Original subtitles

Narrator: Coming up...

Why is Joe dishing it out?

Thwap.

[ Laughter ]

What's got Q quenching his thirst?

Ohh!

And which losing joker will the be the butt

of the joke in tonight's punishment?

Sal: Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ Laughter ]

Murr: I want my mommy!

[ Laughter ]

Sal: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ Laughter ]

Heads up, today we are working at Lids.

Both: While helping customers, we'll have to do

and say what the other guys tell us.

If you refuse, you lose.

Hello. Welcome to Lids. I'm James.

I can help you with anything if you need anything.

I want you to apologize for it being so hot in here,

but in a really sexy voice.

Oh, by the way, I, um, I apologize for it being so...

hot in here.

No problem.

Now lean on something and fan yourself.

Ooh.

[ Laughter ]

So hot.

You drove her out of the store.

Murray, this bundled-up dude --

get up on a ladder and from there,

ask him if his tongue fits in his mouth.

Bud. Does your tongue fit in your mouth?

Yeah. Okay.

[ Laughter ]

Joe: Look at him. He's so confused.

Okay, Murr, grab the ladder.

And just put it right in front of the guy

and climb it and ask him if he needs help.

Go all the way to the top of it.

Sal: Oh, if you could do it without him noticing.

Do you any help, sir?

Oh, I was just wondering if you needed any help.

Well, I'm here if you need anything.

Murr, hide behind the hat rack.

Slowly just climb the ladder.

You still okay? You good? Okay.

James -- if you need anything. Lids.

Murr, go in the back, get a big ladder.

You're okay?

[ Laughter ]

If you need anything at all -- James, Lids.

Does your tongue fit in your mouth?

Does your tongue fit in your mouth?

Like with no problem, just fits in normally, right?

Yeah. All right.

[ Ding! ]

I could get a --

I could get one for you if it's too high.

Do you want a different one? Which one?

Second green all the way up top?

Let me get the thingy.

[ Laughter ]

Keep missing.

-This one? This one? -Yes.

You are the most incompetent worker.

It's tricky for me.

[ Laughter ]

Joe, jam coupons in people's faces.

Pow.

Already laughing.

Pow.

Thwap. -[ Gasps ]

[ Laughter ]

She literally gasped.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Pow.

Joe, would you take a hat in exchange

for a quick snuggle with you or...?

Hi, bud. Quick snuggle?

Quick snuggle, if you'd like.

Free hat.

Do you like the hat?

You want it for free?

All right, you want to snuggle?

No, just you, yeah.

It's got to be the purchaser.

Name's Joe, let me know.

Quick snuggle.

-Oh! -Oh!

Sorry? Yeah, you get a free hat --

-Oh, right up in your zone. -Oh, snuggle.

That's a hug, that's not a snuggle.

Put your arm around me and just --

-There we go. -That'll do.

[ Ding! ]

Q: Hey, Sal, go behind the counter over there

and pick up the other hat grabber.

Okay, now use those like they're your hands.

There you go.

If you guys need anything,

need me to get anything down for you, I can help you.

Just let me know what you like.

Grab that pamphlet.

Well, let me see where exactly --

Let me see.

I'm just trying to see where you guys are coming from.

Oh, I see. Did you go to -- you went over to the --

[ Laughter ]

What can I get you?

Okay, now, Sal, do it till it's unfunny.

Oh, you guys, where did you guys go?

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.

Where you guys going? Let me get that hat back.

You guys are all crazy. Look at your purse.

Waah!

I'm robbing you. I'm robbing you.

Oh, I got your backpack.

It's getting unfunny.

Ah, we might've sold out.

Sal, be so disappointed that you don't have it.

I know that you wanted the hat.

I know you wanted it with a passion and everything.

It's my goal to get it to you,

and we didn't have it,

so I'm really sorry that we didn't have the hat.

Sal, if you can cry...

But it's not the hat you wanted.

Joe: Sal's trying to make himself cry.

Look, look, look. Just think about your life.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughter ]

I'm starting crying thinking of Sal's life.

Well, that's the hat that you wanted,

and we couldn't get it for you. And I just feel bad about it

because -- I know.

Joe: They're consoling him.

Just know that I tried, yeah.

Look how many hats we have,

and then the one hat that you want,

I don't have it.

I'm sorry.

[ Laughter ]

Murr: He can't hold it together. Look at him.

Oh, my God, you're gonna take it.

Go ring him up, go ring him up.

-I'll get it. -Let me just say --

I loved you in "Goonies."

-Oh! [ Laughter ]

Oh, my God, you're gonna take it.

Go ring him up, go ring him up.

-I'll get it. -Let me just say --

I loved you in "Goonies."

-Oh! [ Laughter ]

-$24.99. [ Buzzer ]

[ Laughter ]

He put his Twitter handle right on the hat.

I'm expanding the global brand.

-Very good. @BQQuinn. -That's right.

But you forgot I'm in charge of the blurs.

Yeah, so?

It's blurred now. Nothing you can do about it.

The global brand.

Okay, put my Twitter handle on it, too,

then, you get all unblurred.

So I do that, the blur's gone.

-Yeah. -Wait.

What kind of deal are you striking here?

-All right, how's that? -That's great -- unblurred.

-Good, all right. -That's great.

Thank you. Thanks, man.

Do that thing where my name shoots in underneath

and says "Sal" with my Twitter handle on it right now.

Right now. -Let's change that to mine.

-No. -Okay, hold on.

And if we're doing that thing,

cut to my OkCupid profile right now.

Now my OkCupid is public.

-No, I just put up bars. -What?

Just trying to get my OkCupid profile.

You know what? I'm blurring his face.

Wait, no!

You're getting power hungry, Joe.

What do I look like?

All you see is my hands.

Yeah, now you're James Blurry.

-[Bleep] -We can't understand you.

Every time you talk, I'm beeping it.

[Bleep]

[ Laughter ]

It took us this long to realize

he could be fully censored.

You're effectively removed. Oh, my God.

I wish I had the blur function in my own eyeballs.

Looking for something specific?

Just checking it out. Yeah.

I just polished off a swordfish Parm sandwich.

I apologize if I'm a little sluggish today.

I just -- I just polished off a swordfish Parm sandwich.

[ Laughter ]

Just start naming all the Parms that you've tried.

Lamb Parm's pretty good, I had that a few times.

Goat Parm. Quail Parm.

Armadillo Parm.

Rhino Parm, tuna Parm.

Turtle Parm. Gorilla Parm.

Oh, ostrich Parm.

Orangutan Parm.

Zebra Parm.

Donkey Parm.

Donkey Parm.

Donkey Parm Junior.

[ Laughter ]

-He's inching to the door. -If you just crisp --

He's like, "Come on."

Let me tell you -- that would be delightful.

My mom used to make this wolf Parm

whenever we went on vacation.

-Yeah, he's gone. -He's gone, Q.

[ Ding! ] [ Laughter ]

Narrator: The only place Sal can hang his hat

is on the loser board.

We took a road trip today,

and we're working at the Florida Mall

at our friend Joey Fatone's new place

Fat One's Hot Dogs and Italian Ice.

While helping customers out, we've got to do

and say what the other guys tell us.

If you refuse to do or say anything, you lose.

You will never work in hot dogs again!

Joe: All right, here we are at Fat One's.

Uh, my Fatone sense is tingling.

Here comes -- There he is.

I'm always watching. I'm always watching.

How are you?

Welcome to Fat One's. How are you?

Slurp down a wien, perhaps?

Slurp down a wien, though, perhaps?

Slurp down a wien, perhaps?

-Yes. -Yeah, yeah.

-Okay. [ Laughter ]

Welcome to Fat One's.

Which gender?

And what, uh, what gender would you like that to be?

Male or female.

[ Laughter ]

One male lemonade. There you go.

-Thank you. -You got it.

When do we start getting hot dogs?

-That's $5. -[Bleep] damn it.

Can I get a hot dog?

Just get me one. -Want me to get it for you?

Yeah, thanks.

Joe: Here comes Fatone, he's just getting Q a hot dog.

-What's up, man? -Hey, how you doing?

You guys enjoying your food?

-Yeah. -Awesome. Love it.

Hey, Murray, tell Fatone to bring me my hot dog back.

Mr. Quinn ordered a hot dog. Can you please get it for him?

Yes, I'll get it for him. I'm waiting for it to be cooked.

Murr, get aggressive with him.

Can I speak to you for a second?

[ Laughter ]

Get it together, man.

Dude -- You will be bounced out of this mall so fast.

When Mr. Quinn wants a hot dog,

you get him a hot dog.

Fine, just give me the hot dog then.

Sal, follow up with him.

The problem is you have to learn how to talk to people.

[ Laughter ]

Hi, guys, welcome to Fat One's.

Sal, I didn't know you people ate hot dogs.

[ Laughter ]

Murray, not you because I know you'll say it.

Sal.

I didn't know you people ate hot dogs.

Say it. Say it.

Oh, okay, I didn't know you people ate hot dogs.

-Oh! [ Laughter ]

Oh, sir, sir,

we have a hot dog named after you.

Sir, we actually have a hot dog named after you.

It's called the "Turtle Without a Shell."

Goodbye. -No, oh, oh.

Sir, we actually have a hot dog named after you.

It's called the "Turtle Without a Shell."

Goodbye.

No, oh, oh.

Lead it.

The New Yorker. You seem like a New Yorker.

Yeah, there you go, guys. There you go.

[ Buzzer ]

Hi, how are you? Free hot dog? Great.

Which one would you like, hon?

-The Don Hollywood. -The Don Hollywood, great.

It is Fat One's policy that she smells

all the buns for freshness

and picks the one she wants. -It's a great policy.

Okay, so they're three different kinds?

These are three different buns, yeah.

You smell the buns for freshness,

you pick the one you like.

Just make sure you pick which one.

They smell differently?

We trust you, yeah, 'cause we don't want to --

So you like -- -Middle one's fine.

Put the other two back. She'll take the middle one.

Q: We'll be having the middle bun for this one.

Okay, so -- A large drink.

Just a little bit of ice, not a lot.

Little bit of ice.

Fill that whole thing up with ice.

Murr: Yeah.

-Thank you. -There you go.

Uh...

I wanted, like, less than half of that.

Oh, okay, you just pick out the ones you don't want,

I'll just put them back.

Are you serious?

Yeah. I got a line forming, hon.

If you could just pick out the ones you don't want

and just put them in --

Now are these the ones you wanted or didn't want?

Did not. These are did not, so these you want.

These are the ones we want, so put these back.

We'll use these later.

So one person's trash is another person's fresh.

[ Laughter ]

What do you need, hot dog?

-I'll do the New Yorker. -New Yorker, yep.

Q, does he know he could have that in liquid form?

Murr: Oh.

Why don't you push the hot dog shake on him

that you're trying to get on the menu?

Hot dog shake.

Did you know, sir, um,

that you can have that complete meal in a liquid form?

Liquid form?

I'll just show you, I'll just show you.

Sal: He puts in two hot dogs with the bun.

-Oh. -Oh, no, yeah.

It's surprisingly, yeah.

Oh!

Little chili to make it more solidified, little chili.

You're the boss.

-Great. -All right, now.

This is not gonna be good.

Look at that disgusting thing.

Look at the crowd forming.

It's a new smoothie we do here at Fat One's.

It's a new hot dog smoothie.

Yeah, it's like a juice thing.

Yeah, you do it with a hot dog now.

Try this. Try this.

-Oh, my God, Q. -Look at that.

Oh, my God.

Try that, sir. You want to try that?

Smoothie hot dog, just take a sip.

-Try that. -Q, a good chef always tastes

what he makes before he serves it.

Pour one for yourself, too, bud.

You've been working hard.

-All right. -A toast.

-Cheers, guys, cheers. -Cheers.

Cheers, everybody. -Cheers.

Oh, my God.

He said it was delicious.

She's drinking it, too.

[ Laughter ]

Q, how is it?

It's not bad.

[ Laughter ] [ Ding! ]

Narrator: Hot dog, Sal is tonight's big loser.

So Sal's our loser, and he does stand-up comedy,

but he never invites us to his show.

-No. -So today, Sal,

we're gonna make you do it for us instead.

Except we want you to absolutely bomb.

-Oh, my God. -We brought you to

the Advanced Learning Institute Conference, buddy.

Serious business people from all over

the country converge here for this conference.

2:00 P.M. at a business conference, yeah,

they're ready for me right now.

Bring out the guy in a fish tie.

Sal, you have to absolutely bomb.

Oh, God.

Look.

I think they call that flop sweat, buddy.

You haven't even flopped yet.

We have done a lot of business talk these last few days.

This is the end of a three-day technology conference.

Probably the worst place

you can go up there and try and do stand-up.

People just want to go home.

This is every comic's nightmare.

This is every person's nightmare.

Now, you all know we tour as the Impractical Jokers.

Sal also does stand-up on his own.

He loves it. It's his number-one passion.

Passion. He's actually living that dream now,

and now living that nightmare.

Please welcome Sal Vulcano.

Murr: Here we go.

Do not be funny.

I know it's hard, but you can't be funny.

Hey.

Is this on? -We hear you.

Oh, you hear me? Okay.

Uh, how's everybody doing? -Good.

Okay, Sal, bomb.

Uh, I heard you guys were here for a conference?

You guys here for business?

-Yes. -What kind of business?

Funny business? [ Light laughter ]

[ Laughter ]

That was actually too funny, Sal.

I would like you to rein that in.

I --

The funny thing about a conference call...

The funny thing about a conference call...

...is that you can't see the people on the other line.

...is that you can't see the people on the other line.

'Cause when you have meetings,

it's probably much more effective communicating.

Ba-dum-tss.

[ Laughter ]

Riff about marriage a little bit.

Oh, man, I'm divorced.

Uh, women be shopping.

[ Light laughter ]

[ Laughter ]

The laughter's getting awkward now.

Mm, boy. All right.

Now talk about your family.

Uh, I have three siblings.

Tough growing up with three sisters.

Tough getting some bathroom time.

All right. -Oh, they're starting to turn.

You guys, uh --

Tough growing up with three sisters.

Tough getting some bathroom time.

All right. -Oh, they're starting to turn.

You guys, uh --

Never get to punch lines.

So, you know, a lot of people think that,

you know, women are bad drivers.

I'm here to tell you they're not.

[ Laughter ]

All right, so --

Murr: Here's Arnold Schwarzenegger

finding an onion ring in his fries.

Here's Arnold Schwarzenegger

finding an onion ring in his fries.

[ As Arnold Schwarzenegger ] What is this?

I did not want an onion ring.

I wanted fries.

[ Laughter ]

Murr: Look at the faces in the room.

Dude.

Joe: Okay, Sal, you got to keep bombing.

One last impression for you. -One last impression.

[ Laughter ]

This is -- this is --

Q: They're openly mocking you.

Here's Republican Ohio State Senator Rob Portman.

Here's one -- here's a new one I'm working on.

Republican Ohio Senator Robert Portman.

-Picking up his dry cleaning. -Picking up his dry cleaning.

[ Laughter ]

What? I'm sorry, I don't have the ticket.

I'm Robert Portman. I'm the senator from Ohio.

Can I please have my stuff?

I have some ID on me.

Good enough? Thank you.

Ooh.

Oh, my God, this is awful.

You know, uh, abortion is,

uh, not a --

Let's skip that one.

[ Laughter ]

Look at the faces in the room.

-Oh. -Dude.

So...

Sal, is it getting hot in there? Take your jacket off.

Yeah, take your jacket off, bud.

We put Sal's outfit together today.

There's his suspenders, there's his suspenders.

Where are my single booze bags at?

Where are my single booze bags at?

Nobody? Just me.

[ Laughter ]

All right, I just got about 22 minutes left,

just trying to fill the time here.

All right.

-Wow. -Oh, my skin is crawling.

This went great. All right, thank you.

Asians, right?

Asians, am I right?

I love Asians. I have an Asian wife.

I lied -- I do have a wife.

Got all of you. I got all of you on that.

I just dropped a bomb on you.

Well, literally and figuratively, all right.

Just get out of there. You've had enough.

Okay, bye.

[ Laughter ]

Thanks a lot, guys. Appreciate it.

Everything's gonna be okay.

That was bad.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my God.

Sal just bombed in one

of the cringiest punishments we've ever done,

and now you get a behind-the-scenes

look at how it happened.

He's soaking wet.

And I'm gonna give you bonus footage from tonight's episode.

So you should cool down a little.

We'd like to begin, but we're missing somebody.

-We're missing Sal. -Uh-huh, and who else?

-Um, Murr is brushing his tooth. -His tooth?

Well, I mean, ever since it fell out on TV,

he keeps it really clean.

-Oh. -Oh [bleep]

Ah, your tooth. Is that your tooth?

Is that your tooth? Holy [bleep]!

Oh, my God. His tooth just fell out.

Joe: Murray's tooth just fell out.

Every single shoot,

you brush your teeth before you begin.

Yes.

I feel like...

Yes. This sounds weird. There's a couple reasons.

One is I have very bad teeth.

Second, I eat after every meal,

and I eat all day long on set,

so I'm constantly brushing my teeth.

Third, this is gonna sound crazy --

I feel like I'm funnier when I have fresh breath.

Is that weird?

David: Three, two, one.

So Sal's our loser, and he does stand-up comedy,

but he never invites us to his show.

-Oh, my God. -You can't be funny.

Joe: The more funny you are,

the longer we're gonna keep you out there.

You guys hear that? What?

Crickets?

[ All imitate explosion ]

Sal Vulcano's stand-up comedy.

[ Laughter ]

You know what it is, is it's also like a funny way

to get people to know that Sal's doing stand-up,

so really --

-You're kind of promoting -- -It's like a commercial for him.

It's kind of like a get the word out there.

-It's a terrible commercial. -Yeah, but people are gonna know

that he's doing bad stand-up on purpose.

But they're gonna be like, "I didn't know he did stand-up,"

and then he can go and people will look it up online.

It's like when a local commercial is so bad

that everyone's like, "I have to go there." Exactly.

Joe: I worked at a Chinese restaurant and I got in trouble.

I used to work at a Chinese restaurant.

That was interesting, I got in trouble one time.

I had to report to Hunan Resources.

I had to report to Hunan Resources.

-Ohhh. [ Laughter ]

What's black and white and black and white

and black and white and red?

What's black and white and black and white

and black and white and red?

A nun falling down the stairs.

-Oh. -Well, this is an oldie.

Yeah.

A nun falling down the stairs.

[ Laughter ]

Explain the joke.

'Cause she has -- her outfit's black and white,

then as she turns, it keeps on going.

Then at the end, in this joke,

she punctures herself and bleeds.

[ Laughter ]

What did you think about that performance?

I thought he was terrible.

And I was concerned for him.

I found out my aunt has cancer.

Uh, it's okay, though.

She died in a car accident before it could take her.

[ Laughter ] -Look at their faces.

Look at their faces.

[ Laughter ]

-What a dope. -You got to be kidding me.

Hey, yo, welcome to Lids.

Oh, my God.

This is the saddest thing I've ever seen.

I can't.

That's your character study of a hip person?

Wait, what's happening? What's happening?

-What are you doing? -What?

Nobody told you to do this.

-Okay. -Nice work, Joey.

Go ask those people if they need help.

You guys need help? I'm James.

I went to Georgetown.

[ Laughter ]