Original subtitles

So Hank and I are dating now,

and it's like I got called up to the majors.

Dude, they don't even look like cats.

They're not cats. They're meerkats.

Look. I don't care what they are. I don't want to watch them.

Meerkats are so cute.

You gotta give it time.

Okay. Look. Right now, what do you think he's doing?

He's scouting the area, and he's gonna give orders

to the family down there.

They're ready. Look at them. They're ready to go.

The one on the right looks like he's going ballistic.

He can't wait to fight! What do you guys think?

Fantastic. I like the jacket.

It's a good choice. Nice hat.

You guys are useless.

Dude, look at him go. Watch this.

Look at him, look at him.

They just do it on paper. They couldn't do that. That's...

See you! Bye!

It's what every player dreams about,

the call up to the majors, the call up to the show,

where the grass is greener and the food tastes better, literally.

Okay. I got to tell you.

This is the best and first osso bucco that I have ever had.

Oh. Well, you want osso bucco?

There's this little hole in the wall in Florence

that is... It's unbelievable.

I'll take you there sometime.

Okay. I'm free on Thursday.

Well, I'll see what I can do.

Hey. What is this anyway? What is this, like, a brontosaurus?

It's... It's big. That's... That's big. That's a big-ass bone!

So here we are.

Yeah.

God. You know, thanks again.

I had a... I had a really good time.

Me, too.

Well, good night.

Yeah. Good night.

The thing about the show is,

once you get there, you really don't want to leave.

Good night.

You're repeating yourself.

Yeah, but that's because the last time, this happened.

Good night.

Good night. Good night.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Hey. You know, as good nights go,

that was a really good one.

Now what? Oh! Food!

You're gonna love this place.

They have the most amazing omelets.

Oh, I love the omelet.

Oh, my God. That's Brendan.

Who? Brendan! He's a good friend of mine.

Yes. I can see that.

Yeah. He's actually staying with me.

I don't believe this. Oh, my God!

He told me he was visiting his parents!

Oh. Well, he seems very close with his mom.

We got to get out of here. What?

Yeah.

And then there he is with his ex-girlfriend just making out plain as day.

He doesn't even have the decency to skulk around.

So he's seeing Wendy again.

What's the big deal?

The big deal is that I'm the one

that has to pick up the pieces every single time.

You know what? So don't do it anymore.

You know what? I'm not gonna do it anymore.

This time when they break up, he can stay at your place.

Well, actually, he can't.

I don't think it's gonna be my place much longer.

What are you talking about?

Meredith decided she wants to live in the suburbs.

What? I know.

And you're thinking of going with her?

Well, you know how it is, more space, better schools,

quiet desperation.

No, no, no, no, no. Andy, this can't happen.

It's happening. Actually, I have to see

a house with her this afternoon.

But don't you understand what happens

to people when they move to the suburbs?

Remember Eric and Cindy?

Nope. Exactly!

We're never gonna see you again.

Oh, come on. That's not true.

It is true!

You're gonna see me all the time.

Eric and Cindy!

I don't know any Eric and Cindy!

Exactly!

Hey, guys. Hey, Brendan.

To be continued, I'm sure.

When? I'll never see you again.

Well, then remember me as I am,

young and perky.

So, Brendo, how are the folks?

Great.

That's nice.

Hey. You know, your mom called earlier, and she happened to mention

that you didn't actually spend the night there last night.

Yeah. Yeah.

Funny story actually. True story, too. Um...

I actually bumped into some friends of mine from the station,

and they were all on their way to this party,

so they asked me if I wanted to go...

To the party? To the party, yeah.

And so, you know, I went to the party.

Oh, my God! Oh, God! Stop it!

I saw you with Wendy.

What?

Dude, this morning at Staley's.

Hank and I saw you two together.

Morning meal with Hank. Nice.

You guys seal the deal?

Oh, don't try to change the subject.

Jeez, P.J. I mean, you could have told me you saw me.

Why'd you have to make me go through all that?

Oh. I'm sorry. You're giving me crap

for not coming out and telling you something?

You're really going with that?

All right. Look. I didn't say anything

because I know how judgmental you get.

I'm not judgmental.

So you think it's a good thing Wendy and I are back together?

God, no. I think it's the worst thing that ever happened

in the history of the land.

Oh. Well, at least you're not being judgmental.

Okay. You know what? When it comes to you and Wendy,

I am judgmental, but that is only because it is torture

watching you guys do this over and over again.

I mean, when are you finally gonna face the fact

that this relationship does not work?

Well, actually...

I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

Congratulations.

Yeah! Yeah! Thanks.

Let me get one. Yeah. Sure.

Hank is perfect.

You're dating Mr. Perfect.

You know, I never dated anybody like Hank before.

He makes plans,

and then we do those plans, and they are, like, fancy plans.

It's very...

It's grownup, you know?

I'm grownup dating.

You're grownup dating.

I mean, I get all dressed up, you know.

I worry about what to wear.

I shave my legs every day.

I want a Mr. Perfect. Where's my Mr. Perfect?

I'm telling you, he's out there, you know?

Something is in the air.

Oh, my God, oh, my God!

Brendan and Wendy are getting engaged.

What?

That's horrible.

I mean, I can't believe Brendan is getting married before me!

Is he even remotely ready for this?

I mean, does he understand what a huge commitment it is?

Does he have a dress already picked out?

Because I do!

And I've narrowed it down to three pairs of shoes.

Well, you know what?

I think it's terrific, you know.

I think they're gonna be really happy together.

I completely support his decision.

That was really good.

Thank you.

I've been working all day on that.

I can tell.

Man, I'm, like, sweating.

What are you doing?

I'm going through ads for engagement rings.

I can't believe how many choices you have to make.

Hey. Answer me this. How am I supposed to find out

what size ring she is without her actually knowing

that I'm getting her a ring?

You steal one of her rings while she's not looking,

and you measure it. Off her finger?

Yes, Brendan. You cut off her finger, and you take the ring.

From her jewelry box.

What's wrong with you?

That's perfect. You are a genius.

We've come for your money. Wow!

Hey. Look at you.

Wait a minute. Look at you. That can't be good.

Why do you look like that? Why does she look like that?

I don't know. Why do you look like that?

I'm going out. Why are you guys here?

You moved poker to tonight, didn't you?

No. I moved it to next Thursday.

I thought this was next Thursday.

No. This is this Thursday.

Next Thursday is next Thursday.

Yes, but when you moved it, this was next Thursday.

No. This was always this Thursday.

Next Thursday is next Thursday.

Technically, this was the next Thursday, wasn't it?

Right, which is exactly what makes it this Thursday.

See, you're not understanding the word "next."

No. I'm confused.

And then the one after... Oh, my God!

You guys, I don't have time to argue this right now.

Hank's coming over in, like... Like, five minutes.

We actually get to meet the mythical Hank.

Oh, God, help me.

Please don't embarrass me.

What are you talking about? We're not gonna embarrass you.

Nice cleavage. Are you even wearing a bra?

Hey, you guys.

Brendo! Brendo!

Hey, man, are you ready to play some cards?

I thought we moved poker to next Thursday.

This is next Thursday!

Oh. Well, sorry, guys.

I got to go over to Wendy's and steal a ring.

Brendo, if you need a loan...

I'm asking her to marry me.

What? Yeah.

Really? That's huge.

Dude, are you sure you're really ready for that?

Yeah. Trust me, Brendan.

Marriage is not something to be entered into...

That's all I got.

And right on cue.

Dude, you've really got to get a new ring tone.

I want people to know how I roll.

Yes, Meredith?

What?

Now?

No, no, I can't... I can't do it now.

Yes, but I can't do it now.

Can't do it now.

Okay.

I got to go.

You're kidding.

Sorry, guys. Meredith just saw a house

she needs me to see immediately.

Come on. That knocks us down to three.

You can't play poker with three.

You got to blow it off.

I can't! The real estate agent

said it will be gone in the morning.

Where is it? Naperville.

Naperville?

Dude, that's not even Chicago.

Come on. Yes, it is. Don't kid yourself.

That's the "land" part of Chicagoland.

Well, this is a waste of a perfectly good night.

Hello?

Hey!

How you doing?

Hey, you guys, this is Hank.

Hank, these are my friends. It's Brendan and Kenny and Bobby,

and that's my brother, Andy.

You hurt my sister, I'll kill you.

And Mike.

Hey. I heard a lot about you guys.

Yeah, us, too.

Or is it, "We, too"?

Hey. Is that, "We, too"?

We, too, we, too, we, too. Try it. It's fun.

We, too, we, too, we, too.

No, no, no. You promised, guys.

Oh.

See that? That's a normal ring tone.

That's how he rolls.

Hello?

Excuse me.

Dude, you see the guy's suit?

Yeah. It's Boss, Armani, Zegna.

Whatever it is, it's two dimes a-popping.

That kid is sweating cash.

God! Hey. He seems like a really nice guy.

Yeah.

He actually seems like the type of person

who might just enjoy, you know, hanging out

and maybe playing some poker.

Well, yeah. He actually... He doesn't play.

He doesn't play?

He doesn't play.

You're dating a guy who doesn't...

Play, yeah.

I got it, I got it. Totally.

You know, you have all kinds of new priorities now, and listen.

I, we... We all support that,

but can I also state just for the record that this is total bullshit.

Total bullshit!

Come on. You guys are being ridiculous.

The whole game fell apart.

What are we supposed to do now?

I don't know. You figure it out.

I'm not your mother.

Sorry about that. We gotta go. You ready?

Yeah.

I'll walk out with you guys. Yeah. I'll come.

Hey. It was nice to meet you guys.

Nice meeting you. Nice to meet you, too.

The other thing about being called up to the majors is

only some of the teammates get the call,

so as much as you're all rooting for each other,

when that divide appears, it does become a little difficult to ignore.

Still, you figure after a little adjustment period,

everyone makes their peace with it and moves on.

Hey, hey, guys.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't our old friend, P.J.

What are you doing around here, slumming?

Or not. Oh, ha, ha.

Come on, you guys. Don't be like that, huh?

I'm sorry about poker the other night.

Poker? What poker?

There was no poker the other night.

You guys, you don't need me to play poker.

We do. Your place is the hub.

Now we're totally hubless, completely without hub.

Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I'm supposed to dump Hank

so you guys have a place to drink and play poker every night?

Well, now you make it sound unreasonable.

Well...

Hey. Good, you're here. Are you coming to the movies with us?

Thank you. I would love to.

I can't, though.

Hank is taking me to the opera.

♪ Let's dress up like dorks and listen

♪ The opera

Come on, you guys. Be happy for me.

Be happy I met a guy who wants to take me to new and different places.

Is that sexual? That sounds kind of dirty.

It felt sexual to me. We don't talk about stuff like that.

It's this Hank character.

I don't like his influence.

She's a totally different person now.

You guys, what do you expect?

I'm gonna dick around with you guys for the rest of my life?

Wow! Really.

All right. I didn't mean that.

Getting awfully crowded in here.

Yes. Robert, Kenneth, perhaps we should go dick around someplace else.

Maybe we could dick around at the movies.

You guys, you know I didn't mean it like that, right?

You know, actually, we should call the theater

to see what their dicking-around policies are.

Come on, you guys. And when we're done dicking around,

maybe we should find ourselves a new hub.

Well, enjoy Parsifal.

Thank you.

What? I dated a mezzo soprano once.

An opera lady.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Right.

Bye.

Wait. You guys are gonna leave like that?

And that's when it hits you

that it might not be that easy after all,

that once the divide appears,

you just might not be able to cross back over it again.

Oh, my God!

Unless there is a killer guitar solo coming up,

please make this stop.

I'm sorry.

God!

Hank is, uh, taking me to the opera.

Yeah. Well...

Good luck with that. Thanks.

Oh, you know, speaking of luck...

Yeah.

I am off to get my ring.

Tonight's the night. I'm asking her.

Sometimes, people can get called up to the show when you really

don't think they're ready for it.

You're really going through with this.

Yeah!

And... And it's really what you want.

It is. Yeah.

You know, I've been over this a million times,

and I really think that the reason that we keep going back and forth

is just I haven't had the guts to step it up, you know,

but that all changes tonight.

But in the end, you just have to

wish them luck and hope for the best.

You know I just want you to be happy, right?

I am. I am. Yeah.

I am. Okay.

This whole grownup thing.

Yeah, I know.

Kind of weird, right? Yeah, it's so weird, dude.

Weird. It's weird. Yeah.

I'm just gonna go.

Come on in!

I can't believe we've never been here before.

I know. I've been meaning to have you guys over

for a while now, but...

You know how it is.

Pretty cool, huh?

Sure.

Is this the living room?

Yeah. Why?

No reason. Well, go on, man. Cop a squat.

Make yourself at home.

Oh. Let's see what's on the big screen.

So how long have you lived here exactly?

Oh, I don't know. Ten years, give or take.

Dude, wow!

Yeah. I know, huh?

Hey. What do you guys think would be the worst way to die?

I'm gonna say being hit in the balls with lightning

or old age.

Long and slow.

That's no way to go.

I was thinking we could always go over to my place

and hang out there and talk about balls and old age.

Hey. Come on. Project Runway is on.

All right. Fine.

I'll see you later, Frank.

Oh. Hang on. Someone's texting me.

Oh. It's from Kenny.

Man, it says, "Mike's place really creepy.

"I'm still mad at you, but I had to tell someone."

Why's he mad at you?

Oh, my God! We got into this fight.

I said the stupidest thing, plus poker got all screwed up,

and, well, I don't know. At least he's talking to me.

Well, do you need to call him?

Oh, no. I'll call him later.

It's cool. I have an opera to go to.

Okay, but again, I just want to warn you, it's, like, three hours.

I know. It's no problem.

And all in German. Ha, ha.

Very funny.

Seriously?

It's a nice place.

A little cluttered for my taste.

Yeah. Well, things really fill up

when you add stuff like furniture.

Hey. Is this the living room?

Yeah. Why?

Why do you have so many shirts hanging in this closet?

I ran out of room in the bedroom.

How many shirts do you have, man?

I don't know. I like shirts. What's it to you?

Nothing.

It's just that's a lot of shirts.

It's kind of weird, dude, seriously.

No, no, no.

I was gonna use the coaster.

Yeah, but condensation builds up on the coaster.

Then that trickles onto the wood.

Next thing you know, mayhem.

Do you have them arranged by color or pattern... Sleeve length?

By purpose.

By purpose? I don't know what that means.

Don't...

Sorry. Thank you.

I have kettle corn.

I can't believe this.

When did you get so romantic?

Oh. Well, you know, you always said you wanted

a nice romantic dinner under the stars, so...

Here you go.

This is amazing.

Hold on a sec.

Oh, God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! I am so sorry.

No. It's a new shirt, but I can totally get it cleaned.

I can't believe I just did that.

Yeah. Well, let's just try to, um...

Let's just try to transcend the moment.

You're absolutely right. Um...

Oh.

I mean, after all, we've got a beautiful night

and a beautiful girl.

You know, Wendy,

I know that we've had our ups and downs.

Oh, one thing, actually.

One and two...

You thought of everything.

Yeah. Well, I tried.

Oh! Oh, my God!

God! I can't believe I...

Ow! Jeez. I'm like Jerry Lewis.

Are you okay? Yes, I'm fine.

I think.

All right. You know what?

I'm just gonna cut to the chase here before I do any more

permanent damage.

Wendy, I love you.

I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Will you marry me?

Are you hating this?

I'm... I'm hating this.

I am hating this.

Let's get out of here.

Oh, thank you, God!

So what do you want to do now?

Um...

Oh. Hang on. Someone's texting me.

Oh. It's from Mike.

"Kenny has 697 shirts."

And then he says, "We're asses."

He's a sweet guy, man.

Oh, I'm sorry. What?

What? What do I want to do? Um...

What do you want to do?

I know what you want to do.

So Hank wasn't pissed at all?

What? No. I'm gonna head over there later.

He's totally fine with it.

That's great. Hank seems cool.

Yeah, he is.

By the way, it's official.

Meredith and I now own a house in the 'burbs.

Hey!

Take his money now, fellas.

You'll never see it again.

Would you stop saying that?

She's right, dude.

It's gonna be just like Eric and Cindy all over again.

Who the hell are Eric and Cindy?

I have no...

Oh. Oh, my God. Eric and Cindy.

I totally forgot about them.

Oh. That's kind of depressing.

A toast to Andy.

Yeah. To Andy!

You were a kind and decent man...

Sort of.

And you will be missed.

Oh, and to Brendan, to Brendan.

Yep. Absolutely.

To Brendan. Yeah.

Hey, guys.

Hey. We were just drinking to you.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

What are you doing here?

She said no.

Oh, man. Sorry.

Oh, man. Sorry, buddy.

I'm kidding. I'm totally kidding.

Dude, dude, don't do that.

Congratulations. Oh, my God.

That's not funny at all.

Yeah.

Yeah. Actually, we're gonna take off for the weekend to celebrate,

so I just came home to grab a few things.

Why don't you join us for a minute?

No, no. Seriously, I just have to...

Come on! Come on!

Before the ball and chain, my friend.

Two hands! Yeah!

Lose some money.

All right.

So maybe that's the thing.

Maybe being called up to the show doesn't have to create

this whole great divide after all.

You just have to do everything you can

to help your old teammates make it up there as well,

because... Well, what the hell.

It's a lot more fun with them right there beside you anyway.