Original subtitles

Hey, guys.

Hey.

The guys are a bit cranky these days,

and the reason for it is so elemental, it's so primal.

It's almost animalistic.

New shirt?

Yeah. Yeah.

Teams of all sorts go through slumps,

periods when things just aren't, you know, coming together,

and this team is in a huge slump

in that for the first time since I can remember

not a one of them is going out with anyone,

and I mean, no one is getting anything.

So, what do you think? About what?

About the shirt. I think it's stupid.

No dates, no one-night stands, nothing!

And wow, they're cranky.

What do you mean, "stupid"?

How can a shirt be stupid?

You asked me what I thought about your shirt,

and I told you, it's stupid.

You know what, you're stupid. I think you're stupid.

I think you're stupid. I think your pants are really stupid.

My pants are smarter than you.

Wow. God, it's like being at the Algonquin Round Table.

Whose bet?

Oh, my God.

And Andy, well, he's married,

and that brings a whole different set of reasons to be cranky.

Andy, are you gonna play or what?

We need you.

I don't think I can. This is insane.

Yeah, but do you have to do that now?

It's Savannah's fifth birthday this weekend.

Meredith wants this assembled for when she wakes up.

But there's, like, 800 pieces to this thing.

I thought the farm would be easier than the Hundred Acre Wood,

but apparently I was wrong.

Look at this.

It's the tiniest jelly jar I've ever seen.

Why is there a jelly jar?

Evidently, Mom makes her own preserves.

I can't wait to have kids.

Yeah, you see, now, that would require you having sex.

Shut up, now. Just shut up.

You shut up. Be quiet.

Just shut up.

The hole under your nose is apparently...

We really need to be writing this stuff down.

Hey, what are you guys doing tomorrow night?

Sam Wench's band is playing at the Hideout.

Oh, he's good, he's really good.

We started playing him at the station, actually,

which is what I will be doing tomorrow night, taking Shane's shift.

Shane's shift, Shane's shift, Shane's shift, Shane's shift. That's fun.

I have dinner with my cousin from Indiana.

Sorry, I'm out.

I'm going to a Peter, Paul, and Mommy concert

tomorrow night in Elgin.

I don't wanna talk about it.

All right, Kenny, you and me.

Um, uh, I don't know. I don't think... No,

I'm volunteering at a dog rescue place tomorrow.

Really?

Yep, whose deal?

Me. Okay.

Oh, I love dogs, I might want to go with you.

What's it called?

What? The dog shelter, what's it called?

Lassie Come Home, like the movie.

It's called Lassie Come Home.

It's a collie shelter, 'cause Lassie was a collie.

Lassie was a golden retriever.

Golden retriever shelter, because Lassie was a golden retriever.

Face! Lassie was a collie.

Uh... "Shane's shift." Say it with me, it's fun.

Shane's shift. Shane's shift.

Shane's shift.

Oh, my God, you guys are full of crap.

Shane's shift. I'm calling bullshit.

What, why?

What are you guys doing tomorrow night that I'm not invited to?

Nothing, God.

Nice work, Kenny.

Look, Peej, we're all going out tomorrow night,

and the whole idea was that it was just

supposed to be, you know, guy's night.

What? Why?

We're going out to pick up girls.

Boom, I said it.

Look, we're all in horrific slumps right now.

So? So, we're going out. Hunting.

Hunting? Hunting, okay?

We've decided to adapt a pack mentality,

like wolves or Velociraptors...

Look, it's just guys being guys, all right?

The bottom line is that we need to go out and be piggish

without you looking over our shoulders and...

And let's be honest, judging the prey that we then snare.

Oh, my God, that's disgusting, and shut up.

I would not be judgmental of your women, okay?

I never said anything about that total North Suburban whore

that you went up to Wisconsin with,

and shut up again, I know what I just did.

P.J., seriously.

You're not missing out on anything, all right?

We're going up to the Slug House.

Ugh! The Slug House, that is just disgusting.

Well, that's where the prey is, okay?

So, let's just play cards. Brendan, your deal.

My God, you guys are pathetic.

"Dinner with my cousin,"

"I'm working a double shift," come on, "A collie shelter."

Peter, Paul, and Mommy thing was true.

Yeah, we figured that out.

Yeah...

Even though he's dating Claire,

Bobby and I are in a good place these days.

We're just friends, and that's okay.

No, really.

I love Sam Wench, I do.

Okay. But I can't do it.

I have dinner with Claire.

It's like our two-week anniversary or some crap like that.

She's one of those.

Well, if she brings you a teddy bear and names it,

then you break up with her. Okay?

You know, I did get her a corsage.

Is that weird?

Did she name it?

Thank you.

This is a bar, right?

Because I just ordered a martini, and Crowley glared at me.

Did you ask for bleu cheese stuffed olives again?

What? It's a simple question. Come on.

You know what, you have good timing

because I gotta get going, so I will see you at poker.

Totally.

Cool. See you, guys.

Bye.

Wait a minute.

Is crush boy back in the picture?

No. Nope... No.

That's... That's done, we're fine.

We're just friends.

Really? Yeah.

I mean, yeah, okay, it was exciting,

like that, you know, initial crush thing.

You know, "Will it go this way or that way?"

I mean... Now that the unknown is known.

Wow, that's a little sad.

Oh, so what. Who else you got lined up?

What are you talking about? Who are you working on?

Who's your next crush?

I'm not working on anybody.

Everyone is working on someone.

Okay, because I am working on seven crushes as we speak.

It keeps me on my game between,

you know, actual human dating.

Dude, I don't have a crush.

I mean, I've always at least had a crush.

All right, well, just pick someone famous.

You know, like George Clooney or Matt Damon.

Oh, my God, freshman year.

Didn't you have a crush on Matlock?

Oh, for like a minute, okay?

And he was really smart.

Okay, you guys, look, I'm in a slump, too.

Let me come to the Slug House with you.

No.

Why not? I can help hunt.

I wanna hunt. I wanna be hunted.

No.

I say we let her come.

What the hell, you know, let her be our wing man.

If we're all in slumps, let's help each other out.

Who the hell are you all of a sudden?

Come on, Mike, she's gonna be fine, helpful, even.

Yes, thank you.

We'll all be each other's wing persons.

Do you see?

Why? Come on, why can't I come?

Because to be a good wing person, you, P.J.,

are not going to be comfortable doing what you have to do.

What's that? Making me look good.

That is hard. Okay, you guys, look,

I'm not gonna judge, and secondly,

I understand you guys and I understand women.

Kind of, dude.

No.

I buy all drinks all night?

All right, you're in.

All right, before we go, one more round of confidence shots.

Here we go.

Dude, what was that?

I don't know, that was his.

Did he see? Mmm-mmm.

You're cool.

Okay. I want the Phoenix...

All right. So when a team is in a slump, they'll do almost anything

to find their way out of it.

You know, they'll wear the same underwear for a week

or turn their socks inside out,

whatever it takes to get out of the slump, even this.

Oh, my God. Are you kidding? Don't.

What? I'm just saying. Seriously.

All right. Okay. Are we good?

I'm in. Let's do this.

I think I just caught Chlamydia.

What? It's a joke, dude, seriously.

Jeez. Old Styles.

Yo, a round of Jagers, and just keep them coming.

If we're gonna do this, we're gonna do this

disgustingly. All right, who's stepping up?

So, anyway. I'm at Yosemite for like a week camping, and it was amazing.

I'm sorry. I was gonna go get some drinks,

but did I hear you talk Yosemite?

Didn't you go fly fishing there

and catch, like, eight or nine in a day?

Actually, it was ten, and I totally forgot about that, yeah.

Wow, that's awesome.

Yeah. It was great.

Did you grill them up over the camp fire?

Oh, no, no, no, Mike hates fish.

Oh, I love fish. I'd starve without sushi.

Oh, my God, me, too. Where do you go?

This great place up on Clark.

- I love that place! - I know.

Oh, my God.

It's kind of hard to get into, though.

Oh, you know where the best is?

You're not going to believe this.

Skokie.

Oh, when I think sushi, I don't think Skokie.

I like chicken teriyaki.

Anyways, it's actually up on Dempster near Old Orchard.

In a mini mall. Well, of course.

Skokie, you got to give me the address,

like, immediately. Okay.

Oh, wait there's a napkin over there.

Okay, it's actually not on Dempster,

but if you go towards Waukegan up to the right...

You know that cemetery?

Oh, yeah, of course. I'm gonna hit the john.

Totally. There's that...

They play movies over there. I heard.

You gotta go, it's so nice, really.

Can I get another beer for... What is it, it's Kathleen, right?

Dude, did you see that play?

No, I'm talking to Kathleen.

Oh, my God, it was awesome.

The ball shot back to Maddox who bobbled it, but he got it straight...

That's great news. I'm gonna watch that on Sports Center later.

So, Kathleen...

Oh, dude, watch the replay, seriously.

- It's unbelievable. - Okay.

Would you excuse me?

Sure.

She's cute, dude.

Don't. You know what, just don't.

Oh, I'm...

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

So we're driving back from the St. Louis game,

and the cop pulls us over, and then...

P.J., tell Nancy what I said.

What? You know, to the cop.

What, I don't, I don't know what you said.

What I said when the cop pulled us over.

I said... You know...

That was you? I thought that was Bobby.

No, no, that was me.

You didn't even go to that game with us.

Why don't you go talk to Brendan?

Dude, I don't want to bug him,

he seems to be doing really well.

Huh?

You're killing me.

Hey, P.J. Yeah.

This is Ed. You went to the King Tut exhibit, right?

Yeah. You did? I did, too.

Kismet.

This is actually the second time that I saw it,

and it was as, I don't know,

as magical as it was when I saw it as a kid.

Remember, it came by back in the '70s.

We were studying ancient Egypt in school.

I grew up in Glenview.

Yawn, right? I still live there.

Anyway, then Steve Martin did that song.

If this were an actual hunt with actual guns,

I would be able to kill Ed and turn the gun on myself.

Chicken? And Kenny and Mike.

Oh, I don't eat food.

You are the best cow.

That's why you're going to be the king of all the cows.

Moo. I don't want to be king.

Hey. Hey, how'd it go?

Well, we left with four and we came back with four,

which would be great if we were

an Outward Bound group. However...

I'm sorry, okay? I don't know how else to say I'm sorry.

It was a complete waste of time.

I'm sorry.

What are you talking about? You were batting them away.

None of them were really my type.

So, now you're above slutty and young.

Hey, you guys, look, next time I promise...

Next time? No, no, next time.

No, there's no next time for you, missy, because we, the council,

have voted you off the island.

You guys, when a team slumps, they go through that slump together,

okay, they tough it out.

She's right.

Sometimes they make a trade or even release a player

because they are a complete albatross.

They do that.

I'm not an albatross.

Oh, you are an albatross. No, I'm not.

You're an albatross. Really an albatross.

You know what, you guys, you guys are dicks.

Well, you're an albatross.

Hey. Hey, that is not a toy!

She threw a sheep in my shirt.

Sheep shirt, sheep shirt. Try it, it's fun.

Sheep shirt. Sheep shirt. Sheep shirt.

It was just all JELL-O shots and idiots from the outer suburbs.

I'm talking like outer suburbs, like, you know, Canada,

and the guys, they were just all different.

They were all like... Oh, they were all guy-ey.

Plain and simple and you are not guy-ey, you are girly.

Hey. Hey, Paolo.

P.J. How's it hanging?

Low and easy.

Okay, you're girlish.

Now look, I know that you love those guys, and I do, too, except Kenny,

but you can't be one of the guys all the time.

I mean, did it ever occur to you

that they might actually be dragging you down?

Have they ever set you up with anyone?

No.

All right, here's the solution.

We're gonna go out for a civilized night on the town

and we are going to dress up like women and have cocktails.

Proper cocktails that don't come in a can.

Huh.

You know, that could be fun.

Done. How's Monday?

Oh, I can't. Football's on. Tuesday?

Cub-Dodger night game. Wednesday.

Black Hawks.

Peej, come on. Okay, okay, Thursday.

I can't. The O.C.

Oh, I can't believe you watch that show. What... Fine.

Okay, okay, fine, I'll TiVo.

There you go, beautiful.

Keep them swinging.

Right back at your ass, baby.

Yep.

I don't do that.

B eight.

Hit.

The O.C., huh?

You know, I don't know, man. I've been to Orange County,

and people in Orange County do not look like that.

If they did, they would move to LA and get on a TV show.

Another pitcher? Yeah. Absolutely.

Thanks, that's great.

M seven.

M?

Okay, M. There's no M.

Sorry.

F seven.

Miss. And you're an idiot.

Isn't that Brendan's?

It's Wendy. Wendy's calling.

Wendy? I thought they broke up.

Exactly my point.

Why would she be calling him?

Dude, check the phone log.

I'm in.

Dude, you can't do that.

Oh, it's easy. I have the same phone.

Oh! This is messed up.

There's tons of both incoming and outgoing calls

to one Wendy Harringer.

Oh, really?

Oh, and he's got three calls to Sibris.

Very telling.

Sibris.

What is Sibris?

Sibris, it's like this total pleasure palace motel

out in Northbrook with hourly rates

and satin sheets and waterfalls in the room.

It is epic.

Epic.

Hmm.

That is telling.

Now, I'm not a fancy girl,

and the only way that I would come to a place like this

is if my parents were paying and I knew I could split early

because they go to sleep at, like, 8:30.

So, how's that going down?

It's good, and fast.

The glasses are so small here.

It's civilized, and nothing gets you out of a slump

like a hot bath and a well-made drink.

Yeah, it's been a while since I felt feminine.

It was long overdue.

You know what, we should do this more often.

It's good to feel soft, you know,

pretty, womanly.

You know, I mean, every once in a while I think to myself,

do I even have a vagina?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please.

I will say this, though.

The service is crazy slow.

I know, but cocktails, proper cocktails take time to make.

Yeah, well, they don't take time to drink.

I'm gonna go up and get myself a fast beer.

You cool? Great. Yeah.

Make sure they put it in a glass.

You really think I'm a Clampett, don't you?

Hey, that martini was great.

Do you have an Old Style?

Sorry, no Old Style.

Boy, I saw that coming.

What beers do you have?

Hefeweizen and Old Speckled Hen,

a Sixpoint craft Ale Brownstone, um...

The closest thing to an Old Style that they have here

is a Pilsner Urquell.

And hello.

Thank you.

Um, I'll have a Pilsner Urquell,

and hello.

Q three.

Not now, he's coming.

Q?

G three.

What is the matter with you?

Hello, liar.

What?

Well, your phone rang, and we happened to notice that it was Wendy.

Yeah, Wendy.

Really?

That's weird. Weird!

Is it weird? Is it weird to you?

Weird. Hmm.

That's interesting because, you see, we did a little...

Invasion of your privacy.

Bingo, and we noticed that you guys

have been talking all the time.

What's the deal? You're back together again, aren't you?

Dude, you went through my phone log, man?

Maybe.

Dude, why have you been lying to us?

Come on, we lied to P.J.

about what we were doing the other night.

How is this any different?

Hey, we're not the ones on trial here.

You see, this is why he was getting hit on

so much the other night, because he has the stink of success on him.

Yeah, that's true.

Nothing is more attractive than somebody

who doesn't need to be attractive.

Since I got Claire, I've been batting them away.

You're an ass.

You know, the whole Wendy thing

has just been so on again, off again.

I just... I felt stupid, you know.

Really, really stupid.

So I didn't say anything because I didn't want to look, you know...

Stupid. Yeah.

Hey, Brendo, come on, that's ridiculous.

I mean, every time you've gotten back together with her

you looked stupid,

and yet, we always get past it.

Thanks, Mike.

Look, if you're seeing somebody, we're happy for you.

I mean, you're not in our slump, and that's a good thing,

so good job, buddy, well done.

I mean, technically, I'm not in your slump either, but...

Shut up.

Thanks, fellas.

It does feel good to not have to keep it a secret anymore.

We're not going to tell P.J., though, right?

Yeah, I wouldn't.

No, have you met her? She would rip your head off.

Well, you're a journalist.

You must have a million stories.

Why not write a book?

Oh, my gosh. I don't know.

It's such a huge commitment.

You know, books are really long.

Come on. Nicole Richie wrote a book.

I know you can.

Well, look at this.

We're talking about actual stuff.

And he's cute and funny, it's all so grown up and mature.

Well, it's time.

The London office just got to work.

It's that conference call.

I'm sorry, I gotta take it.

No, I know, I know, I know. I mean...

For the record, you're the only one I know

who doesn't avoid calls from work.

And, um, London, by the way.

Okay, so tomorrow night, top of the Hancock, Signature Room.

Trite, I know, but, you can't beat the view.

Yeah. No, I mean if it's a clear night, we can see all the way to

Gary, Indiana.

Have you been there?

I have not had the pleasure.

Well...

If you play your cards right, buddy, I might just take you there.

Ooh! I know a steel mill that has a fantastic tour.

I'm in.

All right. Well, good night. Yeah.

Such a dork.

As nights go, that was one of the best.

And now we're back to that exciting guessing game,

will it go this way or that way?

I mean, I've got a pretty good idea

that it's gonna go that way...

And we didn't talk about baseball the entire night.

Oh, yeah, this.

Watch this.

Get him.

Hey, when are you going to get a flat screen in here?

Your disposal's broken.

You're out of Bugles again.

I'm finished.

What are you wearing?

Why do you look like that?

I went out.

With who? Queen Elizabeth?

Okay. Forgive me for classing it up a little bit.

Did you guys ever think that maybe

this is the reason why you're in a slump

in the first place?

What are you talking about?

This! You guys!

You act like you're in a fricking fraternity,

and you wonder why you're not seeing anybody?

I mean, okay, you guys are great guys, right?

But this whole going out hunting as a group

and acting like, well, pigs, doesn't work.

Okay, tonight I went out. I acted like an adult

and I am officially out of my slump.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to go take a bath.

Is she seriously taking a bath?

Please, sir, could you bring me

some more hot water for my bath?

It's like Oliver and Elephant Man.

A little bit of a mix. Did you get it? That was nice, man.

She is right, you guys are kind of immature.

Hello, piggy, I'm a horse.

You see, you knocked over the silo.

Oh, my mistake.