Original subtitles

Changes in your routine can be tough. And sometimes, it's hard to see

how it could ever be a good thing...

Hey, check it out! A postcard from Andy.

I'm still pissed at him. He just picked up and moved to China for no reason.

Well, he got a job.

Yeah, actually, it was a promotion.

I don't see how a pay cut and moving your whole family to rural China is a promotion.

Well, he thought it would be good for his career.

I'll say it. I'm glad he's gone. No offense, P.J., I know he's your brother,

but that guy was mean, slow, and a mediocre poker player.

Don't sell him short. He also complained constantly.

It wasn't constantly.

"Poker starts too early."

"And goes too late."

"This ice makes my Scotch taste like freezer."

Hey. Hey.

You're missing out on some excellent Andy bashing.

Aw, Scotch. Complain. Sleep. Repeat.

Well, maybe it's a good thing he's gone.

Yeah, except you can't really play poker with five.

One person goes to the bathroom and the whole game falls apart.

Andy ruined everything. Why don't you guys just replace him with somebody new?

Oof, if it were only that easy.

Well, who'd you guys play with before I came along?

We didn't actually always play poker. Originally, we had Risk night...

But we had a truce. You said you weren't going to go into Asia.

Dude, relax, all right? I'm trying to win a game here.

I think this guy should relax. Oh, really?

'Cause I think that guy should relax.

All right, you guys. Why don't we all just, you know, relax.

You know, I think the whole board should relax!

Whoa! Maybe this table should relax.

Kenny, it was a game.

Oh, really? After Risk we tried playing ping-pong.

Here we go...

Yes! Oh, my God! We win!

That was a flimsy table.

That's not the point. You were out of control.

Why do you have to be so competitive?

Really? Because there was that very small window of foosball.

In her defense, though, I mean, you're a terrible goalie.

Then my neighbor had this yard sale and that's where we got the poker table.

The very sturdy poker table.

And that is how poker night was born.

Until you sort this poker thing out, why don't we try

that Thursday night tango class?

Right. The tango class.

Tango class? Why?

It's a scientific fact. Couples that have shared hobbies last longer.

I read about it in the New York Times.

Every Day with Rachael Ray.

Whatever. The science is sound.

So, uh, this is a thing? You two guys are really dating?

Yes. You know what else is a thing? You asking if we two are really dating twice a day.

You know what this means? I'm the last single guy in the group.

What about Brendan?

Oh, Brendan's not single. He brings home a different girl every night.

Not every night.

Monday night was the girl who played Wii and yelled, "Oh my stars!" all night.

Wednesday... Wednesday was smoky girl.

Not cool, Brendo. No smoking in the apartment.

I told her to smoke by the window.

Next time, tell her to open it.

Yes, these are bright girls we're dealing with.

Friday night's girl was my favorite, though. She used my toothbrush.

You're cranky. Is something up, buttercup?

Uh, yeah. It kind of is. A stranger used my toothbrush.

It's a guest toothbrush, all right? You're a guest, too.

A guest toothbrush? That's a thing.

No. No, it's not.

Whatever, dude. You used the last of the milk.

My milk. In my fridge.

Actually... Fine, fine, our fridge. But, I mean, the point is,

I gotta deal with your stuff, too.

Like your computer going slammity slam early in the morning?

First of all, no computer goes slammity slam.

That's a fact. And secondly, noon is not early in the morning.

Obviously, we need to stop talking to each other so much

and get this poker night fixed. Well, without it

I won't know where I am in the week.

You don't know where you are in the room.

Okay, okay! So the hunt is on for a new person to play poker with. Agreed?

Yes. Agreed!

Agreed.

Mmm.

This ice does taste like freezer.

Ah!

Guest toothbrush!

Okay, so I came up with a few ideas of guys to replace Andy at poker.

Shoot. Joe O'Donnell.

Ugh, that guy gets, like, two beers in him, all he wants to do is karaoke.

How about Mark Kimborowitz?

No way. That guy is way too loud. He's like a howler monkey.

Really, Mike?

You know he's also really into Civil War reenactments.

And it's like, "Dude, seriously. Stop e-mailing me Gettysburg crap."

I was wondering why you were checking out muskets.

Yeah, it's... Wait. You were on my computer?

I had to look some stuff up.

On my mail? I got bored.

Boundaries, Brendo. Boundaries.

Hey, guys. Hey.

What's going on? Well, we're trying to replace Andy.

It's going awesome. So you might be free for tango on Thursday?

No! Okay, everybody, focus, so we can find somebody that's a good poker player.

How 'bout that guy Ben? No, no, no. That dude sucks.

You don't even know him. You met him for two seconds.

Whatever, dude. Anything you need to know about somebody you learn in the

first five minutes of meeting them.

Where is this theory coming from?

Years of observation.

Hooking up with drunk club girls. Okay, Mr. First Impressions,

do you remember when you met me and Steph?

Of course, I do. Freshman year. Dorms. I invited you guys to that party...

Hey. I'm Brendan. I live right down the hall.

My roomie, Stegs, and I are having a little happy hour later.

So if you guys aren't doing anything, you should totally stop by.

Ooh, Blind Melon. Nice.

Wow, that guy was so cool.

And super hot. We gotta go!

Oh, as if we'd miss that party. Hang on, let me get my tiny backpack.

I'm not even gonna wear shoes.

That is not how it went. At all.

Sure it is. Okay, first, you weren't cool.

The only thing you got right is was that Steph was my roommate.

So, I'm thinking about joining a sorority.

Ugh. Really? Well, how else are you supposed to meet cute boys?

Hey-o. Dorff in da house!

Anyway. Huge shindig down the hall. Me and my homey, Stegs.

Right now, it's bring your own, unless you guys are willing to put out the fire,

get on the horse and say, "Hoo-hoo!"

Thanks. Anyway, right now, total sausage fest.

Stegs doesn't care 'cause he's got a girlfriend. From hell.

I mean, every night they're on the top bunk, and I'm like,

"God, could those bedsprings be any squeakier?"

Anyway...

So what sorority are you thinking of joining?

Hoo-hoo! I swear to God.

Fine. Then we agree to disagree. All right.

Well, look, I think that we all just need to learn from the lessons of Andy

and find somebody who plays a little faster.

And is a good poker player. Who's easy to get along with.

Or a hot chick. But not too hot, though, or else it's distracting.

Right. P.J. hotness or lower. Hey!

It's a compliment. A weird one.

Okay. Guys, let's just lower the bar back to decent poker player, fast, good hang.

What about Mexican Freddy?

You know, that's not a bad idea.

He's a good player, right? Yeah.

Sure. Yeah.

Okay.

Great! Thursday night poker, with special guest Mexican Freddy!

Awesome. Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Kenneth won't be able to attend

tango class this week as something came up.

No, you should not be rude to take-out people. When I worked at that pizza joint,

we would routinely serve pizzas with extra sneeze.

Hey, hey! Focus. God. Bet's on you.

Oh, uh, sorry. Wow, this guy's intense.

Yeah, and scary looking. Like he could pull a knife at any second.

Guys, come on. He's not that bad.

Hey, Freddy. Freddy!

Hey, cue-ball. Keep the banter down. This is a poker game not a ladies' tea.

No offense. None taken.

Actually, I could use some tea. Hey, hon, brew me some, will ya?

Spot of cream, three sugars.

I'm not going to defend your honor 'cause, he's a little scary,

but I will make that tea for you.

Mexican Freddy sucked.

And I'm pretty sure he took Bobby's sunglasses.

So douche-y.

All right. It's official, poker night's dead.

Oh, well. Hello, tango.

Well, wait a second. We can't let him ruin our game, you guys.

We just gotta try to find somebody new.

We don't know anybody.

Well, we gotta break out of our circle and meet new people.

The only place to meet people is at work.

And I happen to work at a place with only one other employee.

'Sup, buddy? 'Sup, buddy?

That's true, isn't it? I think everybody I know I met through work.

Well, that's not true. You met them through me.

Oh, yeah. Wait, how did you three meet?

I met Mike through work.

Oh.

And Mike was friends with Kenny?

No. I was friends with Kenny. Do you not know this story?

Uh-uh.

Well, it's actually kind of funny.

Back in the day, I hung out lot at Ed Debevic's.

That '50s diner with the funny, rude waiters?

I like to think of it as the place with the cheap beer.

But anyway, Kenny was one of those waiters.

You were a waiter at Ed Debevic's? Slow down. Mensa here is

having a hard time keeping up.

Anyway, Kenny asked me out a couple of times.

I wanted to be friends, so I came up with a genius plan.

I'm really liking Kenny as a friend, I just want to it clear

that I'm not into dating him. By pretending to be on a date with me?

Yeah, exactly.

Well, since we're on a date. Do you want to... Ew, stop.

Uh-oh! Somebody better call the zoo and tell them to check the cages.

I think they're missing a couple of monkeys.

Hey, Kenny, this is Mike.

Wait, so you seriously get paid to be rude to people?

You have no idea. Watch this. Hey, lady, which would you rather have?

A million dollars or your husband's head full of nickels?

Dude! Greatest job ever!

Hey. Didn't Bret Boone say that?

Yes! I love that you know that.

You are drinking for free tonight.

Man, this guy is awesome. I can't believe you don't want to date him.

It's not that I don't want to date him! I just that I don't want to date...

You are the worst wing man ever.

Well, that may be. But I'm drinking for free with my new best bud, Kenny.

Yeah, you are.

Wow. Sounds like a love connection was made.

That's right. And we never looked back. Shame on you, P.J.

What? Don't I get anything for introducing you guys? You can get the check.

Hey, guys. Hey.

We're just talking about how we all first met.

Yeah, school, work. Weird bromance scenario.

Hmm... Okay.

Wait a second. We met Bobby through you, right?

Yeah, I met him at work and then I brought him to the baseball game.

Remember? Actually. I met you a few years before that.

I don't think so. Yeah, I never told you this, but we definitely met.

One for the thumb, right? And we were there! Courtside!

Is Michael Jordan in there?

Dude, you rule! My name's Mike, too. Mike Callahan!

Aw, dude. Five golden rings!

Oh, Mike Callahan, you beautiful idiot. I am going to make your day.

No! No! No! That was Michael Jordan. He gave me his autograph!

Look at it again. I'm pretty sure I wrote Mummenschanz.

I had that thing framed.

Dude, I bought that thing from you for $500.

Wait. Brendo, are those my sunglasses?

No. I found them.

Where? Uh, by the front door.

Sorry, pal, you snooze, you lose.

But I didn't snooze. I left my sunglasses on the table and you stole them!

Well, you ate all the Pop Tarts!

I ate one Pop Tart. Yeah, the last one.

Stop it. Look, Mexican Freddy didn't work out. We're just going to

find somebody who's a little less intense and a lot more fun.

Ooh! Ooh! Kevin Esko?

He moved to Houston. No, wait! Dead. Eh, one of those.

There was a waitress at the club who says she likes to play.

I'm sure she does. Play poker.

All right, what do you know about her?

Uh, I don't know. I mean, she seems nice. Always on time. Carries a good tray.

Is she single? Yes.

Are you and her...? No.

Sounds good to me. Sure. Let's give her a shot.

Kenny? A little quiet over there.

I ate that last Pop Tart.

Wow!

Oh, my God. I can't believe how much I'm winning.

Oh, you know what's fun? Whoever wins gets to pick

someone to do a shot of peach schnapps.

Ooh, that sounds interesting...

No. We're not going to do that.

Oh, don't be such a fuddy-duddy.

Come on, Kenny. Don't be such a fuddy-duddy.

I like this one! I like this one, too.

Hey, you guys, I don't mean to sound like Mexican Freddy,

but could we, um, focus on the game?

Hmm. Are these good?

Oh, don't... Yeah, that's, um, pretty good.

I'm going to stay in. 'Cause I want to see what you've got.

I bet you do. Bingo!

No. Not bingo. Oh, man. You got me!

You have to do a shot!

Only if you bend my arm! Ow, too much! I'm in!

I'll make up a batch for the table...

Oh. Ooh!

So poker was that bad?

It wasn't even poker. It was like being a chaperone on a skeevy blind date.

Ooh, how about Jeff Hunt? Who's that?

Guy I went on a skeevy blind date with.

I can't believe Andy's leaving is going to kill our game.

No, we're going to find somebody!

To be fair, this is a tough group to break into.

Come on, you guys have, like, a billion inside jokes.

And whenever you tell a story, you shorthand everything... What are you talking about?

"Remember when Krafft chartered that fishing boat?"

Classic Krafft! Yeah, except I never was told that story.

I don't know who Krafft is or what happened on that fishing boat.

Ask Jenkins.

You're proving my point. It's tough to be outside of the group.

Yeah, but you've been around since the beginning.

Still. It's not like I was made to feel comfortable right away.

I mean, it's been a long road getting to know all of you.

Except Kenny. Especially Kenny.

Wait, so how did you guys meet?

Oh, actually, before I took Mike to meet Kenny, I brought Stephanie in

to check him out.

I see the invasion force from "Planet Foxy" has landed. I surrender.

Stephanie, this is the guy I was telling you about. Kenny, this is my friend, Stephanie.

Hi. What are you supposed to be dressed as?

Uh, Excuse me?

Newsflash. Halloween is six months away. Why don't you take your mask off

and stay awhile. What the...

Oh, don't worry if the fast ones go over your head.

Okay, obviously, you think you're funny,

but you're sadly mistaken. So why don't you just run along and get us some water?

Oh, sure. I need a bucket of water over here. And maybe some hay. Hey-ay!

Oh, my God. Were you dropped on your head or something?

Who takes a job where they dress like a milkman and insult people?

Uh, insulting people is my business, and business is good.

Wow. I can't believe you even thought about dating this guy. He's a loser.

Okay, that was cold. How's business now? Insulty guy?

Okay, so Steph, you decided that Kenny wasn't good enough for P.J. to date,

but now you're dating him? That's what this is for.

I'm an acquired taste. Like olives. I don't like olives.

You have no taste. You said it, not me.

Yeah. I'm kind of amazed you two got together at all.

With me and Bobby, I knew right away I liked him. That's actually not true.

What are you talking about? The truth is, we actually met a few weeks

before you think we did. We did? Shut up. Where?

Here. Over at the bar. Uh, it was a Sunday. You were wearing your baseball uniform.

We were watching the Phillies-Mariners game...

Yes! See? That's what I'm talking about.

Whoa. What happened?

Oh, Rollins tripled. Perez hit a high flyball to deep right,

scoring Rollins. Wow. Hey. I'm Bobby.

Yes! Strike! You owe me 20 bucks, Mike! Pay up!

No... No! Iced at the bar!

Yep. It's true. I was the invisible man. I can't believe it.

That's so weird. Because the perfect guy was right under your nose

and you didn't even notice.

Hey, you dodged a bullet. If you had talked to him you could have ended up

with a Mummenschanz autograph.

That you later had framed.

Speaking of dodging bullets, there's one with the word "tango" on it

headed right for you, Kenny. That's exciting.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. And if we're going to get into this week's class...

Oh, I gotta go drop a check off at the studio! Bye...

Bye, Steph.

This is bullshit. You never know, you might like it.

That's what I'm afraid of.

I can't believe that our poker game officially dead.

Unless our new guy is sitting over at the bar,

looking handsome, going unnoticed by P.J.

Hey, can I smash the poker table? Oh, my God! I've got it!

What? I know the perfect person for poker.

Priscilla Presley?

Paula Poundstone? Peppermint Patty?

You know what? All right, it's a surprise. Just show up at my house tomorrow, okay?

You will not be disappointed.

Porky Pig?

Sorry, I didn't get to say one.

Eh, look who showed up.

Hey, we're all here. Where is this mystery person of yours?

Be patient.

I hope it's not Piven.

Well, whoever it is, they're late. Not a good first impression.

Hey, Bobby, how did you not find out who it is, huh?

Why don't you use your powers as a boyfriend to spy, you know?

Withhold sex or something to get the answer. What would be in that for me?

You ready?

Ta-da!

What kind of sick joke is this?

Good evening. I hope our mystery person is hiding in that bag.

So, I realized Stephanie is the perfect person to replace Andy.

No, she's not. She's awful. No offense.

None taken. Because I know you. And I know that you frequently say idiotic things.

That is true. You see? That's why she's perfect!

Yeah. And I also know that you like mini sandwiches.

So I brought you some. With the toothpicks! Those are my favorites!

You don't really know how to play poker very well.

I've learned a lot, having to listen to you all talk about it and go on and on.

Like, I know that in your game, the wheel's good and cards speak.

This is weird. Lorenzo's class starts in 20 minutes.

Yeah, no. Let's give it a try. Open your minds, people. Okay, any other objections?

I guess not. I mean, you know, ideally, at some point,

we'd broaden our horizons a bit and get someone with some new stories, but...

Oh, I've got a story. Yeah, yeah. I got a story about a roommate

who dyed her hair and turned herself pink. Boring.

It was P.J. Not boring.

Okay, not telling this story.

Oh, yes, we are.

Sometimes losing something means actually

gaining something so much more.

And here's the best part. She won't drink all my Scotch.