Original subtitles

Our high school slogan

was carpe diem or "seize the day."

Which basically means, answer the door when opportunity knocks.

You're not in your workout clothes.

What kind of a sadist teaches a Pilates class at 9:00 in the morning?

The kind that looks like Taye Diggs.

Get your clothes on, we're going.

I can't go. I didn't go to sleep till, like, 4:00 in the morning.

Why? Because of that stupid bachelor party?

Come on, get dressed.

Okay, Stephanie, I did something last night,

maybe stupid, but maybe great.

I closed the bar with Jack last night. And we kissed.

That is great! Really?

Yeah! Which one's Jack?

Bobby's brother. It's pretty great, huh?

No! Stupid.

You have a history with Bobby, and you kissed his brother?

I mean, how would you feel if he kissed Andy?

Confused.

Bobby could do so much better than Andy.

Well, it was a drunk thing.

Hopefully nobody remembers and we can all move on.

Actually, it wasn't. I really like him.

Listen, you have to run it by Bobby.

Brothers tend not to like this kind of thing.

Unless they do, and then that's weird.

Yeah, but he's going through all this wedding stuff.

I mean, he's so busy. He's so stressed.

You have to tell him.

Fine. I will talk to him.

Let me go change. We can probably still make Pilates.

No, screw that. Let's just go have brunch.

I've been thinking about it ever since you said Mimosas.

I didn't say Mimosas.

You didn't? Mmm-mmm.

All right, well, it's out there now. Let's go.

All right.

There are two stewardesses at the bar

who have the night off and they are looking for a good time.

Ah, they wouldn't want to hang out with me.

Listen, I was looking over the books, and

our receipts are way down from last year.

It'll be fine. Sports memorabilia is recession proof.

People always need bobbleheads.

Oh, that's true. My grandparents hoarded them during the Depression.

Mike, relax. Let's go to the bar and talk to the ladies.

No can do. School night.

What the hell is going on? It's like they switched personalities.

I don't know. I like it. I like serious Mike.

Well, Dr. Brendo here thinks serious Mike might be a little depressed. Huh?

Whatever. He's so much quieter.

You guys, I was supposed to have

this seating chart finished days ago.

I seriously need you to send in your RSVPs, okay?

We're all going. Does that count?

No, it doesn't.

I mean, we're all staying at your dad's ranch.

I mean, if we're going all the way to Santa Barbara, we're going to the wedding.

Still, I just need you to take the card

and mark meat or fish and put it in the mail.

I don't have any stamps. There's a stamp on it.

Can I have chicken?

Just do it, please.

There's a system in place here, okay?

The cards go to my mother, my mother talks to Elsa,

Elsa talks to her mother.

Things are translated, then they're translated back.

So, no, you cannot have chicken.

Hey, dude, is your friend John going?

Yes, he is. And how do I know? Because he sent in his card.

I bet he gets chicken.

Nobody's getting chicken!

I was talking to your friend John at your bachelor party

about going into business together.

I haven't heard from him yet

and I'm starting to think he's not gonna call.

It was yesterday.

Yeah, you're right. You're right. You're right.

I'm never gonna finish this. I'm not.

Okay, I will help you with the seating chart, okay?

Come over and we'll figure this whole thing out. Who needs?

I'll have the fish.

Why would you say that?

Sometimes it's an opportunity to do something you should do,

but you don't really want to.

Hey.

Hey.

I know we're not really talking,

but I really need to talk to you.

You know, you were kind of a jerk to me, and I'm still kind of mad.

Sorry.

Huh?

Sorry.

I'm sorry about last night.

You're probably not as mad at me as Meredith is anyway.

What do you mean?

We had a huge fight last night.

She says I avoid spending time with her, and we've drifted apart.

And something about me not listening, I guess...

She kind of has a point.

I mean, look, you have been spending a lot of your free time with Jo.

I know, but you know I'd never do anything to hurt Meredith

or screw up my marriage.

Well, so how did you leave things?

She wants us to go to couples therapy. Can you believe it?

Yeah, I actually don't think it's a bad idea.

Yeah, Wendy and I went to couples therapy.

It was actually really helpful.

Was that before or after she married the British guy?

I want you guys to know this is a very courageous thing you're doing.

Well, we're here because we want things between us to get better.

So why don't we dive right in, huh?

Meredith, tell us a little bit about your marriage.

Well, I just feel like we've had some trouble connecting lately.

Well, you know, it's hard to make time for romance in our busy, busy lives.

I know that's true for my wife and me.

I have my patients and Suzanne has her candle store.

And, you know, it's hard to find that one-on-one time.

So you know what we do? No.

We make sure that we have dinner out in a restaurant once a week.

Huh.

I think that's a good idea. I think...

This week it was Mia Francesca,

and it was absolutely fabulous, worth every penny.

And next week it's going to be very exciting, too,

because we're finally going to get to go to that...

The... Oh, boy.

The one on the Near West Side on Randolph Street.

You know what it is. You know... What is that?

I don't know.

Well, my next clients will know.

Well, Meredith, what do you think about a date night?

Well, I think that would be a really interesting...

One sixtyblue! I knew it would come to me!

I knew it was a number and a color

and I knew it couldn't be, you know, 13 Purple,

because there's no such place, and you'd never name a place like that.

It doesn't even sound good.

But it's a place that's owned by Jordan.

And you know something? You would love it, Adam.

Andy.

Mmm.

Yes, it is. And your name is Meredith.

You know where else you would love?

It's that... You know where Morton's is?

It's near Morton's. It's not Morton's. About three doors away.

They make a shepherd's pie there that is unbelievable.

I mean, it's like it's made by real shepherds,

except you would think they would use lamb, because it's shepherd's...

Yeah. Yes, I have very old balls.

Why are you laughing?

Oh.

Hilarious.

Damn kids.

Hey, there. Hi.

I'm looking for Kenneth Moritorri.

He's out running errands right now. Mexican Freddy, right?

Well, it's just Freddy. Thanks.

Is there something I can help you with?

I hear you guys are running a ticket business out of this joint. Hmm?

Congratulations.

Oh, thanks. Hey, can I interest you in a boxing bell?

That's okay.

Just tell Kenny Freddy stopped by. He'll know what that means.

2 Out Rally.

No. Why would my balls be sweaty?

No, "Do you have signed balls? Has someone signed your balls?

"Is there a large man signing balls over there?"

Something like that. Yeah, work it out. All right, call me back.

Okay, so this seating chart is impossible.

Look, if I put the Hornsbys here, right,

then I have to put the Nickersons way over there.

Why don't you just put the Hornsbys here then?

Um, yeah, P.J., I'm gonna put Hornsbys next to the Nickersons.

I mean, are you even trying? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

It's okay. At least your bachelor party was fun.

Yes, it was. And you know what? I'm so glad you were there.

Yeah, me, too.

You know, funny enough, I ended up spending some time with your brother, Jack.

Did he hit on you?

Well, um, I don't know.

Come on, P.J. Of course he did. It's typical Jack.

Find the prettiest girl in the bar and then make his move.

No. Oh, thank you.

But no, no, no, it wasn't like that at all.

P.J., my brother is notorious, okay?

He's always got some gorgeous woman on his arm.

We never have to learn their names,

because they're not around that long. You know?

But I'm sure you figured all of that out.

Yeah. Totally. And it was hilarious.

Well, apparently, he's one of the best therapists in the city,

but I don't see it.

So what's the problem?

He does all the talking. I said five words during our last session.

"Oh, yeah, I've eaten there, too." Six.

But Meredith likes him, I think,

so I'm stuck with this jackass.

But if I hear one more story about his trip to Peru,

his bathroom key might accidentally go missing.

Here is my RSVP, Bobby.

Put it in the mail for me, please? There's a system, remember?

But you're right here.

No, there's a, mmm... There's a system.

Please, just don't make me explain it again.

Hey, will you mail this for me?

Oh, and by the way, I am changing my plus one to Beth.

By the way, I don't care. It's still just a plus one.

Oh, my God.

These are for me? Yep.

Okay. Ah.

Thank you.

Uh, yeah.

Who sent you flowers?

Happy birthday.

No, Andy.

Who sent you flowers?

Work. Work?

Yeah, it, uh... It just says, "Dear P.J., thanks for all the work,"

'cause it's just been a lot of work.

Work flowers, huh?

Don't even think about it.

If you weren't supposed to seize this opportunity,

then why would it be so handsome and send flowers?

Oh, this is a beautiful arrangement.

And a Stanhopea orchid? You're dealing with a pro.

Bobby's brother sent you these?

Yeah, but you can't say anything. Bobby doesn't know.

You guys, I don't know what to do about Jack.

Okay, let's start with the facts.

Okay, we had a great conversation at the bachelor party...

Oh, Peej, come on. Guys will say anything at a bachelor party.

I mean, one minute it's, "Hey, we should go into business together,"

the next, they're ignoring your calls.

Brendo, we're not talking about John.

So what's the problem?

The problem is there are red flags.

One, Bobby says he's a player.

Which makes Bobby a player hater.

Don't.

Although, it could be the younger brother being jealous of the older brother.

Or Jack could be a Blaine.

Who's Blaine?

Chapter Nine, Blaine,

the cad, the raconteur, the love 'em and leave 'em type.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

You know, it's okay to read my book more than once.

My experience of Jack is nothing like the way Bobby describes it.

So I don't know what to do.

Well, you're going to see him at the wedding, right?

So don't do anything. Just wait until then.

But shouldn't I thank him for the flowers?

Just send him a text. Be gracious, and noncommittal.

That's a good idea.

Because then I can get a better sense of him when I see him face to face.

I like it! I'm going to send him a text right now.

We are not talking about John!

You guys, the Hendershoots are coming. The Hendershoots are coming.

By land or by sea?

By plane. From their vacation home in Aspen.

All right, dude, relax, okay? Let's take a time-out.

Let's go to the bar, let's get you a drink.

We will figure this all out, okay?

Okay.

Let's go eat. Good. Mexican or Italian?

Mexican.

Oh, hey, that reminds me. Mexican Freddy stopped by the store the other day.

What? Mexican Freddy? Why didn't you tell me this before?

I don't know, I forgot. I didn't think it was that big of a deal.

Tell me exactly what he said.

All right, he asked about the ticket business.

Uh, then he said, "Tell Kenny I stopped by,"

and he said, "He'll know what that means."

Do you know what that means?

You're supposed to know what that means.

It means he came to shake us down.

We've been operating without a license.

We have a license.

No, a real license, okay? From them.

The outfit.

Who? The mob.

Wait, so the mob wants a cut? Dude, that is so not fair.

Oh, well, there's a newsflash. The mob's not fair.

We're going to have to pay them off.

Well, that's just ridiculous. Our profit margarine is slim as it is.

Did you just say "margarine"?

Yes, and I kind of thought you'd be a big enough man not to mention it.

Honey.

Okay, I want one of you to start a sentence about your relationship,

and for the other one to finish it.

And we will start with Andy.

Okay, I want a relationship

where I'm free to spend some time by myself, and...

And I want a relationship where we can find hobbies and activities

that we can enjoy together.

You guys are doing very well. Keep going.

I want a relationship...

No. Don't stop. Keep going. Let it flow.

I want a relationship based...

Based on trust and understanding.

♪ Trust and understanding

And I want a relationship that's based on...

♪ Loving and caring

All right, let's bring this puppy home now, huh?

♪ Marriage is important 'cause that's what people do

♪ You got to listen to each other

♪ And make it work for you, you, you

That's a tricky chord. I'll get it by next week.

♪ Working on our troubles, yeah, day by day

And you go, "Hey, hey, hey."

Think Shirelles.

♪ Hey, hey, hey

Look, Meredith, I have to be honest with you about something.

This therapy isn't working for me anymore.

What?

I'm sorry. I just hate Dr. Clayton.

You do?

Yeah. I want to smash his head in with that stupid guitar.

It's okay.

Me, too. Really?

Yes. I spent the entire session planning his murder.

I'm so glad to hear you say that. I would totally help you.

I can't believe you hate him, too.

Why didn't you say something before?

I didn't want you to think I wasn't on board.

Oh, I know you're on board. I just...

I just feel stupid for dragging you to that quack.

God, he won't shut up about himself. I know.

I can't take it anymore.

Yeah, I don't care about his wheat allergies.

Or his daughter at Cornell

and her a cappella group. And her a cappella group.

And when he called you Mer-Mer,

I wanted to punch him in the face.

Me, too.

Oh, Mer-Mer.

Adam.

I don't know why they call Pretty Woman a chick flick.

There's so much good stuff.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, maybe that's John.

Dude, it's my phone.

Aw, man.

Hello?

Hey, Jack.

It's Jack.

I heard. Stay calm. Stick with the plan.

Uh, I'm good. Yeah, no, it's good talking to you, too.

Really?

He wants to see me.

Ask him if he's talked to John.

Brendo!

All right, all right. TiVo the end of this for me, though.

Yeah, no, I mean, a Yankees-Red Sox game is always...

Oh, wow, you have your own luxury box. That must be nice.

Gracious, noncommittal.

Yeah, I would love to, but, um, I live in Chicago.

Oh. What does he want?

He wants to fly me to New York on his private plane.

Do it.

Peej, you have to go!

What happened to being gracious and noncommittal?

That was before I knew he had a private plane.

Finally, one of the Newman brothers knows how to spend his money.

What about all the red flags? I mean, the things that Bobby said?

What about the fact that he's a Blaine?

Blaine didn't have a plane.

I don't know, Peej. Suddenly, the guru in me is saying

this is romantic, this is fun. Mmm.

How often do you get to be swept off your feet?

God, it's been a... Never.

Exactly! Go!

I mean, it is just for an evening, right?

He did say he was going to fly me back right after the game.

Go!

Although, if it goes badly,

it's going to make the whole wedding weekend really awkward.

How bad could it go? It's just a baseball game.

Okay, okay.

I'm gonna go.

This is exciting.

Dude, there's Mexican Freddy.

Okay, let me handle this.

Kenny Moritorri.

Freddy.

It's a nice place you got here.

What? You start selling concert tickets and you don't call me?

I thought we were friends.

Let's cut the chitchat. I think we know why you're here.

Just consider this a token of our friendship.

What are you doing? I can't let you do this, Kenny.

Let go. Kenny, no.

Let go. No, Kenny.

What are you doing?

No! I can't... I can't do it.

Okay, I've had a really crappy year.

I haven't had a date in six months, the business has been struggling.

And I'll be damned if I'm going to let him come in here

and take a piece of this.

What's going on here?

What's going on here, Mexican Freddy,

is that we're not going to pay you off.

You guys really think I'm here to shake you down?

We understand it's the price of doing business in Chicago.

Relax. I'm just here for James Taylor tickets.

James Taylor?

It's a really hard ticket.

You know I've always loved Sweet Baby James.

You're not here to shake us down?

This isn't even our territory. It belongs to the Russians.

It's them you gotta worry about.

I'm serious.

What if we move the black sheep cousin with the arrest record here

and then we move the Hendershoots here?

I can't believe it. That works.

P.J., that works! You're a genius!

We're finally done! Come here! Yay!

Actually, one more change.

What? No, no more changes! No...

Didn't you just hear? We're done!

I'm going solo.

I've decided I don't want to be tied down to either girl.

I'm going to keep my options open.

Well, you just did both women a huge favor.

Hey, you look good. Did you get a hair cut?

Nope. But I dipped myself in handsome sauce.

Bloop!

He's back! Where have you been?

I don't know. But it was sad and scary.

This guy saved the business today.

Oh, come on, man.

No, I'm serious. He stood up to a made man.

Not many men have done that and lived to tell the tale.

You, my friend, have brass balls.

Brass balls?

So, what are you guys doing?

We just finished the seating chart. Finally.

Why is there a question mark next to Jack?

He's not bringing anyone, is he?

Oh, I'm sure he'll bring someone.

Someone he meets, you know, wherever.

And then he'll offer to fly her in on his private plane,

blah, blah, blah. The usual.

So, Jack's a player, too?

Um, yeah, but on a slightly different level.

Looks like Jack'll have a little competition at the wedding.

No, he won't.

Okay, why am I not drinking? It's a school night, people. Shots?

I'm in. I like it.

I can't go to New York.

Look, I know that didn't sound great,

but I'm sure it'll be different with you.

No, no. There are so many red flags. Come on.

I mean, it could be fun, but no, no, no.

I'll wait to see him face to face at the wedding.

Yeah, yeah. You're right.

You wouldn't mind if I went, would you?

Hey, the stews are back.

I wonder what airline they work for.

Tonight they're flying Air Mike.

Probably in town for a layover.

And if we play our cards right,

we might get to handle their bags.

Right.

Cheers, buddy. He's back.

Hey. Check it out! I got a text from John.

Oh, yeah? What's it say?

"Can't wait to talk at the wedding."

Are you gonna call him back?

Come on, P.J., if there's anything I've learned from you,

it's that I don't want to be that girl.

You already called him, didn't you?

Yeah. I left, like, three messages.

So sometimes opportunity knocks and it's just not the right...

Well, if you're not going to come to me, I had to come to you.

Huh! Yeah. What was I saying about opportunity knocking?