Original subtitles

Hey, my neighbors Jenny and Brett barbecued a tri-tip.

There's some extra in the fridge.

Free meat. Hoffman Estates rules.

It's actually kind of growing on me.

Seriously? Yeah. People are super friendly.

My catty-corner neighbor, Fitzy, mowed my lawn just 'cause.

Now, is it catty-corner, or is it kitty-corner?

Catty-corner. Catty-corner.

Boop! Ew.

I should do something nice for Fitzy in return.

What's the protocol?

I don't know. You could reseal his driveway for him.

That's a suburbs thing, right?

Yeah, but where does it end? He paints my house.

I put a pool in his backyard.

Next thing you know, we're raising a barn, like an Amish community.

Oh, my God. I just got an e-mail.

Lyssa is coming in from New York for the weekend.

She's my old buddy from college, the editor of my newspaper.

She gave me my first column.

She's hot and single.

Every player starts out as a humble rookie.

Along the way, the challenge is

how do you stay that way throughout your career?

What up, Chicago's 37th-sexiest bachelor?

Brendo, be later. Where have you been?

Hey, I'm sorry, man.

Hams here had a huge craving for Belgian waffs.

I'm a little dry here. Got any juice?

Right there.

Oh, Hams, this is them.

Yeah. I understand.

Brendo, we dealt you in.

Oh, dudes, no. I'm not staying.

I just came by to grab a little show-show before we head out.

Head out? It's 11:30.

Don't your clothes have to get up for school tomorrow?

Whatevs, man. Noah's Ark doesn't even open till midnight.

Skin it. Nice.

That's what you two look like when you high-five.

Dude, you're already in. Just play the hand.

All right, fine.

Let's see. What do we got?

All right, I'm all in.

What? I got a hand.

All right, I fold.

I gotta call.

I'm out.

No, I'm... It's just some lame apartment.

One girl. No, not really. She's like a 6, 6.5.

No. That's impossible! Are you kidding me?

That's a bad beat.

Hey, you wanted me to play, so I did.

Sorry, baby.

Wow. Hey, sweets?

I'm gonna need to get online ASAP.

Hey, partner, did I tell you?

I ordered something for the store

that I think you're going to dig.

You ordered something without asking me?

No. I ordered something great without asking you.

What is it? I can't tell you.

Otherwise, I'd be a surprise ruiner, like Robert.

I am sorry. I thought you knew

that James Bond gets caught and told the evil secret.

He's in handcuffs on the poster.

What up?

Hey, dude.

What up, hairdo? You sick or something?

Oh, no, man. This is my new drink.

Emergen-C's and vodka.

Ew.

Okay, so I'm thinking I'm gonna take Lyssa off to Evanston, right,

'cause we're gonna go to Miller's bookstore like we used to

and pick out books and have coffee and...

You know, it's just gonna be just like old times.

You think she'll like it? I don't know.

I never really knew her.

I mean, I think she and I once shared a bagel.

But I'm sorry I won't be seeing her.

No? Why not?

Remember? I'm going to Lake Geneva tomorrow with Lance.

I'm having a top-secret practice vacation night

to see if he's really Italy material.

So, wait. If it goes well, you're gonna ask him?

No. If it goes well, I'm gonna ask him to Saugatuck for a weekend,

and if that goes well...

Okay, okay. I get it. I get it.

Hey.

Ooh. I gots to go.

Hams is hooking me up with a booth at the Brimstone.

Wait. We already got tickets

to the midnight show of The Simpsons Movie.

Yes, and I will definitely, definitely be there.

Oh, guys, do me a solid and cover my C's and vods.

Only got enough cash for a tax. Peace.

Okay, does anybody know that douchebag who just left?

Not me. I don't hang with douches.

What's wrong with him?

Ever since you gave him that "sexiest bachelor" thing,

he's been shortening his words. "Waffs" and "vods."

Yeah. It's annoy.

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. I got Fitzy'd.

Tried to leave, he stopped me, and we started talking.

Next thing I know, I'm helping him

put a kegerator in his garage.

What's that smell?

Mrs. Fitzy made zucchini bread,

zucchini muffins, and something called zucchini spread,

which is on the toll road, 'cause it smelled like a hot pond.

Some players get to the majors and struggle,

and others hit the ground running

and become all-stars right away.

P.J.?

Hi! Hi!

Oh, it's so good to see you.

So good. Look at you. You look amazing.

You look so fancy.

Oh, stop.

Oh, okay, P.J., P.J., you have to meet my friends.

This is Tina, Debbie, and Veronica.

Hi. Oh, hi.

I'm so happy you could join us.

Oh, I... Yeah, me, too.

I didn't know you were bringing friends.

So, P.J., Lyssa tells us that you write for sports.

She covers the Cubs, and she's brilliant. Wow.

So come on. Tell us. Tell you what?

You know, which Cub swings the biggest bat.

Oh, can we please go eat?

I am literally starving to death.

Oh, honey. Is there anywhere to eat in Chicago?

Oh, I just had such a craving for that Cuban place on Ninth Avenue.

You would love this place.

Small, great sangria...

Hottie-hot waiters. Am I right?

Yeah. I mean, it sounds great.

It's New York. Of course it's great.

Oh, they have the best meatballs.

She already mentioned the waiters.

Hurry.

I just can't believe I'm seeing you.

Very exciting, partner!

My order has arrived. Are you ready?

♪ And the home of the brave ♪

Did you steal some little girl's swimsuit?

It's Mary Lou Retton's.

Mary Lou Retton?

That's not going in my store, man.

Man, she was tiny.

I sell sports memorabilia. Sports.

Gymnastics is a sport.

No, it's not. Can you play defense?

No, but you keep score, and the most points wins.

So Family Feud is a sport?

Has it been washed?

Hey. What up, kids? Check this out.

I went to Billy Corgan's birthday party last night.

It was epic.

Brendan, you totally blew off The Simpsons Movie.

What? Oh, dude, this party was slamming, man.

There was no way I could leave.

Check this out, okay?

Me and Billy.

Me and Billy.

Billy buying me a drink.

Oh, and this is this hilarious little dog I saw.

Check that out.

Oh, look at his face.

I know. He's almost human.

Dude, why didn't you invite us to the party?

I just kind of figured it wasn't your scene, you know?

I didn't know we had a scene. Yeah, what's our scene?

The one where we wait around for our friend who never shows?

All right, all right. Look, you know what?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'll have a little discussion with Hams,

see if he can get you guys into Lab Rat.

Lab Rat?

Yeah. You know, that club, used to be Blueroom before it was Suede.

The old PETCO.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Morning, neighbor.

Hey, Fitzy.

Got a second?

Yeah.

So, listen, I was sort of hoping that after this,

we could go up to Miller's bookstore.

Miller's? I haven't thought about that place in forever.

Yeah? Yeah.

Oh, that'd be great.

I've never seen so much sausage.

You should see Rio. Oh!

Guys, I miss Vesty.

Aw.

Who's Vesty?

This adorable vest-wearing kid from Iowa

that brought up her midnight tuna melts.

He made my tuna...

No, no. Just...

Please don't.

I'm out of champers.

Waiter. Yeah.

So are we pouring this now, or are you still working?

Right away, ma'am.

So, what are we doing tonight?

Yeah, P.J. This is our big night in Chicago.

How are we spending it?

I was hoping to show you guys this place called Crowley's.

It's a mellow dive, but it's got great beer.

How about the Lab Rat?

Oh, that sounds perfect. What is it?

It's New York Chicago's favorite New York nightclub in Chicago.

What's New York Chicago?

It's our tour book that lists places

that are just like New York in other cities.

We have one for London, Atlanta, and Brooklyn.

That's the best one.

The Lab Rat is so hot, it has bikini girls in gerbil balls.

Shouldn't it be the other way around?

One problem with all-stars,

you have to hang out with their entourage.

More champers?

Champers! Cheers!

Andy, it's Saturday night.

Don't you have a wife and child and a life in the suburbs?

I'm not driving back till my neighbor falls asleep.

Fitzy rented Braveheart and told me

to give a knock when I get home.

What a nightmare.

"If my Rolling Rock sign's lit,

"it means I'm up. Give a holler."

I miss the city, where your neighbors are cold and suspicious,

the way it should be. Mmm-hmm.

I found it. And here's the receipt from when I bought it.

I guess I thought I was gonna do a lot of picnicking in 2002.

Oh, wow. Thank you so much.

Since Lake Geneva went so well,

Lance and I are going to a free concert at Millennium Park,

some jazz harpist.

What? A free jazz harpist?

You guys, I don't want to go to the Lab Rat tonight,

and I don't know what to do.

Lyssa seems like she's changed.

She's completely New Yorky.

Well, you haven't seen her in seven years.

I mean, that's a long time.

Yeah, but she was really cool, okay?

And now she is completely different.

I don't know. Maybe it's her friends.

They were so awful.

Yeah. You're at that age. What does that mean?

You know, it's the time when people

really start to become who they are.

You end up drifting apart from people

who were once really important to you.

Yeah, I guess I just don't really wanna drift apart from her.

Well, maybe you should tell her that.

But sometimes you gotta let a friend go, and it's a good thing,

'cause when you get to be my age,

you barely have time for the friends you have.

Certainly don't have time to fit in new ones.

Fitzy.

I guess.

It was so weird. All she wanted to do today was spa and club.

I like your verbs that are things.

I think I'm gonna sandwich after I sofa here for a bit.

This is absurd.

It's gonna be an hour and 30 bucks

before we even get to the bar.

It's totally barbaric.

Yo. I have arrived. Let's fall in.

Dude, are you sure that's Brendo?

So is this place really like New York?

Oh, nothing's like New York.

In New York, I walk by 50,000 people

every day of all walks of life.

It's just made me so accepting.

Excuse me. Could you back up?

Old Spice makes me sick.

Chicago bartenders are so slow.

On the plus side, these were only 20 bucks each.

Here's to finding a guy who knows more

about De Beers than "da Bears."

Oh, my God. Hurray.

Hey, you guys wanna meet some great Chicago guys?

Honey, I wanna eat some...

Okay.

God, look at this place.

Oh, look out.

Whoa!

Girls in gerbil balls.

I bet you think that's a sport, too.

If they race, yes.

Where the heck did Brendan go?

What's up, man? Hey, how you doing, man?

Oh, my God. Hi! Hi!

Hey. Hey.

I'm so happy to see you guys.

How are you?

I've never been so happy...

Hi, guys.

Hi. Hi.

- Hi. - Hey.

Oh, yeah. This is Tina, Veronica, Debbie.

How was... Veronica.

Debbie. Tina.

My bad. And that's my old pal Lyssa.

Hello. Hey, guys.

We were just about to go the bar and beg for some drinks.

You want us to beg you anything? Yeah.

I'll have a Hip'n'Hop with Grey Goose and Corralejo.

A what? Oh, it's like a Cosmo with tequila.

Mmm. Yuck.

So how long are you... Two nights.

And what do you... Consulting.

I love New York, the city that never sleeps.

Do you sleep, or are you up all night?

Oh, I burn the candle at both ends.

Oh, that's a lot of wax.

Totally. Fire hazard.

What are we talking about?

Lyssa.

You know, I feel like we haven't

had a chance to catch up at all.

I know. Well, you know what?

Maybe tomorrow, before you leave,

we could, I don't know, just the two of us...

We could get some coffee, you know.

We could go up to, like, Evanston or...

Why would I wanna go up to Evanston?

Don't have to go to Evanston. We could, like, just...

I don't know. We could get coffee anywhere, I guess.

Oh, my God. Is that that guy from college?

What's his name? Brandon?

It's Brendan, and he is not like that.

What, you know him?

Oh, my God. He got so hot.

Oh, let's go talk to him.

Um, yeah, you should go. I'll just hang out...

By myself.

I'm gonna chalk up the lack of connection

to the fact that you are in a giant plastic ball!

Okay!

We gotta get out of here.

Hey, there's Brendo.

Brendo!

I'll call him.

Why don't you tell him you're 1984

and you want your sunglasses back?

Or just tell him you're 1984

and you want Mary Lou Retton's leotard back.

Dude, stop it.

Did he just screen me? I will...

Oh, that's just disgusting.

It was nice to meet you. This place is nuts.

We're gonna blow.

Nuts? Blow? Too many options.

I just wanna be loved. I overcompensate.

Morning, Andy. Wait a second, neighbor.

Most entourages are just yes men.

They ensure the all-star keeps believing their own hype,

but the good ones make sure that,

even in success, the player stays grounded.

Guys, what's happening to my friends?

I mean, Lyssa used to be so cool.

Now she's a nightmare.

All right, what about Brendan? Mmm!

He's horrible.

I know. Ever since the whole "sexiest bachelor" thing,

he turned into a total grade-A, free-range douchebag.

Screw him. He screened me.

Kid's completely out of control.

All right, maybe he doesn't know how bad it's gotten.

You guys, we gotta do something about Brendo.

I mean, he is retrievable. I know it.

And if we do something now, it could be, like, just a phase, you know?

Like, everybody has a weird phase, right?

Yeah. I tried to rock the bolo tie

during that whole Joshua Tree period.

It happens to everyone.

That doesn't.

What?

All right, so what are we supposed to do, then,

just ride this out and hope it goes away?

I think it's more serious than that.

I think we gotta do an intervention.

A douchebag intervention. I like it.

I like intervening. You know that. Yeah.

Hey.

We sold the leotard.

You're kidding me. Uh-uh.

Who would want to buy a Mary Lou Retton leotard?

Evidently mlrgold84@aol.com.

I got Mary Lou Retton's e-mail.

Nice. Send her a picture of me sticking a landing.

Yeah.

I'm so sorry about Lyssa.

Yeah. I just decided to let her go.

I mean, Brendo's worth fighting for,

but Lyssa and I just grew apart.

Oh, hey, how was the picnic last night?

I asked Lance to Italy.

No way!

Oh, my God.

Wait. What happened to Saugatuck?

I don't know. I just got caught up.

It was a perfect mix of wine, starlight and jazz harp.

What mix is that? Wine. Mostly wine.

Okay, I want to remind you all

that Brendan may not want to be helped,

but this must happen for his own good.

For his own good.

Yo. What up, y'alls?

Dr. Brendo's drinking sake tonight.

Someone's gonna have to pour it for me,

'cause, you know, it's bad luck to pour your...

What's going on?

Brendan, please come over and take a seat.

Why? What is this?

Brendan, we all love you.

We just wanna talk to you.

Brendan, your friends are all here tonight to support you.

They care about you and want you to know

that lately they have noticed...

Dude, you've been acting like a total douchebag.

Total douchebag!

Okay. All right. Let's remain calm. This is for Brendan.

Now, they've each written you a letter. Bobby.

"Dear Brendo, you've been acting like a douche lately.

"When you bail on us at the last minute, it really hurts my feelings.

"And last week, you went all in with a 7-4 offsuit

"and took all my money, and it really sucked."

Thank you, Bobby. That was very brave.

Kenny?

"Dear Brendan, since you got named

"in that sexy Chicago list thing,

"you've been kind of douchey.

"When you tried to get me to buy the new Fergie album,

"it made me feel so lonely.

"I want you to get better.

"P.S. I don't understand your girl jeans."

All right, you know what, guys?

I really don't have time for this, okay?

'Cause I'm supposed to play laser tag

with Jeremy Piven at midnight, so...

See? That's what we're talking about!

Okay.

"Brendan, you screened my call, douchebag.

"You're a really big douche.

"If you were a superhero, you'd be Captain Douchebag.

"Your superpowers would be screening calls

"and the ability to wreck any hang. Douche."

And then I drew a picture of you as Captain Douchebag.

Who's he fighting? That's a giant lizard.

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.

I got Fitzy'd pretty bad. I tried to talk...

What's going on?

Andy, it's the douchebag intervention, remember?

Oh, right.

Kenny, when you act like you're on The Sopranos...

Andy, it's Brendan's intervention.

Sorry.

Brendan, why are you being such a lame-o recently?

Look at you. Look at your hair.

Have some cucumbers.

You know what? This sucks, okay?

I finally start getting some attention, and I gotta deal with this?

You know what?

You guys are all just jealous.

You should feel thankful that I still make time for you.

Douchey von Douchenstein! Really?

Stay calm. Stay calm.

This is all part of the healing.

I don't have to deal with this, okay?

You know what my new friends would think if they knew

I was hanging out with some dad from Hoffman Estates?

Easy, Seacrest.

Okay, that is enough!

Brendan, come on. You are not mean and awful.

Why are you acting like this?

This isn't you.

I mean, come on, man. Look at your belt.

Hey, you know what... Look at it!

Oh, my God. Yes. Exactly.

It's been really rough for us, you know?

We just don't understand what you're trying to prove.

Nothing. I don't know. I just...

I was just sort of going with it, you know. It was fun.

Was it? Was it really fun?

Yeah, a little.

But, you guys, Hams is not that smart.

Wait, your Hams?

Look, Brendan, you're not one of those guys

that cares about clubs and name-dropping.

I mean, you've never been that guy.

And all this fake stuff, I just don't think

it's gonna really make you happy, you know,

and we just wanted to tell you all of this because we want you back.

Wow, was I really that bad?

"C's and vods"? Come on.

"I have arrived. Fall in."

I am so sorry that I blew you off, man,

and I'm so sorry that I screened your phone call. I...

I'm sorry for all of it.

It's okay, Brendan. What matters is you want to change.

I do.

I don't wanna be a douche.

Man, if this is what you guys are saying to my face,

I can only imagine what you were saying behind my back.

Yeah. It was pretty strong.

In success, the challenge is, don't forget where you came from.

It sounds easy,

but sometimes you need help from the people who love you.