Original subtitles

That was definitely outside. Absolutely.

What? That was outside!

Athletes are always talking about giving 110%.

Why do they give 10% more than everybody else?

Kevin Huff goes down!

Oh, my God. It shattered his helmet.

Dude, he might be dead.

No. No, he's moving.

That's not moving. That's twitching.

Oh, my God. No, he's up. He's okay.

All right. He's gonna take his base.

Wow! He ought to take two or three for that. Nice. Yeah.

Come on. He's a professional baseball player.

I mean, I could take that. No way!

Dude, have you ever been hit by a pitch?

That would shatter every bone in your body.

He's got a helmet.

Mike, you threw up when you got hit in the nuts with a water balloon.

Yeah, but that's an entirely different beast. Yes.

Oh, I'm sorry. You're saying

it's worse to get hit in the nuts with a water balloon

than get hit in the head with a baseball?

Hey, that's how David took down Goliath.

And lo, the black wave cometh across the giant.

The giant dropped to his knees

and retched.

Oh, hey, you guys. We got a special guest for poker tomorrow night.

Evan's going to play. Who's Evan?

Evan. He's the guy I met at Andy's barbecue.

Anyway, he's a good poker player.

You met a guy at the barbecue? Yeah, dude.

I told you about him on the ride home.

You did? What does he do?

He's a botanist.

Boy, you'd think we would have remembered "botanist."

Where does he botany at?

The Nature Museum at Lincoln Park.

There's a Nature Museum at Lincoln Park?

Yeah, it's right next to the zoo.

There's a zoo in Lincoln Park?

My God!

What's up, happy? Uh-oh.

Okay, either he won the lottery,

or he's gonna tell us that the McRib just came back.

I bought a boat.

A what? What?

You bought a boat?

Like, a boat?

I bought a boat and

this awesome book on knot-tying.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Where did you buy it?

Got it on craigslist.

1969, 31-foot, diesel-fueled Chris Craft Commander

that cruises at eight knots.

And, man, she sure is "yar."

Halfway through that sentence,

I knew he was going to say "yar."

I'm sorry. You don't know anything about boats.

Right is starboard. Left is port. Bring it.

Oh, my God. This is insane. Why the hell did you buy a boat?

I got one kid. Just thought, I got another one on the way.

Could be a fun family thing, right?

You'll all totally get into it

when I have my boat christening this Saturday at 1500 hours.

Kenny, that's 3:00.

Andy! Andy, hey.

Oh, my God, it's a boat-boat.

Ahoy!

I told you she was "yar." Congrats, man.

Bobby. Yeah?

You must have had a boat growing up.

Does she bring back some memories?

Yeah, kind of.

Not quite the same without the helipad, though.

Hey, what do you think?

The dock's icky. Seagulls are disgusting,

and I don't know why, but I'm afraid a lobster might bite me.

There are no lobsters. It's a lake.

I said, I don't know why.

Okay, let's do it. Let's christen this baby.

Wait, wait, wait. Shouldn't we wait for Meredith?

Oh, yeah... She's not coming.

Why not? I kind of didn't tell her.

About the christening? About the boat.

Anyway...

That's a spicy meatball.

Yeah!

Let's do this. Gonna give it up.

Champagne?

Yeah, don't be shy, girl.

Andy, you didn't tell your wife that you bought a boat?

Yeah, I don't know...

It just didn't come up, you know? Oh.

You realize that you're going to have to bring it up first?

I mean, she's not going to say over eggs,

"Hey honey, did you buy a boat today?"

Well, see, I was flipping through a GQ, and...

I can already tell you're not going to come off good in this story.

And there was an article saying that all men need a place to call theirs.

You know, a little hideout to be alone with their thoughts.

Yeah, but I think they mean, like, re-do the den

or put a bumper pool table in the garage, not buy a boat.

I deserve this boat. I don't get to have any fun anymore,

living way out in the suburbs.

I mean, there's nothing to do.

And I'm just so bored.

I mean, Meredith's getting the baby.

What do I get?

Um, the baby?

Andy, come on. This is crazy. You gotta tell her.

All right, fine. I'll tell her tonight.

I'll tell my wife I bought a $70,000 boat. That's gonna be great.

Hey, Andy. That's what the boat's called?

Seriously? Yeah, why? What do you mean?

Nothing.

He couldn't find one called The Mid-life Crisis.

Or The Obvious Cry For Help.

My dad bought a Porsche.

My dad took up heavy, heavy drinking.

Cheaper than a Porsche.

No, it wasn't.

They gave your dad a gold watch? They still do that?

Yeah, and it was a nice one.

It's so strange, though.

I saw a whole other side to my dad.

Everyone kept coming up to him and calling him Sparky.

My dad has a nickname, and it's "Sparky."

Were you close with your dad? Apparently not.

Although I plan on getting a lot closer to Sparky.

Oh, let me get that for you. Ah. Thanks.

Oh. I pushed it further.

Got a stool? Uh...

Yeah. I got... Yeah.

Oh, here. Let me get that at least.

Oh. Excuse me.

Hello! It's us.

Hey, you guys.

Oh, hey, hey.

You remember Evan. Yeah. Sure, sure, sure, sure.

What's your name again? Evan, dude.

Good to see you, pal.

Excuse me, Evan. Gotta put the grub down.

You need some help? Nope.

Yeah, so they totally replayed the hell out of that beanball on SportsCenter last night.

No way.

Yeah. I saw it. And I stand by my original position.

I could take it.

Yeah. You can't get a feel of the intensity of something like that from a replay.

No. That's why I look at the Zapruder film and I'm, like, "Eh."

Too soon. Really?

Excuse me. Sorry.

Oh, oh, oh. Sorry.

Let me just... Grabbin' a bowl.

Get out of everybody's way.

Guys, Andy's not picking up his phone.

Does anybody know why he's not here?

Maybe he hit an iceberg.

What, is he on the Titanic, or something?

Yeah. See, that was kind of the joke.

He bought a boat, so...

Hit an iceberg. Right. Yeah, that's why he's not here, then.

Right.

So Andy's out, but no problem, 'cause we got...

You. Evan.

Yeah, let's play. Oh, hey, just pull up that chair.

So, Evan, what do you do? I'm a botanist.

Really?

Yeah.

Ah.

So the knife slipped and it sliced the very tip of this finger,

so the top of it is just flapping around up and down,

like, you know, like a little hat or something.

Like, "Hello! Hello!" A little hat. "Hello! Hello!"

Oh, my God. Didn't that hurt?

No, 'cause, you know, I'm like Mike.

I just shrugged it off and I played the banjo.

You know, my banjo made of lemons.

All right. I'm sorry, okay?

I'm sorry that I'm more of a man than anyone else here.

Ow. That was mean.

Okay, I got one.

One summer, we were camping up in Door County.

I totally misjudged the sunset...

Door County. You ever been up there for the fall festival?

Oh, this is awesome. Are you going to tell the...

Yeah, yeah. Oh, this is such a good story.

Hang on. You gotta hear this.

Every year, they do this helicopter Ping-Pong ball thing,

where they drop, like, thousands of Ping-Pong balls from the sky...

Clang, clang, clang! And some of them have prizes in them.

So, bango! We win a dinner for two.

At this great perch restaurant.

The one with the bowling alley? Yeah.

The Perch and Bowl. Is that what it's called?

No idea. Either way, we order the perch,

and we start joking around like, "Wouldn't it be funny

"if we got a little fishbone caught in our throat?"

And then I actually get a fishbone caught in my throat!

So I'm sitting there choking.

And I think he's doing a bit, so I start fake choking back at him.

So the owner comes over, and apparently his fake choking

was better than my real choking, so...

So he comes over and gives me the Heimlich.

And I'm like, "No, no, no! I'm doing a bit!"

But he doesn't know what a bit is, so I look over at Mike,

and he's turning blue. So I gotta go over to him and give him the Heimlich.

Bang! The fishbone comes out of my throat.

Everyone in the restaurant applauds,

and there's blood dripping out of my throat.

The place was crazy!

Did it hurt? Throat blood's no big deal.

Dude, you were bleeding from the throat.

I'm a man! Come on. You had a little tear.

A little tear. A little tear.

But that was from laughing at the pain.

I don't know.

I'm sorry we got sidetracked. So...

What happened when you got lost?

Oh, I got a splinter in my foot.

When it got dark, we slept on the trail.

Woke up, got the splinter out

and walked back.

Did it hurt?

A little.

Oh. Huh.

Okay, who's it on?

I'm all in.

All right. Really?

Yeah. I know what I'm doing.

I mean, you sure you don't want to stay for another round?

Nah. I went out.

You know, sticking around for the next tournament just watching...

I gotta work tomorrow. Is that cool?

Yeah. I mean, it would be cooler

if you stayed for another round, but...

Thanks, but I'm done.

No big deal. Yeah. No, no, no. Okay.

You sure? Yeah.

Go win my money back for me.

See, athletes give 110% to their team because that's what everybody expects.

But if you give 110% to your team,

then what's left for everybody else?

So he just left and you haven't heard from him?

He's mad. He's not mad.

He hasn't called you.

He said everything was fine.

He said, "Go in there. Win my money back."

He kissed me on the cheek. I hear wedding bells.

P.J., he might have been Mr. Italy, and you introduced him to the guys?

What is wrong with that?

They're a five-headed monster, and it always goes the same way.

They chased away Hank.

They chased away that Tom guy, that cute banker.

The real estate guy with the weird shoes.

The espadrilles. Horrible things.

They didn't chase Evan away, okay? You are totally overreacting.

He hasn't called.

He's not mad. You weren't there, okay?

I can read people.

Like right now, you're frustrated.

You're actually still thinking about the espadrilles, aren't you?

They're not shoes for men.

Ah-ha.

It's gonna be Evan right now.

Calling from Meredith's house.

Hey, Meredith.

No, I haven't seen Andy.

Wait...

Wait, what fight? What was the fight about?

What? Andy bought a boat?

No, I'd be mad at him, too.

Um...

Yeah. Yeah. No, I'll call you as soon as I hear anything.

Okay, bye. Oh, no.

They had this huge fight last night.

Andy took off and he's not picking up his phone.

What? He's not picking up his phone?

What are you doing? I'm doing you.

Nice.

Oh, no. Oh, God. I bet he's on that boat.

He's on that boat being an idiot.

Is there any other way to be on a boat?

Ahoy! Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm.

Don't "ahoy" me.

What's happening with you?

Stayed on the boat last night and I have a whole new lease on life.

Look.

I'm learning knots.

That's not a double sheepshank.

Andy, what the hell are you doing?

I'm re-learning the double sheepshank, for one.

Andy, Meredith is worried sick... Andy!

Meredith is worried sick about you.

You cannot just start sleeping on a boat.

I can and I did last night.

Except around 2:00, I got a little queasy.

Moved over to that Howard Johnson's on LaSalle.

Andy, you're freaking out.

You're way too young for a mid-life crisis.

Everything I used to enjoy,

living in the city, hanging out with friends,

it's all been replaced with child seats and crabgrass and...

Having one kid's enough.

Having a second kid?

It's the final nail in my suburban coffin.

Hey, I'm a second kid.

You never know. A second kid can be a great and unexpected source of joy.

My life got away from me.

It's all laid out.

I don't get to make any more choices.

You have made amazing choices.

You chose to help people and be a public defender.

You chose to marry Meredith and have a family.

You just described the textbook dull, suburban nobody.

Oh, come on. Just because you have a family that you love

makes you a nobody?

Come on. You can take your life in any direction you want.

You just have to take your wife and your kids with you.

I already asked. She doesn't want to live on the boat.

Andy.

The point is...

You don't have to die in the crabgrass in Hoffman Estates.

Is your life over?

Technically, no.

Okay. So then, fix it.

You can still make it right.

Yeah, I can. And...

This is my life and...

Absolutely.

I gotta hop back in the saddle and grab the reins.

Call Meredith. Let her know you're all right.

Thanks.

Hugs, not drugs. Hugs, not drugs.

Actually, I gotta go grab my own reins and call somebody who's not calling me.

I'll see you later.

Oh, Metaphor.

Hey. Hey.

God, it is, like, Africa-hot in here.

Well, yeah, that's kind of the idea.

Oh, yeah, right. Yeah.

So, what's up?

You know, I just... I wanted to apologize about...

Sorry. About the other night. It's just...

You know, the guys and I, we do this regular poker night,

and we probably should have just gone on, like, a regular date-date.

And I just wanted to say I'm sorry for the...

No problem. I played such a bad hand.

And the guys are, you know, hilarious.

Yeah, you should see when Kenny has a bad hand. It's...

I actually don't want to talk about that. I wanted to...

I don't know.

What do you think about trying again and having a drink or dinner this week?

That sounds great, but I'm swamped.

You know, we've got a ton going on in the next couple of weeks.

We have an exhibit opening and... You know, swamped.

Yeah. No, that's cool.

But I'll call you as soon as things get back to normal.

Yeah. Yeah, okay. Great.

Yeah? Okay.

Okay, well, I'll see you then.

So he said he was swamped,

but he'll call me when things get back to normal.

Who said he was swamped? Evan.

Who's Evan? The botanist.

Swamped? He said he was swamped?

Dude, that's a total blow-off.

Dude, he's a botanist, okay? He's really busy.

He's got, you know, plants to discover.

No, "swamped" is a blow-off.

And it's so unspecific that it's genius.

Actually, it's a nautical term,

meaning when your boat takes on a bunch of water from a passing boat.

How is that relevant?

I don't know.

Is this our first fight? Maybe.

P.J., I think he's just trying to be polite.

I mean, "swamped" is what you say

when you don't want to deal anymore,

but you also don't want to hurt the person's feelings.

But why would he blow me off? I mean, we had a really good time together.

If you had such a good time, why did he go home at 9:30 on poker night?

Well, I mean, you guys weren't being very nice to him.

What? Yeah.

You guys always do this. You purposely chase guys away.

You're a five-headed monster.

Um, there are only four of us here.

Four. Four-headed monster.

Yeah, you're not going to pin this on us, all right?

It's not our fault you brought your date to poker night.

Yeah, what was it? Your third date?

Yeah, if I'm out on a third date with a girl,

there's no way I'd want to hang out with a bunch of her guy friends.

Okay, to his credit, he did stick around

and he was a lot better about it than I would have been.

So now you like him? We never said we didn't.

The question is, do you like him?

Yeah, I do.

Then why'd you bring him to poker night?

That's what I was saying.

Whose side are you on?

I don't know. I keep switching.

P.J., this is a pretty tough situation for a guy to walk into.

You gotta realize that.

Yeah, I guess.

So on some level, you're either trying to test the guy

or you're trying to push him away.

Really, Dr. Brendo? Is that what I'm doing?

Look. All I'm saying is that it's okay.

You know? I mean, to a certain degree,

we all have a fear of commitment.

I'm afraid of commitment?

P.J., come on. I mean, look at yourself!

You are smart, attractive, funny.

Why else would you be single?

Because every night is deer season. And there ain't no limit!

Ew. No, I'm not like you. I'm not like him.

It's all cool, dude. We can grow old alone, together.

Oh, my God. I'm gonna cry.

Hey. Hey.

There he is again.

And he's got the same look on his face.

Uh-oh. Is it possible he bought another boat?

Just the opposite. I sold the boat.

What? Are you kidding?

Did you even go anywhere on it?

You told us we were going to sail to Cheboygan.

Promises were made. Sorry, Mike.

Sadly, my marriage is more important than Cheboygan.

And speaking of marriages, Meredith and I are moving back to the city.

Hey! No way.

What? Really?

That's great, buddy. Welcome back.

Promises were made.

Wait a second. When? How?

Meredith and I talked, and it turns out she hates the suburbs, too.

And here's the kicker. She wants me to be happy.

I'm like, "Since when?" She's like, "Since always."

Blew my mind. That's fantastic, Andy.

The problem was how could we afford private school and a big yard in the city?

So, I got a new job.

Wait. You quit the public defender's office?

An old college buddy of mine had been bugging me for years

to join his huge corporate law firm,

so I finally took him up on it.

He said it looks classy to have a do-gooder

in with the horrible pack of thieving snakes.

Hey, don't sell yourself short, man.

You could be a terrific thieving snake.

Thank you! Wow, man. Corporate law? That's crazy.

Someone gave me a little advice that put everything in perspective.

Well... She said,

"Andy, sometimes you have to put your high ideals aside

"and just sell out like everyone else."

That is not what I said. It isn't?

No. My bad.

A toast. Yes!

Yes. To Andy returning to civilization.

Hey, guys, check it out. Kevin Huff isn't playing today. Concussion.

What a wussy. He was wearing a helmet.

Dude, you get hit with a 90-mile-an-hour fastball,

you would cry like a little girl.

Baby girl baby...

Girl.

I could take it.

Absolutely no way.

Absolutely.

Okay, give me a 45.

You're an idiot.

I'm good! Okay, come on. Let me try. Let me try.

All right. All right. Come on. Give me a 50. I can take it.

Okay, 60, please. I'd like a 60.

Damn it! Sixty-five!

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Okay. What do you guys think?

Should I start...

Maybe they say 110% because life isn't about perfect math.

The effort you put into different parts of your life

doesn't actually add up to 100%.

It fluctuates as you focus on different parts, as you strike a balance.

Which is why I'm now going to try and give 453%.

Give me an 85, and I'm gonna take it in the head.

Mike? You okay?

What day is it?

Today? Why, 'tis Christmas day.