Original subtitles

There are times when it's so convenient your friends became a couple.

Oh! Peej, before I forget. My publisher got us into Fig.

No way!

Oh, my God, that's amazing! When?

What's amazing? Saturday.

What's Fig? But isn't there, like, a three month waiting list?

For what? I know. She's magic.

Who? Wait, what are they talking about?

It's like they're sleepwalking, dude.

If you try to wake them, they get violent.

Okay, I am so excited!

Fig! Fig!

Good morning, honey. You wandered out to the shed again.

Steph got us into Fig.

Vince's restaurant.

From Top Chef. Oh, my God, Vince!

Top Chef! Vince! Fig!

Now they're just shouting out random words.

Hamburger monkey pants! What are you guys talking about?

You guys don't watch Top Chef?

If we did, I think you would have heard "Vince!" or "Fig!" at some point.

Okay, well, Vince is the guy that almost won Top Chef.

And he just opened up this fancy new restaurant.

Oh, and it's getting great reviews.

Oh, and they have that caprese salad where the tomato looks like the cheese

and the cheese looks like the tomato.

You know, we should just do the tasting menu and let him surprise us.

You know, you should just do the tasting menu and let him surprise you.

You know, I wasn't aware that it's okay to make plans in front of your friends

that you're not including.

Aw, Mike... No, no...

There are times when the differences between couple friends and single friends

cannot be avoided.

Mike. Come here, come on. Mikey.

Seriously, Mike, if you want to go, I'm sure we can make the reservation for six.

No, no. You guys go and have your fancy couples night. We don't want to embarrass you.

Oh, come on. It's not like that.

Yeah, dude, you don't even watch Top Chef.

No, only grown-ups watch Top Chef.

I'm too busy watching SpongeBob SquarePants

with my finger up my nose. Right, Brendan?

I have no interest in going to Fig.

Don't listen to him. He's just too hurt to show it.

Actually, it's my first Saturday night off from the club in six months

and I would rather spend it blowing off some steam,

not worrying about which fork to use.

Whatever, dude.

All right, Mike, do you want to come? We will be happy to have you.

Oh, and be the fifth wheel? No, thank you.

I'd rather blow off some steam with this guy. Right, Brendo?

Whatever, dude. I'm really not invested in any of this.

That's right! Brothers united! Okay.

We are going to do something awesome!

Right on. Couple of single dudes, anything is possible.

Oh, boy. So, you gonna drink here or at Crowley's?

Both! Yeah!

Look, so fancy!

They have an inside tree!

Ah, I wonder what kind of tree it is.

Oh, I don't know... Fig?

Hi, reservation for Layne at 8:00.

Your table is not quite ready. It will be 15 or 20 minutes.

May I suggest a drink at our bar?

Okay.

There's no place to sit.

Wow. Fifteen or 20 minutes?

I'll handle it. Don't even bother getting drinks.

I love Kenny's Goodfellas mode.

I know. It's like being with Don Corleone

but without all the killing.

How'd it go?

Good. Be about 15 or 20 minutes.

He didn't take the money?

Oh, he took the money.

Hey.

All right! While the adults are away,

Brendan and Mike will play. Check it out. I got the new system.

I got Golden Gloves 9 Super Knockout.

And if we want to take the time,

there's a way to make the guys look just like us.

I can't believe... So you're not insulted?

By what?

They were embarrassed to have us at their dinner.

No, dude, I didn't take it like that.

Besides, let them go have their fancy-schmantzy meal.

Our night's going to be more fun.

I guarantee it. Really?

Oh, yes. Trust me. They think we're children,

but we are about to do something very adult.

You made brownies?

Oh, I made big boy brownies.

It's an old college recipe.

Oh, you made brownies.

Yes... Click. Boop!

There it is. Brownies!

Is it me or have we been sitting for, like, a half hour?

I just want a menu.

Oh, I think I see our drinks. Thank God!

No. They're not coming. They're over there on the bar.

Oh, look at them. The little cuties. Just waiting for a home.

Poor things. They're sweating.

You know what? I'm just gonna grab them. I mean, they're right there.

I wouldn't do that. Why?

It's against restaurant protocol. Trust me. We don't want to be that table.

What's that table? When I worked at a restaurant...

You worked at a restaurant?

Yeah, and when it gets really busy,

the waiters have a choice. To give all-around C+ service,

or A+ service to everyone except one table.

We called it "that table."

I'm sorry. When did you work in a restaurant?

In college. Everyone should be forced

to marry ketchup bottles at least once in their lives.

There'd be less war.

Well, how do you pick that table?

Whoever got the angriest the quickest usually got abandoned.

So I suggest we chill for five minutes.

Let somebody else become the angry table.

But, I'm not angry. I mean, if we see our drinks, we should be able to go get them.

Yeah...

Excuse me. This area needs to be clear. Please return to your table.

As soon as you can.

And now we're that table.

Oh, dude, I got the cheat codes for the game, so we can play as dinosaurs if we want!

Wait! Don't. Put the brownie down. Put it down.

Aren't we doing exactly what they expect us to do?

I mean, they're going to come home all full of amuse-bouches

and holier-than-thous and they're going to find us covered in cheese curls.

Oh, I forgot cheese curls!

Let's prove them wrong.

Let's step it up! Just because we're single, doesn't mean

we can't enjoy a sophisticated night out on the town.

Well, all right, man, but I only got the game system for one night.

Let's play a bigger game.

Let's try something new. Let's be men.

Let's wear suits.

All right, these are, like, $40 brownies, dude.

They'll keep. You know what men in suits do?

They meet women in skirts!

Oh, skirts. Yeah!

I like skirts. Who doesn't?

Women in skirts like brownies...

No, not flowery peasant skirts. I mean real skirts!

Tight skirts with a little slit on the side

to distract jurors.

Yeah.

So no brownies?

No brownies!

Suits.

Bobby's right. We're that table.

This is not okay. I'm gonna tell that stuffed shirt we're dissatisfied.

Kenny, don't embarrass us. Okay? My publisher made this reservation.

I'm not going to make a scene. Okay? I'm just going to tell them we're leaving.

They're not going to want that. I don't know, Kenny.

What have we got to lose? The service can't get any worse.

Excuse me?

Yes? I just want you to know we're not very happy with our

service, and my friends and I, we're going to be leaving.

Oh... Very well.

Can you clear this table quickly? There's a party waiting at the bar.

Wow. Really? Now they're quick?

So this is where men go.

Tonight we're stepping it up.

We sure are. And might I say, that is a great tie.

Thank you. And thanks for loaning it to me. And for tying it.

Gotta tell ya, man, at first I was kind of skeptical. But now I get it. I'm in.

I've been to this place three times in my life,

and I've been asked to leave three times.

That changes tonight.

All three times, huh?

Yes. Very politely twice.

What happened the third time?

Don't worry about that. I look totally different. I'm in a suit.

What can I get you gentlemen?

Two Dalmore scotches. A couple rocks, please. Right away.

"Gentlemen"! "Gentlemen"!

I can't believe I wore heels for that.

"Well, just follow my lead. Hey, badda-bing."

Uh, let's remember, I'm not the enemy. Fig is.

I'm just so bummed.

Because we were going to have a special evening,

and now here we are back at P.J.'s again.

Well, maybe we can play bridge or something. That's different.

Hey! That's the spirit! Do you know how to play bridge?

God, no. I'm not 80.

All right, well, come on, you guys. Let's rally! Okay? I'll order a pizza.

We can play charades or something.

Hi, yeah. Can I get a pizza, please? Yeah, I'll hold...

You guys find some treats?

Sorry, I am starving. All I ate was vodka and a pretzel roll.

Mm-hmm. We helped ourselves.

Hey, Peej, these brownies you made are delicious.

I didn't make any brownies.

Maybe Brendo baked them.

Brendo doesn't bake...

Uh-oh.

What? Well, there's only one kind of brownie

that Brendo bakes.

Are you saying... Did we just...

Wait a minute, what?

Well, now. It looks like tonight might be special after all.

That was my second one.

Ooh!

What's he mean "Ooh"? What do you mean, "Ooh"?

Oh, no, Bobby. What do we do?

Well, Peej. I think our friends are about to board a little ride.

So, we could wish them well and send them on their way. Or...

We could join them.

Oh, honey. Please join us.

Oh, hi. Yeah, I'd actually like to have three pizzas, please. And some hot wings.

And that deep fried cookie pizza thing, yeah. Yeah, that's the one. Two of them.

Thanks, bye!

Cheers! Cheers!

I just don't think corporations should have the same legal rights of a person.

You know? I mean, there's no constitutional grounds for that.

That is fascinating stuff.

You know, we should talk about non-sports stuff more often.

Tell me about it. You know, actually, I want to go back to what you were

saying about the black holes. I had no idea you knew so much about physics.

It's been a secret obsession of mine since I was a kid.

Can probably be traced all the way back to the Bionic Woman.

Ah, excuse me for the interruption,

but I just noticed that we're being noticed.

Oh, my. Oh, yes, those are not your typical Crowley's women.

No kidding. Those women ooze class.

What's our plan?

All right, stop using words like "ooze."

Okay, yeah. I can do that.

We gotta act like adults on this one.

I think they're smiling this way!

All right, settle down, Ginger. Here's what we do.

Show them the ties.

Yup.

Holy smokes, I think it's working! Yeah. You go, ties!

Good evening. It is, isn't it? Where are you in from?

Actually, we live here. We just love this bar.

Ah, a man with taste. I'm Lena. Brendan.

Emily. Michael.

Nice to meet you, Michael. Nice to meet you.

Oh! Nice one, Peej.

Keep your guard up, Steph! Work the body!

Hey!

Here you go, champ. Eye of the tiger!

You're giving it away out there! All these people came to see you.

Hundreds of people came.

Okay... Don't disappoint.

Let's do this, blondie.

All right, come on!

Okay. Top five inventions of mankind.

Um, the wheel,

submarines, penicillin...

Slippers, creme brulee

spoons...

Wait, but now we have six top five inventions.

Then let's do 10 and add four more.

Yes! I wanted to add dry erase markers anyway.

Ready, and...

T-O-U-C-H!

D-O-W-N!

Kenny... What?

Kenny! What?

♪ Your head moves from side to side

♪ And you ain't got no alibi

♪ You ugly ♪ You ugly

Wait, who are you even cheering for? I'm cheering for you.

But you keep saying Kenny.

'Cause he's ugly.

And he ain't got no alibi.

I'm not ugly.

Rain coming down, right? Thunder, lightning outside. Craziness. Total craziness.

And then Mike... ...al.

Michael says to the pilot...

I give you a 10 on the take off,

but your score's going to be heavily weighted on the landing!

On the landing! That's good!

That's good!

You see that? $5 beer gets you a girl. $15 drink gets you a woman.

I can't tell you how refreshing it is to finally meet some grown-up men.

Tell me about it. I love Chicago.

It is not like Dallas. Full of boys.

Hey, guys. Excuse me. We have to close up.

Oh. Sorry, Cliff. I didn't realize we were the last ones here.

Thanks for everything, boss.

Thanks.

Well, the downside of a hotel bar.

But I would sure like to keep this conversation going.

Yeah. This is our last night in town and we still haven't seen a real Chicago bar.

That's right. Oh, hey, Brendan,

what's the name of the place in your neighborhood? It's like a pub or a tavern?

Oh, it's uh...

Cullen's? Cochran's? Carmichael's? Craven's? Crowley's?

Bingo. Great idea!

Senorita Vaca, let us leave this dusty bar.

Paris awaits us!

Oh, Sergeant Shark, you do make speeches.

They're kissing.

Hey, you guys. I just spent an hour online searching for boots.

I think we're descending into madness.

No disrespect to your puppet show, Bobby.

Oh, puppets have no use for boots.

Ow!

Maybe we should get some fresh air.

I don't know if I can move. My feet feel like they're full of really heavy water.

How can one water be heavier than any other water?

No, no! We're not going to talk about water. Come on, you guys, let's go.

Let's go outside before this night really gets away from us.

Okay.

Crowley's?

No shirt, no shoes, no service.

Okay, I'll leave the puppets here. Bye, guys.

I was starting to think that every man in the country played video games

with strangers on the Internet.

Aw, now that is just sad. Especially the strangers part.

And when did guys decide that it was okay to go out at night wearing a hoodie?

Boys. You know, sometimes I feel sorry for them.

Oh, hey. We know these people.

Oh, hey, guys! These are our friends.

Yeah. Emily and Lena, this is P.J., Kenny, Steph, and Bobby.

Hi! Hi!

Suits.

I'm sorry?

You're in suits.

You okay, Kenny?

We've had wine. We've had, like, a lot of wine.

I think he means to say you look really, really good, Mike.

Michael.

What?

Michael was telling us that you all were at Fig tonight. How was it?

Huh?

Wait, who's Michael? You're Michael? What?

You know, I think that the service was actually a little bit spotty.

She called him Michael! That just weird.

'Cause you don't even really look like a Michael.

It's like if you called Kenny Howard or something, right?

Is anybody drinking this?

Well... This is embarrassing.

I just want this feeling to end.

You know, I think I might use the ladies' room.

And I will join you, Lena.

We will be right here.

What is wrong with you guys? You're acting like idiots.

Oh, look. It's angry Michael.

Seriously, guys. These women think we're grown-ups, okay? With grown-up friends.

Okay, we're sorry. We're sorry, Brendan. It's kind of your fault, though.

How is this my fault?

We didn't get to eat dinner, so we ate the brownies that you made.

You ate those?

I ate two.

And a stick of butter.

How were they? Dude, look at us.

Well, well, well. So, the couples got themselves

into a little bit of a state, tonight, huh?

Are you wearing my T-shirt?

Yeah. Yeah, it's comfy.

I ate an entire bag of chips. I hurt my tongue.

So you came here? You morons. You're ruining everything we've built with these ladies.

They're classy. We're being classy.

Sorry, Michael.

Dude, what made you go all Michael?

It is my name, Robert.

Yeah, it's like his alter-ego. See, Michael is Mike with super-hero class.

Stop it, Brendan. 'Cause you're not helping this.

I'm sorry, man. It's fun. You ate two, huh?

Don't. I'm not... I need a bath or something.

Dude, don't fight it.

Take a trip down that road for a bit.

Yeah. Look at that. There you go. Atta boy.

All right, all right, all right. Mike's right.

I feel bad. We're screwing you guys up.

We should just go.

No, no... Wait. You can't leave now. That would be weird.

Okay, how do we explain that?

Okay, okay. You guys, here they come. So, come on, group. Just pull it together.

For Brendan and Mike.

Michael.

Don't.

Welcome back. Thank you.

I am so sorry about our entrance. We drank on empty stomachs, you know?

No worries. We're not judging.

No, but I do think we're leaving.

We didn't realize that it had gotten pretty late and we fly back to Dallas in the morning.

Yeah, so we're just going to go back to the hotel.

You are? I think so.

But, uh, Lena and I were hoping that you gentlemen would escort us back.

We'd be happy to. Well, bye.

Good night, you guys. Pleasure to meet you all.

Wow, that kind of worked out well for them.

All I can say is "whew."

Yeah. Michael would have never let us hear the end of that.

So what should we do?

I don't know about you guys, but I could really use a hot meal.

You know, like, some real food.

Totally! Oh, I know just the place, too. It's open late.

Really good food, super mellow vibe.

Mellow is good. I could use mellow.

I hope they have crayons!

Yeah! Oh! I hit the liquid center.

Why are we standing here? Let's go.

There are upsides to growing up and being in a relationship.

And there are upsides to being single and carefree.

When you're single, you never quite know where the night is going to take you.

And that can be really fun.

Being in a mature relationship means that no matter what happens, that other person

is going to be there for you, which is nice.

Tonight, I guess we all got a little bit of both worlds.

You know what? This is good. I'm actually starting to feel a little normal.

Me, too. It was a fun ride, though.

Oh, yeah.

I think Kenny's going to need a little more time, guys.

Yeah.

Look, Kenny, I drew a picture of how you look tonight.