All language subtitles for ok---eng---Blue.Collar.Comedy.Tour.One.For.The.Road.2006.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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♪ How lucky can one guy be

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♪ I kissed her and
she kissed me ♪

♪ Like the fella once said,
ain't that a kick in the head ♪

♪ The room was
completely black ♪

♪ I hugged her and
she hugged back ♪

♪ Like the sailor said, quote,
ain't that a hole in a boat ♪

♪ My head keeps spinnin', I go
to sleep and keep grinnin' ♪

♪ If this is just
the beginnin' ♪

[Jeff coughing]

♪ My life is gonna
be beautiful ♪

♪ She's telling
me we'll be wed ♪

♪ She's picked out
a king size bed ♪

♪ I couldn't feel any
better or I'd be sick ♪

♪ Tell me quick, oh,
ain't love a kick ♪

♪ Tell me quick

♪ Ain't love a
kick in the head ♪

[glass shattering]

- [Narrator] Please
put your hands together

for Mr. Bill Engvall.

[audience applauds]
[crowd cheering]

- Thank you very much.

It is great to be here
in the nation's capital.

[crowd cheering]

Wow.

It is so great to be here.

'Cause I was afraid I wasn't
gonna be able to make it

'cause I thought I broke my
ribs 'cause I'm an idiot.

[audience laughing]

Well, I bought my son a
trampoline. [chuckles]

You see where this is headed?

[audience laughing]

Well, you know the rule,

the one that puts it together
gets to try it out first.

[audience laughing]

He was off at school, I got
this thing all put together

and I started to climb up on it.

My wife goes, "Hey, hey, hey,

why don't you wait for him
to get home from school?

I said, "Hey, hey, hey, why
don't you hush, please?"

[audience laughing]

I ain't that big
idiot, all right?

[audience laughing]

So I hop up on this trampoline.

I started jumping up and
down, it all came back to me.

I said, "Oh, I remember this."

Tried doing seat
drops and knee drops.

Yeah, then I got cocky.

[audience laughing]

I forgot one very important
thing about a trampoline,

if you don't hit square,
you go up at an angle

and you don't come down
at that same angle.

You come down in a equal
and opposite angle.

Yeah, I'm 20 feet in the air,

now my high school
geometry kicks in.

As I curl into
the fetal position

and bang off the
rail onto the ground.

My wife's laughing so hard
she nearly peed herself.

[audience laughs]

I learned two important things
that day about a trampoline.

Number one, the springs will
pull the hair out of your legs.

[audience laughing]

[Bill laughing]

And number two, the dog
doesn't like to jump.

[audience laughing]

It's a wonder I'm alive,

I'm always doing
idiotic stuff like that.

Anybody ever set
your hair on fire?

[audience cheers]

Me too and not the
hair on my head.

[audience laughing]

Oh, shall we not go to
the gutter so quick?

[audience laughing]

It was the hair on my arm.

Now I want you to think
back to when you were a kid,

do you remember the day you
realized you could burn ants

with a magnifying glass?

Oh, what a great day that
was, you got to be God.

You decided who lived, who died?

I must have burned ants
for an hour, just laughing.

Then I saw one on my arm.

[audience laughs]

Let me tell you something,

you burn yourself with
a magnifying glass,

you're on your own.

[audience laughing]

You can't even tell your mom

'cause they give
you that look like,

[chuckles] "He is that stupid."

[audience laughing]

Remember chin up bars
in elementary school?

[chuckles] Yeah, so do I.

Fourth grade, me and my buddy
got decided that we would ride

our Stingray bikes
through the chin-up bar,

when we got to the chin-up
bar, we would grab the bar

and let our bike go and
then just swing there

[audience laughing]

'cause were idiots.

One day we were on the
playground, it'd been raining.

We didn't think metal got
slick when it got wet.

Never had, 'cause to
think that thought.

We're straddling our
bikes, trying to look cool

and I look over to swings I see
two little fifth grade girls

and I looked at my buddy said,

"Hey, man, older
women. [chuckles]

I'll go first."

Boy, I spun that
knobby tire in the mud,

I'm flying towards
that chin up bar,

the banana seat's getting hot
just from the wind blowing by.

I hit that bar, I grabbed
it, let my bike go

and my full weight hit my
hands on that wet pole.

I went [imitates whooshing].

Knocked out cold on the ground.

My friend flips out,

he goes run across
the street to my house

and my mom's in bed
sick with the flu.

Runs into her bedroom and
screams, "Bill's dead."

[audience laughs]

Bout the time I came to,

I saw a woman in a night and
panties running at me going,

[yells]

Boy, wish I had a dad.

[audience laughs]

[chuckles] That's what my
wife puts up with every day.

Thank God she puts up with me.

I think my wife puts up
with me though 'cause I try

and I think that's
all any guy can do,

just try, that's right.

[audience applauds]

'Cause we ain't
never gonna get it.

'Cause as soon as we get
close, you ladies change it.

It's like this memo goes
out, they're getting close,

change it, change it,
change it, change it.

[audience laughing]

But I try, like when I'm home,

I try to get up in the morning,

make breakfast for my family.

I mean good American
breakfast, eggs, bacon,

sausage, toast, coffee.

Here's the problem,

no matter what eggs I
started out to make,

they always end up scrambled.

[audience laughing]

God, I can't work that yoke.

I even bought that
stupid spatula off TV.

You know the one with the forks?

Yeah, and the announcer goes,

"Even a moron can
flipping the egg now."

Apparently not.

[audience laughing]

Can't have sausage anymore,
not cause any health reasons,

just 'cause I saw commercials
that scared me to death.

I'm watching TV one night,
this commercial comes on.

This is what the announcer
said, word for word.

"The eggs are from
real chickens.

The milk is from real cows.

The sausage is from Jimmy Dean."

[audience laughs]

Really?

You'd think somebody
would've caught that?

But I know my wife loves me.

Not too long ago, I had to
get out of bed, got dressed.

She goes, "Where you going?"

I said, "Oh, I've got my
yearly physical today."

She goes, "Oh,
I'll go with you."

I said, "Okay.

How boring is your day?"

I wouldn't go with her to her
physical, seen it. [chuckles]

[audience laughing]

Yeah, not like we're gonna
break any new ground there.

[audience laughing]

It's not like I'ma go,
"Wow, doc, what is that?"

But she was in the room
when the doctor told

me my cholesterol's
getting high.

I'm like, "Good going, doc.

Hell, it would've been
easier if he just told her

I was cheating on her."

[audience laughing]

Yeah, if he tells her
I'm cheating on her,

I just gotta take some garbage,

now I got to eat a bunch of it.

[audience laughing]

He told me to cut out bacon,

which sucks 'cause I love pig.

So my wife trying to be
helpful, go to the grocery store

and buys this stuff called
soy bacon. [chuckles]

Yeah, let me tell you something.

I know soy beans are
good for a lot of things.

Let's stay out of
the bacon market.

They go, "Looks and
tastes like real bacon."

No it doesn't.

[audience laughing]

Tastes like somebody's
bacon-flavored a turd,

that's what it tastes like.

[audience laughing]

She's all worried
about my stress.

She goes, "You got
too much stress."

I go, "I don't have any stress."

She goes, "Bill, you almost
got kicked off an airplane."

Good point.

Well, here's what happened.

I got on this airline, it
was early morning flight

and they board us
and I sit in my seat

and I pull out my Game Boy

and start playing it while
they're still boarding.

I know God forbid, I read a
newspaper or "Time" magazine.

I gotta get Scooter
to level nine.

[audience laughing]

But I'm minding my own
business, playing my Game Boy.

The pilot comes on and makes
this announcement and he goes,

"Ladies and gentlemen,

we're gonna be a little
delayed this morning.

They didn't put enough
gas in the plane."

Why would make
that announcement?

[audience laughing]

Make something up.

Tell me you ate a piece of
bad fish and you got the runs.

Tell me something.

Don't tell me we don't got
enough gas in the plane.

That's like number two
on the checklist for,

it's okay to take off.

[audience laughing]

Keys, gas.

[audience laughing]

'Cause see the way
the process works

in my little brain is
the gas truck pulls up

next to the plane, the pilot
sticks his head out window

and goes, "Fill her up."

[audience laughing]

Yeah, I get the one pilot in
America, we're going to Vegas,

give me five bucks,
we'll be all right.

[audience laughing]

So I know we're
gonna be delayed,

nothing I can do about it,

so I keep playing my Game Boy.

Flight attendant
walks by me and y'all,

I might as well been
building a plutonium bomb.

She flips, she goes, "Sir, sir,

you need to shut
that off right now."

I'm 48 years old, all
of a sudden now I'm six.

[whimpering]

"But if I shut it off,
then Scooter will die

and I'll have to go back
to back to level one."

[audience laughs]

And then she said it.

She goes, "Sir, do you know
where the on/off switch is?"

[audience groaning]

[chuckles] I said, "Ma'am,
when I got up this morning,

I didn't want to be a jackass.

[audience laughing]

You just pushed my
jackass button."

[audience laughs]

So I said, "Yeah, I know
where the on/off switch is.

You know where the gas cap is?"

[audience laughing]

And you know a body cavity
search isn't that bad

if you just relax,

My wife's was all worried,

she goes, "You're
gonna have a stroke,

you got so much stress.

Like, I'm not gonna
have a stroke.

She goes, "You need a massage."

And I go, "No, uh-uh.

I don't want a massage."

And she goes, "Why not?"

And I go, "It's weird."

Somebody you don't
know rubbing on you.

Hell, it's how I
ended up married.

[laughing]

I mean, it worked out,
don't get me wrong.

And she goes, "Well
you need one."

I go, "Well, I don't
want one, baby."

And she goes, "Well, I
already set you up one."

I'm like, "Why do we even
have these conversations?"

So she takes me to this spa
and they put me in this room

and it was weird.

There's like pillows
all over the floor

and this weird
Zamfir music playing

and they got water dribbling

over rocks that's
supposed to relax you,

just made me have to go pee.

[audience laughing]

I finally got the nerve
to walk out of there

and the door opens,

this little 25-year-old
blonde girl opens the door

and she goes, "Are
you Mr. Engvall?"

And I went, "No, yeah."

[audience laughs]

She goes, "I'm your masseuse."

And I go, [chuckles] "Oh,
this ain't gon' be good."

[audience laughing]

I was like, "Don't you
got some big fat guy

with a hairy back to do this?"

She goes, "You'll be fine."

I go, "I don't think so."

[audience laughing]

So and she goes, "Okay,
go ahead and get undressed

and get on the bed."

And I go, "You mean just
down to my underwear?

And she goes, "No,
you need to be naked."

I went, "God,

[audience laughing]

I know you're testing me here.

You need to know I'm
just a C-student, okay?"

[audience applauds]

So she's holding up
the sheet and she goes,

"Okay, lay on your stomach."

And I went, "Oh, thank God."

And she starts rubbing my
back, which felt great.

And then she goes,

"So what do you like
to have done to you?"

And I went, "Okay,
God, that's enough."

[audience laughing]

Then she starts
rubbing my butt, yeah.

And all I could think
about is don't fart.

[audience laughing]

Yeah, you've thought
about it, haven't you?

'Cause when you're standing
up and you got gas,

you can kind of clench it in.

But when somebody's rubbing
your butt cheeks east and west,

[audience laughing]

yeah, you know one of
those icky dog farts

is gonna sneak out.

[audience laughing]

So then she goes, "Okay,
roll over on your back."

And I'm like, "Here it comes."

And I'm thinking of anything.

I'm thinking of grandma
and her panties.

My dad's scratching
himself with a salad fork.

[audience laughing]

So I roll over,
everything's fine,

till she takes her
hand in the sheet

and starts going like this.

I'm like, "Hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey,

what are you doing?"

She goes, "I'm gonna
rub your legs."

I go, "They're fine."

She goes, "They
seem kind of hard."

And I go, "You have no idea."

[audience laughs]
[audience applauding]

So then she comes
around the top of me

and starts rubbing my
chest, which was great,

except that her boobs were
like [imitates explosion].

She's like, "So
you're a comedian?"

I go, "No, bobble head doll."

[audience laughing]

I walk outside, my wife's
like, "How was it?"

And I go "Awful, I'm
more stressed now

than I was when
I went in there."

[audience laughs]

See, I relieve my
stress by buying stuff.

I go to Cabela's or
Bass Pro Shops, yeah.

[audience applauds]

Here's the problem,
I'm an impulse buyer.

I'm like, "Ooh, look, I
bought a deer feeder."

Then think, "Oh man,
I gotta get it home."

And that drives my wife crazy

'cause she's very
much a list shopper.

She hates it when
I get on airplanes

because the airlines now
have this magazine called

SkyMall Magazine.

Oh, that is my crack.

[audience laughing]

I know it's just crap, but
it's crap I gotta have.

I bought a escalator
for my house.

[audience laughing]

Just 'cause it conveniently
fits underneath the bed.

That's how they get you.

You ever been flipping
through that magazine,

not paying a bit of attention.

And all of a sudden this
will catch your eye,

tired of your knees
touching when you sleep?

Well, now that you
mention it, yes I am.

And they sell some
stupid stuff in there.

Have you seen that rubber
thing you put on your shoes.

And it says, "You can
aerate your own lawn."

[Bill laughs]
[audience laughing]

Okay, how big of a loser are
you stomping around yard,

I'm saving money.

[audience laughs]

Don't get me wrong, it works.

[audience laughing]

She got really mad at me when
I bought a digital flyswatter

out of that magazine.

Well, come on, it keeps
swats, hits and kills

and the best part is, you
can hook it to the internet

and you could see where you
rank nationally as a flyswatter.

[audience laughs]

I did see one item in that
magazine that made me laugh

out loud, it's house
shoes with headlights.

[audience laughs]

I couldn't believe it either,
house shoes with headlights.

My first thought was,
"Who buys these?"

Then the other night I was
walking to the bathroom,

I stub my toe on the bed,
you know what I got now?

[audience laughing]

House shoes with
headlights, baby.

[audience applauding]

They are awesome.

The other night I
took the trash out,

my high beams hit a deer,
he just stood there.

[audience laughing]

Sometimes and I like
to beat my wife to bed.

I'll just lay naked on
the bed, in a dark room,

except for my houses
with headlights on.

[audience laughing]

So it's like a movie premiere,

it's like, "Hey, hey, hey,

coming to a theater
near you, 'King Kong'."

She goes, "Put on
your underwear,

it's more like 'Smallville'."

[audience laughing]

Yeah, she gets on
me about my shopping

yet she ordered us a catalog
that's just stuff for our dogs.

42 pages dog stuff.

She bought a dog feeding
dish that's this high

off the ground.

I said, "Why'd you buy that?"

And she goes, "So he don't
have to bend his neck to eat."

I just saw him
licking his own ass.

[audience laughs]

Excuse me for thinking
he's limber enough to eat.

[audience laughing]

She goes, "Well, it helps
with his digestion."

I go, "His
digestion's just fine.

I pick it out of the
backyard every morning."

God, she loves them dogs, boy.

I love them too, but they're
just dogs, all right.

We had to take our dogs
to be boarded recently.

I don't know if
you've had to do this,

but it's like checking
them into a spa.

I walk our dogs and little
girl behind the counter goes,

"Hi, just a few questions.

What are your dogs like to
sleep on, linen or wool?"

[audience laughing]

"Concrete's good."

"Well, what kind of
water do they like?"

"Clear, put it in a
toilet, they'll freak."

[audience laughing]

And then she actually
asked me this, she goes,

"Would you like to purchase
a toothbrush for your dog

for the weekend?"

"Tell you what, you
teach him to hold it,

I'll buy the toothbrush."

[audience laughs]

So we got four dogs.

We got two Wiener dogs,
those are her dogs.

Yeah, they're cute till
they have to go to the vet,

then it's like a
billion dollars.

I took her two Wiener dogs to
our vet, our idiot vet goes,

"That dog's gonna
have back problems."

I'm like, "No kidding.

He's got a eight foot
back and two inch legs.

Hell, I could've
figured that out."

[audience laughing]

Here's another one, Doc Obvious,

"That's a boy dog and
he's about a quarter inch

from dragging this
transmission on the sidewalk."

[audience laughing]

He goes, "You need
to talk to that dog

and tell him not to
jump off the bed.

I was like,

"All right,

as soon as we get home,

me and that dog have
a little sit down."

[audience laughing]

Then we got my dog, Duke,
he's a Basset hound,

he's the perfect dog, he,
yeah, he eats his own turds.

[audience laughs]

Perfect dog right there.

Goes outside the
poop, cleans it up.

[audience laughing]

You can't teach that,
that's just a gift.

Best part about it, my wife
doesn't know he does it.

[audience laughing]

She loves to let that
dog lick her in the face.

[audience laughs]

Right there, that's why my wife

and I have never
had an argument.

She starts getting on my
back and all I say is,

"Duke, mamma wants some loving."

[audience laughing]

I took Duke to the vet

and told the vet that
Duke eats his own turds.

I said, isn't that
kind of weird?

And he goes, "No,
a lot of dogs it."

He said, "Here, just sprinkle
this stuff on his food

and it'll make him stop."

And I said, "What's it do?"

And he goes, "It makes
his turds taste bad."

[audience laughs]

I'm sorry, doc.

I'm a little slow here.

Did you just say the phrase,

"It'll make his
turds taste bad?"

Hey, if you've sunk
to eating turds,

you've never uttered
the phrase phrase,

oh my God, this is nasty.

[audience laughing]

We got a German shepherd we
found on the side of the road.

She's psycho,

now I know why she was
on the side of the road.

Nothing's free.

[audience laughing]

But I love that dog, that dog
saved my heinie one night.

One night my wife and I
are sound asleep in bed.

Her dog's trying to
jump up on the bed

after I just talked to it.

[audience laughing]

So I just grabbed the
little Wiener dog,

flung him out in the backyard.

Well, about 5:30 that morning,

I heard this squealing
and screaming come

out of the backyard.

Good God, I hopped out
of bed in my underwear,

put on my headlight house shoes.

[audience laughs]

Ran out in the backyard and
a coyote had jumped a fence.

Yes, it had my wife's Wiener
dog pinned down on the ground.

I'm like, "Oh, hell.

I appreciate what you're doing.

[Bill laughing]

Could've done it little
quieter, couldn't you?"

Bout that time I felt this
[imitating wind whooshing]

by my leg.

That German shepherd ran
out in that backyard,

hit that coyote broadside,
that coyote did three flips

and jumped the fence.

I looked at that German
shepherd and said,

"Come on, you're
sleeping in the bed."

[audience laughs]

Funny thing was for about
two weeks after that,

my wife and I'd be sitting
at the breakfast table,

having coffee.

We'd look out in the street
and there'd be two or three

coyotes sitting in our street,
looking in our backyard.

And you know, the
conversation went like this.

"What?

No, no hell no,
don't go in there.

That little dog's a setup.

[audience laughing]

I ain't lying.

Ask Joe what happened to him?

Hell, he won't eat
nothing but soy bacon.

[Bill laughing]
[audience laughing]

God bless you, Washington,
I appreciate it.

[audience applauding]
[crowd cheering]

Y'all ready to keep
this party rollin'?

[crowd cheering]

Please bring out my good
friend, Mr. Ron White!

[crowd cheering]
[audience applauding]

[crowd cheering]

- Bill Engvall.

Thank you so much for
coming out tonight.

[crowd cheering]

[man shouting]

No, you can't, sir.

Stop begging for booze.

[audience laughing]

My wife and I took a
tour bus into town,

and my wife had never been
to Washington DC before.

And we were crossing the Potomac

and she said, "What's
that building?"

And I said, "Well,
it was a Hooters

during the Clinton
administration,

[audience laughing]

Then they turned it back
into the Lincoln Memorial

and now it's a Cracker
Barrel, so welcome."

[audience laughing]

I almost got ran over today

by a mobile
paper-shredding unit.

I'm in Georgetown.

They got them on every street,

these gigantic evidence
getter-ridder-of-ers.

[audience laughing]

Can you call them up

if you got a body you
don't need around?

[audience laughing]

My wife had been in
Europe for three weeks,

and she left two days
after Valentine's day.

And for Valentine's Day,

I was going to take her to
see "Brokeback Mountain,"

and it was sold out,

so we're going to
go see it tomorrow.

And Heath Ledger
and Jake Gyllenhaal

are both amazing actors.

And if you've seen the
movie, don't ruin it for me.

I don't want to know
which one plays the sheep.

[audience laughing]

In fact, I'm actually
writing a movie right now

about my recent bout with
erectile dysfunction,

called "Broke Dick Fountain."

[audience laughing]

Getting ready to
film this movie,

everybody's like, "You
gotta go on a diet, man.

You gotta lose some weight.

You got to be better.

You gotta be thinner.

You gotta look better."

And I'm like, "Look better?

I'm 50 years old,

I've been drinking like
a fish for 30 years.

What do you want?"

[crowd cheering]

Been on this diet, man.

I'm getting dieting
tips from skinny people.

My mother weighs 80 pounds.

Here's her tip.

"Drink a lot of water.

You'll be less hungry."

You know what happens if
you drink a lot of water?

You're less thirsty.

[audience laughing]

Just as I suspected
would be the case.

[audience laughing]

I still look okay sometimes,

'cause I wear really
expensive suits,

and if you drape
$5,000 worth of clothes

over a pile of crap,
it looks all right.

[audience laughing]

Look bad naked though.

[audience laughing]

Ain't no hiding that, is there?

The only person that knows

what I look like
naked right now,

which is the worst I've
ever looked, is my wife.

And she has to have sex with me.

And she makes me wear the suit.

[audience laughing]

I cut a little hole right here.

I come in low under the radar.

[audience laughing]

Washington DC,

I guess the Department
of Homeland Security

is here in Washington,
DC, is that true?

One of the most useless
organizations on the planet.

[crowd cheering]

They came up with a,

now, I really didn't even
have an opinion about that

and I don't care if you do.

But my mother called me one
time, and she was scared

because the heightened
state of awareness

went from yellow to orange,

and she said, "Son, I
don't know what to do."

And I'm like, "Mama,
nobody knows what to do."

Does anybody in this room
know what to do different

when the heightened
state of awareness

goes from yellow to orange?

No, you do not.

Because it is useless.

It means nothing!

Nobody knows what
to do different

if it changes from
one to the other.

Yeah, now I get it,

that's a heightened
state of awareness.

If I'm on, in line
to get on a plane,

and the guy in front of me

needs two loads of phlegm
to pronounce his name,

I'm checking his
shoes for fuses.

[audience laughing]

And I don't care who
knows it, either.

I'm, and it's not being
racist, it's profiling.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

I went on the computer
and I found out

there are five heightened
states of awareness.

I'd only heard two,
yellow and orange.

Turns out there's five.

Blue, green,
yellow, orange, red.

Apparently, when the heightened
state of awareness is blue,

you don't even need sunscreen.

[audience laughing]

You could walk outside naked.

My wife said,
"Well, why don't you

come up with a better system?"

"All right, give me 10 minutes."

[audience laughing]

Here's the Ron White Heightened
State of Awareness System.

It's only got two heightened
states of awareness.

"Go find a helmet.

Put on the damn helmet."

[audience laughing]

That way I can answer
my mother's questions.

"Ron, it's Put on
a Damn Helmet Day,

what do we do?"

"Put on the damn
helmet, Mother."

"Thank you, Son,
we're so proud."

[audience laughing]

My wife usually travels
with me and we kind of hop

from Indian reservation
to Indian reservation

doing these casinos,

and last fall, we were
doing a run across Florida,

and this is how
well my mother hears

at 70 years old.

She calls me.

She asks, asks me where I'm at

and we're at the
Hard Rock Casino

in Hollywood, Florida,

on the Seminole reservation.

And she asks me where I'm at.

I hear my dad

in the background
go, "What'd he say?"

And she goes, "He
said in Hollywood,

you need reservations
to get a cinnamon roll."

[audience laughing]

That's close enough, Mom.

I lost my ass at that casino.

Usually I do okay gambling

'cause I'm just a
straight blackjack player.

Right, but I started watching

these Texas Hold'em
tournaments on TV.

And the only thing that's
dangerous about that

is, after a while,
you start to think

you can play that game for real.

[audience laughing]

But you sit down in one
of those big poker rooms,

you find out really quick

that they don't let you
see everybody else's cards.

[audience laughing]

I'm sitting there going,

"How am I supposed to
know how much to bet?"

[audience laughing]

Where's that little odds thing

that tells me how I'm doing?

I got a question."

[audience laughing]

Our second stop on that tour
was Fort Myers, Florida.

And my wife and I wanted to go

to Sanibel and Captiva Islands,

which is basically
Margaritaville.

You know, that's
where Jimmy Buffett

lived when he wrote those songs,

and very pretty,
very romantic place.

And the only way to
get to Sanibel Island

is to cross a little
rickety bridge.

I mean, a bridge,

I've never seen such a
rickety bridge in my life.

Just a rickety bridge.

And the toll to cross this
little rickety bridge is $6,

to cross a little
rickety freaking bridge.

You know, and I,

I expected there to be a
troll and some billy goats.

[audience laughing]

Six bucks to cross
a little bridge.

And I, you know, and I
make a lot of money, folks.

Not doing this.

I sell shrimp out of a van.

[audience laughing]

And the bridge is
such a piece of crap

that the speed limit on
it is five miles an hour,

and I got a ticket.

[audience laughing]

This cop says, "You have any
idea how fast you were goin'?"

I was like, "I don't
know, eight, nine.

I don't know.

My foot slipped off the brake.

"I clocked you doing
over 11 mile an hour.

Over twice the
legal speed limit."

[audience laughing]

"Take me to jail.

I'm beggin' you.

I'll make a million
dollars telling this story

if you'll take me to jail
for going 11 miles an hour."

[audience applauding]

Then you get to the place

where you pay your toll, folks.

And there's a little sign.

You can go there, still there
today, there's a little sign,

right before you get
to the tollbooth,

and it says, "No coins or cash."

[audience laughing]

I'm like, "What do they
want you to give them,

a hand job?"

[audience laughing]

"I've never been good
with my left hand.

Honey, if you just
sit in the back seat.

Sir, if you just walk
right around there,

sit down right there."

[audience laughing]

Whenever we're in that
part of the country,

we stay at the Don CeSar Hotel.

And my wife and I travel

on a big tour bus
with three dogs.

We have two Scottish terriers

because if you drink enough
Johnnie Walker products,

eventually, they just
send you the dogs.

[audience laughing]

We have 240 head of Scottie

on a little ranch up in Wyoming.

[audience laughing]

We got these little monkeys
with cowboy hats and vests

riding Shetland ponies.

They got little toy guns.

One of them is the sheriff.

Cutest thing you ever saw.

[audience laughing]

Actually, we have
two Scottish terriers

and their names are
Birdie and Bogey.

And somebody the other day said,

"Oh, that's cute.

They're named after
your golf game."

And I was like, "No, if they
were named after my golf game

they'd be Double Bogey

and Where the hell
is that ball going?"

[audience laughing]

Which is kind of a long
name for a pet, you know?

And then Sluggo,
he's my bulldog, and-

[crowd cheering]

It's apparently
talk-about-your-pet night

here at the Warner.

Sluggo was in the
backyard the other day,

and I was picking up dog turds

'cause I couldn't get
Bill's dog to come over.

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

"Come on, let Duke
spend the night."

[audience laughing]

"No, he'll come home full."

[audience laughing]

So I'm picking up dog turds.

And while I'm picking them up,

I realize seven people
work for me full-time.

And as I'm picking
up these dog turds,

I'm re-evaluating
everybody's position

with Ron White Inc.

in my head,

so that next week I will not
be the dog turd picker-upper.

[audience laughing]

I haven't decided who
it's going to be yet.

It's either going
to be my pool boy

or my tax attorney.

[audience laughing]

And I'm leaning towards
the tax attorney.

[audience laughing]

But I'm picking up
these dog turds,

and I see one that is huge.

And it's massive even
by Sluggo's standards,

which are legendary.

And I'm staring at this turd.

I'm admiring it, really.

And after a while,
I started to think

it says something
on the side of it.

[audience laughing]

I run in the house
and I get my glasses

'cause I can't read
shit without my glasses.

[audience laughing]

And it does.

It says, "Midland
Park Golf Course."

Sluggo had eaten and shat whole

a golf glove, Velcro and all.

[audience laughing]

I rinsed it off and I've been
using it for three weeks.

[audience laughing]

But my wife and I, we look
for pet-friendly hotels

when we're out, because we
travel with this menagerie.

And there is no more
pet-friendly hotel

on the planet than
the Don CeSar.

They're, like,
over-the-top pet-friendly.

They have a pet concierge
that comes to your room

to tell you about the
services they offer your pets

while you stay at
the Don CeSar Hotel,

and I sold a lot of
shrimp last year,

so I'm like, "All
right, let's hear it.

What do you got?"

[audience laughing]

And the guy goes, "We
offer your dogs a massage

because we would like
for your dogs to be

as relaxed as you are

during their stay at
the Don CeSar Hotel."

I'm like, "All right,

but I'm going to
tell you right now,

that fat one right over there,

he's gonna want a happy ending."

[audience laughing]

They have aromatherapy
for your pets.

I'm like, "What are you
gonna make it smell like?

Ass?

That's what he likes.

Do you have an ass
candle back there?

Give him a hand job
and light an ass candle

and see if that's not
the most relaxed dog

at the Don CeSar Hotel."

He'll sleep on that
cushion for nine hours.

I know this animal.

Hey, uh,

do you think it's weird
that at 49 years old

one of my testicles is just
a little bit bigger than,

than the other two?

[audience laughing]

Last, In fact, three weeks
ago, I did a run that was,

I live in Atlanta and

I did "The Tonight Show"
on Wednesday night,

and then I did
Billings on Thursday,

and my manager sold it to me

on sort of, "It's
a good routing."

You know, part of that
Atlanta-LA-Billings run

that encompasses the
entire United States.

And on Friday night,

I was in Anchorage, Alaska,

which is real handy

and someplace you really
want to see in February

if you get a chance.

And then on Saturday night,
I'm in Fairbanks, Alaska,

and my manager's prediction

that there wouldn't
be a lot of snow

in Fairbanks in February

was off by about seven
and a half freakin' feet.

[audience laughing]

The most boring town I've
ever been to in my life.

Sorry if you're from there.

It is a borehole.

And I was stranded
there for three days.

Count them, one, tick.

[audience laughing]

Tock.

[audience laughing]

Tick.

[audience laughing]

Stranded there with
the Eskimo people.

Not a great-looking
group of folks.

[audience laughing]

And I mentioned that onstage
and they got pissed off.

And I didn't see
why they got so mad.

I didn't insinuate that
they had no character.

I mentioned that they
weren't attractive.

I thought they knew.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

Apparently, I let some
big cat out of the bag.

Have you seen their teeth?

They could make keys.

[audience laughing]

You don't have to be
in Fairbanks very long

before you figure out

what that nose-rubbing
deal is all about.

[audience laughing]

"I'm good."

Anyway, I got this
scathing letter

from the head Eskimo,

Frosty, or whatever
his name was and,

[audience laughing]

halfway through the letter,
he said he would have me know

that the Inuit tribe is

one of the purest
races on the planet.

And I'm like, "That's kind
of what I'm talkin' about."

[audience laughing]

Nobody will have sex
with these people.

[audience laughing]

And then later in the letter,

it said there are less
Inuits every year,

which I guess means
it's getting to where

they won't even have
sex with each other.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

Somebody suggested
that I watch a movie

on the way to Alaska, and I did.

It was called "Grizzly Man."

And you could go rent
this film or buy it.

It's worth the watch.

It's very entertaining.

This guy, a ne'er-do-well
out-of-work actor

tries to reinvent
himself as a filmmaker,

and he moves into grizzly
country in Alaska,

and shoots this amazing footage,

which was later compiled
by Werner Herzog,

and made into this movie.

But, like, halfway through
the movie, he snaps

and believes he has become at
one with the grizzly bears.

And not only do grizzly
bears, he says in this film,

have the capacity for intellect,

they have the
capacity for sympathy.

And then one of them eats him.

[audience laughing]

Funniest film I've
ever seen in my life.

[audience laughing]

I laughed till I thought
I was gonna throw up.

[audience laughing]

The bear ate him.

That's rich.

[audience laughing]

And I just thought
it would be funny

if at any point in
this guy's life,

his father, like my
father, ever said,

"You're never gonna be shit."

[audience laughing]

"Well, you're wrong, Papa.

Tomorrow morning

when this bear pushes
me through his bowels,

I'm going to become a
steaming pile of bear shit.

I hope you're proud, Daddy.

You have no idea what
I've been through

to make your dreams come true.

I had to be digested.

Do you know what
that's like, Daddy?

I suppose you don't."

[audience laughing]

Yeah.

I get chastised publicly
and in the media

for my position on
the death penalty,

and they don't even
know the half of it

because in the Moussaoui case,

I'd want to be the guy that
set the execution date,

and I'd set it for one a.m.,

the day they set clocks forward.

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

Just so I could walk
in there and go,

"Well, looks like you got
about another hour, Moussaoui.

Nope, spring forward, asshole."

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

And there is one
piece of legislation

floating around right now

that I endorse publicly
and with all my heart

and I hope you do, too.

I believe if you're

a convicted sex offender
in this country,

when you get out of prison,

you should have to put a sign
in your yard or on your door

that says you're a
convicted sex offender,

'cause I don't care about
your rights anymore.

[audience cheering]

And I'd also like to know

where to get one of those signs,

'cause I'd like to keep
some kids out of my yard.

[audience laughing]

Thanks for playin' along.

I hope you enjoyed it.

You guys were fantastic.

Thank you.

[crowd cheering]
[audience applauding]

Thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it gives me great pride
to welcome to the stage,

the best comedian
that ever lived,

Jeff Foxworthy.

[crowd cheering]
[audience applauding]

- Ron White, everybody!

[crowd cheering]

I got to tell,

I really appreciate Ron
for being a part of this.

He had to leave a
New Year's Eve party

to be here tonight.

[audience laughing]

I'm not saying Ron drinks,

but I hugged him and
my vision is blurry.

[audience laughing]

Speaking of blurry vision,

I got to point this out.

I saw a billboard
here in Washington DC

advertising for the
vision correction surgery.

The billboard claimed that

they have the cheapest
LASIK in town.

And I'm thinking,

"If you're gonna be
operating on my eyeballs

with a laser beam,

I don't want the
cheapest in town."

I want somebody that takes a
little pride in their work.

I don't want to
be walking around

hanging on to a German shepherd
by a harness, braggin',

"I just saved a bundle
on my LASIK surgery."

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

And if they decided to go
with "cheapest in town,"

what slogan did they pass up?

"Hey, some of our patients

actually kind of see
a little bit better."

[audience laughing]

"If it doesn't work,

think of the money you'll
save on light bulbs."

[audience laughing]

I mean, I like savin' money.

I just don't think

medical procedures are
where you want to do it.

I don't want the cheapest
vasectomy in town.

[audience laughing]

Climbing into a truck
behind a convenience store

and the guy going,
"You got the 20 bucks?"

All right, listen,
bite down on this rag

so you don't scream.

I can't have the neighbors
calling the police again."

[audience laughing]

A couple of slogans
with a vasectomy

I wouldn't want to hear,

like, "Half off."

[audience laughing]

"Buy one, get one free."

[audience laughing]

I don't even know
how that would work.

"Everything must go!"

No, most of it better
be staying, Rufus.

I am thrilled to be
here tonight at the-

[audience cheering]

Thank you.

Last year we did the
Blue Collar TV thing,

last year.

And then at the end of the year,

I had written a book called

"The Redneck Dictionary."

It was words you thought

you knew the meaning
of, all right.

[audience applauding]

Some people have that
fine piece of literature

on the back of
their toilet, I see.

But it had words in it
like, uh, "asinine."

I'll give her face a
two and her "asinine."

[audience laughing]

Or "wisdom."

My brother had two kidney stones

but he "wisdom" both out.

[audience laughing]

Or "letter carrier."

If she's going to
pack all that stuff,

I say, hell, "letter
carrier" own luggage.

[audience laughing]

But anyway, because of the book,

I was doing a lot
of book signings.

And one of the last ones I did,

I did a five-hour book signing

at a Wal-Mart one
Saturday afternoon,

and during that five
hours, I had a revelation.

And that is,

there's not a whole
lot of supermodels

shopping at Wal-Mart.

[audience laughing]

It's pretty much
just us rednecks.

[audience laughing]

You know, and we
don't wear stuff

'cause some magazine says
it's the latest style.

We wear stuff 'cause
it's comfortable,

and if you can't look at it
and keep your lunch down,

that's your problem.

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

But as kind of a spokesman

for this portion
of the population,

I got to thinking, you know,
it has reached the point

where we do need a few
redneck fashion tips.

And I know a lot of you
are sitting out there

and you're like,
"Jeff, I don't know

when it comes to fashion,

if I'm a supermodel
or a redneck."

So I came up with a few
ways to help you tell.

[audience laughing]

If the most expensive thing
you ever bought at the mall

came from the food court,

you might want to pay attention.

[audience laughing]

If your bra is a darker
color than your shirt,

you might want to pay attention.

If your wife has ever
dusted the furniture

with your best
pair of underwear,

[audience laughing]

you might want to pay attention.

If people can see
your butt crack 24/7,

[audience laughing]

you might want to listen up.

If you've mastered the
art of puttin' on makeup

with your non-smokin' hand

[audience laughing]

while drivin' with your knee,

[audience laughing]

you might want to pay attention.

And if your thighs

stop moving 30
seconds after you do,

[audience laughing]

some of this might
be aimed at you.

All right, here we go.

Redneck fashion tip number one.

Certain things should not
be sold in certain sizes.

If your rear end looks like
two full-grown raccoons

wrestling in a 50-pound
bag of feed corn,

say no to spandex!

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

Tight ain't always right.

And the only place dimples
are cute are on your face.

This woman came up to
me at the book signing.

She had the biggest butt I
have ever seen in my life.

And you've seen
these kind of people.

There're like from the waist up,

they're built kind of normally.

And then from the waist down,

it's like an
explosion took place.

You know, just, just huge.

I mean, from a distance,

she looked like a poodle
riding a Hippity Hop.

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

And there's no telling how
big her butt really was

'cause she had it
packed in these jeans.

I mean, it was crammed in there.

I could hear the zipper cryin'.

[audience laughing]

You got the feeling some night

some guy was gonna get her home,

get that top button unbuttoned,

and that thing was gonna
come flying out of there

like a Navy life raft, you know.

[audience laughing]

But the thing that was
intriguing about it

was she had this attitude

like she was the hottest
thing on the planet.

And I love big girls
that think they're sexy.

'Cause I think guys look at them

kind of like we do
those rodeo bulls.

You know, we're like,
"I bet I could ride it,

[audience laughing]

but I'd probably get hurt."

[audience laughing]

So anyway, I signed
her books for her,

and when she went to walk away,

she wasn't just walking.

She was struttin'.

I mean, you know,
like popping it.

And I'm watching her
'cause I'm scared

she's gonna knock over some
little kids or something.

And my brother leaned over
and tapped me on the arm.

He said, "That looks
like two blue Volkswagens

trying to pass each
other on a gravel road."

[audience laughing]

Certain things should not
be sold in certain sizes.

If your stomach blocks
your view of your shoes,

cover it up!

[audience applauding]

The only people that should
be wearing belly shirts

are the people that
don't have bellies.

And there's no shame,

no shame in having a spare tire.

Just keep it in the trunk

so other people don't
have to look at it.

[audience laughing]
[audience clapping]

And, you know, those
little baby spare tires

are kind of cute.

Tractor tires aren't.

Especially when they
have hair on 'em.

[audience laughing]

Certain things should not
be sold in certain sizes.

And this goes to a lot of
dads and uncles out here.

Your shorts are supposed to
be longer than your underwear.

[audience laughing]

Especially if you
wear tighty whities.

[audience laughing]

Nobody wants to be
at the family picnic

and look over at Uncle Fred
sitting in a lawn chair

and see anything that
looks like a baby bird.

[audience laughing]

And talking about shorts,

I gotta comment on those
little cotton shorts

that have the words
printed on the back of 'em.

First of all, guys,

if you can't read
without movin' your lips,

do not stare at these shorts

in front of your
wife or girlfriend.

And for God sakes, don't pretend

you've had the
cheap LASIK surgery

and you can only read by
using Braille, you know?

[audience laughing]

But these shorts bring up
my second fashion rule,

and that is there has
got to be an age limit

on certain articles of clothing.

[audience applauding]

Got to be.

And with these
little cotton shorts

with the words on 'em,

I think the age limit is what?

15?

16?

All I'm saying is that

if the veins in the
back of your legs

look like the street map
of Greater Pittsburgh,

you ain't nobody's baby doll.

[audience laughing]

If your thighs look like the
hood of a white Toyota van

after a hailstorm,

you're not Juicy.

[audience laughing]

You might be a
terrific grandmother,

you're not Juicy.

And this age-limit rule

also applies to
low-cut tops on women.

And you know what
I'm talking about,

these women that insist
on showing their cleavage

30 years after anybody
wants to see it.

[audience laughing]

And they're always well-endowed.

I mean real well-endowed.

They are the kind of women,
if they go to hug you,

and you're not chewing gum,
your ears are going to pop.

[audience laughing]

But that cleavage line's
like three feet long,

and it's got these little
wrinkles coming off of it.

Looks like you're looking
down into the Grand Canyon

out an airplane window.

[audience laughing]

And what is it?

There's some women,
the older they get,

just, the less modest they are.

And everybody's done this,

where you're sitting
there in the morning

having a cup of
coffee with Granny.

And she's not wearing anything,

but a paper-thin
nightgown and a smile.

[audience laughing]

Then she'll bend down

to pick up something
out of the floor,

and suddenly you're
staring at something

that looks like
those long balloons

four days after
the birthday party.

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

And they ain't floating
up to the ceiling,

they are on the floor.

Hell, you could step on
them and they wouldn't pop.

[audience laughing]

Fashion rule number three.

Tattoos are not for everybody.

[audience applauding]

When I was a kid,

the only people that had tattoos

were old guys that
had been in the Navy.

You know, and theirs
were kind of blurry.

In fact, you couldn't
even tell what they were.

You were staring at it, going,

"Well, it's either a naked
woman or Willie Nelson

using post-hole diggers."

But it was the old Navy
guys and, and Hells Angels.

But they had the scary tattoos.

You know, like on
their knuckles,

like "love" and "hate."

My cousin had that,

and then one summer he
got a job in the carnival,

and he got his
pinkie chopped off.

Now his hands say, "Love hat."

Ooh, that's intimidating.

[audience laughing]

And I don't have
anything against tattoos.

I don't have one, myself.

If I did,

it would be right
there next to my watch,

it would say, "Your wife's
birthday is August 2nd,

your anniversary
is September 18,

don't let Ron White drive
your car again," you know.

[audience applauding]

All I'm saying with tattoos
is you have to plan ahead

just a little bit.

You know, because I think
a lot of tattoos are cool

when you're young and
your skin is taut.

But as you get older, that
skin's gonna start sagging.

You know, ladies, like that,
that little hummingbird.

It's real cute when you're 20.

But that bird is going to
fly south for the winter.

[audience laughing]

And 20 years down the road,

you don't want your
grandkids crying,

going, "I don't want
to stay with Grandma,

she's got a buzzard
on her back!"

[audience laughing]

'Cause when that
skin starts sagging,

suddenly that dolphin
is a beluga whale.

And that rose is Rosie O'Donnell

with a mouthful of leaves.

[audience laughing]

And something else
to think about.

You know it's going
to be real hard

for your kids to take you
seriously when you tell them,

"Say no to drugs," and you got

a pot plant tattooed
to your neck.

[audience laughing]

Fashion rule number four.

If you've given birth
more than five times,

a tank top is not an acceptable
substitute for a bra.

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

There was this lady
at the book signing,

and I don't know what
had happened to her

to cause this particular
breast configuration,

but she had one under each arm.

She looked like a
watermelon delivery boy.

[audience laughing]

Tank tops aren't
good on anybody,

especially those low-cut ones.

You know, if your skin
is the color of Cool Whip

and you have a mole that
looks like an oatmeal pie,

let that be your little secret.

[audience laughing]

Guys, if you have back titties,

[audience laughing]

I didn't know if you would know

what I was talking about there.

The kind of guys that are
walking through the mall

and nursing babies are
going, "Num-num, num-num."

[audience laughing]

Also, if your back's so hairy,

you've been shot more than
twice with a tranquilizer gun,

say yes to sleeves.

[audience laughing]

I hope Larry is listening
to some of this.

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

[man whistling]

Fashion rule number five.

It is okay to wear a T-shirt
with nothing written on it.

I don't know what it
is about rednecks.

We never have to write a resume,

because you can learn everything
you want to know about us

by reading our clothes.

You give me a redneck
man's T-shirt drawer,

I can tell you what
kind of truck he drives,

what radio station
he listens to,

who he roots for in NASCAR,

what he likes to hunt,

who his favorite college
football team is,

his philosophy on life,

and where he went on
vacation the last 21 summers.

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

And you give me his windbreaker,

I'll tell you what kind
of cigarettes he smokes.

[audience laughing]

Also, with T-shirts, guys,

if you weigh more
than 400 pounds,

it's not okay to wear a T-shirt
that says, "No Fat Chicks."

[audience laughing]

You ought to be
wearing one that says,

"I whipped anorexia's ass."

[audience laughing]

And do not wear an "I'm
With Stupid" T-shirt

if you're by yourself.

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

And if you do, well,
I'd say that's right.

[audience laughing]

Fashion rule number six.

God invented closed-toed
shoes for a reason.

Why is it the people
with the nastiest feet

always wear flip-flops?

[audience laughing]

You know what I'm talking about?

If you have so many corns you
have to put up a scarecrow,

say no to the flip-flop.

If your toenails are so long

you can swoop down on a
lake and catch a trout,

[audience laughing]

say no to the flip-flop.

If you have a toenail that's
three different colors

and none of them
are nail polish,

[audience laughing]

say no to the flip-flop.

My next fashion
rule, and this is

for some of you younger
folks out there,

if your mother still
drives you to school,

you ain't no gangster,
pull your pants up.

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

The back pockets of your pants

should not be behind your knees.

And I don't know why I have
to look at the underwear

of every teenage boy in America.

You know, when I was in school,

if other people could
see your underwear,

it was because two bullies

had cornered you
on the playground

and they'd yanked
it up to your neck.

Which is why as adults, most men

won't even consider
wearing a thong

'cause those are memories we're
trying to repress, you know.

And my last fashion rule.

Husbands and wives
should never dress alike,

unless you're going to
a Garth Brooks concert

or a Halloween party.

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

I have only dressed
like my wife one time

in our 20-year marriage,

and it was the biggest
mistake I'd ever made.

You cannot describe
this little adventure

without the word
"cluster" in it.

[audience laughing]

She wanted to go hunting
with me to see what it

was all about,

so I got her a camouflaged
outfit, and she never shut up.

She never shut up
the entire time.

We're walking through the woods

and she's like, "It
is so dirty out here.

I cannot believe leaves
and sticks are everywhere.

Can you believe how dirty it is?

Nobody ever cleans this up?

[audience laughing]

Oh, God, look at that.

I got mud on my new boots.

Oh, I hope that comes out.

I love these little boots.

You know, they were
originally $129,

but I got them for $59.95.

You wanna know why?

They're last year's boots.

I don't think anybody'll know.

Do you?

Oh, God, there's
a bug on my pants.

Get him off, get him off.

Get him off.

Well, don't kill him,
he's just a little bug.

He's probably looking
for his bug family.

Here, hold my binoculars,

'cause I gotta
straighten my hat up.

Are my bangs even?

Are they really even or
are you just saying that?

Are they even?

Does this coat make
me look too fat?

I don't like this coat.

I liked it when I
first put it on,

but now I think it
makes my hips look fat.

Don't you think so?

Where are all the deer?

You said there were going
to be deer out here.

I don't see one single deer.

Is this going to
take a long time?

How come you're putting
your gun in your mouth?"

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

You guys have been great.

God bless you,
thank you for this.

[crowd cheering]

You guys are awesome.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

All right, y'all,
keep it going for

one of my dearest
friends in the world

and the next president
of the United States,

Larry, the Cable Guy!

[crowd cheering]
[audience applauding]

- All right.

There goes Jeff.

All right.

Thank you.

Thank you, I had to get my
underwear out of my crack.

All right.

Git-R-Done.

[crowd cheering]

Thank you.

That's right, that's all I do.

I come out and I go,

"Git-R-Done.

That's $100.

Get the hell out of here."

All right, yeah, excuse me.

[audience laughing]

Well, thank you so much.

Good to see you.

I didn't think I was
gonna make it here.

I was in Pennsylvania

doing a thing for the
Playboy Channel down there.

I was filming "Amish
Girls Gone Wild"

down there for the
Playboy Channel show.

[audience laughing]

It's kind of tough to
get their bonnets off,

but once we did, they
warmed up pretty good.

I'll tell you.

That's right.

"Yeah, churn that butter,
honey, churn that butter.

Oh, that's good right there."

I'm kind of irritated,
though, we was driving back

in the car

and had a accident.

I'm gonna sue Geico Insurance.

We had a accident and they
sent out an actual lizard

to handle the claim,
for God's sake.

[audience laughing]

What in the world?

I was madder than a Keebler Elf

getting demoted to fudge packer.

I tell you what, I
couldn't believe.

[audience laughing]

That's upset there.

That's upset right there.

That's right.

I like to travel.

I was up in Canada,

up there at the
Calgary Stampede.

I like the rodeo.

I tell you, I wish
I could do that,

but I'm too out
of shape for that.

But my sister did it
for a long time, and,

she did.

She was good.

They ended up retiring her.

Nobody could stay on
her for eight years.

I tell you what, she was,

she was mean.

She was mean.

I'll tell you, the
cowboys called her

a mother bucker for many years.

I'll tell you, she was,
she was a mean one.

But I'm going to tell you what.

This is such a
thrill to do this.

And I'm gonna tell
you something, though,

this ain't all roses up here.

I got some women trying to
get money from me right now.

They threatening to
release these sex tapes

I made with them
about 17 years ago,

and it just really
upsets you, you know?

You finally make a little money

and then you got relatives
coming out of the woodwork.

You know what I mean, don't you?

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

Pissed me off.

Tell you what, though.

I'm trying to get in
shape a little bit.

I put on 22 pounds
over the holidays,

and I guess that's a lot
for Arbor Day, I guess.

I ain't sure, but,

trying to lose a little
bit of weight, though.

My Japanese neighbor's
starting to call me "Gutzilla."

So I got to do
something with that.

But I blame a lot of that
on the holidays and stuff,

and I always try to make
my New Year's resolutions

to not gain weight, but I
didn't do that this year.

I made two different ones,
and I've kept them so far.

Well, one.

I ate a booger yesterday.

All right, I didn't do that
one, but I couldn't help it.

It was dry air and it
was a good one, too.

You know what I mean?

Well, you can't help it.

You don't want to but you're
like, "Oh, oh, what the hell?"

You know.

[audience laughing]

But I said I was going
to eat more and get fat.

And I have done that.

So that's a good thing.

But you know what irritates me?

Did you ever read the label
on your Butterball turkey

over the holidays?

Anybody speak English at all,

or am I way off on
the turkey deal?

You don't eat turkey?

My turkey said, "Sweet,
young, and juicy"

right on the daggum label.

That ain't right.

I had my pants unsnapped before
we ate the meal this year.

I'll tell you that much.

[audience laughing]

That's right.

But I do like food.

I'll tell you what, I enjoy it.

The Waffle House.

That's one of my favorite
places right there.

I like the Waffle House.

[audience cheering]

Smothered and covered, by God.

You're a Communist
if you don't eat it

smothered and covered.

But don't eat it too
late, 'cause you'll eat it

smothered and covered

and it'll come out
scattered and splattered,

I guaran-damn-tee.

It ain't funny.

Good Lord, I could
have bent over

and pooped through
a keyhole in there.

It was ridiculous.

I was madder than a
one-legged waitress

working at the IHOP,
I tell you what.

"Here's your pancakes."

[audience laughing]

But it's good to be in old DC.

I used to date a gal from here

a few years ago, and, I did.

We ended up breaking up.

It was mutual.

Her and her husband told me
to get the hell out, so I did.

[audience laughing]

Dated another gal a few
years ago, and she scared me.

She come up to me one morning.

She said, "Well, pretty soon

you're gonna hear
the pitter-patter

of little feet
around the house."

I'm like, "Oh, Lord,
she's pregnant."

She ended up leaving
me for a midget.

[audience laughing]

I used to date a
little midget girl

as a matter of fact,
about that tall.

Good Lord, I loved her.

I was nuts over her.

I tell you, I was.

I loved her.

[audience laughing]

That's right.

We didn't date too long.

No, she irritated me.

She kept sticking her
nose in my business.

You know what I mean?

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

Let's see, but I did, I got
married about seven months ago.

- [Man] Yeah.

- And, oh, don't,
hey, don't clap.

We're already having trouble.

And apparently you can't talk
dirty to your wife's sister

on the telephone, I guess.

[audience laughing]

Didn't really read the
rulebook on all that.

But I love her, though.

You can tell when you in love.

I didn't think I ever
could, but God bless her.

She's the only girl
I ever made love to

with my pants completely off.

I'll tell you, there's a,

there was a connection
there from the beginning.

I'll tell you what's
really cool about her,

she looks like my
favorite country singer.

That's a turn-on right there.

You see your singer on TV
and then you married somebody

that look like,

I mean, we was walking down
the street the other day.

I was so daggum proud,

people was like, "Look,
there's Travis Tritt!

Look at that, right
there, it's Travis Tritt!"

[audience applauding]

That's right.

She looks a little like him
from the back like this.

I'll tell you, a little
T-R-O-U-B-L-E coming my way.

[audience laughing]

We got us a baby on
the way, August 4th.

We pretty excited about that.

[audience applauding]

Yeah, that's going
to be pretty cool.

Going to be cool.

We ordered her from China.

So hopefully she'll
get here then,

you know, if she
ain't here by the 4th,

then I blowed 20 bucks on a cake

that says, "Welcome, Ling Chau,"

all right, I'll tell you that.

[audience laughing]

[Larry laughing]

No, but she is going
to have a baby.

I'm so proud.

She wants a little boy,

I want a 16-year-old
Polynesian girl.

That's what I want, right there.

[audience laughing]

Hopefully we can figure that
whole thing out, right there.

You know.

But I'm from a small town.

You got to create things to do.

I like to fish and hunt

and throw rocks at whores.

We used to do that a lot.

But that was a church
function, there.

That was, but, fishing.

I love fishing.

That's a lot of fun, there.

I tell you what, I was,

I was standing on my
porch the other day,

looking at some stars
through my telescope,

'cause my neighbor'd
put her top back on,

[audience laughing]

and my buddy goes, "You want
to go fishing in the morning?"

I'm like, "Daggum.

Git-R-Done."

Right, and he said, "Well,
we need to be on the lake

at five a.m."

Come again?

Five a.m.?

You couldn't get
me on a cheerleader

at five a.m., I'll
tell you that.

[audience applauding]

What in the world?

[Larry laughs]

Well, you could, but she'd
have to bring her own rod,

I guarantee you that.

[audience laughing]

There'd be nothing working
on me at that hour, there.

[audience laughing]

Went trout fishing one
time and didn't get nothing

for seven hours.

And then I farted in my waders

and four trout come up for air.

[audience laughing]

Daggum.

If I'd have had one
more bowl of chili,

I'd have got 10 of them
daggum things in there.

[audience laughing]

I just wasn't prepared.

I wasn't prepared.

Wasn't prepared.

But I do love to fish,
and I'll tell you what.

They got all kinds of fish.

You ever heard of Orange Roughy?

- [All] Yeah.

- I didn't even know
that was a fish.

I thought that was what you took

after you ate a bag
of Cheez Doodles.

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

Good Lord.

Went fishing in Miami one
time and caught a Cuban.

[Larry laughs]

That's funny.

Good Lord.

It was unbelievable.

There was a whole school
of them down there,

I couldn't believe it.

But I felt bad.

I had my limit and I had to
throw the little feller back.

I felt bad about it.

You ever do this?

You ever throw
firecrackers in the water,

watch the fish come up?

That's fun, right there.

We was throwing M-80's
in, fish flying up.

That's right.

We blew the aquarium

at the dentist's office
all to hell, we done that.

[audience laughing]

I thought it was funny, I did.

But we was kids,
we was about 25,

so we didn't know what
we was doing then.

Went fishing one time,

for catfish using
shrimp as bait,

which makes no sense at all.

Does that make any sense?

- [Man] No.

- Fishing for a fish
that's $2 a pound

with a fish that's
$9.99 a pound?

I ended up eating the
bait, that's what I did.

[audience laughing]

"How come you ain't
fishing for catfish?"

"We got shrimp."

[audience laughing]

I like to hunt.

That's one of my
favorite things.

Need to be careful, though.

My brother's not a
very good hunter.

He shot himself in the
head bow hunting one year.

[audience laughing]

And this was the
final straw with him.

I took him bird
hunting one time.

There's birds everywhere.

He don't get nothing.

I got 23 daggum birds.

And I go, "What's
wrong with you?"

He goes, "I don't think

I'm throwing the
dog up high enough."

[audience laughing]

What the hell?

And we ended up getting
thrown out of the zoo

over the whole deal.

I mean, it was unbelievable.

I didn't know them penguins
could fly like that.

They pretty good.

[audience laughing]

Them people, the
anti-gunners, irritate me.

But I'm gonna tell
you something.

I was reading in the
paper the other day,

there was an article
in there said,

"Cholesterol kills more people
in this country than guns."

Tell you what, they
want to save lives,

they ought to put a
seven-day waiting period

on Popeye's chicken.

That's what, I tell
you right there.

That's right.

[Larry laughing]

That's right.

That's what's killing
folks, right there.

"I want a bucket of chicken."

"Fill out these forms."

[audience laughing]

And PETA irritates me.

I got three words for PETA,

chicken fried steak.

[audience laughing]

That's right, I like that.

I like meat.

I tell you, that's
good food, right there.

That is good food.

[audience laughing]

That's right.

I like eating meat.

I like rump roast.

You ever eat that?

I was eating rump roast one
time, I said to my butcher,

I said, "Why do they call
rump roast 'rump roast'?"

He said, "Nobody'd eat it
if they named it 'cow ass.'"

[audience applauding]

I like getting all my hunting
stuff at the Bass Pro Shops.

That's where you get all,
That's a good store, ain't it?

Git-R-Done, that's right.

I like that.

They trying to get more
women shoppers in there now,

so they just opened
up a Victoria's Secret

at our Bass Pro Shop

a while back, and,
oh, it's nice.

I got my wife some
crotchless waders.

[audience laughing]

Yeah.

Some beef jerky,
edible under-britches.

I bought so much stuff,

they even threw in a French
Tickler with a scope on it.

[audience laughing]

I like doing all
that shopping stuff.

I enjoy it.

Wal-Mart's my favorite
store to go to.

[crowd cheering]

I like the Wal-Mart.

That's right.

All the uptight,
political correct folks,

they don't like Wal-Mart.

They don't pay good
wages at Wal-Mart.

Well, I got an idea.

Don't work at freaking Wal-Mart.

How's that sound, right there?

[audience laughing]

Yes, I like, well, you can get

anything you want
at the Wal-Mart.

They just opened up in our
Wal-Mart two dentists' offices.

We did.

I ain't kidding with you.

Lying, crying, I
ain't shed a tear.

We got two dentists'
offices in there.

Got a regular dentist
and an express dentist

for folks with 15
teeth or less in there.

We got the whole deal.

[audience applauding]
[audience laughing]

The whole deal in there.

You ever see the door
greeters in there?

Good Lord.

Wal-Mart been
around since, what?

1950s, 1960s?

The door greeter been in
there since 1852 in there.

[audience applauding]

And you walk in,
you know, he's like,

"Can I get you a buggy?"

[audience laughing]

Boy, if you ever
robbed a Wal-Mart,

one thing you ain't
got to say is,

"Nobody move!"

[audience laughing]

You ever shop at the
Wal-Mart after two a.m.?

It's almost everybody
in there got some sort

of leg disease or something.

It's almost like the Wal-Mart

turns into the Monty Python's
Ministry of Silly Walks

after two a.m.

Good Lord, look at that guy
on aisle two over there.

[audience laughing]

Hell, look at that
guy by the ice cream.

[audience laughing]

Good Lord, let's get
the hell out of here,

let's get the hell out of here.

[audience laughing]

What's going on at
the Wal-Mart in here?

Hey, did you ever say something
to somebody at the Wal-Mart,

and then after you
said it you thought,

"Shouldn't have said that."

[audience laughing]

I do that every trip in there.

But there was this feller,
standing in line there.

Evidently busted his neck.

Had one of them halos.

You ever see that?

Look like a scaffold
around the head.

It's bolted into your temples?

Well, this dude go like this.

I go, "What's wrong
with you?" He goes,

"Think I lost my car key."

I said, "You'd lose your head
if it wasn't screwed on."

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

Was that wrong?

'Cause I was really
laughing after I said that,

I got to tell you.

Oh, this is embarrassing.

I was bagging my own groceries

at the grocery store the
other day 'cause it was busy,

and some old woman come up
and patted me on the head

and said, "I think
it's wonderful

they hire people like you."

[audience laughing]

I was like, "Thank you."

[larry laughs]

Then I wet my pants and
run her over with my cart,

that's what I did.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[audience laughing]

I'll tell you, my favorite
store is the Home Depot.

I like that store, right there.

That's a good store.

That's a big store in there.

Good Lord.

I'm glad they sell hot
dogs on the way in.

[audience laughing]

You may need something
to survive on

if you get lost in there.

But the worst thing about them
hot dogs at the Home Depot

is they go right through you.

Good Lord, I had
a couple of bites

of the wiener dog in there,

and I had a brown snake
playing peek-a-boo

with my butt crack in
there at Home Depot.

[audience laughing]

It ain't funny.

I'm walking like this through
the Home Depot in there.

Looked like the "March of
the Penguins" in there.

All I could think of
was that commercial,

"What can brown do for you?"

You know what I mean?

That's all I thought.

What can brown do for me?

Make me look like a
jackass at the Home Depot,

what it do for me.

Then I had to stand there

with my butt cheeks
squished together like this,

hoping nothing would
shoot out of there,

act like I'm looking
at something, you know.

You ever do that?

You be playing a
game or something?

It hits you and you're
like, "Oh, Lord."

You know that people are
like, "Larry, get over here!"

"Hold on, I'm looking at
this weird bug over here.

I ain't never seen a bug
like this in my whole life.

Oh, that's a big bug."

[audience laughing]

But do me a favor, if you
ever go to the Home Depot,

tell them idiots in
the plumbing department

to mark it better
that them toilets

is for display
purposes only in there.

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

Good Lord, I felt like an idiot

going to the toilets on
them stools in there.

But the good news
is, somebody's gonna

get a plunger half
price, all right?

That's the good news.

So there's a silver lining
in everything in this world.

Hey, did you ever read
that story about the feller

that glued his hind
end to the toilet seat?

You read that?

Some feller goes into Home Depot

and there were some kids
in there, pranksters.

And what they done is they
put some industrial glue

on the toilet lid.

Well, this feller don't
know, and he walks in there

to take the Browns
to the Super Bowl,

and he sits down on this stool

and glues his hind
end to the toilet lid.

And he sued Home Depot.

But he didn't sue 'cause
he got glued to the seat,

he sued 'cause nobody'd
come in there quick enough

and help him.

[audience laughing]

Well, who in their right mind

is gonna help
somebody like that?

What would you do,
you go into Home Depot

and hear somebody in
there and see his feet.

"Yeah, oh, yeah.

Oh, oh.

Help me!

[audience laughing]

Help me!

I can't get off.

Help me get off."

[audience laughing]

You ain't going in there,
either, I guarantee.

[audience laughing]

They ended up having
to cut the whole stool

out of the floor and
put him on a wood cart,

still sitting in
the fecal position,

[audience laughing]

[Larry laughs]

and wheel him out
of the Home Depot,

in front of God and
every shopper in there.

That's a pathetic one-man parade

right there, I'll tell you what.

Looked like he was crowned king

of the Home Depot
poopers in there.

"How you all doing?

Good to see you.

How are you?

Good to see you.

Hi, everybody, here's
a Tootsie Roll.

Take some Tootsie
Rolls for the kids.

How are you?

Good to see you.

What's going on?"

But the thing that
irritated me was,

it was the Home Depot,
for Pete's sake.

You mean to tell me out of
that big old 25-acre store,

they didn't have one item to
unglue him from a toilet seat?

That's pathetic.

And that's why I poop at Lowe's.

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

Git-R-Done.

Thanks so much, everybody.

I appreciate it.

[crowd cheering]
[audience applauding]

That's right, thank you.

All right.

What do you say we
bring the boys back out?

[audience applauding]

Mr. Bill Engvall!

[crowd cheering]

Mr. Jeff Foxworthy!

[crowd cheering]

Mr. Ron "Tater Salad" White!

[crowd cheering]

- Well, looky there, boys.

We got, we got stool men now.

[audience laughing]

You know what, it's funny.

We travel all over the country,

and we all been doing
this for a number of,

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

- I never considered
you a spinner.

- This is the same guy,
yesterday afternoon,

we're at the Lincoln Memorial,

and he said, "I had no
idea he was that big."

[audience laughing]

And Bill said, "He's
not even standing up."

[audience laughing]

- You know, we travel

all over the country doing
these shows and stuff.

And it's funny,
being a comedian,

people always come
up to you, they go,

"Hey, tell me a joke."

Which is weird, 'cause
nobody walks up to a plumber

and says, "Hey, fix my toilet."

[audience laughing]

So I thought what'd
be fun is, you know,

do what we do every night.

Like, we finish a show.

And you're jacked
up from the show,

you can't go to bed, so we
sit around down at the bar,

or Waffle House or whatever,

and we just tell
jokes to each other,

and I thought it might be fun

if we tell our
favorite jokes tonight.

- All right.
- Yeah.

Yeah, just joke jokes.

[audience applauding]

- All right.

I got to tell you, I'm
dizzier than hell here.

[audience laughing]

The doctor says to this feller,

"I got bad news and worse news."

He says, "Oh, what's
the bad news?"

He says, "You got
24 hours to live."

He says, "What's
the worse news?"

"I forgot to call
you yesterday."

[audience laughing]

- All right, I got a
24-hour-to-live one.

Guy gets up in the morning,
six a.m., goes to the doctor,

the doctor tells him he's
got 24 hours to live.

- I bet this is the same doctor.

[audience laughing]

- Y'all want to sit
next to each other?

[audience laughing]

- So, that night when
the guy's going to bed,

he tells his wife, he said,

"I've only got a
few hours left."

He said, "I want
to make love to you

just as many times
as I possibly can."

And so they do it once,
twice, three times.

And then they fall asleep.

Well, about 4:30 in the morning,

the guy taps his
wife on the shoulder,

he goes, "I want to make
love to you one more time."

And she goes, "You know, that's
easy for you to say, Jerry.

You don't have to get
up in the morning."

[audience laughing]

It's a different joke.

- That's good.

- Ronnie, you got a joke?

- Nope.

- [Bill] All right.

[audience laughing]

- His mind's like a lazy Susan.

If you'll just bear with us,

it'll come back around
here in just a minute.

- This guy's taking
flying lessons.

He's talking to his buddy,

and he says, "The
first day in the air

the instructor informs me he's
an eighth-degree black belt

and a homosexual,

and if I don't succumb
to his sexual advances

I have to jump
out of the plane."

And his buddy goes,
"Well, did you jump?"

And the guy goes, "Yeah.

A little at first."

[audience laughing]

- I like that.

- This woman goes to the doctor

and says she's got a
digestive tract problem,

and the doc says, "Well, tell
me about your daily routine."

She says, "Well, I get
up at 6:15 every morning,

I make my family
breakfast, and at 8:15,

I have a bowel movement."

He goes, "Well, let's
take a x-ray and see

what the problem is."

So he takes an x-ray and goes,

"Well, there's the
problem right there.

You got three worms in you.

We're gonna have to operate."

First worm goes,
"Did you hear that?"

Second one says, "Yes, I did."

He goes, "What
are you gonna do?"

He goes, "Well, I'm gonna
hide behind the heart."

Other worm says, "Well,
I'll hide behind the liver."

And the third one says,

"I don't know about
the rest of you fellas,

but I'm catching the
8:15 out of here."

[audience laughing]
[Bill laughing]

- That's funny.

All right, let me
try one more, here.

- All right.
- One more, here.

All right.

[audience laughing]

- [Jeff] Guess the show
is running a little long

for some of us.

[crowd cheering]

- [Larry] All right.

- I didn't know it was gonna

take this long, sorry.

- This feller goes
hunting with his buddy,

and he got the scope up

and he goes, "Oh, my Lord,

I can see your house from here,

and your wife's cheating on you

with another feller."

He says, "I've had it with her."

Shoot her in the head and shoot
him in the private parts."

And he said, "I'll
get that in one shot."

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

I got to admit, the preacher
told me that last week.

[audience laughing]

- This guy's mother-in-law
comes to live with him.

And she's been living
there for about a week.

And he comes home one day and
she's laying on the floor.

And he calls 911 and the
ambulance comes and gets her

and they take her
to the hospital,

and he's out in the waiting room

and the doctor comes out after
a while and the doctor said,

"Well, I got some good
news and some bad news."

Guy said, "All right, well,
give me the bad news first."

He goes, "All right.

Your mother-in-law
is not gonna die."

He said, "She's had
a massive stroke."

He said, "In fact, she's
probably gonna live 20

or 30 more years."

He said, "The problem
is, this thing

has rendered her
unable to speak."

He said, "She just
makes this horrible

screeching noise
like a parrot now."

He said, "It's also

disabled her from using her arms

and she can't feed herself."

He said, "For the
next 20 or 30 years,

you're gonna have to feed her
baby food three times a day."

He said, "Also, it's
made her incontinent.

You're going to have
to change her diapers

and clean her up every
single day of your life."

And the guy said, "Oh, my God,"

he said, "What's the good news?"

And the doctor goes, "I'm just
kidding with you, she died."

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

- That's a good one.

Oh, my God.

- It ain't right, but
you laughed at it.

[audience laughing]

- Mr. White?

- There's a cruise ship
and there's a magician

that works on the ship, and
the captain had a parrot.

And he liked to go to
the show every night.

But the parrot
understood the show,

and because he could talk,

he would give away
everything, you know?

"Oh, he's putting
it in his sock."

[squawking]

He put it up his sleeve.

[squawking]

It's in his hat."

[squawking]

And the magician
just hated this bird,

and one night he just snapped

and he pulled out a pistol
and he shot the bird

and the bird ducked and the
bullet hits a propane tank

and blows the cruise
ship to a billion pieces.

The only survivors were the
parrot and the magician,

and they're floating
out in the ocean

on two little pieces of wood,

and the parrot goes,

"All right, I give up,
where's the damn ship?"

[audience laughing]

- All right, I got a ship joke.

Back in the 1800s,
this wooden warship

was out cruising the ocean.

And the guy in the
crow's nest says,

"Captain, there's an enemy
ship on the horizon."

The Captain turns to
his assistant and says,

"Bring me my red shirt."

"All right."

He goes and gets his red shirt.

The Captain puts it
on, the battle ensues.

It goes all day long, and
they don't lose one sailor.

About 10 minutes later
the assistant comes up

to the Captain and says,

"Hey, I got to ask
you something."

And he says, "Before
the battle started,

you said, 'Bring
me my red shirt.'"

And he goes, "Why a red shirt?"

And he goes,

"Because if I happened to
be shot, and was bleeding,

the crew would not
notice the blood

and they will
continue to fight on."

And he goes, "Wow,
that's awesome."

Next morning, the guy
in the crow's nest goes,

20 enemy ships on the horizon."

The Captain goes, "Bring
me my brown pants."

[Bill laughing]
[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

- All right, we got to
share this with them.

We've been on the
road for 20 years

just making fun of
people every night.

And so the producers
of the movie

thought it would
be really funny,

they contacted our wives
without our knowing it,

and they got them to go
through our photo albums,

and to send them pictures of us

that we weren't necessarily
really proud of.

[audience applauding]

And they've got a
big Rolodex of them,

and so every night
they've been showing us

more and more of them.

So for your amusement,

here are some of our
real-life photos.

- [Bill] Oh!
- [Jeff] Oh!

[audience laughing]

Ha, ha!

- Yeah, baby.
- Yes, sir.

[crowd cheering]

- [Jeff] Woo-hoo!

- [Bill] Wait a minute.

Is that shirt tied in a knot?

[audience laughing]

- Is that a shirt?

I thought it was
a prison mattress.

[audience laughing]

- [Larry] First there
was the Bee Gees,

then came the heebie-jeebies.

[audience laughing]

- That was the look that
killed disco, right there.

[audience laughing]

- [Jeff] Where was this taken?

- [Ron] At my apartment complex.

The Bridgeview Apartments.

And there was no bridge
and there was no view.

[audience laughing]

- No, there's a view.

There's a view.

- [Larry] Looks like
a stunt double for

one of the dudes in
"Eight is Enough."

[audience laughing]

- No, he looks like that girl
from "One Day at a Time."

[audience laughing]

- Oh!

[audience laughing]

[man whistling]

"Please, please help
me, Captain Hook.

Help me, Captain Hook."

Dude, you gotta kill your wife.

[audience laughing]

- This is one of Disney World's
least favorite characters.

[audience laughing]

Fruity.

[Bill laughing]

- [Jeff] Laugh it
up, laugh it up.

- [Bill] Oh!
- [Jeff] Oh!

[audience laughing]

- [Larry] That's when I was
doing Larry, the Cable Girl.

[audience laughing]

- There is more
carpet on your toilet

than there is in the
rest of the house.

- His first time ever
using an indoor toilet,

Larry lost a foot.

[audience laughing]

- That toilet was used a lot.

We got a restrictor
plate on that toilet.

[audience laughing]

- Is that two scales
in this bathroom?

- My sister's pretty big,
I'll tell you that much.

[audience laughing]

We had to total it up.

They only went to 300 each.

[audience laughing]

- [Jeff] Ah!

- [Larry] Here's your sign.

[audience applauding]

- [Jeff] Is this
one of the stories

that includes the phrase,

"And then we started
drinking tequila?"

[audience laughing]

- What you don't know
is the pool's empty.

[audience laughing]

- [Jeff] And probably
cleaner than Larry's toilet.

[audience laughing]

[all exclaiming]

[crowd cheering]

- I'm getting a divorce.

[audience laughing]

- [Bill] That look
has the look of this,

"I have got to fart so bad."

[audience laughing]

- [Jeff] Looks like
the assistant manager

at the Lazy Eye Institute.

[audience laughing]

- Can I help you?

[Jeff laughing]

- That's the originator of
the website upskirts.com,

right there.

[audience laughing]

[all exclaiming]

- [Ron] Guess what's
under the cake?

[audience laughing]

- [Jeff] Not a whole lot.

- Larry always found it
easier to pick up chicks

in his Pep Band T-shirt.

[audience laughing]

- You were in the Pep Band?

- I know, I caught flak,

people calling me a
sissy and a pansy,

but I loved the baton.

I always have.

[audience laughing]

- [Bill] Oh, my God.

- [Jeff] The couch
is like something

from the Jimi Hendrix collection

at Sears, too.

- That ain't no couch.

That's my sister taking
a nap right there.

[audience laughing]

- [Jeff] Oh, God.
- [Bill] Oh, God almighty.

- [Ron] "Son, if you
play your cards right,

this Chrysler K-car
will be yours."

[audience laughing]

- You know, I knew
I left something out

of the redneck fashion tips.

It was the denim
one-piece jumpsuit.

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

I remember the one thing
you didn't want to get

while you was wearing
that was the runs,

'cause you couldn't get it off.

- Look like Shaun Cassidy's
stand-in or something.

- Evel Gay-nievel.

[audience laughing]

[all laughing]

- She had great legs.

If you'd have seen the
legs on this chick,

you'd have gone, "Well,
you know, maybe."

- Ah, the senior prom.

[audience laughing]

- You know that joke I did
about the long balloons

four days after
the birthday party?

Oh, that's beautiful.

[all laughing]

- [Bill] I think it's
great the way they cut

the walker out of
the picture there.

- That's my grandmother,
you better watch out.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- [Jeff] Uh-oh!

[audience laughing]

- [Larry] Hey,

Jeff gets ready for a
two-month prison sentence

and practices while
sitting on a door lock.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

- I'm actually kind of wondering

why you left the
one-piece jumpsuit out

of your fashion tips now.

[audience laughing]

Looks to me like you got
one on there, Jeffie.

[Bill exclaiming]

- [Bill] Talk
about having money.

- All these years you
never shared with us

that you were
employed at Wendy's.

- Well, you know, you keep
jobs like that under wraps.

You don't want
people to, you know,

feel bad about themselves.

[audience laughing]

- [Jeff] Who is the
guy in the window?

- [Ron] [laughing]
That's the manager.

- [Jeff] He looks like, like
two minutes earlier he said,

"All right, if
you're gonna fart,

go out in the parking lot."

[audience laughing]

- I had a cheeseburger
tucked up under my hat there.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

- [Bill] Oh.

Now, that, that picture
meant a lot to me.

- [Larry] Explain that.

- We were on a band trip,

and we went to New Orleans.

This is-
- That's the closest you got

to a naked woman as a
teenager, wasn't it?

- What is today?

[audience laughing]

- This is actually Bill
with his first tromboner.

[audience laughing]

- What instrument
did you play, Bill?

- Trombone.

- [Jeff] Well, they got your
mom's picture in the window.

That's nice, too.

- Put me through college.

[audience laughing]

[Bill laughing]

- [Ron] If they would've put
that on a bottle of Scotch,

they'd have found
me a lot sooner.

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

- [Jeff] Your head and the
orange are the exact same shape,

look at that.

- I think I was a
good-looking kid.

[audience laughing]

- [Bill] "Erlene, get
back in the trailer now."

[audience applauding]

- And people always ask,

"Where do you come up with
them redneck jokes at?"

- [Ron] What look were you
going for here, Jeffie?

- We were trying to
make funny pictures

where we pulled our pants low

and, you know, your shirt
where it made you look like

you were real
long-waisted or something.

- Good God.

You're an idiot.

[audience laughing]

[crowd cheering]

Wait.

I take that back.

You're an idiot.

- [Ron] This girl is not gonna
smile until the check clears.

[audience laughing]

You are having way
more fun than she is.

- Larry celebrates the arrival
of his first blow-up doll.

[audience laughing]

More wine coolers!

- Who is that?

- [Larry] I don't know,
but she had a tattoo

on her hind end said,

"Downgrade, watch
for other truckers."

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Hey.

Look at his shorts.

It really is a small
world after all.

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

- I don't want to say nothing,

but you work a consistent look.

- I was trying all kind of
different stuff, you know?

- Not, not, not really.

- No.

- [Jeff] Oh.
- [Bill] Oh.

- What happens at the
family reunion stays

at the family reunion.

[audience laughing]

- [Bill] "What do you
mean you want cab fare?"

[audience laughing]

- The best part of this,
you have put a blanket

over to protect the good
Naugahyde on the chair there.

[audience laughing]

- It was a nice place.

- [Larry] I like
his Daisy Pukes.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

- No, they, no, they
doctored that up.

- Oh, yeah.

- Just find a good spot and
let the boys come to you.

[audience laughing]

- [Bill] Do you see what I
mean about the consistent look?

- No, they, no, they
did that to that.

I had the-

- What's, oh yeah, yeah,
they did something to it.

- They, yeah.

- [Bill] What's
with the glasses?

- [Ron] You look at that photo
and the glasses bother you?

[audience laughing]

What about the two
sailors in assless chaps?

Did you notice them, Bill?

[audience laughing]

- He's got a point.

[all screaming]

[crowd cheering]

- [Bill] Oh, my God.

- That's when Larry was
the casting director

for the movie "Babe."

[audience laughing]

- It's such a cute
daggum sheep, though.

Look at it.

Look at that face.

How could you not love that?

- Room service,

I'm gonna need some
beers and a bag of oats.

[audience laughing]

- You guys have been great.

God bless you.

- Thank you so much.
- Thank you very much.

[crowd cheering]

[upbeat country music]

♪ I look back on
the good times ♪

♪ We've had out on the road

♪ We traveled a million
miles and done 1000 shows ♪

♪ And the nights
we had together ♪

♪ Just kinda burn into my mind

♪ It reminds me of the time

♪ Like the night in Colorado
when the bus broke down ♪

♪ Bill and Jeff had to walk
three miles to some old town ♪

♪ Grab a ride and
make a phone call ♪

♪ Man, we barely made the show

♪ It's just one
more for the road ♪

♪ Thank you for the memory

♪ I wouldn't change a thing

♪ But I wish I had a dollar

♪ For every time
my phone rings ♪

♪ At 4:30 in the morning

♪ And it's Ron
stuck at the bar ♪

♪ Wondering if I knew where
he might've parked his car ♪

♪ Or that night when
Larry's spit-cup ♪

♪ Got put into the fridge

♪ Bill took a big old drink,
he thought that Coke was his ♪

♪ And he spent the
next three hours ♪

♪ Like he drank
water in Mexico ♪

♪ It's just one
more for the road ♪

♪ 20 years' worth of stories

♪ Rolling through these towns

♪ Shutting every honky-tonk
and cracker-barrel down ♪

♪ Now it's us four
on a barstool ♪

♪ Swapping jokes
and telling lies ♪

♪ It's time to go,
let's Git-R-Done ♪

♪ And do this one last time

♪ 'Cause I need one
more for the road ♪

♪ Before we have to go

♪ 'Cause I don't know the next
time we'll be coming back ♪

♪ To all our fans
from town to town ♪

♪ We thank you for coming down

♪ And then one
more for the road ♪

♪ All good things
come to an end ♪

♪ So before we have
to leave, my friend ♪

♪ Let's have one
more for the road ♪

♪ Just want one
more for the road ♪

♪ One more for the road