Original subtitles

Home is a place where you feel safe and comfortable.

Provided some stranger isn't sitting in it.

Someone's sitting at our table.

Yeah, somebody's sitting at all our tables. What gives?

Well, how 'bout couch? Nobody ever sits on couch.

Oh, my Lord in heaven!

What kind of barbarian would do something like this?

Damn kids! Keep your drinks off my shuffle-puck table!

Dude, how young is this crowd? Did they lower the drinking age or something?

Let's grab that table over there.

Ooh, yeah.

Ha, where did this table even come from?

I just put it in.

You get to peek behind the curtain and see the inside workings of Crowley's.

I don't want to do that.

Oh, wow. That could get annoying.

Dude, switch with me. No way.

Brendo? Dude, we're not Mike.

Hey. Hey, buddy, here, take my seat.

Thanks!

Hey, where's Marcia?

Oh, she's here, she ran into somebody she knew.

Oh, hey, Crowley, what is with all these kids?

Apparently, we got yelped. "Yelp?"

They voted us Most Authentic Neighborhood Bar.

All I know is they're willing to pay seven bucks for a PBR, so keep 'em coming.

We're your regulars. I mean, this is our bar.

Actually, it's my bar.

And it's the circle of life.

You know, you were young and annoying once, and now...

Somebody else is young and annoying.

We weren't annoying. We were cool.

I mean, we weren't loud and we didn't spill stuff.

Ugh! Dude, switch with me. No.

Before you ran them off, the coolest people hung out here.

They wrote plays. They drank rye.

Wow. That is cool.

This place was more of a salon, until Mike threw up in my wife's purse.

How did you know it was me?

Because you said, "I'm going to throw up in your wife's purse."

I took you at your word as a gentleman.

But, Crowley, dude, this is hell.

You know what might make you feel better?

Why don't you have an $8 Meister Brau, huh?

It comes with a funny mug, lights up, and for two dollars extra, you can keep it.

You guys, this is horrible. We can't drink here.

Yeah, but this is our home! Mike, you and Kenny put that shuffle-puck table in here!

I mean, we cannot give up on this place.

Hello. Hey.

Hey, baby.

Who was that? That was Chase. I used to babysit for him.

I once cleaned his poopy pants.

And judging by how much he's drinking, I may get another chance tonight.

You wanna sit here?

No, that door's going to be whacking me in the back all night.

You guys, I'm going to pop.

We gotta go someplace else.

Why don't you have everyone over to your place?

I mean, it's huge and I just restocked the fridge with all these tasty cheeses.

They don't want to go to my place.

I kind of do. No, you don't.

It's far, and I spilled a box of thumbtacks in the living room.

Okay, you guys figure it out, I'll be right back.

Oh, God, is that a line?

You've got to be kidding me.

Mike, she still thinks you own Andy's place?

Dude, you have got to tell Marcia the truth.

It is the weirdest lie ever.

Weirder than, "I won a car on The Price is Right?"

Was it a car? You told me boat.

It was a camper.

It was nothing! It was a lie!

I never told Marcia that Andy's place was mine.

She just sort of came to believe it.

Because you keep pretending that you live there!

I know, and now I'm neck deep in this lie.

And I'm freaking out.

But, I mean, what am I supposed to say?

How about, "That bedroom that's furnished for a little girl isn't my office."

Okay, look, I can't tell her the truth.

She thinks I'm a grown-up man with a grown-up place!

Why don't you just fix your place up, and then when you tell her the truth,

it'll soften the blow when she sees...

That my place is a dump?

Well, see, that's why I stopped.

I realized there was no good end to that sentence.

My place is so not Marcia-ready.

Dude, it's not really anybody-ready.

All right, look, Mike, you're going to calm down, okay?

How about Steph and I come over to your place, we'll help spruce it up a little bit.

Would you? That would be awesome.

Absolutely, I would be so happy to help.

There are two girls in there just crying.

Crying and crying...

Ah, all right, that's it.

If I stay here any longer, I'm literally going to burst into flames.

Don't do that. The flames will ignite all the Axe body spray,

and this place will go up like a dry Christmas tree.

Let's go.

You know what? Let's just... Yeah.

Hey. Hey.

Hey, you guys, I just drove by Crowley's.

And there's a line to get in and a doorman.

What? That's not right.

It's not good.

You guys, we're going to need to find a new bar to call our own.

Fantastic!

I mean, I know that you're heartbroken, but fantastic!

You don't like Crowley's?

I've only been campaigning to leave that place for three years. Where are we going?

Well, it shouldn't be too hard to find a new bar.

I mean, there's like four billion of them in this town.

Yeah, but not every bar is for us.

You know, cops have cop bars, bikers got biker bars, chefs got chef bars.

Chef bars? You just made that up.

No, the bar on the corner of Clark and Wrightwood, that's a chef bar.

You've never been in there because you're not a chef.

I've never been in there because it's dark and it smells funny.

It's a chef bar.

Why don't we all just hang out at my club?

With all due respect, no. Why?

There's a cover charge. And it's loud.

With gross bathrooms.

The douche factor.

All right, all right! Take it easy. Let's not all turn on each other.

Assholes.

Hey, guys, what's our top criteria for the new bar?

The thing I liked about Crowley's

was that it was so quiet you could talk to your friends.

And it had a TV, in case you got tired of talking to your friends.

I never get tired of talking to you, dude.

I'm aware of that.

All right, guys, here's the homework.

Let's all fan out. We'll each check out three bars, and then report back.

Agreed?

Agreed! All right.

Hey, anybody want to check out that chimney sweep bar on Kedzie?

Actually, Mike, you're busy.

Tomorrow, Steph and I are going to come over and we're going to help you

Marcia-tize your place.

Or, in lieu of doing all that work, what if I just bought Andy's place?

It's on the market for 800,000.

I'll be there at 5:00. Okay.

I don't think I've ever been here before.

Interesting note, no woman has been here twice.

Surprising.

Okay, where do we begin?

The bathroom.

Oh, my.

It's just a normal bathroom.

Shower, hot and cold water.

Business time, an amazing picture of Scottie Pippen.

One towel, slightly damp, too small for the average male body, check.

Tower of magazines right by the john, check.

Oh, and look at this.

Frosted glass shower door.

Okay, that glass is not frosted.

Oh, yeah, that comes off.

I know, I know. I gotta get this thing fixed.

Hey, Mike, why do you have a can of tennis balls in your fridge?

No, no, that's Chinese take-out.

Can keeps stuff fresh.

Where are your pots and pans?

Pots and pans? You're cute.

Ah, so, what do you guys think?

I think that you can't bring Marcia here.

I think she'll take one sniff of this place and run away screaming.

Interesting, uh, what do you think?

I feel scared.

Uh, and nauseous.

I don't know what you did, but I want to turn you in.

Okay, look, I know that the place needs to be cleaned, all right?

I got a broom here and I got a piece of cardboard to sweep some stuff up.

And look what I got.

Engine degreaser.

Too strong?

You have a lot of work to do in here, Mike.

I think you need an entire cleaning crew.

There are companies who clean up after murders.

Call them.

See who they use when there's a situation they can't handle.

You're being a tad dramatic.

Really? What's this?

I don't know. A rash?

Didn't walk in with it.

Okay, if you really like Marcia, don't give her a mystery rash.

It's sad we even have to tell you that.

I hear you. I do care about Marcia.

But I really think I can do this by myself.

Hey, Moo goo gai pan?

See, I'm ready to go.

All right, this place looks cool.

You know, nondescript. Low key.

Dude.

I don't know about this place. What is that?

Don't just stand there. Come on in!

No thanks. Take your shirt off!

Excuse me? Did I stutter?

Okay. Okay. "Creepy old lady with her pants off," bar off the list!

Yeah.

Okay, everybody, the New Bar Search Committee meeting is in order.

How did everybody do?

No luck.

It turns out the Salty Dog is a salty gay bar.

And apparently we weren't attractive enough.

That guy Jimmy really... He hurt my feelings.

Come on, guys, this is Chicago. It's the land of bars.

It shouldn't be this hard.

But all the good bars are claimed, Peej.

Hey, look at this new place that just opened up in my neighborhood.

New is good. We could be the first ones to plant a flag there.

Listen to this, The Angry Badger.

It says, "Grown-up vibe, good food, best gastro pub in town."

And it's got to have a better wine list than Crowley's.

List? List implies two.

Done, we'll try The Angry Badger. Yeah.

Okay. Good!

Hey! Hey!

Sorry I'm late. I just spent the last few hours cleaning my apartment.

But I am done.

That's impossible. It should have taken you till next week.

I just need you ladies to sign off.

And then I can tell Marcia the truth and finally get this lie off my chest.

Why bother? Aren't there tons of other lies just buried underneath it?

Like what? Like your mom is Ginger from Gilligan's Island.

You sailed in the America's Cup.

You're Hungarian royalty.

I haven't told her that one yet. I'm waiting for the right moment.

Welcome back to my apartment and Marcia's.

Wow.

And it smells like an old building. Not feet or death.

Oh, it's Honey Ocean. I must have burned like 300 of them.

Yeah, it smells good, and chicks dig candles.

I can see through the shower door.

Well, Mike, you're off to a really good start.

Start? What do you mean start?

Well, I mean, it is clean, which, don't get me wrong, is a miracle.

But it's still not, Marcia-tized.

But, I, uh...

I did the shower.

I bought a candle.

You have reached the minimum legal level of hygiene.

But you still need to show that, you know, you live here.

Right, like furniture, artwork.

Matching towels.

Plates that aren't made out of paper, you know.

A bed that isn't just a mattress on the ground.

That's all just stuff.

It's not just stuff.

Grown men own nice things because they're invested in their lives.

They've made a home for themselves.

An adult apartment says something about, well, your taste and personality.

I'm a minimalist.

I'm spiritual, like the guy from Kung Fu.

The guy from Kung Fu didn't have an apartment.

You know, I tried really hard with this place, and I thought I did pretty good.

I just want to mope in my chair.

All right, Mike, come on. We'll take you to Crate & Barrel.

We'll get you everything you need.

Yeah, we'll have this place looking like a catalog in no time.

No. If I'm going to be worthy of Marcia, then I have to do this myself.

You said my place was supposed to be an expression of my taste and personality.

I did say that.

Why did you say that?

Wow, this is nice. Beautiful bar.

Mmm-hmm, nice atmosphere, no adolescent games.

And menus on giant chalkboards.

Mesdames, my brothers, can I offer you a quality beverage?

What beer do you have?

Oh, "What beer do we have?"

Okay, we have over 400 kinds of microbrews.

What's the Wretched Lady Mid-August stout?

It's from Oregon, a slightly caramel finish.

Similar to the Smelly Dragon Summer Wheat.

No? Okay.

What's the Trappist Ale?

Ah, the hops are handpicked by Belgian monks.

Slightly higher alcohol content.

Done!

Ugh, I taste lawn.

And chocolate. And monk sandals.

This is awful. I think I found a twig in mine.

There's no TV. And it's library quiet in here.

I call bullshit on this place. Well, I like it.

My Cabernet is delicious.

I'm sorry, but would you mind keeping your voice down? You're waking Sheffield.

Is that the baby?

Um, excuse me. It is so quiet in here, I can hear the hops ferment.

Okay, keep your pants on.

Uh, I don't want to alarm anyone, but have you taken a close look at those guys?

Oh, yeah, except for the guy in the Clash shirt,

they're all an older, uncool version of us.

Our future isn't looking very fun.

More like, "Did you see this funny New Yorker cartoon? That crab is furious."

I'm not ready to be old and boring.

I am young and vibrant and deserving of a good bar.

Well, we can keep searching.

Or we can just take Crowley's back.

We nurtured that place. We built it from the ground up.

Are we just gonna let it be taken over by a bunch of kids?

No! Yes!

Our home has been infested by little ants.

And I say it's time we stomp them out!

I'm so attracted to you right now.

Bobby, there's no time. We gotta get rid of the ants!

And I say the only way we do that is to turn Crowley's into a place they don't want to be.

So all of those in favor of Operation Take Back Crowley's, say, "Aye!"

Aye! Really?

Can you please keep it down? No, we can't!

Oh!

Oh, sorry, little Sheffield.

Okay, people, if we're going to make this the worst bar ever, we have to stay strong.

Remember, we have to destroy Crowley's to save it.

That's one.

Okay, Steph. It's go-time. Do you copy?

I'm doing this under protest.

Don't make me say "copy."

Okay, but do you? Copy.

This way, ladies.

God, I hate flower ladies.

Look at them, selling flowers. Drives me crazy.

Uh, can I get everyone's attention, please?

Hi, uh...

We're starting a new tradition here at Crowley's.

"Open Mic Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays."

Uh, lots of jokes and songs.

Maybe some mime! Who knows?

Hope you guys are into it, all right.

Thanks for coming out. You guys are really cool.

Keep it up. Great energy.

Uh, what's up with dating?

Basically, you're saying, "I find you interesting. Let me spend 50 bucks on you."

Uh...

Hey, butterflies. It's like a stick of butter, but it flies?

That doesn't make any sense!

Plastic forks... Thanks for coming.

They don't even work.

Hey, what up with Kelly Ripa's arms?

Man, she could kick my butt!

Peace out.

♪ My girlfriend's a pineapple

♪ But she certainly ain't no peach ♪

By the way, I wasn't aware of this.

What is this?

Does it matter? It's doing its job.

This music hates everybody under 25.

No, this music hates everyone.

Dude, how long did you program the jukebox for?

Four hours! We're halfway there!

I can't take it anymore!

Just hold on! I feel like I'm going to have a seizure.

Oh, our table's free!

I told you! Thank you, creepy speed metal band!

Actually, I gotta go, dudes.

What? No! We just got our spot back!

No, I gotta go. I'm meeting Marcia back at my apartment.

I'm coming clean. So, wish me luck!

Wait, whoa, Kung Fu. What do you mean?

Yeah, are you sure you're ready?

I have to be. The lie is stressing me out.

Plus, there's an open house tomorrow. So come what may, it's time.

Oh! Oh!

Okay, kids, gotta a block of Slipknot coming up for you, but first,

it's the latest from Killswitch Engage.

I don't understand. What are we doing here? Where are we?

Marcia, I need to tell you something.

I knew it! It's the two week mark.

This is when I find out that you need to borrow 10 grand?

Your wife's about to get out of prison.

Is there a head in the freezer?

No! It's not that bad. It's a huge lie.

Uh, Marcia, this is my real place.

As in, you live here? With your other family?

No! I'm alone.

But that place on Webster belongs to a friend of mine.

I was just taking care of his plants.

So you pretended to live somewhere else?

Well, this is a new one.

Yeah, and I was going to tell you, but...

You liked that other place so much, and I like you.

And I want to be the guy you think I am. But I'm not.

I'm this guy.

And, um, I'm really sorry that I didn't tell you sooner.

I get it.

I'm a fox.

You did what you had to do to keep me.

Yeah.

Okay, well, let's see what you've got.

'Cause I'm not that impressed with this hallway.

Okay. I hope you like it.

Well, here goes.

Wait. Wait a second.

Okay, sweetie, I'm ready.

I can't believe we did it.

Those kids are finally gone.

Metal, baby, powerful stuff.

Welcome home, everybody.

What happened? Where's the cast of Jersey Shore?

I go to a Cubs game and they all disappear?

Yeah... I don't know.

Circle of life, Crowley.

Okay, you guys win.

But, it's on you to drink the 70 cases of Old Smile I'm stuck with.

Hey, did you enjoy those tickets, though?

I did. Jeff Samardzija got the win.

It was a weird one.

Uh-oh, Mike is asking us to come to his house.

Yeah, he's calling for backup.

Okay, wait. What's the plan if we find Mike in a ball, crying?

We take him to Indiana and get him on a riverboat.

That always helps his mood. Yeah.

Come in!

Oh, my God! What?

Whoa!

What? No way.

This place is...

Exactly like it's always been.

Yes! Unchanged! Tastefully unchanged!

You guys are crazy. Grab a beer.

You know where they are, in the fridge.

Oh!

Whoa! It's filled with beer and, like, three kinds of food!

Like always.

Like always!

Here, let me help you.

Oh!

This place looks amazing. I'm so proud of you.

Yeah, thanks, it feels really, really great.

So, Marcia, what do you think?

Was it worth it for Mike to sell the townhouse and get this one bedroom?

That's okay, Brendan. Mike told me everything.

I'm actually relieved.

That other place felt haunted.

Like some horrible man-monster lived there.

Yeah. That is true.

Hmm. Yeah, I love this place.

It feels like Mike.

Thanks. Yeah.

And, as long as we're coming clean with each other, Mike, I need to borrow 10 grand.

I'm kidding. I do.

No, come on. But do you think down the road, I could borrow $10,000?

No?

They are weirdly perfect for each other, aren't they?

Yeah.

Home is where the heart is. But still, it'd really be better if you had a sofa.