Original subtitles

Even things we love can become stale and predictable.

Sometimes, we can benefit from a fresh perspective.

Is this a good hand?

Yeah. You win.

Again! Oh!

This is so easy!

I really miss Bobby right now.

Plenty of offense intended.

After three weeks, nobody misses him more than me.

I still don't understand why Bobby had to go to spring training for so long.

All the pro teams have gotta go for a month.

They've got to train, get back into shape,

figure out who's gonna be on their team.

Why don't they know their team?

Well, they do, but spring training's a chance for young guys

to, you know, prove themselves and maybe get a shot at the big leagues.

So now that I'm a columnist, I can finally write about the cool stuff.

Not just transcribe box scores like some little stat monkey.

You mean like Bobby?

I miss my little stat monkey.

But the good news is, by this time tomorrow, we will all be in Arizona.

Wait, why are you going to Arizona?

Working. Meeting girls.

Working. Right. And working.

Spring training is big for collectors.

If I can get an old Cub to sign a jersey,

it more than doubles the price.

Do you have to knock the little kids out of the way to get that?

Brendan, you should come with us. Everybody's doing it.

Wait, Steph, you're going, too? You don't even like baseball.

No, but I like spas. And free stuff.

So I talked Travel & Leisure magazine into sending me.

So technically, it's a business trip.

You should totally come.

You know, if this was college...

You'd be the oldest guy in the dorm.

You'd be arrested for being creepy.

You'd have a name for your bong. Zeus.

Yeah, but there'd be some great vacation going on right now.

I mean, come on, why does spring break have to stop

just because we're not in school anymore?

That's right. Spring break!

Intermission.

We're working.

Right. Working.

Working.

Hey, guys!

Hey! Bobby's here!

Hey, stranger. I missed you.

Me, too. So much.

You don't have to watch, Mike.

Yeah, I do.

I'm going to the hotel.

Wait, you're in our hotel?

Ha! So much for your fancy spa weekend.

You're in the same boat as us.

Not exactly. Unless your boat is the grand executive suite,

because that's my boat.

Hey, speaking of boats, bed!

Bed! Bed!

Floor. Floor.

It's Andy. Hey, what's up?

It's poker night. Where are you?

Arizona, remember?

That's this week? I thought that was next week.

Remember, you said you were gonna water my plants?

Drink your Scotch? You're breaking up, sorry, gotta go!

Alcohol!

Hey. Hey.

So, did you figure out what your first big spring training column is gonna be?

Well, I have some ideas, but I'm not exactly sure yet, you know?

I just want to write something that hasn't been written before.

Oh. Is that all?

Spring break, vacation, spring training.

Kind of makes you feel like anything's possible, huh, fellows?

And the ratio of women to men is, like, 20-to-one. I like my odds.

Hey, those a couple of Dodgers?

Yeah.

Hey, guys. How are you?

Well, this place is dead. Let's go check out the hotel.

I'm kind of tired from the trip, anyway.

Spring training is a great chance for young ballplayers

to prove themselves.

And young reporters, too.

So, you want to join me for the afternoon game?

Oh, God. I'd love to,

but, you know, most of the starters are gone by the third inning.

So where's the story in that, you know?

Well, you never know.

No, I'm going to talk to some of the folks at the front office later on.

Find out why they didn't sign a bigger player during the off-season.

All right, I'll see you later tonight?

Okay.

Ah! Star-crossed lovers from the Tribune and the Sun-Times.

That's beautiful. It's like Romeo and Juliet.

Romeo and Juliet died in the end.

I'm not wishing it on you, kid. I'm just saying.

You enjoying the desert air, Jack? I can't stand it.

The wife wants to retire down here, but I'm not having it.

There's too many scorpions.

How's the column coming? Terrible? Great.

Actually, I'm gonna go talk to some of the guys in management later on.

You gonna be asking them why they didn't go after CC Sabathia in the off-season?

That might come up.

You know, I've been writing that same free-agent column since 1988.

I just switch the names.

Well, I mean, my take's a little different, so...

Right, right. You know, all those stories have already been written, kiddo.

But I'm sure you'll find a fresh one.

You know, they got poison in their tails!

I mean, who wants to deal with that?

They're like mini-dinosaurs.

Hey, how'd it go today?

I struck out, as they say.

Me, too. Twice.

Peej, this is Owen Scott.

Oh. Hi.

Nice to meet you. Owen played in Lansing last year.

Yeah. Well, if I ever want to play in Chicago, I should probably call it a night.

But it was nice meeting you, P.J. Yeah, good luck out there.

You, too. Tomorrow's another day, right?

Let's hope!

Hey, I got a question for you. Does the Sun-Times let you expense beer?

God, no. That's why we always drink at places that serve food.

Genius.

Hi.

Hi. I'm Connie.

Brendan. Brendan.

That's Irish, huh? Yeah.

Are you a leprechaun, Brendan?

That depends on who's looking for me.

Maybe it's me. What do I get if I catch you?

Oh., uh...

Yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers.

Ooh! I like green clovers.

So, "Connie," is that, like, Latvian, or Peruvian?

Czech?

Go back to being a leprechaun, Brendan.

Okay.

Dude, I cannot get a woman to talk to me.

Just because I'm not a ball player? Big deal.

What do those guys have that I don't?

Muscles. Talent. Potential. Youth.

Just because they can hit a ball with a stick or throw a ball hard?

I can throw a ball hard. I could strike one of those guys out.

Who?

Some pro dude.

Of all of the crazy things that you have claimed...

"I could be mayor."

"I could land a jet."

"I could find bin Laden."

...that might be the craziest. All right?

You cannot strike out a professional baseball player.

I could, I played in high school.

Hey, there's your column right there, "Mike Callahan, a young..."

Bobble-head salesman.

"...Naperville Central all-star, walked into Hohokam today

"and rocked the Cubs world by striking out fill-in-the-blank."

Mike, she's a columnist, not a fiction writer.

That's not even fiction. That's fantasy.

Yo.

Hey, they got hefeweizen on tap.

Okay. Uh, I'm in Arizona.

I just thought you'd want to know.

Aw! Dude, do you miss us?

No, you've been gone two days.

You know, and I'm very busy.

I've got a full life. And a full glass of hefeweizen.

Yeah.

There's my number, Brendan.

You're so cute.

Dudes! Spring break! Whoo!

What? Why is she into you? Does she think you're a ball player?

No. She thinks I'm a leprechaun.

I hate to break this to you, but that girl is dating Mike Fontenot.

Cubs second baseman Mike Fontenot?

Well, that's too bad for Mike Fontenot. Finders keepers.

Brendan, she has a boyfriend.

She doesn't act like it. And all I see is

hot!

My sources tell me that Ron Santo's at O'Donoghue's.

All right, I gotta go. Mike, you stay here.

You've been working very hard today.

You making fun of me? Yes.

Plus, I don't want you talking to Santo five beers in.

So I will see you guys later. You, too.

Because we're staying at the same hotel.

And we might run into each other

in the elevator.

Which would disgust me.

I'm gonna go make sure this phone number is real.

Yeah, I gotta get up early. All my ideas are drying up.

I gotta find something to write about.

Hey, hey. You know, Peej, I was hoping that we could chat later.

You know, like, just the two of us.

Yeah. Yeah, you want to get an early lunch?

Yeah. Yeah, that would be great.

Okay.

You coming? Yeah. Night, guys.

Good night.

Later, pumpkin.

Well, it's just you and me, kid.

You can be my wingwoman.

Oh, Mike. Uh-uh-uh.

♪ Well, beat the drum and hold the phone

♪ The sun came out today

♪ We're born again there's new grass on the field

♪ A-roundin' third and headed for home

♪ It's a brown-eyed handsome man

♪ Anyone can understand the way I feel

♪ Oh, put me in, Coach

♪ I'm ready to play today

♪ Put me in, Coach

♪ I'm ready to play today

The groundskeeper, huh? That's classic.

Yeah, he actually has a great story.

Yeah, I know. It gets better every year.

Dabney Heywood's been driving his tractor for 30 years.

In that time, he's probably run over 50,000 scorpions.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

P.J. Franklin has had her job for just five months,

and she's about to be fired for turning in absolutely nothing.

Steph, I'm really worried about my deadline.

I can't find anything to write about.

P.J., you need to relax. I mean, that's what works for me.

Steph, you write about spas.

Hey, it's not all fun and games, okay?

Yesterday, I had a salt scrub and it hurt.

So what is it you wanted to talk to me about?

Oh, yeah. That. I mean, it's nothing serious, but...

Morning, guys. Am I interrupting something?

Um... Well, we were just talking.

You know, just, like, stupid girl stuff.

And we can just save it for later.

Are you sure? Absolutely. Yeah.

Hey, how's the article coming?

It's terrible.

Everything has been done.

I can't find anything new about spring training.

Well, maybe you just need a different perspective.

Yeah, like face down with hot rocks on your ass.

Yeah. That, or how about going to a baseball game?

Sitting in the stands, being a fan?

Gosh, I haven't done that in forever.

Hey, let's do that today. The Cubs are playing the Rockies.

Just forget about your column.

No pads, no pens. Just fun, you and me.

And Mike, and Kenny, and Brendo.

Okay, I'm in.

Yeah! All right!

All right!

Oh, no. I don't feel good about this, you guys.

I'm still kind of working. No. No, you're not working.

Remember, we agreed to just enjoy the game from the stands.

That's a great idea. You know, we should make the same agreement.

Mike, you made that same agreement with yourself four beers ago!

All right, all right! One!

Mmm!

You are the best beer I've ever had.

Good, 'cause it was $8.

Oh! Oh, dudes.

That girl is a 10 out of 10.

Dude, you're playing with fire. I am telling you.

What, because of Fontenot? Please.

Hey, guys, check it out. It's Owen Scott.

Go Owen! Whoo! All right!

Oh, my God. Babe, I'm cheering.

Huh?

We're not allowed to cheer or anything

- in the press box. - Oh!

Hey, your buddy's two for two. Good for him.

He'd be 0 for two if I was on the mound.

Oh, man, here we go again. What? I'm serious.

Put me in. I'll strike that dude out in three pitches.

Remember how Brendan said in spring training, anything is possible?

That's not.

I caught you, you little leprechaun. Yeah.

Now do I get your pot of gold?

Yes, you do.

But are you sure your boyfriend won't mind?

What are you talking about?

My friend said you were dating Mike Fontenot.

Oh, I am.

What? Yeah.

Really? Then what the hell are you doing with me?

Mike's always, like, baseball this, and baseball that.

So the easiest way to get his attention is to make him jealous.

No. Connie, I don't think I want any part of that.

Ooh, too late. I already told him we slept together.

What? That's totally insane. Why would you do that?

I told you, I like to make him jealous.

So, let's go make out behind home plate.

You guys, Spring Break Whoo has gone haywire. All right?

That Connie chick is off her nut.

She told Mike Fontenot that we slept together.

Did you? Yeah, Mike. I did. Right there in line.

Here's your nachos. Ew! I don't want them anymore.

Dude, you do not want to make Mike Fontenot mad.

The guy swings a bat for a living.

So, what am I gonna do?

All right, here's a story I'm getting sick of.

"You guys, I'm totally in love with this crazy, hot chick.

"Oh, wait a minute, dudes, I think she just made soup out of my shoes."

You know, there are plenty of beautiful, sane women out there.

Stop shopping at the crazy mall.

But it's such a good mall.

You know, they got the duck pond and the food court, the Orange Julius.

It's also next to a hospital. You want to end up there?

No. I do not.

All right. Then ask yourself,

why are you drawn to crazy chicks?

You know you're going to be trapped in this cycle until you figure it out.

Brendo, calm down.

I seriously doubt Mike Fontenot even knows who you are.

Well...

The biggest difference between the regular season and spring training

is not in the first three innings, but the last three.

Number 87? Who the hell is that?

I've never heard of any of the guys playing right now.

That's 'cause the starters are in the outfield running wind sprints.

These guys are all minor leaguers.

All right, my margarita light is flashing. Let's go.

I've been bored since it started.

Hey, where are you guys going? It's 13-to-4.

I think the Cubs have lost this one.

They could always come back.

Screw it. They can't come back.

"Screw it." Chapter one from Mike Callahan's Guide to Living.

Let's go. Well, I'm not leaving until it's over.

It's bad luck.

It's going to be bad luck for me if I don't get out of here.

Fontenot did not look happy.

That's Owen Scott.

Go Owen! Come on!

Hey, hey, hey. Your buddy is a home run away from hitting for the cycle.

Yeah, look at that. He had a single in the fourth,

a double in the sixth, and a triple in the first.

He wants it. He wants it bad!

Yeah, but Peej, don't get too excited.

You know how slim the odds are.

Yeah, that's exactly why I'm excited.

No way!

It takes something pretty special to get two jaded sports reporters

to spill beer on their shoes.

Something like watching an unknown kid do something extraordinary.

I don't know, I was just really seeing the ball well today.

It helps getting that triple out of the way early.

Yeah, well, you still needed that homer.

To be honest, I don't even remember that part.

So what do you think your chances are of making the team?

Hey, I'm a long shot, I know. But I gotta say, today felt really good.

It was probably one of the greatest days of my life. It was fun.

Yeah. It was fun.

All right. Thank you so much for the interview

and congrats again.

My pleasure, Ms. Franklin.

Hey, um, any chance you and some friends feel like helping to settle a bet?

All right, rookie. Let's see what you got.

Are you serious?

What? Oh. Dude.

Okay. All right. I need to warm up a little bit. Okay.

I wish Andy was here. He would love this.

Shoot. You're right. I'm gonna call him.

Andy?

I'm kind of in the middle of something.

What are you doing?

It's Savannah's birthday.

Andy, are you ready?

I gotta go.

Come on!

This is a new low.

Try throwing it underhand, Callahan.

Hey, man. What are you doing with my girlfriend?

Oh, my God. Look, dude, you don't understand, okay?

I never touched Connie. I swear to God.

Why would she lie?

To get your attention. To make you jealous.

Dude, she's playing games with you. She's trouble.

I'm with you, dude. All right? I'm attracted to crazy women, too.

I dated a girl who boiled my shoes.

My last girlfriend lit my car on fire.

Okay. See? We're chasing the wrong kinds of women.

It's 'cause we're afraid of committing to the good ones.

You think? Yeah.

And we can always blame it on crazy when stuff erupts into flames.

Literally. Yeah.

You know, there are plenty of beautiful, sane women out there.

We gotta break the cycle, man.

We gotta stop shopping at the crazy mall.

Dude, you get me.

I know.

Not a strike out. That's not a strike...

It has to go by the batter three times.

So, did you find an idea for your column?

Yeah. Yeah, you know when you see an unknown kid like Owen

do something truly great? That's when you realize that anything is possible.

And that's what's so special about spring training.

Can I quit now?

I don't know. Did you strike anyone out?

No. Keep going.

We're gonna need more balls.

Oh, hey, Andy. You are the first one here.

Yep, yep, yep, yep.

Um, Andy? What?

We're hugging. We don't hug.

I know. But I missed you. Promise you'll never leave me again.

Okay. Promise?

I promise. All right.

We'll never talk of the hug again.

Hey. Hey!

Somebody left this poor, 18-year-old bottle of Scotch on your doorstep.

Whoa! What's happening? Who is this?

Promise me you'll never leave me again.

Okay, I promise.

Okay. Where's Kenny?

He missed our flight. He'll be here.

Who's the bottle from, Peej?

It's from Jack Brisco.

"Great column, kid.

"You're ahead of the curve, and I'm happy to report

"that Owen Scott made the Cubs roster."

Hey!

Well, of course he made the team.

You saw the way he hit against me.

Easy, heater.

Oh, shoot. I forgot to get beer.

I didn't have a chance to restock.

Not it! Not it!

All right, I'll go. I'll come with you.

Thanks. Whoa, whoa.

You're gonna leave us here with huggy Andy? Yep.

Ooh. Not leaving you here with this.

Baby, your column is really great.

I couldn't have written it without you.

I know.

I feel a little sorry, though. I never got a chance to talk to Steph.

About what? I don't know.

She said she had something important to tell me.

We just never got around to...

I wonder what she wanted to tell you.