Original subtitles

In sports, it's easy when a player goes pro,

to lose sight of his love of the game

and get caught up in the money, the fame.

You know, the trappings.

My brother Andy kind of has the opposite problem.

Solid, right? Guess how much it cost?

Go ahead. Guess. I don't know. 20 bucks?

Guess again. I don't want...

Eight. Andy. You're a lawyer, okay?

Maybe you treat yourself to a nice bag?

Not one from a guy working off a sheet under the L.

Hey, Manny's bags are cheaper and just as good.

Unless you get 'em wet and need 'em to open all the time.

An honest day, people.

What's up with the pajamas?

Not pajamas. Yoga pants.

I just got back from my yoga class in Lake Forest.

There's got to be, like, a billion yoga classes

closer than Lake Forest.

Yeah, but the lonely, rich, beautiful Lake Forest women

are digging Mike-Mike.

It is ass soup out there, and I'm the ladle.

Well, watch your step, my friend.

If there's one thing I learned about

being a sexy Chicago bachelor,

it's that a lot of those hot, rich women have hubbies.

Hubbies do not appreciate single guys hitting on their wives.

Please. I can handle jealous husbands.

I've been doing yoga. Warrior II.

Scary, huh? Yeah.

But not in the way you think.

It's a beautiful place. Great wine.

Big salad bar.

They bring by these huge skewers loaded with meat,

and they, like, slice it right onto your plate.

I mean, it's fantastic.

Ah, Medieval Times in Schaumburg.

I know it well.

No, not that place.

I'm talking about Chuhascaria.

It's a Brazilian barbecue in the Gold Coast.

Much classier than Medieval Times.

Oh? Do they offer a bottomless flagon of Pepsi?

Hey, since when are you into Brazilian food?

It's Julie's favorite restaurant.

Yeah, you know, you've been talking about this Julie girl for a while.

Anyone met her? Not me.

No. Negative.

What's up with that? Yeah, what are you? Embarrassed by her?

Hey, you know, in Kenny's defense,

it can be a little intimidating

to bring a girl around us for the first time.

Thank you, Brendan.

Especially if she doesn't exist.

Now, Julie exists, okay?

She's smart. She's sweet. She's funny,

and no offense to pregnant Kimmie,

but it's nice dating a girl that isn't renting out her uterus.

All right. So when do we meet her?

Tomorrow. We can all go to Chuhascaria.

I'll give it a shot. I'm in.

You know what? I can't make it. I told my roommate Jeff

I'd help him paint his room. Yeah, dude.

I don't know if I can make it either, man.

Chuhascaria? Sounds pretty weird.

It's meat, Mike.

All you can eat sword-loads of meat.

Chuhascaria!

Chuhascaria!

That was good.

Dude, I'm pregnant with a meat baby.

I am just saying. You set this whole thing up

so she can meet your friends and she doesn't show up?

Come on. It's a little suspicious.

It's not. Julie's a lawyer.

She had to work late.

Andy's a lawyer. He doesn't work late.

Yeah, but I'm not a very good lawyer.

I have to remember this place.

The salad was yummy.

"The salad was yummy." Is there a problem?

It's all-you-can-eat!

You don't waste space with salad and bread.

You eat the meat to beat the house!

I should have warned you, Steph.

When Mike eats a lot of red meat,

he gets this crazy, belligerent energy about him.

What in blazes are you talking about?

Okay. Who's ready for a nightcap?

I am.

I think Steph and I are gonna opt out.

You guys have fun, all right?

Okay. Hang on.

You guys want some protection?

Maybe we should walk them to the car.

It's the Gold Coast, dude.

What's gonna happen? A bag of money falls on our head?

Have a good night, guys. Night.

Sorry, poopy.

Hey, if you guys run into any problems, just yell.

We'll yell something back.

Is there any decent bars in this neighborhood?

Hey, you know, we could go to Plush.

I was there the other night.

A couple of cute little kitty cats

recognized me from the bachelor article.

When did you become Burt Reynolds?

Yeah, and stop winking. Let's go. I like to wink.

What's with the toothpick? I can get away with it.

Let's go! Drinky!

All right. I love that.

All right, if you could only have one type of meat

for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Oh! Pizza. Oh, that's a good one.

I would say beef, 'cause you can have it so many different ways.

Bobby?

What are you doing in this part of town?

Hey, guys! Um...

Not much. We were just at this event thing.

Sorry. This is my buddy John.

That's, Mike... Nice to meet you.

...Kenny, Brendan, Andy.

Oh, hey. Oh, are you the Mike who used to work in the Cubs' front office?

Yeah. Yeah, Bobby told me about you.

My brother is Clark.

Your brother is awesome!

I love that bastard!

Sorry. We just ate meat.

How is Clark? He's great, yeah.

He speaks very highly of you.

Nah.

So, where are you guys headed?

Um...

Well, we were gonna grab a drink at Bobby's.

You guys should come up, yeah?

You live here?

No.

Mr. Newman, are you coming in?

Or... Or, or, or, or...

There is a great bar right down the...

Come on. We've never seen your place.

Bet there's free booze in there, huh?

Yes! Booze! Tasty! Yum! Now! Go!

Okay.

I'm just saying, what woman have you ever known

whose favorite food is all-you-can-eat, you know?

Mmm-hmm. I seriously think Kenny made Julie up.

Oh, of course he did.

What real woman would ever date Kenny?

Oh, come on!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. They're towing your car.

Hey! Hey! Put my car down!

No! No, no, no! Excuse me, excuse me.

Wait! Wait! Wait!

I don't have that many tickets.

Yeah, she's totally parked legally.

I think.

"Two hour parking on Monday through 6:00 p.m. on Saturday,

"except for permit 'B.'

"Strictly no parking, 9:00 a.m. to noon..."

It's 12:30 on Saturday!

I'm totally parked legally.

She's totally parked legally.

The car's not being towed for tickets. It's being repossessed.

Everything all right, Bobby?

You look a little nervous.

Oh, no, no. I'm fine.

It's just, you know, promise me that what you're about to see

won't change your opinion of me.

Don't sweat it, buddy.

Your place can't possibly be messier than mine.

Hey. It might have furniture.

I doubt that. Hey, man. Don't worry, okay?

We'd never judge you. We don't care if you're rich or...

Really rich.

Oh, my God. Are you joking me?

Look at this... Oh, my God!

You live in a museum?

What the hell is going on?

Look at that view.

Yeah. It's missing one guy, but...

Yeah.

Nice!

Yeah. Thanks, man.

See, I hit a buoy out there once.

That's awesome!

Here. All right.

Trick here is to thread it between that building and that building.

Little drop. I can do that.

Low and slow. Here we go, here we go.

Uh-oh.

Damn!

Shanked off the Hancock.

Yeah. Let's pack it up.

Okay. Yeah. Okay. We're done.

Okay. We're done.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable!

Either you have an amazing real estate agent,

or I'm seriously misinformed about what reporters make.

Well, I get a bit of a deal.

My grandfather owns the apartment, so...

Dudes, have you seen the bathroom?

It's gigantic.

It's got one of those full-on marble urinals, the big kind.

It's okay if I pee in it, right?

Knock yourself out, man.

Dude, sweet pad, man.

You should put some Cubs posters up.

You know, class it up a bit.

Is that an original Cezanne?

Yeah, I think so. Good eye, Kenny.

I read the name.

Hey, why do you have a picture

of President Carter kissing a baby?

Seriously?

Dude, who are you?

I'm nobody. I'm nobody.

The apartment has been in the family for a really long time.

You have a picture with a president.

Okay, okay.

Well, we kind of own the whole building.

And a bunch of other buildings, too.

Wait. There's a Newman Medical Center in Rogers Park.

That's you?

Dude, your family's loaded.

When were you going to tell us?

I don't know. When do you tell people that kind of stuff?

The very second you meet. "Hi, I'm Bobby.

"Please don't be put off by my fabulous wealth."

I think I went to college on a Newman grant.

Thanks.

That urinal is seriously, like, six feet tall.

I couldn't go. It's too intimidating.

All right, urinal.

Let's see what you got.

Challenge.

Why is he going?

How come no one at the bank is answering the phone?

Well, it's 2:00 a.m. Maybe they're at lunch?

Oh, my God!

Stephanie, sweetie, I'm sure it's a mistake, okay?

It's no mistake.

I'm overdrawn. I'm in debt. Oh.

Well, maybe I can help you out.

I can lend you a little money.

Yeah? Really? Yeah.

Could you lend me $5,000?

You're $5,000 in debt?

No! How in debt are you?

I don't know if I should tell you.

You freaked out at $5,000.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'll be cool, okay?

I won't freak out.

I'm $22,000 in debt.

Oh, my God!

Stephanie! Hey, you don't get to freak out, okay?

I'm the one with the problem.

Oh, my God!

P.J., I don't know what I'm going to do.

Okay. Okay, okay.

Okay, listen.

After college, right, I had some financial problems, too.

You know, it's a long story, and I won't trouble you with it.

But the point is, I worked my way out of it and I know you can, too.

Wow. I never knew. Oh, yeah.

So, you were in the same boat?

And I paddled my way out.

And tomorrow, I'll introduce you to my captain.

He's amazing at being frugal.

He will totally turn your boat around.

Andy?

He's a life raft.

Okay, you have to stop that.

That shavasana was great.

I could feel the toxins just melting off me.

I gotta be honest. That last set of asanas kicked my ass.

There's my husband Gary.

Hey, sweetie.

This is Mike, my yoga buddy I've been telling you about.

Oh! This is Mike? Yeah.

Hey! Thank God.

It's just that I keep hearing about "Mike from yoga class,"

and I was worried you were some young, hot guy, you know,

who just comes to pick up the girls.

Whoa, was I way off.

Anyhoo, someone just bought another mall today.

Are you kidding me? Yeah, right here.

Hey! Who wants to come celebrate? Huh?

Nah, I'm good.

You sure? I gotta go.

Catch my bus or I'll miss my train.

His family is incredibly wealthy.

Richer than God.

You should see his apartment.

It's huge. It's got a sick view.

Oh! Don't even get me started on that urinal.

Hey. You all right, buddy?

Dark days. I was at yoga class

and this girl's husband showed up.

Did you roll out your mat and outstretch him?

Dude, it's not funny!

This dude thought I was a joke.

I never felt more emasculated in my life.

I've finally been exposed for what I am.

An unemployed chump who hangs around married women in his pajamas.

Yoga pants.

Pajamas!

I got a matching top. I gotta get a job.

Hey, guys. Hey!

Hey, moneybags.

Well, well, well.

I take it you heard? Yep.

So, how long you gonna grin and stare at me?

For a little bit. Me, too.

But when I look at you, all I think about is your urinal.

You know, for a small donation,

we could name the baseball team

the Bobby Newmans instead of Steve's Collision.

I'm just saying.

Hey, leave him alone.

I wouldn't know, but I'm sure being rich

comes with its own set of problems.

Oh, yes.

Do I want to drive the red Rolls or the blue Bentley today?

It's so difficult to find a decent helicopter pilot.

Oh, yes.

You guys, believe me,

I often wish my family didn't have all this money, okay?

Money just screws people up.

My dad? He never held a job, he never had a long-term relationship,

he's been in and out of rehab...

I mean, he's a smart guy,

but access and entitlement completely stunted him.

Did you have a butler growing up?

I always thought it would be cool to have a butler.

Like Arthur, where he takes care of you when you're drunk.

Like Alfred for Batman. That would be really cool. He was smart.

What's Robin Leach like? Is he like...

You guys, as much fun as this is, Jeff is locked out.

I gotta go.

I'll catch you later.

Hey, guys, if Bobby's so rich, why does he have a roommate?

Did any of you guys meet Jeff the other night?

Nay. Negative.

Not I.

But we've never met Julie either, so...

Funny. You know, I scoured that place.

Bobby lives alone.

You think he made him up?

Rich people are bonkers.

Meredith.

Andy?

Sorry. Habit.

Okay, Stephanie, you're in debt.

It's bad, but we can fix it.

The first step is we have to get you

in touch with a debt counselor.

His name is Lance and he's great.

He got Meredith back on track and saved our marriage,

which, in retrospect, may have been an opportunity missed.

We also have to make sure you don't accrue any more debt.

You know how we do this?

Cut up my credit cards? Yeah.

Oh! I bought a new pair just for the occasion.

Tough crowd.

Okay.

No more shopping.

No more magazine subscriptions.

No more cable TV. No trip to Italy.

What? No!

Believe it or not, that's not helping.

Andy,

let's just put a pin in Italy

and Stephanie and I will deal with that one later, okay?

Fine. Pin in Italy, 'cause here's a big one.

You have to give up this apartment. What?

The rent is way too high. You can't afford it.

You don't need it.

You don't know what I need.

I know you don't need 50 pairs of shoes.

Weekly manicures? A $40,000 car?

I know you don't need to spend $300 on a pair of jeans.

And no, I'm not gonna spend 2,000 bucks on a Labradoodle, Meredith.

Okay, okay, okay. Here's one.

"Cozy studio apartment in quaint garden setting."

"Cozy" and "quaint"?

That means tiny, damp and an old lady died here.

I was thinking more along the lines of this.

Yeah, okay. See, that means big

and expensive and you can't afford that.

Stephanie, why do you need two bedrooms?

We return from Italy,

me and my mystery man are madly in love,

he moves into my apartment,

we convert the second bedroom into an office

and launch a business importing designer candies and chocolates.

So, what if none of that works out?

Don't "what if" my life away. I'm 28.

The plan is to be married by the time that I'm 30.

And as far as career goes, I'm this close to being senior editor.

And you know what? If all those things work out, that's great.

I'm just saying...

Why not appreciate what you have right now, huh?

You know? I mean, it is okay to live in an affordable apartment.

We're not even 30, and we have time to have the rest of our life.

Yeah, but don't you want to know how it turns out?

No, I don't.

You know, I'm having a blast right now.

You're a big part of that blastiness.

Well, I want you to remember that

when we're eating ramen noodles and taking the bus.

In baseball, you recognize that it's not about

the next game or even the next inning.

It's about the moment.

Because every pitch, every outfielder's adjustment has meaning.

Hell, that's why the game is so fun.

Hey, guys. Nobody make plans for Sunday, okay?

We're helping Stephanie move.

Oh, I'd love to, but I'll be having a bad back on Sunday.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Bobby.

We're helping Stephanie move on Sunday, okay?

Yeah. Cool. I'm in. Great.

Maybe you can invite your roommate Jeff.

Um...

Yeah, I could ask.

All right, I'm just gonna come right out and say it.

The guys and I were talking.

Jeff doesn't add up.

What do you mean? Dude, we know that Jeff doesn't exist.

And don't take this the wrong way, but you're super-crazy.

Yeah, man. Making somebody up,

I mean, that's pretty out there.

And he should know.

Julie exists!

So does Santa. All right, guys. Come on. Bobby.

You guys, I'm sorry. I know this seems strange,

but I had to hide the fact that I was rich and Jeff helped me do that.

Um, I don't understand.

Why did you need to hide that?

Because people act strange when they know you're rich.

They treat you differently.

And it's hard to tell whether somebody likes you

or they like your money.

Come on, man. That's ridiculous.

I'm back!

And I got a plan to get me out of unemployment

and back into the work force.

I brought some wings from Chili's to help us celebrate.

Oh, great. More meat.

Speaking of wings, airplanes.

Speaking of airplanes, money.

Speaking of money, Bobby.

What?

My cousin told me about this business proposition,

and evidently, it can't lose.

You ready? You give me $5,000 and we buy a plane.

It'll have four passengers, two flight attendants, and one pilot.

All we gotta do is sell the seats.

Once we sell... Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're buying an airplane?

It's not a real plane. It's a metaphor plane.

Once we sell four seats, we become flight attendants.

You're worried about being emasculated

and you're going to become a flight attendant?

Who soon will be a pilot.

I don't think I want to be on any plane you're piloting.

It's not an actual plane. Still.

I'd buy a seat on your plane.

Thank you, Andy. Can I have some tomato juice and a pillow?

Mike, I'm not interested in a pyramid scheme.

It's not a pyramid scheme. Wait. Is it?

Oh.

You see? This is exactly what I'm talking about.

I don't have any money.

It's my family's money.

And when I got out of college,

I decided that I was only going to live off of

what I earned, and I do that.

Except for your apartment.

Well, it was empty.

And it's free.

And it's close to the L.

And I do pay for cable. The point is, I don't want my family's money

because all it seems to have done is screw them up,

and I didn't want you guys to know about the money

because it seems to screw my friendships up, too.

Okay? So, that's why I left the other night,

and that is why I made up Jeff.

Hang on. That time that you left the Cubs game early

'cause Jeff was in an accident...

I had a Newman Foundation meeting.

And that time you wouldn't let me crash at your place

'cause Jeff's cousin was in town? I'm sorry, dude.

I didn't want you to see my place.

And the time I invited you to Savannah's play?

I didn't want to go.

I respect that.

It wasn't bad.

She really came up that second night.

How about this. How about you tell us

one "being rich is awesome" story,

and I promise we'll never tease you about being rich again.

Really? One awesome, rich-guy story?

Yeah.

Um...

Okay. My 16th birthday.

Bowling party at the White House

with the Clintons.

I made out with Chelsea.

Seal sang me Happy Birthday and I got a Porsche.

What?

Oh, my God!

Wow!

Guys. Wait a minute.

You're lying.

In baseball, it's refreshing when a player who's making millions

shuns all of the trappings and plays purely for the love of the game.

Wait, that was 26.

That was 26.

Now it's kind of a thing...

How come I gotta go backwards?

Lift. Lift.

Come on. All right, guys, that's the last of it, I think.

So small.

It's cozy, okay?

And more importantly, it's affordable.

Did I just spot Mr. Seat 32B, direct to Milan?

How great can he be?

He lives in this building.

Stop!

Hey, by the way,

you said after college you got into some debt, right?

Oh, yeah. You don't even want to know.

Yes, I do.

Um...

Seven. Thousand?

No.

Hundred? Yeah.

We weren't in the same boat!

I played with your boat in my boat's bathtub.

Well, it freaked me out.

I come from a very frugal family.

Yeah, well, when we go to Italy,

I'm gonna make you buy a $700 purse.

Well, it was a little tight, but we fit it all in there.

Thank you, guys, so much.

Oh, hey. I was gonna order some pizza

while you start unpacking the boxes.

Wait.

Bobby, didn't you say your roommate Jeff had that thing?

Uh... Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

He's moving to Buenos Aires.

So, we're having a "farewell to Jeff" party tonight.

I told him you guys were coming.

Affirmative.

Gotta go.

Absolutely.

Peej, are you going?

Yeah.

I can help you for a little while, but, I mean, it's Jeff.

How can you say no to Jeff?

You can't say no to Jeff!

Nice kid.