Original subtitles

Pitcher of delicious, anyone?

Beer, beer, beer.

Is that my shirt? Oh. Yeah, sorry.

We were playing with Savannah in the kiddy pool. Mine got all wet.

Did Elsa get all wet?

That's crossing the line. What?

That's his girlfriend you're talking about, man.

So, that's the line, now? Water?

I thought it was oil. Like, all oiled up.

What are you doing?

Fine. Okay, I'll say some stuff, then,

and you tell me where the line is.

Elsa shopping for vegetables.

Elsa eating chocolate cake.

Elsa horseback riding.

What are you doing? Maybe let's not do this.

Dude, it's his girlfriend, all right? Show some respect.

The man's got feelings for her.

Feelings? What, are you in love?

I gotta go.

He totally loves her.

Seriously, seriously, I have to take off soon,

'cause Elsa and I are watching this Project Runway marathon tonight, so...

Project Runway? The show where they make shirts?

You watch that show?

That's lame, dude. I could make a shirt.

No way. Do you have any idea how hard that is?

How hard can it be?

You take a needle, some cloth, a little string...

Do you mean thread? Whatever. I can make a shirt.

You can't make a shirt. You can't even make your own bed.

How much you wanna bet?

$35,000.

Free booze for a month.

Fine. We'll do a competition.

Everybody takes 20 bucks, buys some fabric. You buy some string.

Spend the next three days making shirts,

and on Saturday, we show them off.

Okay, the dude with the best shirt

drinks for free for the month,

on the losers' dime.

I like it. I'm in.

In. Andy?

That's okay. I've discovered a little place called the Gap.

Turns out they make shirts. Besides, I got a lot on my plate.

Jo and I are putting the final touches on this big real estate deal.

I guess we're gonna need models for our shirts.

I call Elsa!

All right, take it easy.

What? I didn't cross the line. I didn't say something like,

"My shirt's going to be made of lotion."

The line! Wow!

I can't stop smiling. I think I'm skipping. But I don't care.

There's a new man in my life, and I think it's gonna change everything.

Okay, what would be the craziest thing

I could tell you guys right now?

You can fly. You're a dude.

I don't wanna play this game anymore.

You ready? I am writing a book...

Hey!

No, wait for it. I am writing a book with and about Spike Upton.

Wait, what? Spike Upton?

As in the pitcher Spike Upton from the Mets?

Yes, the one and only.

Why haven't you told us about this? I didn't wanna jinx it.

I wanted to wait till I got the job.

How did you even get that job?

Well, Jack Briscoe set me up with Spike's agent.

His agent read my samples. We met, totally hit it off,

and I'm writing a book with Spike Upton!

That's unbelievable. I'm so proud of you.

This is huge. This is big time, okay? Can we meet him?

Hey, Kenny, why don't you just relax, okay? He's just a guy.

He puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like everybody else.

His professional baseball uniform pants?

Hey, P.J.

Spike, hey. How's it going?

These are my friends.

This is my brother, Andy. Hey, Spike.

This is Brendan. How's it going?

Mike Callahan. Big fan.

Oh. Thanks.

Huge. You're awesome. Much better looking in person.

Take it easy.

I can't help it. I'm just... I'm a huge Mets fan!

He's from Chicago.

Mets! Number one!

It's all right. I'm from Chicago. I grew up a Cubs fan.

Me, too! We have so much in common. I knew we would.

Hi. I'm Kenny. He's a little drunk.

I've seen worse. You ever been to Shea on a Tuesday?

Tuesdays.

We're going off to dinner to celebrate our book, huh?

That's right. I'm excited to start writing,

although, I gotta say, I don't even know where to begin.

No, it's like I said. Your story writes itself.

Awesome in college, awesome in New York.

It should just be called Totally Awesome, by Spike Upton.

Order now and you'll also receive

I Creeped Out Spike Upton, by Mike Callahan.

All right. Let's go.

Later, guys.

All right, let me see. What did you guys get at the fabric store?

Okay, well, I went with some really vibrant colors.

Like, perfect for late spring, early summer, what have you.

I went with stretchy fabric.

Andy, come on, it's not too late to get into the competition.

No time. This Park Ridge deal's been keeping me busy.

I've been pulling a lot of late nights at the office with Jo.

Bet Savannah misses you.

Are you kidding? She's got Bobby and Elsa.

They're like her own private Ken and Barbie.

We went to Target this morning.

Did you grab those socks for me?

Top drawer, bedroom dresser.

Thanks, honey.

Speaking of work, what's up with our newest and bestest buddy?

I don't know. It's weird.

Spike's not, like, as focused as you might think.

He's kind of ADD.

And he's really into decorating my apartment.

He bought me sconces.

That is weird.

Okay, let me say something, as your friend and the biggest Mets fan ever,

this is the most important relationship of your life.

More important than your future husband, whoever he is.

I had money on Thorn.

You did? With who? Nobody.

Okay, that's not the point. Look, the point is that he's famous,

I would like to be his friend,

so please don't screw this up.

I know, but it is... It's really hard, okay?

We've had, like, three meetings,

and we've barely gotten any work done.

Well, if you ask me... We didn't.

He can't expect you to do all the work.

You know, I mean, he has to meet you halfway.

If he's not into the book, then just move on.

No, I can't do that. This book is a huge career changer for me.

Hey, buddy. Brendan's here.

Brendo. Dude, you missed our trip to the fabric store.

Sorry about that, guys.

I lost my job.

What?

Coast has been turned over to a computer.

Dude, that sucks, man.

What happened?

The man's cutting costs again.

The whole station's automated now.

I've been replaced by an iPod.

Oh, my God. That's terrible.

I know.

Brendo, I'm so sorry, man. I gotta say,

I was really starting to enjoy The Coast.

The Coast FM.

I wish there was some magic potion

that could make all your troubles go away.

Look what we have here.

Ooh!

Hurry up with the sewing machine, Bob.

I've got it booked from 4:00 to 5:00.

You know, it's kind of cute to watch you guys try,

but you don't stand a chance here.

You're dealing with the master.

I'm kind of like the Tiger Woods of sewing.

You know what, buddy? We're gonna let you have that one.

Well, it does look like it's coming along nicely.

Look at that seam. Really?

I have no idea. You could hold up a washcloth.

I wouldn't know the difference.

Well, it's a good thing you're a judge.

You know, Elsa and I are taking Savannah

to the Shedd Aquarium tomorrow.

Well, as long as you're taking over my job as man around the house,

do you think you could check out the shower head

in the guest bathroom?

I think we need a new one.

I took care of it yesterday.

Bobby, I love you.

It kills me to say this, but I don't hate the pattern.

What happened to your voice?

My allergies are acting up.

I'm allergic to cats and pigs.

You sound sexy. Really?

No.

Oh!

You guys are not gonna believe this.

Spike never showed up for work.

What do you mean?

I went to his hotel to meet him, and he blew me off.

Do you have any idea how hard it is

to sit at a hotel bar for three hours and not drink?

I ate two pounds of nuts.

That's terrible.

Well, not the nut part. That's always been a fantasy of mine.

He's a professional athlete, okay?

He leads a completely different life.

He can't be bothered to be places at certain times.

Yeah, but how am I supposed to write a book with him?

First, I can't get him to focus. Now, I can't even find him.

He's busy. Just write it for him. Make up a bunch of stuff.

You know, "I like pandas, corn dogs. New York never sleeps."

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, done.

Dude, she can't do that.

Yeah, and I don't even wanna do that.

I mean, I loved good sports books when I was a kid.

You know, they inspired me.

I wanna inspire other kids.

I know. Me, too, man. I loved I Am Third.

Sacred Hoops. Seabiscuit.

Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!

Rudy!

We're done?

Seriously, guys, I need you to help me

figure out a way to get through to this guy.

Okay, you have to make him understand

that he's got a great story to tell.

No, I've tried that.

Well, he's a baseball player. Maybe he just needs a little coaching.

You know, let him know who's boss.

Get in his face. He's very big.

Tell him you need 110%. Coaches say that kind of stuff all the time.

Yeah, it's the bottom of the ninth. Bases loaded. Fourth and one.

This is our house. Remember the Alamo.

What are you talking about? I don't know.

You can always tell him what my old softball coach used to say to me,

"You're awkward. You're slow, and I'm worried you might get hurt."

Brendo! Brendo!

Hey!

Hey, Bren, where you been?

In my room, working the phones trying to find another job.

It's so depressing.

All the other rock stations are gone,

unless I wanna move to El Paso.

Not El Paso.

Brendo, come on, you're a great DJ.

There's gotta be another gig out there for you.

Dude, Arizona can get really hot.

Not even drunk.

Dude, trust me, there are no gigs.

I mean, do you think I would have spent another day

playing the soft hits of the '70s

if there were other jobs out there?

And I need something, man. I'm not exactly flush with cash right now.

Well, you could always sell off a chunk

of your massive record collection.

To who? All the used record stores are gone, too.

Record stores, radio stations, DJs, all gone. Extinct.

Just like the pig-nosed bandicoot.

Elsa has a minor in zoology.

You know, you could just get a job, like, bartending

for some quick cash.

Yeah, there's, like, two million bars in Chicago.

You could have a job by the end of the week, for sure.

I haven't bartended since college.

But you've been doing a lot of research

from the other side of the bar.

Ha-ha. It would be cash in hand really soon.

Yeah, but even in college it wasn't really bartending, you know.

I was just sort of in my dorm room

cracking Zimas for trampy chicks.

Hey! I had a Zima in your dorm room.

And?

And then I slept with your roommate.

Hey, P.J. Sorry I'm late. Oh. Hey, guys.

Jordan wanted to play 18 at Medinah, so we played 18 at Medinah.

Because when Michael Jordan wants to play 18 at Medinah,

you play 18 at Medinah.

Quick, guys, hide the shirts. I don't want Spike to see our lady work.

What's up, guys? What are you doing?

Nothing. Just a bunch of guys.

It's a shirt? Cool.

Really?

You might not know this, but I got my own clothing line.

I know. "What's Upton." I love it. I have your pants.

That sounds weird.

The guys are in the middle of a shirt-making competition.

You mean like Project Runway? I love that show.

Didn't you just hate Christian?

That's like my favorite show on the whole planet. I watch it all the time.

Incredible. Let me check out your stuff.

Hey, let's just get a little bit of work done first.

Yeah, this will only take a second. What do you got?

Check this out, Spike! This is mine.

Hey, Spike, can I talk to you in the kitchen for a second?

Yeah, let's go. Cool.

Hey, Spike. What's going on?

It's my putting. That's what's costing me.

No. I mean, do you want to do this book?

Oh, yeah.

Then act like it, all right?

Act like it matters. I do.

No, you don't.

You seem to want to do anything else but write this book.

Oh, no. That's not true.

Cool. Fruit.

Jeez.

Look, Spike.

Would you screw around like this

before a start against Atlanta?

No.

'Cause what would happen if you did?

I'd get shelled.

All right. Well, this is exactly the same thing, okay?

You wanna write a book, you gotta give it 110%.

Do you know why? Why?

Because you are a role model.

And a good Spike Upton book could move

and inspire all these kids who look up to you.

Really? Yeah.

Okay, what was your favorite book when you grew up?

Umm. It was a book about how awesome Ernie Banks was.

Do you see what I mean?

Yes.

Now, I want you to settle down.

I want you to get into your rhythm and lock this up!

Yes, ma'am. Go get 'em.

All right.

Ow!

Wow!

Hey, you wanna hear something funny?

I am actually starting to miss Gordon Lightfoot.

No. That is so sad.

Not as sad as this.

I got an interview. Some swanky bar over on Damen.

That's great.

So, what do you think? Tucked, untucked?

Tucked. Really? Damn.

You look good.

I feel like an idiot.

How did your little talk with Spike go?

Oh, my God. I think I finally got through to him.

Yesterday we worked for, like, three hours.

After that, we went antiquing. He bought me this brass urn.

Yeah, I think some people just need solid coaching.

Well, you got any pointers for me?

Lie about your resume.

Way ahead of you there.

Two years, head bartender at Flush.

So, Flush? Never heard of that place. Sounds made up.

Yeah, right? That's probably why it closed.

So, look, mate, I've got to say,

I've got some concerns with your resume.

Well, I've been DJ-ing for the past eight years, you know,

so I've been kind of busy with that.

Yeah, fantastic.

Well, look, mate, I've got to be honest with you.

I need someone with a bit more experience.

This place gets absolutely mad every night of the week.

Oh, my God. Hi, Brendan.

Hey.

Wendy? Yeah.

My God.

Whoa!

What is that?

Oh!

It's a baby.

A baby?

Is it yours?

Mine? Well, yeah. Ours, actually.

Dez plus me. So...

Ha!

This Dez?

I certainly hope so.

Yeah, Dez and I are married.

Yeah, seven glorious months.

Oh...

Wow! Wow. That's a lot of information to just...

Yeah.

Well, Dez, this is Brendan.

Brendan. Brendan.

Oh, Brendan.

What's up? Nice. Yeah. Fantastic. Nice to meet you.

What are you doing here?

Well, shouldn't you be at work?

Oh, yeah. They finally killed the station.

Yeah, it was Iron Maiden one minute and Air Supply the next.

Bloody hell.

Brendan, I'm really sorry.

Yeah, thanks.

Well, look, seeing as though you're an old friend of the family,

maybe we could start you off as a bar-back.

Or you could just get some experience in a smaller pub,

come back, see me in a year.

He's constantly expanding.

Yeah, opening up a new place in Logan Square next week.

Expanding locally, as well.

Yeah, you know, I'm gonna think about that.

In the meantime, I gotta go right now, though.

I got some stuff, you know, some sort of,

some top-secret stuff that I'm kind of,

you know, putting together, so...

Good luck with that.

Well, you, too.

Yeah, okay. All right.

The guy is British, okay? British.

I mean, how can I compete with that? They're just cooler.

So much cooler. Oh! The accent.

It makes them so much more attractive.

Colin Firth. Jude Law.

The new James Bond guy.

Oh, my God. Could you just die?

I mean, a British accent and a Zima. Done and done.

Did she see the signs?

I mean, did Wendy know that I was gonna crash and burn this summer?

Is that why she left me? I mean, it's just so embarrassing.

Nobody could have seen this coming, Bren.

Yeah, right?

And, I mean, on top of that, she called me Brendan.

That whore!

No, it drives him crazy when his girlfriends use his full name.

I don't really know what button it pushes, but it's a big one.

Here. Drink right from the pitcher. You deserve it, girl.

Thanks, but I gotta get ready for this stupid contest.

Oh! Hey, there's Jack. Hang on, you guys.

Don't.

I was just looking.

Jack. Hey, what you doing here?

I'm looking for you. Oh.

I've got some good news and some bad news, kiddo.

The bad news, your buddy Spike

is walking away from the book project.

No.

Yeah, but the good news is you're in a bar.

Which is the best place to be

when your hopes and dreams are crushed like little bugs.

No, wait. Okay, wait. You're kidding me. What happened?

I don't know. His agent said something

about he had to get down to Amish country to look for quilts.

God, I can't believe it. I thought I finally got through to him.

Yeah, well, somebody did.

Apparently, some idiot told him that he was gonna have to give

110% to this book.

God. You know, Jack, I really wanted this to work.

I mean, I tried and I tried and I tried.

Yeah, I know, P.J., but the truth is, you know,

you're not the first writer to strike out with Spike Upton.

No pun intended.

I wasn't? No.

They've gone to a couple of people

with a little more experience first.

Thirty-four people, to be exact.

Okay.

Anyway, you hang in there, kiddo.

Don't you let the bastard grind you down.

Nice.

Oh!

Wow. Yeah.

So, Mike, I'm actually impressed.

Tell us about your shirt.

Well, it's from my Night and Day collection.

Perfect for work but also perfect for the club.

Could you turn around, please?

Bang! Oh, God.

Bang?

'Cause when a guy's dancing, his back gets hot.

Right. Okay.

Kenny, what about you?

Well, as you know, I'm Italian.

Uh. Half.

Anyway, I've always been inspired by the neighborhood cafe

where you know everybody, where Mama brings you a nice pasta fagioli,

maybe a good chicken parm, maybe a nice pie.

You're wearing a tablecloth.

I'm wearing a tablecloth.

Kenny, what happened to the shirt you were working on?

Still wouldn't have gone tablecloth.

Brendo, tell us about your shirt.

She married a dude who owns a bar. I...

Let's move on. That's interesting.

Yeah, yeah.

That is a very nice shirt, Bobby.

Who made your shirt, Bob?

Me.

Elsa.

Okay, guys. Thank you very much.

We'll call you when we're ready.

God, it's just so sad.

It's a fashion disaster. I'm permanently scarred.

I didn't think they could do it,

but I didn't think it would be that bad.

I mean, they were tasteless. They were poorly made.

And I didn't like the shirts, either.

So, what should we do?

Well, one of them's gotta win, right?

Or maybe one of them doesn't have to lose as much as the other ones.

I know what to do.

Guys! Come on back.

We have picked a winner.

Bobby, you cheated.

Kenny, it's a tablecloth. Mike...

Bang. Oh, no, don't.

Brendo, you are the winner of Project Crowley's. Congratulations.

What? Come on.

We found your shirt was unique, avant-garde

and expresses a lot about you and your personal pain.

Ha! Yes, I knew it. Took me 10 minutes to do this thing. Whoo!

God, I can't believe I drink for free.

What should I get? What should I get?

Sympathy vote, huh?

Oh. Come on. Look how happy he is.

You're gonna keep wearing that?

No, I'm gonna put this on.

They're not even drunk.