Original subtitles

Superstars like famous athletes, celebrities, really beautiful people,

live in a different world than we do.

The Cubs are proud to announce the signing of veteran superstar Hernando Garcia.

They get to do things that most of us can only dream about.

It's like they've been touched by God.

I'm sure you'll all understand

Mr. Garcia's had a long flight in from San Diego.

He'll take your questions tomorrow.

Man, this is a total circus.

It doesn't make sense. The dude hasn't had a decent season in two years.

Yeah, but he's still a superstar.

I mean, the change of scenery might do him good.

He was really struggling in San Diego.

Yeah, better food in Chicago, that's for sure.

Oh, yeah. You tried that new hot dog joint on Kinzie?

The Wiener and Still Champion? You know it?

Okay. How about I'm flying, you're buying?

Done and done, son.

Guys, speaking of superstars...

Wow, Jack Brisco's here.

Oh, my God. He never works these press conferences anymore.

It's a huge story. Everybody's covering it.

Yeah, no fooling. I was gonna take the day off.

Yeah, somebody's dying to ride the new roller coaster over at Six Flags.

Ultimate Flight. It's gonna kick ass. And I'm not gonna cry.

Hey, man. Hey!

Hello, kiddies.

You as thrilled to be here as I am?

Well, well. We never see you mingling with us common folk.

You want my autograph?

I was supposed to get an exclusive interview with Senor Garcia,

but apparently he no like the press.

Wow. Even you, the great Jack Brisco.

Even the great Jack Brisco.

You call yourself "the great Jack Brisco."

How do you think it started?

God, what is it like to be him?

It's nice work if you can get it.

Yeah, I heard that Hernando is really superstitious.

Oh, God, yeah.

Does he still brush his teeth between innings?

No, but he has a chicken foot, and he rubs it on his right leg.

Hey, you know, I'm gonna have a Leinenkugel.

Ditto.

I'll have a glass of Shiraz, please.

We have Bud, Old Style, PBR...

No, no. It's a wine.

You should have it behind the bar.

Could you check?

Sure.

Meredith and I are taking a wine-tasting class, all right?

Her therapist suggested we do more stuff together,

so I signed up for the thing. It's...

Shiraz?

Big in Australia.

It's got a subtle chocolate nuance.

It's fantastic with a pork chop.

Hello, nurse. What is up, foxy lady?

"Foxy"? Really? What?

I think I've just never heard you use the term "foxy lady" before.

Then you've never heard me on my CB radio.

Maybe she's lost.

Hey, Dani.

Hi, babe.

Whoa. What?

- Damn. - What?

She... She knows him?

He's with her.

Did he win a contest or something?

Maybe she's hammered.

What did he do to his hair?

Why are you looking at him?

Hey, those are my friends right there.

Hey, everybody. This is Dani. Dani, this is everybody.

Hi, everybody. Hi.

This is Brendan and that's Kenny. Hi.

And that's Andy, and that's P.J.

Hi, T.J. P.J.

P.J. I've heard so much about you. It's nice to meet you.

Really?

Yeah. You're like the den mother, right?

Yeah, well... Wait. What?

Yeah, we don't have whatever that wine is, but we do have a house red.

Where's it from?

The bar.

Here you go.

Dani and I met the other night at the Belmont Club.

You guys would totally love it. It is so much fun.

I saw David Schwimmer there last week.

You did? I did.

He was on Friends.

The Belmont Club.

God, I'd never even get past the guy at the front door.

Who, Lonnie? He's a big teddy bear.

I bet he is. I bet he's a big old teddy bear.

I've got him wrapped around my little finger.

She does. She totally does.

I mean, I could get you guys in.

You know, even if you were dressed like that.

We would... We'd dress up.

Just let me know if you guys wanna go, okay?

Can I get you guys anything else?

Anyone? Anyone?

Stop it.

"Bueller? Bueller?" I think we're good.

Anyway, so we started talking, and I let him buy me a drink.

And now we're on for dinner.

We are going to Fontana.

First I thought he said, "Montana."

I was like, "That's a long way to go just for dinner."

It is. You'd have to pack a lunch for dinner.

I better go freshen up. It was nice meeting all of you. Bye.

Who are you guys?

Wow.

She is totally awesome.

Yeah. Cherry, cherry, cherry. Jackpot.

Mike, how do you... She... I mean...

I'm sorry, did I miss when you guys all got lobotomies?

You know what?

To be honest, I don't think she's that hot.

Are you blind? You're insane.

I'm trying to make her feel better.

She is smoking. You're out of your league.

Yeah, but in her defense, she's very young. She's only 23.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner. Well done.

Totally hot. Give it.

Give it. Give it. One more. You, too, chief.

Just like with Dani,

the light of a superstar can be so bright, it's actually blinding.

I'm going on the record. I think Dani's great.

Please.

Come on. She's cool. She's funny. She's sm...

Don't you dare say "smart."

Smurfy.

That's the only word you can think of that begins with "sm"?

You were gonna say "smart"

about a woman who thought she was having dinner in another state.

You know what, guys?

I feel like I've seen her before.

Okay. Does this help jog your memory?

Oh, Mr. Cable Man.

Yes?

I want all your channels.

Wow. Dinner and a movie.

I've seen this one.

No, I'm serious. I know her. I know Dani.

I don't know how, though.

P.J., you don't like her because she's so hot.

That is so not true.

I just get a bad vibe from her.

Well, she is still a fox.

Amen.

Speaking of foxes...

Okay, wait. Hang on. I'm sorry, you guys.

Is "fox" back?

Okay, I need some advice.

Who is it this time?

Greg from Business Affairs.

Greg from Business Affairs?

Sounds dreamy.

Anyway, he is very cute and a huge Bears fan.

Apparently his basement is loaded with Bears stuff,

so what can I get him to impress him?

Get him a bobblehead.

A bobblehead? What is he? Five?

No. That's a good call. Yeah.

Is it normal for a grown man to collect bobbleheads?

I got Jeter, Bonds, Count Chocula.

I got all the Rolling Stones, Ozzy Osbourne.

I got Maddux, Sandberg.

Nice.

Oh, my God. People, grow up.

Trust me, there are plenty of people

who do not deserve superstar treatment,

but for some reason, we still treat them like gods.

Hernando, do you think you'll see more pitches

with a lefty hitting behind you in the lineup?

You gotta be psyched about that.

Yeah.

Jack Brisco, Chicago Sun-Times.

Have you had a chance to go apartment hunting?

There's some good stuff out there.

Yo, Hernando, I'm talking to you.

Get a load of this guy.

He's a legend in his own mind.

I'm telling you, Cubs fans are not gonna put up

with this prima-donna crap, you know?

Especially if he keeps batting a buck-ninety like he did in San Diego.

Come on, Hernando. Quit being a tough guy.

Gotta give me something to work with, amigo.

Unless you want me to write a column about your god-awful taste in music.

You calling me old, you son of a bitch?

There's your story. It's official. "New Cub is a total dick."

Hey, it's not your job to editorialize, kiddo.

It's your job to make Garcia look good.

The Cubs are very excited about the acquisition of Hernando Garcia.

The veteran superstar is expected to play a key role

in their push toward the playoffs.

There you go.

I just wrote the first two sentences of your little beat column.

Good luck with the rest.

And that's another thing about superstars.

They get to act any way they want,

and we just have to sit there and take it.

Hey, we're here. Hey.

Why is Dani here?

Wow! Look at this place.

And why is it that superstars feel like

they're always invited to absolutely everything?

Check out the duds.

Dani picked them out for me.

I look like a rock star, right?

Yeah, she really captures your spirit.

Hi, D.J.

It's P.J.

Oh, my God. I've been telling everyone that your name is D.J.

It's P.J.

Everyone's been like, "D.J.? That's the cutest name for a girl."

But P.J. is good, too.

Stand back, people. It's the Cotes du Rhone.

It took 23 different grapes to make this exceptional wine.

Here's the thing about wine-tasting class.

I feel like it makes the wine drinker think that we care.

Some of us are interested in culture,

and some of us wear T-shirts from eighth grade.

Touche.

Hey, baby, do you wanna play?

No, no, no, no.

I'm just gonna wander around.

Sure? You can play.

I've been to Vegas a kabillion times.

I'm not really a gambler.

I usually just hang out by the bar.

That's the best place to meet people.

I bet it is.

Bet's on you, dude.

The bar at the Wynn, that's the best place on the planet.

Steve has done such an amazing job.

Yeah, Steve.

Wait, are we playing cards?

You know, we got the cards. We got the table.

Who needs? Who needs?

You know, I could use a larger glass.

The Cotes du Rhone is suffocating in this thing.

I could use a beer, please.

Okay. Thank you.

I love your afghan...

What?

What is your deal?

You don't bring guests to poker night without asking, okay?

My apartment is not the bar at the Wynn.

That's not the point. The point is you're being mean to Dani.

I don't trust her, okay? Believe me, I know this kind of woman.

Okay, I know she bugs you, all right?

But you have to learn to chill out just a little bit for Mike's sake.

All right, for Mike's sake.

But if she mangles my name one more time, I'm gonna kill her.

Fair enough, C.J.

Kill...

Kenny's attempt at humor.

Hey, you guys, Mike and I are going to a Bear game on Sunday.

I've got four tickets,

plus I have these passes to the V.I.P. Club inside the stadium.

You guys wanna go?

Are you kidding? Absolutely.

How'd you get the tickets?

My friend Brian, he works for the team.

In the front office?

He's on the team.

Brian. Brian Urlacher?

God.

So, it's all settled? Sunday, we have a date?

Yeah, a date.

Can you get any more tickets?

No, I'm sorry. Do you know someone else who'd like to go?

What about Peej?

Who's Peej?

Thank you.

Steph, they're driving me crazy.

They act like morons in front of this girl.

Hot women have that effect on men.

It's been that way since the beginning of time.

Yeah, it's like they've all joined the cult of Dani.

Being a perfect 10 must be a full-time job, don't you think?

Right.

I mean, facials, workouts, the loofah.

No wonder they're so thin. They don't have time to eat.

I know, and they make me feel like Madeleine Albright.

You've gotta be kidding me.

What's wrong?

"Cub fans will not tolerate a prima donna in the lineup,

"especially if he continues to bat

"a buck-ninety like he did in San Diego."

Oh, my God. That son of a bitch!

Who? What? What's wrong?

Jack Brisco.

He stole my article, and after he told me not to write it.

This was my idea.

Can he do that?

I guess the great Jack Brisco can do whatever he wants.

Ultimately superstars don't have to play by the same rules as we do.

They can get away with murder.

Seriously.

I mean, some of them have, haven't they?

What are you gonna do about Jack Brisco?

I'm gonna kill him.

Jack Brisco, Dani...

I think it's officially a spree.

No. You need three for a spree.

He totally ripped me off.

Yeah, but look, here's the thing about your article.

Your instincts were dead on.

You know, you kind of ended up on the front page of the Sports section. That's huge.

Well, I guess.

Wait.

Wait. I got it!

I got it.

God, I hate it when he does that.

No, no, no, no. I got it. I know who Dani is.

First of all, her name's not Dani. It's Linda Miller.

Wait. What? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

She went to high school with me back in Minneapolis.

She was a sophomore when I was a senior.

And she wouldn't really recognize me,

'cause she didn't really hang out with the guys who played Dungeons & Dragons.

I was a fifth-level fighter.

Seventh-level druid.

Now, see, Dani was even kind of a local celebrity back then,

'cause she was so hot.

She even went out with Prince a couple times.

He's coming next month.

We gotta go. I know a guy.

Here's the best part, though, okay?

She was briefly engaged to one of the dudes on the Vikings.

Oh, no.

But she dumped him for one of the dudes on the Bulls.

I think it was Luc Longley.

Oh, no. Oh, no. You guys, this is bad.

Do you realize what this means?

It means Mike is an in-betweener.

She's gonna dump him as soon as she meets a Bull, a Cub, or a Chili Pepper.

Maybe she really likes him.

No. She's one of those girls who only dates famous people.

She is gonna break his heart.

We've got to tell him something.

Slow down, okay? I mean, you gotta let Mike have his fun.

She is the hottest chick he's ever gonna date.

Plus he won't listen.

She is the hottest chick he's ever gonna date.

Yeah. I mean, Mike is totally lost in Dani-land right now.

She is the hottest chick he's ever gonna date.

All right, but, so what are we gonna do?

We're just gonna stand by while she just throws him under the bus?

Ix-nay on the ani-day.

Hey. What's going down? Hey.

Hey, guys. Hi, P.J.

Hi. I didn't forget.

Hey, P.J., Mike just told me that you cover the Cubs.

I do.

Well, I can totally get you interviews with anyone you want.

I know all the Cubbies.

I mean, I had dinner with Hernando Garcia last night.

You did?

I can call him for you.

That would be great.

It's no problem. Just let me know.

Oh, my God, that's so nice of you. Thank you so much.

Wow.

Dude, what is on your ass?

I know, man. She has great taste, right?

Oh, God.

This is a fantastic bottle of Pinot Noir.

Yeah. Sunday morning, football, Pinot Noir...

Who knew?

Dorito? I brought my own gouda.

Okay, I have a question.

Why are they kicking it now?

Because the guys in the white pants

had three chances to move the ball, and they suck.

And that's bad? That's bad.

Come on, Lovie! Would it kill you to throw the ball on first down? I mean...

You see, the coach can actually hear him through the TV.

Do they all get like this?

You're killing me!

Okay, I'm having second thoughts about Greg from Business Affairs.

God, I wonder where Dani's seats are.

I wonder what or who she did to get them.

Hey, stop knocking her.

She's getting you that interview with Hernando Garcia.

Oh, God, don't remind me. I feel so icky.

All right, does it make me like a total hypocrite

taking something from that woman?

Yes, it does.

But... "But..." Rationalize.

Come on. Give me a "but."

You should take it. It's too good of an opportunity.

You know, I'm gonna go through with it just to see if she actually knows him.

That's your excuse?

That is what I am going with, yes.

Right.

This is awesome. Thank you so much, Dani.

My pleasure. Hey, make yourselves at home. It's an open bar.

The two greatest words in the English language.

I'm gonna say hi to some friends. I'll be right back, okay?

Dudes, that is my future wife.

That's Mrs. Michael Callahan, man.

I am officially off the market.

Well, I mean, she's hot, yeah,

but, you know, how well do you really know her?

20 bucks we'll be engaged by Christmas.

Dude, we should take that bet.

What? Congratulations.

Thanks, guys. Hey, you want a beer?

Sure. Yeah, yeah.

I'll be right back. Okay.

This is bad. Yeah. This has gotta end now.

Somebody's gotta tell him.

I'm not gonna do it.

Yo, you guys are much closer, okay? You do it. You do it.

Uh...

I think she's doing our job for us right now.

What... That's the new guy from the Bulls.

Yeah.

Man, she works fast.

You gotta do it, man. I'm not doing it.

Gotta do it. Quick, like a Band-Aid. Just do it.

No, you're doing it.

Damn.

Hey, roshambo? I wanna play.

The waitress will be right here with our drinks.

But remember, this isn't Crowley's, okay?

This place is big time, so you better step up, crank out a buck.

Okay, Mike, I'm gonna do something now.

I want you to keep in mind I'm doing this out of love,

deepest regard for you, for our relationship as friends, and as men.

Are you about to whack me?

Would you dudes excuse me for a second?

Yeah. Yeah.

You're a good friend, Kenny.

Had to be done.

What's up, man?

I'll talk to you later, all right.

Hey, what's up with the big guy?

Mike, we need to talk.

Wow. That's...

Tough. Yeah.

So tough.

It's totally cool. You're so sweet.

Thanks.

We don't have to leave the Stadium Club, do we?

I'm not going anywhere till I get my beer.

Me, too.

Hey, Jack.

Not now, kiddo. I am late for a buffet.

You took my story on Hernando Garcia

after you told me not to write it.

Yeah. You wish.

"Cub fans will not tolerate a prima donna in the lineup.

"New cub is a total dick." Those were my words.

Whoa. Slow down.

See, you can't write that column.

They would have you covering tea parties up in Kenilworth

if you penned a column like that.

You're a beat writer, kiddo. You do facts and stats.

It doesn't mean you can...

You can't write that kind of stuff.

Hey, P.J. Yes?

This must be your lucky day.

Hernando would like an interview with you.

You're friends with a young lady named Dani?

Yes.

Yes, I am.

He'll meet you at his locker bay.

Okay. I'll just be there in a second.

You gotta be kidding me.

I'm sorry. You were saying?

You think you're pretty slick, don't you?

Kind of.

I'll see you later, kiddo.

I'm P.J. Franklin, Chicago Sun-Times.

Do we... Interpreter?

I don't need one. Do you?

Please, come on. Sit down.

This is quite a place you got here.

It's a fixer-upper.

Couple of curtains and some paint... You know.

Wow, that's a great shirt you got there.

Really? I got one in blue. It was just a 2-for-1 sale.

No. The color looks great on you.

You're trying to flatter me.

Any friend of Dani's is a friend of mine.

All right. So...

You're busy. We'll just get at the interview.

Sports section, front page.

Man, that is cool.

And you know what? Hernando's actually a great guy.

Oh, my God.

What? He was really nice, all right?

Are you kidding? After all the flak you gave us about hanging out with Dani?

What? He bats his eyes at you and now you're a fan of Hernando Garcia?

All right, listen, guys. If I don't fill

my broken heart with alcohol very soon,

I'm going to start crying. Please.

No, you know what? I'm really sorry.

Dani was very pretty.

No, I mean, she was perfect.

Hey, look, I know Dani made you feel like a rock star,

but you are a rock star, okay?

You gotta find yourself a girl who's, you know, real.

Find a nice girl from Naperville.

I know, but how am I supposed to do that?

How about nicegirlfromnaperville.com?

Seriously, we're going to dot-com jokes now?

It'll all I had. I'm sorry.

Okay, okay. Who needs?

I need, please. I need.

I do, too. Andy, a lovely Riesling or perhaps a full-bodied Merlot?

You know, I've come to the conclusion

after weeks and weeks of extensive research

that wine is dumb.

Get me a beer, any beer. Nicely put.

Okay, so, Hernando's a dick, but he wasn't a dick to me.

And I guess that's the thing about superstars.

It's completely unfair, but we put up with it,

because when we're in their presence, we get to feel like one, too.