All language subtitles for My.Boys.S04E08.Extreme.Mike-Over.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

Home is a place where
you feel safe and comfortable.

Provided some stranger
isn't sitting in it.

Someone's sitting
at our table.

Yeah, somebody's sitting
at all our tables. What gives?

Well, how 'bout couch?
Nobody ever sits on couch.

Oh, my Lord in heaven!

What kind of barbarian would
do something like this?

Damn kids! Keep your drinks
off my shuffle-puck table!

Dude, how young is this
crowd? Did they lower the
drinking age or something?

Let's grab that
table over there.

Ooh, yeah.

Ha, where did this table
even come from?

I just put it in.

You get to peek behind the
curtain and see the inside
workings of Crowley's.

I don't want to do that.

Oh, wow. That could
get annoying.

Dude, switch with me.
No way.

Brendo?
Dude, we're not Mike.

Hey.
Hey, buddy,
here, take my seat.

Thanks!

Hey, where's Marcia?

Oh, she's here,
she ran into
somebody she knew.

Oh, hey, Crowley, what
is with all these kids?

Apparently, we got
yelped. "Yelp?"

They voted us Most
Authentic Neighborhood Bar.

All I know is they're willing
to pay seven bucks for a PBR,
so keep 'em coming.

We're your regulars.
I mean, this is our bar.

Actually, it's my bar.

And it's the circle of life.

You know, you were young
and annoying once, and now...

Somebody else
is young and annoying.

We weren't annoying.
We were cool.

I mean, we weren't loud
and we didn't spill stuff.

Ugh! Dude, switch with me.
No.

Before you ran them off,
the coolest people
hung out here.

They wrote plays.
They drank rye.

Wow. That is cool.

This place was more
of a salon, until Mike
threw up in my wife's purse.

How did you know it was me?

Because you said,
"I'm going to throw up
in your wife's purse."

I took you at your
word as a gentleman.

But, Crowley, dude,
this is hell.

You know what might
make you feel better?

Why don't you have an $8
Meister Brau, huh?

It comes with a funny mug,
lights up, and for two dollars
extra, you can keep it.

You guys, this is horrible.
We can't drink here.

Yeah, but this is our home!
Mike, you and Kenny put that
shuffle-puck table in here!

I mean, we cannot
give up on this place.

Hello.
Hey.

Hey, baby.

Who was that?
That was Chase.
I used to babysit for him.

I once cleaned
his poopy pants.

And judging by how much
he's drinking, I may get
another chance tonight.

You wanna sit here?

No, that door's going
to be whacking me
in the back all night.

You guys, I'm going to pop.

We gotta go someplace else.

Why don't you have
everyone over to your place?

I mean, it's huge and I just
restocked the fridge with
all these tasty cheeses.

They don't want
to go to my place.

I kind of do.
No, you don't.

It's far, and I spilled
a box of thumbtacks
in the living room.

Okay, you guys figure
it out, I'll be right back.

Oh, God, is that a line?

You've got to be kidding me.

Mike, she still thinks
you own Andy's place?

Dude, you have got
to tell Marcia the truth.

It is the weirdest lie ever.

Weirder than, "I won a car
on The Price is Right?"

Was it a car?
You told me boat.

It was a camper.

It was nothing!
It was a lie!

I never told Marcia that
Andy's place was mine.

She just sort of came
to believe it.

Because you keep pretending
that you live there!

I know, and now I'm
neck deep in this lie.

And I'm freaking out.

But, I mean, what
am I supposed to say?

How about, "That bedroom
that's furnished for a little
girl isn't my office."

Okay, look, I can't
tell her the truth.

She thinks I'm a grown-up man
with a grown-up place!

Why don't you just fix your
place up, and then when
you tell her the truth,

it'll soften the blow
when she sees...

That my place is a dump?

Well, see, that's
why I stopped.

I realized there was no
good end to that sentence.

My place is so
not Marcia-ready.

Dude, it's not really
anybody-ready.

All right, look, Mike,
you're going to calm
down, okay?

How about Steph and I come
over to your place, we'll help
spruce it up a little bit.

Would you?
That would be awesome.

Absolutely, I would
be so happy to help.

There are two girls
in there just crying.

Crying and crying...

Ah, all right, that's it.

If I stay here any
longer, I'm literally
going to burst into flames.

Don't do that. The flames will
ignite all the Axe body spray,

and this place will go up
like a dry Christmas tree.

Let's go.

You know what?
Let's just... Yeah.

Hey.
Hey.

Hey, you guys, I just
drove by Crowley's.

And there's a line
to get in and a doorman.

What? That's not right.

It's not good.

You guys, we're going
to need to find a new
bar to call our own.

Fantastic!

I mean, I know that you're
heartbroken, but fantastic!

You don't
like Crowley's?

I've only been campaigning
to leave that place for three
years. Where are we going?

Well, it shouldn't be too
hard to find a new bar.

I mean, there's like four
billion of them in this town.

Yeah, but not every
bar is for us.

You know, cops have cop bars,
bikers got biker bars,
chefs got chef bars.

Chef bars?
You just made that up.

No, the bar on the corner of
Clark and Wrightwood,
that's a chef bar.

You've never been in there
because you're not a chef.

I've never been
in there because it's
dark and it smells funny.

It's a chef bar.

Why don't we all just
hang out at my club?

With all due respect, no. Why?

There's a cover charge.
And it's loud.

With gross bathrooms.

The douche factor.

All right, all right!
Take it easy. Let's not
all turn on each other.

Assholes.

Hey, guys, what's our top
criteria for the new bar?

The thing I liked
about Crowley's

was that it was so quiet you
could talk to your friends.

And it had a TV, in case
you got tired of talking
to your friends.

I never get tired
of talking to you, dude.

I'm aware of that.

All right, guys,
here's the homework.

Let's all fan out.
We'll each check out three
bars, and then report back.

Agreed?

Agreed!
All right.

Hey, anybody want
to check out that chimney
sweep bar on Kedzie?

Actually, Mike, you're busy.

Tomorrow, Steph and I
are going to come over
and we're going to help you

Marcia-tize your place.

Or, in lieu of doing
all that work, what if I just
bought Andy's place?

It's on the market
for 800,000.

I'll be there at 5:00. Okay.

I don't think I've ever
been here before.

Interesting note,
no woman has
been here twice.

Surprising.

Okay, where do we begin?

The bathroom.

Oh, my.

It's just a normal bathroom.

Shower, hot
and cold water.

Business time, an amazing
picture of Scottie Pippen.

One towel, slightly damp,
too small for the average
male body, check.

Tower of magazines right
by the john, check.

Oh, and look at this.

Frosted glass shower door.

Okay, that glass
is not frosted.

Oh, yeah, that comes off.

I know, I know.
I gotta get this
thing fixed.

Hey, Mike, why do you
have a can of tennis
balls in your fridge?

No, no, that's
Chinese take-out.

Can keeps stuff fresh.

Where are your pots and pans?

Pots and pans?
You're cute.

Ah, so, what do
you guys think?

I think that you can't
bring Marcia here.

I think she'll take one
sniff of this place and
run away screaming.

Interesting, uh, what
do you think?

I feel scared.

Uh, and nauseous.

I don't know what you did,
but I want to turn you in.

Okay, look, I know
that the place needs
to be cleaned, all right?

I got a broom here and
I got a piece of cardboard
to sweep some stuff up.

And look what I got.

Engine degreaser.

Too strong?

You have a lot of work
to do in here, Mike.

I think you need an
entire cleaning crew.

There are companies who
clean up after murders.

Call them.

See who they use when there's
a situation they can't handle.

You're being
a tad dramatic.

Really? What's this?

I don't know. A rash?

Didn't walk in with it.

Okay, if you really like
Marcia, don't give her
a mystery rash.

It's sad we even have
to tell you that.

I hear you.
I do care about Marcia.

But I really think I can
do this by myself.

Hey, Moo goo gai pan?

See, I'm ready to go.

All right, this place
looks cool.

You know, nondescript.
Low key.

Dude.

I don't know about this place.
What is that?

Don't just stand there.
Come on in!

No thanks.
Take your shirt off!

Excuse me?
Did I stutter?

Okay. Okay. "Creepy old
lady with her pants off,"
bar off the list!

Yeah.

Okay, everybody, the
New Bar Search Committee
meeting is in order.

How did everybody do?

No luck.

It turns out the Salty Dog
is a salty gay bar.

And apparently we weren't
attractive enough.

That guy Jimmy really...
He hurt my feelings.

Come on, guys,
this is Chicago.
It's the land of bars.

It shouldn't be this hard.

But all the good bars
are claimed, Peej.

Hey, look at this new
place that just opened
up in my neighborhood.

New is good.
We could be the first
ones to plant a flag there.

Listen to this,
The Angry Badger.

It says, "Grown-up vibe,
good food, best
gastro pub in town."

And it's got to have a better
wine list than Crowley's.

List? List implies two.

Done, we'll try
The Angry Badger.
Yeah.

Okay.
Good!

Hey!
Hey!

Sorry I'm late.
I just spent the last few
hours cleaning my apartment.

But I am done.

That's impossible.
It should have taken
you till next week.

I just need you
ladies to sign off.

And then I can tell Marcia
the truth and finally get
this lie off my chest.

Why bother? Aren't there
tons of other lies just
buried underneath it?

Like what?
Like your mom is Ginger
from Gilligan's Island.

You sailed in
the America's Cup.

You're Hungarian royalty.

I haven't told her that
one yet. I'm waiting
for the right moment.

Welcome back to my
apartment and Marcia's.

Wow.

And it smells like
an old building.
Not feet or death.

Oh, it's Honey Ocean.
I must have burned
like 300 of them.

Yeah, it smells good,
and chicks dig candles.

I can see through
the shower door.

Well, Mike, you're off
to a really good start.

Start?
What do you mean start?

Well, I mean, it is clean,
which, don't get me
wrong, is a miracle.

But it's still not,
Marcia-tized.

But, I, uh...

I did the shower.

I bought a candle.

You have reached
the minimum legal
level of hygiene.

But you still need to show
that, you know, you live here.

Right, like
furniture, artwork.

Matching towels.

Plates that aren't made
out of paper, you know.

A bed that isn't just
a mattress on the ground.

That's all just stuff.

It's not just stuff.

Grown men own nice
things because they're
invested in their lives.

They've made
a home for themselves.

An adult apartment says
something about, well,
your taste and personality.

I'm a minimalist.

I'm spiritual, like
the guy from Kung Fu.

The guy from Kung Fu
didn't have an apartment.

You know, I tried really hard
with this place, and I thought
I did pretty good.

I just want
to mope in my chair.

All right, Mike, come on.
We'll take you
to Crate & Barrel.

We'll get you
everything you need.

Yeah, we'll have this
place looking like
a catalog in no time.

No. If I'm going to be
worthy of Marcia, then
I have to do this myself.

You said my place was
supposed to be an expression
of my taste and personality.

I did say that.

Why did you say that?

Wow, this is nice.
Beautiful bar.

Mmm-hmm, nice atmosphere,
no adolescent games.

And menus on
giant chalkboards.

Mesdames, my brothers,
can I offer you
a quality beverage?

What beer do you have?

Oh, "What beer do we have?"

Okay, we have over 400
kinds of microbrews.

What's the Wretched Lady
Mid-August stout?

It's from Oregon,
a slightly caramel finish.

Similar to the Smelly
Dragon Summer Wheat.

No? Okay.

What's the Trappist Ale?

Ah, the hops are handpicked
by Belgian monks.

Slightly higher
alcohol content.

Done!

Ugh, I taste lawn.

And chocolate.
And monk sandals.

This is awful.
I think I found
a twig in mine.

There's no TV.
And it's library
quiet in here.

I call bullshit
on this place.
Well, I like it.

My Cabernet is delicious.

I'm sorry, but would you mind
keeping your voice down?
You're waking Sheffield.

Is that the baby?

Um, excuse me.
It is so quiet in here,
I can hear the hops ferment.

Okay, keep your pants on.

Uh, I don't want to alarm
anyone, but have you taken
a close look at those guys?

Oh, yeah, except for the
guy in the Clash shirt,

they're all an older,
uncool version of us.

Our future isn't
looking very fun.

More like, "Did you see this
funny New Yorker cartoon?
That crab is furious."

I'm not ready to be
old and boring.

I am young and vibrant and
deserving of a good bar.

Well, we can keep searching.

Or we can just take
Crowley's back.

We nurtured that place.
We built it from
the ground up.

Are we just gonna let it be
taken over by a bunch of kids?

No!
Yes!

Our home has been
infested by little ants.

And I say it's time
we stomp them out!

I'm so attracted
to you right now.

Bobby, there's no time.
We gotta get rid of the ants!

And I say the only way we do
that is to turn Crowley's into
a place they don't want to be.

So all of those in favor
of Operation Take Back
Crowley's, say, "Aye!"

Aye!
Really?

Can you please
keep it down?
No, we can't!

Oh!

Oh, sorry, little Sheffield.

Okay, people, if we're going
to make this the worst bar
ever, we have to stay strong.

Remember, we have to destroy
Crowley's to save it.

That's one.

Okay, Steph. It's go-time.
Do you copy?

I'm doing
this under protest.

Don't make me say "copy."

Okay, but do you?
Copy.

This way, ladies.

God, I hate flower ladies.

Look at them,
selling flowers.
Drives me crazy.

Uh, can I get everyone's
attention, please?

Hi, uh...

We're starting a new
tradition here at Crowley's.

"Open Mic Mondays,
Wednesdays, Thursdays
and Fridays."

Uh, lots of jokes and songs.

Maybe some mime! Who knows?

Hope you guys are
into it, all right.

Thanks for coming out.
You guys are really cool.

Keep it up. Great energy.

Uh, what's up with dating?

Basically, you're saying,
"I find you interesting.
Let me spend 50 bucks on you."

Uh...

Hey, butterflies.
It's like a stick of
butter, but it flies?

That doesn't make
any sense!

Plastic forks...
Thanks for coming.

They don't even work.

Hey, what up with
Kelly Ripa's arms?

Man, she could
kick my butt!

Peace out.

♪ My girlfriend's a pineapple

♪ But she certainly
ain't no peach ♪

By the way, I wasn't
aware of this.

What is this?

Does it matter?
It's doing its job.

This music hates
everybody under 25.

No, this music hates everyone.

Dude, how long did you
program the jukebox for?

Four hours!
We're halfway there!

I can't take it anymore!

Just hold on!
I feel like I'm going
to have a seizure.

Oh, our table's free!

I told you! Thank you,
creepy speed metal band!

Actually, I gotta go, dudes.

What? No!
We just got our spot back!

No, I gotta go.
I'm meeting Marcia
back at my apartment.

I'm coming clean.
So, wish me luck!

Wait, whoa, Kung Fu.
What do you mean?

Yeah, are you
sure you're ready?

I have to be. The lie
is stressing me out.

Plus, there's an
open house tomorrow.
So come what may, it's time.

Oh!
Oh!

Okay, kids, gotta
a block of Slipknot coming
up for you, but first,

it's the latest from
Killswitch Engage.

I don't understand.
What are we doing here?
Where are we?

Marcia, I need
to tell you something.

I knew it!
It's the two week mark.

This is when I find out
that you need to
borrow 10 grand?

Your wife's about
to get out of prison.

Is there a head
in the freezer?

No! It's not that bad.
It's a huge lie.

Uh, Marcia, this
is my real place.

As in, you live here?
With your other family?

No! I'm alone.

But that place on Webster
belongs to a friend of mine.

I was just taking
care of his plants.

So you pretended to live
somewhere else?

Well, this is a new one.

Yeah, and I was going
to tell you, but...

You liked that other
place so much,
and I like you.

And I want to be
the guy you think I am.
But I'm not.

I'm this guy.

And, um, I'm really
sorry that I didn't
tell you sooner.

I get it.

I'm a fox.

You did what you
had to do to keep me.

Yeah.

Okay, well, let's see
what you've got.

'Cause I'm not that
impressed with this hallway.

Okay.
I hope you like it.

Well, here goes.

Wait. Wait a second.

Okay, sweetie,
I'm ready.

I can't believe we did it.

Those kids are finally gone.

Metal, baby, powerful stuff.

Welcome home, everybody.

What happened?
Where's the cast
of Jersey Shore?

I go to a Cubs game
and they all disappear?

Yeah... I don't know.

Circle of life, Crowley.

Okay, you guys win.

But, it's on you
to drink the 70 cases
of Old Smile I'm stuck with.

Hey, did you enjoy those
tickets, though?

I did. Jeff Samardzija
got the win.

It was a weird one.

Uh-oh, Mike is asking us
to come to his house.

Yeah, he's calling for backup.

Okay, wait. What's
the plan if we find
Mike in a ball, crying?

We take him to Indiana
and get him on a riverboat.

That always helps
his mood.
Yeah.

Come in!

Oh, my God!
What?

Whoa!

What? No way.

This place is...

Exactly like it's always been.

Yes! Unchanged!
Tastefully unchanged!

You guys are crazy.
Grab a beer.

You know where they are,
in the fridge.

Oh!

Whoa! It's filled
with beer and, like,
three kinds of food!

Like always.

Like always!

Here, let me help you.

Oh!

This place looks amazing.
I'm so proud of you.

Yeah, thanks, it feels
really, really great.

So, Marcia, what do you think?

Was it worth it for Mike
to sell the townhouse
and get this one bedroom?

That's okay, Brendan.
Mike told me everything.

I'm actually relieved.

That other place felt haunted.

Like some horrible
man-monster lived there.

Yeah.
That is true.

Hmm.
Yeah, I love this place.

It feels like Mike.

Thanks.
Yeah.

And, as long as we're coming
clean with each other, Mike,
I need to borrow 10 grand.

I'm kidding. I do.

No, come on. But do
you think down the road,
I could borrow $10,000?

No?

They are weirdly perfect
for each other, aren't they?

Yeah.

Home is where the heart
is. But still, it'd really be
better if you had a sofa.