Original subtitles

You wanna go to skinny dipping?

Sure, lesbo.

You are.

You are though, really.

Okay everyone,

we have two very special officers from the local PD,

who will be giving us a period of instructions

on active shooters.

Move it Lance.

We've gotta teach you every time to defend yourself.

Do they use a real gun?

No, they're just like, simulating crisis at first.

Bridges gave this to me.

He knows we're in his office.

Shit.

Got your fucking chicken.

You address her as ma'am.

Thank you, sir.

Can I get a volunteer?

Do you wanna get out of here?

There are three simple things we can all do

during today's demonstration, to combat an active shooter.

One.

Hey, get over here.

Go, go, run.

Hide.

Bang bang, mother fucker.

Fight.

You cannot apprehend me.

To my right,

are your friends and colleagues,

whose lives you could have saved

had you paid more attention.

Oh shit.

Don't even fucking think it.

Come on, hey wait, wait.

Juan, come over.

Indecision results in death.

If you don't come out right now,

I'm gonna smoke this bitch.

It's not your fault.

Don't close your eyes.

Don't close your eyes, fuck.

Everybody dies.

That's just the way that it goes.

But what distinguishes one man from the next,

is how he lived his life in between the dates

that are etched in his tombstone.

Today, we memorialize one of those men,

by posthumously awarding, Lieutenant Joffrey Bridges

for the valor that he showed outside of combat.

Thank you for your service.

In addition,

we need to bring attention to those

who sacrifice themselves for us.

The brotherhood that we share,

when we fight for one another and lay down our lives

for the person to the left and to the right of us.

And because of that,

I am proud to award,

United States army soldiers medal,

to my friend and colleague,

Sergeant Richard Felt Butts.

Congratulations and good job.

Thank you, Sergeant Dean.

And thank all of you for being here today.

And for believing in me.

You know, I used to think this was all one big simulation,

but now I know, it's real.

This big flat piece of earth we're all sharing today,

is very real.

Almost as real as genetically modified beehives,

or nine-11.

No, no.

Or other deep state activities.

Stop, stop, gimme the mic.

- That our. - Stop it.

Superiors are hiding from us.

Stupid, thank you.

Sergeant Butts, a true American hero,

words of wisdom, we'll never forget.

The bar is open for one more hour,

so everybody have a good time and be responsible.

All right, thank you all for coming.

The award system is total bullshit, Cera.

Thanks for your service.

You're welcome.

Oh, hi.

God bless you.

And God bless you.

Butts, I'm so sorry.

I was selfish and I ignored you and-

Lawrence, Lawrence.

There's only one thing worse than crisis actors

and that's people trying to hurt my friends.

I love you, man.

I love you.

Apes, together, strong.

Okay.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Ah, my stitches.

Oh, sorry.

So what got the bullet?

Oh, I had a little help,

from my friends.

Excuse me.

What's a girl gotta do to get a drink around here?

I'll be right back.

So what's with the foot?

Oh, ah, the other bullet grazed my pinky toe.

I'm gonna be honest with you.

I can walk it,

but I'm thinking about getting a little

sympathy fuck out of it.

All right, soldier's medal recipient right here folks.

So what's next?

Oh well, I'm definitely gonna be milking

this heroism thing for a couple of years.

Probably do some speaking engagements,

live off-

holy fuck.

♪ I'm a high flyer. ♪

♪ I got the right stuff. ♪

♪ I'm the King of the heart, ♪

♪ Got the good stuff. ♪ ♪

My God,

get the fuck out of the way, Laurence.

Yeah.

Or I buy you a drink bitch?

Oh, please.

That's so cool.

Okay, do you want a drink, hun?

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

He's fucking ignoring me this whole time.

How do I get a guy's attention?

Flash your tits.

What, are you new at this?

You have a lot to work with.

I do, I do.

They need to come out and play a little.

I'm not gonna second guess that decision.

What are you having?

Probably a finger of whiskey,

maybe two.

Ooh, two baby.

Oh, shit.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

My apologies.

Hi.

How are you doing?

I'm good.

How are you?

Pretty good.

Rick butts.

Hmm, oh no, what happened?

I just got a little booboo, no big deal.

Do you need me to take care of you?

Yeah, I might need a ride to the hospital.

I'm sure I can fix something up, if you're in pain.

Yeah, you wanna put them sirens on?

I do.

We're better get there fast.

Let's go baby.

Oh my God,

well, this is happening.

Hey man, I'm so sorry.

I'm such an idiot for not telling you about Williams.

I don't know what the heck I was thinking.

I just didn't wanna spoil the moment,

you were having there. - Cera, Cera.

I get it,

and, I accept your apology bud,

we're a team, all right?

I mean, you've had my back since the beginning.

Just no more secrets, got it?

So we're cool?

We'll always be cool.

Dean's spinning game over there.

Hey my little schmuffin.

Come here, my little tube nugget.

Come here

Now, you guys can finally meet.

Yeah, that's great.

Nathan, meet my girlfriend, Vanessa.

Vanessa, my partner in crime, Nathan.

Oh, Nathan, it's so nice to finally meet you.

Likewise.

I've heard a lot of amazing things about you.

Like what?

Oh, you know about that mole.

Yeah, the mole that we had in the military.

Yeah.

Oh, and this is my friend Brianna.

Hi, it's nice to meet you.

Hi, I'm a hugger.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, can you give me one second?

Uh, huh.

Please?

Cera, what does my dad doing here?

Oh, you said you were busy.

Take me out to the ballgame.

There he is.

Happy to see your son.

And this must be the lovely Vanessa.

So nice to meet you, Mr?

Oh, get away with that, I'm a hugger.

Call me Kim.

Man, I can tell this one's a keeper already.

Stop, Mr. Kim, you're embarrassing me.

Well done son.

Dad, what are you doing here?

Oh, I'm here to take my boy to ballgame.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure, excuse us ladies.

He really does have that mole.

Hey, little pepper.

Can you just not call me little pepper.

- Oh, what gives. - I'm an adult.

Tell me what's wrong.

So yeah, we arrested him,

but I literally punched the fight out of him.

My God, that's crazy.

That's what he said.

Wow, this is joy.

What, I got a booger in my nose, or something?

No, actually, shit.

No, I was just thinking that you're a really great guy.

Shut up.

You are.

I know I already thanked you, for the whole-

Saving your life thing?

Yeah.

Yeah, no big deal.

That old thing.

But I just,

I hope that you find somebody that deserves you.

What if I already have?

Oh, I'm just gonna,

I need to go to the bathroom.

Yeah, of course.

Sorry, I'll be right back.

Okay, yeah, okay.

What the fuck was that Jimmy?

You fuckin',

you wanna fuck tonight?

You wanna fuck, Jimmy?

You stupid bastard.

Just fucking roofing your drink.

Oh my God, I'm in charge of people.

Somebody put me in fucking charge of people.

Do you mind if I motor boat your tits a little bitch?

Oh yeah, it's fine.

You're just in fucking charge.

Hey bro, sorry, this-

What's up bruh?

Sir.

I love you.

Excuse me.

What is this?

That's Go cheese.

No, that is not Go cheese.

Maybe a Jarlsberg or a Buford,

but that is not Go cheese.

Do you have anything a little more robust?

Maybe a Cheese Gorsky or a Rockpool perhaps.

I think there's some cheddar in the back.

No.

That was disappointing.

You would think there'd be a little more

cheese diversification in their diets.

Do you wanna get out of here?

Yes, I would like to go

to the Charcuterie down the street.

They have wonderful-

To my place.

Yes, my lady.

Dad, it's like you've adopted him.

You guys have your own handshake.

What the f-?

What is this milking shit?

Dad, we don't have our own handshake.

Wait here,

please wait here.

But you're a man.

And he's a good kid, but he's just that, he's a kid.

Mr. Lawrence I presume.

Yes sir, you can call me Kim.

Oh, Mr. Kim, I would like to let you know

that your son right here,

has the most inflamed,

the biggest, the most reddish, pink gorilla sized balls

I have ever seen.

He's never seen my balls, okay.

What I meant to say was,

I don't deserve this.

It was your son's sacrifice

and sticking his neck out for everyone,

that saved the day.

Well, I'm just lucky that I had another shot

at redemption after that.

I am truly blessed, to be in the presence of such a hero.

And my friend.

Thank you.

Thank you for that.

Thank you very much.

Thanks, so much.

Hey, I'm really proud of you.

I love you dad.

I love you too son.

Yeah, Vanessa's friend over there,

she's been eyeballing you, this entire time.

Fuck, She's kind of cute.

Why you to take these?

Are you sure they're not for your other son?

Look, you may have outgrown my lap,

but you haven't outgrown my heart.

That's cheesy as fuck dad.

Look I saw it on a Snapple cap, okay.

Just go over there, she's looking at you.

Go say hi.

She's like,

she's a 10.

Yeah, I think you got a shot.

You're pulling a solid four.

4.5 dad.

Yeah, you get that from your mom's side.

Thanks.

You guys go have fun.

Make a little, Eurasian babies.

Sir, sir.

I think the tits would help.

So, you can just switch back like that.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Pretty much.

Okay.

They shouldn't get so expensive on a cop's salary, man.

I'm sure touched.

Yeah, so I'm kind of gender fluid now.

Fluid.

Yeah.

Fluid.

I think the secondary term is

heterosexual, cisgender male.

- Male. - Male.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Just kind of want it to be a Dubin tits.

You know what I mean?

Oh yeah.

I can get behind that, I did.

Yeah, thanks again.

So, when we used to,

Does this mean I'm gay?

For sure.

Yeah. - Some people.

Pretty gay actually.

So you're gay?

Oh no, I was a chick when we fucked me, man.

Are you kidding me?

Oh, hey, how are you?

Wait, are you two a thing?

Yeah, we're going two, three months now?

- Yeah. - Of course.

She's my rock.

Yeah.

Great, great, great.

It's a lot of fun.

Yeah, yeah.

Anyways, it's nice to meet you bro.

Cool, yeah,

awesome, great.

You stay up.

I will.

I'm gonna have difficulty.

I'll see you at the locals?

Of course, yeah.

See ya.

I'm gonna get a tattoo.

Okay, are you sure?

I'm good.

Have a nice day.

You guys have a nice day.

Thank you.

Have a nice day.

Oh my God, I don't even know women with bigger tits.

Oh, Oh, I'm a pornstar, man

it's okay.

I fucking felt it on my leg.

I knew I felt it on my leg.

Oh my God,

how am I ever gonna go back to being straight?

Wanna play on my titties?

Yes, yes, yes.

I know a good rub and tug.

Fuck it, I'm down.

Let's do this.

There's so much penned up aggression.

Wait, you've always been a lady, right?

As far as I know.

Okay, yeah that's good.

Alright I don't care, whatever.

Is this place Asian?

Nihau mother fucker.

They still do that crazy shit with her feet?

That's a 100 dollars more...

I don't even care right now.

It used to be 50,

but I guess inflation hits us all different.

Sorry, honey boo boo.

Any discounts for white boys?

On 4th of July.

Damnit, can't even leave a dollar short.

♪ I'll take you there. ♪ ♪

Well, howdy do, there?

Looks like sea biscuit's up an item.

Are you ready for rounds 12, 13, 14?

I'm just kidding there soldier boy.

But seriously,

how do you like your eggs?

Scrambled?

Or sunny side up?

And I'm Alabaster Chrome, sir.

And crispy bacon, Alagerg.

Live fast, die young,

bad girls do it well.

Live fast, die young,

bad girls do it too best.

I let my chain hit my chest,

when I'm banging on the dance floor.

A chain hit my chest on the radio.

Darrel, how many times must I say?

I want my bread pudding after dinner, not before.

As you can see,

I have terrible bowel movements because of dairy.

I called the Grubhub guy,

he should be here in about 30 minutes.

Please tip the boy.

Quiet, I got news for you shit lips.

We caught your boss.

That is bad news.

Bad news for you.

For you.

Did you hear that Mia?

Joe Rogan, Johnny Stamos.

For you, Darrel.

For you.

Live fast, die young,

bad girls do it the best, Mia.

Oh Mia, I remember in the hotel lobby.

We locked eyes and I was so stupid,

so stupid, I didn't see.

Darrel, I need lotion and baby wipes, now.

Joe Rogan, please don't look.

Darrel, baby wipes, lotion.

Breath in, splat.