Original subtitles

A simple goal for every ballplayer is this:

consistency.

That is, the ability to play the game at a high level

every single day.

To get there, you've got to work your butt off.

Who was that?

The Turk Vardell Show.

I'm going to be a guest this Sunday.

Sweet! Yeah!

Oh, yeah!

Oh, my God, that's huge.

The Turk Vardell Show?

The Turk is a total legend.

The guy carries $1,000 in cash at all times,

dresses in nothing but Hugo Boss,

eats at Charlie Trotter's every night.

Wow, P.J., that is so cool. How did you get that gig?

Well, I just had an interview with him,

and he was just impressed by my extensive knowledge of the Cubs.

No one better. Yeah.

And check this, I could be a regular guest.

I mean, if I do a good job.

No problem! Are you kidding me? It's easy.

Damn it.

Wow, thanks for the support, Bob.

No. No, no, no, no. It's awesome.

It's awesome for you.

It just also means that I didn't get the call.

I had an interview last week, so...

Wait a second, is this going to be your first time on TV?

Yep. And this is just the beginning.

Today, The Turk Vardell Show. Tomorrow, SportsCenter.

For two years. Then, the P.J. Franklin Show.

P.J.!

Oh, man, it could be huge. National.

I mean, come on, you're going to become America's sweetheart.

Then you buy an enormous mansion, marry a rock star,

develop a drug problem, become a recluse, disappear for a while.

You know, lots of rumors that you're dead.

But then you're not.

And you re-emerge with a very brief stint on a cheesy reality show

because you gotta lose the recluse weight.

Then, you get your comeback.

The new P.J. Franklin Show.

Same theme song...

P.J.!

Yes, and then, it's time to write your crappy children's book.

Even Unicorns Say "I'm Sorry."

Peej?

I'm in here.

If you can play baseball at a consistent level,

you should be able to deal with any situation the game throws at you.

Okay, I've got good news and even better news.

I will take the better news.

I have to give you the good news first, otherwise, it doesn't work.

Well, then why'd you give me a choice?

Oh, I like the blazer.

Yeah, is that the good news?

No, that was just an aside.

The good news is, we're going to Italy in the fall.

Really? Yes!

The better news, if we buy now,

we can get two-for-one tickets.

One for us and one for our boyfriends.

Why don't the two of us go, just you and me?

I don't want to go with you.

Italy is for lovers.

Well, so is Virginia.

Steph, we're both single.

Not for long.

We will be off the market by October for sure.

And if not, I'll sign us up for some lesbian walking tour.

And you can wear that.

Right.

So, what do you say?

Steph, come on, you gotta give me some time to think about it.

You know, you can't just storm into my room

and expect me to buy a plane ticket for a boyfriend I don't have.

But the tickets are so cheap right now.

I understand that,

but I got a lot of things on my mind right now.

Like this taping.

This is a huge gig for me, and I need to look my best.

Okay, how about this?

Does this say, "Hi, I'm P.J. I know sports"?

Actually, it kind of says,

"Hi, I'm P.J., I'm the number-one

"real estate agent in Lincoln Park."

Number one, huh?

It's not a compliment.

P.J., you been practicing your catch phrases for The Turk Vardell Show?

No, I don't have any catch phrases.

Oh, you're going to need some. It's Turk Vardell.

Yeah, the show is nothing but catch phrases.

Yeah, you know, like, "The windup, the pitch!

"Boomshakalaka!"

Or you're always safe with a movie quote, like,

"He's at the wall! Hasta la vista, baby!"

Or, "Derrek Lee, he's on a mission from God."

"You had me at 'Hello.'"

What?

"You had me at 'Hello.'"

It's a movie quote. It's from Jerry Maguire. He might say that.

No. Sit down.

What's wrong with falling in love?

I gotta go.

Hey, wait, wait, wait. Where are you going? We just started.

Look, these poker nights are really hard for me.

I live in Hoffman Estates, which is essentially the upper peninsula.

So if you want me to keep playing,

we're going to have to do this at a time that works for me, like, 4:30.

Come on, Andy. Come...

No, I'm serious. This commute's killing me.

If I'm going to keep playing, I gotta find a place to crash in the city.

Hey, man, I'd offer my place,

but my roommate Jeff's cousin is in town from Denmark.

Gurn.

Hey, buddy, you can totally stay at my place.

Are you sure that's a good idea, Mike?

Absolutely. I've got tons of space.

All right, great. Really?

Yeah, I mean, I gotta get permission from the warden first,

but hold on...

Hello, honey?

Yeah, what's the color of the car?

The gray one.

No, I'm fine to drive.

But I want to come home!

Well, if you really think so. Okay.

See you tomorrow.

She's my wife. I don't want to lie to her.

Seriously, man, I'm really psyched about this.

We're going to have a great time together.

Yeah, yeah, slow down, cowboy.

We're not dating.

Well, you know, really, I do appreciate you letting me crash.

Hey, no problem. Come on. Okay.

Come on in.

How you doing tonight, Frank?

You don't have any furniture.

I know. You like it, huh? It's a cool pad.

There's no place to sleep. Where am I supposed to sleep?

Anywhere you want. What, in that chair?

This is totally comfy.

Watch this.

Huh?

What am I, a heroin addict?

How am I supposed to sleep in the chair?

I'm going to get you a blanket. Come on.

We're not cavemen around here.

Um... Hmm...

Actually, I don't have a blanket.

Hey, would you be happy with a windbreaker?

If you want to be consistent,

you gotta have a clear game plan.

That's another key step on the road to success.

Okay, you look great.

Just remember one thing, during commercial breaks, lick your lips.

It keeps them looking shiny.

Okay, I'll try.

Lots of things to remember, Steph.

Oh, and I need you to remember one more thing...

No, I'm full!

No, no, it's not about this.

It's just that we lose the two-for-one ticket deal at midnight.

Oh, yes, for you, me, and the boyfriends we don't have.

Ooh.

Speak for yourself.

That guy doesn't know it yet, but he just won himself a free trip to Italy.

Dude, come on, man. This just seems so unnecessary.

I'm weird. I'm one of those people who don't like to sleep in a chair.

So if I'm going to crash at your place, I'm going to need a real bed.

Well, don't buy a new one, man.

Why not just bust out a Goodwill special?

Do you know how much bacteria and microorganisms live in used mattresses?

You have a used mattress, don't you?

My God.

Behold, the Grand King.

Whoa!

This is

delicious.

This is the Grand King.

So, what are you guys doing?

Shopping for maternity clothes.

Oh.

This is...

This is just...

Oh, I'm never leaving. I'm going to have the baby right here.

Kenny, call Dr. Klein.

Maybe the mattress comes in crib size.

Okay, we don't need it in a crib size

because we are not leaving the hospital with the baby.

The baby is leaving the hospital with Chad and Jeremy.

I know...

I mean...

Ouch, ouch, ouch! "Oh, look at the little cutie baby.

"Here, Chad and Jeremy. Bye-bye!"

After you've practiced and prepared,

it's time to put your game plan in motion.

This is your first time on TV?

Oh, you're not going to forget it.

I mean, it stays with you forever. It's great.

Yeah. You got a catch phrase?

Gotta have a catch phrase!

Yeah, something like this.

Something like, "Yeah, you know what?

"Can I have some syrup for my grand slam breakfast?"

"Went to White Castle, came back with a wicked slider."

"Man on first. Time for a little bit of bunt cake."

Oh, that's terrible. It's great.

No, seriously, don't do that one.

Bunt cake is... No, it's wonderful. Come on!

The Turk has entered the building.

Booyakasha!

Turk's feeling the magic. You guys feeling the magic?

I'm feeling the magic.

All right. Brilliant!

In the meantime, eat, drink, and be merry.

Train's leaving in five minutes.

Next stop, TV land! All aboard!

Andy's new bed is unbelievable.

It's literally like sleeping on a cloud.

It made me like myself more.

Hey, honey. Hey.

I was thinking. You know, we should have a party or something,

something where we could celebrate the coming of the baby,

like, with food and cake and presents.

Something like, I don't know, like a shower?

That's a great idea.

We could play games, decorate onesies.

Okay, I don't know how many times I have to say it.

This is not my baby.

I know... No. No, you don't know,

because you keep acting like it is.

Kenny, you're making this very difficult on me.

All this endless babbling about showers

and baby beds and cotton diapers.

I mean, I think that you're way more into this baby

than you are into me.

I'm afraid you're going to dump me as soon as I'm not pregnant, you know?

When I'm... When I'm thin and hot.

Where are you going to be? Huh?

Huh?

Just... Here, beers are on me, guys.

Hormones, right?

Well, we came for one show and we got another.

Oh, hey, turn it up, would you?

Sure.

And, now, here's the man, Turk Vardell.

My guests tonight, from the Chicago Tribune, Pete Hulne,

Charlie Keene,

and from the Chicago Sun-Times, Miss P.J. Franklin!

All right! Yeah!

What do the Cubs need to do to get to October?

Bring in the noise, P.J.!

Well, the Cubs are going to need to...

Cubs, October, World Series, shazam!

Right...

Charlie! Okay, one,

get big numbers from Alfonso Soriano.

Two, they need to keep the pitching staff healthy,

from Big Z all the way on down.

Then they're going to be all right. Oh, you know what?

Also, I'm going to have the number two with cheese fries.

And you know what? Put on some world championship sauce on top of that!

I'll have what he's having, but super size it.

And with that you get egg roll!

See, my friend's a guest on the show

and I should totally be watching,

but your eyes, they're just messing me up.

Well, what about the Sox in 2005?

Yeah, yeah. I don't know if this city

could handle a Cubs championship.

This city will be on fire. I mean, it'll be total chaos!

Dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria.

Yeah, and who you gonna call, huh?

Ghostbusters?

Warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.

Set a course for the next question.

P.J. Franklin, thoughts, new coach?

Boomshakalaka!

Lou Piniella, man. I mean, he's a force.

You know, he's a legend.

He puts the lotion in the fricking basket, you know?

I mean, he's like,

"Go ahead, St. Louis Cardinals. Make my day."

Oh, my God.

What is she doing?

This is not good.

So not good.

Is it over? You were great. Seriously.

Really? From what I saw.

And you know I don't know a thing about sports.

That's how good you were.

Oh, Turk, my man!

That was really, really fun.

I had such a good time. Ditto.

Yeah, I just wanted to say thank you for inviting me, you know?

I mean, I hope I was okay.

Well, you put the lotion in the fricking basket.

Really? Yeah.

But I gotta go. Reservations, Charlie Trotter's, 8:15.

Okay, so I guess I'll just talk to you soon about the next show.

Hey, you're in my BlackBerry.

That's good, right? Are you kidding? You're in his BlackBerry.

Let's celebrate.

Okay, can we go get some drinks at Crowley's?

I think the guys are there. Okay, yeah, yeah.

But can we just swing by my place first

and pick up a sweater and four tickets to Italy?

You know what? Okay. Really?

Yeah, yeah, let's get those tickets, you know?

I mean, we should celebrate, right?

I mean, who knows?

This could be the beginning of a new career.

Do you think she was so bad she might actually lose her real job?

Man, considering the fact that she beat me out for the gig,

I really should've enjoyed that more.

It's weird. I don't think I've ever seen P.J.

be really, really bad at anything.

Well, you weren't at her first piano recital.

She threw up all over Grandma Noonie,

who was in the third row.

Wow.

Well, that's over.

So you guys made up?

Nope, she broke up with me.

She doesn't want to see me anymore.

Look, Kenny, I know it sucks,

but you gotta look at this as an opportunity.

An opportunity to...

Find somebody who's not pregnant.

I would've used softer language, but yeah. What he said.

We still have two birthing classes left. It's going to be awkward.

I'm pretty sure you're off the hook on that one, buddy.

You think?

I guess so.

Hey, how was P.J.?

Well, she kind of...

Sucked.

Again, I'd use softer language, but yeah, I'm good with "sucked."

Or you could just say that she...

You know, she swung and she missed.

Hey, that has a nice ring to it.

Why don't we just tell her that?

Wait, we're telling her?

Trust me, if she finds out she sucked from somebody else,

she'll yell at us for not saying it.

Screw that. I say we just flat out lie.

"You were smart, funny, yada, yada," and then, boom!

We move on to the next topic. Are you with me?

Hell, yeah.

Oh, crap, here she comes.

All those in favor of lying to my sister, say aye.

Aye. Aye.

Nay. I'm saying nay.

All right, the ayes have it.

Hey!

Hey, P.J.

Come on, give me some.

Who was on TV? You.

Yeah. Yeah, it's like, you know, we were here,

and you were right up there.

Lotion and basket...

Did you guys like that?

I don't know where that came from.

You know what I said. SportsCenter.

No, no, that's not my focus right now.

But, I don't know, in a few years maybe.

I'd watch. Yeah?

You guys really thought I was great?

Kimmie broke up with Kenny. Yeah.

What? Yeah.

You know the hardest part? What?

That baby's never going to get to know me.

Yeah, he'll never know the guy who wasn't his father,

who dated the woman who wasn't his mother.

Yeah.

Drinks. Yes.

Hey, Brendo, after this, can we go back and watch the show?

You recorded it, right?

Oh, my God. Peej, you are going to kill me.

Don't say it.

I'm so sorry. I just... I completely forgot.

Brendo... No, no, no, it's okay, Peej,

'cause you can get a DVD from the Turk when you go back on Tuesday.

Oh, that's right. That's right.

I'm coming with you.

You're going to erase that show, right?

Oh, dude, I am way ahead of you.

Yup.

Hey, guys, check it out.

Four tickets to Italy.

Nice!

Hey, now, listen, if you don't find a boyfriend to take,

which I'm sure you will because you're very attractive and very charming...

Shotgun! You can't do that.

I called it. You were slow.

You weren't touching the tickets. Shotgun!

Since when is that the rule?

So what are the odds of you and Stephanie

actually finding boyfriends by October?

P.J.? I'd say she's even money, $1.20 or pick 'em.

Stephanie? House won't take that action.

Well, welcome back, buddy.

You feeling better? Yeah, you know.

I dodged a bullet on that one.

Plus, think of all the money I'll save on, like,

diapers, nannies, preschool.

Spend it on therapy.

All right, guys. Here's my problem.

The next taping is tomorrow,

and the Turk hasn't called me yet.

What should I do?

Well, according to Maxim magazine...

I mean, The Economist.

Always play hard to get.

Let the employer come to you.

Oh, is that what you keep telling yourself?

Right, but, I mean, it's weird, isn't it?

I mean, people usually call to confirm.

Um...

He called me.

I talked to him this afternoon

and I'm doing the show tomorrow.

Wait, the Turk ditched me?

I don't know. I don't... I don't think...

Oh, my God, no. He totally ditched me.

Wait, why, why is he ditching me?

You know, maybe he just forgot to call. The Turk's a busy man.

Yeah, he eats at Charlie Trotter's every night.

No.

No, I bet I know why.

I bet the Turk doesn't like women.

I'm not sure that's the deal, Peej.

No, I felt it at the taping.

Oh, my God, come to think of it,

he's actually never had a woman on the show.

Peej, that's not what happened.

No, no, no, no, no. It's clear to me.

He's a sexist. It's...

You cannot do that show. Wait, what?

If you do that show, you're going to condone that cheeseball's behavior.

Oh, but...

Look, Peej, I'm pretty sure that's not why he didn't call you back.

I think it's because maybe, you know,

TV is just not your thing.

What do you mean?

Look...

You kind of swung and missed on this one.

What does that mean?

Well, you know, when a baseball player is at the plate and the...

No, I know what that means. I mean, what are you saying?

You weren't that

great.

What? No, no, no, no, no.

The Turk said I was great.

He said I put the lotion in the basket.

I'm glad you brought that up.

Nobody knows what that means.

Yeah, and then you tried to do Clint Eastwood,

but that's not really your forte.

Wait, so you guys were just trying to be nice?

Yeah. Yes.

You guys are never nice.

No, never.

Peej, it was kind of like your piano recital.

Yeah.

I didn't throw up.

Yeah, actually, that might have saved it.

Oh, wow! Oh, wow. Look, I had no idea.

I mean, look, the whole thing happened so fast.

You know, they just started asking questions,

'cause the show had started...

Look, Peej, Peej, Peej, Peej, it's okay.

Everybody has off days.

Oh, God. Oh, no. Oh, my God, I feel like staying in bed for a week.

As do I. Thanks to the Grand King.

P.J., listen, I mean how many people actually saw the show?

It's on local cable, right?

I mean, the audience consists totally of, you know, fantasy league nerds

and frat guys in khaki shorts.

All right.

All right, then maybe I got away with it, huh?

Yeah.

I guess I'm feeling lucky, huh, punks?

Huh? Not my forte. Not my forte!

That's a little better.

That's something. It was a lot closer.

Does she know about the YouTube thing? 'Cause I think...

I think it's, like, the third-most viewed.

Yup, it is. Right behind the clip of the Japanese midget

singing the milkshake song.

Hey, which sounds a lot like her Clint Eastwood.

All right, so I had an off day.

Whatever.

The good news is I will get another chance and when I do, I'll be ready.

Ready for whatever life throws at me.

My guests tonight, from the Chicago Tribune, Pete Hulne.

Charlie Keene!

And Bobby Newman!

Ow!