Original subtitles

At some point, just like athletes,

we all have to deal with being released.

Released from a job, a relationship.

The question becomes, how do we respond?

Hey, you know what?

I have an announcement to make.

On the heels of my breakup with Wendy,

I've decided that for the foreseeable future,

I will no longer be consuming any alcohol.

I don't understand.

Must not have heard him right.

It is loud in here, isn't it?

Yeah, he used a lot of big words.

Talk normal.

Look, every time I've broken up with Wendy in the past,

I always go on some crazy bender,

and it just makes me more depressed.

So this time, I figured, "Lay off the booze, see what happens."

I think I know what'll happen.

You'll want booze. Yeah.

Hey. Mike, Bobby, Brendan.

Kenny. Uh-huh.

Okay, I'm gonna go get a drink.

I'll come with. All right.

Complete waste of a breakup.

It's borderline un-American.

Oh, my God. Look away. Look away.

I just made eye contact with Keith Luger.

Keith Luger from Northwestern?

And I think he saw me.

Oh, my God. Is he coming over here?

'Cause I think he's coming over here.

Calm down.

The guy is harmless, okay?

He ran black and white movie night, for God's sake.

Hey! Hey!

Keith.

Fancy meeting you two here.

Keith Luger. Wow.

This is just like being back in college, right?

Yeah, except you're not wearing your bright orange suspenders.

Oh, guess again.

That's amazing.

So what brings you gals here?

You know, we actually live right nearby.

You're kidding. Me, too.

Not me, for much longer,

because my company has transferred me to the Orient.

The Orient.

Just got transferred to town. I'm in computers. Information technology.

Really? That's shocking.

Yeah. I'm an I.T. guy. Guess that makes me "it."

I.T. It.

Yeah. Nice.

Oh, Keith.

It was nice seeing you.

Oh, wait. Let me grab you gals a drink.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no. That would actually be really sweet.

Thank you.

Oh, I'll have a Scotch on the rocks. She'll have a chardonnay.

Great. Okay, great. Be right back. Okay, great. Bye.

That's just so sweet.

What is wrong with you? Why do you have to be so nice to people?

What do you want me to do, kick him in the neck?

You know, you're kind of a snob.

He's a perfectly nice guy.

He's annoying.

He's a little annoying.

Look, he means well. He's new in town.

He probably doesn't have a lot of friends.

I don't think that's because he's new in town.

How about now? Are you drinking now?

Nope.

How about now?

As fascinating as this is, I'm going to the bathroom.

Ah, good. I'll come with you.

I don't want you to go with me.

I need to go to the bathroom.

Come on. It'll be fun.

This is disturbing on many levels.

All right, say we're all out ordering brandied apples. Are you in?

Hey, look. I...

I couldn't say anything in front of Mike, but I need your advice.

Oh. I'm not good with that kind of responsibility.

Why don't you ask P.J.?

No, no. I can't. It involves a professional source.

P.J.'s a rival reporter.

Come on, please.

All right.

Okay, so I just found out

there's gonna be a shake-up in the Cubs' front office this week.

Mike's getting fired.

Ouch.

So the question is do we tell him

or should we let him find out on his own?

Oh, see?

This is why I don't like responsibility.

I'm getting all sweaty.

Calm down. Look, you know Mike as well as anyone, okay?

What do you think he would want?

I say no. He's got way too much pride.

He'd want to tell us on his own terms.

You gotta leave the man his dignity.

Drinky, drinky. Yum, yum, yum. Who's a nummy nummy?

I like you.

Yes, he's an inspiration to children everywhere.

Okay, here we go.

Drinks for the sweet.

That is really nice of you.

But we actually have to get back to our friends now.

Oh, yeah. Me, too.

I'll let you go, but great seeing you guys.

Yeah, it was great seeing you.

Okay. Bye. All right.

Yeah.

See? Totally painless.

P.J.? Yeah?

Uh...

I was just wondering if maybe you want to grab dinner some night this week.

Oh, sure. I'd love to have dinner with you.

Hang on. Let me give you my card.

You should give me a call. I will. Thanks. All right, bye.

I'll call you. Bye.

Bye.

You see what being nice gets you?

What? It's one dinner.

Some of us were raised to be kind to those in need.

Hey, Peej, grab me a beer, will you?

Get your own.

What? You got two legs. You're closer.

Boat.

Come on.

Sorry, guys.

That's like six hands in a row he's won.

Yeah, what is up with that?

I'm telling you, I think it's this whole not-drinking thing.

I mean, this week has been amazing.

Things taste different. They smell different. I'm dreaming again.

Adults don't dream.

I'm telling you, I never knew my brain could function at this capacity.

Wait. Are you telling me you can do complex math problems?

I guess.

What's nine times seven? Sixty-three.

Wow.

Hey, Peej, how'd that mercy date go with your old college buddy?

Come on. It wasn't a mercy date.

It was a mercy date.

Hell, I have a mercy marriage.

All right, it was a little bit of a mercy date, but it was fine.

He was a perfect gentleman.

Now when he calls, I'll let him down easy,

and, you know, we'll all live happily ever after.

Wait. You went out with him Sunday?

Yep.

That's four days ago.

What, are you gonna pull the four-day rule on me?

What, I'm sure he had a busy week at work.

Sure, he was busy.

Well, I mean, he's new there.

All right, look on the bright side.

Now you don't have to deal with the guy, right?

Yeah, I guess.

The most difficult kind of release is the one you are not expecting.

In its own weird way, it's like a mini death of sorts,

complete with all the different stages of grieving.

No messages.

Denial, for instance.

You know, I am sure he's gonna call.

I would love it if he didn't, but you know, he's gonna call.

Yeah. Sure.

Sure, dude. Totally. Makes sense.

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

Hey. What's up? Hey.

I had a really rough day.

I'm a little off.

What the hell. I got fired.

Oh, man.

Oh, God.

People can also respond with despair.

Yeah.

I don't believe it.

They fired a bunch of us.

Apparently it's been in the works for a while.

Yeah, I actually heard something a couple days ago.

I'm really sorry, buddy.

You did? Who told you?

Sorry. It's confidential.

Oh, bite me.

Wait a minute. I'm sorry.

Did you say you heard something about me a couple days ago,

and you didn't tell me about it?

Yeah, because I thought...

No, man. No, you didn't.

You couldn't have just thought,

because if you'd thought for just one sec, you would have told me.

Dude, come on. What good would that have done?

Oh, I don't know. I would have been prepared for it,

done something to save my job.

You know, at least I could have quit and kept my self-respect.

Mike...

And then, of course, there's the old standby. Anger.

You know what, man? I'm going home.

It's nice to know who my friends are.

Mike. Mike.

Keith Luger hasn't called you yet?

Well, he's probably just having a busy week at work.

That's what I said.

You really think so, right?

Sure. How many days has it been?

Five. Oh.

Well, I don't understand why you care. You don't even like him.

No, I know that. That's not the point, you know?

I mean, even when you're not interested in somebody, you call them.

You tell them what a nice time you had,

and then you say you're gonna be busy for a few weeks.

You lie. It's common courtesy, Steph.

Yeah, and you were doing him a favor.

Exactly. And how does he repay that kindness? With rudeness.

You know what?

I'm gonna take the high road.

I am gonna call him and tell him what a nice time I had.

Teach him a little thing or two about manners, you know what I'm saying?

Hi, Keith. It's P.J.

Yeah, well...

Oh, okay, well, I guess I just beat you to it then, didn't I?

Uh-huh.

Okay. Great. Bye.

We're going out on Saturday night.

What?

Wait, wait, wait.

This is a guy you're not remotely interested in,

yet somehow you ended up calling him and agreed to a second date.

Pretty much.

Wow. This guy's good.

Meredith was good. Now look at me.

Get out.

You know what? On your next date,

don't reveal too much about yourself, all right?

That's what I did with Wendy, and...

Yeah.

Still not drinking?

Still not drinking.

I'll get another pitcher just in case.

Hey, guys. Hey.

Wow. Silent Bob.

Anything you don't want to tell me?

Like have you talked to my doctor?

'Cause if I have ball cancer, don't tell me. Just let me figure it out.

Come on, dude. The guy's apologized, like, a million times.

And didn't we agree that nobody was allowed to say ball cancer?

I've stuck by that rule.

I'm going to throw some darts.

Try throwing them up in the air, and see what happens.

Look, we'll talk to him, okay? We'll make him forgive you.

I don't want him to forgive me. I didn't do anything wrong.

Boy, how many times did those words come out of my mouth to Wendy?

Now?

Happy as a clam, man.

Do you know the suicide rate among clams?

You can't stay mad at the guy forever.

Sure, I can.

He's dead to me now.

You know who he is? He's Fredo.

He broke my heart.

Maybe he was just trying to protect your pride.

Did you ever think of that?

No. Anybody who knows me knows I would have wanted to know.

It's as simple as that.

True, but he feels really bad about it.

You know, I don't care how Bobby feels right now, okay?

I'm a little more concerned about myself at the moment.

Mike, look...

You gotta know it's gonna be okay.

How? How am I supposed to know that, okay?

I've never been fired before.

Yeah, that's right, okay? I don't have a job,

and I don't have the slightest clue what to do about it.

Mike, look, I know this sucks, but I promise you, you're gonna get another job.

I have to, and soon.

How else am I supposed to maintain this lifestyle?

Yeah, I can see where that might be a concern.

Hey, so where are you going on your big date tonight?

I don't know. Hopefully somewhere cheap.

You know, so I don't feel guilty when I tell him I never want to see him again.

Does this look good?

Really good.

Oh, crap.

Hey, so did you talk to Mike yet?

Uh... Oh, yes.

Yes, I did.

Good. So then you explained to him

that I talked to you about it first

and that we're both really, really sorry.

Yes, that is exactly what I said to him when I spoke to him.

You're not even trying to lie.

Yes, I am.

Come on, man. You're really hanging me out to dry here.

It doesn't serve anybody for Mike to be pissed at both of us.

It's much better if I can act as a go-between.

Better? For who?

It's paid off already.

Now that I've talked to him, I totally understand what's going on.

Yeah? What?

It's simple. Mike feels worthless right now.

I mean, he's never been fired. He doesn't know what to do.

Let's get him a job interview.

I mean, you know people in other front offices, right?

Well, yeah. Of course.

Great. Make some calls.

Doesn't even matter what sport. Just get him an interview.

Seriously, it will boost his spirits.

Yeah. I'll see what I can do.

Still too hot?

Kind of smokin'. Smokin'.

Damn.

Try a turtleneck. Or some scuba gear.

As painful as it is to be released,

it is no picnic being the one doing the releasing, either.

The trick is to try and do it as gently as possible.

It was really good seeing you again.

And I had a really fun time.

I know.

I just wish I weren't going to be so busy with work the next few weeks.

Huh?

Yeah, I'm just gonna be really busy.

Look, P.J., the thing is, you and I...

Unless you realize someone's about to release you first.

I don't know. I just think...

We're not the right people for each other.

I couldn't agree more.

That's not what I was going to say at all.

I was gonna say

I thought we had this incredible connection that could surmount anything.

Oh. Well...

That's different.

I thought things were going so well.

Uh...

Oh, my... Oh, Keith...

Hey.

Look, you know, these things can be really

tricky sometimes, you know?

I mean, you can't take them personally, you know? I mean...

I know. I know.

Okay. Okay.

I'll just... I'll just go inside then.

Yeah, okay. Yeah.

Um...

Oh, come here. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Um...

Sure.

Yeah.

Oh, God. What has a girl got to do to get released around here?

All right, let me get this straight.

This time, you were in the middle of breaking up with him,

and then all of a sudden, you were making out with him?

Pretty much.

Wow. This guy's working at a whole other level.

Yeah. Let me get this down.

What's the first thing he said to you?

Oh, would you guys stop? He's not playing me, all right?

But clearly I could use some advice.

I mean, what is the best way to break up with this guy?

I'll tell you the worst way to break up with someone.

You go out with that person on and off for, oh, I don't know, seven years.

You buy the person a ring. You start planning a wedding.

Then you find out all of a sudden they're not exactly who they say they were.

Still not drinking?

Still not drinking.

You could just ignore his phone calls.

Oh, I can't do that.

You know, I've been out with him twice.

We went to college together, you know?

I kind of got to do it in person.

What, are you crazy? You can't see this guy again. You'll sleep with him.

No, I won't.

What? It's true.

I know, but still. Just...

Face it, P.J. You're dating a hypnotist.

You want my advice? Don't go out with him.

But since you didn't listen to that, go with, "It's not you, it's me."

'Cause it's an oldie but a goodie, and it works like a charm.

No, no, no. This guy's a pro.

You're gonna have to get a lot more creative than that.

I've always found insulting someone to be very effective.

For example, if you tell someone that their face is too smushed,

generally they don't want to hang out with you anymore.

Have you ever broken up with anyone before?

No, but I've been involved in many breakups.

You want to know the best way to break up with someone?

Marry them, have a kid, live in a house for 40 years and eventually die.

Boom. You're free and clear.

Almost happened to me.

Don't worry. I'm sure it will.

All right, you want my tried and true method?

Yes.

You turn it around on them.

You chase after them.

You go from stalkee to stalker, and they run like hell.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

That would not work on this guy.

Trust me. It works on everyone.

Stalking someone?

Are you kidding me? You know nothing.

Hi, guys.

Hey, Bobby!

Wow, he speaks.

Two words is a lot for Silent Bob.

Look, Mike, I got you a job interview. It's with the Blackhawks.

I know you hate hockey, but it's the best I could do.

No, man, I don't hate it. It's just...

I mean, I think it's stupid.

It's soccer on ice with a stick.

Might not want to lead with that in your interview.

Hey, a job interview. How about that?

Hey, man, thanks for setting that up.

And I'm sorry about overreacting. I was a dick.

I'm sorry I didn't say anything. I should have.

You know what? I should have said something.

I should have told Wendy the first time something happened,

I knew...

Wow.

Hey, guys.

Welcome home.

Brendo!

I'm the luckiest man in the world.

Why's that?

Because I have you.

Yeah.

Like, about that, Keith. You're a great guy.

But I don't know if things are gonna work out between us.

Well, there's no way to know. See, that's the beauty of life.

You just kind of have to let things happen.

See, I don't know that there's room in my life

for a relationship right now, but it is not you, it's me.

P.J., I would never stand in the way of you exploring who you are. Never.

Has anyone ever told you your face is a little mushed?

Excuse me?

Nothing.

It's just... Bottom line.

Whatever it is you're supposed to feel for a certain person,

I don't have those feelings for you, Keith.

And I do think it would be best that we didn't see each other anymore.

I see.

Oh, God, Keith. Don't... Please don't cry.

Keith... Something's caught in his throat.

When it comes to being released,

often it just comes down to pride.

So if you're willing to forgo yours to preserve someone else's,

anything's possible.

All right, I can't do this anymore.

I can't lie to you or to myself anymore.

The truth is, I'm actually scared of how real the connection between us is.

You are?

Yes. I mean, can't you feel it?

I can.

Ever since I first laid eyes on you back at Northwestern.

Your bright orange suspenders signaling to me like beacons from your heart.

Keith, let's elope right now.

I love you. Come again?

Let's hop into a car right now and go to Vegas.

I want to get married tonight.

All right. That's a little sudden, don't you think?

Mrs. Keith Luger. Mrs. P.J. Luger.

So Mike's method really works, huh?

Oh, what can I say? The man is a genius.

Hey, he had his interview with the Blackhawks today, right?

He did, yeah. He didn't get it.

I talked to my buddy already.

Apparently he hadn't heard that Wayne Gretzky retired.

Oh.

So I should tell him, right?

Of course. Are you kidding me?

Yeah. I think we all learned that lesson.

Okay. Just making sure.

Okay, Franklin.

I call.

Queens and fours.

I got a straight.

You only had four cards.

What?

How about another beer for Brendan?

I am back in the saddle again.

Feast your eyes on the next assistant public relations director

for the Chicago Blackhawks. I was on fire!

Thinking about signing Gretzky as my first deal.

It was amazing, man. I got in there.

He asked, I answered. He thrusted, I parried.

You didn't get it.

You didn't get the job. I talked to my friend already. You did not get it.

What the hell, man. You can't let me enjoy myself for just one night?

You said if I heard anything.

I know what I said, but you seem to just relish

taking the wind out of my sails.

No, I don't!

Oh, I definitely sense some relish.

It's funny. Once you recognize this whole pride thing,

it all becomes really clear.

Just a second! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Dude, you are lucky you didn't get that job.

You're completely overqualified for it.

You know who I spoke to today?

The guy who works at the Bears.

He says they're gonna be looking for somebody in about a month.

Seriously? Yeah.

Come on. Take a seat.

That would be amazing.

Thank you so much for doing that, man.

No worries.

And, hey, you know what? I'm sorry.

I can't help it. I'm a dick.

Don't worry about it, buddy.

You're a good friend. You're a good friend, too.

You're a really good friend. You're a really...

All right, before you two start making out,

can we please get back to the game?

This has been my favorite episode of Gilmore Girls.

All right!

You guys were mad at each other,

and then you got back together.

Oh, the mom on that show's so hot. And the daughter...

So in the end, while it sucks to get released,

ultimately, there's acceptance.

And if you're really lucky, you've got friends around

to help you pick up the pieces.

You know, I might be an ass, but I'm a sensitive man.

See? That's why I was right

not to tell him about getting fired in the first place.

Who knows what he would have done if we'd been the ones to tell him.

That's right.

Wait a minute. You knew?

Oh, you are in so much trouble.

Nice slide.