Original subtitles

You know those assumptions about gender and sports?

That men like sports where you throw balls

or hit people, and women like sports with tights?

I've never found those to be true.

Well, except for one...

Put it down, Bobby.

But I bet it makes a cool sound.

Don't you think it makes a cool sound?

Come on. You said you would behave if I brought you here.

Hi.

Hey, sorry about that. My interview with ESPN went a little bit long.

I'm Brian. P.J. Franklin.

It's a pleasure to meet you, ma'am.

Ma'am?

Oh!

It's just so rad!

And, uh, have you met my son, Bobby?

No worries. The perk of my job is getting to play with a lot of cool toys.

If you can call an 850 horsepower car a toy.

Hey, I'm Bobby Newman. With the Tribune. Yeah, pleasure.

Wow, that's a killer handshake.

You gotta work out for something like that?

Nothing special. I go to the gym, rock climb, kayak...

When I really want a thrill, I go sky diving.

Hey, where's your fire suit?

It's on the back of the car. You wanna try it on?

No. You know, there's a lot of talk about races being more physical this year.

Is that something you're seeing in the NASCAR Nationwide Series?

Yeah, we really have been...

Dude, this helmet is so heavy! How strong is your neck?

Whoa, it sounds weird in here! Can you guys even hear me?

I think he cured the Make-A-Wish kid while we were standing there.

I'm pretty sure I've met the man P.J.'s gonna leave me for.

And I'm okay with it.

Oh, I don't know, Bobby. You were the one that was completely enamored.

Sounds like a pretty cool guy.

No, no, no. See, I'm a guy. You're a guy.

That was a man.

What's the difference?

Oh, gosh. I don't know, for me, it's about

responsibility, honesty, intelligence...

Blah blah blah.

These are all abstract concepts. Like justice. Or electricity.

It just so happens this magazine might have some answers.

"100 Things a man should be able to do."

Bulge magazine?

It's one of those laddy mags.

Actually, it has some really interesting articles.

In between the pictures of boobs.

Yeah.

Everything's better with boobs.

"How to turn your girlfriend into a slut."

"How to get rid of your slutty girlfriend." Ugh.

This man list isn't so bad.

"A man should know how to start a fire."

"Chop down a tree." "Find his way out of the woods."

That's archaic.

These are skills that have no place in the modern world.

Oh, come on, guys. "Change a tire"? "Jump-start a car"?

You can do all this stuff, can't you?

Oh, my God! I can do all of this stuff.

Bulge doesn't like know-it-alls.

Okay. Here's what we're going to do.

We're going to put skills in a bag and you guys are gonna pick them out

and try to do them. Okay? Brendan, you in?

I already have a girlfriend, so I no longer have anyone I need to impress.

Are we ever going to meet this mystery girl?

Yeah, yeah. Actually, she's gonna meet me here in a couple of minutes.

Okay, I'm just going to start writing a few of these down. "Perform an oil change."

"Buy P.J. flowers."

"Change P.J.'s shower head."

If you want a new shower head, I could put that in for you.

I didn't know you were handy.

I mean, I think it's the least I can do for letting me live with you

now that I'm homeless.

Actually, Brendan has already cornered the market on the "least you can do."

Hey, Brendo!

Oh! Hey, guys, this is Ashley.

Ashley, the guys.

Hey.

Hi.

Oh, you must be P.J. I'm a writer, too.

Oh, wow, really?

Yeah. It's just such an honor to meet you, ma'am.

Well, we better get going, Brendo.

My friend's ukulele band is playing and if you're late, you miss the Tater Tots.

Peace!

See you, buddy.

Did you all notice... Yes.

She's way too... Yep.

I don't know. Bulge says the proper age for a girl is half your age plus seven.

Oh, screw that.

Mike, I can't believe you can't tie a tie.

Didn't you go to Catholic School?

Hey, Father Perez tied my tie the first day of fifth grade

and I have lovingly preserved it ever since.

Hey, this is a great painting, man.

Did you get it from the gas station guy who sells those tiger print blankets?

It's a Goya.

Yes. He threw it in for free with a neon beer sign.

Cool.

Can I have it? Yeah.

All right, so what did you guys think of Ashley?

Do you buy her a children's ticket at the movies?

Did you meet her at the American Girl tea house?

I enjoyed watching your date on To Catch a Predator.

Your turn, Bobby.

No, no. Dude, I am completely supportive.

I think it is awesome that you're helping her study for her SATs.

All right, all right. Yes, she's 22, so she's a little bit younger.

But, I mean, she's very mature.

If you have to describe a girl as "mature," she's too young.

She's so young, Mike thinks she's young.

She's not some dumb chick. You saw the glasses.

You know, she's into really good books and music and stuff. Dude, she's cool.

Yeah, yeah. Cool. Hey, how was that ukulele concert?

Dude, actually it was awesome. They did all of Dark Side of...

Oh, you're mocking me.

You know, when I go out with her friends, they're a lot nicer.

Yeah, because they need you to buy them beer.

Oh, hey. Hey.

Hi, hi. I'm sorry I'm late. You know what?

Just let me wash my hands. They let children on the "L" again.

So the rabbit goes around the tree, then down the hole.

Is my neck the tree?

Oh, my God. What?

You have a Hydrochief 300 shower head!

Bobby installed it.

Wow, Bobby.

It was no big deal. In fact, if you have anything else you want done around the house,

I would be more than happy.

Oh, wow. Okay. I'll make a list.

It'll be so nice having a man around the house.

Ooh, that sounded like a jab at you.

Okay, P.J., we need a judgment.

Eh, close enough. Yes!

Hey, take another handful out of the Man Sack.

We gotta rename that.

What's this game?

Oh, this magazine has a list of all the things a man should be able to do.

Was the magazine Highlights?

"Cook a perfect steak."

Let's do it!

Hey, I was saving those...

Looks like we're having pizza and steak.

Okay, you guys. I need your help.

Does anyone have an idea for my new book?

Oh, why don't you take our lives, thinly veil our names

and air all of our personal problems?

Oh, oh, no, wait, you already did that one.

So, wait, is the movie not happening anymore?

No, no, no! It's happening. They're talking to Kate Hudson to play me.

And Wanda Sykes to play my sassy friend, P.J.

So we should probably order that pizza, huh? Where's the number?

I think it's down there, by the phone.

What is this?

Hey, that's the to-do list I made Brendan two years ago.

Oh! Is that where that went?

Uh, hey, Peej? Do you put water on a grease fire or not?

You cover it? Why?

Why?

Kenny, what did you do?

You know, if you're smart, man, you will throw that list out right now.

Yeah, but how would we order the pizza?

She's gonna want you to do that list, Mr. Showerhead.

And if you do, she will own you.

I'm just trying to be helpful, man.

Be helpful every now and then. But don't set a precedent.

Look, I'm selfish, okay?

I don't want to establish work as something you do

in exchange for not paying rent, but...

But you pay rent, right?

Look, I'm just saying you don't want to be

too good at a job that you don't want to do.

So, we just put out a fire and now we're going to remove some stains.

We are burning through that list.

Okay, wait a second. You're going to fix things,

while I just lounge around and write?

I feel like I'm living in a coffee commercial.

Yeah, I think I'll start with the, uh, leaky sink.

Are you sure? I can just call the super.

No, Peej, we don't need to call anybody. I can take care of it.

Okay, good. Because Vinnie is mean.

And he does an impression of me that is not at all flattering.

Yo, morning.

Hey. Morning.

Whew! I am beat.

Hey! But that's for my coffee commercial.

Crazy crazy night, last night. Me and Ashley went to this club that had a password

and saw one of these hip bands that play these ironic sea shanties.

It's a thing.

Like, a good thing?

Okay, Brendo. You don't need to pretend, all right? You're with us! Come on.

We're not 22. We're not going to make out with you on a futon.

Whatever, dude. I had a blast, all right?

You don't have to mock me just because you guys are all old and domestic.

Well, speaking of domestic, I am off to use tools

and, later on, she will come and hand me beer.

Whoa!

Uh, honey, I will definitely not want you to come in here

and bring me a beer for at least a while.

So, Bobby's doing some plumbing, huh?

Oh, yeah. It's so great he's pitching in.

Although it is taking him a little while...

What's wrong with you?

Oh, after the poetry slam last night, Ashley and I went to midnight broomball.

Apparently, 40 ounces of pear cider

and running on ice in street shoes does not mix.

Mmm. Who would've thought?

Anyone out of college.

Mmm. That feels so good. Are you done with the sink, babe?

Oh, my God. What are you doing?

"Learn to rub a woman's neck."

Not mine.

Fine, but I consider this task completed.

Hey, Brendan.

Brendan! Go get Bobby, tell him we're ready.

Hey, how's it going?

It's going all right.

Don't you think you're laying it on a bit thick?

I mean, you want P.J. to call a plumber, not think you're a complete buffoon.

Brendo, dude, I know what I'm doing. Okay?

Oh, I get it.

Go play poker. I'll be there in a minute.

Wow, I guess a sink does have a lot of parts.

That doesn't sound like he's almost done.

If we're not going to play, guys, I gotta bail.

Ashley just invited me to a flash mob pillow fight.

You say a lot of words that make no sense together.

Oh, it's this thing, you get a text,

and you all show up in Millennium Park, bring pillows.

What?

You're bailing to be in a mass pillow fight? No.

Dude, it'll be cool.

All right, I'll bite. What makes a flash mob cool?

It's like, how do I say this? It's... It sorta represents, like,

the power that... That people have, uh... When you, um...

You know Twitter brought down the Iranian government.

No. It didn't.

Oh, dude. Look at you.

What?

Dude, you're killing yourself to keep up with some young, hot, crazy chick again.

It's a pattern.

Dude, she's not crazy. She knitted this.

You're wearing a winter hat. It's August.

I like her.

Don't you think you're dating her to preserve some image you have of yourself.

It is okay not to be a hipster anymore.

That's not why I'm dating her.

Yeah, but you're exhausted. You can't keep up.

Come on. Stay with us. Let's go play poker.

No. Dude, I like her, okay?

I'm having fun. And before you make fun, my hoodie is comfy

and keeps my head warm.

You don't need two hats!

Hey, Bobby, Brendo's bailing on us. We really need you to...

Wow. A sink really does have a lot of parts.

I'll be right there. Okay?

Um, hey, babe...

You know, I really appreciate you trying,

but I can just suck it up and call the super...

I don't need you to call anyone!

I just need everybody to stop backseat plumbing for, like, five minutes! Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

I mean, what is it about home improvement that turns men into jerks?

I mean, Bobby totally snapped at me.

Wow. Bobby doesn't snap.

I know! He snapped.

It was like when a little cocker spaniel bites the face off a baby.

That doesn't sound like Bobby.

So this is brunch? It's nice.

Kenny, you said you weren't going to interrupt.

Do you guys always go to brunch just to complain about guys?

Oh, no. They also serve mimosas.

So do you think I should call this mean super and just have done with it.

Oh, no, honey. I wouldn't do that.

You cannot do that. He has something to prove.

Like what?

That he can be a man.

Oh, no. Bobby's not like that.

All guys are like that. Otherwise, I'd be sipping a mimosa.

They look really good.

Just let him work this through

and wash your vegetables in the bathroom for a while.

Kenny, didn't you get my text? I think I found a bull we can outrun.

Ooh, is that a spinach frittata?

Excuse me.

Hey! Get your hands off my eggs.

And, as Kenny's girlfriend, I am vetoing "Run with the bulls." Pick again.

All right, but you owe me for one red sweater.

Ha-ha! Man Sack!

"Use a compass." Boring!

"Write a love letter." I'm not a lady.

All right, hey. Wait. You guys are cheating.

Come on. It's luck of the draw.

Do the very next one?

Yes. Okay.

"Throw a punch."

"Take a punch."

Fate has spoken.

Wait!

Whew!

Hey! This is a brunch place!

I'll e-mail that to you.

So... I totally don't need help. Like, I got this.

But, if you really insist on calling the super...

No, no. Why would I do that? You are making some serious progress.

No, I believe you can do this.

Really?

Oh, good. Thanks for the vote of confidence, babe.

Sure.

I'm pretty sure there's a plumbing app for the iPhone.

Did you want me to check?

Oh, Ashley. That's a really great idea,

but, um, I think Bobby can handle this.

Hmm.

Hey.

I brought wine and cheese for our concert in the park!

I brought half a bowl of pistachios

because I can't get into my refrigerator without a canoe!

All right. Let's see it.

Does it show?

No.

Yeah, well, Kenny has a little more power than you'd think looking at him.

That's looking pretty good, there, Bobby.

But, uh, I think you might want to tighten the fly wheel.

You know what, dude? Fine. Fine. Okay. That is it.

Why don't you show me how it's done? Okay? Go ahead.

It's "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day."

I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that.

That's... Super inappropriate.

Dude, what are you doing? Flues and things are supposed to be open.

We're lighting a fire.

All right, put it out.

But we already did that one.

"I shall be telling this with a sigh

"Somewhere ages and ages hence

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I

"I took the road less traveled by

"And that made all the difference"

"Learn a poem by heart."

That, bitches, was former poet laureate Jack Frost.

Robert.

Same difference.

Hey, Jonathan Safran Foer is boxing Dave Eggers for charity.

We'd better jam.

Ashley, uh, we got kind of a situation here.

But I want to go.

Yeah, but, um...

I'll totally make it up to you. Huh?

We'll make some pasta, you know,

open a bottle of wine, watch a movie?

If I wanted to do that, I could have stayed at home with my parents.

Come here a second.

Yes, but you see, this way, um, I can help my friends out and then you and I...

You know what we could do tonight?

We could go to that rockabilly square dance.

Yeah, that... That sounds...

Just awful.

I'm done trying to keep up. I like my friends.

And some day, you are going to learn that the words

"let's just open a bottle of wine"

are the most beautiful words in the entire English language.

Okay? And if that makes me older,

then I'm okay with that.

Whatevs. It's probably time I started dating a girl, anyway.

See ya.

Let her go, man.

Yeah...

It's the super.

I'll get it!

You want to tell me why it's raining downstairs?

We have issues in the kitchen.

Oh, you have "issues in the kitchen"?

What the hell is this?

I am so sorry. You know, what I think is...

"I am so sorry."

Okay, why don't we just let him have some room, huh?

Hey, Bobby. Um...

Look, I just want you to know that I didn't call the super.

And I really appreciate everything you've done.

And you know the fact that the situation got a little hairy is not,

you know, a reflection on you.

What?

You know, the situation is not a comment on your masculinity.

Why would it be a "comment on my masculinity"?

'Cause that's what Stephanie said. And Kenny!

What? What did they say?

You know, the fact that you didn't want to call the plumber was all part of this

"what makes someone a man" thing.

No, I wanted to do this myself because...

Because I lost all my money.

Your money?

Having money, you never have to think about any of this stuff

because you know you can always just call somebody to fix it.

Okay.

Now that I'm broke, I guess I just...

I wanted to prove to myself that I could do this.

And that I have at least some practical skills to rely on.

What are you talking about? You're really good at computers.

You write a terrific thank-you note.

And you have an eye for color that is...

Wow. This is a comment on my masculinity.

No!

I'm sorry I broke your kitchen.

That's okay. I just hate pissing Vinnie off.

He is always so disappointed with me in such a scary way.

Don't worry about it. Let me handle it.

Hi, there.

Hi.

All fixed?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Me and Bobby were just talking.

Yeah, it turns out we played in the same softball league. Crazy!

Oh, hey! Don't forget this. You earned it.

Bobby...

Hey...

All right, thanks, man. And I'm gonna fix that bedroom window tomorrow.

All right, I will see you around.

Oh! Hey! See ya, man.

What are you guys like best buddies now?

I don't know. We just got to talking.

Wow, you are so good with people.

It's no big deal.

This is exactly what I said.

Being a man isn't about being rich or tying knots or wrestling a bear.

You said that? When?

It's about being able to step up and take care of things.

Be a man.

Yeah... Yeah! Oh, I think I have the idea for my new book.

Uh, actually, I think I had the idea for your new book.

Oh, stop whining and be a man, Kenny!

Hey, you know, seeing as you were so good with Vinnie,

I am having this issue with my dental insurance.

Could you call them? And you know what...

Some say it's the way men are raised that makes them different.

Some say it's genetics. And some say it's evolution.

Well, if that last one were true, it's a wonder any men survived.

Can I just make you a list? I'll just make you a list.

Um, yeah. Sure.