Original subtitles

Sometimes it's hard to be faced with the truth, so we pretend not to see it.

Well, I can handle Megan Fox. Says who?

I just took the "Can you handle Megan Fox?" quiz. It says I can.

Bulge magazine? Really?

You want me to read. I'm reading.

Hey, Robert, I'm going to go to the bar, uh, to order a drink.

Would you care to join me?

Uh, I can see that you're trying to communicate with me, and I want to know what it is,

so, yes.

"How to get her to bring her palz into bed"?

With a "Z"?

Well, they have movie reviews, too. They gave Hurt Locker three thumbs up.

Those aren't thumbs.

Okay, this is of the utmost secrecy.

Business at the store is...

Well, there is no business at the store. That's too bad.

Yeah, and I gotta make some money,

so I have a job interview with the Bulls' PR department.

Well, that's great!

But I haven't done the whole "dark socks/job interview" thing in quite a while.

Maybe you can help me prep? Of course!

That sucks about the store, though. I feel bad for Kenny. What'd he say?

No. I can't tell him.

I really think you need to warn him. Like, as soon as possible.

Who wants to have that conversation?

No, I'll tell him when the time is right.

Now, listen. This is a "super secret code red can't tell anybody" situation.

Hey, you copy? Yeah.

Hey, you guys! Hey!

Hey, you guys remember - my sister, Tracee, right? - Yeah!

Yeah, she's staying with me for a little while.

Oh, what happened to... Derrick? Got really sick.

Sorry to hear that.

Came down with a case of dickhead-itis.

Ah, yes.

Oh, and we're going to that Mongolian barbecue place tomorrow

to celebrate her freedom.

Galbi? I love that place.

No matter what I put on my plate, they just mix it on that grill and...

And it all comes out looking the exact same! Like a giant pile of brown...

Extremely delicioso...

Glop! Yes! Love it! In. When?

Tomorrow, 8:00. We'll see you there? Done.

Oh, Mike, we gotta take a trip up to Fond du Lac.

Estate sale. Guy's got a bunch of great Packers stuff.

I'm in! Really?

Yeah, we can use my nephew's pickup.

Okay, well, I gotta get home and file my story by 10:00, so...

I'll see you guys.

Uh-huh. I'll be right there.

Okay, oh, my God, this is perfect.

"How often do you and your chick get fluffy in the barnyard?"

Well, in a perfect world, my chick and I would get fluffy twice a day.

Please. You'd die in a week.

Okay, it says here 16 times a month!

That's ridiculous.

Four times a week? That seems low.

What? Three times a week for us, minimum.

Plus Free Skate Thursday.

Wait. What do you mean, "Free Skate Thursday"?

No, don't ask. Please, that's... No, don't...

I'm sorry. Four times a week is low?

Well, you tell us. You're dating someone. That means guaranteed...

Does four times a week seem low?

I don't know.

Oh, look. Avatar got six bulges.

Yeah, but they gave John Mayer's new album

four "humuna-humunas" and a "schwing" and it's not that great.

Yeah! You like that?

Oh!

Hey.

Hey, Peej!

Dude, I'm playing this kid from Latvia. He's, like, 14, but he's awesome.

Mmm.

Aw, thanks, babe. No way! In there? Well, go get it! Hurry up! Hurry up!

Hey, I am going to go take a bath and go to bed.

I'm just going to be in the bath.

Some candles and some bubbles and...

Okay, babe. I'll try not to wake you.

To my girlfriend, Reini, because I'm a grown man.

Oh, no! You're shooting me! You're shooting me!

No matter how hard we pretend, it's impossible to ignore the truth.

So where's Bobby at? Oh, he'll be here.

He, uh, needed a nap after work.

Oh, 'cause I got home after 3:00 a.m. and he was still up playing that video game.

Yeah, I was sound asleep when he came to bed.

That's not right. A man should be in bed with his lady.

Can I just say that if you were my lady...

Which I'm not. And don't say, "My lady."

But, if you were, we wouldn't be playing good army vs. bad army.

We'd be playing Mike vs. your pants.

You gotta get a girlfriend, man.

Is that why you were so bent out of shape about the "four times a week"?

"Bent out of shape" is a little strong.

Oh, you've hit it. You're there.

You've reached the NTO.

No! Wait, what is that?

The NTO, all right? The Natural Tapering Off. Every relationship has one.

The red-hot lava-passion has to cool.

I mean, without the NTO,

you would burn each other up with your fiery love blaze power rods.

Ew. So many times.

Happens to everyone.

Well, usually it happens in the eighth year of marriage, but you're an old soul.

There's nothing to be ashamed of, okay?

Every relationship needs to cool off a little bit.

Okay, so there's nothing to worry about, right? I mean, it's not...

Me?

No. Guys are thick. Just be straightforward. Tell Bobby how you feel.

I don't want to say something and then have sex.

I won't know if it's, you know, pity...

Pity sex or what. I just...

I want him to want me.

I'm sure he does. Don't panic.

It's natural. Just give him a little nudge. I'm sure he'll perk up.

You've been in a relationship long enough that you've actually reached the NTO.

Okay? I haven't had that in a long time.

Whose fault is that? It ain't my fault.

Dude, they always do something.

You know, whether they're finishing my pancakes,

or they're wearing their hair in the pigtails, or they're doing the baby talk.

I mean, one "Bwendan," it's time for me to fake a tapeworm.

Kenny, you okay, man?

No, I just came from the accountant. I gotta shut the store down,

but I can't fire Mike. It'll kill him.

No, dude, I think he'd be okay.

You really should tell him.

Nah, I'm just going to burn the store down, collect the insurance money.

I know a guy.

Yeah, but you always said "that guy" was Mike.

Besides, you'd never survive jail.

Wrong. Step 1: Find your hustle. Cigarettes, magazines.

Step 2: You find the biggest guy there, you throw a chair at him.

Listen, you gotta promise not to tell anybody about this.

Oh, man...

Hey, how was business today?

Same.

We'll rebound. Yeah, we will. We'll come back stronger!

Actually, I've been meaning to talk to you about a mini-mall in Schaumburg.

Are we talking expansion? That's why we're partners!

Oh, my God.

I want to live here.

I am so happy.

Kenny, you don't have any vegetables on your plate at all.

You're gonna get scurvy.

Only pirates and models get scurvy. And I have a vegetable, thank you.

Water chestnut? That's a nut.

So, Brendan, Stephy tells me you collect concert posters?

Yeah, of course. Do you know Justin Hampton?

I love Justin Hampton, he's a genius! He has an exhibit on Thursday

and DJ Turnbuckle is spinning.

Seriously? We're going to that. I know we are!

DJ Turnbuckle! And Justin Hampton!

That's completely meaningless to me! Me, too!

We're going to take these great aphrodisiacs

asparagus, oysters, chocolate,

we're going to put them into one meal that says, "Let's get it on!" Right?

First thing we're going to do is, we're going to chop up this asparagus...

P.J.? What are you doing here?

Seriously? What are you doing here?

Bobby wanted to see me in a suit! I thought you went to the gym?

I did. Um, I actually got some oysters and chocolate mousse

and a movie.

Why are you in a suit?

You can tell her, but that is it.

Mike has a job interview. Oh. Tell Kenny?

He's not telling Kenny. Dude, you have to.

I will tell him when it is time for that.

Until then, it is time for me to get the Bulls job.

And now you know my life.

Can you pretend to be the head of HR?

Well, actually, I was hoping that, um...

We could make some dinner and curl up to

a very particular movie.

Yeah, what do you need?

Just sit here. Ask him these questions.

Wow.

Oysters and mousse! Thanks.

Yeah, no problem.

"What experience prepares you for this position?" "Prepairs"? P-R-E-P-A-I-R?

That is an excellent question, HR Lady.

I think...

Dude, I love this movie. I forgot Mickey Rourke used to look like a person!

Yeah, and Kim Basinger was so hot, you actually forgot how crazy she is.

Night, Peej.

Well, that's great. No, thank you so much, Barbara. And may I call you Babs?

Okay, I won't. No, no. I'll see you Monday.

Sha-pow! Dude!

"J" to the "O" to the "B" to the "B"...

One too many "B's." I got the job, buddy!

Congrats! And now you can break the news to Kenny.

No, no, no. Dude, I haven't even given him notice.

No, use your head, okay?

You have to tell him. What? Are you just gonna stop showing up for work?

No, I'll just rock both jobs until the store turns around and he doesn't need me.

And when you say "rock both jobs,"

what's your solution to the can't-literally-be- in-two-places-at-once thing?

Surgery, dead aunt, time-space continuum... I'll figure it out.

Dude, please. I'm getting a stomachache.

So I spent $65 on food and now I have a crisper full of oysters.

You guys are just in a rut, all right? You gotta shake things up to get out of it.

I'm not bringing my "palz" in the bedroom.

Hey, my friend, you have assets which you generally do not work, all right?

Time to work them.

Okay, like how?

Well, if it was Mike, I'd say rent a fluffy bunny outfit, but, uh...

Schoolgirls, sexy librarians, old as time.

Okay, so just to be clear,

you are suggesting I actually dress as a librarian.

A sexy librarian. Look, come on, you can do this.

Show me what you look like with your hair up.

Go on.

Wow, your hair is smoking like that!

Why would I say that? What's wrong with me?

Go get me a drink and I want a small bowl of nuts.

Brendo, come with me.

What are your intentions with my girlfriend's sister?

Well, we're going to the Justin Hampton show. What do you mean?

If you screw up, I will have both Layne sisters sitting in my living room

glaring at me, saying things I don't want to hear.

"Why do men always" and "That's just like a man" and "Even Kenny here..."

Dude, we're gonna have a good time, all right? Relax. I've been on a million dates.

That doesn't help, okay? I'm just saying, if you mess this up, you're dealing with her.

Wine!

- Hey, guys. - Hey.

Hey. Where'd you run off to after lunch, Mike?

Oh, yeah, Mike, why don't you tell the man where you ran off to?

I had some kind of surgery. What?

Hey, I had an idea for the Schaumburg store. Online auctions!

That's my partner. Always thinking.

Did you hear yourselves?

I love working with you, man.

Me, too, we should do it forever.

Wow.

Boop!

Brendan?

Hey!

Hey...

Isn't this great?

So great. Look at your hair.

Oh, it's my "fun mood" hair. I'm in a fun mood.

Ah.

You wanna get some wine? Maybe a lot of it? Absolutely!

Mommy needs awot of wine, Bwendan!

Ooh, they have a Shiwaz!

So here you go. I brought you the Louboutins.

So now are you going to tell me what's going on between you and Bobby?

Oh, no, it's nothing. It's just...

I think we're in a little bit of a rut.

How long has it been? Honestly, since before he moved in.

Mmm, well, what does Bobby say about this?

Oh, no, no, no. Nobody wants to have that conversation.

No, no, no. I'm just going to get out of this rut with some red shoes.

Why do you hurt me? These aren't shoes. These are Louboutins.

These are incendiary devices. I couldn't even carry these in a paper bag.

Otherwise, the bag would... I know what incendiary means.

Okay. Fine. But be careful, Bobby won't be responsible for his actions.

Reini, you're complaining to the wrong guy.

Okay, hold on. Let me get to the train station.

Hello, Mr. Newman.

Hey! Are we

having sundaes?

Sort of.

It's my girlfriend. I don't know, she's dressed like she's running for president.

Oh, it sure is hot in this library.

Oh!

I really have no idea.

What...

No, no, no. No, Reini. She's not with Falcon,

because it's a game and we're not fighting in a real war.

I don't want to have this conversation again.

Mmm.

Mmm!

Whoa! Peej!

Huh.

Wow. That's in a knot.

That went well. What are you doing?

No, not you, Reini! Get back in the roundhouse!

Hey. Oh, hey, man.

Uh, I got a Tracee problem.

You mean, like, a problem with how much you like her?

Or, like, a problem figuring out when you should propose?

Date 2 did not go well. Okay? She had "fun mood" hair.

I'm out. Oh, dude!

Hey, guys. Hey.

What's going on? Brendo's ruining my life.

Yeah? Tracee? Not feeling it? Not feeling it.

Well, you better start feeling it, okay?

'Cause I got two sisters complaining about everything.

I have to clean my toothbrush. You have to what?

You know, I gotta clean off the toothbrush handle.

Yeah, the toothpaste ooze settles down into the toothbrush mug.

Drives them crazy.

And that is why I'm single. That's not why you're single.

Why don't you just tell Stephanie you think her sister's ugly.

What's the problem?

That's why you're single.

I can't, man. Would you want to tell Stephanie you're not into her sister?

I mean, dude, come on. You've got to help me out here.

Brendo, this is between you and Stephanie. I'm talking to a ghost.

Yeah, I'm gonna need one of these.

What are you so dressed up for? Um, funeral.

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, my God.

Brendan, how did your date go with Tracee?

How did she say it was? Great.

She said it was great. It was. It really was.

Okay, that is it! You know what? People just need to say what is on their minds!

Right now! I mean, we all know that everybody at this table is lying a little bit, okay?

So it's time that people come clean.

Brendan?

Are you lying about my sister?

All right, Steph, look, your sister's great, okay?

I just... I'm so busy right now.

What are you talking about?

Well, my therapist, I mean,

said that I shouldn't even date anybody for, like, a year, so, you know...

You're not in therapy.

Well, also, um,

I don't date women of color.

What?

What about Monica Lambert in college? She was black.

Was she?

Oh, Brendo, this is your bottom.

So you'd rather come off as a racist than say you don't want to date my sister?

Look, I'm sorry, Steph. I like her. I really do. I just...

I don't know. I don't see us having a future together.

Can you believe that? You're ruining my life!

Plus, her sister is a terrific woman.

Kenny, Kenny, it's okay. Okay, calm down.

Sometimes two great people don't gel. It's okay.

Sorry, Steph. No worries, honey.

Tracee's a big girl. So what are you gonna tell her?

Oh, I'm gonna tell her that Brendan hates black people.

Mike, what about you? Did you have something you want to say?

I like black people. Mike!

Kenny, I can't work at the store anymore, because I got a new job.

With the Bulls. And I started today,

so I quit.

Oh, my God, that's great! Really?

Yeah, it's great because you're fired! No way!

Yeah. I met with the accountant. He says we gotta close the doors.

That's great! Well, it's not that great.

But I'm glad to know that you're gonna be all right.

There we go. Doesn't that feel good to just clear the air?

I mean, we're all friends here, guys,

so if we're not being honest with each other, what are we even doing?

Yes.

Oh, come on. Do I have to?

Everybody up. Come on. No, I have jacks!

Don't care. Let's go.

Where are we going? Brendo's room.

Really?

What's going on?

I read this stupid article about how often couples have sex.

And, I mean...

We haven't, you know, since you moved in.

And I'm kind of worried that something's wrong.

And then Brendo told me about the NTO...

Brendo?

You should have talked to me.

No, I know that, but if I talked to you, it would skew the results.

And then Mike agreed. Mike?

Mike? You talked to Mike about this? I find that very confusing.

I've never been in here. No, me neither.

This place smells funky.

All right, take it easy.

Dude, what is that smell?

Sock? Gerbil? You have a gerbil?

Yeah, I'm 8.

I'm just...

I'm afraid you don't find me attractive anymore.

Peej, what are you talking about? I...

I find you incredibly sexy.

I mean, you're gorgeous and you don't take crap from anybody

and you know Kerry Wood's ERA his rookie year.

It's 3.4.

God, I want you.

But so then why are we tapering off?

I mean, my feelings haven't tapered off, you know?

I don't want to taper off.

It's not you.

I guess...

I don't know. I guess I just haven't felt very sexy lately.

Like I've lost all my mojo or something.

I don't know. Maybe it's just the stress of everything crashing down,

and my family, and no apartment,

no money.

Yeah, but, babe, none of that matters to me.

But I thought chicks were into straight cash dollars.

What are we gonna do? This level of disorganization makes me uncomfortable.

Can you hear them? Are they still out there?

I'm not nosing in their business.

Kenny, listen at the door.

I don't want to press my face against Brendo's door. What if it sticks?

I don't fling things! I'm not a monkey.

Listen, we are going to have to go through stuff like this,

but we have to be able to talk about it.

I know. Wow, we're really, like, in a relationship.

I know. It's a brave new world.

Hey, uh, you want to know what Greg Maddux's career ERA is?

Oh, don't do that.

Oh, it's 3.16.

Oh, yeah, it is.

We at least need our beers.

I can't take this anymore. Let's just pick which one of us we're going to eat.

I'm not going out there.

Peej, I need my phone.

I gotta pee and all my jars are full.

Even though it's embarrassing, and sometimes painful,

it's always best to face the truth.

With eyes wide open.

Please! Just slide a piece of pizza under the door.