Original subtitles

Everyone has that friend who doesn't necessarily know what's best for himself.

Mine's Brendan.

Hey, what's up, guys? You mind if I put this here?

It came with my new scooter.

You bought a scooter? In the middle of winter.

Dude, tell me about it. Way too cold to be walking everywhere.

Bren, I don't think that's such a good idea. Why?

Because you on a scooter is a recipe for disaster.

Do you even know how to ride that thing?

It's a scooter, man.

It's like a bike with no pedals. What's to know?

I think more than that.

You guys are worrying for nothing, man. I'm gonna be fine.

If I had a dollar for every time

I watched you make a stupid decision.

How much would you have?

Enough to buy that scooter off him

before he ends up like Gary Busey.

All right, I gotta go. Gotta practice with the band before our first gig.

Hey, all right! You guys have already got a gig?

Yeah. At Brendan's joint.

Technically, it's not a gig. It's an open mic night.

I'll get you guys fliers. We're working on a name,

but right now we are leaning towards the Kenny Moritorri Band.

It's catchy. Yeah. At least for the first gig.

Uh... Open mic night.

Problem is, we lost our bass player,

so right now we're really scrambling.

Oh, Andy, didn't you used to play bass?

I did indeed. In high school I was in a band called Skank.

Hey, you know, we're seeing people tonight.

Maybe you should come by and audition.

I was in Skank. I don't audition.

You know what? Honestly, we can't be choosy anyways.

We got a gig in four days. Open mic night.

Andy, you're in.

Let's Skank out of here.

Hey, one favor. Yeah?

I can't fit the drums in my car,

so we're gonna have to borrow Meredith's minivan on the night of the gig.

It's not a gig!

I've been searching everywhere for you guys.

Everywhere?

Well, here. I searched here first.

Okay, listen, you guys.

I am running a You're a Great Guy, But... seminar tomorrow,

and I need a favor.

You run seminars now?

My agent's created a whole industry off of this book.

Women bring their girlfriends that are in bad relationships,

and I empower them to break up with the jerks in their lives.

Turns out women pay a lot of money to sit in a hotel room

and get advice from Stephanie.

Women will take advice from anyone serving them

a little cheese and a lot of wine,

but I'm short a dumping dummy.

Dumping dummy?

I need a man to be a dummy for the women to practice their break-up speeches.

Obligatory joke about Mike being a dummy.

Obligatory joke about Mike being dumped.

Now that's just lazy, guys.

I blanked.

Andy's not here. He usually does those.

Will one of you guys help me?

Oh, no, no, not me.

I just recently endured a real break-up speech and I've had my fill.

You know what, Mike? This might be just the thing for you.

You know, a room full of women about to be single.

Mmm. Facing the long, dark tunnel of loneliness,

desperate to find someone new.

And they're buzzed on wine, you say?

Fish in a barrel, meet sexy Mike!

Run, fish, run!

Sometimes, when you see a friend

acting against his best interests,

you feel like you need to intervene.

Man, turns out driving a scooter's hard.

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

Yeah.

Oh, you are hurt!

No, no, no, no, no. Dr. Brendo thinks it's just a sprain.

The doctor in your head?

Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, he does want me to reinforce the drugstore bandage,

but do we have any duct tape?

$13.

For duct tape?

No, Kenny has asked me to keep track of all your bad decisions,

and I would be up to $13 after last night's shot of kiwi schnapps.

You really think you would have made 13 better decisions than me?

Absolutely. No to that scooter. No to the blue socks.

No to the third bowl of pretzels.

No to the homemade toothpaste.

Hey, that's just baking soda and egg whites.

Ugh! Then at least refrigerate it.

Hmm.

Good point.

You know, sometimes I wish I had a little P.J.

You know, one that I could take with me,

sort of help guide me in the right direction.

Would I sit on your shoulder? Oh! Could I have wings?

Little P.J. She'd be stern, but fair.

You know what could be a fun experiment? Hmm?

Let me make all of your decisions just for one week,

and we'll see if your life is better or worse.

Interesting idea.

You might want to agree before you eat the three-week-old yogurt.

Come on, I'm sure it's fine.

$14.

All right. Deal.

Brendan, I never see you wear V-neck sweaters. You look good.

It's all thanks to P.J.

She's been pulling out stuff I should wear more often.

Wait a minute. P.J.'s dressing you now?

Brendan has given all of his decision-making rights over to me for a week.

Careful. I did that with Meredith. Never got them back.

I gotta say, so far it's working out pretty great, man.

I mean, she got me to go to a real doctor.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. A microwave burrito? What's going on?

I'm hungry.

Play some poker. You'll order something healthy later.

Ooh! What am I having?

You were thinking some chicken and salad.

Mmm.

Thanks, little P.J.

What are you doing to little me?

Patting her on the back. Oh.

So, what's gonna happen to that burrito? Come to daddy.

Brendan, I was wondering if the Kenny Moritorri Band

can get a quick practice session in at the bar before the gig.

Open mic night, and no.

I think what you mean is,

"I think I can find an hour for you.

"Whatever I can do to help a friend."

I think we can carve some time out for you tomorrow afternoon, pal.

Yeah, I can only rehearse during lunch.

That is, as long as I can eat during rehearsal.

Uh... That's not ideal.

The way I figure it is the band's gonna need

at least 20 hours a week rehearsal

if we want to get to the next level.

What level is that?

You know, writing, recording an album,

summer tour, maybe with Wilco.

Twenty hours?

It seems a little much, Kenny.

Not if you want to get to the next level.

When you say next level, that kind of implies we're on some sort of level,

but we're not. We're nothing.

Uh-oh. I am not feeling well. That burrito has some fight in her.

All right, burrito. Let's go work this out in private.

See? That could've been you.

It's just that Ethan has no time for me anymore.

It's all about his career.

Well, often the thing that initially attracted you to a person

is the thing you wind up not being able to stand.

That's true. I liked him because he was so driven,

but it turns out he's just selfish.

It's time for you to break up with Ethan.

Now, sometimes saying the words is hard.

Mike is here to help you practice. Go ahead.

Hey.

Ethan, you're a great guy, but we're through.

Yes!

Yeah, that was great.

I think you should pack and get out.

You're just no good. I'm no good.

Everyone knows you're a pig.

I think you should pack and get out!

Yeah, and then hit me! Ah!

And the way you love your mama is sick! Totally sick.

Feels like you're in love with yourself more than me.

Well, it's hard. I mean, when you've got a body like this,

how can you not love it? Boop! Boop!

Mike, be serious.

I am serious. Come on, ladies.

You know it. You see it. A thoroughbred.

I gotta run.

You can't keep me in the paddock, lady.

I gotta get out in that grass and start dancing!

All right, all right, time for a break.

Having a good time?

A blast.

I haven't had this kind of self-esteem boost

since I threw up on myself in sixth grade.

You're really funny, Mike.

Oh, thanks.

You know, my ex-boyfriend was so serious.

Are you here to break up with me/him later?

No, no, no. I'm just here with a friend. Oh.

She's the one who called you a pig.

Oh, yeah. She was nice.

I don't understand. What's happening?

Where are you calling me from?

We're done, Ethan. I'm breaking up with you!

Yes! Yes!

So, are you busy later,

or do you want to practice getting a nightcap with a guy?

Lot of standing around today, huh?

Aren't you glad I chose the more comfortable shoes?

Not only that, but the baby powder? Who knew?

Hey. All right, great.

We're all here. Before we get started, quick band meeting.

All right, but I only have till... I've been thinking.

Our set list, it's a little small.

Well, we only have the stage for 10 minutes.

I think what's most important is that we be generating original material

as quick as possible,

so I want everybody here to write five songs this week.

Okay, let's all come in tomorrow

with 10 possible names for our first album.

Shouldn't we be practicing?

That's a good idea.

Let's get back in tune.

Hey, I gotta go. I got a deposition starting in 20 minutes.

Good luck, man. My last one did not go well.

Here's my card. I'm a lawyer.

Hey, you mind if I leave some fliers for my band?

Not at all.

So you're Downward Spiral, huh?

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm-mmm...

I'm Brendan. I'm the manager here.

Amazing.

My psychics agreed that I was going to meet an "R" and an "N."

Brendan.

Wow. Wow.

Wow. Yeah.

We're supposed to spend multiple lifetimes together.

Should we get started?

Yes, we should.

You know, maybe you guys could play here sometime.

Yeah, that'd be wicked.

Wicked.

All right, I'm gonna go,

but do you know where I can find absinthe this early?

Uh...

All right, I'll figure it out. Okay.

So I'll see you soon.

Brendan. Brendan.

No, no, no, no, no...

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

No! Oh, yes, yes, yes.

This chick is wicked.

Wicked?

Like Boston wicked or, like, witch wicked?

Who cares?

Dude, I checked out her band's Web site last night.

Let me tell you, I liked what I saw.

Yeah?

Downward Spiral is the next big thing?

No, no. Dude, the band kind of sucks,

but Gwendolyn playing bass is a thing to be...

Oh! Can it. Here comes P.J.

You know, I think the Cubs would do themselves a big favor

by picking up a true left-hander.

Yeah.

You're talking about that crazy rocker chick you met, aren't you?

She's a singer/bassist.

She's psycho/crazy.

Psycho/crazy was Skank's first name.

So what'd you do, Brendan?

Nothing. Huh?

Brendo? What did you do?

I invited her to Crowley's tonight.

What about our deal?

Little P.J. said it was okay. Uh-uh.

Didn't you? Yeah. Can't you hear her? I can.

Gwendolyn, she's an accident waiting to happen.

No, she's a microwaved burrito

driving a scooter in blue socks.

Hey, for your information, Mike said that burrito was delicious.

And I got another one on the way home. That one really did me in.

Hey, speaking of mistakes, how was it being an emotional tackling dummy?

Great. I actually hooked up with this really cool woman.

Wow. The dummy tackled back.

Yeah. We went out after and she thinks I'm funny. Yeah.

Who knew that being funny was gonna be my in with the ladies?

She thinks you're funny?

She thinks I'm hilarious.

Actually, last night, I busted out my koala bear doing the Rubik's Cube,

which you guys never really appreciated.

Is that what that is? I always thought it was a squirrel, like, opening mail.

You see? That's not funny.

Anyway, she likes me so much that we're going out to dinner with her friends,

so, looks like I'm taking this show on the road.

Andy, why didn't you show up for the photo shoot?

That was for real? Yes, it was for real.

I only rented that merry-go-round for an hour, you know.

Why are we shooting the album cover

before we've even had our first gig?

Open mic night. Exactly.

Hey, I'm taking this band very seriously.

I think you're taking it a little bit too seriously.

Like, stop calling my wife to find out if I rehearse. It's weird.

I gotta say, I'm starting to question your commitment to the band.

There's no question. The Kenny Moritorri Band is fifth,

after kids, wife, job, sleeping, eating.

And drinking.

Drinking! Six. Seven. Online Scrabble.

Anyway, I gotta get out of here.

I have a wrongful discharge case in the morning.

My wrongful discharges are usually in the morning as well.

It's just us, buddy. You don't have to be on.

Here, I'll give you a ride back to the '20s.

Hello!

Oh! Is that the witch?

Brendo.

Relax, all right? I'm just going to buy her a beer and talk music.

Meet me in Tulsa. I'll be there by morning.

It'll be worth the trip.

Tulsa? That's one long scooter ride.

Dude, you are not seriously considering that.

Come on, Peej. I haven't had any girl fun in a really long time.

Girl fun? That's what you call it?

I'm just saying I haven't been on a date in months.

I'm not saying don't date. I'm saying don't date that.

You haven't exercised in a while, right?

Don't sign up for a triathlon. You do a little stretching first.

I don't want you to hurt yourself.

You're right. You're right. You're right.

Who needs? Yes, please.

Yeah? Yeah.

What is that look?

Oh, I know that look.

I do, too, and I don't like it.

We're not getting our beer, are we?

No.

And believe you me, I never picked up the violin again.

Mike, I mean, you kill me.

Robin!

Hey! Hey, you guys!

Mike, these are my dear friends.

This is Jill and this is Todd.

Hey, nice to meet you.

Robin, I'm so sorry we're late.

There was an emergency at the hospital.

What happened? Did you lose your patience?

What? Patience.

Did you lose your... Not patients, but patience.

Uh, what happened?

A school bus crashed.

Colonial Williamsburg is amazing.

You know, Todd's such a history buff.

They were building a cannon using 18th century...

I love that you have a Bluetooth earpiece on in this one. Huh?

The British are coming!

One if by land, two if by the information superhighway.

Ha!

Come on, Todd. Let it out! It's okay to laugh.

Give me those.

Hey, who ordered the tax and tip?

Uh-oh! Somebody broke a window. Boo-ya!

I think you should work on a design for the bandana.

I'm gonna need you to run over to the army surplus store on Belmont

and pick up a tent. Hang on a second.

We need to talk.

Yeah. I kind of need to talk to you too, Kenny.

Okay, let me start.

Getting a band's chemistry just right can be a tricky thing, Andy.

I completely agree.

And I like you,

but I don't want our differences about the band

to get in the way of our friendship.

So glad to hear you feel that way.

I was completely dreading this.

I've already talked to the rest of the band,

and we all agreed we should probably go on without you.

I'm sorry, what now?

Well, the guys and I are having fun playing music,

and you're a little intense. You're messing with the vibe.

To be clear, you're kicking me,

Kenny Moritorri, out of the Kenny Moritorri Band?

We still want you to come to the show, you know, comped.

Hey, guys. I need your help.

Brendan was supposed to be my dummy for my seminar tonight,

and I found out that he's gone. I need a man.

Whoa, no, no. Sorry, Steph. Robin's calling me later,

and I gotta be a man for her tonight.

Bobby, why don't you fill in?

Well, I don't want to miss the Kenny Moritorri Band.

It's their first gig.

Open mic night.

Hasn't even rehearsed yet. Come on.

And it's Kenny. I mean, how good can it be?

Don't worry, he'll do it.

Whoa! Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I think you got me confused with Brendo, Peej.

See, I'm not the guy that you get to make all the decisions for.

I'm sorry.

Of course you're not. I'll see you at 8:00.

Okay.

What just happened?

You just don't take anything seriously, and it's become a problem.

I mean, I think you're funny, but you're always on, you know?

It's tiring, Mike.

That's really good, Robin. Really good.

Okay. It's time to end it for real now.

Okay.

Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me.

Excuse me. I'm so sorry. Sorry.

Hey, hello? Hey, Robin.

Hey, I can barely hear you. What's with the echo?

Hang up, Mike! It's a trap!

You're a great guy, but everything's not a joke.

You're never serious. It's over, Mike.

What just happened?

Kenny, it sucks they kicked you out of the band

right before your first gig.

It's just an open mic night.

Besides, Brendan wasn't even there. You know, I'm fine with it.

In fact, maybe what I'll do is I'll start the Andy Franklin Band

and I'll see how he likes it.

Hey, at least you didn't get dumped over the phone

in front of a room full of strangers.

And me. I was there.

I thought it was going so well. Why did she end it?

I don't know. I guess I was too funny for her.

Buddy, I hate to split hairs, but...

What happened to you?

Dude, that girl is insane!

We partied in a quarry, we had sex in a nursing home.

I got pushed in a river. We broke into a zoo. Oh!

I had to take a bus home, man. Somehow she got me on the no-fly list.

Tulsa has a river?

Oh, man!

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I smell kind of weird.

Apparently, when Gwen breaks up with you,

she's gotta douse you with turtle urine.

Something about cleansing the spirit guides or something.

Dude, that's rough.

I don't know. No regrets, man.

It might have been the greatest two days of my life.

Dude, you almost died. Twice.

Yeah, what a rush. So worth it.

Here's to sex in the zoo!

Yes.

You can only do so much to protect someone from themselves.

I can show Brendan the dangers, but in the end...

Sorry, Peej. Sometimes you gotta just eat the burrito.

Oh! Speaking of that, I am hungry.

Who's up for an Awful Burger? Mmm!

What's an Awful Burger?

Double cheeseburger. Grilled onions. Smothered in chili.

On a bed of twice deep-fried hash browns with a fried egg on top.

It's not on the menu. You gotta order it special.

Who's in? P.J.?

All right, what the hell. Yeah.

Cool. 'Cause if a chick orders it, we get half off!

The things that girl could do with a wheelchair.

Wheelchair? Yeah.