Original subtitles

Stephanie's taken to calling my boyfriend, Hank, Mr. Perfect.

But not without good reason.

You see, in baseball, there's a rare breed of player

known for having the five tools.

They do all the big things well.

They hit for average and power, are fast,

have strong arms, and are great in the field.

Hank is what you'd call a five-tool boyfriend.

He's successful, intelligent, charming, handsome...

And he's great in bed, too, right?

I knew it. The man's perfect.

Oh, trust me, Steph, he's not perfect, okay?

He drives so slow, he puts black pepper on everything,

and, you know, he moonwalks.

I'm sorry, what?

Hank moonwalks.

Like Michael Jackson?

Oh, I wish.

More like Andrew Jackson, or Kate Jackson,

or any other Jackson that cannot moonwalk.

That's so cute.

I know. It's perfect.

No, you hang up first.

Okay, ready, one, two, three.

I knew you weren't gonna do it.

Oh, my God, would you hang up the phone, please?

Okay, I'm gonna go. Bye.

Sorry, it was Hank.

I thought we said no more phone calls while we're playing.

Dude, I thought that was for Andy.

Hey, Meredith's got me ignoring FAA regulations.

Like I'm gonna turn it off here.

So when are we actually gonna get to hang out with Hank?

What, you guys haven't hung out together?

No. He takes you to fancy places. That's all we know.

Yeah, and we're not allowed in fancy town.

I was there once. It was fun.

Well, we should totally hang out.

He's so great. You guys are going to love him.

And what if we don't like him?

You will. Yeah, but what if we don't?

It would be like you and Wendy.

I like Wendy.

Just because we don't hang out doesn't mean I don't like her.

But you don't like her.

You don't.

I like Wendy.

She doesn't.

I like Wendy, okay?

What, you know what? I would hang out more with her.

It's just that we're, you know...

Busy. Right, right, right. Busy.

Well, I will remember that you said that.

Great.

Well, looks like the game's over. We're out of beer.

No, don't worry about it. Trouty's bringing some.

Oh, dude, Trouty's the worst.

Wait a minute. Trouty?

Is he the hugger guy? Yeah.

You know I'm not comfortable with that.

I thought he moved to Cleveland.

No. They sent him back.

Adding a disruptive personality to any group

can cause all kinds of problems.

In baseball, that person's called a "clubhouse cancer."

With us, he's Trouty.

I'm confused. Who's Trouty?

Trouty's a guy I grew up with.

His father supplies the popcorn

pretty much to all the major stadiums

and fairgrounds in the Midwest.

So, what, is he some kind of a dick or something?

No. No, he's too harmless to be a dick.

He's just kind of a bad hang is all.

You know, it's like a struggle to talk to him.

Things he says just makes you cringe.

All right. Hey. All right, lay off. He's a good guy.

You're just saying that 'cause he gets you stuff.

No, he doesn't.

Dude, he got you the shoes you're wearing.

He knew my size.

Oh, my God. That's so creepy, dude.

I'm pretty sure that nobody else here

knows anybody else's shoe size.

Dude, I don't even know my own shoe size.

Ten-and-a-half. I'm sorry, what?

Oh, my God.

Hey, Andy, are you gonna play or what?

No, seriously, I have to go.

I'm taking Savannah to the American Girl Cafe

for the daddy/daughter/ dolly breakfast thing tomorrow morning.

Oh, my God. Is it your doll or hers?

It's not that bad. The doll pays.

All right, well, I'm taking your properties.

Schnap, stop being so pouty 'cause here comes the Trouty. What's up, L.A. Law?

Bring me the sugar, come on.

Sorry I've been gone, guys.

I was up in Kzoo, got myself into a beef. Had to stay an extra night.

My bad.

Ken-dawg, what's up?

Oh, schnap, before I forget, I got you that iPod charger that you wanted.

Oh, thanks, man.

Diamond Mike. Got your message.

Schnap, man, really. I'm sorry I couldn't hit you back.

B, looking big. Let me check that. You been in the gym?

There we go.

Yeah, you are. Look at that. Look at them guns.

P.J., looking lovely as ever.

Oh, gotcha.

You got me.

What's up, new guy?

Oh, Bobby, Trouty.

Man, nice to meet you.

No, no, come on. Let's love. Yeah, yeah.

All right, let me just put those brews in the fridge.

Oh, dude!

Got it. Safe.

Wow, guys, he is...

Wow. And his handshake was so, like, clammy.

He slips you the fish, right?

That's why they call him Trouty.

All right, you know what? He's a good friend of mine.

And you know what? He's kind of fun.

Hey, nice people, check it. I've been doing that Krav Maga.

Ken-dawg, punch me in the stomach as hard as you possibly can.

I swear to God.

Could I hit you, please? Go.

Hey, let me grab my bat. Go.

I just can't believe that Hank and the guys have never hung out before.

Are you afraid of that?

No. Not at all.

Uh-huh.

What? Seriously.

It's not that easy, anyhow. I mean, everybody's very busy.

Isn't that your Wendy excuse?

Well, what do you want me to do,

ambush Hank and the guys and force them to hang out?

See, now there's an idea.

I'm thinking about getting hair extensions.

Well, that was kind of what we were just talking about.

I think that guys like long hair.

Okay, so we're not going back at all.

No. Okay.

Well, I like the short hair. It's so Stephanie.

And Stephanie's been single for too long.

Well, don't get anything weird pierced.

Hello?

Hey, P.J., it's Wendy.

Oh, hey, Bren's not home. I'll tell him you called, though.

Oh, no, wait, P.J., I'm calling for you.

Brendan told me you really want to get together sometime.

He did, did he?

Yeah, so what do you say we get together next weekend? My treat.

Yes.

Great! Then I'll...

I'll see you next weekend. Ciao.

Who was that?

That was Wendy.

She wants to hang out. Just the two of us.

Like one on one.

Oh, God.

There's no rule that says you have to

hang out with your friends' significant others.

And I certainly wasn't looking forward to hanging out with Wendy.

So what did Wendy do to make you dislike her so much?

Oh, I don't dislike her. I like her.

Okay, so you do like her?

Well, kind of.

Okay, it's just that there are a couple of annoying things about her.

She always says "goodbye" and "thank you" in some foreign language,

and she carries this giant handbag

with the entire contents of the known universe inside of it.

Oh, and she does not laugh like a normal human being,

because when she finds something funny,

she just lets out this one, single, emphatic "ha."

Ha?

Oh, no. It's more like this.

Ha!

Sorry.

Well, I hope your friends aren't as hard on me as you are on Wendy.

Hey, you know, honestly, they don't know you very well.

I mean, you guys haven't really gotten a chance to hang out, you know?

Well, I mean, that's just 'cause we're all so...

Busy. Yeah. Yeah, I know. Busy, yeah.

Why is it that Hank and the guys never hang out?

Am I hiding Hank from them?

Hey, you know what we never do?

We never stay over at my place.

Well, that's because you have a roommate.

Houseguest.

And he's actually staying at his fiancee's.

Good morning.

No, wait, wait. Be my blanket.

Blanket or coffee?

Coffee, duh.

I will be right back.

God, it kills me. Why do you do that with your face?

What? It would make sense if I had the...

The hat and glove.

What's up, dude?

Hey, bro.

Hey.

Your friends are on the couch.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, my God. The Bears game. I totally forgot.

The Bears game.

We all sort of watch every Bears game over at my place.

Uh-huh.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Why didn't you just tell me you wanted me

to get a chance to hang with your friends?

'Cause this was cuter?

Hey, you guys. I'm gonna go just get changed,

so Hank's gonna hang out with you guys for a little bit, okay?

Sure.

I'll be back in a little bit.

Oh, hey, the Vikings, huh?

Daunte Culpepper is a good QB.

Actually, Culpepper's on Miami now.

Really? Yeah.

All the Fins had to give up was a second-rounder.

Yeah, and the Dolphins totally get the better end of that deal, right, Hank?

Totally.

I don't know, man. I think the Vikings made out there.

You know, Culpepper's coming off major knee surgery.

Well, I mean, there is that.

You're on crack. Culpepper's an MVP quality quarterback.

You just don't give that up, right, Hank?

Absolutely.

I mean, what's your backup plan gonna be?

Brad Johnson?

Okay, so I took your advice.

What advice?

The ambush.

I set it up so Hank and the guys have to hang out together.

So how's it going?

I don't know. They're in the living room by themselves.

You got your man and your boys chilling all together?

What's wrong with you?

I'm trying on wigs to see how I would look with long hair,

and I don't know, they just... They overtake me.

Okay, I gotta go. I gotta go get changed.

All right, then. Holler.

Oh, God.

No matter what, it's a great move for Culpepper.

I got two words for you, South Beach. Hank, back me up.

South Beach.

Hey, hey.

Trouty.

Really?

What's up, fi-zellas?

Cafe Americano, two Splendas.

Oh, you're the man.

Damn, a new, new guy?

Hey, I'm Hank.

This is Trouty.

What's up, easy street? How you feeling?

What is that? That's nice.

All right, player.

What's going on with the Lions game?

We don't get the Lions game.

It's a satellite, isn't it? Yeah.

Then you get the Lions game.

All you need is a screwdriver.

Dude, we're watching the Bears, man.

Calm down, B. We'll switch in between. It'll be tight.

Trouty, are you even sure you know what you're doing back there?

Yeah. All you gotta do is strip down to the wires, and the rest is cream cheese.

Oh, dude. Come on.

Dude, you just killed the TV.

One sec.

How about now, is it on?

No

Now? No.

How about now?

No!

Schnap.

So what do we do now? We miss the game.

No, no, we'll just go down to Crowley's and watch the game there.

We'll deal with this later.

I'd mess up some Crowley's right now.

Let's get out of here.

Yo, yo, Hank, we're just gonna head down to the corner bar

and watch the game. Meet us there?

Yeah, we'll try and swing by.

Crowd love.

You'd think a five-tool player

would hit it out of the park every time.

All right. What did I miss? What did I miss?

They don't.

What happened?

Oh, Bears lost by 10.

I mean to you guys hanging out with Hank.

The other night, you asked me why he's never around,

and then you ditch him at the first opportunity?

We don't have it in ourselves to ditch Trouty, all right?

Why would we ditch Hank?

I don't know. Doesn't seem like you tried very hard.

Well, Hank's all right. You know.

Not much of a football fan, but, you know, good guy.

Yeah. He is.

All right, fine. If it makes you feel better,

I will get the guys together for a night out with Hank, okay?

Really?

Yeah, sure. Least I can do.

After all, you're making the effort to get to know Wendy, right?

And I'm excited.

Sometimes all it takes to neutralize a clubhouse cancer

is finding even one person who can handle their personality.

I don't think I'm that person.

Hey, Wendy. Oh, oh, two.

I am so glad that we're doing this.

Yeah, me, too.

So, where are we off to?

Oh, well...

I'd suggest a cafe around the corner, but I've already eaten.

Oh, me, too.

I don't suppose you want to watch the game, huh?

Well...

I don't suppose you'd want to hit any of the stores on Michigan Avenue.

Well...

You know, too bad it's too early in the day to get a drink.

Oh, you can just leave the bottle.

Ha!

So, Hank, you're a lawyer, right?

Really? I thought you worked for the city.

Oh, well, I'm a lawyer whose clients do a lot of work with the city.

Working for the city, though,

there's got to be some great stories there, right?

Well, it's Chicago. You wouldn't believe it.

Like what?

Oh, no. That's confidential.

No, seriously.

It's confidential lawyer-client privilege. I could lose my job.

Oh.

Should we get another pitcher?

Yeah! Yeah!

Hey, I don't drink beer, so I'm gonna get a vodka martini.

But one pitcher, right? I'll be right back.

We are gonna need to do shots.

A lot of shots.

Hey, hey.

Really?

All right, boys, the circle's complete. Anything can happen.

Hey, tattoo, how you feeling?

The night is young, B. Night is young.

Yes, it is. It is.

Well, it's good we're able to do this now,

before everything gets all hectic because of the wedding.

Oh, who's getting married?

Brendan and I.

That's right. That's right.

My short-term memory sometimes is, like...

I guess I'd better cut back on my drinking.

After today.

That's a nice watch you got there.

Oh, yeah, thanks. I got it for Christmas.

This past year?

Year before, actually.

Very cool. Very cool. Yeah. Yeah, it is.

It's pretty cool, pretty cool.

Hey, you guys up for a game?

You know what, P.J.? I'm just gonna come out and say it.

I am secretly a little jealous of you.

Oh, my God. Why?

Well, I guess, in the back of my mind,

I always thought that there was something between you and Brendan.

Oh, well, you know, we're just friends.

I know.

No, but, like, seriously. Yeah?

I know. Okay.

And that's part of the reason I wanted us to get together.

Anyone who is so important to Brendan is important to me.

Well, I want to get to know anyone who's so important to him, too.

So it sounds like you're saying you work with the mob.

You didn't hear it from me,

but I could get in a lot of trouble for what I just told you.

You know, lawyer-client privilege.

This is the guy.

Really?

What's up, quicklove? You seen Kenny around?

No, I'm sorry, I haven't. So, anyway...

If you do, will you tell him Trouty got him a beer?

Sure. Yeah.

Oh, pardon. I haven't introduced myself. My name's Trouty.

Trouty!

Schnap, my bad. Let me make it up to you. Do you like shiatsu?

Don't worry about it.

She'll be back.

What did I miss?

Oh, let me get you a fresh beer.

Thanks.

What happened here?

Trouty happened, dude.

Seriously, I thought you guys were exaggerating, but he is horrible, man.

He is breathtakingly horrible.

You know what, Kenny? It's all starting to make sense.

What's starting to make sense?

Why you hang out with Trouty. You're using him.

I'm not using him. He's an old friend of mine, and I wouldn't use him, okay?

Really? The iPod thingy, the coffee, the beers.

He bought you a pair of shoes.

He knows my size.

Trouty's always bringing you stuff, man. Trouty is your bitch.

Trouty's not my bitch.

He is kind of your bitch.

He is kind of your bitch, 'cause I'll bet

if he stopped hooking you up all the time,

that you wouldn't put up with his bullshit.

Come on, guys. He's not that bad.

He is a bad hang. But you know what? He's your bad hang.

He's not mine. Cool, thanks, man.

Guys, check it. I just hit up my contact,

Stones tickets, tomorrow night, row dos, backstage passes.

You guys in?

Yeah! Trouty!

Come on, brother. Rock and roll.

Okay, so what is his obsession with spicy food?

Oh, my God, I know, he always orders too much of it, and then he gets sick.

And then he lays back and he does the...

Ha!

You know what? This was fun.

Yeah, it was. I'm glad we did this.

Me, too.

A toast.

To new beginnings.

Wendy and I may not have a ton in common,

but there is something about her I really respect.

She's honest.

And despite what I thought, she's not a clubhouse cancer.

And I'll have to keep reminding myself of that.

All right, man. We need one more bull's-eye.

We close out bull's, and we win.

I got it.

Yeah!

There it is. Nice. Good job.

Good job. Good game, guys.

Good game, Brendan.

Oh, God, are you kidding me? You carried us.

How'd you get so good at darts?

I spent my last year abroad at Oxford

hanging out in pubs throwing darts and drinking too much Boddingtons.

Hey.

How'd it go?

It was really fun.

Yeah? Yeah.

I know I've said a lot of stuff about Wendy in the past,

and I am sorry, because she's great.

Really? Yeah, we had a great time.

You know, I used to think it didn't matter if Wendy and I were friends,

and I was wrong.

It does matter.

Because she's important to you.

I am so glad.

And we had a great time with Hank, too. Oh, great.

Oh, yeah, you know, it started off a little rocky at first,

but he's just a cool guy, you know?

Hell of a darts player, too. Really?

Amazing. Like, assassin. Unbelievable.

Wow. Yeah.

Hey. The four of us should all go out on, like, a double date sometime.

You know, sometime before the wedding.

Oh, who's getting married?

You and Wendy.

I know. I was kidding, dude.

Man, I can't believe Trouty hooked us up like that.

Unbelievable, right?

I'm sitting in the second row.

I mean, that's how close we were. Yeah, I know.

I mean, you could see how big and luscious his lips were.

That's how close we were.

Yeah, I know, I was sitting next to you.

I'm not gonna kiss him, but I'm just saying, that's close.

We were right next to you. Same show.

You know what, also, tickets aside?

Trouty was a pretty cool guy tonight.

Yeah, he just tries too hard.

Yeah, but you know, the guy actually does have a pretty good heart.

See? I mean, this is what I've been trying to tell you guys.

I know... Hey.

Did you guys go to the Stones show, too?

Yeah!

That was the greatest show ever, wasn't it?

It was the best I've seen.

Hey. Hey.

I'm Mike. Corinne.

Great to meet you.

Trouty's back. Sorry it took so long.

Schnappity schnap. What's up, li-zadies?

You're looking sweeter than a snacking cake. Yeah, you like this?

This is popcorn money, baby.

Okay. It was nice to meet you guys.

Trouty.

Oh, relax, dude, they'll be back.

Dude, they are never coming back.

Well, if not, then this faux pas is on you, Ralph Malph.

Well, so, are you surprised?

Oh, I'm as surprised as anyone.

We had a good time. Wendy's a cool person.

Well, that's great.

Yeah, and I was talking to Brendan,

and I thought it might be nice

if we all went out together sometime.

Really? Yeah.

Huh.

What's wrong?

I don't know.

Look, hon, I don't think I'm a good fit with your friends.

I mean, they're all nice enough guys,

but I feel like I don't have anything in common with them.

And, hey, I mean, nowhere is it written

that friends have to spend time with their friends' significant others, right?

Yeah.

I guess.

In sports, regardless of what they look like on paper,

you have to be careful about who you introduce into the clubhouse.

And the same can be said for friendships,

relationships,

even your image of yourself.

'Cause even a five-tool player

can upset the balance of a strong, promising team.