Original subtitles

The history of baseball is filled with so many myths and legends,

that sometimes you wonder what the real stories are.

Of course, sometimes a simple story can take on a life of its own.

Come on, Kenny. The guy tried to bring a goat into Wrigley Field.

The goat had a ticket.

It wasn't goat day.

That's why he bought a ticket. Otherwise, he'd have got in free.

Hey, Kenny, do you know a guy named Freddy DiPaolo?

Freddy DiPaolo? That's Mexican Freddy.

He was in here earlier looking for you.

Mexican Freddy? I haven't heard that name in years.

Who is Mexican Freddy?

Ah, a kid I used to shoot crap with.

You know, back then, if you lost your cash, you'd take someone's dice.

Well, Freddy didn't like that.

Freddy had a temper, and he drank.

Well, now, one night he comes at me...

Ah, you know.

No, no, no. What?

Well, let's just say nobody's heard from him since.

Oh, my God.

I know, seriously. What, did you kill him?

I took care of it.

He kicked his ass.

I took care of it. What?

Meredith!

Hey, P.J.!

Meredith's story is really simple.

She's married to my brother, she completely dominates his life,

and, according to Andy, she's the Wicked Witch of the Midwest.

My God, P.J., you look great.

See?

Thank you.

What are you doing here?

I want to surprise Andy for his birthday,

and I know he loves this place,

so I thought I would stop by and see if it was available for a party.

Wow! Gosh, you haven't thrown Andy a party since your wedding.

That wasn't really for Andy.

I mean, he didn't even want to go.

So who are you here with?

Oh, uh, just, you know, the guys.

The poker guys?

Mexican Freddy used to smuggle in tax-free cigarettes from Indiana.

The card game? Fat Herschel and Ducky Gills.

Who is this girl waving at me, and why am I waving back to her?

Hey, everybody. This is Meredith.

Hello. How's it going, Meredith?

Hi! Andy's wife.

Oh! Yeah!

Hi!

I'm finally face-to-face with the men who have stolen my husband.

Yeah, yeah. Sorry about that.

Are you kidding? I love poker night.

It's guaranteed alone time.

Without it, I never would have been able to make it through Infinite Jest.

That's a really long book.

Well, Meredith would like to have a surprise party for Andy.

Here.

Hey! All right!

And, P.J., I was wondering if maybe you could help me out with some of the details.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess.

Great, then we'll talk this week?

And I'll see you guys at the party.

You got it. Yeah, cool.

Great to meet you. Nice to meet you.

So that's the infamous Meredith?

You guys, I've got to say, from everything Andy said about her,

she's really not what I expected.

Yeah, I was kind of picturing somebody with, like, fangs and a cape.

No, no, no. You guys, come on.

She's totally putting on an act.

You guys know what a control freak she is.

Now I've got to throw a party with her?

Well, then I ask this. Which would you rather?

Plan a surprise party with Meredith,

or make out with Kenny for five minutes?

What's wrong with making out with me? Everything.

I was going to say "lose a thumb," but I thought this was worse.

Come on. You guys have made out with people weirder than me.

I made out with Linda Polk.

Linda Polk, the anchor lady?

Yep.

I made out with my 10th-grade English teacher, Miss Francis.

What?

No! No, no, no. It was two years ago, not when I was in high school.

That would have been totally creepy.

Did you call her Miss Francis? Yes.

That's still pretty creepy.

All right. So, uh...

Should we tell them, Brendan?

No, no, no.

Tell us what?

It's not that big a deal.

Brendan and I made out in college.

What? No!

Spring quarter, senior year.

We're at a party in some backyard in some house in Evanston...

Playing beer pong all day.

Whoa, did you, uh...

No! No!

I took off, man. I had a paper due.

Lame!

All right, wait, wait, wait. So then you guys dated?

No, 'cause he actually blew me off the very next day.

No, I didn't. You totally did.

Stephanie and I were sitting in the library.

You walked by and said, "What's up?"

And then kept walking!

No, no, no. No, no. That's impossible, see?

'Cause I was skiing in Alpine Valley.

I thought you said you had a paper due.

Yeah, I did. I turned in my paper, and then I went skiing.

No, first you blew me off. Then you turned in your paper and went skiing.

I did not blow you off.

Why haven't we heard about this before?

I don't know, it...

All right, well, it was a long time ago.

And then, as it turns out, some of us have forgotten about it.

I did not forget about making out.

Then how was it?

It was cool, man, you know.

P.J. was pretty hot back then.

Thank you. Yep.

Wait. Back then?

You were hot back then.

Okay, why is everybody using the past tense? God!

And besides, that's not the point.

The point is he "what's-upped" me, and he doesn't remember.

That's horrible.

And you're saying I was there?

We were in the library studying.

Let me stop you right there, 'cause that doesn't even sound like me.

Steph, you have to remember. You're my last hope.

Wait a second.

We were all in the library. Yeah!

And Brendan comes along, and who does he think he is?

Oh, you don't remember.

No. Nothing.

I remember being dropped off as a freshman,

and everything after that is a blur.

Oh, crappity-crap.

It's Meredith.

What?

Yeah. We are having lunch tomorrow to plan Andy's party.

You're coming with me.

No! I don't want to meet Meredith. What if she's mean?

Don't worry about it. You won't remember.

Wait a second.

Brendan walked right past us...

Shut up.

Sometimes it's hard to separate the truth from legend.

Did Babe Ruth really call his shot?

Were the Cubs really cursed by a goat?

What's the truth about Brendan "what's-upping" me?

You know, something's been bugging me the last couple of days.

Did Brendan put a baby in your stomach?

Uh-huh. She lives with my mother.

That's who that little girl is.

The one in the rock shirts with the five o'clock shadow.

Please forget about this. Which part?

The part you remember, or the part you forget?

The part that I remember.

Because the part that I forget is the part that you remember,

which shouldn't even be a part to remember,

which is why it's a part that I forget.

You know, I actually can't see Brendan "what's-upping" you.

Here. I will show you what it looked like.

Bobby, you be me. I'll be Brendan. Okay?

What's my motivation?

You are sitting in the library with Stephanie, pretending to study,

maybe even a little excited to see him again.

Okay. You're going to say, "Hi, Brendo."

I love live theater.

These are great seats.

Okay, ready? Okay.

Hi, Brendo.

'Sup?

Oh, no, he didn't!

First of all, I don't walk like that.

I was in the scene, and it felt a little false to me.

I'm not sure I buy it.

Of course not. Because I was skiing.

It's kind of fun to think of Brendo being a total dick.

Thank you.

It's also fun to think that P.J. made the whole thing up and is therefore

pitch-a-tent-on - your-front-lawn crazy.

Thank you.

Both tempting choices. I'm torn.

You guys are going to run this thing into the ground, aren't you?

Think so. I have every intention of it.

Well, that's terrific.

In that case, I will be checking my e-mails until you're all done.

Private caller.

I'm not picking that up. Maybe it's Mexican Freddy.

Ooh, put him on speaker.

Does he sound like Speedy Gonzalez?

Mexican Freddy's really not Mexican.

Sure, just like how they call fat guys "tiny," or ugly guys "handsome."

What?

You know what I'm talking about, handsome.

Look, if Mexican Freddy wants to talk to me,

he should find me and then deal with me face-to-face.

Well, I've got to go.

Meredith wants me to come home and help her shellac a jigsaw puzzle.

Unfortunately, that's not a euphemism.

Hey, wait a second. You've got a birthday coming up.

You haven't even talked about what you want to do yet.

Don't get your hopes up. We're talking about Meredith, here.

The best we can hope for is to grab a quick drink

at Crowley's while she's out getting her broom waxed.

Euphemism? No.

Euphemism for what?

All right. Good night.

See you. See you.

I thought Meredith said she liked having him out of the house.

No, come on. That's what she said to you guys.

But you all know she'll do anything in her power

to prevent him from having any fun.

So, so far, there's going to be a karaoke guy, a magician,

two kegs of his favorite imported beer,

and it'll be open bar from 8:00 to 12:00.

Wow, Meredith, that sounds great.

Kind of sounds like you got it covered. What do you need us for?

I need you guys to keep him distracted while I set up for the party.

I don't know, take him to a Cubs game or something,

and then bring him to Crowley's.

Oh, my God, you know what? I've got it. I've got a great idea.

Here. Let me get that.

Please, please. This is on me.

You guys are doing me such a huge favor.

Thank you. No, thank you.

All right, I've got to go. I have to meet with the guy who's making the t-shirts.

See you Saturday night!

Okay. Okay, see you!

I've got to tell you, Meredith seems really nice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Never had lunch with her before.

Maybe she's really good at lunch.

And she picked up the tab.

Oh, my God. All it takes to win you over is a Cobb salad?

Are you kidding?

If she had bought me a piece of swordfish, I would have slept with her.

What's up?

Come on, I'm just playing.

What are you doing?

Just on Craigslist looking at apartments.

What do you mean?

You know. Just looking.

I mean, eventually I've got to get my own place, right?

Yeah, but, I mean, my place is your place. You know that.

I know, but, you know...

Something to think about.

Is everything okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

All right, cool.

I was going to grab some dinner. You want to come with?

No, it's cool.

Maiden's got this new CD out, so I kind of, you know, just want to get into it.

All right.

Myths have a tendency to distort the truth.

And sometimes you're left to ask, "What's really going on?"

Are you ready for your surprise?

Let me guess where we're going.

The Mars Cheese Castle.

Yeah!

Really?

No. Let's go.

All right, all right...

This way.

All right, this... All right, this is easy.

We're in Joliet at the riverboat casino.

Dude, we've been walking for 10 minutes. Joliet is two hours away.

Can we stop at Mr. Beef first? Mr. Beef!

Okay. There's no sunlight, a bit of an echo.

Let me try something. Pinocchio! Pinocchio!

Yes, we're in the belly of a whale. Now move!

Are you guys going to kill me and just get rid of me?

Yes!

Ready? Yeah! Yeah.

Whoa!

I've never been to the pyramids,

I've never seen the Great Wall,

but I've spent countless afternoons at Wrigley Field.

And I wouldn't trade that for anything.

I pulled some strings to give you the best birthday ever.

Come on!

Let's go!

All right. Come on, Andy! Let's see what you got.

Come on, baby. Come on!

Come on, Andy!

Come on. What is that?

Don't kill the guy!

I got on the inside of the plate, amigo.

You want to go put on a diaper?

You got it, you got it! Go! Go! Go!

Safe! Out!

Are you kidding me? Out!

What are you talking about?

Don't touch me!

You're drunk!

You're going back in the dugout!

What are you, blind? You know what?

And dumb? I'm not going to take this.

He was totally safe! You know what?

You're an amateur. Gone!

I wanted to show it to you, 'cause this'll be the last time you see it.

Come on, try and get it over the plate.

Here you go, daddy.

Come on, buddy! Come on!

Oh, my God, are you kidding me?

Atta boy!

Happy birthday!

That was awesome!

It's not over yet.

You've still got one more surprise.

What?

Happy birthday, Andy.

You're all right.

That's awesome.

Thanks a lot, you guys. I really appreciate...

Hey! Andy! What are you doing? Get inside.

Enough's enough. Meredith said she wanted me home two hours ago.

All right, well just come in for one drink. What's the big deal?

Come on, Andy. One beer.

Yeah. It'll only take a minute.

Look, she said she wanted me home by 7:30.

And if I wasn't home in time, she'd find a new daddy for Savannah.

I don't think so.

You know I'd love to get a drink, but it's not worth a custody battle.

Come on, just get inside.

It's your birthday!

Come on!

Surprise!

Dinner at 7:30, huh?

Yeah!

Meredith!

I've got to tell you, you did a great job with this party.

I couldn't have pulled it off without you.

Although, I have to admit, I was a little afraid to ask for your help.

Why?

I kind of thought you might say no.

Really?

Yeah, I mean, how am I supposed to know?

We never hang out.

Yeah. We should make more of an effort.

Well, I've begged Andy to make plans.

But, you know, he just says you're always busy,

and I just figured you didn't want to.

Oh, my God. Meredith, no. I...

I am so sorry he gave you that impression.

You know,

we could just get together without him.

Really? Yeah.

Who needs Andy?

Yeah. Who needs him?

I'm bouncy!

You married him.

Hey, what's up?

My God. Would you give it a rest already?

No, I really was just saying, "What's up?"

It is a commonly used phrase, you know.

Dude, awfully jumpy for an innocent man.

Yes, terribly skittish for a man who was skiing.

Oh, no, no, no...

What the hell's wrong with you?

Nothing. No, no...

Kenny Moritorri.

You're a hard man to find.

Freddy.

Excuse me, gentlemen. I didn't mean to interrupt.

Kenny, can we speak in private?

Oh, yeah!

Ken, let me go.

I got sober, and I'm going through the program.

I've come to you to work my ninth step.

I'm here to make amends.

You know what's a funny thing about your wife, Andy?

It turns out she does not feast on human flesh.

You don't understand. I'm protecting you.

She would suck the life right out of you.

Look what she's done to me. I'm only 30!

She is...

She's terrific!

I know.

So then why have you been saying all that stuff about her?

Look, it's just that...

I don't want to admit that I get tired at 9:30 every night.

I mean, I love you guys, but sometimes I just want to be home,

with my daughter, or in bed with my wife.

Then why don't you just say that?

'Cause I don't want to look like some wuss.

So, instead, you keep Meredith and me apart,

you turn her into this bad guy

so you don't have to take responsibility for it?

That's a fair assessment.

Well, enough. You've used the Meredith excuse for too long.

We both have.

You're right.

I think you owe her an apology.

Myths make for nice stories,

but at some point you can't blame curses or goats.

You have to take responsibility for your own actions.

So then, my sponsor said,

"You've got to track this cat down and tell him you're sorry."

So, uh...

I'm sorry for beating the bejesus out of you.

You know, I realize now that

I was working out my issues with my father on your face.

Apology accepted. Great.

Are we cool? Yeah.

Still wish I hadn't eaten beer and chocolate cake. That was awful.

Oh, hey, dude, how did that go?

It's all settled, you know. We agreed, if he wants to come north of the Loop,

he's got to call me and ask for permission.

I'm not a violent man, but I'm a little disappointed.

Got a taste for blood?

Little bit. Yeah.

Gentlemen.

Do me a favor? Give these to Kenny?

It's my way of saying I'm sorry for all the times I kicked his ass.

I thought Kenny kicked your ass.

Who? Moritorri?

Wait till I tell Ducky Gills that one!

He's going to love that!

"Oh, Ducky!

"Moritorri kicked my ass!"

That's rich.

Oh, my God! Kenny totally lied!

Okay, wait.

Do we really want to bust Kenny on this?

I mean, we don't really know what the truth is for sure.

Hell, Mexican Freddy's not even Mexican.

Quiet.

What's up? Sorry about that, you know?

Did Babe Ruth really call his shot? Who knows?

Sometimes it's more fun to live with the legend than to get to the truth.

Okay, you guys, I was wrong.

Meredith is actually pretty cool.

Man, I can't believe Meredith is cool.

I don't know what to believe anymore.

Guys, I've got to come clean.

I never made out with Linda Polk.

I did sit next to her in a restaurant once, though.

Well, that's almost the same thing.

Myths are created by stories taking on a life of their own,

to the point where the line gets blurred

between what's fact and what's fiction.

I never believed that Bobby's grandfather was the voice of Yogi Bear.

I know. Such a weird lie.

I know, but he was so invested in it.

Nightcap?

Nah, I should just get to bed.

Hey, stop for a second.

Okay, seriously. What is going on?

Nothing. Really?

'Cause it just seems like

ever since we told everyone that we made out in college,

that you have completely disappeared on me.

All right.

I've got to admit something.

I did "what's up" you.

Come on! I knew you did.

I know, I know.

Oh, man, why didn't you just admit it?

Because I felt bad, you know? I was ashamed.

It's such a stupid thing to do.

Brendo, it was a million years ago.

No, I know. I know. Look.

You've got to understand something about what happened back then, all right?

After we hooked up,

I kind of freaked out.

I mean, I...

I wanted to pursue things.

You know, but I didn't know how.

Oh...

I mean, you were one of my closest friends.

You know, one of the coolest people I ever met.

I didn't...

I didn't want to ruin the friendship.

Why didn't you say that?

I don't know. I was just a kid, I guess.

And

the truth is

I was really into you back then.

And to talk about it was strange, you know?

It's still strange.

It doesn't have to be. I mean...

You can tell me anything, you are my best friend.

I know, I know. I'm sorry.

You know, but I'm glad we're talking about this now.

'Cause I don't ever want anything to jeopardize,

you know, what we have.

Oh, God. Nothing could do that.

You are one of the most important people in my life.

You know that, right?

Yeah, I do.

You are never going to let me live this down, are you?

No, I don't really think so.

Skiing? Really?

Seriously? Apparently.

Totally? Absolutely.

The thing about baseball myths is this.

Whether they're true or not, they sell the game of baseball.

However, the real story, the truth beneath the myth,

is just as important.