Original subtitles

All relationships need to be managed,

and everybody needs a little coaching.

And just like in baseball, every manager has a different style.

That's it. I gotta go.

It's not even 9:00. What for?

Sorry, folks. I've got to get back before Meredith realizes

I slipped out of my ankle bracelet.

Andy's wife Meredith is like one of those micromanaging coaches

who are just incapable of letting the players play.

But before I go, I do have some good news.

We're getting our house sprayed for termites.

Congratulations!

Wait for it.

So Meredith is taking Savannah up to Oshkosh

for a girls' weekend with her sisters,

which means I'll be able to hang out all weekend.

Congratulations! There it is.

What do you say I crash here with you?

Oh, my God! Yeah, that's going be so much fun.

So keep your calendars clear, because Andy-palooza kicks off this Friday night,

and I'm the headliner.

I'll come up with a better name for it by Friday.

Yeah. Okay, who needs?

Right here.

So now that we know what everybody's doing on Friday night,

what's everybody doing on Sunday?

Yeah. Not falling for that one.

No. For what?

For, "Hey, what's everybody doing?"

That question is loaded, and you know it.

If we say we're doing nothing,

then we've got no excuse to back out when you want us to do something lame.

That's right. And if we make some plan to hedge our bets,

then we look like dicks when you come up with something cool.

Uh-huh.

Something cool. Like Bears tickets?

Dude, I'm totally in! Dude, I am so in.

Oh, my God. That's awesome! Absolutely, yeah!

The game is supposed to be sold out. How'd you get tickets?

I didn't.

But I needed you guys to help me move my stuff to Wendy's...

So I figured now that you're all... Jackass!

Idiot! Since everybody's free...

No beer for him. No. No.

Come on, guys. Look, it's a short move down the street.

I'd love to help, but I'm having coffee with this girl I've been seeing.

Jennifer.

Coffee. Wow. Haven't we been through this?

Coffee is how I get to know a girl.

Is never going to sleep with you.

Dude, come on, man. You've got to take this girl out on a proper date.

Night, somewhere with alcohol.

Fine. I'll call her. I'll set something up.

Fantastic. Everybody's in.

Look, it's not that much stuff, all right?

The more of us there are, the faster it'll go.

Come on.

All right, fine. We'll do it.

But this is it, okay?

No more helping each other move anymore.

Just like how we agreed not to pick each other up from the airport.

Yeah. Just like how we all agreed not to lend Mike money anymore.

When did we agree that?

I don't know, but I am in!

No. You're out! New rule.

New rule!

No. That is not a rule.

So Meredith took off for the whole weekend?

Yep. It's going to be awesome.

He's not going to have to rush home early.

He's not going to have to keep his two-beer limit.

It's going to be Fun Andy all over again.

Oh, I can't believe I can't play with Fun Andy.

This weekend of all weekends.

Wait, why? What, are you going out of town?

No, no, no. I'm going to be here,

but I won't be eating or drinking.

I've started my cleanse.

Your cleanse?

I drink this lemon, water, cayenne pepper

and maple syrup mixture three times a day.

And that's it. And they say after a week of this,

you think clearer, you have more energy...

And you're really, really hungry! Come on, Steph.

You're not going to last the weekend.

What makes you think that?

Well, for one thing, we're in line to get coffee right now.

I know, and it smells really good.

See?

So where are you going tonight?

Fun Andy is calling it Andy-palooza,

so I'm sure it's going to be pretty festive.

Well, don't get your hopes up too high.

We are a little bit older.

I mean, how fun can Fun Andy be?

Come on, sing a little, sister.

I totally forgot how much fun Fun Andy is.

I'm fun!

Kenny, celebrity sighting. Check it out. Luke Perry.

Luke Perry? Where?

I don't see him.

Are you looking next to the parrot?

What parrot?

No. All I see is Brendan.

Brendan!

Hey, Brendo!

Brendan, you saw Luke Perry out there, right?

Yeah, yeah. He's out front hailing a cab with Jason Priestley.

Be right back.

Wow. That was easy.

Meredith would kill me if she knew I was eating nachos.

Oh, I know. Could you imagine?

"Nachos? Oh, I don't know about that, Andy.

"That melted cheese is going to bind him up for days."

Hey, check it out. Meredith as Tony Montana from Scarface.

"Say hello to my little friend."

What? No! That was no good at all.

That's only 'cause you need something more to drink.

I'll be right back.

Oh, my God, where have you been hiding that guy?

Are you kidding? He's been locked in Meredith-land.

So did you find your boy?

No. He must have gotten into a cab.

Hey.

Hey, do you want some?

No, thank you. I'm fasting.

Are you trying to lose weight?

No, Kenny.

You know what? This may come as a surprise to you,

but the path to mental and physical enlightenment

is not paved in your nacho con carne.

Excuse me.

Because your ass looks good.

Wow, you really have a way with the ladies.

You know, speaking of ladies,

are you going to take that girl Jennifer out on a real date, or what?

You'll be pleased to know that I am indeed going out on a date with her.

Atta boy. Hey!

One of the great moments in managing a player

comes when you see the result immediately.

So what are the plans?

I thought we'd go to dinner and then drinks someplace after.

Just remember, less dinner, more drinks.

Right. Chloroform, then duct tape.

Whatever it takes.

What? Sorry. Sorry, honey, there's a mariachi band on the "L" platform.

Well, I'm off to Crate and Barrel. Bye-bye. I love you.

Crate and Barrel, huh?

I can't believe she's calling you. It's been, like, six hours.

I don't know. I'm on shot time.

Does the band know any other songs?

Yup, but I tipped them 50 bucks an hour ago

and told them to keep the La Bamba coming.

Happy Cinco de Andy.

Yeah! Yeah!

Vaya con Dios.

Una mas.

No, no, no! I can't, I can't. I got a double-header tomorrow.

Well then, you should be drinking twice as much, lady.

He's got a point. Come on, Peej!

How often does the gorgon let me out of the cage? One more drink.

I can't, Andy. I'm sorry...

Una mas! No mas!

Por favor? Por favor?

Come on! Por favor! Por favor!

Por favor!

All right, all right. All right.

Una mas. Una mas!

Una mas!

So what are you thinking?

I gotta say, it has all the telltale signs of bourbon.

I mean, just look how red her eyes are.

Yeah, but you get that with scotch, too.

I mean, look at the way she lists to the left.

If that doesn't say Chivas Regal, I don't know what does.

Oh, oh my.

Tequila.

Good call. Nice.

Sometimes the job of being manager

doesn't extend beyond yourself,

and could be as simple as knowing when to have a nice mellow evening at home.

Hey P.J., you're home!

What's up, P.J.?

So much for those plans.

You remember Tommy, Max, and Sheldon... Sorry. Squid.

Just humor him. Come on.

Sorry I didn't tell you they were coming over.

I just felt it was my duty to share my freedom

with some guys in the same boat as me.

That is really sweet of you... And me.

It's like I'm a shepherd leading my flock out

to have a little fun before they're brought back to slaughter.

Oh, well, when you put it that way, go enjoy yourself.

But look, I am so beat, okay? So I'm going to take a quick nap,

but what do you say you and I get a bite when I get up?

You got it. All right, great.

And hey, let's just do something low-key, huh?

My liver is still recovering from last night,

and we gotta help Brendan move in the morning.

No. I want to go low-key.

All right. Go have fun, brother. All right.

Why don't we just grab a pizza at Crowley's?

Yeah, sure. I guess that's low-key.

Yahtzee! Come on!

Oh, my God, I don't know how you keep going, man.

We're supposed to come here for a pizza, and look at you.

Pizza? I remember pizza.

You know, actually, it makes sense.

He's been like one of those Afghani women

who's wrapped up under a burka,

and now the Taliban is in Oshkosh.

OshKosh B'gosh. Oshkosh.

All right, that's it. We're getting Loopy and Drinky something to eat, right now.

No, I'm fine.

You guys, food is just going to slow him down. Don't kill his buzz.

It's his last night. Yeah, it's my last night...

And one of you is going to betray me.

Come on, shots are on me. What do you want?

Uh, blue!

Oh, oh, oh.

Unbelievable. Excuse me.

Be nice.

Sometimes managers need to be more patient with a player.

Guys, this is Jennifer.

Hi.

It's so very nice to meet you.

Kenny, conference, please?

Sure. Excuse me one second.

And sometimes they need to get into a player's face.

Dude, are you crazy?

Ten thousand bars in Chicago, and you've got to bring her here?

They know me here. That's just it, man.

You can't take her to the one place where you're guaranteed

to run into one of your friends.

You've got to have a date place!

Everyone's got a date place.

This is your date place, isn't it?

They know me here.

Dude, you're killing me, Kenny.

All right, where's your date place?

Yeah, like I'm going to tell you.

Fine! You know, I know what I'm doing.

Then why are you talking to me instead of her right now?

'Cause you said "conference." And why do you listen to me?

I don't know. Dude, get out of Crowley's now.

Do I listen to that?

Yes, you listen to that!

We've got to go.

Bye.

I am so good at this, I ought to teach a class for dudes.

I mean, you're not that good.

If you were that good, you wouldn't be here with me.

Maybe I'm working you.

You know, okay, that's just pathetic. Go take a lap.

Yeah. Around the bar? Around the block.

And hurry up. I don't want to have to baby-sit Andy by myself.

Come on. Put a little bounce in that step.

I shall return.

Hey, where you been?

I just got back from U-Haul.

Since when do you have to reserve a truck?

Pretty much since forever.

So does that mean no move tomorrow?

Oh, well... I figured since we're just going around the block,

that we could just use everybody's car.

You've got to be kidding me.

Okay, I'm trying to think if there's any way

you could make this whole ordeal more inconvenient.

Come on, guys.

Kenny!

Kenny's not here, sweetie.

We will help you, all right, but you owe us.

Fine! Leave, cowards!

I expected this from Max and Tommy,

but I figured better from you, Sheldon!

Ow.

Yeah.

Sounds like it's getting a little ugly over there.

We hurtled past ugly a half an hour ago,

when Andy got up on the bar and took us all to torso town.

Hey there, Andy. You ready to go home?

Why? It's early.

Don't be a party poop... Meredith.

Speak of the devil, the devil appears. Bam!

Wow, that is the first time I've ever seen you

ignore Meredith's phone call. Bango!

You know what? Hell with her.

She's not the boss of me, you know.

I thought she was the boss of you.

Well, Andy Co. has a new CEO, and his name is... Andy.

Oh, my God, that's pathetic.

You're not even trying anymore. It's time to go home.

I want to stay. I don't want to go! Stay!

All right, P.J., listen. If you want to go home and get some sleep,

we can look after him for you.

Yeah, seriously, he's fine.

I'm going to stick around for another drink anyway.

All right, thank you. I'll see you tomorrow.

Una mas.

God, your breath smells so bad.

Let's go, little cayenne pepper.

Yeah. I'm going to roll with you guys.

Don't let him forget this. I won't.

Happy birthday, Mr. President!

When he starts doing Liza, send him home.

When you start doing Liza,

I'll send you home.

Good luck with him.

Una mas!

Hey, Peej, sorry to wake you.

What's up?

We just wanted to stop by and see if you'd seen Andy at all.

No, not since I left the bar.

Okay. Good night.

Good night.

Wait.

Why? Why? Why?

Uh...

You know, we just sort of...

We can't find him.

You lost my brother?

No.

Kind of. Pretty much, yeah.

Baseball managers will be excused for losing a game from time to time,

but if you're managing a person,

losing them isn't so much an option.

Bobby, P.J.!

Hey, anything?

Well, I talked to the people over at O'Connor's,

and they said they haven't seen him since he smashed their jukebox.

And we just heard that some drunk blond guy

got in a fight with the rib joint mascot.

We're not jumping to any conclusions. We don't know it was him.

Man, he does hate that pig, though.

Did we find him yet?

Unbelievable.

Oh, Jennifer, this is P.J. P.J., this is Jennifer. And you know Bobby and Mike.

Hi.

It's nice to see you again. Kenny, conference.

I don't need another conference.

You definitely need another conference.

Dude, what are you doing here?

I got a text from P.J. about Andy.

Jennifer and I were still out,

and I thought, you know, maybe we could help.

Still out?

Yeah, we were at an after-hours joint, taking in some smooth jazz.

Dude, after-hours smooth jazz?

If she's willing to tolerate after-hours smooth jazz, you're in.

I am in.

Then why are you sitting here talking to me?

You said "conference." And why do you listen to me?

I don't know. Then get out of here.

Do I listen to that?

Dude, I'm not doing this again. No.

We've got to go.

Bye. See you later.

Okay. So where do we look now?

I don't know. We checked hospitals, we checked bars.

Hey, has anybody checked the bordellos?

Why would he be at a bordello?

And by the way, who uses the word "bordello"?

Fancy gentlemen do.

Oh, my God!

See, we could be a band, you know.

Andy?

My best old friends!

Guys, these are my best new friends.

My sweet, sweet sister.

God!

Do you got any weed?

No.

Una mas!

Guys, come on, please. We got to pick up the pace a little bit, all right?

We're going to be here forever.

We were out looking for Andy until three hours ago.

The inside of my head feels like it's made out of fur.

I feel like maybe crying.

I'm taking a break.

Break? No, no, no. We just got started.

Everybody pick up a box. Let's get a move on.

Come on. Hop to.

What's gotten into you?

Peak mind-body wellness, that's what.

I'm pure, people.

Now move!

Managers are most necessary when the people they're managing

need a lot of motivation.

See, that is the attitude that I'm talking about, people. Let's go!

Brendan, get out of my way.

You don't have to be so bossy about it. It's my move.

I like to feel like I'm in charge sometimes.

Hello.

Hi, Meredith!

Meredith, she's... I...

He is at the farmer's market

picking up some salad fixings.

You know, that's actually a funny story.

I borrowed his cell phone, and I lost it.

Yes. That is just like me.

Uh...

I will have him call you as soon as he gets back.

Bye.

Andy, you made me lie to Meredith.

Meredith.

What can I help with?

Kenny, why aren't you wearing what you wore last night?

'Cause I'm not disgusting?

Well, if you closed the deal with Jennifer,

you would be wearing what you wore last night,

so obviously, you didn't close the deal, did you?

You know what? It's none of your business.

That means no.

Get off my back. Let me handle things my way.

If you listen to me, she'd be handling your things.

Dude. You know what I mean?

I do, which is why I went, "Dude."

Fine. I'm done coaching you.

Fine. I don't want you to coach me.

Fine. You don't have a coach. Great. You're fired.

Oh, I wasn't even hired.

And you don't have power over me. You're not the boss of me.

Okay, you won that.

So how was it?

What?

Pretty good.

Nicely done.

Thank you.

In the course of doing their jobs,

some managers become unpopular with their players.

But there's really only one way to judge a manager.

Results.

Hey, do me a favor.

Don't tell Mike.

I don't want to give him the satisfaction.

Tell Mike what?

Hey, Andy!

Andy!

Hey, we're going to go over to Wendy's.

Get me a Frosty.

Biggie-size it.

You've had, like, 19 calories this weekend and I'm the one dragging ass.

And I feel better than I've felt my entire life.

Honestly, I thought you would have caved by now.

Come on, P.J. You know me too well.

Yeah. And I thought you would have caved by now.

Does Meredith get back tonight?

Yes, thank God!

She gets home, and I don't have to baby-sit that big, drunken lump.

You mean Fun Andy.

No, that was not Fun Andy.

Yes, it was. Don't you remember?

Fun Andy was the reason you spent your sweet sixteen party in the emergency room.

No, he had an allergic reaction.

To cocaine!

You take sweet little lovable Andy

and you cut him loose, and he turns into Mr. Hyde.

Or Doctor Jekyll.

Which one is the one with the fangs?

Dracula?

I don't know.

Hang on. Why did we call him Fun Andy?

You named him that.

I did?

You did.

I guess I was young.

And I'm sure, in a way, that you looked up to Fun Andy.

Yeah.

He is your big brother.

The good news is Andy's so hurting from last night,

he won't be thinking about alcohol for a while.

Oh, great, you're back!

Hey, where do you keep the limes?

Oh, come on! Are you crazy? Stop it!

Whoa, whoa. Settle down, Peej.

Before you go all Meredith on me,

I didn't mean to worry you last night...

No, wait. Hang on, this isn't about last night,

and I wasn't worried about you.

I'm mad at you!

I thought we were going to have this great weekend,

and you turn it into Jackass Spring Break.

I'm sorry about that. It's just that I never get a chance to let loose.

I mean, you're the one always saying

how tight Meredith keeps the reins on me.

See? She's all up in my business.

Hey, babe.

How was Wisconsin?

Yeah. Well, you haven't missed anything here.

P.J. and I have just been, you know, kickin' it.

Yeah. I did get a chance to look at some dishwashers.

Stainless steel is the way to go.

Yeah. So I'll see you tonight.

Can't wait.

Give Savannah a kiss.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Oh, my God.

Thank God for Meredith.

Come on.

I can't believe I'm going to hear myself say this, but...

You need Meredith.

If it weren't for Meredith, you would probably be dead by now,

or worse, on my couch being a jackass every weekend.

You totally need Meredith to put restrictions on you!

All managers have to motivate their players.

Like Meredith rules with an iron fist,

because it brings out the best in her player.

I wasn't a jackass.

Oh, yes, you were.

Maybe just a little bit.

Sorry. Sorry.

It's okay.

You can make it up to me next time.

Thanks.

I don't know why you made me drink so much.

I wanted to keep it low-key.

God, I'm going kill you!

Don't hit me here. It hurts me up here.

I got the best hangover cure in the world.

It's cold pizza, and it's in my fridge.

I'm totally going take care of you. You lie back.

In sports, coaches and managers

help players navigate the game.

In life, your friends and family fill that role.

I'm just so hungry.

Because when it comes down to it in the heat of the moment,

managing oneself is never as easy as it sounds.