Original subtitles

One thing I've learned is that you can't make assumptions about people,

because sometimes they surprise you.

Aw, what a sweet kitty.

Yeah, she looks sweet, but... No! Don't!

What is that? Is that a purr?

I think it was a warning.

That monster belongs to Andy?

Yes, I'm taking care of Peaches while Andy waits for his pet visa.

I thought if I brought her here, she'd start to like me.

Let's play poker. Yeah.

Hey, guys.

Hey!

Well, it's over between me and Chrissy.

She finally placed where she knew me from.

It wasn't traffic school.

Apparently, in a past life, she and I were dolphins together.

Well, at least the story's cute.

She also said we can still breathe under water

and she'd like to meet in Lake Michigan.

Don't dolphins live in salt water?

Yeah. That's the problem.

It's kind of sad, but since I've been laid off,

this poker game is the only real structure to my week.

Me, too. At least you got classes coming up in the fall.

I feel like my grandmother, just sitting around all week waiting for NCIS: Los Angeles.

Is there really that much Navy crime?

Grandma loves LL Cool J.

And I gotta say it, the man is fit.

He's got me thinking about working out again.

Hey, you've got free time. You wanna be workout buddies?

I don't know, man. I actually used to work out a lot, but I got a little too intense.

What?

I can be intense.

I can.

You're still grinning. Really?

Yeah. How about now?

Huh? No, man.

Man, I am so sick of dealing with Andy's house and his cat.

Hey, Bobby, you are free during the day, would you mind...

I would love to, but Kenny and I are training for a triathlon.

Since when?

Just now, we made a pact. I can't let him down.

You made that pact 30 seconds ago!

Ooh! We could do a biathlon.

Is that the one with the guns?

Hey! Hey, what's up, pal?

Did you guys read about that guy who was dead for two years?

And none of his neighbors would have noticed

if he hadn't exploded in a heat wave?

How can people be so callous?

Well, you tell me, because I was sick as a dog and none of you seemed concerned.

I mean, my fever was going up so high, I started to hallucinate.

I called you every single day

and you told me you were fine and to stay away.

Yeah, when I called, you were hosting a dinner party with your Crimean War buddies.

Does anyone else hear that?

Oh, my God, I'm still in my room.

I never made it out.

Mike, it's okay, you're back, buddy.

You're with your friends P.J. and Bobby and Lord Cardigan.

I do remember one thing from last week, and that is that I realized

that I am ready for a real relationship.

Yeah, why's that?

Well, while I was puking my guts out,

I realized that I need someone to take me to the hospital. Or at least call an ambulance.

I wouldn't put that in your online dating ad.

I don't want to die alone. That's better.

It's funny. I've never had the fear of dying alone.

For me, it was always the fear of waking up to see the person I'm dating

pressing a knife into my heart and saying, "Shh."

You guys, there are smart, attractive, non-crazy women everywhere.

And somehow you two only manage to see the semi-drunk ones

stumbling around on stripper heels.

Well, you pick for me then.

Yeah, you can't do any worse than dolphin girl.

We need you to help us see.

You're like that kid in The Sixth Sense who can see dead people.

You're equating quality women to dead people?

Well, if they're over 30.

Hey-yo!

Okay, I can see that you are really ready, I am going to help you.

So you don't end up hopeless like this one.

Actually, I'll take the Brendo challenge.

You've taken him as far as you can go, Peej.

But, to thank me, you've got to take over Andy house duties.

Picking up the mail and checking the thermostat is a small price to pay

for you helping me find someone who will keep me from dying.

If you want immortality, you're going to need to find a vampire.

I've dated, like, three of those.

Wow.

Oh!

What more could a man want?

Robot butler?

Robot butler, will you get the door, please?

That one was a long shot.

Hi, uh, I'm your new neighbor, Marcia.

Um, I hate to mention this, but was that your dog barking last night?

Oh, no, I don't have a dog.

Oh, so, no dog?

Nope. Maybe it was your wife? Or your kids?

Nope, just me.

And my robot butler. Oh!

I have a cybernetic dog walker. We should get them together.

We gotta be careful, though.

When robots get together, they plot the demise of humans.

My last boyfriend came back through time to tell me that.

Hey, I'm Mike. Hi, Mike.

Well, I got to go get some sleep.

I'm getting up early tomorrow to look for women.

It was nice meeting you, though.

What have they done to the street? Is this even legal?

It's a farmer's market.

I have never seen anything like this.

It involves being awake before noon on a Sunday.

Yes, we're widening our horizons beyond Crowley's and the club.

There's actually grown women here.

Safe, sane women.

And you can observe these women and learn a lot about them.

Well, for instance, that woman right there, she's buying kale.

That means she's health conscious and she can cook.

Her butt looks weird in those sweats.

And she is buying expensive soap.

And it means she smells pretty, and not like the crowd at Ozzfest.

Oh, God!

Brendan! Get over here.

Sorry.

Her name's Buttercup. I got her card.

"Dancer, artiste, lover of things?" No.

Guys, you want a real relationship.

You've gotta shake off these old dead habits, you know?

Get a brand new mindset.

That way, you can recognize a real woman with potential when she comes along.

Just point to someone.

All right, she's right there.

Oh, I was totally focused on the pancake floozy.

Who, by the way, is digging me.

Mike, the journey of 1,000 steps begins with a single step

of ignoring the pancake floozy.

P.J.'s cool with us turning this into our workout room?

Yeah, she understands our lack of cash situation.

Oh, but we should shut the door. The cat's on the loose.

She let it out? Nope.

I also took the liberty of drawing up a little workout circuit for us.

Cool.

Let's get ripped. Oh, yeah!

Ooh, mac and cheese!

Now, are you extreme because you come with a brownie? Let's find out, my friend.

Let's find out, my friend.

Uh, hi, Mike... Marcia.

Oh, yeah.

Um, I think I got some of your mail by accident.

Um, but it's addressed to a Meredith. Is...

Is that a girlfriend?

Oh, no. She used to live here.

Oh.

New York Review of Books.

Why would anyone read a magazine of book reports?

So you can sound smart at parties.

Oh, I knew there was a trick.

So, I'm new to the neighborhood,

and I was thinking of trying that Thai place down the street.

Do you want to grab a bite?

Ooh, I kind of have a frozen kid's dinner I was looking forward to.

And you'd... You'd rather eat that?

Oh, it's got blue applesauce!

Oh, right, of course.

Gotta go, see you around, Melanie. It's Marcia...

Okay, switch it up!

I'm on the Gazelle. You blast out 50 crunches.

Crunches! Got it.

Give me a minute. No way, man!

Get right into it. Keep that heart rate up.

Totally. I just need a drink of water, I'll jog to the kitchen.

Loving it.

Oh, yeah! It's all coming back.

It burns, but it burns so good!

Get back here, Kenny! Get back here quick!

Oh, I think I'm going to die.

First, a magazine about books, now, a whole store of books?

I'm gonna get into a fight in this place.

Okay, we are here to test the skills you've developed over the last few days, okay?

Hey, Mike and I are going to take the stacks.

Okay, and we're going to take the espresso bar.

Okay, look around. What do you see?

Well, I definitely don't want the woman who's reading Why Men Marry Bitches.

Do I? Good instincts.

Now, who looks interesting?

What about the girl in new fiction?

Audrey, that's perfect.

She's my friend, she manages the store. She's awesome.

Wait a minute? You know her?

You're totally manipulating me.

Dude, you asked me to manipulate you.

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, okay.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. What?

Remember you are talking to a woman, okay?

So you're going to listen, observe, find common interests, and as always...

No bits, no lying, no lewd sound effects. Nothing lewd of any kind.

And inside voice.

You're really hamstringing me here.

Excuse me. Yes?

Is that the new Don DeLillo?

I was just reading about that in The New York Review of Books.

It's a bit stripped down for him, although Underworld was a little bloated.

I loved the part about stealing the baseball. Don't you think?

What are your thoughts? I'm listening.

All right, first, I want you to point out the craziest woman here.

Uh, easy.

The barista with the nose piercing and the neck tattoo.

Hates it here, hates her band.

I want to take her away from all of that.

Uh-uh, Brendan, stay with me. Focus.

Now, who's the most sane woman?

Mmm...

The one reading the Time magazine, with a purse too small to carry a human head.

Good, now you can go talk to her.

But no matter how much she likes you, or how well it goes,

you're going to leave this bookstore alone.

Why?

All right.

Hi, I'm Brendan. Um, do you believe in past lives?

No, I don't.

In that case, would you like to meet me for the first time?

Yes, if you can agree that that was the worst pickup line ever.

Got nowhere to go but up from here.

Yeah?

Obviously, you are ignoring my notes,

because your sprinklers keep flooding my azaleas.

Oh! You're Marcia.

Seriously? Wow.

It's hard to believe you have trouble meeting women.

No, I met one. I used that book report magazine trick.

I'm so happy for you. Now, can you fix the sprinklers?

I've got to be honest with you.

I can't find the controls for those sprinklers.

I can put a trash can over it.

Oh, none for me. Thanks, dude. Kenny either.

No? No.

Dude, we're in training.

What are you drinking then? Whey smoothie.

Well, this is a hops smoothie.

And it not only tastes good, but makes me happy.

And this makes me happy.

Just drink your mud shake there, Jack LaLanne.

Hey, how'd your woman search go?

Great. Thanks to P.J., I met Audrey.

Have you been to her dorm room yet?

As a matter of fact, Audrey is much closer to my age than you would think,

which is a good thing.

I'm not used to talking to a woman

who remembers the 1984 Cubs, let alone 1984.

Does she remember who Jack LaLanne is?

Because I just had to Google him.

Brendan, how did things go with Megan after I left?

Awesome. We actually had a really lovely afternoon together.

Walked her all the way home, didn't even go inside.

No sex yet.

I'm actually really looking forward to getting

a night of sleep with both eyes closed.

You know, you can join us, if you want.

We're going to a jazz concert tomorrow.

Who's we? Step two with Audrey.

Engage in an activity where you get to know her better.

Plus, I already invited her, so...

But does it have to be tomorrow?

Yes, Mike. A connection was made.

You've got to seize the day.

You gotta capitalize on it.

The good ones don't wait.

You're going to jazz.

In a bar? At a museum.

Mike is watching jazz at a museum.

To be a fly on the wall.

Oh, I promise, we are going to have fun.

Who's we?

You and me, fly on the wall.

No one is safe from jazz!

Wait. Us too?

Mmm-hmm. I love jazz.

Is it the museum with the submarine?

No. Art.

Art? Jazz? Books?

It's like the trifecta of boring.

Hey! Look who showed up.

Don't worry, man, I won't bust you too hard. This'll just be a warning.

Warning?

Yeah, next time, you owe me a set of squats for each minute you're late.

I'm sore.

I'm really sore. Why aren't you sore?

Your body's just adjusting, man.

You did this to me.

Tie my shoe?

It's just the lactic acid building up in your muscles.

You're actually sore from not working out.

I don't know.

I've not worked out a lot and never been this sore.

Trust me. We gotta get you back on the horse.

Here we go. Get ready for it!

Oh, hi. Do these look jazzy?

Okay, um, I got your note.

It said to see you. And you spelled my name wrong.

Right. I just wanted to apologize about the whole sprinkler thing.

I kind of felt like a jerk.

So, um, uh...

I bought you some new azaleas.

Those are marigolds. How do you know?

There's a card that says marigolds.

Yeah, look at that.

That was kind of sweet. And you look nice.

Oh, thanks. Oh, it's not for you. I have a date.

Well, don't let me keep you.

I'm actually kind of dreading it.

It involves jazz and a museum.

Well, enjoy it. I have a date, too.

He's giving me a root canal at the sewage treatment plant.

Or, uh, you and I could both go get some Thai?

No, actually I have plans.

Uh, I'm supposed to play floor hockey and drink beer.

And I'm supposed to have ice cream on the back of a unicorn.

No, the floor hockey and beer are real.

I'd ask you to come, but you have a date.

So, maybe another time.

Wait. I'm coming.

That jazz thing is more of a group thing, anyway.

I'm sure Mike is working late.

He has a great new job. I told you, right?

Yeah, great job. It sounds great.

Oh, it's great.

Brendan, did you want an egg salad sandwich?

You made that for me?

Could I put my arm around you?

Uh...

Please.

Put your arm around me, Kenny.

Put your head down a little.

Help me out. Ow! Just forget it.

I'm trying! You look nice.

You know, Audrey, the one thing you need to know about Mike is...

He's not coming.

What?

"Something came up."

Okay, he's not going to die alone,

because I'm going to kill him.

Hey, somebody's gonna have to shuffle for me.

Yeah, what'd you do to your shoulder, man?

I injured it. The doctor says I have to stay off it for a while.

Until it's less injured.

Aw, such a bummer. I know.

Well, we can just focus on legs for the next few days.

Or cardio. No!

Uh, the doctor specifically said no exercise.

Of any kind.

Dude! For how long?

I think, like, a year.

Hey. Aw, Mike.

You want my help. I introduce you to somebody I actually like.

And what do you do?

P.J., let me explain. What's to explain? You blew off my friend!

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt Audrey.

Don't worry. She's not hurt.

We all spent the better part of jazz

telling her what a grade A asshole you are.

There's a better part of jazz?

I know I screwed up. And I'm sorry, but...

It's because I met somebody.

Oh, no. It's not the pancake floozy.

No. It's not like that. She's real.

And you guys are totally gonna like her.

She's mean to me, but she's funny.

And we played floor hockey and we drank beers.

Dude. Make something up. You had time.

You don't understand. I'm not describing it right.

But I did exactly what you said.

We got to know each other.

While you drank in gym class.

You told me to seize the day, so I seized the day!

Trust me. You'll see when you meet her.

Hey, guys. Sorry we're late. Movie ran long.

I hope you guys don't mind me crashing your game.

I was just going to sit and read.

I won't distract or anything.

Not at all. Would you care for a drink?

I'm okay. Go play.

Okay.

Good luck, B. Thanks, Megan.

It's weird.

The lack of crazy is unnerving.

You have my permission to take it to the next level.

Oh, well, we'll see. No rush.

Wait a second. Has anyone seen Peaches in a while?

Not me.

That usually means she's planning something.

Um, guys?

She tamed the beast.

Both beasts.

I don't think Kenny's really injured.

Why would he lie?

'Cause he's bitching out.

He's what now?

He's faking it.

Watch, I saw this in a movie once.

I'm going to drop this, his reflexes will kick in and he's going to catch it.

Be right back.

Oh, hey, Kenny.

Ah! What are you doing?

Ah! I knew it! Your arm's not really hurt. You're a faker.

Yeah? Well, you're way too intense,

and you're making this whole thing not fun at all.

Wow, man. It's happening again.

This is why I had to quit the crew team.

It's like my body turns fat into intensity.

Apparently, my body turns fat into pain.

I'm sorry, man.

I look at how unbelievably ripped my arms are

and I can't stop.

They're all right. They're fantastic.

But I don't want them to hurt our friendship.

I think I need to stop working out,

or at least stop working out with weaklings.

Hey! Dude, I'm sorry.

It's not me talking, it's my biceps.

You think the YMCA will buy back our medicine ball?

I kind of doubt it.

Oh, no! Did Peaches get to you?

Nope. But I did figure out why she likes Megan so much.

Turns out, Megan is her leader.

She's got, like, 40 cats.

You're joking. No, no. No, no.

She's a crazy cat lady.

Yeah. And I would just like to point out,

that if I had slept with her the first night,

I would have known that,

and I wouldn't have had to hurt her, oh, so fragile feelings.

How did she take it?

Not well.

I mean, even when I brought her Peaches as a peace offering,

all she said was, "Attack, kitties! Attack!"

Wow, Brendan.

You really know how to find the crazies.

All right, maybe I do.

But the Brendo way means that I find out quick.

Getting to know somebody just leads to uncomfortable conversations

and tears that are licked away by little rough tongues.

So, sling?

I heal fast.

I hope your face heals as fast as his arm.

What happened, uh... Oh, crazy cat lady.

Ah. What's with the, uh...

Oh, bitching out. Ah.

Hey, guys, this is Marcia.

Marcia, this is the guys, and P.J. and Stephanie.

Hi, I'm the one Mike blew off your friend for.

As someone who's been blown off by jerks like Mike before,

I'd like to apologize.

No, it's okay. It's not your fault.

I dangled floor hockey and beer in front of him.

It wasn't a fair fight.

P.J., I have to thank you.

I don't think I would've noticed Marcia without you.

And for the first time,

I feel like I'm not going to decompose on the kitchen floor.

That's the most weirdly romantic thing I've ever heard you say.

He is weirdly romantic, isn't he?

You've got half that right.

That's why Marcia's so great. She's like a female Kenny!

Yeah, that made me really uncomfortable, too.

You want a drink?

I'll have a Scotch that's just a little bit out of your price range.

Right away, m'lady.

And just when you've given up on someone,

they turn it around.

So Marcia, where did you guys meet?

We're neighbors. We're just across the driveway from each other.

His sprinklers were killing my plants.

His sprinklers?

Yeah. Well, I just moved there,

and I have to say, everyone in the neighborhood is so nice.

I swear, we have the best block on Webster.

Webster.

My brother used to live on Webster. Really?

Well, Mike couldn't fix the sprinklers,

but I have to say, he's got great taste.

I can't believe he didn't use a decorator.

Oh, oh, no. He most certainly did not use a decorator.

He may not even know what one is.

Yeah, Marcia, Mike is just full of surprises.

That he is. You just wait.

What?