Original subtitles

No doubt about it. The guys and I are a team that really works.

And now that I'm dating Hank,

well, it's kind of like I went out and picked up the free agent

that's gonna make our team better and finally bring me a championship.

And the streak continues, people.

Yeah, well, don't expect it to continue tonight at Crowley's.

The decathlon is a whole different thing.

The decathlon starts tonight?

You're kidding, right?

Everybody put it on their calendar, like, a year ago.

Oh, my God. What's the decathlon?

It's just stupid.

I didn't realize it was tonight.

I have dinner with Hank in a half an hour.

P.J., it's the decathlon. Hmm.

Will somebody please tell me what the hell the decathlon is?

Yes. Every year we do 10 games over five nights at Crowley's.

Board games, word games, thumb fighting.

It's me and P.J. versus Mike and Brendan.

Losers have to buy drinks for the winners for a month.

See? Stupid.

Dude, it's not stupid, okay?

Why don't you guys just move it a night?

Move the decathlon?

Blasphemer!

Okay, why do I have to have a boyfriend now?

Look, why don't you just tell Hank that you'll see him this weekend?

Yeah, I can't.

Bobby and I are going to Pittsburgh with the Cubs on Wednesday.

Andy can take my place.

Huh? Huh?

Really? Seriously? Okay.

You know, two seconds ago

I just heard you say that the decathlon was stupid.

Yeah, well you know, it is stupid if I wasn't participating.

Are you gonna be good? Because P.J.'s really good.

I'm gonna be... I'm gonna try my best.

That's not very good. Oh, one of those people

who says stupid things like that.

Okay, team conference in the kitchen.

Team conference. All right.

All right, I'm out. I gotta go get changed for dinner with the boyfriend.

Ooh. Why, Miss Preen, I've never noticed you in the secretarial pool before.

Okay, I was gonna tell this to P.J.

We gotta let Mike have the last pick

because you know he's gonna pick thumb fighting.

Kenny, it's time you faced the truth about thumb...

My God.

I've been working out. This thing's been pulling on a rubber band for 12 months.

Look at the size of your thumb.

Damn right. Okay, Mike wants to have the last pick,

we're gonna let him have the last pick.

We're gonna lay low for the first nine games,

and then boom! I'm gonna whip this out.

Give me that.

Are you ready? Yeah.

I'm not messing with you.

It's our secret. Come on.

Yes, sir.

Hey, you guys, Hank bought me this top. I need your honest opinion.

Man buys a nice top.

Looks broken.

Hey, we're gonna give you guys first choice, which means we get last pick.

No problem. We'll start with Jenga.

No, you can't start with Jenga. I wanna watch Jenga.

Whoa, you made your choice there, P.J.

You know, we'd all like to put on a pretty top and go out tonight,

but some of us take the decathlon very seriously.

I take the decathlon seriously.

Do you? Really?

Hey, Hank. I wanted to know if you wanted to...

Oh, God, no. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.

It's just I'm at Crowley's right now and I was...

No, I'll be fast. God, give me a minute. Geez, I just...

I can't make our date tonight.

It's Jim from the paper. God.

And you don't know him, but let's just say that Jim's pulling a Jim

and I am stuck.

Um, I have to go to a park.

I don't even know which one.

And... Right, Jim.

So, rain check?

Yes, so one minute I am happily wearing this weird top

on my way to dinner, then the next minute, boom, I'm lying.

This lie just pops out of my mouth and I don't even know where it came from.

Just give yourself a break.

Yeah, but what does it mean that I would lie to my boyfriend like that?

What kind of lunatic picks a night at Crowley's

over dinner at a 4-star restaurant?

And there's more, okay?

Hank doesn't exactly love hanging out with the guys, right?

So if I had invited him,

I would have ended up baby-sitting him the whole time,

and quite frankly, it would have made my night less fun.

You're unbelievable. Just don't do anything stupid.

Like what?

Like telling Mr. Perfect the truth.

Oh, I think I have to.

I mean, what kind of relationship do you have

if you can't come clean with the person you're with?

A relationship that will last.

Look, it's like faking an orgasm,

or telling somebody that their baby is cute.

These are good lies. Nobody gets hurt.

But if you start getting all honest on the man,

then he's gonna think that he can't trust you.

Maybe he'll trust me more because I told him.

It doesn't work that way.

Come on. I gotta go.

All right. Tonight's game, $25,000 Pyramid.

All right. You picked, we go first.

Let's do this.

Dude. We should have conferred on this.

Oh, no, no. Pyramid's a winner. Believe me.

It's not my best game.

It's not about how good you are, all right?

I've seen Andy play Pyramid. What do you mean?

Okay, just give me a clue. Clock's ticking.

Uh...

Anything. Just say anything.

Nothing.

Oh, oh. Right.

Okay, you have to say something.

You gotta just say any word at this point.

We're running out... A clue. Please. Okay. All right.

Clue, clue, clue, clue. All right!

Just give me a clue.

You're just going "c-c-c-c," and I don't know if it's a fit or a clue.

It's round.

A basketball. Baseball.

No, no, no, no. The world.

A planet. No, no, no, no.

No, it's not, but it's not round.

It's round.

Uh, it's a car without a top.

Broken car.

No, no, no. Uh... It's the kind of car you might take to the beach,

but it's a car where you push a button and the top comes down.

Beach car?

I don't know if you have a virus or why you don't work properly.

You're not still giving me hints, are you?

That's money. Whoo.

What was it, a dune buggy? A convertible.

The great free agent pick-up makes everybody better.

He takes the pressure off the rest of the team,

everybody settles into their new roles,

and the team moves things up to a whole new level.

So I was thinking.

After you get back from the road trip, let's go away for a few days.

Oh, yeah?

I wanna take you someplace special, someplace romantic,

like Barcelona.

The one in Spain?

I already booked the trip.

Look, I know it's crazy, but wouldn't it be fantastic?

Hank, you're killing me here.

What?

Okay, I gotta be honest with you.

If you're mad at me, I will understand, okay?

I was not working last night.

I was at Crowley's with the guys.

You see, we do this, like, decathlon with board games,

and it sounds really stupid.

It is really stupid, but it's sort of the point,

and I kind of just wanted to stay and do that,

and I thought that...

I don't know, if I told you, that you would think it's stupid.

Why? No, if that's what you want to do, it's fine.

Really? Thank you.

Yeah. Thank you.

When I was in my 20s, I hung out in bars with a bunch of friends.

Everybody goes through that phase.

It's actually not a phase.

No, hey, look, I know you're going through a time in your life

where you're supposed to screw around.

You know, it's fun. Do it. But when you...

And I don't wanna say grow up... Then don't.

You'll find, as you get older, a lot of that stuff just falls away.

Your closest friends just fall away?

You know what I mean, okay? Things change.

And when you look back on it, this whole chunk of your life...

It will look like another planet, okay?

I just... I want to take you to Barcelona.

What was the last vacation you went on?

Milwaukee. The guys and I went on beer plant tours.

You know what they say.

Milwaukee is the Barcelona of Wisconsin.

Oh.

Sorry!

You're not sorry, okay? You're not sorry at all.

You know what? Apology not accepted.

I'd like a sincere apology.

It's sorry with an exclamation point.

There's no apology. It's I'm sorry for you.

Sorry. Get out of here.

Oh, it is a game of revenge, isn't it?

Oh, I can't wait to get out of Pittsburgh.

Man, the Cubs are frustrating this year.

I mean, they just can't win on the road, either.

I know. It's a weird phenomenon, isn't it?

How a team can have such great stats

and the players can look so strong, but something is just missing.

Yeah, it is.

So how are you and Hank doing these days?

What made you just think that? Nothing.

It's just, you know, you two seem to be doing really well.

We are.

Hank's good.

Yeah, it seems like it. Yeah, it is.

How about you and Claire? Um...

You know, we haven't broken up yet,

but I am dodging her phone calls, so pretty good.

Good.

You know what? I like this.

What do you mean?

Just this.

You and me talking.

I feel like we finally got to a really good place.

Yeah, yeah. Me, too. Me, too.

There was just sort of that unspoken thing before, you know?

Yeah, right.

It just kind of made it hard with the group,

and, you know, was I one of the guys,

or was I your maybe boyfriend or...

It was just confusing.

Yeah, it was.

So, um, here is to not being confused.

Cheers.

What the hell was that?

I have no idea.

I don't know what just happened.

Well, sometimes a man and a woman get a special feeling...

Shut up! I'm sorry.

I mean, I'm, you know, seeing Hank.

I care about him.

Obviously.

I'm serious.

I know. I know.

That's why you, you know, slept with me.

You don't like Hank, do you? I mean, none of you guys like him.

How could we not like him? We don't even know him.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God. How could I have done this?

Hey, listen, don't be too hard on yourself, okay?

I mean, we're a long ways from home and we had too much to drink,

and, you know, we were curious.

At least I know I was curious.

Hey, you wanna know what was kind of, like, weird?

That it was kind of...

Weird.

Yeah.

It was good weird.

Yeah, good weird. Not bad weird.

No, it was far from... Far from bad weird. Absolutely.

Well, the good news is I think we're still friends.

Yeah.

All right, top five answers are on the board.

Tell me your heaviest piece of furniture.

Piano. Oh, good answer. Good answer.

Show me piano. Ding, ding, ding, ding.

Oh, there it is!

Number two answer. Oh. Number two.

Brendan, tell me your heaviest piece of furniture.

Thousand-pound bed. Thousand-pound bed.

That's it. That's it.

Why would you say 1,000-pound bed?

Show me... It's not up there.

Damn it!

Gumdrop Mountain.

You're this way. Chocolate swamp.

Drink it up in the chocolate swamp.

I love Candy Land!

It's too hard.

It's for ages three and up.

Yeah, all right. Orange by Princess Frostine.

She's kind of cute.

Bonjour, Princess.

I hope that's a lollipop.

You did what?

Don't look at me like that.

What were you thinking, sleeping with Bobby?

And how was it?

I don't know what I was thinking, and it was a solid B.

Perfect attendance. Didn't turn in all of his homework.

So wait. Are you and Bobby together now?

No, no, no. We both agreed it was a stupid mistake.

It just happened. I mean, I don't know why.

Good God, I have to tell you why you do everything.

Finally you understand.

You slept with Bobby as part of your process

of checking out emotionally with Hank.

What?

You want this relationship with Hank to end,

but you don't want to admit it to yourself.

So you sleep with somebody else so you'll be forced to face the facts.

That's stupid.

I agree, but that's what you do.

Yeah. I have never done anything like that in my life, okay?

Stewart Ganz.

You slept with Charlie Hornsby

so that you could break up with Stewart Ganz.

And then you were stuck with Charlie Hornsby for six months,

until you finally admitted that was over

by sleeping with Evan Schultz.

All right, all right, all right.

You made your point. God.

The way to get over someone is to get under somebody new.

Did you just make that up? Maybe.

I hope so, 'cause that was really good.

Yeah, that was great. Straight to the point.

All right, boys. Last night. All comes down to this.

Don't be cocky. You're only up by one. One.

Yeah, and the last one! Last game is our pick.

Is it? Oh, well, pick away. Yeah.

Well, I'm gonna pick something new.

What? What do you mean, new?

I wanna play something we've never played before.

No, what was that thing we did last year?

Or the year before? That was fun. What was that?

Oh yeah, yeah. We did the thumb fight.

Oh, yeah. That was stupid,

and definitely not happening again.

What do you mean? That's what we end on.

That's the tradition. We end on thumb fighting.

Yeah, I like traditions.

Yeah, not this year.

Ah, oh.

Rock'em, Sock'em Robots.

Let's set it up. Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, if we must.

Make him pay. I'm gonna.

When you've invested so much in a free agent and then he just...

Well, he starts dropping flies and striking out,

a part of you still doesn't want to let him go.

You just keep hoping that things will turn around.

Oh, hey. I brought you something.

Wow, thanks. Wow.

Yeah, wow.

So open it.

It's beautiful.

And our tickets came for Barcelona.

We're crazy if we don't take a day trip to Montserrat.

Uh, we're booked for six days, seven nights at the Hotel Arts.

Hank... I know, it's a Ritz Carlton,

but I'm telling you, you'll never stay at a better hotel.

It's close to the beach. It's close to the center of town.

It's close to the Porto Olimpico... Hank, just hold on one...

Oh, and at the Bar Marina...

But, finally, you're forced to face the fact

that it's just not a matter of being a good fit.

Sometimes both of you are better served

if he just goes and plays somewhere else.

Hank,

I don't know if I can do this.

Oh, well, we don't have to stay for the full week.

No, I'm... We'll go for four days.

I mean this.

Begin.

So you go to Pittsburgh for a couple days

and all of a sudden we're not working out?

Hank, I adore you, you know.

No, come on. I think you're a fantastic guy.

But I think... I think we want different things, you know?

Look, I don't care

if you like hanging out at Crowley's with your friends

and playing games or whatever it is that you do.

I need beer! I need beer!

I'm getting sweaty! I'm getting sweaty!

Going down.

Come on!

I know that, but you think it's just a phase.

Well, it is a phase. Trust me.

The things that seem fun when you're younger...

No, but come on. They're not just fun, okay?

These are my friends, you know? This is my life.

And maybe there are people

that can keep their boyfriend in one part of their life

and their friends in another part, but I can't do that.

You know, I don't want to do that.

You got nothing. Is that your best punch?

You got nothing! You got nothing! You got...

Hanging out at Crowley's with those guys drinking beer,

you know, it's just... It's not my thing.

I know that, but it's not just that, okay? It's bigger than that.

It's like...

If I have to drag you to some Buster Keaton festival, right,

or square dancing lessons, and you don't want to go,

I can live with that.

But if you don't get my friends,

you don't get me.

I'm sorry.

Yeah. Me, too.

Kenny, is there something wrong?

No. I'm cool.

How can you be down? We tied. We didn't lose.

A tie is a loss.

You know, you could have played

if you'd kicked Hank to the curb a week earlier.

What, you broke up with Hank?

Yeah. It wasn't really working out.

I, for one, knew that he was on the way out.

Hey, just for the sake of argument, it was this week?

Yes!

Is that what you called? That is. Pay it up. Come on.

Couldn't have held out till Halloween, could you?

Wait a second here.

You guys bet on when I would break up with Hank?

Oh, yeah. We do it for all the guys you date.

It's the first time I've lost.

Oh, I'm so sorry to disappoint you.

Well, now that he's history, I think it's safe to tell you

that Mike couldn't stand him.

Oh, I liked him more than you did.

That's not saying much.

All right, you guys. That's enough, okay?

She's right. We should stay out of her private life.

But do you remember that guy you dated, he was...

He was in the Heart cover band.

Oh, Nancy Wilson.

No, no, no. He played Nancy Wilson. His name was Gary.

That's right, but he made everybody call him Barracuda.

Okay, wait a second. You're one to talk.

What about that chick that you dated that did this all the time. You remember?

Dude, she was good with her hands.

Oh, God, P.J., remember that guy in college,

that philosophy major with that little Dutch boy haircut

that tried to sneak into your room?

Okay, that was Greg Zonar, and I didn't date him. He was stalking me.

Mike stalked a girl once, but Mike stalks a lot of girls.

Wow. Okay, do we have a problem here?

I think he's still upset about the decathlon.

What are you upset about, man, all right? You pulled off a tie.

He's obsessed with the thumb fight.

Oh, you want a thumb fight? Yeah.

You can't handle a thumb fight. I think I'm entitled.

Let's get this over with. Fine. We start and finish on three.

No fingernails. No disengaging your grip early.

In the event of a dispute, we're gonna bring in...

I know the rules of the thumb fight. Let's do it.

All right. Just getting the rules down.

One, two, three, four. I declare a thumb war. Bang!

One, two, three.

Can we play cards now, please?

Hey, hey don't feel bad. You did better than last year, okay?

It was odd. It was like little girl hands.

Oh, man. You trashed him.

Get 'em up.

So what are you left with when a free agent turns out to be a bust?

I mean, it can seem like you're right back where you started,

but you're not,

because now you have more of a sense of your team's identity.

You know better what works for it and what doesn't,

and that's gonna come in handy next season when another free agent becomes available.