Original subtitles

One of the great things about baseball

is that even if your team loses,

they get another chance to win the next day.

Okay.

The same can't always be said about life.

All right, thanks for the call.

What is wrong with me?

Am I like unemployable?

No, Mike. Come on, you're the best.

It's a really tough market right now.

But someone should want to hire me.

I'm educated. I'm highly skilled.

Can you get a raccoon out of a chimney?

'Cause I'll lay down a cool $100 right now.

This thing's as big as a dog.

Sorry I'm late. Hey, Kenny!

Kenny! What's up, buddy?

Hey, Kenny, are you still looking for an extra set of hands

to help you out down at the shop?

Yeah, why?

Dude, why didn't you say anything? I've got hands.

What do you think about hiring Mike?

Oh. Uh...

No. No, no, no. No, no.

Is that somebody's cell phone?

Well, it's not mine

and it's not a Gwen Stefani song, so it's not Mike's.

How about it. I'll give you some.

It's a free ring tone, okay?

I don't know how to change it.

It sounds like it's coming from your computer.

Yeah, it's this stupid video conferencing thing

the paper installed on my computer.

I hate it.

Just answer it. I don't know how.

We got this at home.

Let me call tech support.

Oh, hey, sweetie. It's Daddy.

Yeah, when Nana calls on the computer, how do you...

No, no... Yeah. Just one question.

Okay. Thank you.

She can't talk. She's hooking up the surround sound.

Wait a second. Maybe it's voice-activated.

Hello? Hello?

I think maybe you just click on the little picture thingy.

Yeah, I know. Touch the colon.

It's not working.

What?

Oh!

Hey.

Oh, my God!

Hey.

Oh, my God. Thorn. Hi, it's P.J.

I know. I called you.

That's amazing.

I can see you. Wait.

You're in, like, some crazy desert.

I can see you, too, and you're surrounded by a bunch of guys.

Are you managing a boy band?

Hey, where's the camera on this thing? Hey, guys.

You know what? We'll be over here. It's Indiana Jones.

Yeah, yeah.

Nice meeting you!

Wait! Where are you?

Right now I'm covering Afghanistan.

Or Pakistan, apparently.

It depends on who you ask.

Who is that dude?

Thorn's this dude that she dated after college.

She was crazy into him.

How crazy?

No. Oh, my God, Thorn.

I can't believe you.

Ew.

Yeah. Like that, only 3 octaves higher.

So, listen, P.J., I'm coming in

to Chicago in a couple of days,

and, well, I'd really like to see you.

Yeah? Okay.

I'd love to take you to dinner.

Yeah? Okay.

What is wrong with her?

That's how she acted around Thorn,

for an entire summer.

I mean, we were happy for her, but God!

She acts like that? Yeah, like Mike at a Gwen Stefani concert.

How about it? I'll give you some.

Well, it can't be the biggest...

That's in Palatine.

So, dude, are you gonna hire Mike or what?

I can't just make that decision.

It's an extensive process.

Well, let's do it, man. Let's get it going.

Okay, all right.

Have you had any previous retail sales experience?

Wait a minute. Are you seriously interviewing me for this job?

Dude, you've known me for five years.

The Gap.

And for how long?

I don't know. How long is Christmas break?

Any references?

Yeah.

You're not gonna get a good reference from me.

You stiffed me on the raccoon job.

I'll vouch for you.

Although, to be honest, I'm not entirely sure what your last name is.

Please. Oh, come on. That summer, every time I called you to hang out,

you were off having some rooftop picnic or something,

just the two of you.

Were we? With Thorn, that computer guy?

Look at you. It's upsetting me.

Oh, come on.

She can't help acting like an idiot.

Thorn's the love of her life.

No, we had a great summer.

Hey, P.J., I got a question for you.

If you and Thorn had such a great summer together,

why did you break up?

We didn't, really.

The summer ended, you know? I got this internship,

and he went off to work for CNN,

so we just went our separate ways.

Yeah, so no official breakup, things just left hanging,

that's an open-ender.

No. Open-enders are for tacky people

who wanna keep hooking up without paying for dinner.

No. That's friends with benefits.

And it's a beautiful thing.

So, if he hadn't moved away, would you guys still be dating?

I don't know. It was seven years ago.

Maybe. Total open-ender.

That's an open-ender.

That's an open-ender.

No, it's not an open-ender.

And they're going out for dinner tomorrow night.

Which is such a big move.

I mean, he's coming back for a second chance,

and you're gonna get back together with him.

No, we are not.

I mean, so much has changed.

Look, I only saw him from the waist up.

For all I know, he wears a fanny pack.

It's a safe place to keep money.

Hey, this is kind of embarrassing.

Don't look. Yeah?

But this girl over there is totally flirting with me.

Don't look. Don't look. Don't look.

Uh, dude, she's flirting with me.

What?

Well, that's one conversation I don't have to have.

You shouldn't flirt with her.

Yeah. I'm gonna be right back.

Wait, wait. What about Colleen, your girlfriend?

What about her, Mom?

You know, something about Brendan's changed.

Ever since he was named one of Chicago's sexiest bachelors,

he's become more...

Confident? No.

Cocky. No.

Douchey? Yeah. He's a little douchey.

You know what? He is.

And we avoid those people.

We don't go into their bars, and they don't come into ours.

I don't know, that sounds kind of douchist.

All right, guys. It's not that bad.

Let's give him a break.

All right, but if he asks to hug anything out,

I'm gonna tell all the kids down at Urban Outfitters how old he is.

Hey, maybe they're hiring.

Well, they're not,

but thanks for reopening that wound.

Kenny, come on.

Okay, all right.

You can come to work at the store.

Really? Yeah. You can start tomorrow.

Tomorrow's not good for me. You're already fired.

I'll be there at 8:00.

It's a pretty simple database, really.

All the cards and collectibles are indexed by sport, team, and year.

So, let's say you want a 1962 Mel Roach.

Why would I do that?

Well, you wouldn't, but a customer might.

Who would want a 1962 Mel Roach other than Mel Roach?

Are you paying attention? Yeah, I got it.

Now, where would one find a 2007 breakfast burrito?

Okay, I gotta hit a garage sale in Winnetka.

You got any questions?

You didn't answer the burrito one.

Shortest duration between decision and regret in all my life.

I doubt that. Remember tequila bong?

Okay, I'll be back in a couple of hours.

All right. Hey, if I wanted to take a nap...

You know what? I'll figure it out myself.

I guess I thought debt counseling

would be more like driver's ed,

you know, where you ignore the film strips that they show,

and sleep through a couple of lectures, and then be on your way.

Wow. That just cleared up so much about your driving.

But this guy, Lance, it's like he enjoys torturing me.

Lance? My fiscal fitness coach.

He calls it "debt relief." I call it "eating in without cable."

Well, stick with it.

I'm sure it's gonna get better.

Hey,

Thorn said that this restaurant calls for smart casual.

That's code for "wear a shawl," right?

No. No, no. You have to change.

Why, what's wrong with it? Peej.

This is a chance for a storybook ending.

We're talking about Thorn.

You need to be the total package tonight,

so when you walk into that restaurant, his jaw hits the floor.

Stephanie, no one's jaw is gonna hit the floor.

Okay, my jaw hit the floor.

But at least I'm not drooling.

So I quit. I just couldn't do it anymore.

I know how important being a journalist is,

but after seeing all that pain and suffering...

I don't know how you did any of it.

An engine backfiring would've sent me running scared.

I'm not so sure about that.

Don't you remember the 4th of July?

On the boat on Lake Michigan.

We were so close to the fireworks,

I thought I was gonna go deaf.

You wanted to be close to the action.

Well, not anymore.

My days of being smuggled across borders

by Pashtun tribesmen are behind me now.

I'm serious about settling down.

I just bought a house in Seattle.

Really?

May I take your plates?

Yes, please. Thank you. Yeah. yeah.

Do you remember what we did after the fireworks

when we got stuck in all that traffic?

Why did we drive?

And you had that Belle and Sebastian song stuck in your head.

The Wrong Girl. And you kept humming it badly.

Hey, you put it on that mixed tape for me.

It was right between the Fountains of Wayne song...

And a Flaming Lips song.

And the Flaming Lips song.

I can't believe you remember that.

I was going through some stuff the other day,

and I found this.

Oh, my...

I thought I lost this.

I figured you might want it back.

That is really sweet.

Now, if I just had a tape player.

Stop.

This is amazing. It's like we just picked up where we left off.

It's amazing.

Um... This you?

Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

Good night. Good night.

I'll call you before I leave town.

Okay.

What... What... What...

Hey, buddy, what's going on?

What did you do to my shop?

Organized.

I don't know what system you were using,

but finally I can find things.

But I simply asked you to open the shop.

Kenny, come on, in the state it's in now?

It says "closed." Read the sign, sports nerd.

Look what I found. Oh...

Give it to me. I'm gonna smash your head in.

No, don't!

So, Thorn, the open-ender?

Still open. It is so open.

It's like "I'm alone in the end zone, no one within 20 yards" open.

See, I'm so happy for you,

I don't even mind that you just used another sports analogy.

And it's so crazy that Thorn could be the guy

that you end up taking to Italy.

You know, I always wondered, like, what would it have been like

if I had followed him after college,

or if he had stayed here, and...

I'm happy I'm getting to answer those questions, you know?

Oh, I'm so happy for you two.

What are you doing?

It's Lance. I have to brew my own coffee at home now.

Such a hard ass.

That's his job.

Yeah, but does he have to be so strict?

I tried to loosen him up by buying him a silver pen and pencil set.

That did not go well.

Bobby, we have a problem with Mike.

What kind of problem?

A "you have to fire Mike" problem.

Why would I fire Mike?

Why would Bobby fire Mike?

You have to. You made me hire him.

Look, I'm very particular about the way I do things at the shop, okay?

And Mike's got a lot of ideas.

Dude, ideas are good.

Light bulbs, liberty, beer!

These things all started as ideas. Yeah, come on.

He's just excited he has a place to go during the day.

He'll calm down.

Kenny, I got an idea to revolutionize your business

and bring it into the 21st century. Bang.

He's gone. Kenny.

Okay, here's my idea.

We get into ticket brokering.

I have connections all over town,

so I can get great seats for face value and crappy seats for free.

Plus, by selling tickets out of the store,

we increase foot traffic. What do you think?

It's no liberty. Kenny!

Those guys make a ton of money.

Yeah, we can be those guys, Kenny.

You know what? It's not a bad idea.

We should sit down and talk about it.

Great! Great.

Hey, so you think he liked it?

It's a good idea.

Good, 'cause I got another idea.

We get a van, we call it the Memorabilia Mobile.

We go to junior highs, summer camps, old folks' homes...

Pace yourself, buddy. One idea at a time, okay?

What?

That's Colleen again, isn't it?

Man, she calls a lot. It's kind of irritating.

Admit it. You're dodging her calls.

No, no.

Dude, it's a classic. You're dodging her calls

as a way to break up with her.

That's ridiculous. I don't have to break up with her

since we're only just seeing each other anyway.

Well, that makes sense.

Dude, you got to break up with her.

Absolutely.

Especially if you had the DTR.

The DTR?

Yeah, the "define the relationship" talk. You know,

"Is it cool if I leave my stuff over at your place?"

"What do we call each other?" You know.

Well, then I'm in the clear.

How long have you guys been dating?

Couple of months.

That's a common-law relationship.

Dude, there is no such thing as a common-law relationship.

Well, not in this state.

But just you try and pull that crap in Indiana. Nope.

So, what, I have to officially break up with her?

Yes. Maybe not face to face,

but you at least owe her a call.

Could he get away with a text message? Hmm...

That's how Julie dumped me.

Dude, that's just sad.

If you're gonna make up an imaginary girlfriend, at least dump her.

Don't let her dump you. All right, okay, wait.

I'll make it really simple, okay?

Have you seen her naked?

Well, yeah.

Okay, then you gotta break up with her face to face.

Hey, Kenny, did you ever see Julie naked?

'Cause if I had an imaginary girlfriend, she'd always be naked.

It's Thorn.

Hey, Thorn!

During the course of a season,

a new day often means a second chance

to do what you couldn't the day before,

a chance to make up for the mistakes of the past.

You still have time for a quick bite?

Yeah, would you mind if we sat down for a second, though?

I wanna tell you something.

No.

I wanted to tell you this the other night,

but I got so swept up in seeing you again...

Me, too.

And you're just so great.

But I'm just gonna say this. I'm engaged.

To another person?

But then, all it takes is a bad start

and things are seemingly over before they even began.

I admit I was reluctant at first,

but this ticket brokering idea...

I mean, it's fantastic.

Mike crunched the numbers.

I can totally afford it.

The best part, I don't have to do a thing.

So he's a genius.

Yeah, even a blind squirrel finds a nut from time to time.

There he is. Let me buy my partner a drink.

Coming right up.

Mr. Moritorri,

I'm here to negotiate on behalf of my client,

Mike Callahan,

regarding his percentage of your store's ticket brokering.

Percentage? You haven't even worked a full week yet.

I've talked to my client,

and we think we can reach a settlement everyone can be happy with.

So do I. Bobby, fire Mike.

Wait, hold on, hold on.

Andy, will you excuse us one moment?

Recess.

Dude, you just said yourself that Mike had a great idea.

I know, but I got...

Is it time?

Memorabilia Mobile.

Wow.

Right. I screwed up.

I should've just told you

about the engagement from the beginning.

I'm so sorry.

Okay, but, Thorn, um,

if you're engaged, why did you need to see me?

Well...

This isn't my proudest moment,

but I thought if I saw you again

and I was still in love with my fiancee,

then I'd know I was doing the right thing by marrying her.

Okay.

That summer we spent together, that was so special.

And we left things so unfinished,

I was afraid I was still in love with you.

But you're not.

I'm engaged... Yeah.

...to another person. Person.

Right. Right.

So... So...

Wow.

You really know how to make a girl feel special, don't you?

P.J., honestly,

you are kinder and more beautiful than even I remember.

And coming here and having to tell you

is the hardest thing I've ever had to do,

and I've survived helicopter crashes, and being shot,

an international flight seated next to Ann Coulter.

So...

What can I say?

I mean, that was the best summer of my life, you know?

Nothing's gonna take that away.

For me, too.

Okay.

And I'll think of you every time I hear

that Belle and Sebastian song.

The Wrong Girl?

The Wrong Girl, right. Wow. Yeah, thanks.

That was...

So... So...

Getting dumped, you really work up a thirst.

How about a drink, huh?

Be my guest. Wow. Yeah.

How about another one? Yeah.

All right, gentlemen, let's have a fair negotiation,

everything in good faith.

Let's shake hands.

Since it was Mike's idea, we think it's only fair

he should receive 100% of the ticket brokering revenue.

What?

Trust me. You gotta start high.

It's my store. 50-50.

90-10.

50-50.

80-20. 50-50.

70-30.

50-50.

50-50.

Fine, 50-50.

I got you 50-50. What do you think?

On the bright side, you don't have to move to Seattle.

Yeah, it rains all the time and the Mariners are horrible.

Totally. Flannels, Pearl Jam, guys throwing fish, that's not for you.

No, it's fine, you guys.

I guess just seeing him made me realize that since that summer,

I haven't really had a relationship like that, you know?

I've never had a relationship like that, ever.

And you probably won't.

All right. Well, I gotta go. Where you off to?

I have a meeting with fiscal-fitness Lance.

A meeting at 8:00 at night?

We're having dinner at this tapas place, Emilio's.

What, you're having dinner?

I thought you hated Lance.

I did. I mean, I don't understand it. He makes me so mad,

and yet I am so unbelievably attracted to him.

Careful, lady. That's a bullet train to Hoffman Estates.

Bye!

Emilio's is great.

Colleen and I ate there the other night.

Wait a second, I thought you were gonna break up with her?

Well, I was, but you know, we talked, worked things out.

Hi. Hey, there you are.

Did Colleen do something different with her hair?

That's not Colleen.

Dude, wait. I thought you talked to Colleen?

Oh, I did. Just not about Melanie.

Ew!

Douchey, right? Yeah.

Ooh. She's got a friend.