Original subtitles

Sometimes it takes certain events in your life

to remind you to get your priorities straight.

So, you guys, Jack Briscoe is finally retiring from the paper.

Whoa, so the front page column is up for grabs?

Peej, that'd be awesome!

And he wants to have breakfast with me tomorrow.

At 6:00 a.m. by the way, what is it with old people?

They gotta get up early, make sure their money's still in the bank,

write an angry letter to TV Guide...

Speaking of old people, Marcia's got a birthday coming up,

so I'm gonna throw a little shindig.

What are you doing with him? You could do so much better.

I can't, Kenny. And let's just get this out of the way, I'm gonna be 28.

Finally. Phew!

Wow, you guys really are meant for each other.

You know, Mike was 35 for about six years.

I've been 28 since the Clinton administration.

Aw, honey... Aw.

Party!

No make-out. Party!

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. Party!

Next Saturday, thinking about having it here so...

Actually, I'm going to go ask Crowley about it.

I'm really excited for you guys to meet my friends.

They don't drink as much as you, but then again, who does?

Mmm... Not that I'm judging.

Okay, maybe just a little.

Tell them what you just told me. Go ahead, Crowley. Tell them.

Which part?

The part about me going golfing in Scotland?

No. Before that.

Oh, I'm closing this place down.

Shutting the doors next week.

What? Are you kidding me?

You can't sell the bar!

I'm not selling the bar.

I'm selling the building, closing the bar.

I was gonna burn the place down, but then I remembered my parents live upstairs.

But you can't do this. We just fought so hard to get this place back!

It made me realize what a pain in the ass it is owning a bar.

Owning a bar is a young man's game.

Tell me about it. You are young, Brendo.

Oh, yeah. Don't think about it as losing a bar.

Think about it as gaining a...

Whatever moves in here next.

What's gonna move in here? I don't know.

Cell phone store? Check cashing place?

Pretty much gotta be one of the two, though.

I'm really sorry to hear about your bar, you guys, but I have to go.

I've got a work thing.

Mike never told us. What do you do?

I'm a burglar.

No, I'm kidding. I'm an ad exec. Same thing.

Except without the raccoon mask and the bags with the money signs.

Hey, I'm gonna find an even better place to have your party. I promise.

I feel very confident that things are going to work out.

Okay. All right, thanks, sweetie.

Bye. Bye, guys.

See you later, Marcia.

I'm screwed! Where am I supposed to have this party?

My apartment is downright dangerous with more than eight.

What about a park? You can't have booze at a park.

Parks suck.

You know, Andy's house is just sitting there empty.

And we all know it's stumbling distance to Marcia's place.

That would be perfect! Yeah!

You think he'd mind? Not if he doesn't know.

Great. Problem solved.

Not quite, Crowley's is closing. Like, for good.

What's important here?

Crowley's is like the lynchpin of this neighborhood.

I mean, where's that guy gonna go during the day?

The library? Huh, I don't think so.

I hope it doesn't become one of those places

that sells really expensive soap with twigs sticking out of it.

Hi, everybody. Hey!

Okay, it's official. I have big news.

Yeah, well, we have big news, too.

Oh? Crowley's is closing!

Fantastic! And I'm going to London.

You're going to London? For how long?

Three months. I'm going to be a panelist on a BBC talk show.

Me, Sharon Osbourne and Posh Spice are going to give relationship advice.

That is so fantastic! Congratulations!

Thanks. Aw, I'm going to miss you so much.

You going?

Kenny hasn't decided yet if he wants to come with me,

or have many months of awkward conversations at weird hours,

causing irreparable harm to our fledgling relationship.

What am I going to do in London?

Visit Big Ben? I mean, my business is just taking off.

The timing couldn't be worse.

Long distance relationships are really hard.

And when one of you isn't into phone sex...

Ew. Oh, no!

I just pictured you guys having phone sex,

which is way worse than when I picture you guys having sex sex.

Why did you picture them having sex sex?

It's natural. It's like, you know, when I think about you guys.

What? You picture us having sex sex?

Aw! Now I did! Stop it.

First of all, it's none of your business. Second of all, it's not gross.

Yes, when I picture it, it's very loving.

Okay, how did we get here from me going to London?

How did we get here from Mike needing a place to throw Marcia a party?

And people, where are we going to drink?

Crap, I gotta go. I've got that early morning breakfast with Jack.

I gotta get some sleep.

How can you sleep when we don't know where we're going to be drinking?

Oh, we're not going right to sleep...

Oh, now I'm picturing it.

See? Why'd you have to drag me into this?

Wow, Jack, I can't believe you're finally retiring.

I am. I'm going to spend some time with the family.

Now, usually when you hear a guy say that, it means he was caught with a hooker.

But, sadly, in my case, it's true.

Well, I just can't believe you're giving up your column.

I mean, you are sports in this town.

Well, now it's time for some other schmuck to take my place,

which is why I want to talk to you.

Oh, am I on that list of schmucks?

No, you should be, but you're not. 'Cause you're not doing enough.

What more should I be doing?

The business has changed, P.J.

You gotta do so much more now.

I mean, you should be tweeting and blogging

and other verbs that didn't exist five years ago.

Breaking more news? You gotta be

everywhere all the time, instead of interviewing a pitcher of beer.

Well, obviously, I will do whatever it takes to get a shot at the front page.

I mean, that's the dream.

You got the talent.

You just gotta convince those pooh-bahs upstairs that you can be the next Jack Briscoe.

All right.

I guess I'll need to get three ex-wives and a lot more Hawaiian shirts.

Don't leave the second one.

I really liked Bridget.

I found a cute flat in Whitechapel, two bedroom.

Isn't that where Jack the Ripper was murdering people?

That was a while ago.

I think the neighborhood's come up since then.

Here, I'm here.

Hey.

Sorry I'm late. I've been dealing with this whole party thing.

You guys, it's way too much.

You think you could help me out with a couple things?

Sure, man. What do you need?

Great, I made a list.

Okay.

Uh, Steph, eh, you're on wine duty.

Perfect. You want the standard 60/40 split of white, red for the summer?

Anything bubbly?

Literally gibberish.

Actually made me a little angry.

I'll take care of it.

Robert, you're on paper products, plates, napkins, et cetera.

Okay. Kenny, you're on meat.

Done, I know a guy. Nice stuff.

Brendo, music.

Uh, what does Marcia like? Actually, no, you know what?

I'm gonna tell Marcia what she likes.

I think she's on a little bit of a Pixies kick.

P.J., cake. Can you handle cake?

Cake!

Uh, yeah, cake, of course.

Cake, I will do whatever you need me to do.

How about playing poker? I'm dealing.

Sorry, I am tweeting.

Isn't tweeting just telling people what you're doing?

Yes. Why not tell them you're playing poker?

Because I don't think that's going to help me get the front page.

Well, what if you play poker and tell them you went to the Cubs game?

Because she's not, that would be lying.

Hey, Peej, can I talk to you real quick about something kind of important.

Yeah, is something wrong?

No, no, no. It's just, you know, kind of a business related question. But...

Yeah, I just, uh... Sorry, I have to finish this piece about this kid

from Venezuela who supposedly can throw 108 mph.

I'm gonna blog about it.

Ah. I'm sorry.

Dinner, how about Thursday?

Great. Okay.

Cool, cool, cool.

Peej, you in or out?

I am sorry, guys. I think I'm out.

I should just go into my room and work.

Aw, man. Bloggy P.J. is no fun.

Look, I'm sorry. This is my big push.

I gotta do nothing but work if I'm going to get this job.

Sorry.

What is that?

It's all they have left on tap.

Crowley's not restocking, so all they've got left is the really weird stuff.

This is like licking a can.

I'm drunk.

Wait, now I'm sober.

Ow, my head!

Hey, you guys. Hey, guys.

We just picked up a bunch of stuff for the party.

Yeah, I got 300 paper plates.

What? No! I just fought traffic all the way back from Skokie.

Where I bought paper plates, because Mike told me to!

I did? Whoops. I'm sorry.

Dude, I'm having trouble keeping track of everything.

Well, I hope you didn't tell anybody else to get hot dogs,

because I've got 16 dozen in my trunk.

Actually, we need some veggie dogs, because Marcia's vegetarian.

Kind of an important thing to tell the meat guy.

I hate to say it, pal.

But I think you might be in a little over your head, here.

Or maybe this is going exactly as planned.

A party with 7,000 plates and 200 nasty-ass hot dogs.

Mike, you need a party planner, someone that can take care of the details.

Party planner? Totally! Dude, you're a life saver.

I'm a what now?

Dude, nobody does organization like you.

Let's check in after you get the kegs.

Oh, there's the birthday girl.

Hold on. Hi, honey...

What just happened?

Kenny Moritorri, party planner extraordinaire.

So now I'm planning a party?

I'm trying to get Kenny's Closets off the ground! I don't have time for this.

All right, if I'm doing this, that's fine.

Everybody else is going to have to step up.

Brendan, can you do balloons?

I'm on music, dude. Plus, I've got a really

important business meeting that I've got...

Reschedule, there's a new sheriff in town.

You. Buying balloons.

What are you laughing at, law school? Classes don't start for a month.

You're my twinkle light bitch.

Oh, hey, you guys. Hey!

Hey, where have you been?

Oh!

I just had breakfast in South Bend, lunch in Evanston,

afternoon at Mount Carmel, and then I just got back from Wrigley.

I am exhausted.

Guys, give her a little breathing room.

Have a little beer. Relax.

Oh, thank you.

Gee, what a surprise, you, here, with a beer in your hand.

No, I just picked this up, I swear!

And I'm actually not even sure that's beer.

You got a second?

All right, now listen.

I'm going to make you an offer that I'm not making to anybody else.

I'm going to the White Sox-Red Sox series in Boston tomorrow.

You come with me. I'll introduce you around.

Oh! Wow, that's, uh, really nice of you.

I actually have a bunch of things lined up this weekend.

I've got this birthday party... What?

I haven't been to a birthday party since I was seven.

You gotta get your priorities straight.

In this job, you're going to miss birthdays.

Hell, you'll miss births.

Well, actually, that would be a little...

Look, I am offering you a call-up to the bigs.

You should be living and breathing sports! I do!

Well, then Boston's a no-brainer.

Hell, you should have three or four stories about the Sox-Sox

series you could do right now.

Oh. And what are they?

Um... Mike Cameron gets a chance to play against the team

that drafted him.

Timmy Wakefield is a 44-year-old starter.

And Ozzie Guillen and Terry Francona have the two filthiest mouths in baseball.

Pack your bags. See you in Boston.

Thanks for the drink.

And then this fold makes the beak.

I don't understand why we need 200 origami ducks.

They're cranes. They're supposed to be good luck.

Mine looks like a penguin.

Hey, you don't have to explain yourself to anybody.

You got a problem, you go through me.

You know, Kenny, you think you're throwing yourself into this whole

party planner role so you don't have to deal with the London issue?

It might be easy for you to pick up and leave, but I've got roots here.

Plus, this birthday barbecue for my best friend's new girlfriend,

is very important to me.

I'll give you $100 if you can tell me Marcia's last name.

Wilson? Sandler.

Handler.

Definitely Handler. Uh, crap, I gotta go.

Hey! No time! More spelling mistakes.

Gotta get to the jewelers!

Finally! You were supposed to be here hours ago.

I am sorry. I have got, like, a million things to do for work.

You've got a million things to do?

I gotta plan a whole party, using a skeleton crew acting like amateurs.

We are amateurs.

Take it easy, Kenny. Geez, who made you party planner?

Mike. Kenny's the party planner.

Boy, you have really missed a lot.

And I know you're busy, okay? But how are we doing on that cake?

What cake?

I swear to God...

Bobby, you're going to have to take over the cake.

I can't take cake. It'll break me.

I still have to make 40 more penguin crane things.

Don't look at me, man. I actually gotta go.

I got a meeting with my accountant.

Hey, Peej, we're still cool for dinner later, right?

Oh, shoot. Dude, I have some bad news about that.

I have to pack tonight. I have to go to Boston tomorrow.

What? You're going to miss the party?

I have to, all right?

If I'm going to get this dream job, I absolutely have to be in Boston this weekend.

Wow, Mike's going to be bummed. He's so invested in this party.

And I'm bummed, because you're going to leave me here alone with Kenny.

And also cause I'll miss you.

Believe me, I would much rather be here at a super fun barbecue.

But I just need to get this job,

and then everything will go back to normal.

You know?

Will it though? You'd be on the front page.

Peej, Jack had no life. I think that's just the job.

Well, I'm not going to become Jack Briscoe.

Well, unfortunately, there are trade-offs for that kind of success.

Look, that's not going to happen to me, because my friends are way too important.

Oh, Bobby, can you tell Mike that I can't come to his party?

Aw, man! Seriously?

You can mention it when you drop off the heaters.

All right, look, thanks.

Thanks, thanks, thanks. I gotta go. I'm so sorry.

I gotta pack, guys.

I should run, too.

Where are you going?

Well, I've got to pack, sort things, shed dead weight.

Ooh! I'm no relationship expert, but I think she's talking about you.

You know, it's not an easy decision to make, Stephanie, okay?

First of all, I don't understand the rules to cricket.

They don't have ice, they got warm beer.

They have bad teeth... Do you know anything about London

that wasn't in a stand-up routine 20 years ago?

Plus, they drive on the left side of the road, which isn't right.

You suck!

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

We hang out here now.

What have I missed?

Marcia and I have five kids.

Mike, Michael Jr., Michel, Michelangelo and Joaquin.

I went outside the marriage for Joaquin.

We needed a smart one.

Hey, it's Bobby!

Honey... Are you in a choir?

I'm on the Supreme Court now. And don't call me honey. She wouldn't like it.

Who? I married Jessica Biel when you were out of town.

She's delicious.

Yeah!

I'm an editor now.

But still single, with a drinking problem?

I love my job.

Hey, P.J., how'd the triple bypass go?

When did my heart blow up?

Ugh, P.J., what are you wearing?

Oh, great.

Thanks for all the hard work, Brendo.

No problem. Hey, I got all this stuff!

He just put some music in an iPod.

Big whoop! Bobby, I didn't see any heat lamps.

Tell me they're on the way. There are no heat lamps.

I had to make an executive decision.

It's 85 degrees outside!

Calm down, Lisa.

No, I will not! None of you guys appreciate me!

I stayed up until 3:00 in the morning making buttons

out of Marcia's second grade picture!

Oh, they're adorable.

Way to go, party planner! Thanks.

No, I did it! I made them!

Oh!

Those are warm. Eat me.

Okay, food's out. We gotta get the beer on ice. Music...

Dr. Brendo's Monster Marcia Mix is ready to rock.

Gonna ease 'em in with a little Panama,

and then we're gonna take it to the break of dawn.

Wait, where's P.J.?

Oh, crap.

You had one thing you had to do!

Hey, why do you want me to hit you?

I've never hit anyone in my whole life!

She is coming though, right? She has to be here.

Actually, she's not.

What? She had a business trip.

Hi! Wow!

You are way out of the loop.

You made it!

So glad to see you!

Where were you supposed to be?

Boston. They didn't tell you?

Were you really in Boston, or was that just an elaborate lie

to get out of helping Bobby hang 1,000 twinkle lights?

You hung 1,000 little twinkle lights?

They've been so mean to me.

So what happened in Boston?

I told Jack that I do have my priorities straight.

That I do know what's important to me and, uh...

It's not my job.

It's being here with you guys.

So I am.

Hey, can you guys all come outside? We want to propose a toast.

Oh, sure, of course.

Hey, can everybody gather around, please? Come in. Come in.

First of all, thank you all so much for coming out to help me celebrate Marcia's birthday.

Whoo-hoo!

And we invited you all here, our closest friends, because...

Well, because, even though it's only been a month,

and even though we barely know each other,

tonight we're getting married.

Are you kidding me? Oh, my God!

And we know what you're thinking.

Are they out of their minds?

But the truth is, we're old.

And we know the difference between how we feel about each other,

and everyone else.

But mostly we're old.

So, let's do this! Everybody come in!

Melanie, come here, girl. Let's do it!

High five. Come on.

I promise to be loving and helpful and not always the dumbest man alive.

And I promise to love and to cherish you, even when you can't help but be.

Now, by the power vested in me by the Universal Life Church and the state of Illinois...

Wait!

I have to tell you something.

I was married before for two months to a blackjack dealer named J.D.

Really?

I used to smoke. Two packs a day. Ten years.

Depression runs in my family.

It's possible I have a teenage daughter somewhere in Denmark.

I have a ferret in my house, and I don't know where he is.

Sometimes I wear biking shorts, just to suck everything in a bit.

Okay, I'm good. Me, too.

Let's be husband and wife.

Okay.

Yeah!

Let's drink!

So, where did we end up with the cake?

Well...

Honestly, it was the best one they had at Dominick's.

It was either that or a really bad fake SpongeBob.

I can't believe they got married.

I know, I can't believe Mike was the first one to get married.

I can't believe Mike pulled this off.

I can't believe he has a daughter in Denmark.

Are we going to talk about that or what?

Damn it.

I'm not getting the job.

Aw, babe, I'm sorry. You deserved it.

Hmm, I don't know about that.

Anyway, if I had gotten it, I would've missed being here, so...

I'm pretty happy staying right where I am. On Page 3.

Well, babe, I am so sorry I haven't been around to help you with everything.

Oh, that's okay.

I learned origami and button making.

Oh, and Brendan, I know you had something really important you wanted to talk me...

I'm so sorry I haven't had time.

Oh, no. It's cool. I totally worked it out.

And, for the first time, I made a decision without your advice.

And it felt pretty good.

Great. And so did Mike.

That's true.

And so did I. What do you mean?

I've decided that I'm going to London with Steph.

Really? Yeah.

Now that Mike's left the nest, I feel like I can move on with my life.

Oh!

Oh, this is so incredibly sad.

It's Saturday night, and it's dark.

Yeah, end of an era.

Yeah. It would have been nice to have had one last nightcap here, huh?

Well, I don't know if it's stocked, but...

What are you doing?

Welcome to my new place.

No!

No! What?

What?

I'd been wanting to break away from John's for a while,

so when Crowley told me he was selling the place, I jumped on it.

I had to. It just made sense.

Well, look at you.

Yeah, look at me.

Brendo! You saved Crowley's!

Yeah, well, you know, I'm going to paint the whole thing black, drop in a stage,

charge a cover, fill it with douche bags, but yeah.

Kidding! Kidding, come on.

Oh, man.

Hey, it's you guys. Hey!

We were walking by. We saw the lights on! What's going on?

Brendo bought Crowley's.

It's Brendo's Crowley's.

What? Dude!

All right, can I just say that in my first moments in Brendo's Crowley's,

the service is terrible.

All right, all right, who needs?

Oh, yes, please.

Sometimes it takes getting your priorities straight

to truly appreciate what you already have.

Cheers, everybody! Cheers!

To Crowley's. Bring it in, bring it in.