Original subtitles

One of the great things about sports is that it creates heroes,

people who give us something to aspire to.

In life, finding a hero isn't always as easy,

but I've been lucky.

Excuse me, miss. Is there a film on this flight?

Aunt Phyllis! Oh, my God.

Aunt Phyllis is my own personal hero.

She lives this amazing, exotic life.

What are you doing here?

I'm running from the law.

Well, with your history, I wouldn't be surprised.

No, I'm writing a piece on Chicago for Travel and Leisure.

Your article on Uganda?

Yeah!

Did you really eat the grasshopper?

Uh, no, but my assistant told me all about it

while I enjoyed a big, fat juicy steak.

Oh, my God. I can't believe you're here.

For the next few days I'm all yours.

Does Mom know you're here?

No, but it's a short weekend.

Your mom would have me come out to the house

and then she'd want to show me her azaleas

and then I would die of boredom.

Anyway, I'm here to have fun,

and you know how your mom hates fun.

She doesn't hate it.

She has a complicated relationship with it.

Look, I just want to have a bonding weekend with my niece

without anybody questioning it. Is that so bad?

No. Absolutely not. Your secret is safe with me.

There's the carom board I got you from New Delhi.

Oh, that looks great there. And that reminds me. Here.

I got these.

These are petanque boules that I won off of an old man in Provence.

Oh. Oh, wow. These boules are...

What are these?

It's lawn bowling but much more pretentious.

Oh... Should we go out and petanque?

I got a better idea.

Why don't we go to a bar and get pe-tanked?

I know the perfect place.

This is the perfect place. I could live here.

P.J. kind of does.

No, you're at your place sometimes.

Yeah, like when we're playing poker,

which is what we're doing tomorrow night.

Which is where I'll be taking all your money.

Man, you sound exactly like P.J.

Are you kidding me? I sound exactly like her.

I practically based my life on this woman.

What? You're the reason I became a writer.

Oh, please. You passed me years ago.

Oh, no, cut that out. You're the big writer. No, you're the big writer.

No, you're the big writer. All right. You've convinced me.

Oh, my God. Right now, sitting at the bar, that's Danny Finn.

Really? Where?

Who is Danny Finn?

Oh, he was a pitcher for the Cubs in '86, then he went to Philadelphia

and he came back in '89, right?

That dude hit more batters than any pitcher in the history of the game.

That's right. He's totally old school.

He's the first guy off the bench in a brawl.

It doesn't matter who's fighting,

he just comes out swinging. He's awesome.

He's like my hero.

Go buy him a drink.

I can't just walk up to Danny Finn. What would I say?

Can I buy you a drink?

I can't say that. Can I say that?

Yeah. Hey, you guys go be his wingmen.

Come on! Knock them dead, buddy.

Let us know if you get his digits.

Brendo! Hey!

Look who's here! Hi!

My God!

Look who it is!

Phyllis, I haven't seen you since P.J.'s graduation party.

Weren't you the one...

Yes. It doesn't even matter what the question is.

The answer's always yes.

This is my fiancee, Wendy.

Fiancee!

Where you guys been? Oh. We were up at...

Sunset Ridge Country Club. We booked it for the wedding.

Oh, my God.

Where a string quartet will greet us with our song.

Oh, my God.

And then, once we say our wedding vows,

we're going to release 45 pure white doves into the evening sky.

Oh, my God.

Can you believe it? God, I feel like I'm going to cry.

Me, too. Me, too.

If the whole dove thing flames out,

we can always do something here.

Okay, honey. We've been through this.

It's a joke. And we've heard the joke.

I loved it. Tell it again.

It's the coordinator. Ah. Good, go, go.

All right. How you doing?

I don't care. Weddings are for brides, so...

You know, I'm just rolling with it.

Aided by this.

For God's sake, ladies, get it over with.

Mr. Finn, I'm so sorry.

It's just that I'm a huge fan,

and I just wanted to come over here and buy you a drink,

but I can see that you have your hands full.

Barkeep, can I get another... Jack and Coke.

Jack and Coke for Mr. Finn. It's nice to meet you.

Heroes don't always have to be untouchable icons.

And if you're really lucky, you might even get to hang out with them.

Somebody needs some more poker juice.

Well, if you're offering.

Mmm-hmm. That's just for you.

Thank you. This wine is fantastic.

Where'd you get it?

This old Turkish woman makes it in her sink.

You brought it all the way from Turkey?

No, no. She lives on the corner of Webster and Hallstead.

You know where they have good wine is Eddie and Angie's Steakhouse.

Yeah, because that's where I'll be spending tomorrow night

with my good friend Danny Finn.

Hmm. And your good best friends, Kenny and Bobby?

Yeah, they'll be there, too.

Dinner with "Never Win" Danny Finn?

Yeah. Danny and I don't like that nickname.

Sorry I'm late, everybody.

Meredith had me looking at a new school for Savannah,

and I got caught up with some deep...

Oh, no. Oh, come here, you!

Hey! What have we got here?

Who's this guy?

Hello, Phyllis.

Damn it, Andy, you haven't changed a bit.

This head was this big when he was eight years old.

Yeah. I finally got the neck muscles to hold it up.

You know what? I used to take

P.J. and Andy to the movies when they were kids

every time I came into town

because their mother wouldn't let them see anything.

Took him to see Planet of the Apes,

but we didn't make it past the first scene.

They were talking apes.

Riding horses.

All right. Who needs? I do.

I'm all wined out.

I'll have a vodka rocks.

I'll help.

Hey, Phyllis is awesome.

I know. I am so lucky to have her.

And we're so alike, huh?

Hurry up in there, Peej!

I've waited my entire life for a Cubs World Series.

I shouldn't have to wait that long for a drink!

Almost scary.

Oh, my God. Does your head hurt as much as mine?

The best cure for that...

Tequila sunrise and a two-man massage.

Did I ever tell you about Jose and Rigo?

No, you...

What was that?

Kenny? What you doing here?

Uh...

Leaving? Morning, cutie.

I can't. I can't wrap my head around Aunt Phyllis sleeping with Kenny.

I can't wrap my head around anyone sleeping with Kenny.

What do you think of this one?

Ah, he's kinda toothy.

What about that guy?

Oh, I didn't see him.

You know, this is kind of nice, the whole coffee thing.

Fresh air, people watching.

Match.com.

I should do this more often.

Yeah, yeah, you guys, we have a serious weird thing here.

Andy, for all we know, Kenny could be joining our family.

Oh, let's not get carried away here.

Oh, my God. Wait.

If they got married, that would make Kenny my uncle.

Yes, but somehow not my uncle.

That's how deeply in denial I am about this.

Peej, you should tell Phyllis how you feel.

Just get it out in the open. I'm sure she'll understand.

Oh, here's a good one.

Dr. Lakeview 77.

I should send him a wink.

Wow. Stephanie, that picture is gorgeous.

I know. Isn't it?

I used the photographer who shoots all the Chicago Magazine covers.

That must have been expensive.

Well, I've given up shoes for a year,

but if it lands me a doctor, it was worth it.

What is it with women always wanting to marry doctors?

Like no other occupations are valid?

There are a lot of perfectly happy people in this world

who married construction workers, farmers...

You wish you married a doctor, don't you?

Yeah. A hot one.

Even though we know our heroes are human beings,

it's still surprising to see them when they actually act like it.

Oh, that's the spot right there.

Watch the hands, buddy. I don't know where they've been.

Oh, wait. Yes, I do.

Look at that, I need another one. Phyl, you wanna come with?

Yeah. Sure, Peej.

She'll be right back, Mr. Magic Fingers.

Be right back.

Man, your Aunt Phyllis, I got to tell you...

No, you don't.

Thank you. Uh, this is none of my business,

but this whole you-and-Kenny thing is happening fast.

Oh, Peej,

we're just two adults having a little bit of fun. That's all. Okay?

All right. Yeah, but just so you know,

I'm having a little trouble with the whole

public-displays-of-affection thing.

If you think it's weird in public,

you don't want to know what goes on in private.

Oh.

I am so glad you're here.

I need to know if you're bringing a date.

We're already up to 324, and the room only holds 340.

Wouldn't you know it? I'm bringing 16 dates.

Oh, yeah, and the guys are getting together tomorrow

to get fitted for their tuxes, so are you free?

Yeah. Of course.

Why would she need to be there for that?

Because P.J.'s gonna be my best man.

No, seriously. P.J.'s my best man. I told you this.

You were serious about that?

Yeah.

Um...

Huh.

So you thought I forgot, right? But I didn't.

I opened the '91 season with a fast ball... Bang! Right off his head!

He goes down like he's shot.

They thought he was dead.

To this day, he cannot grow hair on that spot of his head.

I just cut him off. On the Dan Ryan?

Right there on the expressway. Exactly. And I go, "Pull over, man."

His little kid's going, "Daddy, don't get out of the car."

Finally, he does get out and I take his inhaler out of his hand.

"Run for it, man!" The kid's like,

"Dad, don't run for it! Don't! It's an expressway!"

He can't breathe! He doesn't have his inhaler!

Can I get you guys anything else?

I would like another Johnny Walker Blue double.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. We're out.

Well, somebody just lost her tip.

Danny, why don't you just order a different type of Scotch?

What type of Scotch do you think I should order?

Maybe a Glen-shove-it-up-your-ass?

Good one.

Seriously, man. One of the best dinners ever.

Well, when you run with the big dog, things freaking happen.

And now I have got to go drain the main vein.

Think fast!

Come on, man, climb the ladder and ring the bell!

Dude, that guy sucks.

Seriously, one of the worst guys ever.

What are you talking about? Danny Finn is a legend, man.

You're just jealous.

I'm jealous of Danny Finn?

Are you a crazy person?

This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

You're gonna tell your grandkids about this dinner.

I will. I'll them that I went to dinner

with a complete has-been who wouldn't shut up

but still managed to kill an entire bottle of Johnny Walker Blue.

Like I said, a legend. Now, come on, man. Ding-dong!

Wait a second. Isn't the bathroom that way?

Oh, balls.

Ring the bell.

If Kenny shows up in the next couple of minutes,

keep him busy because I'm not ready yet.

Okay.

You haven't said anything to your mom about this, have you?

No, of course not. Why?

Oh, if she knew that I was having a fling

with a younger man, can you imagine?

No kidding.

Hey, Peej.

Hey.

Listen...

I got some bad news.

I'm out as best man, huh?

She's hell-bent on this being a traditional wedding,

and traditional weddings don't have best ladies.

Well, that sucks. I know. I'm sorry.

It's just, you know, I just want everything to be perfect for her.

You know, it's her day. Yeah, well, it's your day, too.

I mean, this wedding has no Brendo in it.

This whole thing, it's just been one big battle.

You know? And to tell you the truth, I'm just sick of fighting.

Brendan, this is like one of the most important days of your life.

If you don't take a stand now, when are you going to?

Hey, Wendy.

Roses are nice.

Yes. The yellow and the daisies

would go well with the skirt around the tables.

Yeah? Hey.

Hey, hey. Wow!

You look great!

Thank you very much. Wow!

I'll be out in two seconds, cutie!

Okay, take your time.

There you go. Sit down. Thank you.

All right.

Hey, are you cool with all of this?

Yeah. I mean, it's kind of strange,

but you know, you're two adults just having some fun.

You know? Wait.

I'm not just having fun.

I mean, I really like her. Um...

You know me. I'm not the kind of guy who just fools around

with somebody for the hell of it. I mean, I think this...

I think this could turn into something.

Really? Yeah.

What's up, sexy?

Hey, you ready, babe? Uh-huh.

Okay.

I'll have her home by 11:00.

Um... No.

I think... Don't wait up for us, okay? Okie-doke.

Okie-dokey.

One thing I love about Chicago, it's always happy hour.

I think I'm going to stick around for a couple more days.

Oh, my God. That's so great.

Kenny must be totally psyched to hear that you're staying.

Yeah, you know what? Maybe we should keep that a secret.

Why? Well, Kenny is a lot of fun,

but you know...

I don't think you guys are on the same page.

What are you talking about?

Well, Kenny likes you.

No, I mean, like he really likes you.

So, you know, if you're not that into him,

you gotta be straight with him.

Kenny knows the deal.

No, I don't think he does.

It's just... Look, he's my friend.

Well, he's my friend, too.

No, Phyllis, I'm being serious.

Oh. Who have we got here?

What?

Oh, no, Phyllis. I'm being serious.

I cannot tell you how many times

your mother has started a sentence with that lead-in.

Okay, Phyllis, I...

That and, "Have you planned for your retirement?"

Or, um, "I can help you stop smoking..."

So you're changing the subject.

Or, "Phyllis, you're changing the subject."

Oh, you were actually saying that. Oh, I'm sorry.

If it makes you happy,

I'll talk to Kenny tonight before poker.

Would you let him down easy? He's a really good guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

One thing I love about Chicago...

It's always happy hour! It's always happy hour!

Who are Tim and Tina Minder?

Oh, that's Dad's chiropractor and his wife.

The Minders made the cut?

Sweetie, let me handle this.

All right.

It just kind of seems like you're handling everything.

Well, if I left these decisions up to you,

Judas Priest would be playing at the reception.

That would kick ass.

Now that is a wedding actually worth going to.

What are you trying to say?

I'm just saying, you know, all this stuff is meaningless.

Honestly, I would rather elope.

We can just drive to Wisconsin tonight,

just you and me, get this whole thing out of the way right now.

My parents have already booked the space.

They've already paid for the doves.

Screw the doves, screw the Minders, all of it. I mean...

Come on, this wedding has become something I never wanted.

Really? Because this is exactly what I want.

When am I going to have a say in anything, huh?

After the ceremony? After we have kids?

After you tell me you want to move to the suburbs?

You don't want to move to the suburbs?

You do?

I can't wrap my head around it, you know?

One minute we're getting married, and the next it's all over.

Sorry, man. Yeah, man, we're real sorry.

So no doves?

No doves.

Hey, this guy needs a drink. Oh, just the one?

I'll help carry.

I think we just hit that point where it's like,

either you move forward together or you call it quits.

You guys want different things.

Yeah, but it didn't always used to be like that.

You know, I still remember that first date.

You know, when she walked into Vintage Vinyl, I mean,

she had a Ramones shirt on, for God's sake.

Yeah, but Bren, she was 23 years old.

You've grown into being different people.

And you're still clinging to that image in your head

of that girl who walked into the record store,

and that's not who Wendy is anymore.

Yeah.

Well, I guess she's not.

Guest room's open as always.

You know, as a special treat, I might even pay a little rent this time. Hmm?

That is a special treat.

Dude, Danny Finn just walked into the bar.

Should we buy him a drink?

No! He ditched us with, like, a $600 bill!

He likes good Scotch.

Okay. That was one of the worst nights ever.

You wanna let him get away with that?

Damn it, you're right.

I'm gonna go say something.

Fine. I'll come with.

Hey.

Hey, good to see you guys!

Just in time. Bartender, a round on my friends.

Mmm. Yeah, not so much. See, you owe us some money from the other night.

Well, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Um, you walked out on a $600 tab.

Did I hurt the little baby's feelings?

He gets it.

Come on, man. Just do the right thing.

Buying you a drink is one thing,

but sticking us with a huge tab, that's just...

You're telling me you think some meal at a crappy steakhouse is payback

for all the good times I've given you?

Are you a crazy person? We just met.

It's the memories, man. Come on.

The memories of all those summer afternoons

where I led the Cubs to victory.

Think about that and then tell me who owes who what.

I'm going to give you a memory.

Bartender, can I get drink right here, please?

I want you to remember this is the last drink

some fan ever bought for your washed-up ass.

Nice! Thanks, man.

They don't get it.

Hey, you're Danny Finn. Right?

Sure am. Want to buy me a drink?

Hey, Phyllis. Ready to play some poker?

Phyllis?

Phyllis?

Wait a second. All of her stuff is gone.

I think I have the answer.

What?

Wait a second. She just took off? Just like that?

Just like that. How could she do that?

You're probably too young to remember,

but she's always been like that, Peej.

She's a runner. I'm surprised she lasted the weekend really.

No, wait, but...

We were having such a good time, you know?

And there was Kenny and...

Not anymore. Thank God.

Look, Peej, there's a reason

why she's not that close to anyone in the family.

I can count on one hand how many times any of us

have seen her in the last 10 years.

Well, that's because she travels so much.

And isn't that a convenient excuse.

No, it's different with us, Andy.

I mean, I'm her favorite, you know. And we're so alike and...

Whoa. Wait. Oh, my God. No, Peej.

You two are nothing alike.

You're... You're like Mom.

Like Mom?

Okay, Mom is...

Responsible, generous, caring.

I mean, you'd never run off and leave your family or friends, would you?

The resemblance is kind of scary at times.

Kenny! What you doing here?

Playing poker, right?

Babe, I picked up a bottle of merlot. You're gonna love it.

Uh...

She didn't

tell you anything, did she?

What are you talking about?

Wait. So she's gone?

It's a sad thing when we find ourselves disappointed by our heroes.

Whether it's because we idealize them,

or think we know them,

or wanna be like them.

It always stings when our heroes fall from grace.

Then again, it also helps to remind us who our real heroes are.

Hey, Mom.