Original subtitles

I think that we all, as human beings,

try as best as we can, if given the choice,

most of the time, or at least sometimes,

to be, if possible, ethical.

You know, we'd save enough energy to light more than 2.5 million homes

if we all just used one of those

energy-efficient light bulb things.

You mean the six of us?

No, I meant everyone in America.

I don't know everyone in America.

So much for that plan.

Hey, Peej.

Hi, guys!

Hey, what's up, Steph?

Kenny.

What are you doing here? It's poker night.

Believe me, I try to avoid you on all nights, but I came bearing news.

Check out who my magazine chose

as one of Chicago's 50 sexiest bachelors.

It's really... It's not that big a deal, okay?

Come on. Why didn't you tell us about this?

It's embarrassing.

Well, I won't fight you there.

But come on, this is awesome.

It is, and he should be honored.

And did I mention there's free booze?

Yeah, Thursay, Aubrey Whiskey

is throwing a promo party at the Panda Bar.

Sweet. Oh, we are totally going.

Oh, there'll be a ton of women there hoping to glom on

to one of the sexy bachelors.

But we're not one of them.

Nope, but we know one.

So, we hover around Brendo all night, and when the moment's right,

bang. Bang.

We swoop in to snag his drunken cast-offs.

"Daddy, how did you meet Mommy?"

"Well, dear, Mommy was a drunken cast-off."

Yeah, see, she wanted to go home with Uncle Brendo that night,

but Daddy was in the right place at the right time.

Daddy, do you think I can be a drunken cast-off some day?

Dare to dream, sweetie. Good night.

Every job has its own set of ethics.

In journalism, your job is to report the facts,

just get the story,

and above all, don't insert yourself in the story.

Dougan. Welcome to the Cubs.

Let's talk about your big first start tomorrow, huh?

P.J. Franklin, Sun-Times.

I know who you are.

Really? Yeah. Press conference at spring training,

you asked me why I had no control of my fastball.

Sorry. It's going to come up when you hit six batters in three innings.

Flattered you remember, though.

Well, you're hard to miss in a clubhouse.

Thanks.

So are you, even though you're wearing the same thing

everyone else is.

Well, that's why we're all numbered.

Anyway, hi.

Bobby Newman from the Tribune.

Yeah. I'm a reporter, too.

Well, nice to meet you, Bob.

So, P.J., did you want to maybe ask some questions or something?

I don't know, I just figured,

since we're here... Questions, yes. Of course.

So, what do you like most about being a Cub so far?

Playing at Wrigley. I mean, I just feel pitching off that mound

makes me feel stronger.

Yeah, you seem stronger,

more sure of yourself.

Are you flattering me now?

Because I'd be flattered if you were.

Are you saying you'd be flattered to be flattered by me?

That's flattering.

Well, that almost seemed like an interview.

Damn, I have to go. I have to do a meet-and-greet

with a few of the owner's friends.

Hey, which tie goes better with over-scrutinization?

Wow. You just pulled out, like, a seven-syllable word.

Yeah, but it was hyphenated, and I think I made it up.

Point made. You better go with the stripes.

You're a little disappointed, aren't you, about the made-up word?

Uh... A little.

What? Just the whole thing.

So, these are Chicago's sexiest bachelors? Yeah.

You know, Bobby, you're actually as hot as these guys.

You should be on this list.

Well, I'm not, so, you know...

Mike's right, you got these guys hands down.

How come you're not on the list?

Um, I don't know.

Well, you should be.

You're a good-looking man.

Okay, thanks, fellas.

Peej!

That's the guy over there,

number 26, Chicago's sexiest union plumber.

Wow, that's...

But plumber, really?

Thought you would have gone for, like, sexiest doctor or attorney.

You know, someone in a higher bracket.

P.J., union plumber.

Oh, hot damn, go get him.

Pointing at Mark Meisinger?

Maybe.

I know him. Went to Y camp with him.

Good guy. Really? So, what do you think?

Could you introduce me to him? No, no, no, no, no.

Why not?

'Cause then I'd have to recommend you and... No, no, no...

Come on, Kenny!

What more of an in do you want?

You work for the damn magazine.

I know, but it's always better to have a personal vouch.

Damn! I gotta go.

Number 13 got his head stuck in his limo's moon roof.

Sexiest brain surgeon, my ass.

Hey, hey!

'Tis true, 'tis Trouty, 'tis Trouty, 'tis true.

What's up, 312? LB's all around. Pound it.

Okay.

Explode it. Drill it.

Hey, buddy. Finesse it.

Never quit. What are you doing here, Trouty?

How do you like me now?

You're number 16?

"Chicago's sexiest party man-boy."

"Trouty appears at every party

"and hip happening in the city,

"and just as a trout changes his colors to match his surroundings,

"Trouty seamlessly fits in the myriad social ponds of Chicago,

"and that, dear readers, is how Trouty got his name."

That's the third version of how Trouty got his name

I've heard in the last year.

Hey, sporting life, what number sexy are you?

I'm not on the list, Trouty.

What? Interrabang?

What happened? Do you photograph puffy?

Were you having a bad hair day?

Although, you do kind of actively pursue that.

I'm fermisht ampersand flummoxed.

Actually, Brendan is on the list, so...

What number sexy are you?

Uh, 37.

Slam.

Oh, man, that's cool. I mean, the important thing

is that you're all up in there swinging.

I guess.

All right, gentlemen, I'll see you over at the free-gift-bag table.

Hey, if any of you don't want your witch hazel,

holler!

Wow, this whole thing seems...

Greatly diminished now?

Yeah, we all felt the shift.

Free whiskey, empty hands. What the hell?

Hi.

Hi.

Wow. What are you doing here?

Number 25.

Cubs' press office at work, I guess.

Not my choice, trust me.

No, seriously, I don't belong in this group.

Sure you do.

Okay, um, Bobby.

He belongs on this list.

I am not on the list, okay? I'm sorry, but evidently,

being sexy is not one of my best qualities, so, everyone, just back off.

Well, um...

I was on my way to the bar.

Would you like to get a drink?

I got a game tomorrow.

But you know what I do want?

Pancakes. I will see if they have them.

Don't bother, already asked. Come on.

Come with me. Oh. Uh...

I'm new in town.

I need someone to show me where to go.

I know I shouldn't insert myself in the story,

but what if that story has striking blue eyes

and a jaw line that can slice cheese?

Wait, so he asked you out for pancakes?

Good move, which I'm stealing.

And you said no?

Dude, I cannot date him, okay? He is a Cub.

All right? That is breaking like a ton

of unwritten journalism rules.

Unwritten rules were meant to be...

written. Then broken.

Written, then broken.

Thanks, Kenny, I got a little lost there.

Dude, she can't and she shouldn't.

She's supposed to report the story, not be in it.

Plus, he's a professional athlete.

I mean, from what I've heard, they're not the most monogamous bunch.

Well, no, no, he doesn't seem like a pig.

I mean, he does seem like a really nice guy.

And let's not forget, he's numerically way hotter than Brendan.

12! He's 12 hotter.

I don't like it.

I don't know. This doesn't end well.

You've actually never met him.

What are you talking about?

I know him. He's on my fantasy team.

He's breaking my heart and he'll break yours, too.

All right, look, there's this black-tie party for the magazine thing

at the SkyView Room this weekend, so I'll chat him up

and see if he's a good guy. Yeah.

Is that the private party?

Yeah, yeah, I was going to blow it off,

but it's the kind of thing that Colleen might dig, so...

Hold it. You're taking your girlfriend

to a party where the hottest, richest women in Chicago

will be throwing themselves at you?

What's wrong with that? Dude, you don't bring sand to the beach.

Look, Mike, I'm dating Colleen, okay?

I want to bring Colleen. I'm fine.

You're a dolt.

This is a totally unique situation.

No one would blame you if you took a little Colleen break.

In fact, I volunteer to be your non-threatening wingman

to help you sort through all the potential ladies.

Don't take Mike. Take me.

I'm even less threatening.

Wow, what a sad competition.

Oh, damn, I gotta go.

I gotta get fitted for my tux.

Hey, hey!

I so knew you'd all be in here, man.

You guys are as predictable as the back of my hand.

What's up, Boo-boo?

Hey, I think I know why you didn't make the list.

You don't have your own personal scent.

Hey, Brendan, wherever you're going,

I'll show you how to get there.

Sure.

Let that soak in.

Man, if I could just get into that party,

I would kick some ass. Charming cocktail conversation,

consuming finger foods, but not too much.

This is my wheelhouse.

Weird, I always thought watching TV

in your underwear was your wheelhouse.

Mike-Mike-bo-bike, you want to come to the party?

Yeah. Done. You, my friend,

are Trouty's plus one.

Really? You're not bringing a date?

Dude, you don't bring Dasani to Niagara Falls.

I like it. Dude!

Hi.

Hey, Steph, what you doing here?

Well, I'm about to disgust myself.

You always do.

Excuse me. Have you met this yet?

Trouty.

It's okay, baby, Daddy's got you.

Steph! Where was I?

Oh, disgusted, that's right.

I wanted to know if you wanted to be my plus one

to the Chicago Magazine party if, but only if, you promise

to introduce me to Mark the plumber.

No. I will not be your pawn. No, ma'am.

I don't like this any more than you do,

but you want to go to that party,

and I have a ticket, so...

Steph, I thought I was your plus one.

I don't like this any more than you do.

Well?

I'm about to disgust myself.

Okay. Great!

Well, if you guys are going, then I'm in.

How? You don't have a ticket.

Well, Bo-bike, here's the deal.

I keep my old wedding tux in my trunk.

If I'm running late to something,

I slip into it and speed like a maniac.

If a cop pulls me over, I say,

"Hey, I'm late for dinner with the mayor,"

or, "I'm hosting a roast of Dennis Farina."

Tips his hat, I'm on my way. The tux is magic.

Hey, I tracked you down.

Hi, Matt.

How did you know I would be here?

I asked around.

Word on the street was this was your regular hang-out.

Predictable.

These are my friends.

Hey, guys. Hey, I'm Mike.

Can I get anyone anything?

How about some more strike-outs?

We're all good, but P.J. is empty.

Done. Be back in a few.

Okay.

Wow.

He is pursuing you actively.

I can't believe he showed up here.

He did research. How cute is that?

Peej, your beer might be heavy.

You should go help him with it.

Oh, come on, that's a little bit obvious, don't you think?

He searched you out and unabashedly

cornered you on your home turf.

Oh, Matt!

Ethics is often the battle between what you want to do

and what you should do.

For instance, a pitcher might want to throw a fastball

at a batter's skull,

but, ethically, he's pretty sure he shouldn't.

Hey, I was wondering...

Do you want to make me really happy and come with me

to this stupid Chicago Magazine party?

Which would make it so much more fun.

Want or should?

And I don't mean to keep calling in this marker,

but you do still owe me some pancakes.

Well, I know how "should" feels, so...

Okay.

...let's try "want."

Hey, Franklin. How's tricks? Hey.

Tricks are fine, Jack. How's things?

Oh, the gout's receding a bit.

Thanks for asking.

Hey, I got a story for you.

The great Jack Brisco is giving a lowly beat writer a story?

Come on, what's the catch?

Oh, it's not a news story, it's a story story.

You know, when you recount something that happened in the past.

All right.

You ever heard of Barb Sikowski?

No.

Well, she was an up-and-coming reporter

trying to move into sports.

You know, and back then, there were no women sportswriters.

Halcyon days, really.

Anyway, you know, she started to date a Cub.

So, the players, the manager, the coaches, the other sportswriters,

they all started looking at her a little differently.

"Hey," you know, "just another baseball floozie."

So, her career plummeted,

and she wound up editing the "Can You Find This?" page

for Highlights Magazine.

So, why are you telling me this?

Well, no reason. Just telling a story.

Just keeping alive the oral tradition.

Good luck, kid.

All right, let's find the S.S. Brendan

and start scraping off the lady barnacles.

Hey, Mike-Sharona,

why are you even wasting your time with number 37,

when you got number 16 on your wing?

I'm 42% more juicy.

Nice math, Trouty.

Illinois All-State Mathlete, 1994.

Good evening. You got in!

The tux worked. The tux always works.

One slight improvement, though.

I've added the clipboard.

Makes me look like I'm in charge of something.

Hey, you! Yes, sir.

Okay, get out of here.

It's going to be a good night.

Hey, hey, number 16 up in this!

Hey! Hello!

Look who's here. Hi!

I'm just going to run her coat over to the coat room.

Oh! I'll be right back.

Thank you.

I thought you weren't going...

But I did, so shut it.

Hey, there's Brendan. Brendo!

Hey, guys.

Congratulations!

Wow. Uh, what are you all doing here?

Well, everyone kind of figured out various ways to get in,

and, ta-da, here we all are.

Hey, where's Colleen? Oh, uh, she, uh...

Hey, there's Bobby. Why is Bobby here?

Oh, hi, guys!

Um...

Hi.

Hold on.

Bobby's here with Brendan.

He's Brendan's plus one.

Oh, my God.

You totally lied about bringing Colleen.

You chose Bobby over all of us?

Excuse me. Hey, guys.

Can we get a few shots?

Sure, absolutely.

Let's do it.

What a douche.

Where the hell is Brendan?

I have a ton of questions for him.

Where the hell is that Mark guy?

I have a ton of... for him.

Please don't.

Maybe he had to go snake a drain.

No, it's a real thing.

Hold it. Hot plumber at 11:00.

Let's do this!

How do I look?

Like someone a plumber would date.

It pains me to spend time with you.

Well, I'm so glad you came out with me.

And none of the guys believed me

when I said we were going out tonight.

Oh, what do you mean, what guys?

You know, Barrett and Dempster and D. Lee.

Oh, you mean, the Cubs.

Well, they were just saying you've turned down everybody,

so I'm touched.

Mmm. Yeah.

Hi, guys.

No one questions a thing.

I got a bus boy putting a case of this

in Meredith's Astro van as we speak.

Sweet.

Hey, Matt,

can I get a pic of you and your girlfriend?

Yeah, sure.

Um, what's this for?

Chicago Magazine.

You're from the Sun-Times, right?

Uh... Yes, but...

Here we go.

Smile.

I know, "sexiest," who's to say?

I mean, it's so hard to put your finger on "sexy."

Oh, I guess it's not.

Hey, there you blow, Mike-a-Schevitz.

Lost you in the field, my apologies.

Gots to dance with the one who brung you.

What's wrong, baby, you can't count?

Number 16!

I spotted Brendo. Come on!

So, we won't take pictures together.

Let's just have a drink and go back to having fun.

No, I can't. I'm so sorry.

I just... I shouldn't have even come here tonight.

It's just, I gotta protect my reputation.

There's so many ethical questions

that come with a reporter dating a player.

P.J., I don't mean to sound too dramatic, but this doesn't happen.

We both met someone we really like, and we're done?

Come on. A job's a job.

Not for me, not this job.

I just...

It has to be just business with you and me.

And it sucks, but that's what it has to be right now.

Well...

What if we just lied to everyone and snuck around in disguises

and spoke with, I don't know, Ukrainian accents?

You know, I did that once.

I so can't do a Ukrainian accent.

Are you sure about this?

Yeah.

Okay.

I get it.

Stupid ethics.

Tell me about it.

I gotta be at the Park tomorrow, so...

Yeah.

See you there.

P.J., we're going to nail Brendan. You in?

Um...

Yeah, okay. What's going on?

You're pissed at Brendo.

Brass knuckles?

Too much.

You okay?

I will be.

Take five, guys.

Where do you think you're going?

Uh... We were just going to...

have a smoke.

I didn't know you smoked.

Hey, let's all join them. Let's all join them and suddenly start smoking.

Yes! I'm in.

All right.

I could blow some trees right now.

Apparently, smoking is sexy.

So, what gives? Yeah, let's start with the lying.

Hey, I didn't lie per se. I just...

That is such an awesome feeling.

I think... I don't...

I might throw up.

Look, it's kind of obvious Brendan wanted a hotter wingman

to make him look good.

Thereby doubling his odds at scoring.

Look, I mean, I just...

Brendan, that's so icky.

And come on, Bobby.

What? He just asked me.

Well, of course he asked you, look at you.

You're adorable.

Those dimples.

That cute little grin.

Can we just stop all of that, please?

Gentlemen, it's not Boo-boo's fault that he's all hot.

Genetics roll their dice, they takes their chances.

Sometimes you walk away from the table

looking like a young Harry Hamlin.

Yeah, and why are we yelling at cute little Bobby

when Brendan blew us off?

Yeah, you're the one that lied!

I think this is my floor. I don't think so.

Going up.

Okay, everyone, I lied.

I'm sorry. And you're right, I was really dumb

and pathetic and weak...

I'm not a chick picker-upper.

I thought your wingman stuff was true, so...

Sorry.

Brendan, that's lame.

I know. Especially since it didn't work.

Thanks to you.

And Brendo, I guess to be fair,

you did take my advice and acted like a douche bag.

And that feels good in here.

So, people do things they shouldn't do,

whether it's for ego, or temptation, or money.

Kenny, why didn't you tell me that Mark has a fiancee?

You never asked.

And quite often, it's for fun.

But when they do the right thing, the ethical thing,

ultimately, it feels good.

Boy, you were still throwing pretty well.

You think Piniella pulled you too soon?

I don't know. I probably could have gone another inning,

but why burn things out this early, right?

Okay, guys, unless there's anything else...

I'm good, thanks.

Or that's what I'm telling myself.

That and, "He's not that cute,"

and, "He probably collects his toenails."

Hey, one more thing about that Barb Sikowski person.

She was an enormous drunk and she had the vocabulary of an eight-year-old.

So, that might have been why her career tanked.

But you never know.

Hey, kid.

Drink?

Several.