Original subtitles

At various junctures in all relationships,

someone has to perform a selfless act

in order to protect that relationship's core.

In baseball, that's called taking one for the team.

It's not fun, it's gonna sting,

but if it gives your team an edge, you do it,

and you do it with a big fake smile on your face.

Usually.

The house we're buying in Naperville.

It's gonna be inspected,

and the guy wants to know if it has something I've never heard of.

A garage?

Man, I can't believe you're actually doing it. I mean, Naperville?

You'll all be singing a different tune

when I come by with bags and bags of tomatoes from our vegetable garden.

Wait a minute. Free tomatoes?

Are you planting zucchinis? Because, yum.

You gotta get some chickens.

No, seriously. Have you ever had an egg that just came out of a chicken?

No, and I've never taken a swig out of a cow's udder,

but I don't think I'm missing out.

Poker peeps!

Surprise drop-in from Trouty-boy, effing howdy!

Really?

He knows it's poker night. I didn't call him.

Sorry for the unannounced visit,

but a pipe burst down in the learning annex

and my tumbling class got canceled.

Sweets for the sweet.

Sugar cubes.

It's like old-school style from mother Britain.

Thanks. I'll give them to my horses.

Kenny Loggins, your slacks. Taken in a full inch.

Dude, hop back on the carb train.

You're looking too angular. Okay.

What's up, Boo-boo? And a hearty hello

to the rest of the mystery machine.

You wanna play a hand?

That's just the thing, boys and woman, and why I stopped by.

Trouty can get us into an exclusive,

hush-hush, underground nightclub

that features among its many amenities, a sweet craps table

and drinks that can knock you every which way to Tuesday.

And the name of this magical club

of which I speak of unequivocally...

The Streisand.

The what?

The Streisand.

Why are you whispering?

It's the deal. You can't say it out loud.

That is utterly ridiculous.

I've read about this place,

and it's supposed to be epic like the old Playboy clubs, and super exclusive.

I heard Cusack couldn't even get Piven in.

How much like the old Playboy clubs?

And more to the point, and I think we all know where I'm going with this,

how hot are the waitresses?

No bunny ears or powder puff tails,

but the rabbit meat is of similar quality.

I'm in. You're kidding me.

You're really going to a place

because the waitresses are one step above hooker?

I'm in. Yeah.

So tomorrow night?

We all down for a hang at the Streisand?

All right, party people. We ready for our big night out?

Yes.

It's not a mime club.

Which one are you, Crockett or Tubbs?

Well played.

That's a good one, David Copperfield.

Have you heard from Trouty yet?

No. He'll text me with the address

once he gets the go-ahead from the doorman and not one second sooner.

Hey.

Hey, Steph.

Kenny, I want to bring a guest.

You can't. So, the end.

Come on. I made a date with him for tonight

before we knew about the Streisand.

It doesn't work that way, okay?

Wait just a second. Is this Gregg from Business Affairs?

Yes.

Go do that, okay? We can go to...

You know, another night, okay?

Play this thing out.

Once again, the phrase "Gregg from Business Affairs"

captures a certain exotic flair for romance that just...

Holy crap, I got the address. Let's go.

Come on. We're rolling.

God.

And that's Gregg with two "G's" on the end, right?

Yeah. How did you know?

We didn't. Just sort of, you know, sensed it.

Yeah, it's weird.

Kinda weird.

I mean, what is that extra "G" for?

Sweet golden palace of the Himalayas.

I know, right? And the kicker...

This place used to be a 31 Flavors.

No way.

Excuse me, but you can't...

Yo, Trouty! Welcome home, my man!

What's up, Willie Shoemaker? How you feeling?

This is my tribe. Are we cool?

We are very cool.

If you're Trouty friends, then you're friends of Streisand's.

We're Trouty friends.

Trouty, I gotta hand it to you, man. This place is killer.

And the fact that you are connected here is...

I'm gonna go with unexpected.

This is a tasty beverage!

No, seriously. Usually I'm not into these fruity drinks, but these things...

Must be made with the freshest organic produce flown in privately

from Hawaii, Fiji, Taipei, and...

Hello, everyone. I'm Steve.

Stevie-Steve! How you feeling, man?

These are my peeps of whom I've told you about.

Yeah, of course. Know them in an instant.

You must be Ken-dawg.

Mike the Red.

Brendl, Boo-boo, and...

Of course, P.J.

How come she gets to be P.J.?

Trouty called her "peanut butter and jelly" once, and she punched him.

Hi, Steve. Hi.

Your club is amazing. Thank you.

You've only scratched the surface.

Frieda, could we get a round of crab legs?

Uh-huh.

Thank you.

Now, since you're all friends of Trouty,

needless to say, drinks are on me.

And here are some chips to get you started with on the craps table.

And if you need anything at all,

please contact either Frieda or Lori or Jasmine.

Or Connie. Or Lisa or Gretchen or Beth or Kathy.

I'm sure you get the idea.

This is incredible!

I totally know it, my widgets.

The Streisand.

Come on!

So, yeah. Steve really hooked us up tonight.

He gave us our own private table and a personal waitress

and access to the fancy bathroom.

How do you know Steve so well?

Steve and us are friends...

'Sup, yo, pieces of eight?

You playing nicely with R.F.K. and mikespace.com?

'Cause if not, Trouty will be all up in your grill,

which, by the way, is one fine and dandy-looking grill.

I think we're going to check out the fancy bathroom.

No... No. Excuse us.

You ever made love on a bed of popcorn kernels, baby?

Damn, little big man, you're looking all tense.

Want me to work out a knot or two?

Trouty, really, I'm fine. I...

Dude, I can already tell you sleep wrong.

Come here.

Somebody's up a trunk-load of Ben Franklins.

Sweet ride, sweet ride.

Let me blow on the dice. No, don't do it.

Come on, man. You guys know me.

I'm like a walking rabbit's foot. Come on, let me blow.

Don't do it, man. He's cursed. Just roll.

Ken-dawg, really?

Come on, man. Who's your pal?

Sure. Blow.

Seven out. Line away.

Seven out? Damn it.

Schnap. That's never happened before.

So, P.J., having fun?

Yes, I am. I usually hate sceney clubs like this,

but this place is fun.

I'm actually not a sceney guy,

although faking it's an occupational hazard.

But I heard about your cozy little poker game.

I would love to play sometime.

Yeah, it's a small game with friends.

That sounds good, too. Let's be friends.

You don't miss a trick, do you?

Part of the job.

Is this the house specialty?

Nope. It's my specialty.

I only make it for certain people on certain occasions.

So I'm a certain person?

You are absolutely a certain person.

Looky-looky! Nice catch, Stevie-Steve.

I've been trying to snag this carp for a while now.

Let me help to bridge any gaps here.

Both of you whisper in my ear and tell me who's your favorite Beatle.

Seriously, that place?

Crawling with celebrities.

I could have spit on Gary Sinise.

I can't believe I missed it.

Wait, you never actually told us what went down with Gregg.

From Business Affairs.

From Business Affairs.

Private conversation for later.

You totally had sex with him, didn't you?

No! Why not?

You're a pig.

Anyway, come on. Tell me more about the Streisand.

There's not much left to say, I mean,

except other than it was the perfect night.

Except for...

Trouty.

Peej, you haven't said much. What did you think?

Steve hit on me.

What?

My God. What happened?

Okay, it was going great, but then, of course...

Trouty. Thank you.

But after that, he did ask me out, and...

You know, I don't know.

Wait a minute, P.J. This is awesome.

Don't you see? If she's in with Steve,

that means we don't have to use Trouty to get into...

And I can't believe I'm about to say this...

The Streisand.

Yeah, you gotta do it. You gotta do this!

It's not always your decision when you take one for the team,

but what the hell? The guy's hot.

All right, all right, all right. I'll do it.

We're up for shufflepuck.

So? It was nice.

It was exactly nice.

He just broke up with his girlfriend.

So... No, no. No.

It's okay, 'cause she made him feel like crap for ages.

So I took the role of builder-upper,

made him feel good about himself,

so good that we're going out again tomorrow.

That's great!

Yeah. And I want you to meet him.

What, like on the second date? Stephanie, that's weird.

I don't want you to join us.

I want you to just happen to be here.

You know, having a drink alone.

I don't drink alone.

Which is precisely why you come here.

You know everyone, so you're not technically drinking alone.

Point made.

Come on, you have such a good radar on stuff like this.

And then you're free. To drink alone?

It's a great life I've carved out for myself.

So, do you like my place?

It's like being inside Jeannie's bottle.

Ready for the show again?

I wanna do it, I wanna do it.

Holy crap.

My God. I love it. Thank you.

They don't crack a smile, do they?

Two of those guys used to be with the Joffrey.

And by the way...

No. I hate table magic. I'm sorry.

No. These are the exclusive white cards of the Streisand.

All-access passes for you.

And for your friends.

Thank you so much. I don't know what to say.

Just say, "Hi, Steve."

Hi, Steve. Hi.

It's just that you are so awfully close is all.

Yes. And transitively, so are you.

My God. You just turned into that guy in, like, five seconds.

I know. I... Sorry.

Still, let's make out.

What's up? Are you kidding me? Who are you?

Quite frankly, a guy who has to do a radio interview in about an hour, so...

Sorry, lovebirds, but I lost my cell phone,

so I borrowed Ken-dawg's cell phone to call my cell phone

so I could try to hear it ring, so, everyone...

Shh.

Schnap. Goose egg. Where could it be?

I don't know. Maybe we should take a quick pass around the club and find out.

I gotta get going anyway, if that's cool.

Sounds cool to me.

There are a couple of ways to take one for the team.

One is to make a sacrifice fly.

Trouty?

Did you know what was...

Never speak of this. Then you knew that Steve...

Steve is a friend of mine.

You are a friend of mine.

I don't want nobody to be unduly embarrassed.

Cool? Late.

You're out, it doesn't help your stats,

heck, your at-bat isn't even recorded.

But a good sac fly can often send a runner home.

White cards to the... That place.

Yes! Way to go, P.J. We are in.

We are now at the top rung of Chicago coolness.

Yeah, and more importantly, we now live in a Trouty-free world.

Yeah!

You guys, he got us in there in the first place, okay?

Let up on Trouty.

Why are you now the defender of Trouty?

He's a human being, okay? With a heart.

We know he has a heart, it's just that, you know,

it's surrounded on all sides by a Trouty.

They've been waiting for you for another night of clubbing.

After the inspection, it took me two hours to get here from Naperville.

Two. What kind of world is this?

So then don't move. Stay.

I'm on an unstoppable bullet train to suburban hell.

From here on in, my life will only involve Naperville

and stay-at-home alcoholism. Gimme.

Look at her.

No, wait. Look at her.

No, wait... I'm exhausted.

And it's still early yet.

These are the responsible ones who have to hold down jobs and stuff.

Yeah, the hot cokeheads don't come in till about 1:00.

Guys. We just cleaned up at baccarat.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking.

Who plays baccarat? Evidently we do,

and evidently we're very, very good at it.

I wonder why tonight is so different than the other night here?

I wonder if it's because there's no one chasing away the pretty lizadies.

Could be 'cause nobody's been blizzowing on my dice.

Man, Trouty is the worst.

Sorry?

Steve! What's up? Nice suit!

We were just enjoying the Trouty-free environment this evening.

Really? I thought Trouty was your...

No, no! Hold on there.

We're not really friends with Trouty.

We're just kinda...

We can't stand him. Yeah.

So Trouty's not your...

How can you not...

A few years ago, I was hiking next to the river in Yosemite

when I tripped over a huge beehive.

The bees started to attack me, so I jumped in the river.

The unseasonably strong current swept me towards the falls

where Trouty was teaching a pack of Webelos semaphore.

Trouty stripped down...

All the way for some reason...

Jumped in and carried me to safety, swimming upstream like a trout.

And that is how Trouty got his name.

Wasn't until years later that I realized that salmon swim upstream.

So, you know, it doesn't really work.

Still, he risked his life to save mine.

So if you don't like Trouty,

you don't like life!

You don't like humanity. So you know what? Get out!

Get out of the Streisand.

But...

That place sucks.

Where's Gregg?

Gone.

What?

Remember how his ex made him feel terrible?

And I was building him up?

I made him feel so good about himself

that he got up the confidence to call up the ex.

Yeah, I know. And according to his last text...

"Things R going great. Thanx." With an "X."

It's his loss.

I know.

Okay, make me feel better.

Oh, sure.

I heard that alcohol makes bad feelings go away. Let's try it.

I know how you can really raise my spirits.

You could take me to the Streisand.

Steph, I don't know. I really... I've had it with that place.

You said you wanted to make me feel better.

May I help you?

I'm P.J., remember me?

I'll take it from here, Saul.

Hello, P.J. Hey.

- Steve. - Yeah.

This is my friend Stephanie. We just came for a quick drink.

I'm sorry. No.

You and your friends are no longer welcome here.

Look, if this is about what happened the other night, I'm...

This is not about the other night.

This about how you and your friends feel about Trouty.

There's no discussion. I'd like you both to leave my club.

No, wait. I like Trouty.

Saul!

"Go directly to jail."

You know what? I'm okay with that,

'cause I would rather spend another night in jail

than another night in the Streisand!

Streisand!

Shh.

Hi, honey.

That's horrible. What else?

All right. I'll talk to you at home about this.

Okay. Yeah. Me, too. Bye.

Everything okay?

Apparently the house inspector found mold.

Tons of horrible, infectious mold.

The place is uninhabitable.

The place is uninhabitable.

The deal fell through. We're not moving to Naperville!

You guys. What the hell happened with you and Trouty at the club?

You mean down at the Streisand!

The Streisand!

Nothing, really.

I mean, we were just ragging on Trouty a little bit,

and then that Steve guy went all ballistic.

He kicked us out. It was crazy.

Crazy! That guy's crazy!

I know.

Trouty! Come, sit, have a drink with us.

Why don't you like me?

What? We like you.

I thought you were my family.

You know, my family. I loved you guys from both here and here.

My Christmas card last year? Just a picture of the five of you.

New guy, I was gonna Photoshop you in this year, but...

Now to hear this?

To know this?

Schnap.

Wait, Trouty, we like you.

I heard differently.

And if I have ever wronged any of you in any way,

I would expect as a friend that you would tell me.

No, man, come on. It's not that...

God's truth?

Yeah! Absolutely, man. 100 percent, yeah.

No, wait. Hold on.

Look.

Trouty, you're right. We are your friends. So...

You should know.

They said some things about you.

And they are sorry, but they said it.

But look, somebody should just tell you,

because you're a really great guy, and you deserve to know.

Sometimes you're a little tough to hang out with.

Why didn't you tell me about this before?

'Cause we thought it would be mean.

Not telling me was mean.

So come clean. What about me bugs you?

Trouty... This is maybe not...

No, no. Come on, bring it.

I deserve better, right? So...

Okay.

Sometimes you can be a little bit

overbearing.

Hold on.

All right, overbearing. What else?

You can be a little inappropriate with women.

I'm on it.

I think you just try too hard.

I mean, you should really relax around your friends.

Yeah. Chill out in friend town.

I'll tell you something.

It's incredibly impressive to watch someone take one for the team.

Especially when it's a team of just one.

Schnap.

I want you all to know that I will take this all to heart,

and I will strive

to correct these errors in behavioral judgment.

Great. Have a beer. Sit down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on, grab a seat. Let's play.

Hold on.

Now it's my turn.

Kenny.

You're first.

Nope.

Trouty don't play that way. I'm done.

No, Trouty, you know what? Go ahead.

Yeah, go ahead and slam Kenny.

I said no.

I don't find faults in my friends. I don't.

I honestly enjoy how Kenny smells all garlicky all the time.

I revel in that.

And the fact that Mike has a voice that can cut through stone?

I don't see that as a bad thing. It's what makes him him.

And Brendan, with his creepily constant five o'clock shadow,

and new guy, with his hair all zootsed-out

like he just got struck by lightning.

I respect it.

And P.J.

She was the only one that would tell me the truth.

I respect that most of all.

So.

Hey, guys,

the next round is on me.

How does that sound?

Terrific.

I will go to the bar, and I will be right back.

Sit tight.

Hang on a second. Zootsed?

My hair is zootsed?

You know, actually, I think he was way out of line just now.

He didn't say anything about me.

You have an enormous head.

That's for Trouty to say, not you.

Buckethead! What are you drinking?