Original subtitles

Jack flew in from New York, okay?

He took me to this cool, little Italian place in Wicker Park.

We had this bottle of wine...

And?

And then we went to this little blues place, and we, um...

We danced.

You danced?

I know. Me.

To blues.

Huh!

Can I see a little bit of what that looked like?

Yeah, I think it's best for both of us if I don't.

So now what?

Oh, God, I don't know.

I don't know. I mean, I really want Bobby to have a great wedding

and I want to have fun with his brother Jack.

Maybe it just doesn't have to be more complicated than that.

No. Who cares what Bobby thinks about it?

I don't. So, you're not going to tell him, are you?

It's just that he has so much on his plate.

Hey, what are you guys doing here? I thought we said no poker.

Brendo said it was okay.

Is it okay? I have to pack.

You know I can't not play poker.

Yeah, I know. That's why I brought them to play poker.

What about you, Bobby? Don't you have, like, getting-married stuff to do?

Elsa kicked me out.

Ha, ha. It's like you're already married.

No, no, she said she wanted me to go out and relax.

She says I'm tense.

Hey, I need cash from everybody.

Oh, no. I left my wallet in the car. That's great. That's great.

Now I have to walk outside and down the stairs and do the whole...

Front pocket.

Okay, dude. Um...

Anything we can do to help?

Um, yeah. Yeah. Could you work on keeping my father sober

and making sure he doesn't embarrass me or make my mother cry?

Is there anything we can pick up for you? Maybe some light errands?

No. No. But thank you.

Oh, so your buddy John's definitely going, right?

Because I made him a CD of some great local bands.

You made him a mix tape. No.

It's for our bar.

You know, it's just some suggestions of some music

that I think he's really going to like. So it's a mix tape.

Hey, high school crush, are we going to play poker, or what?

Ooh! What's wrong with him?

Oh, his ladies found out about his plans

to meet someone new at the wedding

and they both dumped him.

Finally, some decent gossip.

Kenny, I'm sorry.

Me, too. No, no, man.

Weddings are the perfect place to rebound.

So many sad, pretty girls realizing that their time is running out.

They'll fall into the arms of the nearest guys, and that's going to be us.

So you're using Bobby's wedding just to hook up?

Hell, yeah. It's the only reason I'm going.

I can get behind that.

There's no reason I can't have a fun, romantic time with Jack

while Bobby has a lovely wedding.

I mean, look at this place.

It is ridiculous here.

This is all yours?

This is unbelievable.

Yeah. Now I see why you had me sign a prenup.

Hey! Chicagoans, welcome to California.

Hey, Dad.

I love a wedding.

You guys, this is my father, George Newman.

Hello, again, Mr. Newman.

Oh, please call me Dad.

You can call me daddy.

Well, that would make sense since I'm half your age.

I like her.

Hey, where's your mother?

Uh, she's coming in tomorrow. She had some benefit...

Yeah, she hates me.

Yep, she does.

So, Mr. Newman, you like horses?

Uh, no, I'm deathly afraid of them, but the ladies love the hat.

My, my. Hello, Mrs. Newman number six.

You don't want that one. She's evil.

Well, that's the way I like them.

You like vino?

You guys, I'm so... So sorry about him.

Who? Daddy?

Oh, no, come on. He's hilarious.

Oh, yes, he's hilarious.

He keeps joking that he wants this to be a double wedding.

Except it's not a joke.

And now someone has got to save Stephanie.

Where's Jack? I need Jack.

Right here. What's up, little brother?

Hey, I thought you were on Dad patrol.

I am. Look, he's harmless.

Just laugh at everything he says

and eventually he'll fall asleep.

Um, Bobby, um...

Oh, Dad, no, Dad.

Welcome to the insanity that is the Newman family.

Hey. Hey.

I had a really good time at that blues place.

Did I dance?

I believe you did. We both did.

You also sat in on harmonica.

I did? No.

But now the dancing part doesn't seem nearly as humiliating, does it?

Dude.

God. Dude, this place is incredible.

What are you looking at the place for? Look at the Swedes.

Oh, it's on. Oh.

The Kenster's going hunting tonight.

Really? Seriously?

Who's the Kenster?

Seriously, those girls are cute.

Yeah, they're pretty.

Excuse me?

They're pretty.

But aren't you a little old to be playing with girls?

Wow. This is fun for all ages.

Pace yourself, Mike. It's going to be a long weekend.

Oh. Check out Hoss here.

Howdy.

Howdy? Really?

Are you trying to repel women?

Just you. Howdy, howdy, howdy. It's not working.

It's embarrassing.

Bobby's dad says, "Howdy."

Well, Bobby's dad is rich. He can say whatever he wants.

Fine, I won't say howdy.

And no hat.

It makes your puny little head look even punier.

Puny is a terrible word.

Hey, guys.

Hey, buddy.

If everyone's ready, I can show you to your rooms.

And then after that we have the welcome wine tasting

followed by the welcoming barbecue.

It's all printed in your welcome package.

We just really want you to feel welcome.

Come on.

Hey, do you think Andy will still feel welcome

even if he misses the welcome wine tasting?

Maybe, as long as he makes the welcome barbecue.

Hi. Hi.

Um, look, I don't want to keep you from

the welcome whatever they have planned.

I just really wanted to do this...

Oh, wait, Jack, I was thinking.

It might be better if we didn't tell Bobby about us.

You know, it's his wedding and he's just got so much going on. I...

I just...

Yeah, that's fine. He doesn't need to know.

Wait, why? Are you embarrassed of me?

Yes, totally.

'Cause I don't think that's very funny.

Seriously, can you stop talking?

Jack?

And that's why they call it California.

That is a fun fact. What's up?

Have you guys seen, like, 20 Swedes come by?

No.

I think I've lost half of Elsa's family.

Already? They just got here.

Couldn't have gone far.

They are a slippery people.

Okay, that was too close.

Thirty thousand square feet. Think we could have a little privacy.

And that's why California cheese is so dense.

It's okay. She knows.

Good cover, though. Never would have guessed.

The wine tasting is really just

a classy way for people to get day drunk.

I hate wine. Can I get a beer?

All right. Then fill her up.

Keep it coming.

Come on. Come on.

Do it. Do it.

There you go. Cheers.

Like I said, classy.

And then Dad proposed and I laughed. He wasn't joking.

Did you tell him he was a great guy, but...

No, I told him he was weird and creepy

and to take his hand off my knee.

See? That's all you gotta do.

See you, guys. Yeah.

Jack, could you go corral Dad, please? He just hit on Elsa's mom.

Well, at least she's age-appropriate.

Yes, except she's married.

To Elsa's dad.

You know how Dad is when he's been drinking.

Okay, just stop letting him get you so crazy.

I know, but can you just get him out of here?

Yes, I will talk to him after we finish this Pinot.

Right. He could be married by then.

Maybe you should help him.

Way beyond help.

Plus my dad, he's harmless. He's harmless.

I said no. Stop proposing.

Excuse me, Ken, what are you wearing?

My lucky flip-flops.

Even after four glasses of wine, you still repulse me.

You have to change your clothes.

What? Why?

Because if you ever want a woman to be interested in you again,

you need to listen to me.

Why are you helping me?

I'm in the most beautiful location I've ever been to,

surrounded by lush vineyards and beautiful mountains.

And all I can see are your ugly, lucky flip-flops.

So you're doing this for you.

Of course, sweetie.

Well, good luck, son. I'm pretty sure this one likes the ladies.

What?

What did I say?

It is so great to have you and your brother back here.

I really miss those vacations where you used to beat the tar out of each other.

Mmm. Yes, those were the days.

Who won?

Uh, you know, it's really not important.

We were just kids, just kids wrestling.

So Jack won? Every time.

Well, not every time. Thank you.

Sometimes you bit me.

No, come on, when?

Scar right there, see?

Oh, look, it's little Bobby teeth marks.

Well, he was 22.

Okay, okay, what about this one?

You remember that? Your archery set? Ooh.

Dude, that's nothing. Hockey stick.

Mmm-mmm. Beer bottle.

Wendy.

Aw, man, you made it real. Yeah.

Yep, I still don't like it, but, uh, I need a refill.

Thanks.

Ooh, I love that year. Perfectly aged, really an amazing blend.

Yeah, who doesn't love an old wine blend?

You know nothing about wine, do you?

No, I'm more of a beer guy.

Well, the thing about drinking wine is savoring the experience,

not rushing to some finish line of being drunk.

See, that's where it loses me.

Mmm.

Well, there's a white over here

that if you really sip it and savor it,

it kind of tastes like beer.

Really?

No, it's wine.

You're at a vineyard. This isn't Milwaukee.

You know, Milwaukee is actually the New York of Wisconsin.

A lot of people don't know that.

So I think I'm gonna go lay down for a bit. Sleep off some of this wine.

You can't lay down.

If you nap now, you're done for the day and you'll miss the barbecue.

You've got to power through. Change your shoes.

Take a shower. But no napping.

Come on, Brendan. Any respectable day drinker knows that.

Look, I just want to close my eyes.

No napping.

No one should be alone. Everyone find a no-nap buddy.

Buddy.

Excuse me.

Uh, I need someone to make sure that I don't go to sleep.

Huh.

Yeah, I can do that.

P.J.

Hey, I never got to finish showing you around the property.

Oh, yeah.

Well, judging from the size, that could take, like, a month.

How do you feel about meeting me over by the guest house?

Can you be more specific?

It's on your welcome map.

I've got good news and bad news.

Good news is, I think I may have met wife number six.

Sorry, ladies. This ship has sailed.

Unless, of course, you feel like you have second thoughts?

Um, Dad, what's the bad news?

Oh, the bad news, yeah. The minister called. He can't make the ceremony.

He's got kidney stones.

No, no. The wedding's in two days.

That is okay. We will just find another minister.

Well, we better make this happen,

because Annika will be so upset if we can't work this out.

Excuse me. Ugh!

Have you seen Jack?

Nope. I have no idea where he is.

Yeah, of course not, because whenever I need him, he's not around.

Man, I asked him to do one thing,

and he couldn't even stop Dad from hitting on Elsa.

Wait. Your dad hit on your fiancee?

Yes, he said he didn't know it was her.

He said they all look alike to him.

Well, maybe you should be mad at your dad and not Jack.

I just want him to be a little more helpful, you know.

He's my best man and it would be nice if he started acting like it.

All right, well, is there anything I can do?

If you wouldn't mind marrying my dad,

I think that would take a lot of the pressure off.

Well, the question is, could I live with the hat?

No, man, I'm not being a baby, I'm just... I'm allergic to bees.

All right.

Hey, man. What are you doing?

Uh, just having a snack.

Alone? Yeah.

I'm just a guy, having a snack.

Oh, cheese, nice.

Yeah, that's really dense California cheese.

Strawberries? Chocolate? Champagne?

This guy knows how to pack a picnic, am I right?

Brendo, you want one?

Oh, come on, what's my name, baby?

Oh, jackpot. Expensive chocolates.

Hey, handsome. I like this look.

Thank you.

It's true. You don't look disgusting.

Well, you don't look like crap either.

You know, you could learn something from this.

What, this? No, I wore this for John. Inside joke.

Oh, I had a message from John.

He's actually stuck in Chicago.

It doesn't look like he's going to make it out here.

No. Yeah.

Sorry.

Aw, man. We were going to seal the bar deal.

Well, you're just going to have to cruise for chicks like the rest of us.

You may want to change into something nicer.

Okay.

Hey, where is everybody?

Naps. I tried to warn them. You can't save guys.

And where's Mike?

Oh. I'm sure he's on his way. No chance he'd close his eyes.

What is this?

I don't know, but it tastes expensive.

Hey. Hey.

Hey, buddy. Hey.

We're so happy you made it.

Hey. Hey, there he is.

This place makes me feel poor.

That's what my dad said, too.

Hey, Andy. Hey.

All right.

No luck on the minister.

I did find a rabbi's wife and a doula.

Okay, what's a doula and can they marry us?

No idea and not in California.

Our minister got kidney stones,

so we're searching for a new one.

I'm a minister. I'm a candlestick maker.

I'm president. What are we doing?

No, I did one of those online church things

to marry these friends of mine years ago.

So, legally, I can marry people.

You're kidding. That's awesome.

I should find out if my certificate is still up to date, but...

Uh-oh. What if it's not?

Well, then we've got a big problem

'cause I think it costs 12 bucks to renew it.

Judging from this shack, I don't know if you can afford it.

We'll work it out.

Thank you.

Uh, what happened to you? I was waiting.

Oh, my God, I am so sorry. We had a little crisis.

Oh, man, I have been looking for you everywhere.

I'm right here. What do you need?

Well, I needed your help. We were trying to find a new minister and...

We found one, right? And it's gonna be okay, right?

Yeah. See?

All fixed.

Bobby, you need to take it easy.

Have some fun, enjoy your wedding. Right, P.J.?

Oh, look, teeny, tiny hot dogs. Get out of town.

Still no sign of Mike?

No, probably touring the grounds with some hot Swede.

Hey, everyone, if we could, um, kind of gather around,

we wanted to do a little toast.

Thank you so much for coming.

I can't tell you how happy we are to have you all here.

Yes, yes, thank you all for being here

for our very special occasion.

Well, it's not that special. Dad's done it five times.

All right, come on, guys, not now.

Relax, okay, I'm just trying to lighten things up a little bit.

Get this party started. You know?

Well, stop it. Please.

Okay, well, sorry.

I just thought it's, you know, it's a wedding.

It's supposed to be a celebration, right, so...

You know, fun? So... No. Okay. Just sorry. Go ahead, do your thing.

Huh. That's weird, you're being rude and insulting.

Usually you're such a gentleman.

Oh. Really, I'm the bad guy? For trying to get you to loosen up?

I don't need to loosen up.

Obviously. It looks like you're having a great time, Bobby.

I would be. I would be if you would stop talking.

Okay, great, all right, give your little speech there, Skinny.

Oh. Oh.

Wow! Sorry. Sorry, Elsa.

It's okay. No. You know what? It's not okay.

It's fine, she's just got some wet toes, okay?

It's all right. Loosen up, buddy.

Can you get your arm off of me?

Lighten up, buddy.

No, I'm serious, okay?

What is your problem?

Really? Okay.

Whoa, fight! Fight!

Oh, my God. Dude.

50 bucks on Jack. I'll take that bet.

Somebody do something.

Let them fight. It's good for them.

Bobby? Bobby.

Come on.

You okay?

Of course he is, he was winning.

Yeah, I'm... I'm fine.

I'm just a little embarrassed.

Let's just go upstairs, okay?

Okay.

Um...

Sorry, everyone.

That was awful.

All right, I'm going to go talk to Jack.

I'm going to fix this.

Yeah, yeah.

How's she going to fix it? Why would he listen to her?

And what did I tell you about prying?

That no one likes a nosy Nellie.

Then don't be one.

Wedding checklist. Wear bad bridesmaid dress,

drink too much tequila,

and, oh, get in the middle of big family fight.

I have not had enough tequila.

Hi.

Thank you.

That was stupid, huh?

Kind of.

I don't know what happened. I was just making some dumb jokes, you know?

He's so sensitive.

Well, you know, it's his wedding and...

Wait, do you think it was my fault?

I actually don't really think it matters whose fault it is.

I just think, you know, it's his weekend

and he's probably entitled to be a little sensitive, right?

So you do think it's my fault.

No, you're not listening to me. I'm...

No, I am listening to you.

Yeah, you know, and I've heard this my whole life.

This always happens whenever we get together.

You know, something goes down, it's always Jack's fault.

It's always poor, little Bobby and his big, bad brother Jack.

It's classic.

Well, Jack, I think you're actually being a little dramatic.

Now I'm being dramatic. Okay.

Sorry for that.

Look, I really appreciate you trying to help,

but you can't change Newman family history, you know?

Wait, what are you doing?

I'm removing myself from the drama.

Wait, come on, stop packing.

P.J., trust me.

Things would be a lot smoother if I just leave.

No, but that's not what I'm saying.

Jack, don't leave.

Tell Bobby good luck.

You see?

This is why you should hook up with someone you're never going to see again.

I mean, why do I have to make things so complicated?