Original subtitles

Well, I am officially friends with the Dalai Lama.

What? How are you friends with the Dalai Lama?

On Facebook. They're Facebook friends.

Still, why would he be friends with you?

Because I'm enlightened.

Ooh. I gotta ask him to join my mob.

I don't understand what's going on.

It seems like everyone today exists in two realities.

The real world...

He's talking about Mob Wars. It's this game on Facebook.

...and the virtual one.

Yeah, see, I don't get Facebook.

Well, Kenny's obsessed.

I'm not obsessed.

I just need Bobby to join my crew, so me, him and the Lama

can rob a liquor store.

You gotta join.

Being part of a social network is de rigueur these days.

It means "obligatory."

Merriam-Webster Word of the Day Calendar. What up?

I'll admit it. I was wrong. He loves it.

All I did was give a starving man bread, you know?

Hey. Hey, Andy.

Hey, you haven't responded to my mob request yet.

With you guys, plus the Lama, plus Mexican Freddy,

I can finally be the Don.

What? That's what it sounded like to me.

Andy, you're on Facebook?

Meredith had me join it for this family reunion thing.

But honestly, I never really check it. Join my mob.

No. Check your profile, Andy.

I sent you a really funny video of a cat sneezing.

That video was so funny!

Wasn't it? My friend Matt sent it to me.

He always has the funniest videos.

You know what? I'm getting together with him this weekend.

I'll see if he has anything new.

P.J. having plans means guys' night out, huh?

No women. No curfew. We finally get to do whatever we want.

Poker? Done.

You know, Bobby, you should really rethink this whole Facebook thing.

I don't know. Would I have to join Kenny's mob?

You could always ignore him. That's what I do.

Join my mob. No.

You know what, Bobby? Some people use it for stupid stuff,

but it's actually a good way to keep up with your family and your friends.

Yes, Andy, you could post some pictures of my niece and nephew.

Or you could come over and play with them.

I will.

They're always sticky.

That's so de rigueur.

No, it's not.

You know, I'm constantly updating my Facebook status.

If you were on, you'd know what's up with me.

Like, what does it say now?

That I'm at Crowley's.

See? You certainly wouldn't want to miss that scoop.

All right, a guy from Mike's high school posted a video of him

as the Major General in their production of Pirates of Penzance.

Free booze for the first person who provides a laptop.

Oh. I'm on that.

Leave the coat, babe, there's no time!

This is why I need an iPhone.

How you doing?

Why do you hurt me?

♪ I am the very model of a modern Major-General

♪ I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical

You know, you're pretty good. Really?

Of course not. You're horrible.

How did you get the lead?

It was a small all-boys school.

There were only, like, 40 kids in the class.

Even so...

I'm just glad they didn't show the video of my production of Annie.

I looked awful in that perm.

Hey, guys, what's going on, man?

I got this update saying Kenny's witnessing a train wreck.

♪ ...binomial theorem I am teeming with a lot o' news

♪ With many cheerful facts about... ♪

Oh, my God.

I know, right?

Brendo, how do you have 700 friends?

Dude, they're not real friends.

I mean, they're potential customers. I wouldn't even be on Facebook

if it wasn't for the club.

And there are so many women. Hot women.

One could even say a myriad hot women.

All right.

I'll admit it, this Facebook thing's pretty great.

Got me back in touch with my entire fifth-grade class.

Yeah, it definitely makes the world a smaller place.

I'm just not so sure that's a good thing.

Well, it is for my class. We're having a reunion.

Who has a reunion for fifth grade?

Fifth grade was the best. I had my first girlfriend, Erin Radabaugh.

She was popular, from a good family.

She's the one that got away.

From fifth grade?

She had an Atari and a trampoline.

Diana Kale had an above-ground pool.

It's hard to let somebody go

who has kick-ass stuff. Yeah.

Oh, God, I remember when you broke up with Matt.

Dude, I was so pissed.

Yeah.

He had the first PlayStation.

Wait, Matt the Facebook guy? You dated him?

Yeah. But in college.

I thought you dated Thorn in college.

You are allowed to have more than one boyfriend in college.

It's not the '40s.

Dude, don't even be jealous, man. Matt was freshman year.

I mean, Thorn,

he was the true love of her life. Yeah.

Remember when Thorn came around last year

and she got all googly-eyed and almost took him to Italy?

Don't be jealous. But you know what? It's funny,

because then she ended up taking me to Italy,

so I'm actually not jealous. Good.

It's cool. You guys can have your virtual friends.

I am quite fine with my real ones.

Yeah, Matt's not Snuffleupagus.

She's actually having dinner with him.

Meredith would never let me go out to dinner with an ex-girlfriend.

Yep. I gotta keep this Erin Radabaugh thing on the QT.

Bobby, honestly, you would love Matt. I mean, he's hilarious.

Oh! The video that he posted about the kid with the hiccups?

So funny.

You know what? It's fine. I don't have to love the guy.

And by the way, posting a funny video does not make you funny.

But he is funny. Like, really funny.

Yeah, and extremely handsome.

Okay, but is he rich?

Guys, come on. Give me a little something here.

He bought me a car! He didn't even know me!

Kenny, I didn't need a status update before you went to the bathroom,

and I certainly don't need one telling me how it went.

My life is an open book.

Close it.

Four Mexican Samurai shots.

Yeah.

Have you ever tried a Japanese Bullfighter?

No. What's in that?

The exact same stuff. I just like my name for it better.

I'll bring these right over to you. Thanks, Brendan.

You got it, Veronica.

You ever try a Japanese Bullfighter?

Hey, Brendan, do you know her?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, she comes in here quite a bit.

She's a scout for some small record company.

Dibs!

Dude, you can't call dibs. Why not?

Because she's not a Twinkie.

Well, then how do I know if she's off-limits?

You could ask.

Okay. Brendan, have you staked your claim, sir?

You just have to make this difficult, don't you?

Look, you know, I've talked to her a few times.

I'm just starting to know her.

Starting to know her?

Dude, she's probably one of your Facebook friends.

Just check her profile.

You'll know everything you need to know about her.

That's icky. That's lazy...

That's Mike.

Look, I don't need Facebook, all right? I do my own legwork.

Okay, just so we're clear here,

you're okay that we both go after the same girl at the same time

and you're not gonna use modern technology?

Oh, absolutely. The epic struggle of man versus machine.

This should be a show on the History Channel.

Dude, this is so over. I'll know the name of her first goldfish

while you're still trying to figure out her last name.

It's Jones.

Man, one. Machine, zero.

Oh!

Hello.

So, I finally joined Facebook.

I know. I accepted you as a friend.

Yeah. Yeah, well, it turns out I'm not alone.

It turns out I have a lot of company,

like a lot of your ex-boyfriends, like Matt and Thorn and...

Why are you in a Word Twist game with Hank?

Okay, wait. What are you talking about?

You were snooping through my friends?

That's not snooping. That's what you're supposed to do.

And you're friends with all of your exes.

You collect them like Hummel figurines.

So? So, that's weird.

That's why I said "Hummel figurines."

Well, I mean, we're just Facebook friends.

Oh, really? Really?

'Cause you're about to go out with hilarious Matt,

who, according to his update, is "contemplating his second cookie."

Facebook is great at bringing people together.

Babe, he's just a friend.

Yeah, who's constantly sending you virtual beignets and green chili.

I mean, why do you even need to go out to dinner? Hmm?

It can also push people apart.

So, Bobby doesn't want you going out to dinner with Matt?

Well, I mean, he's not thrilled about it,

or that I'm friends with any of my ex-boyfriends.

This is all Facebook's fault.

Everybody knows too much about each other.

I mean, I really don't need to know about Andy's upcoming dinner

with the gang from St. Aloysius.

I mean, Matt is just a friend, you know?

It is an innocent dinner.

I know, but is it really worth fighting over?

Well, I mean, not really.

But on the other hand, you haven't done anything wrong.

So what if he's an ex-boyfriend?

You're right.

I mean, you're friends with your ex-boyfriends, right?

Only the ones that don't have girlfriends that made them stop being friends with me.

See, that's not right.

I take it as a compliment.

Yeah, yeah, I used to DJ for 107.3.

The heavy metal station?

Yeah, I had the 5:00 drive.

Huh. I've never gotten into heavy metal.

Really? Oh.

How about getting high and playing D&D?

No? Okay.

Hey, guys. Hey!

We're all here at the same time. What a synchronism.

You remember Mike.

Yeah, my new Facebook friend.

Yeah, it's great to see you again.

Are you from Idaho?

Yeah, how did you... Did you...

Oh!

I totally forgot I was wearing this today.

Really?

I'm from Idaho.

That's crazy. This is like kismet.

Yeah, two spuds meeting up in the big city. What are the odds?

None. Mike, remind me again,

where in Idaho are you from?

Boise? Pocatello!

That's crazy! We're like neighbors!

Well, I mean, it's a four-hour drive.

Sure, yeah. Yeah, it's all relative to Chicago, though.

You know what? I'm gonna buy you a drink.

Um... The lady will have another cocktail.

And I'm gonna have...

Hmm...

Do you make...

Boise?

Trust me. Shot in the dark.

Fifty-fifty chance he said Portland.

I'm still not worried.

Terminator, Battlestar Galactica, Terminator 2,

history teaches us man always wins out in the end.

You know that's not history, right?

The only history that matters.

Hey. Hey! Bobby.

We're still doing guys' night, right?

Yeah, we are, 'cause P.J.'s still going to dinner with Matt.

Oh! Handsome Matt. You still jealous?

I never was.

All right, you guys. Can I ask you a question?

Are you still friends with your ex-girlfriends?

Um... No. Not really.

Okay, fine, but just because the romance part doesn't work out,

don't you still like them as people?

Um... No. Not really.

Maybe it's a girl thing. What does that mean?

I don't know. It just seems like a lot more women

stay friends with their exes than guys do.

But doesn't the number have to be the same?

Unless there's one very sensitive guy out there

who's broken up and stayed friends with thousands of women.

That dude's had a lot of lunches.

Oh. He's done some cat-sitting.

That dude has sat through a lot of strangers' weddings.

Oh! This guy makes me sad.

Yeah, exactly, so why would you want me to be friends with all my exes?

It's not that, it's just...

If you cut all of these other women out of your life,

who's to say you're not gonna do the same to me?

But you're not breaking up.

No, but if we did, Bobby wouldn't still be friends with me.

Yes, he would. Right? I don't know.

Dude, I can't believe you just said that.

Man, it's like, "Would you move on if I ever died?"

The answer's always no.

Yo! You're taking forever with those drinks there, slick.

I gotta go anyway. You sure?

Yeah. I'm sure I'll see you soon, though.

Later, Brendan. Yeah.

Oh, by the way, that color looks great on you, Mike.

Oh! Well, purple's my favorite color.

Me, too!

That's crazy!

Score one for the machine.

I'm flying.

Riddle me this, machine. Portland. Maine or Oregon?

It's a trick question. Neither.

Man, I can't believe Mike's gonna win.

You gotta give it to him, though.

He really has been doing his research.

I just felt like I needed to learn more about this underappreciated culture.

That's when I decided to go on my first spirit walk.

What's up, guys? Hey.

Your friend Mike knows so much about my culture.

Did you know I was half Blackfoot?

Really? Yeah.

Well, you guys probably just haven't gotten there yet.

Oh, hey, Veronica, did you know that Sherman Alexie

is gonna be reading at the public library soon?

Oh, my God, he's my favorite author.

Get out of town! Me, too.

No, seriously! What's your favorite book?

Oh! So many to choose from.

I would probably say The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fistfight in Heaven.

Oh, my God, don't you love it?

Love!

Why can't he work this hard at the store?

Thanks, Mike. I totally would've missed the reading.

Brendan, do you want to go with me?

Me? Him?

Yeah, you said you and your mom trade books back and forth.

Him?

I thought it was sweet.

Or we could do something else.

No, no, no. That sounds like fun.

Great. We'll talk. Okay.

Bye, Mike. Okay.

Him?

Me!

Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea.

That's Morse Code for, "You didn't get the girl."

A toast. To the winner.

Yeah.

But I'm a machine.

I know, buddy. I know.

Look, man, I talked to her for a while,

and Veronica and I actually have a lot in common.

But we're both from Idaho.

No, you're not.

Hey, how about I get the next round, huh?

Thanks.

Don't worry about it, pal. I'm sure there's somebody out there for you.

Hey, I got a status...

Make sure you wash your hands.

Okay.

Is this seat taken?

No, help yourself.

I'm Laura. Hi, I'm Mike.

Hi.

Hey, 2 Out Rally. That's where I work.

No way. Really? Really.

What a synchronism.

Hey, I know what that means.

Wow!

Grab a seat. Thanks.

Do you want something to drink?

Scotch on the rocks.

I think I'm in love.

Me, too.

Ooh!

Matt just had "the best paella ever!"

How you doing, buddy? I'm just fine.

Paella?

Must be at that Spanish restaurant

right next to that hot tub place.

You can rent those by the hour, right?

Nothing like making love on a bellyful of rice.

I feel like that's actually Spain's motto, isn't it?

It is, actually.

This is the life, right? Just a bunch of guys playing poker.

Yeah. This is what it's gonna be like right after P.J. dumps Bobby for Matt.

I can't wait.

Hello, boys.

Hey!

Great, you're still playing. Deal me in.

Can't. We're practicing for life without P.J., and you're P.J.

What are you talking about?

We're taking sides. We're not taking sides.

If they break up, we might have to.

If you're not gonna stay friends with her...

I choose P.J.

What? Come on.

Wait, why are we doing this? And what if I don't want Mike?

It's guys' night stuff. You in or you out?

All right, I'm in.

Wow, so we're really gonna divvy you guys up, huh?

Okay, fine. I'll take Andy.

No, he's my... Okay. I take Kenny.

Okay, then I get Brendo. Last pick?

No, wait. Okay. I'm gonna trade Kenny and Mike for Brendo.

I don't want to give Brendo up.

But why? He lives with me. He has a room here.

Does anyone else feel like it's 1987 and the judge is making you choose

between Mommy's house or Daddy's new condo?

Beats finding out that Mike and I

equal one Brendan. Yeah.

You know what? This has actually become ridiculous now.

It would never come to this.

It will if you don't stay friends with her.

No, because, guess who just became Facebook friends with four ex-girlfriends?

Oh! That's great! That makes me really happy.

You guys are weird.

And it was actually really fun catching up with them.

You were right. I don't know.

There's just something really nice about, you know, reconnecting with the past.

Stay away from elementary school reunions.

Seeing the old gang didn't go so well, huh?

I found out I've been living a lie.

Really? Yeah.

Turns out Chris Morgan was the king of recess,

Josh Breger was the smart one,

and everyone thought Erin Radabaugh was their first girlfriend.

This whole Facebook thing has just been more trouble than it's worth.

Dude, it's like I said before.

I'm not so sure that making the world a smaller place

is such a good thing. It's true.

You know, I have successfully narrowed my world to just this,

and I'd like to keep it that way.

Well, I'm over Facebook, too. I didn't hook up with one chick over it.

You met Laura.

Yeah, but not because of that. She was just hanging out at Brendan's club.

Hey, did you know she's also a giant fan of Ted Nugent?

It's crazy, right?

You know that wasn't just serendipitous?

What? You'll get there, buddy.

All right, Bobby. Pretend P.J.'s not here.

Are you really happy to have all these ex-girlfriends back in your life?

I think so. I'm actually having coffee

with my high-school girlfriend Suzanne.

Suzanne, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, she's in town for the weekend.

She actually works at the White House now.

The one down the street? The one in Washington.

Better.

Anyway, she speaks, like, four languages now. It's crazy.

Wow. Well...

So, that's really cool. You made an old friend a new friend.

You know who also made an old friend a new friend?

Erin Radabaugh. She left the reunion with Jerry Pasquale.

I had to drive her husband home. Nice guy.

Holy mother. This is Suzanne? Dude.

Oh. How do you say "hot" in four languages?

That's Suzanne?

Is she the Deputy Secretary of Yowza?

Why would you ever break up with her?

How you doing, buddy?

I'm fine.

So, is she married now?

No, I think she's still single.

So, I just call the White House and ask for Suzanne?

Yeah. Hmm.

Bobby, again, pretend P.J.'s not here.

No, no. Very much here.

Yeah, guys, come on. Let's show some sensitivity.

Bobby still has dibs on Suzanne.

She'd be a fool not to want you. You're looking good these days,

and I'm saying that as a man and a friend.

And a weirdo.

I wonder what language she makes love in.

All right, all right. I know what you guys are doing.

Does not bother me.

Will it bother you when Bobby voulez-vous coucher avec Suzanne?

You know what you said? No, but you know what I meant.

Oh. All of a sudden, my distant virtual friends

are looking better than my real ones.

Yeah, and you can always de-friend those guys.

You're stuck with us.

Am I, though?

I'm thinking about breaking up with Bobby just to see how this whole thing shakes out.

Speaking of virtual friends, the Dalai Lama dumped me.

Did he find out you're not the same Kenny Moritorri he went to high school with?

It's all right. He'll be in my mob in my next life.

Kenny, you do realize you weren't really friends with the Dalai Lama.

And Mike's not really friends with Scottie Pippen.

He wouldn't know me if I sat next to him in a bar,

but I do know he had Brussels sprouts with dinner last night.

All right, guys. What do you say we actually play some poker?

Deal them up. Do it.

Oh. Hey! Matt is single. Let's hook up Suzanne and Matt.

Ooh. I don't think Matt is attractive enough for Suzanne.

Yowza.

It can be a lot of fun having virtual friends,

but nothing beats the real thing.