Original subtitles

What is he doing?

It looks like he's working.

That is what it looks like.

His parents will want a picture, right?

Yeah.

All right, you can stop it.

I'm supervising the renovations on my club. I'm not a circus freak.

No, circus freaks don't default

on their student loans. Hey!

When something changes with your friends,

it's like dropping a pebble in some water.

It seems like nothing, but there's a ripple effect.

Hey, guys. Hey.

Hey, Bobby. Hey.

Hey. Notice anything?

Oh, yeah. You guys shaved your mustaches.

Mmm-hmm. You look so much young-ish.

Mike, did you not get the memo?

Yeah. I don't have to do the same thing as those guys.

Since when?

This 'stache has changed my life.

My mechanic takes me more seriously.

The guy at the newsstand tells me stories about Nam.

Remember how we always wondered

what kind of girl would enter a wet T-shirt contest? I met them.

Wow, I always thought that was a myth, you know,

like scholar-athletes or unicorns.

No, they are very real.

I saw it. Where were you guys, anyway?

I was at Stephanie's.

We got caught up in this amazing documentary about this plague

that killed, like, literally millions...

Where were you?

Oh. Uh, my buddy is a video artist.

He had an opening last night.

Dude, we have got to get you laid.

Actually, I met this girl at the wet T-shirt contest last night

that I think you might like.

Uh, she's in college, so you know she's smart.

That's okay. Yeah, dude, go easy on him.

All right? I mean, he was going to get married a month ago.

That's forever. That's, like, 30 days.

Look, the best way to get over an emotional tragedy

is with quick, meaningless,

potentially embarrassing sex.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

Why don't you just jump into bed with the first woman you come across?

Fine. Fine. If it'll make everybody happy.

Oh, man. I gotta go.

Looks like the Cubs are honing in on a new free agent.

What? Why haven't I heard about it?

See you guys.

Later.

Oh. Wow. The Cubs are honing in on a new free agent. I gotta go.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

What about letting the, uh, weasel run wild?

That was hard to say.

Sorry, guys. Work first.

Don't I know it.

I've got to turn these blueprints in tomorrow to the hard-hat man.

Is that his official title?

Bet you wish you'd kept that 'stache now, huh?

No.

Of course, dating Bobby isn't a pebble.

It's more like throwing a Buick into a pond.

Nice. Don't you think?

Yeah.

Oh, and, hey, you're not concerned

because I jumped into bed with the first person I came across, right?

See, that is why I'm with you.

You are the only one in there who heard a word that I said.

What?

Oh, my God! Hey.

You're up so... In the morning.

Tell me about it. I gotta go meet the electricians at 8:00.

Hey, wait a second. Why are you up so early?

I went to the gym.

But you're not whining.

I mean, aren't those the same clothes you were wearing yesterday?

You said it. I am not a gym girl.

I just kind of grabbed whatever was on my bed.

Hey, did you know that those utility workers

are notorious for being on time?

Really? Mmm.

Shoot. All right, I gotta go. Um...

Do you think Starbucks is even gonna be open this early?

It's possible.

Skedaddle.

Shave that mustache. You're ruining '70s porn for me.

What are you talking about? I went to the hardware store this morning.

It was the first time no one asked if I was in a play.

Why did you go to the hardware store?

I went to see the monkey. Oh. How is he?

So cute. They had him in jeans today.

Ah. Andy! You joining us?

Andy!

Can't stay long. It's my night to cook.

Nice. What are you making?

The 17 and the 22. Picking it up next door.

What's with the flowers?

Well, Meredith just had the baby and she's being run ragged,

so I'm making an effort to be the ultimate husband.

You know, make her feel special, pick up some of the slack.

I don't get it.

Well, if she's the ultimate wife,

I'll get a night off. Huh?

Oh, that's why they grow flowers.

What's up, fellas?

Hey.

So, I think P.J. is seeing somebody.

Ooh!

Really? Why?

Well, I've been keeping kind of a crazy schedule lately.

Like someone with a job?

Exactly. And, uh, I'm pretty sure that I caught her sneaking home this morning.

Ooh!

I mean, would it really be so terrible if P.J. had a boyfriend?

Oh, well, look, dude, if she's hiding this guy,

then he's obviously a total tool and she's ashamed of him,

or he's completely awesome and she's ashamed of us.

So, I mean, either way, I'm offended.

I don't know, Brendan. P.J.'s never been able to hide douchey guys from us before.

Andy, she hasn't mentioned anything

about dating someone, has she?

I think she's still dating the plant guy.

The botanist? Dude, that was two years ago.

Yeah? I might be a little out of the loop. I'm okay with that.

Yeah, well, something is definitely going on.

She has been smelling even better.

She's changed her scent just the slightest bit.

What, are you planning to track her?

And you know what? She did buy a fresh pack of those Venus razors.

Dude, you are so lucky to live with a woman.

Oh, dude, it's like shaving with honey.

Mmm.

Hey, I don't know if you guys have noticed this, too,

but P.J.'s kind of been glowing lately.

You know, her eyes are shining, and she's laughing a lot,

and it's like she's smiling all the time.

Nah. I haven't seen anything like that.

Look, look, look, my time is limited.

I don't want to talk about my sister's love life.

Let's make the switch to sports or reality TV.

When did the tide turn on those plastic surgery shows, hmm?

All right, this guessing game is ridiculous. You know who we should ask.

No way. P.J. isn't seeing anyone. She would have told me.

Yeah, but, I mean... Uh-uh!

Is this heaven?

P.J. doesn't keep secrets from me.

Okay? I mean, there was someone,

but we both agreed that that was totally over.

And believe me, I would be happy if she found someone new.

How do you have men over?

That's not a problem for this one.

Yeah, but I mean the evidence is really conclusive.

I mean, she's using a curling iron.

She wore her one dry-clean-only shirt.

She got a manicure.

She did? She did?

Yeah. You didn't notice when she was here the other night?

P.J. hasn't been here for weeks.

Huh!

Oh, my God. You know what this means?

That you haven't met him, because he's even worse than us?

It means she's seeing someone and she didn't even tell me!

That little tart!

Well, we will keep our eyes peeled

and let you know what we find out.

God, why wouldn't she tell me?

Let's go. Let's go. What?

We gotta go. I broke a ballpoint pen in my back pocket.

Thank you for the visit!

Yeah, bye, Steph. Bye, Steph.

Bye.

Hey, put your shoes on in the hall.

Who do they think I'm dating?

They have no idea, but they do not like him.

What did you tell them?

I don't know. What should I tell them?

I don't know. I mean, are we?

Are we what?

Are we dating?

I don't know. Are we?

I don't know. I mean, we're definitely seeing each other.

Definitely. Definitely. And we're not just hooking up.

No. Not just.

So, then, yeah.

I would say we are dating.

Yeah? Yeah.

So, I should tell the guys...

No. No. No.

Why not?

They're like a school of piranhas. Right?

No, they will take the baby deer that is our relationship

and they will tear it to bits.

What is a baby deer doing in the Amazon?

It lost its way?

Okay.

See, the point is that they will just tease us mercilessly.

Come on, they're not that bad.

Brendan? He finally gets his dream job, right?

And they treat him like he showed up to class in his underpants.

Okay, that is true. But, to be honest with you,

watching Brendo pore over blueprints

is like watching a bear try to fold a map.

It...

Wow! I'm doing it, too!

You see?

What have they done to me?

I don't know.

You used to be so nice.

Man, it's like I want to support Brendan, I just don't remember how.

And they will be relentless.

I mean, they will mock us until we break up

and then they will mock us for that.

You're right. You're absolutely right.

But they know you're dating somebody, so how do we handle that?

Well, they don't really have the longest attention span.

I mean, I'm sure right now they're wondering

who would win in a fight, a badger or a raccoon.

Which is ridiculous, because obviously it would be a badger.

And why are there so many animals in this conversation?

Get in. We're going on a stakeout.

That's your walkie. Your code name, Little Bear.

Let's go.

Can you see her?

Yep, she's sitting down with Stephanie now.

You guys really think this is such a good idea?

We discussed this. They would spot us if we went in there.

Right. Right. And, Andy, you're sure there's not something else

you would rather be doing for your big night out?

Dude, I don't care what we're doing. I got no responsibilities.

I am a free man until midnight.

I feel like Cinderella at the ball,

which we can watch later if you get bored.

Hey, guys. Guess what?

This other guy with a mustache across the street

just nodded at me.

I think it's another cop on another stakeout.

Uh... Mike, he's not another cop. You are not a cop.

The number of cops on this street is one.

Was your new cop buddy impressed when you tried to get in the wrong van

because you can't see because it's night?

It's called securing the area.

The other cop would have understood.

Cheers!

Mmm.

It's so great to have girlfriend time, right?

Mmm-hmm.

Talk about clothes, gossip, boys.

Mmm-hmm.

Speaking of boys...

Are you seeing someone?

You little tart.

Aren't you priceless.

What are they doing?

They're talking now.

Well, what are they saying?

Well, I'm not a lip reader, but I think they just ordered salads.

Because now they have salads.

Salads. Women love salads.

Anyone want to order a pizza?

Yeah, get pepperoni.

Or, ooh, we could go to a restaurant and get a pizza.

Please, okay? We are on a stakeout. Let's focus.

Oh!

I bet you I know who it is. Who what is?

The guy that P.J.'s dating.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, right.

I bet you it's the guy with the Porsche.

You know, the guy that does the, uh, the stuff to the sick kids.

I'm going to assume you mean heal them and not throw them on spits.

Yeah, you were kind of busy,

but they were pretty hot and heavy right before your wedding.

They were? Mmm-hmm.

Nah, nah, nah, nah. My money's on the guy from the Sun-Times.

You know, the one that writes the food column.

What guy? You know that guy.

They go to lunch all the time.

I've never heard of this guy.

Oh! I bet you it's the triathlete guy from the gym.

How many guys are there?

Oh, crap. Dude, I gotta go.

One of the workmen down at the club just burst a pipe.

They expect me to do something about it.

Aren't you in charge?

Yeah. How the hell did that happen?

Whoa, hold on there, chief.

You can't go anywhere. You live with her. You're our inside man.

Dude, I need to fix this.

There are those that didn't think we needed the fog machine

in the first place.

I don't believe this. He is not taking this seriously.

Yep, two pizzas. We're parked on the corner in the minivan.

Yeah. Yeah.

Uh...

Anybody remember what my license plate number is?

MZT 524.

MZT 254.

524. 524.

Look, it's just four guys in a gray minivan across from the grade school.

It's Bobby? That's fantastic!

I know.

It's actually really great.

I tell you, when you didn't tell me, I expected the worst.

What's the worst?

Any of the other guys.

Well, I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

It's just, I wanted to wait until I knew what it was first, you know.

Oh, and also the last time we talked about dating Bobby,

you called me crazy and told me not to.

Well, I'm glad you didn't take my advice. Don't do it again.

Is it wrong that I find Drizella kind of hot?

Is Drizella the witch?

There's no witch in Cinderella.

There's not a witch?

Guys, can we go back to this boyfriend thing for a second?

How does P.J. have the time to meet all these guys?

What is Stephanie doing?

Dude, this is taking way too long.

We should have answers by now. Oh! This is my fault.

I blame myself for sending someone in without the proper training.

You're not trained.

Peej, of course I am happy for you. I would never judge you.

Okay.

Honey, I'm a grown-up.

I'm not like those idiot guys.

Jackal. Come in, Jackal. Come in, Jackal.

What was that?

I should probably tell you, you have a tail.

We've been made! Go! Go! Go!

The Jackal?

It's my code name.

I asked for Lady Danger.

Wait, what is going on?

They want to know who you're dating.

And now I have to tell them something, right?

So, how about I tell them that you're dating a hot dentist?

No. I don't want to date a dentist.

How about, like, a law professor?

No. How about a fireman?

No. Couldn't handle the weird hours.

Maybe this is your problem.

You're even picky about the fake people you're not really dating.

All right. All right. I'm going to tell them the truth.

I gotta nip this in the bud before it gets even more ridiculous.

I understand the pediatrician and even the guy from the Sun-Times,

but really? Jeremy Piven?

Bobby, what are you doing here?

I'm the new inside man, which is ironic.

But stop dodging the question.

Bobby, you know who I'm dating.

Okay? Think about it. Is it Jeremy Piven?

Wow. Wow. I don't know what happened to me.

They just... They trapped me in that van. And they get me so worked up.

Oh, I understand, honey.

Mike thinks he's a cop.

How would I even know Jeremy Piven?

I don't know. That van smells like feet.

She was kind of a witch.

She was a person.

She was a stepmother. She wasn't a witch.

I think these are knock-offs. Gibbidi-Gobbidi-Goo?

I got the whole catalogue for four bucks.

Savannah will never know the difference. Oh.

Then you don't mind Savannah growing up believing

there was only a handful of Dalmatians.

Why not?

Hey. Hey.

Where the hell were you guys? I pulled a Mike and got in the wrong van.

I almost got shot by a church group.

It's devolved into chaos.

Bobby. Come in, Bobby. Little Bear, are you there?

He's not responding. Dude, I'm starting to get worried.

What if P.J.'s boyfriend found Bobby

and things are starting to go down?

Why would you think that?

Sometimes you gotta trust instinct over training.

You're not trained.

This is my fault. No.

Yes. Apparently, there was a flaw in my plan

of living a life of lies and deceit.

It seemed airtight to me.

It's just, we have this relationship

and we have a friendship that I don't want to get screwed up, you know?

I know. I know. But we gotta live in the world, you know?

I know. No, we should tell them.

And, I mean, I'm sure I blew it out of proportion, right?

I mean, they're grown men.

Where is he? Oh, good. You're safe.

I mean, hey, Bobby. What are you doing here?

This is a weird coincidence, huh?

Wow. Three flights of stairs, you couldn't come up with a better cover than that?

Hey, Serpico, why don't you tell the other idiots to come in.

Look, I don't know what you're talking about with the...

Big Bear, Rabbit. Big Bear, Rabbit. Come in.

This is Rabbit. This is Rabbit.

Hey, P.J., I was just walking by the building and I thought I smelled gas.

See? That's a cover. It's not a good cover, but it's a cover.

I live here.

And I am shockingly and appallingly sober for my big night out.

All right, you guys. Just come in here and sit down.

So, Bobby and I are...

Yes.

The deal is we...

You're going to tell them?

Did you want to tell them?

Well, it's just that they're my friends, so...

Well, I'd like to think that they're my friends, too.

No, I mean, they're totally your friends.

I just thought, I don't know. It's kind of different.

Why is it different?

God, you guys sound like my parents.

Yeah, why don't you two go get married?

I'm not getting married.

Like, ever?

Well, I mean, just not for, like, a long time.

Right, but I mean, someday you want to...

Bobby and I are dating!

Bobby who?

What do you mean, "Bobby who?" This Bobby.

Yeah?

Yeah. So, that's what we're doing and now you know.

Huh! What do you mean by dating?

Like, you guys get dressed up and you go out dancing and stuff?

No. Not really.

But we could.

Did you want to?

Okay.

Uh... Mmm.

Uh, so, are you two...

And there it is.

I don't know what else to call it.

I would say that P.J. and I are doing the things that dating people usually do.

Except for dressing up for dinner and going dancing,

which I think went out in the '50s.

So, after we leave, you're gonna...

Not at this rate.

Well, I think it's great. You're keeping it in the family.

Yeah. Congratulations.

Yeah, I mean, finally, right? I mean...

All right, you can ask one question.

When did it start?

Does P.J. put out on the first date?

Are her feet soft?

We didn't say we would answer the questions.

Hey, Andy, did you hear? It's Bobby. He's the one. They're dating.

Remember? Here's the loop, here's Andy.

It's better that way. So, are we going to play poker or what?

Let's do it, huh?

Yeah, cool!

Although it is kind of late. Yeah.

Yeah, and I'm only a princess till midnight.

Yeah, and some of us have to work tomorrow.

We all have to work tomorrow. So maybe we'll just play one tournament.

All right, wait a minute, so you guys did stuff at night

and then got up in the morning this whole time?

Yes. That's how it works.

We also have to work to get money.

All right, start passing out the chips.

See? Eventually, the ripples go away.

And everything returns to normal. Until the next pebble.