All language subtitles for Abbott Elementary s05e06 No Phones.eng

- [Ava] Take that, Crystal.
- [Charlie clears throat]

- Now what did you do to get sent here?
- I called my teacher a bad word.

Okay, and what word was that?

I can't say it again.

- Well, what did it start with?
- An N.

Charlie.

I didn't know it was bad.
All the other kids called me that.

That's 'cause they thought you were cool,
but that ends now. Calling your parents.

They say it too.

They what?

Oh, so you just got a whole family
full of Morgan Wallens, huh?

Dia, get Charlie's parents on the phone.

What is going on?

Girl, Charlie up in here going full
Tarantino. I'm gonna have to expel him.

Oh, Ava, no. Mr. Small sent Charlie
in here because he called him a nerd.

- [PA system beeps]
- Attention teachers,

do not send anyone to my office
unless they actually say a bad word.

I was about to
have Al Sharpton up in here.

Who's Al Sharpton?

Go back to class and learn something.

My God.

And don't turn the air conditioning
below 70 or the heat above 71.

Mr. Johnson
won't break eye contact with me

until I say
that the HVAC system is fragile.

That's right. I reached out to the
district to send someone. They have not.

Listen to me, y'all.
It's bad. I'm serious.

I know everyone thinks of me as
Mr. Funny Bones, but this ain't no joke.

[Ava] What else is going on
in this school?

- Now, where are those sassy Bitmojis?
- [Ava continues indistinctly]

I find those are the ones
that are the most disrespectful.

What are you doing?

I've got to say happy birthday
to Sister Sloss on the choir group chat,

- even though I loathe her.
- Here's what you do.

You wait until you see
a couple of people said happy birthday,

- and she already said thank you...
- Yeah?

...then you send your happy birthday.
She has to say thank you again [chuckles]

That's great.

Hey. What I miss?

- Did you make it to the mechanic in time?
- Yeah.

Yeah? Okay.

My car was making a weird noise,
so I dropped it off.

Oh, oh. Make the noise
and maybe we could diagnose it.

- Yeah.
- Ah. Yeah, it was a... [clicking tongue]

- Yeah, I don't know anything about cars.
- Yeah, me neither.

Gregory, stop making broken
brake caliper noises and pay attention.

Although, it does sound like
your bushings are about to go.

Now, as discussed,

Abbott will be participating
in the district's new PHONES initiative,

and here to tell us more
about that is this lady.

It's Emily. You know me.

Okay, if you say so.

Since phone usage
has been so high in schools,

the district came up with
a counter initiative.

"Phones Harm One's
Natural Environment in Schools." PHONES.

It's one day where the students
are rewarded for staying off their phones,

and today is that day.

Everyone will put their phones
in these boxes,

and if opened,
an alert will be sent to the district,

and Abbott will be disqualified.

Every school that makes it
the entire day will get a pizza party.

[cheering]

- Other schools are participating?
- Yep.

Uh, Bates Academy,
McDowell, Liberty Rings-

Crystal Riley's school?

All right, kids, hurry up, put your phones
in the box. We need to win this.

[groaning]

We don't want to do this challenge.

- You are on your phones all day.
- You'll be fine.

- Who do you need to talk to?
- This is good for you.

You don't need that phone.

And I'll take the staff phones too.

- [Melissa] What now?
- [Ava] Pardon? [chuckles]

No phones day is for staff
and faculty too, not just kids.

There's no iPhones in team.

I just got a free hour on Toon Blast.

Now, guys, it's okay.
We should lead by example.

Well, it's just one day. It'll be fine.

Well, we'll be fine.
I don't know about you youngsters.

Oh, please. We will be just fine.
It's y'all I'm worried about. [chuckles]

Well, that's a waste
of a free hour game, I can tell you that.

Uh, smartwatches too.

Well, I guess I'll just check
my metabolic capacity by hand then today.

Just tracking my health.

Ava, it's just one day.

Fine, I can do it. [grunts]

I absolutely cannot do it. These people
are crazy. I'm getting my burner phone.

[? relaxing instrumental music playing]

See, everyone? Isn't reading much better
when you don't have a bunch of phones

beeping and buzzing all the time?

May I go to the bathroom?

Yes, you may. Come on up.

Okay, now what is the date?

- The 5th.
- The 5th, right.

Oh, wait, the 5th.

I pay rent on the 5th.

Isn't rent due on the 1st?

You sound like my landlord. [chuckles]

[grunts] I usually pay rent on my phone.

All right, um...

Everyone, keep on reading, okay.
I will be right back.

Here you go.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Do you pay your rent
through the Rental Venue portal app?

If so, can I use your phone? I need
to pay rent before 4:00 p.m.,

or I get a bunch of late fees.

You're forgetting
I also don't have my phone.

Oh, shoot.

Which is a problem for me, the
mechanic said he would text me updates.

- Oh, no. [sighs]
- Yeah.

I need my car
for my food driver shift tonight.

- Right.
- So...

Man. How did people
pay rent before phones?

[gasps] Well, I think they wrote
a check to their landlord.

- Right. Yeah, checks.
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.

- And those come in a checkbook. Right.
- Checkbook. Yeah.

- I totally know where mine is. Yeah.
- Me too. Yeah.

- What is that?
- A burner phone.

Ava. No one is allowed
to have their phone.

What do you think you're doing?

Cheating. I wanna beat Crystal,
but I need a phone.

And if you say anything,
you will be fired.

Make all the notes you want, Dia.

You'll be making them
at the unemployment office soon.

I am so proud of you guys.
Giving up your phones is a big deal.

But I think we're all gonna like
being disconnected for a bit.

But you're on your computer right now.

So I am. May as well check for updates.

Today's news
is tomorrow's history, as they say.

[gasps] The Supreme Court
handed down its decision

in the Idaho Department of Water Resources
versus the US Bureau of Reclamation.

Okay. Okay. [typing]

[grunts] Legacy media is too slow
for big moments like this.

I need live reactions.

Oh, uh, no phone. Okay. Yeah.
[scoffs] Yeah. This is fine. [chuckles]

Uh, we don't know how people are reacting.

They don't know how... how I'm reacting,
um, and that's fine. It's fine.

Hey, why don't you
just log into Twitter on your computer?

First of all,
I don't use that platform anymore.

And second,
you would love that, wouldn't you?

I forgot to log out of my computer
one time, and the kids got a hold of it.

For the record, and despite
what my second most viral tweet says,

I do not love to eat my boogers.
In fact, I hate it.

Hey, Barb, did I ever...

[whispers] Sorry.

Did I ever mention the password
to my fantasy team to you?

Not now, Melissa.
I can't log into my lesson plan.

Oh, you think that's bad? I'm down
six points on my fantasy football,

and I just heard Mahomes
is out with a "sore foot."

Plus I'm waiting on some dumb medical
results to come into my health portal.

Medical results?

It's nothing.
I got a sharp pain in my side.

- It's there a few weeks, won't go away.
- Melissa, this sounds serious.

No, what's serious is me getting
Mahomes on the bench before kickoff, Barb.

Well, I can't text my choir group chat,

and if I'm the last person
to wish Sister Sloss a happy birthday,

she will never let it go.

- She nasty that way.
- Ow

[Ava] I gotta have one somewhere.

Ava, some of us are working.

And some of us are trying to find
a charger for this near-extinct phone.

Wait, your phone's probably ancient.
Let me borrow your charger.

Ain't nobody got that old charger anymore.

You can survive one day
without your damn phone.

[imitating Dia] "You can survive one day
without your damn phone."

[humming]

[chuckles] Oh, hey. [chuckles]

I'm doing great so far. I have reminders
set for everything on my to-do list,

but since I don't have my phone,
I have nothing to do. [chuckles]

But I have a rich imagination though,
so I never get bored.

[exhales sharply]

- Hey. Did you sort your rent out?
- Hey. No.

I can't find my checkbook,
so I'm gonna have to go down to the bank.

- Did you get in touch with your mechanic?
- No.

I checked the website and there
was a phone number in blue font,

and a photo of the mechanic's dad,
who's been dead.

So I'm gonna call when I get a break.

With what? [chuckles]

A landline.

You know what? This is bad.

I kind of think we should
forfeit the challenge. Is that insane?

- No, it's not. Yeah.
- Right?

You're struggling, I'm struggling.
You know the kids are struggling.

- I bet they just want to call it off.
- They're gonna be relieved. Watch.

Hey, kids.
This no phones thing is the pits, right?

[all] No.

I love not having a phone.

I already finished my homework
for today and tomorrow.

- And I painted this picture.
- [students laugh]

- Oh, wow. Do you...
- Wow.

Hey, hey. Oh, Deonte, Dwayne,

We said if you two
cannot get along, we don't sit by...

It's okay, Ms. Teagues. Without phones,
we realized we have a lot in common.

We're friends now.

[sighs]

Yeah, I think to call out
from the landline in your classroom,

it's star, zero, and the phone number.

- Copy that. Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Salt and pepper.
- [student] Got it.

[? upbeat instrumental music playing]

[whispers] Psst. Hey.

What's up?

Are either of you signed
into Twitter on your computers?

- No.
- Mm-mmm.

Ha! That was a trick question,
as we should all be on Bluesky.

Are you logged into that?

Uh, no. Those sites
are banned on work computers

ever since we all found out
how much you love to eat boogers.

- [laughs]
- Hey, for the last time... [groans]

I need my phone, guys. [breathes shakily]

I admit this is a little bit more
inconvenient than we thought it'd be,

- but the kids are really happy.
- Yeah, try to focus on the kids.

The kids are doing great.
They're laughing.

They're making up trends without a camera.
They're dancing like no one's watching.

- Bet they're totally fine.
- Oh, of course they are.

- They've lived centuries without devices.
- I know.

I will admit, I do miss my...
I love that picture of me.

- [Melissa] Hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

I've been off balance
all day without my phone necklace.

Okay, I know it sucks, but we can't
let them see us sweat, all right?

- This is supposed to be easy for us.
- Yeah.

- [Melissa] How you doing?
- [laughs]

Play it cool. They think
we're gonna fail because we're young.

How's it going down there?

Oh. So good. But we are
sending you strength.

Aw, thank you for that.
We're gonna send it back.

We, um...

Ava, Ava. Um, it must be really hard
not to text O'Shon, huh?

How you holding up, chica?

I never text O'Shon, he texts me.

And this is the easiest thing
I've ever done.

[Jacob sighs]

- [sighs] I gotta go to the bank.
- Yeah, I gotta call my mechanic.

[grunts] The Supreme Court decision
in Idaho is heating up

and none of my followers
know where I stand. [chuckles]

What if people are changing their
profile pictures to potatoes to protest?

- Is it really that big a deal?
- Yes.

[pants] I hope the other teachers
are handling this better than I am.

Hey, does anybody have
the ESPN Fantasy Sports app?

- I do.
- Yes!

- But it's on my phone.
- [students laugh]

Wow, you really can't handle
not having your phone, huh?

You'd be upset too
if you were down six points

to a team called "Aaron Rodger's
Really-Hot-Totally-Not-Fake Wife."

[inhales sharply, groans]
Does anybody have

the Jefferson Health patient portal?
Anybody got that?

- Isn't that also on your phone?
- [students laugh]

[Melissa] Okay, new assignment.

Everybody come up with five potential
reasons for a sharp pain in the side.

The more descriptive, the better.

And that's who runs the world now, kids.

[exhales deeply] Mr. Johnson,
thank you so much for watching my class.

I'm sure my students
are now very enlightened.

Someone has to teach at this school.

Totally. Thanks.

Bye, kids. And remember what I said.

Guys, forget everything Mr. Johnson said.

Oh, and, um, go back to your worksheets,
and I'll be right back, okay?

[sighs]

- That was a quick trip. You pay your rent?
- [Janine] Nope.

Turns out without my phone, I have no GPS
and no idea how to get to the bank.

Drove around in circles for a while,
then I asked a man for directions,

he tells me to go right at
the light and [bleep] at the corner.

So I came back here.

Get in touch with your mechanic?

- I've been on hold.
- [? gentle music playing]

What's up? It's Reggie's Auto Pros.

It's super easy to get in touch
with me using the app I made.

- Not everyone needs an app!
- Search for Reggie's App

- wherever you get your apps...
- It's fine.

I'll just call a cab
and go down there myself.

[Reggie's] Peace.

God, it's like
I can still feel it in my pocket.

I know.

All right now, hold on, babies.

If Mrs. Howard
can just break into this computer...

- [computer error tone]
- [groans]

...then we would know
the rest of our schedule.

- Mrs. Howard.
- Yes, baby.

Can you play the afternoon song
so we can sing?

That is a wonderful idea. Now I will just...

I don't have my phone.
You see, children, Spotify is on my phone,

which is why we should have
never strayed from records and CDs.

Are you okay, Mrs. Howard?

Yes, but I'm just a little frustrated.

I have not been able
to wish my "friend" a happy birthday

because I don't have my phone.

- Oh, that's bad.
- Yes, it is.

Plus, any day now,
my grandbaby could arrive and...

Oh, wait a minute now.

If Taylor gives birth today,
that would be on Sister Sloss's birthday.

Oh, no.

Or "Oh, yes."

Because then I could upstage Sister Sloss.

And every birthday from now on,

she would be reminded of me,
Barbara Howard.

I need my phone.

ESPN just sent me a text alert.
I can hear it in there.

You're also waiting
for important medical information.

What? Oh, no, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh.

- Oh.
- [screams]

- What are you three doing in here?
- Uh, we came to read.

[chuckles] You came to
break into the boxes.

- [Janine] Yes.
- Yeah.

- [Melissa] Give me that.
- Yeah.

Okay. You gotta do it... You hear the click...

[Jacob] Oh, yeah.

[Ava] The hell going on in here?

- Uh, nothing.
- Uh... Reconnecting with books.

[Melissa] Mm-hmm.

Yes. And it has been
so nice to spend time with books.

Yeah, without all the stupid distractions.

Like work. Yuck.

Good, 'cause
I've been enjoying this break.

You know, I didn't think I would,
but really, it's recentered me.

What?

Ava, what's that on your ankle?

- [Ava] My foot.
- No, no, no. Something lit up.

[Barbara, Melissa] Mm-hmm.

It's my ankle monitor.
I'm on house arrest.

I know that animation anywhere.
You just closed a movement ring.

[Ava] Please. [laughs]

[gasps]

Ha! Forbidden fruit.
She's wearing a smartwatch.

Fine, I can't take this.

It's straight up torture.
I need my phone. Y'all better than me.

[gasps] We are not better than you.

I need my phone too.

- I hate to admit it, this was a bad idea.
- Very bad.

Okay, why don't we just
take the L like champs?

We'll crack open these cases,
spend the rest of the day blasting toons.

- I like that.
- Yeah. Okay.

Dia, would you please
go down to the office, get the keys,

so that we can free our phones?

Now, before I walk
all the way down to admin-

It's 27 steps.

- Are you all sure you want to forfeit?
- Absolutely.

- I would do anything.
- Yep. Ticktock, let's rock.

[Janine] Mm-hmm.

- [Barbara] Dia.
- Where do you think you're going?

Uh...

Where do you think you're going?

First off, do not speak to Dia like that.

She is to be treated
with respect at most times.

Second, she's going to get
the key to unlock our phones.

- What about the PHONES initiative?
- Okay, I got it.

Um, Courtney... [chuckles]
What's up, girlfriend?

Hey, so we tried, we really did.

But we have important
adult responsibilities

that require us to have our phones,
like paying our rent late.

Or finding out what's wrong with my car.

Or learning
if my daughter's gone into labor.

Or if Mahomes
is still on the injured list.

- I don't care about your sad problems.
- Sad? Excuse me.

You expect our school to give up
and lose out on a pizza party

because y'all aren't responsible
enough to handle your business.

- All right, this is getting hurtful.
- What?

Hey, how about we just buy you
pizza, right? Then it's a win-win.

How can you buy pizza?
You can't even afford to pay rent.

That is a good point.
That's a good point though.

- She has a point.
- [teachers clamoring]

Okay. Listen, little girl.
We're all gonna chip in, okay?

Yes.

That way we get our phones,
and you get your beloved pizza. Deal?

[chuckles] Nope.
A deal insinuates there's more to get.

Oh, we gave her too much sauce
at that science fair.

- We really did.
- Yeah.

- Courtney, what do you want?
- A trip to Disney World.

- Oh, deal.
- [Ava] No.

- You need to let that dream go.
- Mm-hmm.

This is called negotiating.

Okay, we want a pizza day,

wings, soda,
and KPop Demon Hunters on repeat.

No soda, but you can have the rest.

Deal.

- Now, Dia, go get them damn keys.
- Yes.

[laughs]

You know, Courtney,
one day you're gonna be in high school

and this won't all be so cute.

But for now, adorable.

I gotta be honest with you, I had no idea

that it was gonna be this hard
to go one day without a phone.

And I don't know what that says about me.

Or, you know,
phone companies or society at large,

but I'm sure somewhere
in there there's a valuable lesson.

- Come on.
- Let's go. Come on.

- Come on. Thank you.
- Dia, yes.

[cheers, laughs]

So much for the quiet zone.
I was just getting to the good part.

Is Andrea in that one?

That's what I call my Android.

Oh. Yeah. Okay.

- [chuckles]
- Four missed calls.

Okay, "Two broken brake calipers.
Best to change all four.

It will be pricier, like 300 per wheel.

Gonna replace all four,
better safe than sorry.

Didn't hear from you,
so assume that's cool." $1,200!

- [groans]
- Gosh.

My rent is sent though. [chuckles]
So no late fees for me.

- [grunts]
- Suck it, credit score. [chuckles]

Oh, text from my landlord.

"Do not flush your toilet.

And if you need it fixed
before the weekend, text me by noon."

- What the hell?
- Huh?

- Yes!
- Good news?

Yeah, I got Mahomes benched,
picked up Stroud,

and I got another free hour on Toon Blast.

And your medical issue?

Oh, yeah, I gotta get my gallbladder
removed, but it's laparoscopic.

I only missed 76 DMs.
My phone dry as hell.

Yeah, I missed like a ton of texts,
so I feel you.

I missed six, all from Crate & Barrel.

It's a big sale.
Yeah, it's good to be connected.

I can't believe today of all days,
I couldn't tap in.

The day that the court sided with the
Reclamation Bureau, you know? [chuckles]

I could have stopped this.

- How?
- Gregory, Gregory, Gregory.

Information is power.

There, changed my profile picture.

And I've got so many people
to update that I've made a group chat.

I'm calling it Best Spuds.

Just hope I'm not too late.

- [screams, gasps]
- What?

Just Us Justice tagged me
in a "your silence is deafening" post.

And Zohran Mamdani liked it.
Oh, I'm gonna be violently sick.

[gasps] Oh, oh.

Gerald, sweetheart, are you okay?

Wait, what?
No, I haven't had my phone all day.

[Melissa] What's wrong?

- Wait, really? Okay, all right.
- What?

I'm on my way. And you better
tell her don't push until I get there.

- Oh
- [cheers]

Yes.

Okay, Taylor's water broke.
She's on her way to the hospital.

- Yes!
- [cheering]

- Oh, I spoke this into existence.
- Okay.

Oh! [grunts]

[inhales deeply]
Happy birthday, Sister Sloss!

Exclamation point.

Excuse my lateness,

it seems you will be sharing
a birthday with my grandbaby.

- [Melissa chuckles]
- [chuckles]

That's how you do that.

So the bad news is you couldn't
make it a day without your phones.

The other bad news
is no other school did either.

This initiative
was a huge swing and a miss by me.

People need their phones
and the district is mad at me.

Damn. Any good news, Eeyore?

Well, yes. Uh, although you failed,

you did make it further
than any other school in the district.

So we're gonna give you the pizza party.

- [cheering]
- Yeah.

Why didn't you lead with that?
I could've been gloating this whole time.

You see that, kids?
You still get to have a pizza party.

Uh-uh. You still have to
make good on our deal.

We don't want a pizza party.
We want a pizza day.

No learning, just pizza
and movies and fun. We shook on it.

Can't argue with that.

Surely we can.

Oh, right,
that's what I was supposed to do.

- What? Recycle?
- I never do that.

Says here
to talk to Emily from the district

about the HVAC while she's still here.

Well, damn.

Guess that kite has sailed.

[microwave beeping]

- This is nice.
- [Gregory] Hmm?

- I said, "This is nice."
- [Gregory] Hmm.

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