Original subtitles

The thing that separates the few guys

who make it in the big leagues

from the thousands who try

is their ability to handle a major-league curveball.

Greetings, city dwellers.

Hey, look, everybody. Andy's smiling.

Let me guess. You won a big case

and kept an innocent man out of prison.

No, no, no, no. Traffic.

I bet there was no traffic.

Wrong and wronger.

My client got 20 years,

and a milk truck crashed into a construction zone.

All right. Then, what's going on?

'Cause you're freaking me out.

Nothing.

You know, despite all my complaining,

the suburbs are actually growing on me.

What? People are friendly.

The streets are clean.

You know what? Don't take my word for it.

Come see for yourself this Saturday.

Meredith and I are having a little housewarming/barbecue.

I'm in. And you know why?

Because suburban chicks love city guys.

And why is that, exactly?

Because we're tough. We're dangerous.

Hey, can we light this?

It smells like a pumpkin.

Hey, you guys all coming? Hell, yeah.

Yeah, I'm in. Absolutely.

I would love to, but I have to go to Atlanta

and do some player interviews.

That's all right. It's too bad, though.

You're gonna miss out on meeting Frank and Eileen.

Oh, man, are you serious?

Why'd you invite them?

Who are Frank and Eileen?

Our parents.

Come on. Frank and Eileen are the best.

I love it when Frank downs a couple bottles of wine,

and sits in his lawn chair, and just stares out at the yard.

He's like a wrinkly, drunk Buddha.

Yeah. They are great.

It's just my mom can be relentless about my love life.

Yeah, and when you try and tell her

how you really feel about something,

she always hits you with...

"Oh, you don't mean that."

How does she know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah, Eileen can be tough.

From the first time I met her at parents weekend,

the only three words she's ever said to me were, "Get a haircut."

Oh, come on. Those aren't the only words she's ever said to you.

No, no. You're right, actually,

at their 40th wedding anniversary,

when you had Kenny pretend to be your boyfriend,

she did ask me why you were dating a gay guy.

She did not.

She said she'd never seen a straight guy dance like that before.

You mean, that well.

Dude, what was with the gunplay?

That's why I don't like to dance in public.

That was hilarious. Yeah.

Lassoing Brendan.

"Come here, Brendan."

Kenny, how about giving us the benefit of the doubt

on the childproof windows?

I'm melting back here.

Sorry.

What, are you kidding?

That's as far down as they go.

Hey, look, it's not my fault Stephanie can't be on time.

Yeah, and why does she get shotgun, anyway?

'Cause she called it. When?

She texted me this morning at 9:14 am.

You can't text shotgun.

Then why'd you text me at 9:18?

Fine. Then I'm calling shotgun right now for the way home.

You can't call return shotgun

until your vehicle is parked at the destination.

Everybody knows that, Mike. Yeah.

Just, dude, put on the AC, will you?

I'm pitting out my shirt.

Is that new?

No. I've had this forever.

Oh, my God!

You bought a shirt that said "Chicago" on it,

so the suburb girls will know you're from the city, didn't you?

That is so...

Genius. Brilliant.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry.

I was searching for something for us to listen to on the ride out.

Is that what you're wearing?

Yeah. It's a barbecue.

Yes, but it may also be where you meet your date to Italy.

That's what you said when we went to IKEA.

Well, you never know where it could happen.

Oh, by the way, I need that little wrenchy thing back.

My coffee table's all wobbly.

Hey, it's Bobby.

Hey. How's Hotlanta?

Dude, don't say "Hotlanta."

Sorry.

So, listen. I caught an early flight back,

and I was thinking of heading out to Andy's for the barbecue,

but all I have is his address.

Can you hook me up with some directions?

From Midway Airport? Hang on.

Hey, does anybody know how to get

to Hoffman Estates from Midway Airport?

No. Dude, he should just fly to O'Hare.

Yeah, it's like a $25 cab ride from there.

Yeah, I only have the directions Andy gave me,

and they start from my apartment.

Here's what you do.

Go from the airport to P.J.'s apartment.

Wait, wait. What?

I'm not going to drive all the way

into the city just to head back out.

You have to. It's the only way we know.

Okay, you know what? I'll figure it out.

I'll see you there.

He'll meet us there.

Going it alone, huh?

Suburb to suburb, that's madness.

You guys, he's a grown man.

I'm sure he's got a map.

Okay, so there's Wrigley, and there's my house.

Huh.

I live a lot closer to the river than I thought.

Shotgun picks the music, right?

Don't rub it in.

What the...

Language tapes? No way. Not in my car.

Driver overrules shotgun.

Thank you.

Fine.

Did I tell you about Lance?

He did the cutest thing last night.

He took my checkbook, and turned every zero into little hearts.

Isn't that adorable?

Oh, and did I tell you about Lance's dad?

Also named Lance, but he's not a "Jr." Different middle names.

So, anyway... Kenny, please.

Fine. Listen to your damn CDs.

Weaklings.

How expensive is this purse?

I'm such a sucker.

Like anyone can learn Italian from some stupid CDs.

I don't know.

So, this is suburban living, huh?

Pass!

This place seems really familiar.

That's 'cause we just drove by 50 places that look just like it.

Hey! Hey!

Hi. This is a great house.

Welcome to the Estates of Hoffman.

Great house. This place is beautiful.

We're so glad you came.

God! Are you kidding me? We've been dying to see this place.

Where's Savannah?

At the Pongettis. That's one great thing about the suburbs.

Your kids meet one kid with a pool, they never bother you again.

Andy.

Who needs? I'm ready. Yeah.

Always. Shotgun.

I can't believe she just did that.

Thanks.

Hey. Hi, guys.

Guys, I got bad news.

I think we're at a couples party.

This is worse than a couples party.

This is a family party.

Well, they're about to be sorry

they invited drunk Uncle Mike.

What the hell is that noise? It's driving me crazy.

Those are the cicadas.

The who? The cicadas. They're insects.

They're kind of special, actually.

They spend most of their lives underground,

and then every 17 years, they come up out of the ground to mate.

Hey. That's just like you, Kenny. Dude.

I'm Rachel.

Hey, I'm Brendan. Hey.

And this is... Uh... Uh...

Kenny and Mike.

We're from the city. Yeah. I guessed that by your shirt.

Yeah.

Well, it was nice meeting you guys.

Yeah. You, too. Really nice to meet you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow!

Andy.

Who's your hot neighbor?

That's Rachel. She lives in the cul-de-sac by the soccer fields.

She jogs every Wednesday morning at 8:00.

No ring on her finger. Divorced.

She must be so bored out here in the suburbs.

Desperate, all alone.

Looking for a little danger to break up the monotony.

Dude, you're not dangerous.

She's not alone. Mommy.

Hey, sweetie.

I like kids. I'm good with kids.

Kids are great. They're fine by me.

The curveball is tricky, because it looks like one thing,

but turns out to be another.

None for you?

Well, maybe later.

I'm just gonna hide this before your dad gets here,

or that's the last glass you'll get all night.

Honey, you know what else is great about the suburbs?

What's that? I can finally break out my Jarts.

Oh, my God. Are those our Jarts from growing up?

No. I found them in the garage when we were moving in.

How weird is that?

Andy, no Jarts.

There are children out there, and I think those things are illegal.

Yeah, but that's what makes them so fun.

Andy, I said no.

P.J., can you hand me the shrink-wrap?

It's in the, um...

Yeah, I got it.

Wait a second. How did I know that?

Knives and forks.

Yes.

Dish towels.

Okay, wait.

Oh! Oh!

Miscellaneous, pens, scissors, maybe a deck of cards.

Pens, scissors, deck of cards.

What's it take for a parent to get a hello around here?

- Hey, Ma. - Frank.

We love this house.

Hey, honeybun.

It could use a coat of paint, but it's just darling.

Oh, my God. I just realized it.

No wonder why I know where everything is.

This house is exactly like Mom and Dad's.

What? No, look at it.

Oh, my God.

It is identical to theirs.

That is so weird.

Oh, my God. She's right.

It can't be. That's impossible.

Nope.

It's the same.

What's this junk?

But I always hated that house.

Oh, you don't mean that.

Same house? Same layout and everything?

Uh-huh.

What are the odds?

In this neighborhood? Pretty good.

So now you and Meredith will be having sex

in the same room as your parents did.

Not anymore, we won't.

Look at him. I'm relaxed just watching him.

What's he looking for?

Nobody knows.

It's Bobby. Hey. Where are you?

Hey, I think I'm close.

Did you guys pass an office park?

Yeah. Did it have a Chili's and a 24 Hour Fitness?

Yeah. Yeah. A big DeVry Institute sign?

No. University of Phoenix.

Damn it. I'll call you later.

Come on inside!

Hey, a little help?

Andy!

You know, some of these people are younger than us

and on their second kid.

I know. Scary.

Well, it kind of makes you wonder,

maybe we're doing something wrong.

Stop wondering. You are.

Boy, you kids today and your waiting around for the perfect man.

My days, you found a guy you could stand, and you kept him.

Frank!

Don't use all the kids' sunscreen.

You know, Mom, that was a different time.

I would like to wait for the right person.

Oh, you don't mean that.

Well, I'm just glad that I found Lance.

Who's Lance? This is Lance.

Oh, and get this. He's my debt counselor.

Can you believe that?

Oh, that's wonderful. I know.

P.J., why don't you go out with Lance?

Guys, this is Evan.

He's another one of you city folk

who's been dragged out here to the boring old suburbs.

And I thought maybe he'd feel a little more comfortable

around some of his own people.

That's very nice of you, Meredith, but...

Savannah! Honey, those are big-people drinks.

Excuse me a sec. Andy!

So, Evan, are you single?

Mom. Um...

I don't know. Are you looking?

That is...

I like this one.

God. Please ignore them.

They're fine.

No, they're not. They're 12.

Hey, you think it'd be all right

if I went out and grabbed a smoke?

Yeah. I don't see why not.

P.J., he's cute.

Care to join me? I'd love to.

I just talked to Bobby. Sorry.

He's still lost.

What are you talking about?

I just saw him scarfing down a plate of potato salad right over there.

Wow.

That's crazy. That guy looks just like Bobby.

Dude, he could be his doppelganger.

He's a Bobbelganger.

Oh, no!

The villagers are chasing the princess!

Oh, hey, Bobby. Glad you made it.

The old "play with the kid to get to the mom" trick.

Brilliant. Genius.

Better luck next time, ladies.

Looks like they're having fun.

Who? Yeah. Yeah, Mike.

You know, he's been really great with kids lately.

I mean, thank God for AA, right?

Princess Carly coming through.

She is so much fun.

Hey, who wants to go on the wagon with me?

So, Brendan, what do you do for fun?

Me? I'm kind of a homebody, you know.

I like to just... Nice, quiet...

You? Come on.

You and Colleen are out every night doing something fun.

Have some melon. It's delicious.

Great.

So you finally got that haircut.

Yeah. Yeah, I did. What do you think?

Looked better long.

Oh, and watch out for this guy.

He'll dance your socks off.

She's a character.

Yeah. She's really with it for an older lady.

Yeah. Kenny slept with her sister.

Two times.

All right, well, I actually have this confession to make.

I don't really smoke.

Can you keep a secret? Neither do I.

I just keep this pack with me to get out of awkward situations.

Get out of here. No, I'm serious.

Whenever a conversation turns uncomfortable or awkward,

I start packing them in my palm, and voila, I'm free.

Went through two packs at Thanksgiving.

That's great.

Man, those bugs are so loud.

How many you think it takes to cause that much racket?

Hundreds of thousands.

You see, when they all come out at once like this,

they're actually protecting the brood from predators.

You work at a zoo?

No. I'm just a nerd.

I'm kidding. Well, you be the judge.

I'm a botanist. Nerd.

Yeah. No, I'm kidding.

Wow.

So is that how you know so much about the cicadas?

Yeah. And it's been all over the news.

Where have you been?

You know, they're pretty ingenious.

What's that, botanists or cicadas?

Both, but the cicadas get more girls.

No, you see, when they all come out at once like this,

each individual can sort of get lost in the crowd.

But if, say, one single cicada decided

that she was gonna go it alone,

come out all by herself,

she'd be surrounded by bloodthirsty predators.

Boy, playing with kids can really make you thirsty.

Bobby.

Where are you? I'm at the house. No one's here.

It's 11600.

I am at 11600 Willowbrook Lane.

Willowbrook Drive.

What do you mean, Willowbrook Drive?

There's a Willowbrook Drive? Yes.

What kind of crazy-ass place is this? Hurry up.

All right. I'll see you.

Idiot.

Dumb-ass.

Hey, P.J.'s mom wants to see everyone outside.

All right. Come on, honey.

Tell them. Tell them.

Well, I really wasn't planning on doing this.

But since Eileen kind of put two and two together...

Who knew my turning down a drink

would be enough to raise suspicion?

But since everyone who I'd want to tell seems to already be here,

and Eileen is Eileen...

Quit stalling! Okay?

Meredith is pregnant.

Congratulations.

Congratulations.

What? Honey, I am so sorry.

I really wasn't planning on doing it this way, but...

You know how your mother can be.

We're having a baby!

We're having a baby?

I gotta go call my folks before your mom does.

Yeah, you do. Go, go, go.

I love you. I love you.

Life is a lot like a crafty pitcher.

If you can't hit a curveball, that's all he'll throw you.

Congratulations, Son.

Thanks.

You know, your sister, she was a surprise.

Look how much joy she's brought us.

Thanks, Dad.

Congratulations. I think I'm gonna throw up.

You were trying to warn me, weren't you?

Is that what all the buzzing was about?

Hey.

Oh, yeah.

I gotta run, but I just wanted to say it was

really great not smoking with you.

Yeah. You, too.

You need a ride back to civilization?

I don't wanna brag, but I borrowed a car.

That is impressive.

Um...

You know, I should stick around

and make sure everything's okay.

What do you mean, I don't listen? I listen.

Get out of my yard.

Yeah, you're probably gonna need these more than me.

Okay. Thanks.

Lance, I'm telling you, this is better than when we saw those monkeys

doing it on the Discovery Channel.

That is the funniest thing I've ever heard.

I know. So funny. This is true.

Guys, it was really wonderful meeting all of you,

but Carly's exhausted, so...

I hope I didn't tire her out.

You really should call your sponsor. My what?

You know, if she's really that tired,

maybe I should give you guys a ride home.

We just live a block away.

I don't mind. I like driving.

Well, I'm glad one of us does.

There he is. Finally.

Bobby, this is Rachel. Rachel, this is our buddy Bobby.

So you're Bobby. Hi.

Hi.

Um, Meredith's told me a lot about you.

She has?

Lance, baby, the hunted just became the hunter.

Carly, honey, why don't you go play with Savannah?

Actually, Savannah went to bed.

Go wake her up.

I think there might still be a couple of beers in the cooler out back.

That sounds great.

Bobby got the vouch.

The Meredith vouch.

Game over, fellas.

So, you're gonna be a dad again.

That's exciting, huh?

Yeah.

You know, after all these years,

I know what it is Dad is looking for.

What?

An escape route. Oh, come on.

What happened to you actually starting to enjoy the suburbs?

I was drunk on grass clippings and public-school ratings.

I'm trapped, P.J. What can I do?

Well, let's not get carried away.

I bought the exact same house as him.

That's not something that just happens.

That's a sign.

I'm turning into Dad, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Don't be ridiculous.

You determine your own destiny.

And even if you wanted to turn into Dad,

you'd never be able to find that many pairs of yellow pants.

I bought the same house as him.

I act like him.

Now I'm gonna have an accidental second child like him.

Hey. No, that's it.

I'm done fighting it.

The fact is, it's inevitable.

We all end up like our parents.

You don't mean that.

Oh, God.

I gotta lie down.

Rather be Dad than Mom.

Man, I can't believe she was so into you

and you still haven't gone out with hot Mom.

I'm trying, I am. But do you have any idea how hard it is

to coordinate around a six-year-old's schedule?

I mean, art classes, gymnastics.

And since when are dance classes five days a week?

Depends on which classes you take.

I don't take dance classes.

So are we gonna deal Andy in here or what?

No, I guess not.

You guys, I'm kinda worried about him.

I think that barbecue really shook him up.

You know what I was thinking about last night when I was going to bed?

Did you know your dad's name is Frank Franklin?

No. I had no idea.

God, I wish my name were Mike Michaels.

We all do.

Hey, Peej, look, don't worry about Andy, okay? I'm sure he's fine.

He's gonna call any second and say

that he's stuck in traffic or something.

Yeah. Then he's gonna come in the door.

He's gonna have leftovers from the barbecue.

He'll drink a big glass of scotch

and start talking about how excited he is to have another kid.

Right there. See? There's Andy now.

Bet he wishes his last name was Anderson.

Hello. P.J.?

It's Evan, from your brother's barbecue.

Hey. How you doing?

Good. Hey, I hope you don't mind.

I got your number from Meredith.

No, no. Not at all.

Um, what's up?

Well, the thing is I really need those cigarettes back.

I just found out I have to go to my father's retirement party

this weekend, and...

Oh, God. How could you get through that without not smoking?

Exactly. So I was wondering if you wanted to not get a drink with me.

Would I not give your cigarettes back?

No, no, no. You would give them back.

Wait. What? Can we stop being clever?

Please. All right. Great.

Why don't I call you tomorrow, and we'll set something up?

Um... Okay, yeah. That sounds great.

I will talk to you then.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

But sometimes, getting a curveball is good.

Because if you connect with one,

it can mean a whole new ballgame.