Original subtitles

A wise man once said,

"A little friendly competition never hurt anyone."

You need any help organizing my money?

I wonder if he was talking about this bunch?

Who needs?

So you guys all still down for the games decathlon this weekend?

Is that the board game thing?

Oh, yeah! Yeah!

Ten games, three nights, the losers buy booze for the winning team

for one whole month.

Finally. It's a chance to avenge our loss to these two.

Yeah! Yeah!

We didn't lose. We tied.

Tying Mike is a loss, so we lost.

Yes! Victory is ours! Eat it!

Good one, Weird Al. So not scared.

You better be, 'cause Kenny and I are gonna be all over you

like a pair of wool pajamas.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Kenny is my partner.

Your partner?

Yeah, don't you remember?

You were just sitting in for me.

I couldn't make the last decathlon.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. You were off dating that rich guy.

Vince. Mitch.

Hank. No, I think it was Mitch.

Mitch. Vince. Hank. Whatever, man. That dude sucked.

All the guys you date suck.

I kind of like the new one.

Hmm. Bobby, you must suck in some way.

We just haven't figured it out yet.

You hurt my sister, I'll have another scotch.

Anyway, the point is, the team is me and Kenny,

it always has been, and we're three and one against you, suckers!

Uh-uh!

Three and two.

Okay, but it's still my team.

That I'm not on. I want to play.

Okay. We pick Bobby. Bobby!

Wait. We're picking up new players now?

You can't do that. This is not happening.

Look, losers pick first, and we pick Bobby.

Now it's your turn. We're not picking new players.

What are you talking about? It's three against three.

This will not stand!

Oh. It will stand. It will stand tall.

And then it will do a river dance.

You know what? That's cool. That's cool.

They want to be lame, that's fine. We'll pick... Um...

Wait a minute.

I think he moved.

There's only one person left.

Dude.

It's all right. I've been picked last before,

but I'm a lawyer now, and I make $800,000 a year.

Really? No.

But it made you want to be my friend, didn't it?

Okay, it's settled. You schmucks are going down.

Dude, not a chance.

Us, The Dream Team. You, Angola.

Us, Cheez-Its. You, Cheese Nips.

Us, The Godfather. You, Godfather III.

Us, Radiohead. Y'all, Coldplay.

What's wrong with Coldplay?

Oh, dude, if you even need to ask...

Who's Coldplay?

All right, all their songs sound the same, the guy's a douche,

and he named his kid Apple.

Okay. Now, who's Radiohead?

Hey, all!

Hey.

Steph, it's poker night. What's your deal?

Well, I just got a really cool freelance gig.

I'm writing an article for Cosmo.

It's called, "What He's Really Like When You're Not Around."

When you're not around? Happier.

So, I need your help. You're beyond help.

Wow. Two jokes in a row, Kenny. You want to go for three?

What did the rug say to the floor?

I've got you covered.

So I would love to watch you guys

for a couple of days just being yourselves.

You know, like... You know, like a window into a frat house.

I want to see how you behave when you don't have to behave.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did you think they're behaving right now?

'Cause I guarantee one of them has their pants unbuttoned.

That's how I roll. Why would we want to help you?

We all got burned by your last book.

Yeah, you made everyone look like a jerk.

Well, not everyone.

I mean, what's in it for us?

I'll buy you lunch.

Come on, guys. Free lunch.

Any restaurant in the city? Sure.

Does it include a beverage or not?

If that's what it takes, yes. Do we have a deal?

I'll have a steak burrito and a large orange drink.

Anywhere in the city!

I said steak.

With a burrito I can save half for dinner.

Great! I am so excited!

I'll be like Dian Fossey.

That's funny.

Dian Fossey was a woman who watched what apes do for a living.

What did they do? Who?

The apes. They were apes.

But did they make stuff? No.

So what did they do for a living?

Mike, go lie down.

Sweep! Sweep!

Guys, come on, please. Give me something.

You haven't said a word to each other in 45 minutes.

Uh...

I'm Mike. Kenny.

Oh, come on!

What? This is what we do.

What do you want us to talk about?

You know, whatever. Stuff that you guys normally talk about, okay?

Okay. Okay. Um...

Hey, did you know that lobsters have clear blood?

I didn't know they had blood.

They do. And it's clear. Hmm.

I've learned something new today.

You're welcome.

Guys, now you're just being ridiculous.

No, it's true. It's clear. That's pretty crazy, right?

No, no. Not that. You guys. Come on.

I need you to be more, you know, guy-y.

Guy-y?

I don't even know what that means.

Hey, I know. Where's my burrito?

Fine. Forget it. Boys.

♪ And the home

♪ Of the brave

Play Ker Plunk!

...gonna go low. That's it. Careful, careful, careful.

All right, it's all right.

Go high! Go high! Go... And...

Yes! Damn it!

Like I said, gentlemen, us, the Dream Team, you guys, Angola.

That means eat it in Angola. I learned it just for this.

Boom.

Set up!

Thank you, sir.

Dr. Brendo! Paging Dr. Brendo!

Dr. Brendo is now on call.

Scalpel.

Grab the bread-basket.

Yes.

Just dab.

Look at that. Harvard Medical School, people. And suction!

All right. Okay.

All right, babe, take it away.

I am going to remove this man's wishbone.

No, no, no. Do the spareribs, not the wishbone.

Uh...

No, not the writer's cramp. It rolls under the lip.

Peej, I know what I'm doing.

Okay, sorry. I'm sorry.

Just remove the spareribs.

Well, I'm pretty sure we all know what you've had removed.

But you gotta get the tip of it.

No!

Good work, doctors.

Yes, very steady hands, gentlemen.

Learned it from a colleague of mine, Johnnie Walker.

Have you two met?

Perhaps he's at the bar!

Who needs?

Yes, please.

I know it says ages six and up,

but really, it's tougher than that.

I know, I know. It's just...

You don't have to tell me. I can pick my own pieces, you know.

Okay. It's just one game, though.

And we're still up two to one.

Right, right. I'm just saying, you know,

they're just stupid board games,

so, you know, relax.

Relax? I'm relaxed.

Yeah, but sometimes you get a little too competitive.

What do you mean? I'm just as competitive as everybody else.

Peej, you're uber-competitive.

You are just as competitive as I am. No way.

Oh, my God. You are. That's so not true.

Yes it is! Is not.

You're trying to win this ridiculous argument.

I am not!

Probably. You see?

You care about winning just as much as I do.

No, I do not. I am just trying to give you

a bit of constructive criticism,

and if you don't want to hear it,

that is totally fine.

Wow. And, by the way,

the spareribs are way harder than they look.

Oh, really?

Yeah, that was really...

What did that wise man say about friendly competition again?

So, we kind of had our first fight.

Bobby thinks I'm too competitive.

You? No! He's crazy.

No, but he would've never said anything if we weren't dating.

I mean, what is it about guys that when you start dating them,

they feel free to have opinions about you?

Well, they're measuring you against the idea of their dream girl,

and they've all got one. Yeah?

Jessica Alba, Heidi Klum,

people not known for their trash-talking, or saying, "In your face."

It's so irritating.

The male ego is fragile.

That's why I never play games with guys I date.

It always gets weird. They can never just play to have fun.

Well, but I'm not a guy. Not always.

And I can totally play to have fun. He'll see. Not always?

You look cute today.

Don't. Oh, how's your article coming?

I don't know. I don't know what to do.

I've learned nothing so far. Except lobsters have clear blood.

That's not really a Cosmo article.

Oh! But I'm going to your apartment to watch Brendo, though.

That should work out for me. He leads a much sexier life.

So, this is what you do on your day off?

I'm getting stuff done around the house.

Cleaning.

Yeah!

Tara wants to go ice skating at Millennium Park.

Tara! Who is she?

A waitress at the club.

Okay. Waitress, I like it. I like it. All right, so what now, huh?

Dude, I can't. I'm way too busy.

Brendan, you're doing absolutely nothing.

Bob Fossey didn't judge those monkeys.

Okay, first of all, it wasn't Bob, and secondly...

Never mind.

Hey! I've got an hour, bud. You ready?

Yeah! Let's do this.

Weird. What's she doing here?

Watch a couple of monkeys play Madden '09.

Yeah!

Uh... Uh... Uh...

Beaker! A vase.

A glass.

Martini! I'd know that drink anywhere.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Okay, okay.

Okay, this one is...

Candy Land. Platypus.

Devil! Devil! Devil!

A pig. Uh...

A rooster, you guys. It's a rooster.

A hairy pig?

Times up! No!

It's a dragon.

How the hell is that a dragon, man?

Dragons have wings.

Oh, sorry. I forgot that dragons have wings, Iron Maiden guy. Jeez.

Hey, we got two. We got two. We're in good shape.

It's our turn. We need three to win. Good.

Three to win.

Good game, you guys. That was crazy. Congratulations.

Your time begins now!

Okay. Uh...

Okay, that is a bunch of squiggly lines.

Okay. Squiggly lines under the water! Squiggly lines in the pool!

Squiggly lines in the ocean! Eels! It's gotta be eels.

Oh, my gosh, school of fish! Stingrays! Eels! Seaweed!

Yes! Yes! Right! Right!

Oh, my God. Good call. I would've never guessed that one.

Okay... Uh...

This is something long like a log.

It's got tubes. Some kind of log tube.

A pole. A pole?

It's a hot dog! It's a hot dog, right? Okay. It's a hot dog with legs.

It's a running hot dog!

A running hot dog.

All right, he's drawing something new. What the hell is that?

It's a space ship! It's a sandwich!

It's a hamburger! It's a hamburger, right?

Okay, and it's a hamburger with legs. And it's a hamburger running!

Where's it going? It's going to McDonald's,

'cause it's Mayor McCheese. It's the Hamburglar.

What is it? What the hell is it?

Time's up!

It's fast food.

Boom goes the dynamite!

"Fast food." Of course. That's a good drawing.

Why are you high-fiving me?

I don't know. It was a good game.

That's not how it works. You're the enemy. Don't high-five me.

There you go. That's what I'm talking about!

Ooh. It's just stupid games, right? We're just having fun.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, does your brother live north or south of Webster?

South. South. Got it.

Oh. How's the decathlon going? Are you being a good sport?

I'm just playing to have fun. We're losing. It's horrible.

But, hey, I'm gonna prove that I'm the better man.

Woman. Girl.

Whatever.

Hey, how are the dudes?

Really boring.

As dull as I thought they were, they get duller.

Really?

Having said that, I have high hopes for Andy.

He's got a family and a full life.

He's going to need to blow off some steam.

Honey, are you sure you don't want to come to the zoo

with me and the kids?

There's absolutely nothing I'd rather do,

but it's the perfect day to get on the roof and clean out those gutters.

Okay. Just be careful on the ladder.

You know me. Mayor of Safetyville,

where I recently passed a bill demanding more safety.

Savannah, honey? Where did you put the baby?

Oh, God. Love you! Savannah...

Remember, I'm a ghost. Just pretend I'm not here.

Got it.

Okay.

Which letter is just to the left of the letter C on a computer keyboard?

Z. Nope.

Damn it.

X. Yes.

Who is the Norse god of thunder?

Ooh!

My main man Thor!

Nerd.

P.J., focus, please.

What alloy is formed when you combine tin with lead?

Tin! No, wait. Oh!

Pewter. Yes!

Tin and lead makes pewter?

Peej!

Sorry. I didn't know that.

And, finally, what was the name

of the robot girl on the '80s sitcom Small Wonder?

Vicki. It's Vicki.

That's correct.

It's the best show ever.

Okay, that's it.

And with a final score of 18 to 17, this round goes to...

The Angolans!

What a comeback! What a comeback!

It's like the 49ers!

Nicely done.

I can't believe this.

Which means the decathlon is tied.

Now, according to the new rules of the game,

you are going to play a tiebreaker.

The team that writes down the most correct answers in two minutes

wins the championship. And your time begins now!

Which male tennis star has the most grand slam titles?

Okay. Okay. Well, Ivan Lendl, Bjorn Borg, Boris Becker?

Rod Laver?

Well, actually, I was gonna say...

Oh! It's Federer!

You sure? 'Cause I was going to go Pete Sampras.

No, no, no. It's Federer. I'm positive.

Stan Smith. Okay.

Kenny, I love you, but stop naming your tennis shoes!

In the song My Darling Clementine, how did Clementine die?

She was hit by a bus.

Dude, they didn't even have buses back then.

She was swallowed by a horse.

What are you talking about?

Come on, I know this.

She sat on a muffin. It's a muffet.

It's a tuffet. It's the wrong nursery rhyme.

You're reading too many Golden Books.

Just hold on a second, all right?

Guys, we should go Federer. Okay. Let's do that.

Okay, wait, though. You thought it was Sampras.

No, but if Bobby's sure, let's write that down.

But do you really think it's Sampras?

It doesn't matter. Let's go with your answer, hon.

P.J., you gotta stop doing this. Doing what?

It's like you're not even trying. I'm totally trying.

No, you're not. Why aren't you trying?

I'm totally trying. I'm being a team player. I'm being nice.

Why are you being nice in the middle of the decathlon?

Because he told me I'm too competitive.

Why would you tell her she's too competitive

in the middle of the decathlon?

No, I didn't say that.

Uh, you did.

Okay, we don't have time for this!

You told me to relax.

What is wrong with you? Why would you tell her to relax?

No, but dude, it's 'cause she was, like, all over me,

and she was making me pick the spareribs,

but I was like, "I know how to play Operation."

Oh, my God! I'm gonna write down Rod Laver.

No! No! No! It's not Rod Laver!

How's it coming?

I'm stuck at the part where the guy's the miner, but he's...

Wait! Wait, I got it. Dude, she drowned. She totally drowned!

She drowned? That's excellent!

Write it down.

Is that what this is about? Because I told you to pick the spareribs?

Well, when you put it like that, it makes it sound silly.

In Bobby's defense, a guy doesn't want to be told

what to do in front of his buddies.

It makes him seem a little bit like a wuss.

But Bobby's not like that. He's not, like, a "guy guy."

See, that also makes me sound like a wuss. Am I right, Kenny?

A little bit. But in P.J.'s defense, you told her to relax

in the middle of the decathlon.

Speaking of which, is it Sampras or Federer?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to boss you around.

No, it's okay. It's okay. I overreacted.

I'm sorry that I told you to relax.

And I don't think you're too competitive. Really?

No. You're not too competitive. You know who is? Sampras.

Or is it Federer? Time's up!

Pencils down. Turn in your answers. What?

Okay, I know it's Sampras. I know it.

Wait, we just have to write it down.

Sorry. Too late.

Okay, now, this team got one.

And this team got... None.

How is that possible?

None?

None? That's one less than one!

Which means we won!

We won! We won!

Free booze for a month! And you know what?

Daddy's thirsty now, so pay up, bitches!

It was fun, huh?

I'm gonna get so much expensive liquor even if I don't like it!

Ah!

Pete Sampras. It's Pete Sampras.

Why do I have to be on the team with a couple?

Wow.

God, that's really kind of weird.

I think I'm just getting used to the fact that we're, like, a couple.

Yeah. Yeah, me, too. I mean, maybe that's kind of part of it.

When you told me what to do before we were a couple,

I always had the option of ignoring you.

Well, I mean, you can still do that.

Can I? Really?

Well, choose wisely.

Clearly.

Boom! Oh! And the streak continues!

Ah! I just took your money, Dream Teamer. Mmm-hmm.

That's good. Keep going with it.

Oh, I intend to.

Bong! Hello!

All right. Can we please get a moratorium on the high fives?

There have been way too many of them lately.

I would second that. Totally agree with that.

Okay, okay, but I think we should do one more.

Two, three, four, five. Oh! Hello.

Bang it! Come on! Don't leave me hanging!

Okay, no more. I'm up.

Hey, you guys.

Hey!

So, I turned in my article today and I brought a copy

so that there would be no surprises.

Burrito. Orange drink.

All right, "What He's Really Like When You're Not Around."

What are we like? Totally awesome, right?

"Sorry, ladies. They're complete duds."

What? What?

Come on! Really?

Come on, that's so lame! Here we go.

Okay, "When we're not around, they just shut down.

"They power down like robots."

Robots? Like good robots or evil robots?

Well, I mean, all robots start off good, but, you know...

No, no, no, no, no. Here is the thing. You guys are onto something.

"So I decided to give it a try.

"I spent an entire day on the couch in my sweats, watching old movies."

Sounds like a pretty good day. Yeah.

I'm telling you, my skin has never felt better.

Right?

"We spend so much time trying to achieve

"that we've forgotten the benefits of powering down.

"I encourage you ladies to take some time each day just to do nothing."

It's completely Zen. That's all I'm saying.

I'm totally confused. Are we totally lame or are we totally kickass?

You're everything all at once.

Wow, we're deep.

Powering down's a beautiful thing.

I can't wait till my son's old enough

and I can teach him how to power down properly.

Well, you are the master.

I can power down in milliseconds.

Just did it. And again.

That was a double one.

How's that burrito?

This is gonna put me totally to sleep.