Original subtitles

Okay, what was that, like, two minutes?

Eighteen seconds.

Okay. Let's take a break. Next time we'll get up to 30.

Hey. Did you guys get this e-mail about Bobby's bachelor party?

Yes! Yeah!

It's gonna be sick.

Yeah, it is!

I didn't get an e-mail.

Did anybody else notice how much this thing's gonna cost?

Hello? No e-mail!

That's because it's a bachelor party. No girls are allowed.

Did you notice the word "bachelor" right in the name?

No, but that's not fair. No girls. End of story.

P.J., I don't even know if I can go, all right? I'm broke.

I mean, I can't afford it. I can either drink or eat.

And, come on, I mean, we all know what I'm gonna choose here.

Hey, if you don't eat, you're gonna get really drunk.

My hand has been forced.

Stupid bachelor party. It's such a dumb, sexist ritual.

I want to go so bad.

Hey, Bobby, I'm your friend, right?

Um... Pretty sure.

Then why am I not celebrating the end of your bachelorhood?

I have nothing to do with that.

My buddy John is planning the whole thing.

No. Why does John want me to go broke?

Why does John hate girls?

I wonder how long John can hold his breath.

Look, no girls allowed. That's the rules.

Why are you so in my face about this?

'Cause chicks have been ignoring me recently.

So, I decided it's time to turn the tables.

So if they don't want to be around me,

I don't want to be around them.

Wow. You showed them. Yeah.

Besides, you know what? It's a rite of passage for guys.

Okay. Look, I understand that this "rite of passage" stuff

applies to other guys.

I get it. But it doesn't apply to us. I mean, we are different.

Yeah, but the whole reason to have a bachelor party

is for male camaraderie.

Male bonding. If there's a woman there,

it becomes a competition for the hot, single girl.

You think I'm hot?

Listen, I know it's unfair, but the truth is,

I would love it if you went to Elsa's shower.

Elsa's shower.

Oh! Come on! I hate lady parties.

Listen, I know it sucks. I know, but please go. Please.

Elsa doesn't want to get stuck at this thing with all my mom's friends.

Especially Mrs. Shapiro, who keeps winking at her and telling her

how magical the wedding night is gonna be.

Mrs. Shapiro isn't lying.

Come on, please. Elsa needs you there

and I would really appreciate it.

Ugh. I hate being the bigger person.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Oh! And Elsa wanted to invite Stephanie

because she really loved You're a Great Guy, But...

Did I tell you guys

that the Swedish translation is "You're a reliable lover, however..."?

I thought that was funny.

Fine, fine.

Bobby, this bachelor party, it seems a little low-key.

You think John might want some planning help?

I mean, I don't like to brag, but I have been

called the king of bachelor parties.

By who?

By people who decide these kinds of things.

Yeah. Sure, Kenny. Thank you.

You got it. Fellows, everybody's gonna have a kick-ass night.

Kick-ass night! Save it.

Oh, hey. Hey, buddy. Hey, man.

How's it going?

You guys remember my buddy John, right?

Yeah. John, what's up?

And this is my brother, Jack.

Hey.

Your brother Jack? Jack and Bobby? Really?

Yeah. Total accident. Our parents are lifelong Republicans.

Hated the Kennedys. Yeah.

So, you excited about your big night?

Hell, yeah.

I mean, I'm not as excited as Mike, but who is?

Nobody.

So, any last-minute requests?

I don't know. I don't know, man.

I mean, I guess I never actually thought

I'd be having a bachelor party, you know.

It's not really my style.

Hasn't even started yet and I've witnessed, like, three high-fives.

Suzi Quatro.

Come on! Give it up!

Hey, John. Hey.

Why am I not invited to the party? What are you so afraid of?

Um... Right now, you, kind of.

Bobby, I needed to talk to you somewhere.

Yeah. Let's do it.

You guys talking plans? I should probably be in on this.

What's the matter? Not invited?

No girls allowed, apparently.

Yeah. Well, we're trying to keep cooties out of our tree-house.

It's so stupid.

It is. You're right.

You know, I'm not going either. In protest.

Well, you have to go.

You're Bobby's brother.

Okay, I'll go.

But I'm not gonna have fun. In protest.

What?

See, that's why you're not going.

There's no flirting allowed at bachelor parties!

It's about dudes being dudes!

Ouch!

Dude. Dude.

Hey. You guys made it.

Great place.

Yeah, very fancy.

Right? Nothing but the best for Bobby, right?

Tonight, we blow it out. Money's no object!

You guys have fun. Drinks. Food.

Rich douche!

Whoa, easy, man.

Just try to enjoy the night. This is all about male bonding.

Look at all the dudes!

Hey, what's going on? Whoo!

There are a lot of dudes.

Please stop saying "dudes."

Loosen up, dude. This is a celebration.

I've got a house full of females.

I could use a good old-fashioned guy hang.

You know, eat some cow, drink some brown liquor,

let the dogs out.

I don't even know what that means.

Ooh. Food, dude.

Hey, can I get a beer?

Oh, can you make it five? Thanks, man.

That'll be $40.

Well, I guess I don't need to eat.

So, how long you known Bobby?

Uh... Few years. Good guy.

Yeah, he's okay, far as little brothers go.

Yeah.

And P.J.? She's your friend, right?

Yeah. Sure.

What's her deal? She single?

No way, man. Not tonight.

Dude, no chicks allowed. No thinking about chicks.

No looking at chicks.

Yeah. I know. I was just asking...

Don't. Uh... No... No...

Hey. Hey.

I brought the funniest thing for Bobby to wear.

It's to remind him it's his last night of freedom

before he has to wear the old ball and chain.

I don't know, man. It's kind of subtle. You think he'll get it?

Hey, guys.

Man, this is exactly what I wanted.

Just a nice dinner with friends.

You know, I'm so glad this isn't one of those parties

where everybody acts like getting married is the end of the world.

Yeah, totally.

Here. I've got one at home. Thanks.

Speaking of dumb, sexist rituals...

Oh! Oh...

Fantastic.

Oh, my God. I've gotta get out of here. They're applauding a pan.

It's got a copper core. It's just...

I love it. Thank you.

Oh, God. There's no liquor in this punch.

Shh.

Excuse me, are you Stephanie Layne?

Yes, I am.

I loved your book.

It really helped me realize how toxic my relationship was.

Oh! Thank you. Thank you very much. I'm happy it helped.

She wrote You're a Great Guy, But...

You did? What a wonderful read. My Ronald is a real Lenny.

But we're trying to work through it.

Oh. Well, I'm just so glad that you both enjoyed it. I love it here.

Strainers, and in three different sizes.

Strainers. Strainers.

I've got to start carrying a flask.

Hey, is everybody cool just splitting this 12 ways?

Yeah, it's fine.

No, dude. Not cool. I didn't eat anything.

Yeah. I'll tell him. Hey, I think your count's off by one.

Oh.

You're right. I'm sorry.

It's Bobby's big night. He shouldn't have to pay.

Obviously, come on.

Douche!

Here's a must for any bachelor party.

Cubans?

That's why I'm known as the king.

You're an idiot.

And that's when I realized that I had never been built up

in a relationship.

Only torn down.

What a nice story to tell at my wedding shower.

Oh, no, no, no. No. None of this applies to Bobby.

Bobby's a catch.

Ronald isn't a catch, but at least I don't hate him anymore.

You're welcome.

I'm sorry, can I just borrow Stephanie for one sec?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See you.

I'll be right back. Okay.

Yeah.

So great.

Time to go. What are you talking about?

I am so popular here.

I am losing my mind.

I'm leaving. Please come with me.

Where?

Crowley's. No.

No. No way. I'm not leaving all of this to go to Crowley's.

Will you sign my napkin?

Oh, yes. Sure. Sure.

Here you go, "Stephanie Layne."

Okay? Oh... Thank you.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay. I know a place that just opened. It's fancy, it's hip,

and I will buy all of your drinks.

No.

And some new shoes.

We have to go.

Oh, no! No!

Way to go, Groucho.

Hey, if their cheap smoke alarms can't handle a good Cuban cigar,

I don't want to be in there.

Well, I do.

Where are we gonna drink now?

Crowley's? Cheap, close to home, cheap.

Guys, it's Bobby's bachelor party. Let's go someplace special.

We're all dressed up.

Is that what you're doing with the cowboy boots? Dressing up?

All right, look, there's a new place, a few blocks from here.

I think you guys will love it.

- Is there a dress code? - No.

Good, then your boots won't be a problem.

Here's your $16 glass of wine.

I hate it here.

No one recognizes me.

No way. No. You will not ruin our night.

Those guys recognize you.

What happened to "no girls allowed"?

No. This was a total accident, I swear.

Well, best accident all night.

So, how did you guys end up here?

Well, Kenny almost burned down the last place we were at.

So, Mike said that he knew a spot...

What are you doing? Don't talk to them.

But they're our friends. And I like them.

No girls, remember? We're bachelors tonight. Right, Andy?

Dude, don't answer that! You and I are the glue

holding this bachelor party together!

It might be a stripper. Ooh, nice!

Hello? What's wrong?

I know you. I can tell you're upset.

Hey, we don't need a stripper with issues.

Hey, can I have a scotch rocks?

Oh, and get this guy whatever he wants.

I think I owe him a drink or two from earlier.

Oh, thanks, man. Yeah, I'll take a scotch, too.

So, you having fun?

Oh, yeah. Totally.

Me neither.

You know, that Mike guy seems to be pushing the dude angle a little hard.

Like, we're not gonna high-five.

And I don't want to "bring it in, brosef."

And I certainly don't want to "give you chili." Like, we're grown people.

Hey, didn't this place used to be the old Bachman's?

Yes. Bachman's. Yeah!

Now that was a bar. That place was awesome.

Yeah. I used to DJ there on the weekends. There and the old Neon.

Remember that place?

Remember? I just bought that place.

No way! Yeah, we're remodeling right now.

Hey, don't tell anybody, but I have absolutely no idea how to run a club.

Dude, it runs itself.

I mean, first of all, you can easily make that place

the best music venue in the city.

Yeah. Easily. Yeah. Yeah.

Uh... How? All right.

First of all, you gotta keep the name, okay?

And there are so many great bands in Chicago right now. I mean...

Hey, guys. I just got a round of SoCo and lime shots.

Come on, bring it, dudes!

Thing is, he makes me a little sad. Yeah.

You know? Yeah.

All right.

Here's to the future ex-Mrs. Bobby Newman.

No. Come on. You guys are gonna be together forever,

or at least until she's legal. Yes! Come on!

All right. I'm kidding. I love her. You know I love her.

No. I mean, I really love her

and when she dumps you, I'm swooping in. Come on!

You know I'm totally happy for you, right, bro?

Somebody step in, save me. Help me out.

I will, I will. Thanks you, guys, for an awesome night

and here's to no strippers! Hey!

Why did you make me leave that shower? People fawned over me there.

Come on. Look at all the cute guys here. Especially Bobby's brother.

Yeah, yeah, I know. He is cute, but I just wanna go home.

No! Yeah.

You're leaving? But I just got here.

No, I was kidding. She's the one that's leaving.

I'm not gonna wait another minute for service in this place.

Yeah. Well, well.

You having fun? Yeah!

Good. Good. Great time. Great time.

So, tell me all about the shower.

Seriously? Not really.

Thanks again for going, though.

I know it meant a lot to Elsa. And to me.

Oh, yeah. It actually wasn't that bad. It was kind of fun.

Seriously?

Not really.

Can I? Thanks.

Thanks.

You know, I can't tell you how much I appreciate all the wedding help.

I couldn't do it without you, so...

Aw... You are so welcome.

So, you nervous about, you know, getting married?

You know, I'm really not. I know I should be

with the whole life-changing decision and all.

It all just feels right, you know. I feel pretty lucky.

It's been a crazy year.

Hasn't it?

It has been like this whirlwind.

I mean, you and Elsa fall in love,

and then Stephanie writes this huge book.

I mean, she's, like, famous now,

and just a few months ago we were in Italy

and I thought that you and I might...

God, what a crazy year.

Wait, might what?

What? Uh... Nothing.

Come on, just tell me.

No. Seriously, it was nothing.

Okay, well, if it's nothing, then just say it. Come on, say it!

If you don't say it, I'm just gonna sit here and say, "Come on, say it,"

until you say it. So, you know, come on, say it!

Okay.

Okay. Well, it's just that it's, like...

It's totally water under the bridge.

I mean, it's, like, in the past and it's... Like, it's funny.

Um...

I invited you to Italy 'cause I kind of had feelings for you.

Isn't that hilarious?

What?

Yeah, I know. It's so hilarious!

Is that Jo?

What?

Jo. Hey, come here.

Hi.

What the hell is Andy doing? Hang on, just hold my purse, okay?

Wait! What?

What is she doing here?

Jo, you remember Mike from the setup dinner that went nowhere?

Oh, right. We had no chemistry at all. How are you?

Fine. Thank you.

We agreed, no women allowed. Just dudes. She has to go.

The dude portion of the evening has ended,

and now I'm gonna hang out with my friend Jo.

Hey, Jo. How are you?

Kicking myself for not dating this guy.

All right. Can I borrow Andy for a sec?

Oh, sure. Thank you.

Oh, man. This is crap. You girls are everywhere.

No offense. No, no.

How could your insisting I leave be offensive? Nice boots.

Thank you. I was being sarcastic.

No, you weren't.

Andy, what is she doing here?

She had a really bad date and she called me.

At midnight? And you invited her here?

What was I supposed to do?

Tell her you're at your friend's bachelor party.

Or better yet, tell her you're married.

She knows I'm married.

Yeah, and yet...

We work together.

How about this, we're friends.

And she likes you. And she's calling you late at night.

So what?

So, if there was a guy who liked me,

who is calling me at all hours,

you know exactly what the guys would call that.

Being a supportive friend?

A booty call.

What?

Please don't make me say it again.

Stop it. It's not like that, all right?

Andy, you have a pregnant wife at home.

Why do you think I'm here?

Wow!

God! What is happening to you?

First, you take this big fancy job

and you forget everything that you stand for.

And now what? Are you gonna cheat on Meredith?

I would never cheat on Meredith.

I can't believe you'd accuse me of something like that.

I can't believe it either. What're you doing?

What?

Hey, Andy, I'm just going to go.

No, no, no, wait. Uh... I'll go with you.

Okay. Bye.

We're done talking.

But you're looking.

Hey, kids. Go away.

I'm Mike. Warren.

You know who you're sitting with, right?

He knows. Goodbye.

So she told you how famous she is?

No, she didn't.

She wrote this really popular book, You're a Great Guy, But...

Have you heard of it?

Vanessa ended our three-year relationship over that book.

She said I was an Ike.

Hey, I'm an Ike, too!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

You should be.

She was my world. Excuse me.

Why are you so hateful?

What? No, I was trying to help you. Really.

Thanks. Now let me help you. Lose the boots.

Tell P.J. I'll call her tomorrow.

Boots? What's wrong with my boots? They're manly. Aren't they?

All right, I'm saying you're alone in your car, there's nobody around,

who do you blast on the radio?

Bob Seger, Feel Like A Number.

No shame in that, my friend!

No. And can you tell me what movie that is from?

Uh... Body Heat. Nice.

And who sang it?

Mickey Rourke, who looks super weird now.

God, the '80s were not kind to Mickey Rourke.

No. Oh... I gotta go.

But let's keep talking about this club thing.

Yeah.

Do you have a card or something?

Uh... No, but here.

Whoa, whoa! You can't leave yet.

There's this after-hours bar, like, eight blocks from here.

Thanks, but I can't.

Come on, man. It's gonna be awesome.

Later, Mike.

All right then, bring it up!

No. What?

Explode it?

I don't explode.

Neptune's neck.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

Hey, we'll talk soon?

Yes, absolutely.

Oh...

Call me.

Okay. Yeah.

Got you.

Dude, little bit needy.

Oh. Thanks.

Hey, is everything okay with Andy?

No. It's a mess.

I'm sorry.

Yeah. Me, too.

You're leaving?

Yeah, I mean, almost everybody's gone. So, I'm ready to let it die.

Did you have fun?

Yeah, yeah. It was perfect.

Yay!

All right, well, we'll talk tomorrow?

Yeah.

Um... And just for the record,

I had no idea that you felt that way

when you invited me to Italy, so...

No. Please. Like, how could you have? I mean, it's totally fine.

And it's water under the bridge.

Okay.

Because, you know, if I had known, I just...

Good night.

Yeah. Good night.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

So you guys think John will call? Man, I really hope he calls.

I think you got the wrong idea about dude night.

What?

Thanks for a great party, you guys. That was awesome.

Come on. Let's keep it going.

I think everything's closed, man.

Not true. 24-hour IHOP, two miles from here.

Oh, yeah. Actually, I am starving.

I could eat.

I mean, we'll never get a cab at this hour.

Don't worry. I planned ahead.

Dude! All right!

Limos are key, fellows.

Oh! Yeah! Kenny!

Nice! I guess that's why they call you the king, huh?

Hey, should we invite P.J.?No!

This is about dudes eating pancakes.

All right.

Bachelor parties and showers. Turns out they're both sexist rituals.

But the bachelor party is so much less lame. Plus, there's scotch.

Hey.

What are you still doing here? Everybody just left.

Yeah. Finally.

Why finally?

'Cause now I can do this.

Oh...