Original subtitles

The other one. Yeah. The boxer.

Check it out.

I am holding in my hands my last 20 bucks.

And I'd like to buy you guys all a drink.

No, you don't have to do that.

Nah, it's cool, man. I'm starting my job at Andy's law firm.

What? You took a job in corporate America?

Dude, it's a temp job, all right?

I look at it like robbing a 7-Eleven.

I get in, get some cash, get out, nobody gets hurt.

So this round's on me.

Okay. I'll take a scotch.

Brandy. Gin and tonic.

Another pitcher of beer it is.

There are hazards to being the only girl.

For one, the guys come to me with stuff

they would never go to the other guys for.

So you learn to hate the phrase...

P.J., you're a girl, right?

Yeah? Should I answer this?

I don't know. It's Caitlin.

I don't know Caitlin.

I'm not going to answer it. Okay.

Caitlin? From my improv class?

Yeah, she keeps calling me. Asking me out.

You know, I feel kind of bad 'cause I'm still going out with Beth.

What do I do?

What kind of question is that?

No, no. I have a question.

What is Kenny's problem that he thinks that that's a problem?

Don't be mad at him, dude. Be happy for him.

He would be happy for you.

No, I'm happy for him.

I'm so happy for him that I would like to beat him with my happiness.

All right, here's what you should do.

Does Caitlin know about Beth? I don't think so.

You should tell her. You don't want to lead her on.

You're right. I also can't handle all the stress.

Plus I want to put some distance between me and Mike's happiness.

Hey, thank you.

P.J., you have got to help me out.

You've got to set me up with somebody. Anybody.

This has been a paralyzing dry spell.

I'm sorry. None of my friends are single.

I'm willing to go out with anybody.

You know, go through that bin of friends

that you don't know what to do with.

I'll even go out with that girl who looks a little bit like Nick Nolte.

Oh, Shirley. She got married in December.

Now it's just you in that bin.

I gotta get out of that bin.

What's up, you guys? What's up, buddy?

Hey, Bobby.

Man, I am really starting to think

that this whole wedding thing is a mistake.

Really? Yeah. I just...

I don't know. Maybe Elsa and I should elope or something.

This whole thing is like a nightmare already.

My family is insane,

Elsa is super busy trying to prepare for her immigration hearing,

and so everything is just kind of falling on me.

Why don't you just get a wedding planner?

My mother's already fired three of them.

I do not know what I'm doing.

P.J., you're a girl, right?

I don't think so.

Would you just help me figure out

where we're going to do this thing? Please?

Oh, no, no, she's very busy. She's helping me find a girlfriend.

Yeah, plus she's got to go with me to J. Crew

to find something to wear for this temp job.

What? When were you going to ask me that?

And after I bought you a beer.

Come on, dude, you owe me.

How are you going to buy a shirt? You just spent your last 20.

Drink up, I've got another favor to ask you later.

You think I would, like...

I'm never gonna get it.

Here. Here.

No, no, let me guess.

You guys are on some kind of scavenger hunt.

We just won.

Guess what clinched it for us.

The head of a cow.

My uncle's a butcher.

Where's the cow head now?

In the car.

In the car, in the sun?

I cracked a window.

This is the kind of fun I can expect at work.

Oh, Jo, this is Brendan. He's going to be working in the mailroom.

That is so great. Make 10 copies of this.

I'm just kidding. I'll get one myself. Anybody else want one?

Scotch? Yeah.

Isn't she hilarious?

It's so different, having a female friend.

Yeah, she's honest, she's supportive, she's a good listener.

You guys aren't good listeners.

What did I just say?

Something about a scavenger hunt?

No.

Well, Andy, that's great.

I'm glad you've finally found a woman you can talk to.

She must be like a sister to you.

Exactly. Plus, Jo gives great advice.

You guys don't give good advice at all.

I've got some advice for you.

You might want to get that cow head out of the car.

Hey, Andy, I'm thinking,

we might want to get that cow head out of the car.

Good idea. All right.

Where were you guys on that one?

You don't remember? Really?

What do you think?

Oh! Wow!

Is class picture day tomorrow?

I like it.

Your individuality has been stripped from you.

You'll fit right in.

Yeah, it looks like you stepped right out of the preppy catalog.

I know, it's like, here's me tossing the Frisbee

for my golden retriever.

Here's me pushing my girlfriend in the tire swing.

Oh. Great.

I knew I'd find you all here.

Then why'd you come?

Well, I wanted to stop by and drop off

copies of my book for everyone. Oh.

Ooh! Free book!

"You're a Great Guy, But... A 21st Century Guide to Men."

This is so me.

Oh. Gosh.

So, you brought copies for everyone?

Are you sure that's a good idea?

I mean, aren't there chapters on each one of the guys?

I changed their names. They won't know.

Stephanie, they're not idiots.

Oh, my God, did I tell you? People gave it three and a half stars.

What people? Slow people? Illiterate people?

Yes, your whole family, Kenny.

Brendan, is that a new shirt? 'Cause you look great.

Really?

No, no! We just got him to stop doing the catalog bit.

No, no. All right, here's me reading a book,

enjoying a nice glass of wine.

Here's me laughing for the very first time at Brendo's catalog bit!

Here's me laughing at you...

Laughing at Brendo's catalog bit!

...laughing at you covered in wine!

What comes first? Fisher or Fleisher?

Wait... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I... I. Never mind, got it.

Brendo. Hey.

How's it going?

All right.

Although it's kind of weird working at a job where no one respects you.

Everyone respects you here.

Hey, Copy Slave, is the fax machine fixed yet?

Yeah.

He's just playing with you 'cause you're the new guy.

Yeah, they've been calling me that for 12 years.

You about ready for lunch?

Yeah.

Clearly not.

What?

Oh.

All right.

I'll meet you downstairs.

I gotta go. Keep your chin up.

Everyone says you're doing a great job.

It's not like this job is particularly challenging.

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P! P, P, P...

For normal people.

God, this job is horrible,

but it's making me dumber at such a rate

that I figure a couple weeks from now,

I'll be too stupid to realize it.

What's up, Kenny? That's, like, the tenth time you've checked the door.

I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid right now. I told Caitlin about Beth.

And...

And she doesn't care.

I told her I was seeing somebody else,

and she responded by sticking her tongue down my throat.

All right. You're on a roll. So now what?

So now I'm dating them both.

At the same time.

Yeah. Wow!

Is that the happiness?

Pure joy.

So we agree we both like the Drake?

I mean, you can't beat the views.

And Elsa seems cool with it, so we have our site.

Yeah, there is one more little problem.

What's that?

My mother, she keeps tossing around

this idea of, like, a destination wedding.

Like Hawaii or Santa Barbara, maybe Palm Springs. I don't know.

Okay, look, I'll just start doing some research online.

I'll look into what's what and, you know, I'll see what Pamela thinks.

That would be awesome.

And I love that you call my mother Pamela.

Why? Because she hates her name.

No.

No, don't worry about it. You're safe,

because she really, really likes you.

Of course, the last time my father called her Pamela

we had to get a restraining order put on her.

Yeah, I wish I was kidding about that.

It's like being punched in the stomach.

What is?

Oh.

Stephanie's book, right?

Stephanie's book?

Yeah. You guys did read it.

Absolutely. Absolutely.

Really?

No, I was thinking about reading it...

Guys. I've been busy.

It's just really girly.

Yeah, and Stephanie wrote it.

Well, you all know that if you guys wrote books, Stephanie would read them.

Why would I write a book?

I don't know. It's a hypothetical.

Can it be a comic book, then?

What's the comic book about?

Okay, it's about a planet of werewolves,

where the sun is like the moon

and the moon is like the sun...

And you're single. Weird.

Who needs? Yes, please.

I'll take one. A pitcher.

You guys, I think she's right.

Yeah, dude. Werewolves? Seriously?

I thought it worked.

No, I'm talking about Stephanie's book.

We should read it. She's our friend.

Well...

Come on, we'll divvy up the chapters,

so we don't all have to read the whole thing.

That sounds doable.

Yeah, okay, so what do you say we all have our parts read by,

like, Saturday?

Which I'm guessing actually means procrastinating

until we have to pull an all-nighter Friday just to get it done.

Oh, God, yes.

Just so we're clear.

Knock, knock.

...like a magic thumb.

Yeah.

Are those for me? Andy, you shouldn't have!

How's that?

Oh, that's good.

Hey, Brendo, how you doing today?

Hey, guys.

Right there, huh? Ooh. Yeah.

So, Andy and Jo? I mean, you think there's something going on there?

Hey, all I know is it looked suspicious.

Look, it was a neck rub. Friends give friends massages.

Yeah.

Please stop. Too rough?

No, just... No.

Anyway, nothing is going on between them, okay?

It's Andy. They're work friends, you know?

Trust me, he's not that type.

Look, Jo. You're beautiful. You're funny.

You deserve better than this guy.

Yeah! You know what I mean?

Yeah. All right, all right.

Let me call you on the way home from poker. Bye-bye.

See? Told you.

Dude, are you into Jo?

No, what are you talking about?

You look like more than friends at work.

That's ridiculous.

It's just we spend a lot of time together,

you know, with this project and all.

So, what you're saying is she's like your work wife.

Right. Wait, I don't like the sound of that. What does that mean?

It just means she's like your buddy at work.

You know, you eat lunch together. You have inside jokes.

You hate the same people.

You just described my relationship with Copy Slave.

It's just a work thing. There's nothing inappropriate about it.

I love my wife. Jo knows that.

Good. 'Cause it is not easy juggling two women.

Kenny is a Casanova. Wow!

Nothing makes sense to me anymore. Everything's upside down.

It's like black is white. Day is night...

Hey, it's like your werewolf comic.

I showed you those pages in confidence, Bobby.

Mike, just so you know, I can't do the juggling thing anymore.

I live in mortal fear all the time.

Of what?

I'm not sure. Of the two of them meeting,

becoming friends, moving in with each other,

and then over conversation, having a hot cocoa,

they both realize they're dating me.

Yeah.

Fine, then, I'll help you out. I'll take one off your hands.

They both rejected you.

So? People change their mind.

Not that fast.

Hey, wait a minute.

Granted she's not in your so-called castoff bin,

but Jo is single, right?

Umm...

Yeah. So?

Well, she's really cute. But do you think she's my type?

Dude, you asked me to set up a date with my friend who looks like Nick Nolte.

Let's do this.

When you're the only girl,

it can be so exhausting helping the guys sort through their stuff,

that you need a girl to help you sort through your stuff.

Sorry. Hi.

Sorry! I am sorry!

Where have you been? I am so sorry.

Okay, I got stuck helping Bobby with his wedding stuff,

and then I needed to help pick an outfit out

for Mike for his set-up date with Jo...

Hi. Thank you.

And then Kenny called me in this panic.

I get it.

So I'm sorry.

So, wedding stuff. Do we have it at his dad's ranch?

I mean, can you have a black-tie ranch wedding?

I mean, that's really hard.

That's why it's hard? Mmm.

Not because you're helping the guy that you're into

plan his wedding to another woman?

No.

It's not like I was in love with him, all right?

And I am over all of that.

Are you sure about that?

Stephanie! Look at me. I'm fine, okay?

Okay. Okay.

You have something in your teeth.

Did I get it?

Other tooth. How about now?

One tooth over. How about now?

I don't want to play this game.

You know, I'm working on a song

where I'm going to sample this thing.

It's kind of a rap thing.

♪ My fingers full of toner Your mama, I will own her

♪ And if I ever meet your sister I am gonna phone her

♪ And loan her to my friends... ♪

Hey, Copy Slave. Could you make 15 sets...

Brendan? Yeah.

It's Amy. Amy Vadino from Northwestern.

Amy. Yeah, hi.

God, I haven't seen you since, what, graduation?

How are you?

I'm great. Things are good, you know. I mean, nothing too exciting.

Law school, marriage, the same as everybody else we went to school with.

And you?

Good. Good. Really good.

Umm. I became a DJ right after school.

Of course.

Back in school, I used to listen to your show all the time.

It was the best.

Until the station I was working for went under.

Oh, that's too bad.

Yeah.

Let's see, what else? What else? Umm...

Oh! I mean, I got engaged a while back.

That's great. Yeah.

Wendy, right? Yeah.

Things didn't pan out with that, though.

Sorry. Yeah.

So, other than that, just,

you know, collating.

Well, that's great.

Yeah. Yeah.

So, I just give these to you, I guess?

Yeah.

Go 'Cats.

Grr.

You know, I went to Northwestern, too. Class of '91.

Theater major. You, too?

Dude...

♪ In school I took some classes Now I put caps in asses ♪

Sorry I'm late. It's all right.

They say our table's not going to be ready for, like, 10 minutes.

Good. Hi. Hey, Jo.

Hey. Hey.

Mike, you look really handsome.

Oh. Thank you.

Jo and I were just talking about the fact

that we were both recently in New York.

Yeah, I love it there. They have great restaurants.

Totally. I just got a chance to check out Peter Luger's. And it was so...

Could you excuse me for a sec?

That reminds me, Andy,

when the Sony people come to town,

we should take them to Morton's

'cause they're big flesh eaters.

Yeah. Sorry, go ahead.

No, I had a steak.

It was good.

So, gosh, this is a really nice restaurant, huh?

Yeah, well, it was that big guy's idea.

Yeah, we brought some clients here last week,

and let me tell you...

Actually, let me not tell you.

It got a little crazy. I'll say.

You'll say? I'll say. Yeah.

So, what's good here?

Andy?

Last week, this guy got the fish with the head on.

She totally dared me. I couldn't eat him.

You know, the eye was looking up at me the entire meal.

We named him Stan!

He was looking. It was like, "Hi, I'm Stan, the trout.

"Nice to meet you. Slap me some fin."

And then the cigar bar... Oh, my God.

That was ridiculous.

Security just right there, like... on you.

And the bus stop! The bus stop!

This guy was, like, "Are you going to sleep there?"

I wasn't even lying down.

In a bus stop!

Oh, my God!

Okay, that's... Snap!

You owe me another one.

The usual? Yeah. With...

With three cherries. I know.

Thank you.

She drinks Manhattans.

Well, that's funny. We were talking about New York.

Yeah. I can't get the bartender's attention.

I'll go with you.

If he's buying her a drink, why is she going with him?

I don't know.

Ready? Jump for it! Jump!

Weird. You bit me!

Now I know how Stan the trout feels.

Oh...

...my...

...God.

Look, Andy, are you kidding me?

I mean, you've got to realize that Jo likes you.

She does not.

Women do not feed men that they're not interested in.

Have you been married too long? Is that why you're blind?

Yeah, it was like you two were on the date. Yeah.

What?

You switched plates in the middle of the meal.

Her salmon looked really good.

You don't share food with someone you're not sleeping with.

Except fries.

Dudes share fries. Yeah, fries are safe.

But it's not just the food. I mean, it's the whole way that you guys interact.

I mean, if you turn the volume down and just watch Kenny and me,

it would not look like what I saw between you and Jo.

Well, it could.

No, sweetie. No, it couldn't.

Do you guys really think she's into me?

Yes.

That's very flattering.

Dude, you're married!

Yeah, but, you know, a woman hasn't been

interested in me since Meredith.

And even then, she wasn't all that gung ho.

Yeah, but, Andy, you can't lead her on.

She knows I'm happily married. I'd never cross the line.

Well, there she is.

Hey, everyone. What's going on?

Nothing's going on. Everything's fine. Right, Mike?

Or should I say Ike?

You read my book!

Yes, we read your book.

Lenny, Brian, Ike, Robbie?

Yeah, it's totally all about us!

Yeah. I'm upset, too.

We could sue, you know. Now we're talking.

I could sue you for all the lies and other stuff.

You didn't read it, did you? I just couldn't get around to it.

And, by the way, you're totally wrong.

You say that Brians suffer from Peter Pan Syndrome

and don't plan for the future?

Brendo, your job.

What about my job?

What about my horrible, soul-crushing,

"you could train a chimp to do it" job.

Oh, my God.

Steph, you are so right. I've completely failed to plan for the future.

I know. All right. Hold on. Not so fast.

Your book also makes it sound like I'm afraid of women.

You are.

Well, guess what? I'm not afraid of women anymore.

In fact, it's the complete opposite.

Women are afraid of you? Shut up.

I have two great women that are into me, and you know what?

I'm going to date them both. Take that.

Ow! I guess you told me.

Yeah, yeah, and I'm planning for the future. Right now.

Two years from now, I'm going to own all the public storage facilities

between here and Cleveland.

What?

I don't know. Just came to me. I've got tons of plans.

What about the law firm?

No way, dude. That place is horrible. No offense.

Too rich to care.

You know, sometimes the guys really appreciate complete honesty

from a female perspective.

And Robbies are the dumb jock type?

Ouch, Steph. That stings.

Oh, no, Robbie wasn't modeled after you.

Oh.

Am I Vance?

No. Vance is Lance...

Bobby, you're not in the book.

Why?

Well, there's really nothing wrong with you.

You're just a great guy. No buts.

What are you talking about, "no but"?

What about the whole knee-jerk, shotgun wedding to the Swedish nanny thing?

That we are really looking forward to.

And, not to change the subject,

but did I mention it is going to be at Bobby's daddy's ranch?

And sometimes they just need you to lie and lie and lie.