Original subtitles

I have come to realize that almost everything

in dating and relationships has a parallel to sports.

Especially baseball.

Well, that's probably because that's what I do.

I'm a sportswriter for the Chicago Sun-Times.

I cover the Cubs.

It's like, for example, your friends are your team...

Okay, well, that one was easy.

Oh, it's on.

Kenny and Mike are like great infielders.

They make our team strong up the middle.

Oh, pizza. I'm starving.

Don't get too excited.

Kenny went to the Pizza Castle.

The Pizza Castle? Why'd you go there?

Thought I'd shake things up a little bit.

Mike always orders from Nunzio's.

Yeah, because it's good, because we like it,

and because it never lets us down.

You just described Lassie.

What are the brown things?

Mushrooms.

Why with the mushrooms? What?

I'm trying to eat healthier.

Dude, if you don't like it, don't eat it.

Oh, I'm gonna eat it.

Just without the fungus on top of it.

What are you doing?

Were you born in a barn?

I don't remember where I was born.

Oh!

No. Yes.

Is it on? It's on.

It's off. It's not on. Cease fire.

Deal the cards.

I told Meredith there was an accident on Lakeshore Drive.

I figure that should buy me 90 minutes.

Like my brother, Andy, and me.

We've been on the same team since I was born.

Unfortunately, his wife, Meredith, is a huge drag

and keeps him on a short leash.

So he's more like a relief pitcher.

He can only play a couple of innings.

Andy, come on, one of these days,

you've got to stand up to Meredith.

Yeah. That's gonna happen.

Look, she's the boss of me.

Divorce is messy, and she knows

I don't want that, so she owns me.

Do you miss your balls?

I'd appreciate it if you didn't talk about my balls

unless you are addressing them directly.

Ew. Ew!

Thank you, Andy. You're one of the big reasons

why I'm still single.

Wait a second, aren't you dating

that new girl from the Cubs' PR office?

I think calling it "dating" is generous.

It's more like meet for a drink, go back to her apartment,

and then bolt out sometime before sunrise.

There's gotta be a shorter name for that.

How about "I'm scared"?

Actually, I am maturing.

We're going on, like, our third date this week.

Hey! Which is why it's over.

Yeah, tonight's the swan song.

Is that... "Swan song," is that right?

Yeah. Yeah. Swan song.

After the third date, chicks start expecting stuff.

Like a fourth date?

Can we get started, please? Jeez.

Brendo! Brendo!

Sorry I'm late, guys. I'm sorry.

Brendan is like the veteran on the team.

We were roommates in college and have been close ever since.

It's like we came up through the minor leagues together.

So, guys, I have some...

Yeah, yeah, I guess you call it news.

Well, all right, I'm just gonna come out and say this. I...

You broke up with Wendy.

Yeah. How'd you know?

Dude, you've broken up with her, like, 83 times.

It was a good guess.

Yeah, it's like either you had a hot dog today,

or you broke up with Wendy.

Yeah, it's like either you played Metallica on your radio show today,

or you broke up with Wendy.

It was like you broke up with Wendy today, or you broke up with Wendy.

Blah, blah, blah, let's play poker.

I'm on a time constraint. All right?

Wow, guys. Thank you so much for the sensitivity.

That's really... That's nice.

Oh. Oh.

Are you okay, man?

Yeah, you know, I'm all right...

Great! Let's play cards. Let's play!

Oh, Peej. I need to ask you a favor.

You want to crash here.

It's totally cool. The guest room's free.

Wow. Am I really that predictable?

You're like the most predictable person we know.

I only got 79 minutes.

Except for Andy.

So I guess you could say my place is the team's clubhouse.

It's like the players' second home

where we celebrate wins and we pick each other up after losses.

We obviously don't shower together.

That would be weird.

What's wrong with you?

The reason I love sports is because you know where you stand.

Someone wins and someone loses.

It's black and white.

Dating, on the other hand, is a whole different ballgame.

Hey, Skip. Arm feels pretty good.

Is it good enough to play short?

No, no, no, no.

Bury me at first and pray to God

I don't have to throw to anybody.

All right, we've got 15 minutes

till game time, and no shortstop.

Where's Mike and his friend?

Hey. We're dead.

You see their pitcher? Throwing at least 80.

I'm not saying let's forfeit.

I'm saying, seriously, let's forfeit.

All right, if you complain to me about the order,

I will drop you down.

Mike! Finally.

P.J., this is Bobby. He's our new shortstop.

Hey. P.J. Hey.

We've met before, haven't we?

Yeah, yeah, in the press box the other day. You borrowed my pen.

That's right. You're the new Trib guy.

So what the hell? That pen ran out of ink.

That's why I had no problem lending it to you.

So, are you good?

I haven't played much since college.

So, like, last year?

That's funny. She's funny.

You didn't tell me she was funny.

Yeah. She's a barrel of monkeys.

So, Bobby, you'll bat last.

Come on, you're gonna bat me last

just because you can't take a little teasing?

No, I'm batting you last 'cause you might suck.

That's good coaching.

Excuse me.

Yeah, yeah. I'll see you in a minute.

Sarah from Minneapolis.

Huge Sabbath fan. Loves my show.

Thrilled for her.

Yeah, I still got it.

Watch out, ladies, 'cause Dr. Brendo is back and...

Don't say, "Making house calls."

Fine. Senator Brendo, working for you.

Oh, my God. What's wrong with you?

That one throw, you almost took that dude's head off.

So, Bobby, you playing with us for good now, or what?

Well, yeah, sure. I'd love to.

I mean, if you guys have the room.

Have the room?

For Christ sakes, we won the game.

You're the best player we have.

We'll make the room.

Kenny, you're off the team.

What? Who's gonna play first?

Bobby, he's gonna play every position.

He's a veritable one-man team.

To Bobby. To Bobby, if he'll have us.

Cheers. All right.

Hey, you about ready to go? Yeah.

Hi, Mike.

Hello, Stephanie.

Hi, Kenny. Hello, Stephanie.

May I get you an adult beverage?

No, no, no, 'cause we're gonna go.

Bobby, this is Stephanie.

Oh. Hi.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

I just gotta go home and change, all right?

Stephanie and I helped each other get through journalism school.

She keeps trying to get me to be more girly.

But trust me, she's plenty girly enough for the both of us.

So, who's the cute one I don't know?

Bobby? He's the new guy.

So...

I don't know, I just met the guy.

He's cute, he's funny, he's smart.

But I mean, I'm not looking for a relationship, so I don't know.

You can do what you always do.

Date him until he can't handle all the guys in your life

and then break up with him because he's crazy for being jealous.

I don't always do that.

Anyway, I realize that all my anxiety

is really coming from my relationship with Adam,

and that there's just something that I've been avoiding

that I think I have to finally face.

What? You know.

What? Sex.

You haven't had sex yet?

It's been, like, three months.

Two and a half.

And you know how I feel.

If you sleep with a guy too soon, it's too easy,

and you're not a challenge anymore.

Oh, Steph, trust me.

You're very challenging.

It's time for Football Sunday.

Today's game is Chicago against Green Bay.

Coming. Coming.

Hey, what's happening? Hey, how you doing?

I got your corned beef. It looked blue.

Game's starting soon.

Where's Brendan?

He's probably still sleeping.

There'll be no sleeping. The Bears are on.

Yo, Brendo! Bears!

Brendan!

He's not here.

Maybe he went home with that girl from the bar.

The girl from the bar.

What girl from the bar?

You know, the girl that he was,

like, flirting with the whole night.

Outstanding.

Fantastic!

What girl from the bar? I'm so proud of you.

Hey, you know what? Let's celebrate, huh?

I gotta tell you, I did not think this breakup was real,

but now that it is, I say, thank God.

'Cause Wendy was ripping your soul out.

But anyway, she's gone. Forever.

A toast. To new beginnings.

To one night stands.

What girl from the bar?

I have no idea.

I kind of slept over at Wendy's last night.

No beer for you. We're not celebrating.

Mmm-mmm.

She called late, we talked.

She was lonely. God...

And then she heard this weird noise in her apartment,

so, look, nothing happened, all right?

You just talked?

Yes, we just talked. I swear.

A little cuddling.

Ooh!

You know what I mean, all right?

Nothing happened.

Huh.

What, "huh"?

Bren, you got a booty call.

What? No, I told you. Nothing happened. We just talked.

No, I know. See, sex is the guy's booty call.

You got the girl booty call.

The girl booty call?

Yeah, it's the most complex of all booty calls,

you see, with the girl booty call, she needs that emotional fix.

You know, the "Hold me, I'm scared,

"it's so lonely here without you."

The minute she finds somebody else, you're out.

That's ridiculous.

Booty calls are not worth it.

That's the one thing you learn as you get older.

That's the one thing?

Yeah, I mean, you know it's not going anywhere,

but she's hot, so you gotta pretend that it might.

And then the next day, you don't call.

Which is fine until you run into her one day,

like, oh, I don't know, she's working at a Lord and Taylor,

and you're trying to buy a pair of pants.

And she hates me.

Who can blame her?

Yes. Sure.

But not only does she hate me, but now everybody hates me

because all of a sudden, I'm that guy.

And no one will sell me a freaking pair of pants.

What's Lord and Taylor? Water tower.

That's a good one. That is a good one.

You know...

You know, it'd be fine if there were just one or two of them,

but there have been so many.

I mean, there are whole parts of this town I haven't been to in years.

I would love to go to the Lincoln Park Zoo.

Hey, the pandas had a baby.

I don't believe that.

It's true.

There are rules in sports that don't exist on paper,

but all the players abide by them.

These unwritten rules keep our excitement for the game alive.

Hey. Stop working, try-hard, game's over.

Don't be a hero. You'll get everybody hurt.

Oh. Wouldn't want to do that.

You know, make the rest of us look bad.

As it is, you're a lot cuter than everybody else.

I don't know. Harve? Kind of foxy,

in like a bloated, pasty way.

Check him out.

I will.

Hey, what are you doing now? You want to grab a beer?

I... Okay.

Sure, that sounds great.

Huh. The unwritten rules. Okay, so, like

throwing out a batter in retaliation?

Yeah, don't take an extra base when you're ahead.

Cleats up, cleats down, that kind of thing, you know?

So I'm gonna submit it to some magazines and...

That's awesome.

I got a few things in Sports Illustrated.

Stories? No. Ads. Yeah.

I was selling baseball cards.

Oh, really? You collect them, too? Yeah.

I just sold an Ernie Banks rookie card.

You sold it? Are you insane?

No. I had two.

I actually... I've been collecting since I was seven.

Wow. Okay. So you were that girl.

You would've broken my heart into a million pieces.

God. I don't know.

I did punch the boys I liked.

Really? That's hot.

No, seriously. That's hot.

What's up, you two?

What's going on? Hey!

Hey, how about that eighth inning, huh?

That kid Hill is something special.

I know, right? He is.

Hey, we're going to the new barbecue place on Ashland, are you in?

Um...

You know what, actually I'm not hungry. I'm happy here.

You're gonna love this place. It's the real deal.

They put the barbecue on Wonder Bread and everything.

Huh. You see, you keep thinking

Wonder Bread's a selling point.

But it's not.

All right.

Well, you guys just let us know how it is, huh?

Really? Come on.

Come on, seriously. Barbecue. Mmm.

And besides, don't leave me alone with this guy.

I've got nothing left to talk to him about.

Come on. All right. You know what? Fine, I could eat.

Why not? Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You sure you don't want to go?

Yeah, sure, sure, sure. I got things to do.

You guys go ahead. Seriously.

All right. Okay.

Well, then, I'll see you tomorrow at the field.

Sounds cool. Okay.

You see, here's where this dating game gets tricky.

I mean, in a split second, I've gone from winning to losing.

But the game's not over, right?

I mean, now I'm the underdog.

Hey, who doesn't root for the underdog?

Maybe I've just lost it.

You haven't lost it.

But you don't want to hear my advice, so...

Okay, I think your problem is you're too much one of the guys.

You're not mysterious. It's not sexy.

And he probably doesn't even know you're interested.

Well, then he's an idiot.

Peej, you're hot.

It wouldn't kill you to strut your stuff once in a while.

Okay, maybe you're right, all right?

Maybe I could put a little effort into it.

For real?

Yeah, like maybe, you could, you know,

help me pick out a cute top, and I'll do my hair. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Can we just mark this moment, the day that you listened to my advice?

Yes, you've worn me down.

Okay, when are you seeing him next? Tomorrow night.

The guys asked him to play poker with us.

Poker game. That's not ideal.

But we can make this work. Okay.

We're gonna get the top. We'll do the hair.

We'll make some hors d'oeuvres. Hmm?

And you may want to think about letting him win.

Oh, God. That's where I draw the line.

Hey.

Oh, hey.

I had the most killer show today.

The guys from Queensryche in my studio, 90 minutes, awesome.

Something burning?

Crap. My hors d'oeuvres.

You made hors d'oeuvres? Yeah.

Wait. You're cooking?

I cook.

You don't cook.

The P.J. I know does not cook.

I do cook. I cook when you're not looking.

Whoa! You look good.

Oh, thanks.

Why?

Hey. I didn't bring beer. I'm planning on mooching.

Are you cooking?

I know, right?

I cook stuff. All right?

And even if I don't, I do now.

Hey! We have arrived.

Hey. All right. Hey, Andy. What's up?

What's going on? All righty.

How's it going? There's the beer. Hey, Andy, this is Bobby.

He's our new shortstop. This is Andy, he's our old shortstop.

Ouch.

I'm P.J.'s brother. Hey.

Here's something weird. She's cooking. What?

Why? I don't know.

Hi, guys. Hey.

Hey, Bobby. Mushroom cap?

Are you wearing make-up?

Yeah. I had this thing earlier.

A make-up thing?

Why don't you go get the table set, and I'll check on the brie.

There's brie?

What's happening?

So on top of everything else, it turns out Bobby's a decent poker player.

You had two. Yes!

Yeah! On Southport, yes. I live right by there.

Oh, my God, I love that place.

Have you had their wings?

Yeah. Like, the best in the city.

And they have the real old school Asteroids.

I know. I don't want to brag, but I'm kind of the reigning champ.

Really? Well, we're gonna have to do something about that.

Okay.

I gotta run.

If I'm late, she'll make me quit this, too.

Okay, Andy, she can't make you do anything.

We both know I have no free will.

It's okay. I've made peace with it.

Catch you guys next week.

Okay, that's depressing.

Yeah.

All right.

Sleepy time. We're out.

Oh, hey. Bobby. Why don't you come with us?

We'll give you a ride.

No. No. You don't need a ride. Stay.

Stay and take the train, or the bus or a cab.

Or do something crazy like walk home.

So thank you for tonight.

I'll see you tomorrow, probably?

Yeah, yeah.

All right. Okay.

I wore this cute top for nothing?

Hello? Hey.

No, no, I'm not doing anything right now.

What do you mean?

Do you want me to come over and check it out?

Okay. Okay, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll be over there in like, two minutes. Okay.

Bye.

What are you doing?

What?

Come on, dude. She's not into you anymore.

She's using you until she finds another guy.

That's not true.

All right. Don't come crying to me when she dumps you again.

Fine. I won't.

Fine.

Have fun in crazy land.

Fine. I will.

Fine.

Hello? P.J. Hey, it's Bobby.

Hey!

Hey. So I am downstairs,

and do you maybe wanna get a drink or something?

Yeah. Come on over.

'Cause we could have a drink here.

Okay.

Well, I'll see you in a minute.

All right. Great.

Oh, cute top. Need my cute top.

Why? Bobby's coming for a drink.

Now? With just you?

Dude, you just totally got a booty call.

I know. Isn't it great?

So it's fine for you to get one, but not for me?

Yeah. Mine's completely consensual.

You are being used by your booty call. Completely different.

You know what? Anyway, bye, have fun. Drive safe.

Oh, so now you want me to go.

Well, I don't really want to be fighting when he gets here,

it's not sexy.

Well, then I might stay. Then I might kill you.

Then I'll go.

Baseball players go through a routine as they step up to the plate.

You knock the dirt off your cleats, you tighten your glove,

and you just pray you make contact.

Hey.

Hey.

Thank you.

Look, P.J., I don't want you to think I...

I mean, I just came up to... You know...

I'm fine if we don't...

I just came for a drink.

Really? That's the only reason you came back?

Yes.

Oh, hey, you want to see my baseball card collection?

It's in my bedroom.

Wow, that is some collection.

Yeah. It's been building for a while.

P.J., look, I just want to say that I really like you,

and whatever happens tonight...

Oh, Bobby. You don't need to give me the speech, okay?

What speech?

You know, the "We'll be friends anyway" speech.

I know we'll be friends.

You do? Yeah.

And let's be honest, we're both grownups here, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Um, I guess.

What's wrong?

Uh...

I don't know, you're, uh...

You're kind of freaking me out a little bit.

Oh, God, look. Oh, I'm sorry.

Here. Come sit down. We'll take it slower.

Oh! That... That... That's what's freaking me out.

Can you maybe not say that stuff?

What stuff?

The guy stuff. I mean, guys act like that.

Girls say things like, um,

"Wait. Why is this happening so fast?"

Or, "How do I know this isn't just a one night stand?"

But that would be completely acting.

Fine, but that's hot.

Okay, fine.

Okay, look, Bobby.

This is really happening just so fast,

and I mean, we don't know each other very well,

and how do I know it isn't just a one night stand?

So you're mocking me.

Only a little bit.

Well, thank you for tonight.

I had a really, um...

A weird time.

Well, you're weird.

You know, I thought some parts were pretty okay, though.

Yeah. Me, too.

Okay, so, I'll see you around.

Not if I see you first.

Okay. Right.

You see, this sucks.

I mean, there's no umpires, there's no referees,

there's nobody to call a foul.

Nobody to throw a flag.

I mean, come on, shouldn't somebody get a penalty here?

Hey, I just passed Bobby. He seemed weird.

He is weird.

Maybe I'm weird. I don't really know.

Hey, you're back.

So I tried to kiss her.

Yeah?

You know, romantically?

And she turned her head. So I asked her, I said,

"Are we getting back together, or am I just here to talk?"

Right.

God, I feel cheap.

And damn you for being right.

Okay, I was just trying to protect you.

Whatever.

There are some parts of the game

you have to learn through experience

in order to become a more complete player.

You see, the difference between love and sports

is that sports have very few unwritten rules, and so many ones we all know.

I mean, can you imagine what it would be like

if the foul line was always moving,

or if sometimes it was two strikes and you're out?

If you've ever tried to date someone, you probably can.

You guys should get drinks.

You're gonna have to go get drinks after the game.

What?