Original subtitles

Chicago winters can be brutal.

They tend to weed out anything that isn't strong.

Today's high was one, you guys. One.

Does anybody remember the last time it was over 10?

It's that time of year.

I think my mailman has all my mail in his garage.

Can you blame him?

No. He'll get to it.

Shut the door!

Screw it. I'm tired of being treated like this.

I'm done with Chicago.

We'll miss you.

It'll be quieter.

No. I'm serious. Why do we live here?

Look at Hawaii! It's 80 degrees there. That's like...

Forty... Seventy-nine.

Seventy-nine degrees warmer than it is here!

Why aren't we all moving to Hawaii right now?

The humidity makes my hair explode.

There's no baseball team.

The Brady Bunch went there and almost died.

I don't look good in Hawaiian shirts.

Yeah, because you look great in... Are those parachute pants?

No. They're weightlifting pants.

Oh! That redeems it.

Why don't you just call them astronaut pants?

You haven't done that, either.

Hey, it's cold out.

Forgive me if I haven't been to the laundromat in awhile.

Since 1989?

Hey! They keep me warm.

It's all part of my layering system.

Long Johns, sweats, jeans, astronaut pants.

Dude, how long does it take you to get undressed at night?

Undressed?

Oh, Lord.

All right, come on, you guys. We can beat this.

It's just Chicago winter, right?

We just gotta buck up and show a little toughness.

Bobby's car doesn't start. He's not gonna make it.

Oh! I'd rather be dead.

Shut the door!

And hello to you, too.

Why are you in such a good mood?

I'm every bit as sunny as I always am.

Andy loves the cold weather. He always has.

Come on.

It's true. The colder the better. My body's built for this.

Look at me. I am descended from a long line of men who ice fish.

I've have never understood that hobby.

I never understood Hammer time.

So does Meredith like the cold, too?

Oh, God, no. Which is another reason why I'm so happy.

She took the kids to her sister's in Florida.

I got the whole place to myself.

So you're all alone. Just like me.

Not at all like you.

But, yeah, shaping up to be a pretty sweet week.

Not for me.

I haven't seen Bobby in four days because of the car,

or you can't find a cab, or my pipe burst.

Ooh! I bet your pipe burst.

Shut it.

I've never had a relationship last through the winter.

Or the spring, summer or fall.

Hey, they say there's gonna be a warm front tomorrow.

If it gets above 20, I'm taking out the garbage.

No, you won't.

No. I probably won't.

Hey, maybe they'll move all those abandoned cars off the street.

Yeah, that ice cream truck has been parked out there

since the first snow of November.

You think the guy's still in it?

Probably keeping warm in the freezer.

Ooh. Ice cream. Who needs? I scream, you scream, we all scream...

Shut the door!

And overnight, warm weather shows up

and everybody comes out of hibernation,

overjoyed...

Mine are clean.

Mine are dirty.

Oh! I'm sorry.

There's no sorry in Hacky Sack.

Well, then, I guess I'm not.

Hey, stranger.

Hey. I am going to dip you now.

Aloha, amigos.

All right, all right!

...and a little insane.

So you really bought a Jeep?

It feels like spring, man! The warm weather is here,

and I want to be in it! Huh?

Getting a tan, toes in the sand, drink in my hand. Come on.

And the dog?

Man's best friend, with me till the end, I hope I don't offend...

Okay, stop.

This warm weather has to go away. Where are your sleeves?

He also bought a Jeep and a dog.

I am so sorry.

Oh, I love this little guy.

Bingo and I are gonna have a great time together.

Aren't we, buddy? Aren't we? Yeah!

Why'd you name him Bingo?

Because he can do this.

What a cute dog! Who do you belong to?

Bingo! Uh, If you'll excuse me.

It's like the weather changed and his brain just turned to mush.

Yeah, it wasn't much of a stretch.

Everyone's lost their minds. When will you people learn?

I saw you kissing some skateboarder outside.

I won't tell Bobby.

That was Bobby. Where is Bobby?

He's running some errands. Aren't you hot in that sweater?

Of course I am! But this is winter.

This weather is gonna flip, and I'll be prepared.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go home,

turn on the air conditioning and watch Ice Road Truckers.

Well, in the meantime, want to go to the park and throw the frisbee?

Or we could open up a fire hydrant and just dance!

Don't you have to work? Are you kidding?

Nobody goes to the bars when it's this nice out.

Look around!

Yeah, I should probably go to work.

Bingo's over there laying the groundwork for me.

I like to let him pick which one.

I'd prefer the curly-haired one,

but I'm not going to question his process.

Hey, everybody. Hey, this is Heather. Hey.

Hey, how are you? Hi.

Kenny's told me so much about all of you.

I feel like I already know you.

Oh, that's nice. Who's Kenny?

You're hilarious. You must be Bobby.

No, I'm Mike. What? Is Bobby the funny one?

He's got a silly streak, man. Yeah.

You're Mike? Kenny never mentioned you.

Well, smart move. Probably 'cause I'm rocking the gun show. Mmm!

Now you're funny.

Well, it was nice to meet all of you.

Yeah, you, too.

I gotta go, but I'll see you later, okay?

Okay. I love you.

I love you, too.

Bye.

"I love you"? I do love her.

But you met her, like, three hours ago!

Hey, when you know, you know.

Dude! You might want to work the party a little more

before you break open the pinata.

All right. Take it easy, puka shells.

Look. I met her, I love her. What can I say? Love is in the air.

He ain't lying. Check that out.

The whole world has turned upside down.

Oh! Hello, everyone.

Hey, Steph. What's up?

Oh. Did you see my little show? That's Trevor.

And Trevor is... Smelly? Deranged? Getting back at his parents?

Is that Kenny?

Oh, I didn't recognize you without your Joe Piscopo costume on.

Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second.

You met this guy, what, this morning?

And now you're... What, you're dating?

Sure, let's call it dating.

I'm gonna have a margarita for lunch. Anybody?

I'm all good. Okay!

They've all gone insane.

Maybe they were always insane, and it was just so cold out

that they moved slower so you couldn't see the insanity.

Aren't you supposed to go back to work?

Oh, God. Yeah. I keep forgetting.

Later.

What's up, buddy? Bobby.

What's going on, guys? Everybody's gone crazy.

Like "dancing in the streets" crazy,

or like "box of fingers under your bed" crazy?

Somewhere between those two.

Yeah, like a happy-go-lucky guy who cuts up squirrels.

Well, then maybe you wouldn't mind if

I stole you away for a little lunch in the park?

A picnic?

Ooh! Ooh!

A picnic! A picnic!

See, I was avoiding that word for exactly that reason,

but, yes, a picnic in the park.

I would love to. What's the occasion?

It's a beautiful day, I have a beautiful girlfriend.

Ooh! Ooh!

Girlfriend? No.

Beautiful?

Ooh! Ooh!

Let's go.

I was starting to think I wasn't gonna see you till the end of the winter.

I know, I know. I was so lonely sitting in my apartment.

I had whiskey sours with my neighbor, Mrs. Jenkins.

She thinks I'm Frank Sinatra. It was exhausting.

But now a picnic? Oh, wait a second. You didn't forget the booze.

Oh, no. Beer.

Oh. But they're warm.

Maybe we should run back to Crowley's and grab some ice?

I've got a better idea.

Why am I so nervous?

You act like you've never stolen ice before.

This is something you do regularly?

Cover me. I'm going in.

Oh, my God. This kitchen is gorgeous.

Hey! Concentrate!

There's more than one kind of ice? This place is magic!

Someone's coming! Just get the ice and get out!

Oh, my God. You gotta see this stove.

If I had this stove, I'd learn how to cook.

That's funny, 'cause if I had that couch, I'd be napping right now.

There's a skylight in the closet.

There's a TV in the bathroom.

There's a Murphy bed in the guest room.

There's a working fireplace in the den.

There's a wet bar in the bedroom.

There's a... There's a wet bar in the bedroom?

That looks like an herb garden.

Yeah? What do you know about herb gardens?

Uh, enough.

All right. Why don't you name four herbs?

Okay. Parsley, Italian parsley,

Chinese parsley and Elvis Parsley?

Hey. What?

Let's live here. Wait, what?

I want to buy this place, and I want you to move in with me,

and we could live here.

Really? Yeah.

I mean, come on. The place has heat and air!

We could take whatever Chicago throws at us.

What do you say?

Okay. Okay?

Okay! Okay!

Okay! Okay!

So you guys are shacking up now, huh?

Moving in together, man. That's big.

All sorts of joys await you.

You guys have to see this house. It is fantastic.

It is. It's got a great little yard, too.

Ooh. Bingo will love that.

And does it happen to have an extra bedroom,

where, say, a friend could live, or...

They just found the place and you're already trying to move in with them?

Mike's dog's digging up their yard.

Whoa!

Excuse me. Yeah?

He's not really gonna... No.

And he's not gonna... No.

What?

I love your dog. Your dog is awesome.

He's the best.

Another bartender just called in sick. That's the third one today.

You know they're not really sick, right?

Yeah, I know, but, I mean, I've used that excuse so many times myself

I can't really say anything.

Well, today's your lucky day, hermano.

Yo soy un bartender.

Really? You know how to bartend?

You're hired!

Uh-oh.

It's Meredith. Hi, honey. I don't know what you're talking about.

It's still really cold here. No, you shouldn't come back early,

because I'm sick.

I panicked.

All right, man. We gotta go.

All right, all right.

Hey, we gotta stop by my place and pick up Bingo.

No, dude. You can't bring your dog.

Why not?

'Cause, I don't know. It's against, like, health code or something.

Dude, they let him in here.

They let you in here.

Point taken. Thank you.

I'm gotta take off, too.

I gotta meet my cousin, the real estate agent.

I'm really excited!

Me, too.

See you, buddy.

See you.

Where'd everyone go?

Oh, we're all meeting up at John's.

I'd invite you, but you're sick.

Well, she did say I should drink plenty of liquids.

Dude, this is the busiest we've ever been!

We're running kind of low on rum, though.

That's because they can't get enough of Mike's mai tais.

It's called a Mike-tai. That's clever.

Well, try to push the tequila.

Come on, man. I'm sweating through my three-pound sweater.

Where's my beer?

Listen. Any chance you're gonna sleep with me tonight?

Uh, no.

Then embrace the back of the line!

Can I interest any ladies in a Mike-arita?

Hey, guys. Hey.

Hey, P.J. I'll be right back. I love you so much.

I love you.

Wow. Things look like they're going well.

Yeah. We're gonna go to Columbus this weekend and meet the folks.

That makes sense, seeing as it's your one-day anniversary.

Uh-huh. I know you have your doubts,

but when I'm with Heather, I feel fantastic!

That's great, but don't you think this gorgeous weather

is playing a little part in that?

I feel fantastic because I'm in love.

Because I'm in love, I'm able to enjoy this gorgeous weather.

All right, fine. I'm just saying that saying "I love you"

and meeting the parents in the first week is really fast.

Uh-huh?

When did you and Bobby first say "I love you"?

We still haven't. Really?

Yeah, and we've been dating, what, a couple of months?

You see, Kenny, there is a healthy and natural progression to these things.

I see. So it's date a couple of months,

move in, then say "I love you."

Or wait, no, no, wait, or is it, celebrate your 50th anniversary,

then move in, then say "I love you"? I can't...

Well, when you say it like that,

it sounds like I'm making a huge mistake.

Oh, hey. Hey. Where's your new man?

Trevor? I'm meeting him later at a rooftop vegan barbecue and drum circle.

But don't get too attached to Trevor. I'm not.

Really?

Yeah, yeah. It's just a crazy warm-weather thing, you know?

I'm just going with the flow,

or as Trevor would say, "I'm keeping my stoke on."

Okay, see, well, I just went with my flow, and are you ready for this?

Bobby and I are moving in with each other.

Wow!

It's a little crazy, right?

A little.

Yeah, see, we saw this townhouse

and Bobby really wanted to buy it

and, I don't know, I mean, we haven't even said "I love you" yet.

And it seems fast.

It's fast. Yeah.

How is the house, though?

Gorgeous. Oh, my God. You would love it.

There are so many closets. There's a closet that has another closet in it.

Don't do this to yourself. And don't do this to me.

Is it still for sale? Can I afford it?

No.

Plus, Bobby has a history of moving really fast in relationships, you know?

And I don't really want to end up like Elsa.

Even if you could have her legs?

No, I'd tip over on those things.

Well, look, did it ever occur to you that Bobby just got caught up

in this warm-weather thing, too?

I mean, he has to know this is crazy.

You think?

Sure! My guess is as soon as the snow starts to fall again,

this whole "moving in together" idea will disappear.

Yeah. You're probably right.

Yeah. I mean, look at this bar full of crazy people

acting like they don't have to go to work in the morning.

And Mike and his dog?

And Kenny?

No, Kenny's just an idiot.

Dude, that better be water.

All right, you know what? Bingo has gotta go.

All right? He can't hang out here anymore.

No way. We're a team, broham. Would you split up Batman and Robin?

Yeah. If Robin peed on the file cabinet.

Uncool, Bingo.

But since he already peed, he's probably solid for another hour or so.

Hey, guys.

Oh, my God, you're so cold.

It's snowing. It's snowing?

Yeah.

No way! That was fast.

Yeah, I made the mistake of ordering an iced coffee,

and now I have this.

Something tells me I'm not going

to an outdoor vegan drum circle tonight.

I mean, that usually goes without saying, doesn't it?

So that's it for Trevor, huh?

God, yes. I mean, the guy endlessly talked about following fish around.

How random is that?

Does she know Phish is a band?

Let's not tell her.

The snow is back.

What? No! This sucks!

Oh, grab my bag. We have to go check on my cats.

Cats? I didn't know you had cats.

Whatever. You're gonna love them.

I am, in fact, highly allergic to cats.

I don't believe in allergies. They're all up here.

No, it's actually more down in here.

It's a very real choking sensation.

Don't be silly. Grab my bag.

Look, Heather. I don't do cats. I'm not a cat person.

Maybe it's because I will die if get near one,

but even without that, I don't trust them.

My cats are like family.

I can't believe you didn't know this about me.

Well, we only met, like, yesterday.

Okay. I suppose next you're gonna tell me

you're not super into Renaissance fairs?

Renaissance fairs? Like mutton and jousting?

And jesters.

Oh, no, no, no.

Methinks I'm starting to have grave doubts.

Methinks the crazy cat lady is correct.

Goodbye.

Mmm-hmm.

I gotta give it to her. She went for the lap instead of the face.

That's old school. You all right?

Yeah. I'm just glad I nipped that in the bud

before it turned into hot mulled wine from a flagon.

Sorry.

Hey, I know how to make you feel better.

How?

Hey, Mike. Hey.

Did you know it's snowing? So?

Did your Jeep come with a top?

I like my Jeeps the way I like my ladies.

All right.

You gotta give it a second.

Snow! Top! Jeep! Damn it! Excuse me!

Yeah, that makes me happy.

Holy cow. It is really coming down.

Man, it really is. We should probably get out of here.

Yeah.

Hey, sort of bad news.

I talked to my cousin, and it turns out

that the owners of the townhouse

already accepted an offer.

Oh, no. That sucks.

Yeah, but she has a bunch of other places just like it

that she wants to show us this weekend.

Gosh, you know what? This weekend I'm actually pretty busy.

Okay. Well, then we'll find some time on Monday.

Did you see the snow?

I did. It's falling from the sky.

Yeah.

Is everything okay?

You know what? I really miss you

when I don't see you for three days.

I know. Me, too. That's why we're moving in together.

No, but I think it's great that I miss you!

You know? And that's not always gonna be the case.

What are you saying?

Um...

I don't really think I'm ready to live with you.

But I thought things were really good between us.

Oh, my God, things are so great.

You know? And that's why I'm not in any hurry

to move on from this part of our relationship.

What part is that?

It's the part that's, like, new and exciting and fun

and, you know, my stomach jumps when you enter a room

and you surprise me with picnics.

And you don't think we could still do that?

Oh, honey, if we have that dining room, we ain't going on picnics.

Yeah. Yeah, and I would never leave that couch.

It's just...

You know, we only have this one chance to have this part.

You know? Before we live together

and we deal with bills and plumbers

and arguing over who's gonna tell Mike it's time to leave.

Oh, I was just gonna never tell him where we live.

He'd find us.

You know what? Maybe you're right. Maybe...

Maybe living together right now is a little bit fast.

Maybe.

I love you.

Yeah? Yeah.

I do. I do. I just...

I don't know. Is that too fast?

No. It's perfect.

I love you, too. Yeah?

Mmm-hmm.

Hey, do you want to go to my place

and I'll clear off some space for your toothbrush?

Hey, hey, hey. Slow down, lady.

Come on. One thing at a time, huh?

And sometimes all it takes is a nice day or two

to remind you that cold weather has its upside, too.

Poop! Will you poop, please?

Night, Mike.

See you, guys.