Original subtitles

I'm so lucky.

The guys are always there for me

to share the big life moments.

You guys? Guess what.

Oh, hold on one second, P.J.

Mike was just about to tell us about the time his uncle boxed a kangaroo.

Unless there's something more pressing.

Okay, okay. It's 1967, Melbourne. Uh...

G'day, mate!

Did you get it? I got it.

What'd you get?

Um...

I'll tell you guys later. Let Mike finish his story.

No, no. It's okay. I mean, you've already interrupted us,

so go ahead and tell us all what it is that you got that's so important.

Okay. I got a promotion, you guys.

I'm going to have my own column.

Hey, that's awesome.

Wow! Congratulations!

I didn't know you were up for a column.

Well, I didn't want to make a big deal about it,

you know, in case I didn't get it.

But you did get it, so, yay!

You guys, I can't believe this.

This is, like, my dream job, you know?

I mean, I can cover all different kinds of sports.

I can basically write whatever story I want.

I've got a story for you.

A young Liam Callahan steps into the ring...

Plus, like, it's got to be so much less time on the road, right?

Oh, yeah. But check this out.

They're going to do, like, a whole ad campaign to launch it.

How cool is that?

Uh, super cool.

That is awesome, Peej. It's what you've always wanted.

I know. I know. It is. It is. It is.

But I will finish telling you all about that later,

'cause I really want to hear Mike's story.

Come on. No, no. It's okay.

Come on. Tell us the story.

Come on.

I don't want to. I'm not... I'm not...

Come on. Come on. Come on. Okay. Okay.

So, he steps into the ring.

His rival hops in.

Now, Liam is facing the match of his life,

and Mr. Honkytonk, his opponent, stares right into the eyes,

jumps over the rope, darts into the outback.

He never fought again.

Melbourne's not even near the outback.

Wait, who never fought again? Your uncle or the kangaroo?

My uncle. Oh, no, Mr. Honkytonk was huge.

He ended up on a stamp.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I'll call you tomorrow and let you know what I find out.

All right. Bye.

Who was that?

Oh, it's John.

We're having a few little problems at the club,

like, you know, we're a little behind schedule, haven't decided on a name.

Although, I do have some cool ideas.

"Medicine Bar"? "Elevation"?

"The Goat and Oranges"? No?

No. Dude, no.

I'll come up with something.

And also, you guys know how I've been going around

to these bars and clubs lately,

sort of doing some research and spreading the word?

Well, I'm going out again on Friday. Who's in for Cloister?

Ooh, Friday's bad for me.

I am taking my lady out to celebrate her big promotion.

Well, that's cool. How about you, Peej, you free?

I'm his lady.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

You guys are still kind of getting used to that, huh?

It's not dropping in. I don't know why.

Mike?

Oh, uh, no can do, buddy. I'm on call.

Oh, my God, they still make those?

Mike, why do you have a pager?

It's Maggie's ex-husband's, uh, the surgeon.

It lets me know when it's time to get together.

You know, it's kind of like when Commissioner Gordon

uses the Bat-signal to call the Batman.

Is it, though?

Why doesn't she just phone you?

Yeah, she's not into talking all that much.

Dude. Pretty great, huh?

Dude.

Well, all right. It's just you and me, Kenny.

Oh, man, I hate those douchey clubs.

It's not our scene, Brendo.

Come on, man. All right, look, drinks on me. All night.

All right? I promise. All right.

Yeah.

Speaking of drinks, next round's on me.

Who needs? Yeah, it is.

Oh!

Count me out, suckers. Dr. Mike has got to make a house call.

Time to deliver 10 cc's of love, stat.

Nope. Just the battery's low.

What are we drinking?

So, Kenny, you still up for going out tomorrow night?

I guess. You still buying? All right.

Where you guys going?

They're hitting some bars to spread the word about the club's opening.

And this is the first I'm hearing of it?

Oh, sorry, pal, I just didn't think to ask you.

Well, maybe I won't think to ask you to go to the Jonas Brothers.

That's right. Ouch.

Doesn't feel so good when it happens to you, does it?

What's up? Hey.

Why are you looking all ladylike?

Yeah. You look all good.

You don't mind that I said she looked good, right?

Of course not.

Well, I took some photos today

'cause I have a column.

That's why you give the hot chick the column.

Because nobody wants to look at pictures of an old, bald, wrinkly dude.

Well, I don't really think that's why I got the column.

Oh, come on, P.J. Don't be naive.

You think that your looks have nothing to do

with you getting that promotion?

No. I would like to think it's because I earned it.

By being hot.

By being a good writer.

You are a great writer.

Thank you. You are a little biased.

He's right.

You are a great writer with long blonde hair and great set of legs.

No offense, Bobby. All good.

Like the late John Updike.

Nice set of getaway sticks on that guy.

I'm just saying that it's more important to be the hot sportswriter.

You don't mind that I keep calling her hot?

Honestly, from the two of them, it was okay.

From you? A little creepy.

What's the big deal? So, being hot got you a job.

You know, it's no different than having a friend help you out getting a gig.

You know, it's, like, the only reason I have my job is because I know Kenny.

Actually, it's because you're hot. Oh.

Yeah, and I wouldn't have had Cabaret Mystique if it wasn't for John.

Cabaret Mystique? Really?

No? No.

You know what? This is borderline offensive.

Borderline? Hey, look how far I've come!

No. This is actually insulting

that you would think I got a promotion because of my looks.

You're a hot chick who knows sports, okay? It's a novelty.

It's like... It's like a boxing kangaroo.

Yeah, hot chicks make everything better.

Hot chicks and football, cheerleaders.

Hot chicks and politics, Sarah Palin.

You still think she's hot?

It's the glasses. I got a thing for smart chicks.

You still think she's smart?

Man, I wish P.J. would listen to me

and not let this bother her so much.

Oh, no, you don't.

But I kind of do.

No, you don't. Let me help you out, Bobby.

See, you're in a relationship now.

What you think, your opinions, they don't matter anymore.

If you want to be happy, just remember this,

she's always right.

Right, but we're in the same field, you know? We're colleagues.

I don't think you understand.

See, you're wearing the journalist hat

when you should be wearing the boyfriend hat.

The boyfriend hat?

It's actually a helmet, but yeah.

Things are different now that you're dating.

You used to wear the friend hat or the journalist hat,

but now you're the boyfriend. You just get the one.

When you wear the boyfriend hat, you got to agree with her.

But what if she's wrong?

She's never wrong.

You're in the back car of this roller coaster, bucko.

You don't do the steering.

But... Listen to me, damn it.

Do not be rational. Do not be reasonable.

Whatever you do, for God's sake, just agree with her.

Okay? Okay.

All right. Glad we had this talk.

Bucko?

Yeah, I don't know where that came from.

All right, all right. You ready?

Yeah, you sure you don't want to just go to Crowley's?

Oh, dude, relax. You're going to have a great time.

All right. But if it's lame, I'm out of there.

Oh, my God.

What's happening, everybody?

Hey!

Open up.

What was that for?

Because you're cute.

Whoo-hoo!

This is the greatest bar in the world.

Yeah, it's not bad.

No. You don't understand.

They have everything. Games on big screen,

prices that aren't obscene, girls that are not mean.

And twins!

Hey, what's up, Steph?

Hi. Please hold for Stephanie Layne.

Wait, what? Who is this?

My new personal assistant.

I'll call you back. Pretty great, huh?

Wait. Why do you have a personal assistant?

My publisher thought I should get one, so I hired Carly.

She's Layne Publishing Group's first employee.

Layne Publishing Group?

It's a division of Layne Enterprises.

You should look into getting one, too, you know?

Now that you're a big columnist.

Oh, my God, Steph. The guys were so irritating last night.

Mike kept saying that the only reason why I got the promotion

was because I'm an attractive woman.

So what? Who cares what they think?

I do. Because it implies that people don't take me seriously.

Who says using your looks to your advantage is wrong, anyway?

You know who? Ugly people.

Being attractive is an asset. It's like being rich or tall.

And you don't see people tall enough to reach the top shelf

standing in line to buy stepladders, do you?

Did you just make that up?

Yes, but it sounded like a saying, didn't it?

All right, look, you're making a mountain out of a molehole.

Okay, that is certainly not a saying.

Well, you know what I mean.

Peej, you're an attractive woman. Don't be ashamed of it.

I mean, if people think that you're a hot sportswriter, then own it.

I guess you're right. I mean, I should just relax.

And it's not like the paper's trying to sell me

as, you know, "The Sports Babe" or something, so it's...

If it makes you feel better, you do not look like that.

I mean, it was horrible.

There I was, all glammed up on this bus with the tag-line,

"P.J. Franklin knows what men want."

Everyone knows what men want. A nap.

I don't know what to do now.

I mean, on the one hand, this was like my dream job.

Yeah, and you should keep it.

But I don't feel right if that's why I got it.

Well, then, maybe you go with your conscience.

So, what? I should just leave it and look for another job?

I mean, that's crazy. I earned this column, you know?

I should not have to give it up.

Man, no matter what I say, it's the wrong thing.

Of course it is. You're the boyfriend.

You're the one that told me to just agree with her.

But you're not. You're trying to fix things.

What's the matter with trying to fix things?

You can't fix things. You think Meredith wants me to fix things?

Well, there is the garbage disposal and the back step,

but even then, I'm not her first choice.

Never be too good at anything that you don't want to do.

Even he knows.

So, I do nothing?

No, you listen.

Just answer "yeah" and "uh-huh"

and watch everything work itself out.

That's wearing the boyfriend hat? Yeah.

And you really think that'll work? Uh-huh.

Because I don't know if P.J.'s gonna fall for that.

Yeah? Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Oh, I see what you're doing. Yeah?

You're very good at this. Uh-huh.

Hey, what's up? Hey.

So, I heard you two had a pretty good time the other night.

Oh, we did.

Oh, man, this bar was unbelievable.

It's like starring in your own awesome beer commercial.

I mean, I swear I felt a cool, mountain breeze

every time somebody opened a bottle.

Okay, I'll go. Go where?

To the, uh, beer commercial place. Tonight. Guys' night out.

All right, but, I mean, is Maggie going to be cool with that?

Oh, yeah, yeah. We're taking some time off.

She dumped you? No, no, no, no, no.

It's, uh... It's more of a cooling-off period.

She dumped you. Yes.

But look what I still have.

Okay, I was thinking. I need the advice of a colleague.

Yeah.

I mean, I should just talk to Jack Brisco.

Uh-huh.

You think that's a good idea? Yeah.

Should I talk to him tomorrow? Uh-huh.

Oh, thank you so much.

I charge by the hour.

Oh!

I'm blowing up.

Tight jeans.

There you go.

Oh, guys, I can't do it tonight. John needs me down at The Rorschach.

Rorschach? No?

No. Oh.

Well, I can't go out tonight,

but you guys should totally go without me. You'll have a great time.

Yes.

What's happening, everybody?

Let's just grab a seat. Come on.

That one's reserved.

Sorry. Sorry.

That one, too.

Really?

I'm not having very much fun.

It's not us. Must be an off night, or something.

You guys can't stand in this corner.

Oh!

Is it Maggie?

No, it's 531-8008?

Flip it.

Boobies! Nice. Nice. Boobies.

Hey, Jack. You got a minute?

For you, sweetheart?

Two.

All right, clock's ticking. What do you got?

All right, well, it's about my column.

Oh, yes. I heard you got the call. Congratulations.

Well, thanks, Jack.

You know, when I was your age, I didn't have a column.

Nope. I was in Vietnam,

doing a little thing called serving my country.

But I suppose backpacking across Europe on Daddy's credit card

prepares one for the world in much the same way.

Anyway... Um...

I really admire the integrity that you've shown throughout your career.

Yeah, you wanna cut to the chase?

Because kissing up is not going to keep me

from making short work of that burrito.

All right, well, I'm sure you've seen the ads the paper's running.

I don't want the job if I got it because, you know, I'm the pretty one.

Oh. Is that all? Yeah, well, you got nothing to worry about.

Really? Yeah.

You know Dina Metzler? Out of LA?

Well, she was up for the same gig.

And Dina is way hotter than you.

Excuse me. You know her?

No? Well, she's young, younger than you.

And, um, she covers football. Boy, does she cover football.

Jack... You probably haven't seen her before

because she's always bathed in brilliant white light.

All right, Jack, what you're trying to say is I earned the job?

I'm trying to say that they had a chance to hire Helen of Troy

and they went with integrity.

Damned if I know why.

Boy, that woman aroused feelings in me I thought dead since the '70s.

Anyway, you better go turn in that column, kid.

You're on deadline.

Thanks, Jack.

I don't know what happened.

Last time I went with Brendo,

we were treated like the two most popular guys

in a super-awesome beer commercial.

Well, that's because Brendo wasn't with us this time.

You think that's it?

Dude, of course that's it.

Those doors open up for Brendo. That's a Brendo scene.

That's not our scene.

Yeah, and let's be honest, it's exhausting.

The shots, the dancing, the standing.

Dude, my feet still hurt. See? This is our scene.

Where we get to sit like adults.

Have a conversation, huh? Let's enjoy.

Mmm. Mmm...

You can really taste the hops in this one.

Yeah. It's got a full body, a robust flavor.

But I'm not full, and I've had four.

Now, that's a good beer. Yeah.

This is a great bar, okay?

I mean, you've got Lefty, Steve, other Steve.

Yes, we don't need that other place. No.

This is our place. Not going.

Look, if you offered me 100 grand to go to that bar right now, I'm not in.

Here's $100,000. I will not take it.

Here's $150,000. I won't take it.

Here's $200,000. Mmm, still not!

You have principles!

Principles! I will not go to that bar.

What's up, fellas? Hey.

How you doing? Good. Good.

Got off a little early. Thought I was gonna go over to Cloister.

You guys wanna go? Let's go.

Oh, absolutely. Let's rock 'n' roll...

So, what do you think? Do you think it's good?

Yeah.

And you think I was right keeping the job?

Uh-huh.

'Cause I know I'm not, like, just some pretty face, right?

Yeah.

What are you doing?

I don't know. Ugh!

I'm sorry, do you... Do you really want to know what I think?

What do you mean? Of course I do.

Well, it's just, I've kind of been trying

to tell you for the last few days,

but it sort of seems like you don't care what I think.

Of course I care what you think.

Well, here's the thing. You went to Stephanie.

And then you went to Jack.

But Stephanie's my friend and Jack's my colleague.

Oh. Oh.

If only you knew someone who straddled both of those worlds.

Okay. But, I mean, you're biased, you know?

You're gonna think everything I do is great. Won't you?

Uh-huh.

Wait. No, I'm gonna be honest with you. Okay?

Because I want to help.

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm just...

I'm not used to having somebody in the trenches with me,

you know, who cares.

Well, I do.

And I honestly think that this column is really fantastic.

Honestly?

Yeah, I mean, it's smart and it's funny. It's a really strong start.

I love that you never mention Jordan.

But the end is...

I don't know. Maybe...

Maybe what?

Maybe the best writing ever.

Yeah? Yeah.

Didn't I tell you? Hey.

Dude, that place was unbelievable.

Brendo, you should name your bar Cloisters

and maybe it'll be just like that.

Yeah, I don't think that's how that works.

Besides, John's already got a name picked out that he likes better.

Really? What is it?

John's.

John named the club "John's"?

Yeah. Wish I'd known that

before I ordered up all these Chitty Chitty Bar Bar T-shirts.

But you live and you learn.

Do you, though?

Not really.

Hey, Peej, is that your column?

I read it. It's great.

Oh, thanks. No, it really is.

Have you seen how popular it is online?

Not yet.

Wow, it's the most read column in the section.

Look at that.

Look at all the people who've written in the comments section.

Oh, no, no. I don't want to see what people have said.

You're getting some really good feedback.

Maybe I'll just take a look at a couple.

Look. "Great column."

"So right about the Bulls."

"It's about time someone gets it."

You see that? All compliments.

Well, except for that one.

Which one? The one here that says

that you're not as hot as Dina Metzler.

Who is this Dina Metzler woman

and why does everybody think she's so hot?

And by the way, would it kill somebody to at least mention I'm cute?

Oh, wow, she's gorgeous.

Yeah.

How about a toast?

To what?

To P.J.'s promotion!

No, no. To good friends.

You see, Kenny's wrong.

His real life beer ad is actually pretty great.

This feels dumb.

Good friends, great times.

Because wine is too expensive.

Hear, hear.