for our own salvation,

hands off Frozen Flossy while we're on this island.

She's as safe as a house as far as I'm concerned.

I wouldn't touch her with a barge pole.

She's safe as far as I'm concerned.

Well, you big baboon?

Whatever you say, old dears.

It's a solemn pact then, if we break it, we're done for.

Here's my hand on it.

- And mine. - And mine.

And devil take the first louse to break his word.

What do you think of that now, miss?

- Will a rain come through? - Only when it rains.

Never a drop.

I leafed the whole caboodle branch by branch,

with Carrol the eternal witness to me vow.

I suppose you want a bedside telephone

and hot and cold running chambermaids.

No, I just want a rest from your sarcastic tongue.

Fair enough, whenever

you're around, I'll keep my trap shut.

Is that a threat or a promise?

- Coming for a swim, Pat? - Why not, indeed?

It's hard work carpentering with a blunt jackknife.

May we use the bathing beach for now, miss?

If her Ladyship doesn't object to us low peasants

polluting her ocean by bathing in it.

Nothing would please me more.

There's always the chance you may drown.

- Pat. - Yes, miss?

I want that blue and white jersey.

Me jersey, it's all I got to me name.

I don't care, I need it more than you do. Give it to me.

Thank you.

Hey, you two!

What's up?

Have you forgotten there's a woman on this island?

Ask a silly question and you'll get a silly answer.

We may be temporarily cut off from civilization,

but there's no reason to flout the conventions.

What's that mean when it's at home?

He thinks we should be wearing sun helmets.

Glory, how could ya.

It's a nasty little mind he has on top of everything else.

If you're thinkin' that Lady Sadie's peepin' at us

from behind the bushes, it's ashamed you should be.

On this walking mallet puntz!

Ah, that's right, Carrol boy, give it back to him.

Give it right back to him.

Shame on you.

You're letting down the side.

Shame on both of you, I say.

Shame on us indeed.

Am I not the grandest figure of a man you ever looked at?

Come on in yourself instead of prancing about there

blathering terror and brimstone.

It's a life of health and good exercise you'll be needing

- to keep your mind off low ideas. - That's unpardonable.

No comprehension of good breeding or decency whatsoever.

Yahoos, absolute yahoos.

- Hello, did you catch any fish? - Yes, yes, two.

- Ms. Patch? - Yes?

I think you've forgotten something.

Forgotten what?

Your dress.

You don't think I'm going to mess up my one and only

decent dress and having nothing to wear

when they take us off, do you?

What's wrong with the way I am? It's perfectly decent and respectable.

Oh, yes, yes of course, absolutely Ms. Patch.

It's only that exposed as we are to such

primitive conditions, Ms. Patch, you must be prepared

against it bringing out the baser nature in men of that stoker's type.

Don't you worry about me, Mr. Gibble.

I can take care of myself,

and you'd all be wise not to forget it.

- Ms. Patch? - Yes?

I would like you to feel that I have your interests

solely at heart and will protect them to my utmost.

You and me both.

If we could only get in that lifeboat locker now.

There a deed of fine things we could use.

I can swim underwater, I'll see what I can do.

There's a brave girl, making poor things of us

who can barely swim a stroke.

That's the 21st notch.

We've been marooned here for three weeks.

- It feels like centuries. - Ah, ah, ah.

We must steel ourselves against pessimism.

We must be prepared to face the fact

that it might be months, even years.

Is he trying to wish it on us, yeah?

Why don't you take a running jump at yourself and miss?

Does it mean nothing to you that we are standing

face to face with nature?

I'm rather partial to the picture of Professor Gibble

face to face with nature,

like two stuffed elephants standing back to back.

I'm being realistic and practical, that's all.

It's our social duty to face facts.

Law should be set up and a civil code.

And a dog's home to be called the Gibble Foundation.

Irony, irony.

Think, man, think, use your brains.

At this moment we may be the only people alive in the world.

For all we know, atomic bombs may have wiped out civilization.

Don't you see what that would make us?

Yes, obsolete.

No, no, the whole responsibility for the preservation

of the human race would rest on us.

There, there would be the new Eve,

and one of us, one of us, the new Adam.

And which one of us is Adam?

Never mind Adam, which one of us is the serpent?

It shifted on its side, I can get at the locker now.

Jolly good.

- Look, I found the rum. - Madame, I take my hat off to you.

What do we do if Pat gets hold of it?

I think we ought to smash the bottle.

Oh, dear heaven, no.

You'll never know when we might perish for want of it.

- I'll take care of it. - It's safe with you, I hope.

Well, if that's all the faith you've got in me,

why don't you give it to Gibble instead?

You were the first one I saw, that's all.

- Well, thank you very much. - Where are you going to hide it?

- In a cave. - A cave?

Yeah, and Gibble doesn't know about it, so don't you tell him.

You swear you won't tell the other two?

I promised, didn't I?

Mind your head.

Do you often come here?

Only when I can't stand the sight of you any longer.

Where do you go when you can't stand the sight of yourself?

I haven't sunk that low yet.

Want to bet on it?

Well, you know, conditions being as abnormal as they are,

perhaps I am going gently barmy without noticing it.

For instance, you're beginning to look almost perfect

in an insipid sort of way.

I wish I could think of something nice to say about you.

Don't try too hard, you might knock yourself out.

Carrol, Jimmy.

Speak to me.

Oh, where did he bury that rum?

Carrol, Jimmy, wake up.

Are you alright?

What were you using, jiu-jitsu?

I didn't touch you, you hit your head on the roof.

I don't think I've long for this world.

What are you trying to do, raise my hopes unduly?

In American pictures, they do this sort of thing

the other way around.

They can get men strong enough to support the weight.

You look wonderful from down here.

How do I look from up there?

- All nose. - Yes.

We're into large noses in our family.

I'm half Anglo-Saxon and half red setter.

Were you one of a litter?

Oh, no.

The vet brought me in a little black basket.

- I wonder why we quarrel so much. - We, you, you mean.

You started it.

You kicked me on the boat.

You tripped me.

Finished?

What was that like?

Ham without mustard.

What do you expect at these prices, Errol Flynn?

I wish it was, he's got a yacht.

Don't do it again.

Galloping grasshoppers, it must be the real thing.

I'm in love with her.

Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party.

There now, that should be givin' off a a blaze

that be seen in County Cork, providing a ship

ever comes close enough to make it worth firin'.

I'm convinced it's only a matter of time.

Aye, glad to get off you'll be, eh?

- Yes, frankly, I will. - You've no bother in you at all.

What do you mean by that?

Sittin' about all day like a bag of burst bran,

and a fine high-stepping girl like Sadie just waiting

to put the come hither McGuinness on ya.

I resent that both on Ms. Patch's part and my own.

Ah, that's bit sparkier!

I'm not saying there's not the making of a man about you somewhere,

providing you can get closer to a wench

than hoping about it behind a rock.

Not that she's not well worth lookin' at, mind ya.

Oh, a squint I've given her myself.

With her pretending there's no one above but the seagulls.

Watch your step, Gibby me darlin'.

A girl with a figure like that would never rest happy

unless someone was lookin' at it.

And the marvel of it is that you're such a dismal

little runt as to be creepin' under a rock

instead of rushin' out at her like a man

with a bit of red blood in him.

I have a strong suspicion that Jimmy's

making better use of his time.

No!

Plunkett, if Carrol breaks his pledge,

you and I must stand together doubly firm.

Whatever you say, old dear.

# She was the only girl in the world #

# And I was the only boy #

- Hello, get the bonfire built? - We did.

Where's Lady Sadie?

I don't know, I haven't seen her all day.

It's high in spirits you are for a change.

Safety, Pat, that's the keyword to islands.

Here I'm free from the insane privilege

of having to earn my living on Earth.

Why, another year and I'll be completely savage.

- I'll be swinging from a tree. - Not by a rope, I trust.

Pat.

Carrol, have you been knitting down the side?

I'm sorry, were you talking to me or chewing a brick?

We made a pact that Sadie would be inviolate

from our attention while we were on this island.

Are you implying that I've broken it?

No, no I merely asked a straightforward question.

Your mind couldn't be any lower if it was standing on your head.

I'm speaking in all our interest.

Well, go and ask her, she'll soon tell you

where to get off, you lopsided billiard ball.

There's no call to be rude.

I only asked a simple question.

You're such a trained liar, you are.

I thought you didn't give the price of a turnip who the lass fancied?

Nor do I, so long as it's not me.

You've a mighty pleased look about you

for a man without the price of a turnip on him.

Well, I can't help what a low fellow like you thinks I look like.

I'm just a helpless child, simple mind,

working his way through college.

Wouldn't you feel more natural working your way through a cheese?

I might, I might.

Carrol shan't have her.

I'll stop him by fair means or foul.

Ms. Patch.

I thought this was my turn for the beach.

Yes, so it is, Ms Patch, but might I have a word

- in private with you? - What, again?

I once offered you my protection.

I've never wavered from that position of sacred trust.

I, may I come and gather coconuts with you?

Why?

I no longer consider it safe for you to go

long distances unaccompanied.

I never do.

No, no, no, Ms. Patch, but you might.

Oh, let me be your protector, I worship and revere you.

You're my ideal woman.

Oh yes, yes you are.

On the ship, I used to gaze at you.

You were so mysterious, so removed.

You're like some wondrous being from some other sphere.

We've met before, I'm assured, in some past existence.

Our meeting was ordained.

Tell me, tell me though I hardly dare to ask it.

Tell me that you care for me a little.

Why not?

Oh, my wonderful girl, my Sadie, my queen.

You only said a little.

Oh yes, yes, what more could I ask?

But I must know one thing, Sadie, Sadie, tell me the truth.

Are you and Carrol?

Is Carrol, are you?

I mean, are you and Carrol?

- Well, you know what I mean. - I most certainly don't.

I must know, I won't be deceived.

You let me kiss your hand, you must love me.

After this, anyone else is impossible, I'd kill him.

- You're mine, all mine. - You're off your chum.

Oh no, I'm not, Ms. Patch.

I worship the ground you walk on.

Ms. Patch, don't leave me, Ms. Patch.

'Tis a sight to melt a heart of stone.

That cheap little double crosser.

I thought you didn't care who the lass fancied?

I don't, but he's broken our pact.

- And you'd never stoop so low. - No lower than you would.

Ah, straight as a Dow, you are.

Well, is it you and me against him, or isn't it?

Whatever you say, old dear.

Oh, don't tell me you've come back at last.

What's the matter with you?

It was my turn to help you wash up.

It was not, you helped last night.

That doesn't count, you helped too.

- It does count. - It doesn't count.

- It does. - It doesn't.

Oh, petulant petulance.

Well, if you two are going to quarrel again,

I'm going to bed, goodnight.

Goodnight, goodnight, parting is such sweet sorrow.

Well, I'll be turning in. You coming, me buccos?

No, I'm going to sleep outside by the fire tonight.

Why?

Because the hut's stuffy and Pat snores.

Well, I think I shall sleep out here by the fire too.

Why?

For the same reason as you.

If I put my head in the fire,

will you put your head in the fire?

It's just as much my fire as it is yours.

If I choose sleep by the fire, it's my affair, isn't it?

Of course it is. Well, sweet dreams to you both.

Well, well, well, of all people.

Did they leave the date open or did you jump over the wall?

Where were you going?

After coconuts, by myself, by myself!

You were going to meet Sadie!

- I was not! - Yes, you were!

I was not, we don't get a chance to meet,

even if we want to, since you got stung

by whatever it was that stung you.

You've knocked all the security we had on this island

into a quartet with your internal, infernal

snoop, snoop, snoop.

You're trying to take Sadie away from me

and keep her yourself!

You've turned her against me.

If you've any claim to Sadie, establish it now!

- Unhand me, I order you to unhand. - Can you lick me, can you lick Pat?

If not, shut up and pack up.

Is there any more to be said, I don't think so.

Now, go to...

Hop it.

Go on, hop it!

Sadie, Sadie, are you in there?

It's me, Carrol.

Detective Inspector Gibble's off duty for once.

I can hardly believe my luck.

- We're alone at last, Sadie. - Don't bother me!

- What's the matter? - I'm sick of the lot of you.

You're not angry with me because of Gibble, are you?

I can't go and knock the tar out of him or I would like a shot.

But that would automatically stake my claim to you

and give Pat an excuse to contest it.

It's all the conniving old banshee's waiting for.

I just want to be left alone, that's all.

All I can say is you're being confoundedly feminine.

What do you expect me to be, masculine?

Alright, I'm being feminine.

I've got a few privileges left on this island, haven't I?

Though you'd hardly think it.

I just don't want to be bothered with any of you.

This awful place, mosquitoes and fleas and fish, fish, fish!

And figs.

And being spied on and bothered all the time.

Go away and leave me alone or I'll bite you!

Leave me alone and go away!

Oh, Sadie, you're magnificent when you're angry.

There's a particularly beautiful sonnet by Wordsworth

that might've been written for you at this moment.

It begins...

Sadie?

Sadie, are you in there?

It's me, Gibble.

Yes, dearest, I'm in here.

Come along in, I've got a lovely surprise for you.

- Forgive me, Gibble, but I must. - Ah, ah, ah.

No, no, no, I mustn't, I mustn't.

I haven't had a belly full.

If I stay here a moment longer, I'll murder you.

So help me, I'll kill you!

I'm going to the other side of the island to live on my own!

On my own.

He's putting me in a straight-jacket.

It ought to be the chamber of horrors.

It's more than flesh and blood can stand.

It breaks my heart.

I don't know whether I'm mad or the rest of the world is.

I dream about him.

I need a good psychiatrist, a good psychiatrist.

He's putting me in a straight-jacket.

- Well, that just leaves you and me. - Fortunately,

- we are both gentlemen. - We are both gentlemen.

That's right, Gibby, me boy.

- Are you going to follow me? - Well, Carrol may be lurking about,

and in his present state of mind-

Pat, do something about him before he drives me off my head too.

That's all I was waiting for.

Now come on out of it before she comes out and kills ya.

No, leave me alone.

- Which is what you deserve. - Get your hand off me.

For stickin' your nose into her private affairs.

Leave me alone.

If the sea doesn't do it, I'll do it.

- Now make yourself scarce. - Ruffian.

If he bothers you again, miss,

I'll put him in the lagoon and leave him there.

I'm sick of them, I'm sick of them all.

Why won't they leave me alone?

Let it go then, Sadie my dear, and ease your heart

if that's your need.

I'll keep them hoodlums from bothering the life out of ya.

I'll never see my home again or my mother and father.

I'll be in this horrible place forever.

Course we won't, we'll all be off this island

before you know it, and when you look back on it,

you'll laugh your head off at the fools

them two fellas made of themselves.

I hope I'll be laughing along with you.

Sure,

'tis only a kid you are, and it's all been too much for you.

Oh no, no.

It is you, you sniveling, snooping, snake in the grass!

What are you doing in my cave?

Carrol, Carrol, I've come to my senses.

Forgive and forget, you must hear me out.

Pat, he's been the snake in the grass all along

and played us off against each other,

and we've been dupes enough to trust him.

After you went last night, he manhandled me

and carried Sadie into our hut.

- And you let him? - How could I stop him?

When she was struggling and calling for help?

No, no, no, that's just the point.

- She wasn't struggling. - She wasn't struggling?

No.

- Not even a little? - Not even a little.

I hate to have to say it, Carrol, but I'm afraid she seemed

to be encouraging him.

- Oh, I might've known this. - So might I.

Gibble, they've made fools of both of us.

- Errant nincompoops. - There's only one thing for it.

We must unite against the crafty old ape.

- Self-preservation compels it. - It's a deal.

- Pro bono publico. - To the death.

What are you going to do?

We must go back and behave as if we suspected nothing.

- We must protect her from herself. - Bravo, Carrol, bravo.

Breakfast is ready.

That's the fourth fishhook Pat's lost.

We can't afford to lose hooks like that.

He's no patience, that's the trouble.

He talks too much, scares the fish away.

I don't know why some people don't learn from his example.

- What do you mean by that? - The fish never get hooked.

It wouldn't break my heart if I never saw another fish again.

I hope I see another man either.

Oh, that's very funny coming from you.

What do you mean by that?

You ask a silly question, you'll get a silly answer.

Ah, to Hades with it.

Ah, to Hades with everlasting fish!

Oh, come come, what about the odd fig?

Put it down or I'll knock the head off ya with it!

I'm about out of me mind with eatin' the pips of them things!

A man has his needs and the Devil takes a lie in it.

Is it reason would have him going around with a head

on him like a washer woman's tub on Monday morning?

And a craving in his belly for a drop of rum

to make him see the point of going on living at all.

Take it easy, Plunkett, lady's present.

Shame and brag sits on old Joe Plunkett

and Mary of Balgownie for puttin' me in this horrible world

to end livin' in it out of sight or sense of

anything worth livin' for!

Oh, sit down and have your breakfast, you big ape.

Will you say that again?

Yes, sit down and have your breakfast, you big ape. Oh!

Am I not in grief this minute?

Not one of you has a heart of kindness in ya.

Pat Plunkett, sit down at once and have your breakfast.

Never!

It's the way I am to tear up a few trees by the roots,

and bad sense to the first man that gets in me way.

I tell you one thing, not any of our lives

is worth a cent as long as that bottle of rum's still on the island.

What rum?

In the cave, it's buried, Sadie rescued it from the wreck.

Merciful providence, that would be dynamite.

We must empty it at once.

What, and let him find the bottle, not likely.

No, Sadie, you have to swim out and drop it beyond the reef.

We'll get it form the cave and meet you at the other beach.

Come on, Gibble.

The bottle, the bottle.

Sadie, we've got the bottle!

Oh, ho!

Look out, there's Pat!

- What's that you got there? - Oh, it's just an old empty bottle.

Give us a look then.

Alright, there you are, catch, Gibble!

Run with it, Gibble!

Catch it, Jimmy!

# Where the girls are so pretty #

# We're steer the wheelbarrow #

# Through streets broad and narrow #

High as a kite.

Heaven protect us.

Oh, mercy, he'll murder us all, hide, Sadie, hide.

Don't be daft, I'm not scared of the silly old goat.

Ha, ha, there's Gibby himself, it is, it is, it is.

The darling little squirt of a little fella.

Come on now then, and let's have a bit of fun

to prove the gut full of rum to ya!

Sing a bit with me now then?

No, no I'm in no voice.

Of course you won't, you've not a heart of kindness in ya at all.

Come back, Gibby, come back, me darlin'.

Leave him alone!

Ah, there's Jimmy boy and Lady Sadie.

Snug as two bugs in a rug, eh?

You're a smart fella, Jimmy, I'll give you that much.

And a lying, conning son of a Beelzebub you are too.

I got that much against ya!

Oh, pull yourself together.

I'll not be flamdoodled by you a moment longer.

Nor you neither.

She's one to pick you up in her whims and drop ya

given half a chance.

Pat Plunkett, go away and keep away

until you've sobered up.

I'm going right now, and you're going with me.

Leave her alone, put her down, you big-

Carrol, make him let me go!

Let me go!

Put her down, you big barmy!

Hold it, you'll settle with me.

Oh, it's the little fellow himself.

Will you hold that now?

Here we are then.

Leave him alone, Pat, stop it, you'll kill him!

Stop it!

Oh, there's somebody in front of me.

Keep away from me, you drunken idiot!

Come on after, Jimmy boy.

That's right, me darlin' fellow. Reach out for it, you'll get there.

No, me bucco.

Oh, don't do that!

Run for it, you idiot, run for it!

That's right, Jimmy me boy,

give it to me right in the face, there's a fella.

For the love of all the lovely.

If anyone had told me that Gibby had it in him

to pack a blow the weight of that,

I'd have laughed in their face, I would.

Where is the darling little fella?

Ah, there he is, come on out of it.

Come on out of it, me bucco.

Come on out of it over here and shake hands on it all civil-like.

Oh, never say I hung that black eye on you.

The pair of us is even on it then.

Sit yourself down, Gibby me darlin' boy.

Sit yourself down.

I can assure you, I had no intention whatsoever

of hitting you so severely.

Of course you had.

It's the red blood in you that's made you do it.

You've a temper in you when roused.

Yes, yes, I feel I have, Pat.

Did I ever tell you 'bout the time

when a queer fella called Ginger Conklin and me

had the horrors together at a port?

And you won't either.

There's been enough time spent sitting around

listening to your boozy talk.

Call yourselves men, you're nothing but a bunch

of stupid kids that can't be trusted.

Well, I've been doing some thinking since last night,

and from now on I'm in charge.

You, you'll take charge of the fishing and the fire,

and stop all your sulks and following people around.

Come on.

As for you, you'll take charge of the fruit

and keeping the bonfire dry.

And as for you, you'll re-thatch the huts

until your idiotic head's better.

Now don't sit there gaping at me, get on and do it

or take the consequences!

It's gonna make poor telly when it gets about

that the three of us had no more bother in us

than to be led around by the nose by the slip of a wench.

- And that's a fact. - And whose fault is that?

Who got drunk and wrecked the place?

- You played us all into her hands. - I liked it.

And what about all that kissing the ring and slap and tickle

behind me back?

My strength is as the strength of 10

because my heart is pure.

It was Gibble who made himself into a doormat

and let her walk all over him.

Pa, talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

Well, if it's all agreed that it's fools

we've been made to look, there's one perfect remedy.

- What? - We down tools.

- Down tools? - Strike.

Strike?

Aye, all formal and above board, you understand?

First we form a union and elect a leader,

and it's not far you'll have to be

looking for the right man for the job.

Then we put our case to it through the official channels,

and if she won't climb down, we call a slowdown.

And if she still won't climb down, we come out on a total strike.

It'll never work.

Ah, you have no bother in ya at all.

Don't be such a defeatist, I'm for Pat.

Fight!

- Is this what you call fishing? - I was just about to.

Is this what you call cutting grass for the hut?

I was just on a point-

Now look here, Sadie, let's get this straight.

- This isn't going to work. - You don't have to tell me that.

None of you can be trusted farther than I can see you.

Well, there's only one solution, and it's no more attractive

to me than it is to anyone else.

There'll never be peace or order on this island

until one of you is officially my

husband in the eyes of the other two.

- Are you on the level? - But none of us is a minister.

We haven't even got a hymn book.

I know the marriage service.

I bet you do.

It's the same as being on board a ship.

- The captain does it. - I'll be captain.

No, no, no, I will.

I'm the only sailor here, I will.

You'll shut up and draw lots for it.

Give me three straws off that silly thing you're wearing.

Choose.

And the best of luck to you.

Congratulations, old pal, and to you, miss.

And may all your troubles be little ones.

Go and cut that grass!

And don't let it go to your head, go and fish.

Oh, yes.

I can't go through with it.

- Hello, shipmate. - Shipmate, is it?

Want me to lend a hand?

No thanks, Gibby boy, I'm all but done.

Pat, I've been thinking things over.

- You have? - It's you that Sadie really loves.

- Get along, will ya? - And you're not a man to trifle

with a woman's love, are you?

I'd have to have notice to that question.

Oh, of course you wouldn't, you're too fine a character.

A rough cut diamond, but a diamond nevertheless.

Your better nature would prevent you

from breaking an innocent girl's heart.

- It would? - Of course, indubitably.

You put it to her squarely.

Say Sadie, I love you, and to make you my wife

would make me the happiest man in the world.

She'd take you like a shot, Pat.

You can take it from me, straight from the horse's mouth.

I can, eh?

Thanks for the tip, Gibby me boy.

Not at all, Pat, I wish you the best of luck.

Go in and win.

What, after what you've been tellin' me?

No thanks, Gibby me darlin'.

She's all yours.

Hello, Carrol, old chap.

Well, well, if it isn't the fatted calf himself.

- Fish biting? - Yes, gullible aren't they?

Carrol, I can't go on living a lie.

What makes you think you have any choice?

It isn't me that Sadie really loves, Carrol.

No, it's you.

No soap, Gibble, you lost the draw, I didn't.

Hoist on my own petard.

- A ship! - A ship, jubilation!

A ship!

Help, help!

Oh, jubilation, we are saved!

- A ship at last, oh, oh! - A ship, Sadie!

Sadie, there's a ship, we're saved!

There's a ship!

- Hello, are you English? - Oh, providential, yes, we are.

You've never been so welcome in all your life.

We've been here for years.

Morgan is my name, mate of the Calla Marcel.

Delighted to know you.

My name's Gibble, Professor Gibble.

- How do you do? - James Carrol, how do you do?

How do you do?

And now isn't it in order for me to be presented to the young lady?

Oh yes, yes, of course, yes.

Yes, Mr. Morgan, Ms. Sadie Patch.

How do you do, this is my lucky day.

How do you do, Ms. Patch?

If I may be so bold, I'd like to say that this is my lucky day too.

How nice of you to say so.

What a terrible time you must've had of it.

And how marvelous you must be to come out of it

looking so fresh and attractive.

I say, isn't it about time you took us out to your schooner?

- Eh? - The schooner.

Oh, yes of course.

May I,

would you allow me to carry you to the boat?

The pleasure would be entirely mine.

Take your last look, me boys.

There's precious little you'll be seeing of her from now on

or I'm a monkey's uncle.

Oh, there you are, come along, sit down.

Well, how's it feel to be back in civilization, eh?

Not bad at all.

Wonderful, wonderful.

On an island, one gets time to appreciate the blessings

of civilization, even if there is a little bad

- along with the good, eh Carrol? - I shall be glad to get back.

How 'bout the romantic side, eh?

Did cupid go ashore with you by any chance?

Oh my goodness me, no, what an idea.

No, we certainly never had any time for anything

so incidental as that, did we Carrol?

I never had any time for it.

No, how 'bout the other fella, the stoker, eh?

He looks a bit of a tough nut.

Did he give you any trouble on the island?

No, no, no, I think we can safely say that discipline

was satisfactorily maintained at all times, eh Carrol?

Fortunately, we were all gentlemen.

Exactly.

Ah, Ms. Patch.

- Come along, have some tea. - Thank you.

Your friends have just been telling me how well

you all behaved on the island.

Have they?

Our strength was as the strength of 10

because our hearts were pure.

Yes, they were, weren't they?

- Your tea, Ms. Patch. - Thank you.

Where do you live?

- Wigan. - Wigan?

Well, now there's a coincidence, so do I.

- Do you? - What part of Wigan?

The pier.

Well, that's exactly where a mate of mine called Thompson lives.

An old trap with a very unusual front veranda.

Amy Thompson, do you know her by any chance?

- Oh yes, I believe I do. - My, what a lot we have in common.

Would you care for a jolly old stroll around

the jolly old deck later on?

Yes, I would.

Excuse me, this is where I came in.

May I use your radio to contact my editor?

I'd love the jolly old paper to scoop the jolly old story.

- Sure, Morgan. - Sir?

Take Mr. Carrol on to the wireless operator.

Certainly, it's my pleasure.

- Excuse me. - Of course.

- Excuse me. - Never.

- This way, Mr. Carrol. - Thank you very much.

Well, I think if you'll excuse me,

I'll just take a check on the bearings and be back.

- Oh, by the way, where's Pat? - Pat?

Yes, yes, the stoker.

Oh, yes, firing the rest of the coal of course.

Where should he be?

- Ms. Patch? - What?

Ms. Patch, I trust our providential rescue won't alter our happy status.

- What status? - The marital status.

You will still marry me, won't you?

I thought you did everything you could

- to wriggle out of it. - Who me?

Oh no, no, no, perish the thought.

I never for a moment, well, for a moment perhaps.

But since we came onboard, I'm seeing you as you really are.

What do you mean as I really am?

Well, seeing you in civilized surroundings,

you don't know how exquisite it makes you.

And what was wrong with me in uncivilized surroundings?

Well, you had no mystery.

- You pompous little humbug. - Who me?

Oh no, have I said something wrong again?

Oh, Ms. Patch, don't leave me.

Sadie.

What?

I'm a liar, I'm mean with money.

I have the moral principles of a wharf rat

that's just helped to drown its mother.

I think you're vulgar, spoiled, mentally backward,

impossible, and too strong for comfort.

I shudder at the thought of being married to you.

We'd fight like cat and dog, and I'd lose.

I can't live without you.

You haven't tried.

But Sadie, I'm asking you to marry me.

I know.

- Well, you're not refusing me? - Yes.

- Why? - Because you're a humbug.

Sadie.

Pat?

- Yes, miss? - Don't call me miss.

No, miss.

What are you going to do when you get to Sydney?

- Sign on, some ship or other. - Do you want to?

I dare say.

Answer me.

No, miss.

Don't call me Miss.

- Do you like me properly dressed? - No, miss.

- Why not? - It don't suit you.

You're the only man I've ever met who isn't a humbug.

And you're like every other girl I ever met,

you can't afford not to be a humbug.

Will you do me a small favour?

- What is it? - Marry me.

- Why? - Because I love you.

- Since when? - I always have done.

You had a funny way of showing it.

So did the others, will you marry me?

No, miss.

I'm Sadie Patch of Patch's Crosspatch Bottle Opener.

I'm worth a fortune.

And I'm Pat Plunkett from Balgownie,

and thinking different ain't gonna make it different.

- Is that final? - It is.

Well, no hard feelings then.

Never a one.

Good.

- Plunkett? - Sir?

The captain wants you at once, follow me.

Aye, aye, sir.

Ah, gentlemen, I sent for you to confirm this.

Now, Ms. Patch, this is the man?

Yes, it is.

- What's all this about? - Silence or I'll cap you in irons.

- In irons, what for? - Yes, what for?

You'll soon find out.

You still of the same opinion, Ms. Patch?

Yes, I am.

Right, you, stand there.

By virtue of the authority vested in me as captain of this vessel-

- Hey, what is all this? - Yes, what's going on?

Are you marrying Ms. Patch to Pat?

It's no more than what she asked me to do.

So for my part, I'm seeing the dog into the brig.

- Ms. Patch, Pat, Sadie? - Oh, I don't believe it.

After that solemn pact we made?

You've taken advantage of our decency.

Me fist will take advantage of your nose

if you don't tell me what I'm supposed to have done

and what all this is about.

Keep a civil tongue in your head.

Yes, keep civil tongue in your head.

Yes, keep a civil tongue in your head.

Would you mind tellin' me, miss, what all this commotion's about?

You know how it is with the world.

People are so uncharitable.

They never give one the benefit of the doubt.

You're the biggest humbug of the lot.

Sorry, I won't allow it.

I won't let this innocent girl throw away

her life on this worthless no-good.

Nor will I.

If he's guilty, I'm as guilty as he is.

- I'll marry her. - You will not!

- No, no, no, I will. - You, how dare you?

I demand that you marry Ms. Patch to me instead of Plunkett.

Ignore him, it's for me to make amends if amends to be made there be.

I can't marry you to all three of them.

I don't want to be married to all three of them.

Then which do you settle for?

- Him. - And I refuse.

Cut the chatter, Plunkett.

If it wasn't for the lady, you'd be in irons.

What the devil's your core made of if it ain't irons?

Are you man enough to do the gentlemanly thing

or do you want to go below in irons?

Before I give in to a low-down double cross like that,

I'll see this ship at the bottom of the ocean.

# In Dublin's fair city #

# Where the girls are so pretty #

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